Do you have a baby in Heaven via miscarriage or stillbirth? I hope this post ministers to you.
This post is part of the Dear Mom Letters series.
Dear Mom whose baby was born into Heaven (via miscarriage or stillbirth),
First of all, I want you to know: You are a mother. Do not let anyone try to convince you that you are not.
I have not experienced the pain of losing a baby. I have not even had a miscarriage.
And sometimes people like me don’t know how to talk to people like you.
Should we mention the baby? Should we pretend it didn’t happen? Should we ask how you (the mother) are doing?
And when you see people like me post pictures of our babies on Facebook or even lament the terrible twos, you’re probably thinking: “If only, if only I had that opportunity. If only I had my baby back…I would take one hundred years of terrible twos.”
I’m sorry, dear Mama. I’m sorry those of us who haven’t experienced your pain just don’t get it.
It’s true. We absolutely, positively do not know the pain you have endured. We do not know, so we should not pretend that we do! Everyone has trials in this life, but yours…yours…to have held the hope of a child without actually getting to hold that child in your arms…
I can only imagine it must be excruciating.
Image by eggo
I remember it like it was yesterday even though it was almost five years ago. My husband and I were in missionary training with several other missionary families, and our dearest friends in our shared apartment were halfway through their pregnancy with their fourth baby.
The mama was glowing in eager expectation of the baby she thought may be her first son. As my firstborn was only about seven months old, we gleefully discussed all things baby together. Diapering, feeding, baby clothes…it was all so exciting.
I remember the day she told me it was strange to her that she hadn’t felt the baby move. At this point in her other pregnancies her babies had been moving. She worried something might be wrong.
But naive as I was, I thought she was fine.
And then I received the phone call. She had gone for her prenatal visit alone while her husband attended classes. She couldn’t get in touch with him. So she called me.
The baby was gone.
The breath knocked out of her already was now knocked out of me. My friend–my dear, dear friend…My friend whose dear baby we had all touched on her belly…
Her grief was overwhelming. And all of us missionary families mourned with her. We just did not understand.
“Why God, Why?” It is all we could ask.
My husband and I cared for her three girls and wondered how we would answer the questions like: “Why did God want our baby in Heaven?”
We were asking the same questions ourselves.
We still do not know the answer. My friend went on to lose several more babies. And then she had a son. Three girls and a boy.
She lost six babies in all. I will never forget one day on the phone: “Erin,” she said, “as a little girl I always wanted ten kids. Ten. Now I have them.”
She continued: “I just never realized six of those ten would be born into Heaven.”
Image by tiwi
Dear Mom whose baby was born into Heaven,
I don’t know why. I do not have to. I am so, so sorry. I wish I could hug you right now. You are strong. The hurt you have endured is much greater than the temporary pain of childbirth.
No matter how many children you have here on earth or in Heaven, know you are a mother–to each and every one of those babies.
If you’ve experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth, I recommend the book Grace Like Scarlett: Grieving with Hope After Miscarriage and Loss. It’s a book that I’ve begun to keep on hand to give out to my friends who have experienced a loss. I hope it will serve to encourage you or your loved ones during a very difficult time.
Ashley
I am mama to two boys, one here on this earth and one in heaven. For me, the best way to minister to mamas who lost their babies is to just acknowledge that they were there. You can read my full story on my blog but I had my miscarriage at 4 weeks and none of my family knew about it for months. When I did finally tell them the best thing was when they acknowledged that I was a mother of two, regardless of when I lost my child. It sounds harsh but some people feel that it’s not a really a baby until x amount of time into the pregnancy. I believe life begins at conception so when I found out I was pregnant on a Saturday and then miscarried on Tuesday I was devastated. I didn’t lose a “fetus”, I lost a child. I think it’s important to recognize and honor the little life regardless of how long they remained on this earth. Something else that helped me was knowing that the first thing my son saw was Jesus and knowing that he would never have to walk in this fallen world. As much as I want him here with me, it is so so much better up there.
Kandle
I am so sorry for your loss. I, too, lost a baby at an early time- 5 weeks. Half of my family was sympathetic, half had no idea what I was crying about, and no one understood my pain. I heard all the words that are meant to console but hurt, like “You have other children, be grateful” (I am so grateful that’s why losing one kills me) and “There was probably something wrong with it” (So? Why would that matter? I would love my child no matter what!). The worst was “It wasn’t even a baby yet. It was just a chemical pregnancy’ (Guess what? A chemical pregnancy means nothing but the fact your baby didn’t implant correctly. Still my child). God Bless you and I hope Jesus may soothe you.
Erin
Oh those things are awful. 🙁 I hope some people will read all these comments and that we will ALL take more precaution when ministering to ladies going through this! 🙁
Angela Denton
My daughter in law and son just recently went through a miscarriage. It is/was painful for all of us. The hardest thing for me was not being able to “fix this” for my kids. I have not been through a miscarriage myself so I just looked for opportunities to talk with them about it. I hope and pray that I have said the supportive words that they needed to hear. I think the main thing is just praying about your words and asking HIm for guidance.
I look forward to the day in Heaven when I can hold my grandchild.
Jules
What you just said about holding your grandchild in heaven shows that you get it. I’m sure that you are a very supportive mother and grandmother. The world could use a lot more women like you!
Pat
My son and daughter in law recently miscarried my first grandchild 6 weeks ago when their first child was 3 months old. My heart breaks for them. I’ve been so sad but want to thank you for reminding me that I will meet and hold him one day????
Sharon
Hi, I just went through a miscarriage a couple days ago. I didn’t know I was pregnant so I didn’t get to experience the excitement of that unfortunately but then it might of just made all this even harder. I have 3 children and a 9 month old grandson so it was defiantly unexpected, but it would of been wonderful. The hardest part is that the father of the baby doesn’t feel that it was even a baby yet and even though he has been supportive of the miscarriage itself he refuses to see the baby as any more then a fetus and doesn’t understand why I do. When it all happened I felt that it was a miscarriage because of the pregnancy symptoms I was having (just never imagined I was pregnant so the symptoms didn’t make sense until the end) and since I never had one before I thought that was the end of it and I did not go to the doctor for confirmation so in a way I had been able to leave room for doubt in my mind and that made it easier for me, but little did I know that was not the end and the confirmation would come. Without going into the horrible details I will just say that I was able to see and hold my baby and it was then that it all became very real and very heartbreaking. It was also at that point that I was told it was weird that I would think of it as a baby, at my guess I lost my baby at about 6-7 weeks. The idea of treating it anything other then just a fetus is ridiculous in his mind. I don’t have family I can go to talk to and I feel alone in this. I wish people could be more understanding of others even if they don’t agree with the way they feel.
Erin
Sharon, I am just now seeing this. I am so, so very sorry for your loss–and for the lack of understanding from even those most closest to you. I am going to pray for you right now–that you will have peace in this loss and that your family will understand this very real loss. Hugs, Mama!
Mariam
I just a miscarriage at 23 weeks and 5 days …l had labor pains and gave birth .. pushed the baby out of me though some people say it was just a fetus don’t worry God will replace …l really miss him so muchy first child.Sadly l got to know l was having a baby boy on Monday and miscarried on Tuesday .
Erin
I’m so sorry. You will always remember your baby boy and no one can replace him. Praying for you today.
Bridney
Hello I am a mother of two boys. One here on earth and one born into heaven. I lost my son at 17 weeks. It was the day before Easter. I actually had to deliver him which was so heartbreaking. The beauty of it all was that his father, I, and other family members had a chance to hold him in our arms. I named my son Zephaniah Uriah. The hardest part was handing him over to hospital staff after hours of holding him. The whole time I held him all I could do was smell him. I wanted to capture his scent. I too have heard all of the so called words of encouragement that honestly made me want to just scream. The only thing that gets me through are his pictures and the conversations that i have with family as if he’s here with us. I never knew you could love someone so much. Especially when you only held that person for so many hours. I LOVE MY BABY BOY!! I am expecting our third child this June. At times I’m happy about it, then there are sad moments. I’ve learned that the pain never goes away. You just learn to deal and cope with it.
Victoria
Hi Britney
My baby was about 3 months.
Though this was many years ago, I didn’t think too much about it but it affected my husband.
After reading your post it brought me to tears, knowing and being comforted that Jesus Was the first person to meet him or her.
I will meet him/ her when I pass.
Thank you for your post it made me see clearly.
Since my baby’s passing I have accepted the Lord.
Much has changed.
Vikky
A w
Hi Bridney, I lost my son as well at around 15 weeks, found out at my 16 week scan his little heart was no longer beating. This would have been my first son. The news was given December 6, and my surgery was December 14th. I unfortunately wish I had chance to hold him as all I have is his footprints the doctor was able to retrieve for me. I thought mentally would be harder to hold and love him but I truly wish we would have and beat myself up each day as I’m mourning and wondering if that would have been my closure. I’m so sad for you and I know how you feel. I wish this didn’t happen to us and that our boys were okay. I yearn for another but my partner doesn’t know how he feels about trying again which is upsetting to me. I’m so happy for you that you got a rainbow baby after as I know some women experience this more than once 😔 my heart is with you
Lolo
I had a chemical pregnancy as well and just lost my baby at 4 weeks.. it’s extremely hard to deal with and my gynecologist said as he walked out the door ” don’t worry you’re still young and I’ll deliver you when you do get pregnant” I was pregnant and he just didn’t see it as that.. it’s so hard because my family is harsh and won’t see the baby as a baby. I hope you can find peace.
Mel
I lost my first child at 5 1/2 weeks. And I also experienced people making me feel like I’m not a mother or my child was just a chemical pregnancy but that’s just not true. I started nurturing my child. I started talking to my baby from the time I found out. I began praying for my child. I was excited and planning for my baby. Nobody can take that away from me. I am a mother. And I miss not having that life inside me. I still don’t understand why but nevertheless not my will but GODs will. It’s still hard but it was apart of GODs perfect will and I draw my strength from that. I will have another child & all things lost will be restore through GOD!
Melanie
Kandle, I have 24 year old g/b twins, and my son had an identical for 12-16 weeks. As time goes on, I know (Heaven is Real) that my other son is waiting for me in Heaven, and I don’t want him to be without a name. HOW do you name a child list at 12-16 weeks? Is there a ceremony with a pastor? A proxy baptism? I am trying to figure out the logistics, so my son knows he is not forgotten, and he has a Name. Thank you.
Melanie
This is 12-16 weeks, in utero…
Melanie
Kandle, I have 24 year old g/b twins, and my son had an identical for 12-16 weeks. As time goes on, I know (Heaven is Real) that my other son is waiting for me in Heaven, and I don’t want him to be without a name. HOW do you name a child lost at 12-16 weeks? Is there a ceremony with a pastor? A proxy baptism? I am trying to figure out the logistics, so my son knows he is not forgotten, and he has a Name. Thank you.
gussie
I lost two babies early on. One at six and one at nine weeks. I hated hearing the comments that were intended to be comforting like Kandle described. The one that I heard most was “not compatible with life. ” what does that when mean? Any way the reason I replied to you was this… I often feel like my pain is less than that of some one who lost their child later on. I’m not sure why I tell myself that I am some how not allowed to grieve like them or like I suffered a smaller loss. You reminded me and enforced the idea that I too lost a child (actually two) and just because mine were”younger” doesn’t take away from the amount of pain.
jennifer
I recently lost my baby in June at 34weeks. His heart stopped beating and it turned out that the cord was wrapped around his neck tightly 2x. People who had miscarriages early on do the same thing you mentioned and try to down play their pain to mine. I just want to tell u a loss is a loss and all the grief you feel should not be down played for any reason. 🙂
Erica
Same thing happened to my baby boy Eric 3 months ago almost in July. July 13th I was 33 weeks he had the cord tightly around his neck 2x and knotted on 3rd.he was perfect and so handsome looked just like his daddy with a few of my features .. I miss him so much he was my firstborn I am 30 yrs old.. I hope I get my rainbow baby soon..
Erin
Oh Erica! I am so, so very sorry for the loss of your sweet Eric. Prayers for you today. I do hope you get that rainbow baby soon as well. <3
Mary
I lost a son like you-cord was wrapped around his neck. I was about 38 weeks. It will be 40 years ago on the 17th of March. I didn’t get to hold him or see him. My gynecologist advised me not too as this would be the image I would carry forever. I don’t know which would be worse, having an image of him or wishing I had held him, kissed him, seen him.
People did say all kinds of things that I am sure they didn’t mean-like you can always have another child and etc.
I guess what helped most were when someone who had lost a child just said “I know” because I knew they did. You want others to acknowledge your loss and can by just saying they are sorry for your loss and pray for you.
You will always, always, have this child in your heart and he will never be forgotten.
I know.
Rf
Similar to you I delivered a baby after she passed away with cord round her neck at 38 weeks. She would’ve been 22 today. In a strange way it helps to know that others understand what it feels like. Like you said they’ll never be forgotten. I left flowers at her ‘special’ place today, and each year little bunnies appear, but today it was a fawn, which seemed so tame, and unafraid even when I walked closer to it. Sending blessings to you all x
Mariam
I just a miscarriage at 23 weeks and 5 days …l had labor pains and gave birth .. pushed the baby out of me though some people say it was just a fetus don’t worry God will replace …l really miss him so muchy first child.Sadly l got to know l was having a baby boy on Monday and miscarried on Tuesday .
Erin
I am so sorry for this huge loss, Mariam. Praying for you today.
Hildred Tyler Watkins
Ashley, I also have two sons, both born by natural childbirth, but I also have 3 in heaven and I believe they are the daughters I never had. I feel for you and I will pray for you. I lost my last child on 12/18 of a year some years back but on that day every year I remember that day. I left a luncheon meeting I was attending and went home to bed. About two days later I was to have my first ultrasound as I was high-risk and because of my age. I went for the appt but told the technician I had miscarried. She asked how I knew. When you’ve carried two babies full term and lost two, you just know. She asked if I had brought the ’tissue’ with me. Oh, no!
Erin
I am so sorry for both of your losses. <3
Shelby E
Hi, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts through this blog. I have two babies in heaven and have experienced so much through miscarriage. Both of my babies were wanted pregnancies, my husband and I were “trying” each time we conceived. I lost our first at 9 weeks, though the baby passed away at 6 weeks. This was my first pregnancy and was the hardest miscarriage to experience because we really had no idea we had lost the baby. The second miscarriage was easier to deal with, but just as heartbreaking. I am so thankful for your perspective as a mom who has not miscarried before. I have heard so many hurtful words from “there was something probably wrong with the baby and God didn’t think you could handle it” to “you’ll had a child one day, you’re young and healthy” to my miscarriages being completely ignored by who I thought were my friends and even some family. After my second miscarriage I started a blog in the hopes of opening up people’s minds to what it really feels like to experience miscarriage. I hope that some of y’all will stop by. I have an email that I have opened for supporting other women through miscarriage. It’s my hope that I can use these terrible experiences to help others.
Denise
Hello I’m new here my sister which is my friend and I have 2 other friends that had lost a baby which I call them [heaven angel babies] they were trying to have family I believe over few years sister and friend traci and Stephanie sister got pregnant they were so happy then around 6 to 8 weeks they lost little angels it was very hard for them to greive they babies angels are in heaven now they have kids so if your doctor says you can’t have one we prayed and she got pregnant my sister gives you hope never give up
Erin
Thank you for offering this encouragement!
Miriah hodge
My first was stillborn at 24 weeks 6days. I had just turned 6 months pregnant. And I had stopped feeling my boy move. Everyone including doctors told me not to start kick counts till 28 weeks. But I felt something wasn’t right. On the second day I went into the er and was told his heart stopped Beating. I couldn’t stop beating myself up for not coming in sooner and that following mother’s day no one acknowledged me . I had delivered a baby who did not cry or look me in my eyes. All I could do was hold him for a few hours and leave the hospital without him. 🙁 time doesn’t make it easier. Now I’m pregnant with my second baby boy I’m 30 weeks currently and when people ask me is this my first I never hesitate to say no this is my second son. Even my husband’s mom told me on fathers day he wasn’t a father yet ! And she has one had one child (him) so just knowing she couldn’t relate but it still hurt because he knows he is a father to Two boys. Also hearing people say their kids are getting on their nerves or just being fed up I always wish I could have a baby bothering me and everyone says u will see when he gets here. I always beg to differ, by saying but I’m different iv lost a child and no how important it is to cherish every waking moment !
Dad from NJ
Years ago me and my wife were trying for our first child. It took some time but eventually my wife became pregnant with our first daughter. My mother in law became very ill years later and one night had a vision of the first child of which we didn’t realize that my wife miscarried. It was amazing to find this out.
Susan
Thank you for sharing that, I baby went to heaven 11th week of pregnancy. Some said it was just a fetus that hurt. I know that my baby a true being and is very much with Jesus. It is my only consolation. It’s only 2mths now but it feels like today.
Danielle
The exact same thing happened to me at the 10th 11th week our baby was gone. This Valentine’s Day marked a year since and all I can say is may the Lord give you the peace and strength to get through this hurt. I know these babies are in heaven and I’m thankful that we can take comfort in knowing that.
Erin
I’m so sorry for your losses.
Annaleah
I’ve had two miscarriages – we lost our first and third children. When we lost our first baby, everyone around us knew about it, and one of the most appreciated things was the card that simply said “I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby”. I agree that the acknowledgement of the baby was so important to me. At that time, someone else told me that we could “try again”, and while I know that that person loved us and was only trying to encourage us, those words hurt because to me it felt like this baby, this baby we had loved and lost was not important enough to grieve. It really is amazing the love you can have for someone you haven’t even met, and the grief you can feel when they’re gone.
Anonymous
I have a dear friend who just experienced a still-birth…and her baby was full-term. It is agonizing knowing the pain she is going through, and it is still hard to know what to say. She has grieved through miscarriages before, but this was a new level of pain. The strength God gave her to get through labor and delivery was amazing, but I just wish there was something I could do to ease her grief
julie
I, too, lost my daughter to stillbirth at full term. The best advice I can give to you is to just be present with her. Hug her as often as she’ll let you. Don’t ask what she needs, just anticipate and do it. If she hasn’t got the will to do her laundry, just do it for her because shes not going to ask. Dishes piled up in her sink, just wash them. If you don’t Know what to say, just say a silent prayer for her. Lord knows she needs it. When she cries, just hold her. Don’t shush her. She’s gotta get it out. I remember silently screaming in my head in a room full ofpeople. The worst feeling is feeling alone even when in the presence of others. If you are close enough to hang around her house without making her feel like she has to “entertain” you, then hang out. A lot. Bring a book. I give this advice with the assumption that you’re close. An acquaintance shouldn’t try this. But when going through something like this, we all really need a good friend.
Linda
Julie, wise, wise words of advice. As someone who has also lost a baby several hours after birth, you said it SO well! And I agree, one of the worst feelings was feeling alone even in the presence of others. I also felt like none of my friends were there for me like you explained and I desperately longed for that. It was such a very lonely time.
Catherine
I agree, that is very good advice Julie. I had a miscarriage at 5 weeks and the help that meant the most was when a friend didn’t ask me what I needed, she just came over and brought supper that was enough to last for days so I didn’t have to worry about cooking, which was the last thing on my mind. She also stopped by once in awhile to see how I was doing. Just “being there”, really being with someone can speak a lot more than words.
Anonymous
This was perfect, very well said. I lost my first at 40 weeks, it’ll be 3 years ago in two weeks. I wish I’d have had someone to do those things for me and to just be there with me. Sitting in my completely silent house alone was horrible. Of course I still had to keep up with my house, while both in deep grief and post-partum, I’d have loved someone to just scrub the bathroom quickly or do some laundry or, while we had plenty of dinners provided by our church, pick up some essentials like milk, bread, toilet paper, etc., it would’ve just been a blessing. I think what you said was very true, Julie. I’m sorry for your loss and hope you find peace and healing soon.
Erin
Thank you for sharing your story and advice!!
Morgan
This would have been exactly what I needed, but I didn’t know how to ask for it. I miscarried at 10 weeks and the physical effects of the miscarriage were incredibly difficult. I bled for an entire month. The loss of my child was hard enough and I was overwhelmed with trying to clean a house, keep up with laundry, go grocery shopping. I was still working outside the house, too. I needed someone to come take care of me for a bit, without me having to ask for it. That is the advice I would give to others when you have a friend who lost a child.
Naomi
We also lost our first and third. I appreciated so much when people didn’t ignore it, but just showed love and compassion. Cards– even simple cards with hardly any words. They all meant so much. That someone, maybe even a single lady or a mom of many or a mom dealing with infertility, took time to focus on my struggles and not just their own. Such a blessing. I would also say while it is hard to hear about other people having babies and such it was even harder when I found out late into a friend’s pregnancy that she didn’t tell me b/c she didn’t want to hurt me. I would much rather know and rejoice with you! God gives each of us different trials and blessings. Just because I’m suffering with one a trial doesn’t mean I can’t rejoice in your blessing. I also appreciated people comments– even the ones that were thoughtless. 🙂 They honestly didn’t know what to say. Someone asked me if it was hard. Um, mildly. 🙂 But I realized she was just trying to find a way to talk to me about it and really had no clue. A better idea might be to say, “I can’t imagine how hard that was.” 🙂 We are blessed with one very sweet 18 month old and I’m praying earnestly for a sibling for him. He has two in heaven, but we’d love for him to have a playmate, or two, or ten 🙂 when the Lord sees fit.
Leah
I also had a miscarriage very early on. Probably about 6 weeks. It was hard and it sucked but I have friends who have lost babies so our kids are playing together in paradise. The worst part about it was when my 3 yr old son didn’t understand why Jesus wanted our baby in Heaven. He didn’t think that was fair. For comfort I guess just being there and being willing to talk. Not forcing the issue but not avoiding it.
gussie
Our oldest daughter struggled with understanding too. She went through a phase of being angry with Jesus. It was so hard to see but she eventually got to a place of acceptance.
Melinda
I lost a baby when I was seven weeks pregnant a mere few weeks after we found out I was expecting. I would have appreciated more people acknowledging that I had lost a child. It’s easy for others to downplay that our child died. I wasn’t showing yet. I hadn’t felt the baby move. Even still if I mention I lost a baby, some people are quick to tell me about a worse situation they’ve experienced. I don’t doubt they’ve been through difficulties, but that doesn’t change the fact that I lost a child too. I think the most important thing to remember when talking to the mother of a child born into heaven is to remember that she lost a child . . . not just a pregnancy.
gussie
Yes. My thoughts exactly. My two were first trimester and it seemed like people didn’t understand why I was so upset. Like they think of it as losing a pregnancy instead of a baby.
Emily
Thank you for this post! Iv’e had some miscarriages and have gone through loss through adoption. We have one child we have adopted so far and I’m so thankful. We love the family he came from. We hope to adopt again but I have been so scared to go through the process again. Your post helps to acknowledge the pain and it feels like it take bricks off of my back that I have been carrying! You put it beautifully! I want to thank you!!!
Heather
Beautiful. So beautiful. Thank you for such love and grace poured out in a post. <3
I answered your question over on the FB page, and just wanted to thank you for touching on a topic that only recently has been addressed instead of being taboo. I was able to hold my first child, even though he passed away during birth. Those memories have carried me through 15 year of missing him, crying on his birthday, seeing an empty spot at the table, etc. Then 12 miscarriages later, it is hard for me to tell people how many children I have. I am the very proud mamma of 16 kids, I just didn't know 13 of them would be waiting for me in Heaven.
Blessings to you and yours,
~Heather Estey @ The Welcoming House Blog
Jen
I lost my first baby when I was 22 weeks along. I had people that didn’t acknowledge it, and that was the worst! But of course I totally understand that people just don’t know what to say – just like I don’t know what to say to someone who has lost a parent or a spouse, because I haven’t experienced it!
There were many people who simply said they were praying for me and that was enough for me! Sometimes when people try to say too much it ends up coming out wrong. 🙂 I also love when people talk about my baby by name, even almost 4 years later. Because Levi is my baby, even if he’s no longer with us.
Erin
I love the name Levi…and, yes, he is STILL your baby, and you are STILL his mama! Don’t let anyone try to say otherwise! I am so sorry people didn’t acknowledge it. I hope you are filled with peace today!
Erica
We just had our third “sticky” baby (one that stuck, that we got to keep), fifth baby in all, and named him Levi because it means “attached.” Our first and fourth baby are in heaven, lost at 8 and 12 weeks, respectively.
Terra W
This year is the first time I’ve come to realize that I really do have 4 children and not 2. I lost 2 of them 18 and 14 years ago and I had 2 that I got to keep here with me in between. Having gone through that and being as devastated as I was we decided to take matters into our own hands and have since try to undo what we did. It was not successful and I still haven’t come to terms w/that.
Erin
Yes, you are the mother of 4! I pray God gives you peace in that and the whole situation!
pam
I agree Terra, I am to a mother of 4 not 2. I lost my 2nd and 3rd child but I always say I say I have 2 children but now I will say I have 4 children. 2 here and 2 in heaven.
Erin
Amen. You are a mama of 4–never forget that, Pam! Go in grace and peace, Mama. I pray you are encouraged today.
Anna Teffeau
I have four grandchildren, I tell everyone about each of them just like any other grandmother would do. They always ask me if I get to see them often, I smile and my response is I have one grandson in Ga, he is two. I have one grandson in SC he is 18 months old and by twin baby girls Kaylee and Sadie are in heaven sitting on Jesus lap. I am amazed at the different responses I actually get. I was fortunate to be able to go to Georgia when my son called to say that they stopped breathing prior to their birth. I was able to hold them and for those few precious moments I will cherish for the rest of my life.
Cheryn
This post surprised me by making me cry. After my eldest daughter, I miscarried 2 babies at 12 and 10 weeks. It was awful, two of the hardest things I’ve ever been through. My fourth pregnancy was so hard. I was terrified until I reached about 20 weeks, and literally did nothing in that whole time. I basically put myself on bedrest. I probably didn’t need to, but my instincts so strongly told me to take care of my baby. Two healthy girls later, I have healed the aching wounds, but there are times that I remember those babies, and my heart yearns to know them.
Erin
I can only imagine your yearning. I would not blame you at all for putting yourself on bedrest. I cannot imagine the nerves. Thank you for sharing your story!
Tannis W
We lost our first child, a son, to stillbirth at 36 1/2 weeks. You said it very well in your letter with, “to have held the hope of a child without actually getting to hold that child in your arms.” We did get to hold our son, but holding your child’s lifeless body is something very different from what most parents experience. What has been most helpful to me is when people listen when I mention my son, when someone says “I’m thinking of you”, when someone mentions my child by name. And when you’re talking about your children and how they are mastering new skills like crawling, walking, talking, just know that I know exactly how old my son is and can only wonder what he’d be doing if he was still with us.
Erin
Wow–I can only imagine your pain. Thank you for much for sharing your story and for giving us tips on what to say.
theresa
I lost my daughter at 38 weeks in sept 2013. I gave birth, but there were no cries from a newborn. I got to hold her, but she did not move. It’s heartbreaking. One moment you think you will come home with a wonderful baby and have all your hopes and dreams, and the next, everything you ever imagined your life would be is torn from you, and you are never the same.
Thank you for your article. I definitely consider myself a mom, but I do run into people who just don’t get it and say the wrong thing. I am expecting again, and just today a lady at work (who knew what had happened with my daughter) asked me if this was my first. I was very confused and mentioned again that I had a baby last year. But she proceeded to say, “yea, but this will be your first then right? no other kids at home?” I told her there were no living kids at home, but this one is my second. Sometimes I’m still stunned that some people don’t consider the daughter I lost as my child or that I am already a mom. Best you can do is always acknowledge the children we lost. Don’t forget that we think of them every moment of everyday and will always be sad about it. Please mention them and check to see how we are. And like other people said, just be there. Physically come and make meals, clean the house, be there as a shoulder to cry on. A lot of people didnt know what to say, which I get, so they didnt say anything. But saying SOMETHING is better than nothing. Never pretend it didnt happen.
Erin
Thank you so much for sharing you story, Theresa. I am so sorry for your loss. Congrats on baby #2!!
Anon
I am so very sorry for your loss. I had a horrific miscarriage on a visit to Dubai in Sept 2012–it took a year to get that pregnancy. Two years later, I unexpectedly got pregnant, even though we were desperately trying, and it resulted in an ectopic :/ and surgery a few weeks ago–the day before my anniversary. I am devastated and angry at God. It’s unacceptable to have this happen and watch everyone around me blessed with children. 🙁 such a horrible, lonely experience
Anonymous
I understand your pain. We tried for a while to get pregnant, finally did, and our daughter was still born at 35 weeks two weeks ago. Everyone else around me is pregnant and having babies. You and I won’t ever understand why our babies went to heaven, but we have to trust in our loving Father. He promises hope and comfort. I keep reminding myself of Job – he lost ten children in a day, and responded by worshipping God. Recently I read that sometimes worshipping God looks like singing His praises, and sometimes it looks like surrendering to His greater wisdom. He doesn’t promise an answer to “why?”, but He understands our pain, is the God of all comfort (2 Cor 1), and promises never to leave us. Praying for you in your pain.
Siné
I lost my 3rd and 4th babies to miscarriage. One of them was a very early miscarriage. The other was at the 12w3d into my pregnancy. Both were equally painful. When I lost my 2nd baby most of my female friends were pregnant or had just had babies and yet instead of avoiding me they surrounded me with more love and care than I could ever imagine. One of my dear friends offered her husbands research skills to help us figure out what options we had for burying our sweet Oliver. All of my husbands Aunts and Uncles signed a form so we could bury Oliver with my husbands grandmother. Our priest held a graveside service and amazingly my husband’s entire department at work and many of our family and friends came to grieve with us. What a testimony to the sweet life that was lived out only in the womb.
Erin
Oh wow–your story gives me chills. Praise God for the support you had surrounding you. What a special way to honor your Oliver! Thank you for sharing!
Nicole H
Thank you for writing this. I went through an awful year in which I miscarried 3 times in a row. I thought I might never conceive again, then was afraid I’d never have a live baby. There were a small handful of people who had walked that road before me, but most had no idea what I was going through, much less how to react, what to say or do. As a mom who has experienced miscarriage, I love that you can admit that you DON’T know what to say and DON’T have any answers. I think most grieving moms really just need someone to listen to them and let them cry, let them remember, let them grieve at their own pace and in their own way. Support them with your prayers, give them space if they need it, but mostly just love them through it. Mention the baby or pregnancy, ask them how they are REALLY doing, and be sensitive about certain milestones like due dates, six months or one year after the loss, etc. Remembering those things really means a lot to a grieving mom.
Erin
Thank you for sharing your story and arming us with some great ways to minister!
Sarah
I guess you could say I had an opposite reaction… I grieve the baby we don’t get to hold and give as a gift to our daughter for her birthday (the new baby was due about a week from her birthday and I tend to run late) but I’m also okay with what happened. I’m at peace about it. I had a feeling early on that I might not carry to term yet held out hope and prayed and expected the best outcome. I don’t have a history of miscarriage so it was unexpected but I feel as if, somehow, I was prepared for it. My friends grieved for us and sympathized but I felt as if I was… overwhelmed by their sadness about it. I felt a little guilty for not being heartbroken and distraught but those were not my feelings, I don’t know why. I miss the baby who would have been but I know he is kickin’ it with Jesus and what more could a mother ask for? The hardest part is explaining it to our 4 and 2 year olds who still ask (three months later) when the baby will be here. They lift my shirt and rub my belly and I have to remind them that the baby went to heaven. I think that’s the hardest part for me.
Erin
I can only imagine how hard it would be to explain to the kids–mine are close to that age as well. Praise God for the peace He has given you! Thank you for sharing!
Mandy
I’ve got several in heaven, and I love this letter. I love that even though you don’t know what to say, you’re open to learning and asking and ministering anyway, instead of running away fearfully. I have babies born into heaven as well, and it hurts. I have 2 babies here (ages 4 and 6) that I adore, and the pain of losing the other children still hurts. it’s hard to hear “but you still have two, so just be happy!” Yes, I have two beautiful babies, but I’ve lost several others that I will never hold in my arms or feed from my breast. Someone who lost a child after birth (25 years after birth) once told me that my pain isn’t as bad as hers, and that losing a child after birth is so much harder. I wouldn’t know, and it was hard to hear her say that. I felt she was minimizing my pain.
Letters like this…oh, they heal a bit. Each time someone ministers to me, it’s one more stitch in healing the wound and don’t ever think that just one stitch isn’t enough. it’s one more than I had before. Thank you.
Erin
Praise God for little stitches each and every day. I was nervous about publishing this post–it feels like such a heavy responsibility to try to minister to ladies like yourself…when I don’t know what to say! I am so sorry that lady said that to you. I cannot fathom her pain–nor can she fathom yours. It sounds like she was speaking out of grief. I am so sorry!
Billi
Mandy, I’m sorry that a mother who lost a child 25 years after birth minimized the pain you were feeling. As a mom who has lost children through miscarriage, had stillborn twins followed by a hysterectomy and a 22 year old daughter, I’m uniquely qualified to say that the loss of a child hurts regardless of the circumstances. As Erin said she was probably speaking out of grief.
I can honestly say that the pain I experienced after each loss was just as bad. Unfortunately I found that people were more sympathetic when I lost my 22 year old than when I “only” miscarried. I would have been grateful if more of the people around me had acknowledged the loss of my other babies. Usually I suffered in silence, pretending I was fine because that was easier than hearing, “you can have more” or “you have (x amount) of healthy children. Every time I heard one of those phrase I wanted to scream, ” Yes but there’s still someone missing!”
I think the best way to help someone who experiencing loss is to help with the things of daily living, ie: laundry, housework, meals, babysitting if there are other children, and make no judgment about how they’re grieving. Just be there!
Erin, I’d like to thank you for having the courage to follow what God put on your heart. Because you haven’t experienced, you knew you didn’t know anything but He does and you allowed your heart to be opened so the words could flow and hopefully heal.
Dear Lord, Bless each person who reads Erin’s letters that they may have the love and healing they need. Watch over the loved ones and keep them all in your loving arms. In Jesus name, Amen.
Sarah
I have lost two babies this year due to miscarriage. This kind of loss is so unique in that it isn’t really talked about and most people who haven’t experienced it have no idea what to say and do. I did a series about miscarriage on my blog and included a post about how friends and family can help. http://thebiblicalfamily.wordpress.com/2013/03/01/miscarriage-the-family-friends/
Also, me and 13 other bloggers got together and compiled our stories into an ebook to offer hope and healing to other women. I’ve had some friends tell me that they have shared the ebook with a friend who had a miscarriage and that it was such a blessing for them to have something they could give to help. Here is a link to download the ebook which is FREE: http://thebiblicalfamily.wordpress.com/2013/08/27/miscarriage-ebook-release/
Thank you for this article!
Jessica
When I read this I was like wow I have finally found women who have gone through some really bad times just like I have. I had 3 babies that were born into Heaven and I have a 7 year old son here with my husband and me. My son was turning 3 when we found out I was expecting our second child. We were really excited about adding to our little family. I ended up miscarrying at 7 weeks and I thought I was going to die when it happened. I kept asking why did this happen to me and my family but the good thing my husband was there with me sharing my pain and agony. Then 2 years later my family decided to take our son to Fiesta Texas to the six flags for his birthday. Well when we returned home I ended up in the ER because I couldnt breath and I was running fever. While my visit their the DR decided to do a pregnancy test and when the results were came back I was so shocked to find out I was 3 or 4 weeks but I was already experiencing a miscarriage because I was slightly bleeding. Well this last year I found out i was pregnant for the 4th time and I was so thrilled that we were but under the circumstances of our house getting fixed and money issues because my husband and I were unemployed we were very scared but happy at the same time. I was 6 weeks when I began that most hurtful miscarriage due to I had already heard the heart beat and I had saw the sonogram of the baby. I mean I know it was not my fault and God doesnt give you hurtles that you cant over come but it was a bad time for me. I mean I thought I was being punished at the time but then my husband, family, and friends made me realize that it would be ok and it will get better in time. So i began writing a journal to express what I was going through because I had to be brave for my son and not show him how broke I was at the time. But now the hardest part of the last I think also was my son understood that mommy was going to have a baby and he would be the older brother or a baby brother or sister. So when he would ask why and what happened it pierced my heart and I didnt think I could bare it. But now I am finally getting over the things but I do remember all the expected due dates to all my pregnancies and it does make things better for me to tell my friends and family that I am the mother of 4 and I always get that look when they just see my son and I have to say I have 1 here on earth with me and I have 3 in heaven as our Guardian Angels. They know I loved each and everyone of my children even though they are not here for me to physical touch, hug, kiss, or love they are always in my heart and when ever I can I send my love to them in Heaven.
Dawn
I just want to thank you for your post, and for your honesty. My sweet baby, Tzeitel, my only child, went to Heaven at 8 weeks gestation, June 7, 2012. It touches me more than you will ever know, when I see ladies (both mamas and women who haven’t had babies yet), who yearn to minister to my mama’s heart, and just don’t know how. I tell people, the best thing I can think of, is to say my baby’s name, and don’t be afraid to talk about her, to ask me how I’m doing (and honestly care), and to pray for me. Everything beyond that is great, but those are the things that minister to me the most.
Julie
I’ve lost at least three early to miscarriage and I also lost my son, Peter, to stillbirth at 41 weeks, 2 days. I may have had a few more very early miscarriages but my husband hated buying tests and insisted I not test until I was very late.
My first confirmed miscarriage was very hard. I had had two girls without too many pregnancy complications and I was pretty much oblivious to the fact that miscarriage happens so often. I was so excited (and a tiny bit scared- we’d recently decided to downsize so I could be a SAHM) to be expecting again since we had previously said we were done having babies. It took me a while to find the right doctor. The doctor I chose did the ultrasound because I’d been spotting. He found only a sac with no baby. He could tell I was in shock and told me it was okay to grieve. I really needed to hear that. I had no idea what to do. We were expected to travel to see our family for Christmas though. I lost the baby on December 21st and we had to leave on the 24th to travel for 5 hours to see our families. I did receive some kind words from my extended family. I have one aunt of my mom’s 5 sisters who’d miscarried and two cousins. My aunt gave me a printed prayer card and even though we come from different churches I very much appreciated her kindness in the gesture. I kept the card and still have it in a memory box I made for my baby.
From that point I was very cautious telling people about my pregnancies. My husband thought we should wait to try again so we didn’t have our next child until 2 years later. He was born at home in a big tub in our dining room. My husband caught him. It was pretty amazing.
I lost my next baby at 6 weeks but this time it wasn’t as hard because I was very cautious and I had my amazing midwife to talk to. She told me that I was still going through a birth process while losing this baby, it was just on a smaller scale and that while I was letting go of my baby physically, it would help me let go of him/her emotionally too.
I got pregnant again not long after with my son Peter. I had become very healthy physically and ate all the right foods, even juicing my own wheat grass and making lots of healthy meals and snacks. I also prayed a lot for him, went to church and Bible studies. When we lost him to umbilical cord prolapse at full term (41 weeks, 2 days) it was an unbelievable shock. He died in an ambulance on the way to the hospital when my water broke and the EMS crew that was slowly driving us to the hospital treated our situation as a non-emergency because it was a midwife telling them we needed help right away and not a doctor. For a short time, the authorities were looking to put us in jail but we didn’t realize it until a very kind detective told my husband that we no longer had anything to worry about because the state did not consider our son human since he never took a breath on his own. He hesitated to tell us that because I’m sure he knew it would hurt us a great deal. It did. The hospital also tried to deny us help because we hired a midwife. There were a lot of mistakes made and a massive amount of lies told by the nurses and EMS workers. All this gradually came to light afterward as I went around gathering records from the hospital, sheriff’s department and the ambulance run records.
I had (still do) a lot of grief and anger to deal with. I thought I needed to hold it together for my other children, my family, my friends. I ran on automatic pilot for a week. Long enough for the funeral guests to go home and everyone to think I was okay I guess. Then exactly a week later, possibly at the exact time my son died I had a mini break down while leaving a building. In the middle of summer a cool breeze from a summer storm hit me as I was opening the door and I got chills and shook so hard I could barely get into my van. Thankfully my husband was with me and he managed to get me home.
I began to realize I was so distracted and unable to concentrate that I was getting lost while driving. I also nearly hit a little girl who was riding her bike across the street because my brain didn’t register that I needed to stop and let her cross. Thank God her mom called her back and she listened. I stopped driving after that.
I was also unable to read and still have trouble sometimes 7 years later. I would read one paragraph over and over again because I could not focus on the words I was reading and would forget what I had just read by the time I was done with the paragraph. This also affects my writing. As you can probably tell, I have a hard time making myself understood in writing anymore because it’s still hard to concentrate. I used to be a good speller. Not anymore.
My hair fell out too. Probably a third of it. I had a big horseshoe like male pattern baldness where you could see straight through my hair to my scalp because it was so thin.
I began to have memory problems. That has gotten only a little better. I have good days and bad but I can’t remember people’s names anymore like I used to. Even the people in my LifeGroup at church. I have to really think about it to recall their names sometimes.
I lost my next baby at 6 weeks. I have to admit that I was terrified of what would happen so I was actually happy for that baby that he/she was in heaven and that I had lost him/her early before getting so very attached.
I’ve had a lot of awful things said to me about my losses. – You can always try again- Be thankful you have other children, etc. I think the worst though is when I tell people about losing my son and they get upset that homebirth was involved. I had a good friend give me attitude about it when I was telling her. I can’t trust her anymore. I’ve had so many people try to defend the ambulance crew that was involved, saying they were young and inexperienced. I don’t see how that excuses what they did. Besides, the guy in charge that day was an 11 year EMS veteran who’d worked in two different states. It’s amazing the information you can find on people on the internet, isn’t it?
I’d say the best thing to do when trying to minister to a mother who has lost her child is to knowledge her pain and her baby. If the baby had been named, use the baby’s name. Let the mother feel like she can talk about her baby. Cry with her. That’s what the Bible says to do, right? Don’t tell her not to cry, she needs to mourn her baby. Don’t tell her she can try again. I’ve heard it said- which of your children would you want to simply go away and never see again while on this earth? Would you want people to tell you not to cry, not to mourn, not to be sad and just be grateful you have other children? Of course not. I actually saw that happen on facebook a few days ago. A mother was expressing her sadness that she had lost one of her twins and saying she’d do anything to have her back. Another woman told her to just be grateful she had the remaining twin to nurse and hold. It was awful. I had to say something.
One of the nicest phone calls we got immediately after losing our son was from my brother-in-law’s step-son. He just said he was so very sorry and that he didn’t know what to say. You could hear how genuine he was in his voice. I will never forget his kindness. He’s not perfect but his mama raised him right.
Be there to listen. Other moms get to share their children’s milestones, post pictures on facebook, etc. Bereaved moms don’t get to do that. Especially if we lost a baby early. I actually had a friend say she forgot about my son. I know she didn’t mean to but that REALLY hurt me. I share photos of my son Peter. I was SO blessed that my midwife had a friend who was part of an organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. It’s a group that lists professional photographers who are willing to photograph babies who were stillborn or who are terminally ill with their families. It was a beautiful gift to have those pictures. I absolutely love the shots the photographer got for us. We had a camera but the pictures we took weren’t good and two polaroids taken of Peter by a nurse at the hospital were awful. He looked so lifeless. The hospital had no idea this organization existed. I’m SO grateful my midwife called this friend for us.
I also have to say I hate it when people tell me I’m strong. I am anything BUT strong. I cried in the shower every day for the first two years after losing my baby boy and randomly throughout the days. With the way the loss of my son has affected me physically, there’s no way anyone can call me strong, not if they really knew what was going on with me. And most people don’t want to hear about that. I have a hard time at times hearing about loss so I get it but I still feel very alone most of the time.
The open wounds in my heart will always be there. I’ve resigned myself to that. But there are things that help ease the pain- my two baby girls born to me after my son Peter. I never imagined that would be the case because the pain of his loss was unfathomable. Having my own babies to hold. A living, breathing baby that survived the perils of my womb… while I still grieve and mourn for their brother every day, their little smiles and their craziness and laughter help bind the wounds just a little. Helping other bereaved mothers. I’ve prayed for bereaved moms, talked to them, listened to their stories, bonded with them, helped them raise money for their baby’s funerals, sent them No More Milk tea to help with the pain of having milk in their breast but no baby to feed it to, written sympathy notes, bought gifts for their rainbow babies- I think that is what has helped me the most. I don’t think I could have done all that immediately but over the years as I come in contact with them it’s helped them and me both.
Thanks for writing this. I hope someone gains something from it. I’m sorry my comment was so very long but it means a lot that people who haven’t experienced this kind of loss are caring enough to think of those who have.
Sara P
Thanks for sharing your story. I hope that you have been able to get good counseling after your losses, particularly Peter’s. The symptoms you describe sound like possible post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). This would be totally understandable after what you went through, and nothing to be ashamed of.
Julie
Thank you Sara, for acknowledging me and my baby son. 🙂 Usually all I ever get is crickets when I go into that much detail about what happened. Believe it or not there’s much more to it. I’ve looked in to the symptoms of PTSD because I knew there was something really wrong with me but I haven’t had any counseling. Can’t afford it. I was offered counseling by the hospital immediately after losing Peter but I was inwardly so angry at all of them that I instantly turned it down. I don’t live in the area anymore anyway so even if I wanted help from them it wouldn’t work out. Thanks again for your kind words.
Lyn
I too was VERY angry after losing our first son Keaton at 27 weeks. I can’t tell you how much the SANDS (stillbirth and neonatal death society) group offered by another hospital helped me get through those first tough months. My husband attended for a few weeks, but then I went alone. The first few weeks I just sat there and cried the whole hour. I couldn’t even look up, let alone talk about my “story”. After some time and hearing the other stories, I knew that there were others that knew EXACTLY what I was experiencing. Then I began to tell my story especially after 6 moths when new mothers with new loses began to join the group. Hearing and seeing the pain from these women showed me how far I have progressed in my healing.
Remember, EVERYDAY we grow stronger and one day your story will help some other Mother through the fresh wound you are experiencing today.
Lisa
I have not lost any babies, but as a volunteer photographer for Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep (NILMDTS.ORG), I have photographed over 3 dozen angels. Those parent are suffering through the unimaginable and it is such a bittersweet blessing that I can provide them with beautiful images of their precious babies. The second session I ever did was for my best friend… we were both pregnant with our only baby girls. I was 24 weeks; she was 18 weeks. My Lilah survived. Her Morgan did not. Although I walked that road with her, it was different for me. I felt grief for her baby girl, and it made me feel guilty that I got to keep mine. As time has passed, we both have had another son, but we will never forget those tiny toes and beautiful long fingers on a hand that we will never hold this side of Heaven.
Ashley W
God Bless you for what you do. I love your organization, and though I’ve never had to use it personally I know several who have and the pictures they’ve had done have brought them so much peace. Thank you!
Julie
Yes! Thank you for what you do. I’m so sorry for your friend’s loss. I was so unbelievably blessed by the NILMDTS photographer who took pictures of my family and my son after he was stillborn. I absolutely love those photographs and having them lest me share him with the world. I don’t think people realize that he was real until they see those pictures. Thank you!
Jill
Thank you for the work you do!!!
Jamie Schaff
Erin, is the sweet momma you mention named Stacey?
Ashley W
Our first baby was born into Heaven in December 2010 when I was 7 weeks pregnant. We hadn’t told anyone we were pregnant yet so it was difficult to grieve because no one knew why we were grieving. We eventually told several friends and family and I am so thankful that we never experienced any negative comments. In fact, God blessed us abundantly during that experience through some friends. My husband was helping out at a youth group event while I stayed home and rested (my doctor suspected I was miscarrying but we were awaiting blood test results and didn’t know for sure at this point). As he was leaving the event some friends of ours who had struggled with infertility and miscarriage stopped him and mentioned to him that if we ever had problems with infertility or miscarriage and needed someone to talk to they would love to talk with us. They had no idea what was going on, but God providentially used them to minister to us in a mighty way. I eventually shared with them how God had used them in our lives and thanked them for their kindness.
I think one of the most important things you can do when speaking to someone who has lost a baby to Heaven is to be sincere, understanding, and kind. We love hearing that you are praying for us, that you love us, and that you’ll be there if we need you.
Rachel
I had a loss at 5 weeks just before I got pregnant with our first earthside baby. I think the best thing someone said to me was when my Dr was taking down information at my first appointment. He asked me if this was my first pregnancy, when I said that I had had a positive home test then had crazy bad bleeding and cramps a week later he said to me. ” Then mama, you have had a loss, and I am so sorry for your pain. ” He then went on to ask me if I had any fears with this pregnancy, ordered an early ultrasound and continued to be attentive and kind throughout my entire pregnancy. He is a wonderful Dr.
Deb
I had a miscarriage at 6-7 wks. over 3 decades ago. I had only known for a few days that i was pregnant. I had horribel cramping and lost it while at my in-laws walking around their backyard. hubby was busy with his family and I was crying and crying trying not to be heard. Finally allt he apin was gone and I saw the baby I had delivered in my underwear on a pad I ahd been wearing for the bleeding. i went to the ER and it was confirmed it was a baby, but they couldn’t tell me more but that it had developed as far as it was able to and then I miscarried. They took it away and I never saw it again. I was young and with a not so supportive hubby, my ex shortly after, and really ahd not much idea what was happening. It never got named as the sex wasn’t determined. I could see the ribcage and that’s about all you could identify. Our family had known we were pregnant but really didn’t do anything much. I ended up having a D-n-C as my bleeding still as happening 6 wks. after. I went on to have 3 healthy children but had 3 high risk pregnancies. Fisrt was spotting at 6 wks. bedrest for another 6 wks. The second moved all around at about 8 mos. and ended up with the cord wrapped twice around her neck. The thrid had the afterbirth first, placenta previa, so she was a c-section. All were born fine. No one ever really mnetioned my first baby, I guess it was normal in those days. My sis had a miscarriage with her first pregnancy also. My mom might have had one or two as she ran later always and soemtimes had horrible cramping and huge clots. Hopefully some day my girls will be able to have healthy low risk pregnancies and not go through what I did. Great post, enjoyed reading it.
Melanie
I had my first miscarriage after four regular pregnancies. After our four children were born we decidied not to have any more children. We didn’t do anything permanent thank God. About two years later the Lord started dealing with my heart about having more children. I was scared but so willing to trust him. In April of this year I found out I was pregnant! We told the kids and all of our families. Four days later I started spotting and later miscarried. Then in June we found out we were pregnant again. Once again I was so excited but sooo nervous. The weeks went by slowly and I was just beginning to feel confident that everything was ok. I went for my 12 week ultrasound and the baby was dead. They said that she had just died according to the scan. We were devestaded. I am still healing. So many people were so good to us and loved us and acknowledged that our baby was indeed a baby. But there were a few who didnt say anything and stayed away. That hurt so much. I don’t know if they didn’t know what to say or if it was just too weird for them. I needed love, and for them to care about my baby. The Lord is with me daily, it is still very hard. I am still healing. If you know someone who is losing a baby, love them, tell them that you care, that you loved their baby too. Don’t worry about making the momma cry, she is going to cry anyway. Bring her dinner or lunch and just listen and be there. Please pray for me as this is still so fresh on my heart. I love my two little ones in heaven so much. I am thankful that they are with my Lord.
jenn0021
You wrote this post really well. It’s true, if you haven’t been through it, you can’t comprehend how it feels. And everyone grieves differently.
We are currently going through our 3rd loss, 4th baby (the first was twins) and it is so hard. It’s so hard to see everyone else getting what I so desperately want. It’s hard when people say things hurtful, even if they are meant to be kind. It’s hard when people just pretend it never happened. It’s hard.
A way of ministering that I would have especially appreciated this time around is meals. I had my D&C over a week ago and the recovery has been rough. I have not felt up to cooking and my husband has been really busy with work. A meal and a card would go a long way.
Kelley
It’s interesting that you mentioned that about her wanting 10 kids. I thought the same thing after I experienced my second loss. I lost my 1st and my 6th at 12-13 weeks, and my 7th at 6 weeks(So I have 4 living children.) I am due with baby number 8…what I’ve always called my lucky number even though I don’t really believe in stuff like that, in January. I can now say I am content to have however many children the Lord wants us to have. I agree with what others have said…acknowledging that it was a BABY that was lost…and would just add that it’s good to also be sensitive about bringing it up. I battled depression after the loss of my 6th child for over a year, and it was very hard for me, when the sun seemed to finally start shining again after 3 or 4 months, and then a friend would bring it up…offering condolences, and asking how I’m doing, but it was just the last thing I wanted then. And asking how i was doing was always the worst question because I always felt obligated to say ” I’m doing ok” or “I’m hanging in there” or something somewhat positive so the person asking wouldn’t feel bad, but all I really wanted to do was be honest and say that I was still feeling awful, depressed, confused, and alone…that even though I still loved the Lord, and had faith, that I was struggling with knowing I would never understand…but people don’t want to hear that…so, if you don’t want to hear that, and you don’t want to force the person to lie for your benefit, I think it’s better not to ask. Love you <3 behind this post.
Amanda Z
I seem to fall in the cracks of your dear mom letters. My baby was born premature – healthy, but just too tiny. He lived for a week – so I know what its like to watch your child die. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.
I beg you to ask us about our Angel Babies. Talking about them, what we imagined for their lives, what we do to remember them, how we picture them in the arms of Jesus – this is the only parenting we get to do. Do not be afraid of making us cry; we cry anyway. Mark special days with us, like Mother’s Day, baby’s birthday and/or angelversary. Remember days like October 15 – Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.
Invite us to your baby showers. And be understanding when we aren’t there. Share pictures of your little ones. But know that we can’t bear to see 17 thousand of them! Let us snuggle your littles, and understand we will cry. Or may not want to touch them at all. Forgive us when we don’t want to sit in your living room with 6 kids bouncing on the furniture and laughing and having fun. Be compassionate when we finally conceive again, and are the MOST ANXIOUS pregnant women you’ll ever meet. Stop telling us our fears our unfounded (they’re not), and stop thinking this new baby will fix everything or replace the one who is gone (it won’t).
Let us grieve for weeks, months, years, the rest of our lives. Remember that the death of a child is the death of the future we’d envisioned for ourselves. Remember that grief and depression are not the same, and all the prescriptions in the world will not erase our grief. Life-long grieving does not mean we can’t function, it doesn’t mean we’re stuck or unhealthy or unbalanced. It means when your child goes to kindergarten, we’re remembering our children who should be there and aren’t; when your child makes his first soccer goal, we’re thinking of little feet that never had the chance to run; when your child finishes high school, we’re wondering what our lost little one would have become; when your child marries, has babies, and flourishes, we think with a pang of one long gone who shouldn’t be gone.
Forgive us for ruining special moments because our emotions have overwhelmed us. Don’t criticize the twenty year old photo that is all we have left to remind us of a person who was, and is no more.
Encourage us when our faith in a truly Good God flags. Pray for us when we can’t communicate with you how we feel. Let us be angry, let us be discouraged, let us loose sight of hope. Let us be what we are, where we are, and trust that God can and will bring us to a better place, one of encouragement and hope, in His good time.
Erin
Oh Amanda, I am so sorry for your loss! When did you lose your baby? I am so, so sorry!
Erica
Well said.
Jennifer
Amanda, Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart. For the first time in a year and a half I feel understood. I feel I could have written what you wrote.. maybe not so eloquently, but with all of the emotion and understanding. Your words ring so true, every single one of them. I lost my first and only child a year and a half ago. My son, Landon, was born at just 24 weeks and 6 days after an excruciating month+ of bed rest at home and in the hospital due to my cervix failing and dilating early. Our faith was tested weekly, daily, hourly. We endured the ups and downs in the NICU for 2 weeks, praying, gaining hope as we watched him grow, when he suddenly took a turn for the worse, and never was able to recover. I want to write and write and write about all the things I have felt and the things that made the hurt worse, and that helped.. but I would just be repeating everything you have already said. Thank you for making me feel not as alone.
KaseyM
Your post is amazing. I feel like you expressed exactly what is in my heart, but I could never form into words.
Thank you.
Erin
Thank you for sharing.
Jessica
I have experienced a miscarriage a couple of years ago and it was very challenging and disappointing. God has helped me through that painful time in my life and has reassured me that I will have children which one I gave birth to almost a year ago and the second is expected October 2015. Could you give me the biblical scriptures that says the babies are in heaven ?
Lynne lee
Keaton
by Lynne Lee
You started out as a tiny miracle
Made from the deepest love I’ve ever known
Every minute you were with me
Growing and kicking inside your private home
At night I would wonder who you’d look like
And map out all of our plans
I would go over every single detail
From a baby boy to a great big man
Don’t eat this, don’t drink that
I watched everything I did
You were going to be perfect and healthy
Just the greatest little kid
Who could ask for anything more
My life was all complete
A loving husband, a warm home, and a baby
My heart could not miss a beat
Then things got so confusing
Things got way out of hand
They told me there was no heart beat
And I just could not understand
Seven months of love you gave me
The most precious days of your life
I will never ever forget you
Even though you are out of my sight
I do nothing but wander around
Searching for a clue
Trying to figure out what happened
And wondering what I should do
I ask the Heavens above to forgive me
Oh please Lord, what have I done
It’s so hard for me to face the day
Because you were still my son
I Love and Miss You,
Mommy
Daphne
Thank you for this post. We have two healthy boys and I had one miscarriage between them. I always said I wanted three and lately I’ve really want to try for another one but my husband isn’t on board. I’ve had a hard time with that. When I read the last of this post it hit me, I already have three. One is just in heaven. I never thought about it this way. I lost the baby at about five weeks and while it was horrible and I don’t wish it on anyway, I don’t think about it very muh because I went on to have our youngest. Thank you for making me look at this a different way!
Kristina Fisher
My son, Payton, was stillborn at 34 weeks gestation. I didn’t know it at the time but I have a genetic condition that causes blood clots. My blood clotted off his umbilical cord and he passed away. It’s exactly like Tannis, Julie and Amanda said for me. It’s absolutely the worst thing to hold your beautiful, lifeless baby in your arms. There really are no words. I’ll never forget his little face and seeing a tiny trickle of blood come from his nose. I’ll never forget his little hands and tiny feet. But it is a blessing to know what he looked like and to have been able to hold him. The next thing is having to actually buy a 33 inch casket. I had never even processed the fact that they made caskets so small before I, myself, had to buy one. But it really doesn’t end there because since you were about to cross the finish line, you had the room all ready and the baby shower stuff and your bag and the baby’s bag all packed. So instead of planning on bringing the baby home, you plan a funeral. You decide what to do with all the baby junk that will rip your heart out when you see it after you get home. I’ve never had a miscarriage. And although I do believe delivering a stillborn baby is a bit different from having a miscarriage I do think we are all united in grief and loss. Not only loss of the child but loss of the dreams of that child. Most of us, when we find out we are pregnant, start planning. We pick names, we plan the birth, we plan the room, we plan how it will be with an infant, toddler, starting kindergarten, losing the first tooth, field trips, ball games, reading stories at night, cheerleading, homecoming, high school, mother daughter dates, mother son dates, prom, graduation, college, weddings….We picture these things and then our baby dies and those dreams die too. It’s been 6 years since my Payton gained his wings. I still miss him. I had another son almost 1 year to the day after Payton died. I think all the time how neat it would be to watch “the boys” grow up together. I do feel they were both cheated at times. It’s gotten easier over time. I haven’t stopped missing him, I’ve just grown accustomed to the fact that I don’t have him here with me right now. I have a necklace that I had made MYFOREVERCHILD with his handprint on it that I never take off. I go visit his grave. I agree with the other moms. Let us talk about our baby when we feel we need to. Let us know on those hard days, like birthdays, that you are thinking of us. Tell us you did something to remember our child like release a balloon or put flowers on their grave. Above all, be patient with us. I don’t seek pity but sometimes I do mention Payton. It’s normal and natural to mention your child. He is my child. We will be together again one day. I know.
Hurting heart
We were on the verge of adopting two of our foster kids, ages 3 and 5 when the case worker decided to move them. We’ve been grieving their loss ever since, but nobody understands that they are OUR kids, and we miss them every day. It is so hard that so few people acknowledged tat we “should” grieve, or ask hateful things like “when are you going to have kids…or don’t you want them?”. Ladies at church avoided me, because nobody knew what to say or do. It’s almost five years later, and we still cry for our kids and pry for our reunification. Even now, with a beautiful biological baby, it is hard to answer the question “is she your first?”. I usually answer that she is our first BABY.
Rachael
I lost my first at 40 weeks, 2.5 years ago. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. People were kind and caring up until a certain point, then they made it clear I should “move on”. There is no “moving on” from that. I got pregnant again around my daughter’s “should be” first birthday. I was terrified. I’d try to explain to my friends and family my anxiety and that I was scared and worried, their response? “Why?” or “Just trust God” I understood the need to trust God, but it was said to me as if it were such an easy task. How could I trust God when I trusted Him the first time and He allowed my healthy, thriving baby girl to die on her due date? Few people showed the compassion and empathy I needed. I was so lonely that pregnancy and so scared. I talked with my OB about it at my visits because everyone else simply told me to “get over it” or “the anxiety isn’t good for the baby” and that was it. I felt my baby girl had been forgotten. People told me what to expect in the latter stages of pregnancy, and what labor/delivery is like. I’d just look at them like “You were at my baby shower! You came to her memorial service! How could you have forgotten that I’ve been through this before! Just because I don’t have a toddler running around me doesn’t mean she wasn’t born!”. But I remained silent. The awkwardness that comes with mentioning my first daughter wasn’t worth it at the time.
My second baby girl, the joy of my life, is almost 1 now. She was born into this world alive and I had people say “see, I told you everything would be OK” as if there was no justification for my fear and anxiety. I have felt that since it’s been 2.5 years since my loss and I have another baby–another girl no less–that I should be over it and she is seen as the “replacement” for her sister. My heart breaks because of pressure to have another baby and that baby is referred to as “#2” or my second baby. My living daughter is my second, the next will be my third and so on, but it doesn’t end.
Sorry to ramble, I don’t have many people to talk to. My thoughts on how to minister to moms who’ve had a loss are simple. Be there, listen, have compassion and empathy. Even if you can’t understand why she feels or thinks the way she does, understand that she simply does feel/think that way and assure her it’s ok. Just put yourself in her shoes. Go back to your pregnancy and imagine going in for your 40w appointment expecting to hear that you’re dilated further and “it’ll be any day”, but instead finding out the baby you’ve spend 9 months loving, feeling, planning for, waiting for, naming, dreaming about, is gone and 40 weeks of pregnancy, and a long labor and painful delivery were all for nothing but heartache and emptiness. Love, compassion and empathy are all that’s needed. Thank you for posting this.
Julie
Rachael, I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my fourth at 41 weeks, two days (I told a bit about what happened above.) and I’ve seen a bit of what you’re talking about. I have two friends who lost their first child, one at 7 months gestation and another 14 days after birth and I can see how it was absolutely devastating to them. I’m so sorry for the pain you and they endured.
I have also had friends try to tell me to put it in God’s hands and to stop stressing because it’s bad for the baby. Even more so with my second baby after my son’s stillbirth. I also saw one of my friends get told “the first baby always takes a long time” while she was in labor with her *second* child. It was upsetting to *me* I can’t imagine how that made my friend feel! I had not one but two umbilical cord prolapses. Normally it’s a 1 in 10,000 chance of happening but apparently there’s something wrong with me and it happened twice. We lost my son to it and came close to losing his little sister to it as well. For people to tell me not to worry about the safety of my next baby was, to me, insane.
I also trusted God to take care of my son who was stillborn. I didn’t doubt Him for one instant. Even while they were working on my son, trying to get him to breathe after he was born I wasn’t worried. I was sure, beyond a shadow of a doubt that God would work everything together for my good. Even after it was all over and I was handed my son’s lifeless body to hold, I was sure God would bring him back. I was wrong.
I’m so sorry that you had friends who would say things like that to you. It’s so sad that people just want us to be okay so that they don’t have to deal with our pain or not knowing what to say to make us feel better so they expect us to just suck it up and be happy so they can feel better. So they don’t have to worry that something like this might happen to them some day. It’s a sad fact but as bereaved moms, we really are alone. (((hugs))) to you. I pray for peace and comfort for you.
Cindy
I got to raise two babies to adulthood, and I have four babies in heaven. Our son was our first. that pregnancy through birth was great with no complications at all. Two years later I had my first miscarriage, then the next year I had a little girl, Rachel, who was stillborn. We knew she was very sick, and might not make it from when I was six months pregnant. She had Trisomy 18; an extra 18 chromosome. Two years later I had another miscarriage. At this point most of the people we knew were kind and supportive. There were a few who also “said the wrong things,” but I knew they were trying to help. When our son was six, we had our daughter, after losing her twin at five or six weeks pregnancy. After we had Rachel I had changed doctors. He ran some blood work and found that my progesterone was much too low, and that was probably why I had had miscarriages. He treated that, but I got pregnant a month before he advised. We think that even though the progesterone was high enough to hold a pregnancy, it wasn’t high enough to hold a twin pregnancy. We’ll never know for sure. I do know that we will have a big reunion with those four children in Heaven.
Things people have said that help me were acknowledging my pain, and that they couldn’t imagine the pain we were experiencing, and they prayed for us. People who had experienced miscarriage or stillbirth also acknowledged our pain and shared about their experience and what it was like for them and shared some things that helped them through. Mostly, reading my Bible, praying, and keeping a journal.
My husband and I have been able to help others who have gone through miscarriage or stillbirth. That always helps to be able to give back.
Dani
I lost my first baby to miscarriage a year ago today, and although we have been trying to conceive since then, it just hasn’t happened. I’ve been healing, and feel about back to normal, though my life will always be changed by my little baby. I appreciated this article a lot, and wish more people recognized miscarried and stillborn babies as actual babies, who are loved by their parents just as much as children born alive.
I hate how taboo the subject of miscarriage is. I’m usually a very private person, but for some reason I wanted to talk about my baby, and of course cry, with my loved ones. I felt like my friends, and even my family got very uncomfortable when I mentioned it, and none of them, except my younger bother and sister of all people, would ever bring it up. It would be nice to have them recognize that my baby is still my child, even if I didn’t even know the gender, or ever get to hold it. I had to use sick days at work after my miscarriage, while a co-workers second-cousin-in-law passed away at the same time and he got bereavement leave. I lost a child, and I wasn’t supposed to grieve for that, because it wasn’t born alive? It hurt so badly when a few months after my miscarriage my older brother and his wife got pregnant with their first and I felt like a horrible person for being so angry with them. When my nephew was born, my mom posted a bajillion pictures on facebook of her “first grandbaby!” like mine didn’t count. It counted to me and my husband.
On the flip side, not everyone was like that. In fact, I was surprised by how many people I knew came out of the woodwork and talked to me about their miscarriages, when I didn’t even know they ever had one. Some people were so awesome, just by sympathizing and asking how I was doing and letting me cry without getting freaked out. That’s all I needed.
Beverly
All my babies are in heaven….all. Only one was a full term pregnancy at age 43, and we were sent to the local hotel to labor in a “hot tub.” I was not able to push him out on my own and the OB finally went in after 24 more hours of hospital labor (I had been in labor for several days) had to pull him out. We did have a burial at BabyLand as the sites were free and we did not have much money. We did not sue as we wanted God to take His vengeance, since that is His job. This OB is now performing abortions – thank goodness she is no longer losing any more full term babies. Of course, she was not much help when it came to figuring out why we lost him – doctor stupidity. But, my story goes way, way back to when I was in the womb. My Vanderbilt educated RN mother did not pay attention to what her OB gave her for a high-risk “hypothyroid” pregnancy in 1956, even though my mother was well aware that my older sister had been exposed to DES (Silent Thalidomide) several years earlier in the womb. When the info about DES hit the media in the 1970s, my mother would have had about 7 more years to request my prenatal records so we could determine what I had been exposed to in utero. She did not do this, as a parent, or as a nurse. I have many, many of the other symptoms of DES exposure, as well as all the infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth issues, but none of the confirmation that I was exposed. That, and the undiagnosed/untreated congenital hypothyroidism (until just recently) that has caused so much havoc in my life. Both hypothyroidism and DES exposure are now both well known to contribute to infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, but was not really that well known much before the internet took off for me, just after we lost our last baby in 1999. The fact that my older sister knew the reason for so many of her health issues, and I have not has egged at me. But now I am in the process of letting it all go, forgiving (thank you Jesus). God knows what my mother took. He knows what my undiagnosed/untreated medical/health issues have been, that I am finally putting the pieces of the puzzle together in my 50th decade, well past the age of child bearing. The medical profession has failed me/us abysmally, abysmally. The medical profession has been a Red Herring for life, thriving, wellness and wholeness for me and mine. Dana Trentini has a site called Hypothyroid Mom. She and other women with thyroid conditions are getting the word out how much this disease can affect fertility. They are going upstream because the average medical professional is so unreceptive and so resistant to change and education outside-the-box. I hope others here can find answers to their losses.
Danike P.
Erin, I cannot tell you how much this post meant to me. My husband and I have only been married for almost a year and a half and we are in our early twenties. But we started trying to conceive this past May and got pregnant right away! We were so excited. When I was just barely six weeks, I started bleeding a ton… but we were on our way to celebrate our anniversary so foolishly, we did not go to the hospital. A few days later, at my first prenatal, they ran tests because we were sure we had miscarried. We were shocked and jubilant to see our precious baby’s STRONG and PERFECT heartbeat on the ultrasound monitor. =] But they saw that it was an ectopic pregnancy and tried to convince us to have an abortion. My husband and I are firm believers in the Lord and His power… so we prayed and others with us. And God MOVED our baby into my womb! We were so happy that God cared enough about our baby to answer our cries like that… so we were confused when at 11 weeks 5 days, I miscarried. Most of our friends are pregnant or have just had children since our loss… and it was hard. Most of them avoided us. And all of the older generation told us “Oh, you’re young; you’ll get pregnant again.” What made it even more difficult is our niece was born not even a week before our child was born into heaven… into a family that is not married or living for the Lord.
I think the most comforting thing that happened was when the following day, our pastor came and sat with us in our living room and cried with us. He said, “You should name your child because he or she will always be part of your family.” Just having someone recognize that we lost a person, not just an idea. My husband and I are so proud to be parents of baby Peter who is up there praising Jesus the way only someone in heaven can. =]
Janet
My little brother died at 4 days old when I was just 2, and my mom miscarried at 8 weeks the next year. The unresolved grief took a toll on our family. Only a few years ago did we start talking openly about it and begin to heal. I joined a support group and am now, as a nurse, able to help other people going through this tragedy. This month we will celebrate my brothers 35th birthday by doing random acts of kindness in his honor. The pain never goes away, but it does get easier. Here is a link to a great list of what you should and should not say to someone who has lost a baby. http://www.naturalfertilityandwellness.com/what-you-should-and-shouldnt-say-to-someone-who-has-lost-a-baby/
Julie S
It took us 9 years to get pregnant with our first. God blessed us with 5 children through adoption before that, but the two pink lines after so many years was just unbelievable. I felt like I could not breathe through those first few weeks, it was right before Christmas so I could not get into my OB until January. I just knew that it was all going to be a big mess and that there was no way I was going to get this desire of my heart. It was a hard, anxiety ridden time, especially when I started spotting right after Christmas. Imagine my surprise when we went for our ultrasound and found out I was almost 17w and we were going to be the parents of a baby girl! The time flew by and she was born so healthy and beautiful. Right after she turned a year old we found out we were pregnant again! God was going to bless us twice in 2 years! I was walking on sunshine! I could not believe it. I scheduled my appointment estimating I would be around 10w when the appointment arrived then thought nothing else of it beyond just being happy! The day before my appointment, in the early hours of September 11, 2011 I woke up in the worst pain. My mom took my 6 older kids and my husband rushed me to the hospital. It was ectopic and my tube was starting to burst. The baby I was supposed to welcome at Easter 2012 was not going to be. I was rushed into surgery and ended up spending the night at the hospital because of complications. When we drove away from the hospital the next day I bawled. I felt like I was leaving a piece of myself behind. I was still nursing my 1 year old but could not nurse her for the whole week because of the pain meds I had to take. When the week was up she wanted to nurse so I thought I would try. Imagine the comfort and joy I had when there were no problems. That little thing right there brought me more comfort than anything. I did not want to talk about the loss, only to my husband. When a dear friend showed up at the hospital after my surgery my first words to her were, I can’t talk about it, so we did not. In February I got pregnant again. I was cautiously optimistic, but a week later it was over. In March I took a test on a Friday and there was a faint line. On Sunday it was over. Easter came and went and I sobbed. September 11 came and went and I wanted nothing more than to be pregnant again. I’d so hoped I would be by the time the anniversary of my baby’s death arrived. On October 11 I found out I was pregnant again. In May of 2013 our son was born! He is a big blessing.
The one big thing that my losses took from me was the joy of a positive pregnancy test. When I see those two lines while I am happy I’m also steeling myself for the worst. I don’t trust the lines. I remember crying through my first u/s with my son because I just knew something was going to be wrong. They quickly showed me the H/B and how he was in the right spot.
I still grieve my ectopic baby. I grieve all three of them, but that one the most I think because he was real for a little bit longer and losing him was traumatic. The other losses were simple and able to be taken care of at home with a heating pad and pain reliever. With my ectopic I lost the whole tube and I was much farther along. It took me awhile to be able to talk about it, but I can now and I’m so thankful that I have friends who will let me talk about it. Even with my other losses I have friends who will just smile and nod when I mention those babies. It’s ok. It’s enough. They are listening.
Michelle H
I also suffered a miscarriage – she (?) was 7 1/2 weeks along, judging from her appearance. I wasn’t traumatized by her loss, although I was hurt deeply. My then best friend (now he’s my boyfriend) was traumatized. For me, talking is coping. And the most frustrating part about losing her so early is that I have very limited words to use. There’s no best friend I made plans with, no friends close enough that we hoped our children would have the same bond, no heartbeat, no kicking…just…nothing. It was January 5th, of this year, when I lost her – when I birthed her. Her name is Night Raven Wreath. *sighs* For the most part, I am fine – my experience in giving birth to Night was an empowering one…a birth affirmation in and of itself…and that fact has combated the grief that would have been overwhelming. Sometimes, though, I get to thinking or reading or talking with a FB mom, and cover this ground again. I get sad, want to cry, and feel the overwhelming urge to shout from the rooftops “I HAVE THREE CHILDREN!!!” Not just two.
Katie
My husband and I got pregnant with our first child, got home from a baby appointment, feeling fine, 6 hours later we where at the ER. We couldn’t believe how quickly it had all happened. Eating dinner feeling light cramps, than within hours very heavy bleeding and talking to my OB led us to the hospital. When my OB got there she said that the baby was already starting to come down the canal. I tried to be strong and not break down to much in the ER, but once i saw his little hands I couldn’t hold it in any longer. The physical toll was nothing compared to the emotional one that my husband and I went through the following weeks. But I thank God that we have such an amazing support system through our family and friends. Thank you for writing this letter, it has been 4 weeks since our loss, but it is still a very fresh wound, this letter has helped sooth it.
Jill
It is a terribly difficult thing. We lost a baby (who was to be our 3rd) in August of last year. We have since had a healthy baby girl. The truth is that nothing helps except to remember for some reason, that baby is healthier, happier and whole in the arms of Jesus. It didn’t heal our aching arms or our yearning hearts, but it set our minds at ease knowing that he or she was safe and whole…enjoying a quality of life that life hear couldn’t provide.
Erin
I am so, so sorry for you loss. (And congrats on baby #4…what a extra special blessing indeed.)
Wes
Fathers feel the pain of miscarriage too. I didn’t think that a miscarriage would bother me until it happened to my wife and me.
Erin
I am so sorry for your loss, Wes! I just said a prayer for you and your wife.
Wes
Thank you. There is good news ‘though… the miscarriage happened nearly 3 years ago and, with the help of a little progesterone, my wife became pregnant again the following month. We now have a two year old daughter in addition to our five year old daughter. Still, I can’t help but wonder about the child that she miscarried, which is how I found your blog post.
Erin
Praise God for your daughters! I know this season must still be hard. I pray God will give you all peace that passes understanding.
Wes
It’s been 2 years since I commented on your blog post and my wife and I now have 3 children; 2 girls and 1 boy. Last week I dreamed of my children. There were 4 children in my dream; 2 girls and 2 boys. I called 3 of the children by name but when I tried to say the name of the second boy no words came out of my mouth. I hope to see him again.
Lindsey
I lost our first baby today. Have spent most of the day crying and holding each other. Being so excited for our first baby only to wake up to lose it is so hard. We were going to announce to our family that we were pregnant on Christmas as a “gift”, now I’m wondering how I’m going to handle Christmas day.
Sorry to all the other mommies who have babies in heaven now too.
Erin
Oh Lindsey…I am so, so sorry for your loss!!! I will be praying for you tonight.
Elle
I have 4 precious children, 3 here with me and one with wings. I gave birth to our Sweet Baby Elijah on November 21, 2013. I was only 22 weeks and he had stopped growing. It’s been a rough time especially for our two oldest children (7 and 8) as they have a 15 month old sister and they knew exactly what should happen. Mommy should go to the hospital and a couple days later bring home a baby. The best way for myself and even my husband is to not ignore the situation. We share our feelings daily with each other. When someone asks how I am I answer honestly. There are good moments and very tough moments but God knows what he’s doing and we will never get over it but we will certainly get through it and even be stronger.
Elle
Lately, I’ve hard more tough moments as sweet Elijah’s due date is just around the corner. Everyone else has gotten back to “normal”! My normal is very different if it can even be considered normal!
Jayssika
2 weeks before Christmas 2013 my husband and I lost our 4th child I was due Mothers Day 2014. -May 11th according to my LMP. Honestly I feel like I am being avoided by many people and they may have their reasons but more than anything I truly want a friend, someone that will listen…..be here for me….pray with me. Because I literally feel like my hearts been ripped out again on top of the reminder of my other 3 babies on top of this recent 4th. I dont have any guinue friends that have been there for me…other than to call and complain about their life issues or needing something from me….right now I just need prayers and love and a friend more than anything, so maybe I dont have all the answers of what moms going through this need, because I am going through this myself….but I guess what I wish I had right now was a true friend…someone to listen and pray with me…encourage me..not tell me there was a reason or something might of been wrong with the baby or that I am not “healthy” enough…Just something that really cares. I am so glad that in my lack of that department I can rely of God….hes my rock and my friend. I am grateful for that.
Erin
I am so, so sorry you’re going through this, Jayssika! I pray the Lord sends you that friend to help you in this time of need!!! I am praying for you tonight!
Stephanie
I needed this today. It’s been 3 months and 3 days since we lost our first. Many people didn’t know, and receiving the smug “just wait until you have a baby” comments when I was tired is just more pain than I can take. I have prayed for a baby for almost 2 years now. I would give anything to be tired BECAUSE of a baby and not the depression and sadness of our loss.
Tip to moms out there… never tell someone “just wait”. I can honestly say those have been the most painful comments I’ve received.
Stephanie
Ironically, this post is dated October 4, 2013… the day we found out we had miscarried.
Erin
Oh Stephanie! I am so,so sorry you have gone through this! I pray the Lord will bring you much comfort tonight–and I appreciate your advice to others to not say such hurtful things!
ashley
Thanks for posting this! I have felt very alone since I lost my 5 the child in May. I feel like no one recognized how this was a person, a beating heart a week before. Comments that have really hit me as hurtful are things like “something was probably wrong with it”, “at least you weren’t further along”, “you already have four children”, “it happened in May, you need to move on”, “you can always try again”, etc. I think these are hurtful comments to me because it makes me feel as though no one validates my baby as an actual person, rather more of an idea or plan I made. That HURTS! I don’t like feeling silly talking about my baby. It makes me feel alone. I know I have four healthy babies that I am extremely grateful for. This fact does not erase the fact that someone is always missing. Thatay be the most well intended statement I hear that just cuts my heart like a knife. “You already have children”. So, if you have two brothers and one dies, is it alright for me to say, “at least you still have your other brother”?!
A month after I lost my baby, my cousin announces she’s pregnant at 4wks and later I found out she wants to name the baby the boy name she k we I had picked out. So I feel like my family thinks I need to just get over it. I really feel no compassion and very lonely. I pray all the time for strength, peace, and trust in God, but honestly I still feel extremely grief stricken and broken. I think the best thing to me would be for people to validate a precious important life was lost. That would be the most comforting feeling to me.
Martina
Hi, I know this is really, really late but maybe your cousin wanted to honor your baby by using the name to carry it on. Our second son was named after his still born uncle and my mother-in-law and most of the rest of the family was thrilled that someone carried the name on. My mother-in-law said it was so special to get to hold and change and love a little Linford Gene since she didn’t get to with hers. I have lost 4 babies and it isn’t easy. Healing is an everyday process one which will not be complete until the circle is unbroken at Jesus feet.
Martina
We also named our 4th son Aaron José (Spanish for Joseph) after my 2 brothers (Aaron James and Joseph Enoch) who my Mom lost early on. It has been special and healing to my husband and I who grew up missing and loving our siblings gone to heaven. We recognize and honor those lives just as people who name them after their parents or grandparents.
delilah
I would never wish this pain on anyone! I’ve had a miscarriage back in 2012 and feels like yesterday. I get through my days and try to distract myself but not a day goes by that I’m thinking about my little angle. Till this day I still haven’t had a baby. I’m patently waiting and praying! For anyone who has had this experience I am truly sorry and pray for all of your hurt and sadness. Soon I hope to be a mother here on earth.
Amy
Just say, “I’m sorry,” and love on that momma! There are no words that will make a woman whose hopes and dreams that have just been shattered feel better. Even if you have experienced a loss yourself everyone’s feelings are personal, and to say that you know what someone is going through minimizes their feelings and their process of grieving.
Naomi
I have lost a total of eight babies. Six with my first husband and two with my second. In my heart I know I’m a Mother. Mother’s Day is the hardest day for me because, even though my children are in heaven, I get dirty looks at church if I participate in prayers for Mom’s in the congregation.
What I’d like to see is more compassion. More women and men treating those couples like us that have lost children like parents not someone to stay away from. All my years since 1997 I’ve wanted to include my beloved children in my parents obits but my Mother denied them to be there on her obit and on my Father’s obit. How sad is the treatment I got from all my family as if I had the plague. I didn’t get invited to wedding or baby showers; I wasn’t approached to be a babysitter even though I was the only one who could do it at the time and the list goes on.
Education should start early with our children that just because a woman has no babies that were not born into Heaven does not mean we are not Mothers.
Dawnee
I’ve had two miscarriages. I had a healthy daughter, so when I got pregnant again 5 years later I didn’t have any reason to think anything would go wrong. With the first miscarriage I started spotting at 9 weeks. An ultrasound detected the heartbeat and I was told I would probably stop spotting. But a week later, I was told there was no heartbeat.
This was a military hospital, and my husband was not with me when I got the news.
A couple of days later I had a D&C, and to add to the traumatic experience I woke up right in the middle of it. They had me sign a death certificate for “Baby *last name* A”
Three months later I was overjoyed to discover I was pregnant again.
No bleeding and no sign that anything was amiss.
I went to a prenatal appointment, alone, and was happy to find out I would get an ultrasound.
The doctor coldly said “no heartbeat” and turned and walked out of the room.
I was in shock and in such distress…I remember being very grateful that the nurse stayed with me and hugged me tight after the doctor just walked out on me.
It was so hard to tell my husband, daughter and family that another baby was gone.
Another death certificate “Baby *last name* B”
I love and miss my babies. And even though I went on to have two more children, I am sometimes angry that my husband doesn’t talk about them. Nobody does.
Dawnee
And to be honest, I torture myself with the thought that maybe I was lied to. Or maybe the doctor was wrong…
Angela
Thank you for this post. I just lost my second baby this week at 16 weeks. I was blessed with two children and then experienced my first miscarriage at 9 weeks. I went on to get pregnant 6 months later and had a healthy baby girl. We were trying again for our 4th and discovered this past monday that there was no heartbeat. I have been upset at the comments that “they’ve been there, they lost a baby at 5 weeks or 6 weeks etc,”. The pain and sadness of losing a baby at 9 weeks isnt even close to the pain of losing a 2nd trimester baby. The comments of “well, at least you have 3 beautiful kids” has been the most hurtful. I still have 3 babies, but I want my 4th baby back.
gussie
I think that one thing that people do not understand is the fear that stays with you. Comments like “you can try again” and other similar ones are meant to be encouraging. ..I know that. Here’s the thing… yes, we kept trying and yes we got pregnant again. But after two consecutive miscarriages when I got pregnant again I was not a ball of sunshine and excitement. I was prepared for another loss. I couldn’t get excited because I was afraid. Every little pain, every spotting incident was terrifying. Nausea over came me Every time I went to the bathroom, “will there be blood?” BTW every thing was perfect and she is now getting ready to turn 4. Now, people casually joke about when I am going to have number 3 and the thought of losing another baby is all I think of… that and the fact that it would be number 5 not 3.
Laura
I wonder how many “secret” miscarriages there are. I have had one. I was engaged to the man who is now my husband. We had sex before marriage and one of the days was when I knew I could (and later did) get pregnant. I lost the child after 3 weeks. I grew up in a very conservative home where pre-marital sex was forbidden and close to being the ultimate sin. So I although I grieved, I knew I couldn’t tell anyone. So I suffered alone for weeks. My husband was great and, with the exception of my best friend, I never revealed I had a miscarriage.
I am convinced there are so many women like me out there. They loose a child early on in the pregnancy and rather than reveal it, they tuck away the pain and sorrow.
All I can say to them, is accept the death and grieve in whatever way suits you.
I don’t know if my child was to be a boy or girl. I don’t know what they would look like. I don’t know what their personality would be. All I know is that God choose to take him/her home to Heaven. I won’t try to ask God “why?” because I’m convinced He does things we will never fully understand until we get to Heaven.
Thank you for this post. Loosing a child is difficult at 3 weeks is hard enough. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to loose one who was full-term such as a neighbor of mine. Either way, we mothers need support and encouragement. And I thank you for giving us that.
Hannah
My husband and I were pregnant for our first child and he was a little boy. I always dreamed of becoming a mother, even as a child…I knew it was what I meant to do. We are children’s pastors and we with our “kids” at kids camp and only had six weeks left til we got to meet our little Luke. Nursery was ready and everything. Well the second morning of camp at about 2AM, for whatever reason his placenta ruptured. I was rushed to the hospital and was lucky that I survived with the amount of blood I lost. Our little boy was “born” into this world never touched by the sin of it. Sadly, we missed the week of camp with our kids and we were three hours away from home in the hospital, so not many family members were able to be with us but I don’t look at it as a bad thing. Two days later we visited the kids at the campground on the way home and every one of the 400+ people at the camp signed a huge homemade card my husband and I. I was so moved. We buried Luke a week after he went to be with The Lord and honestly had the best service I’ve ever seen. We celebrated his passing instead of mourning bc we knew exactly where he was and what he was doing. It’s hard at times when you have those moments when you look at the babies around your church that were only weeks apart from your own. Actually, my sister and I were pregnant together. She was on her eighth pregnancy but only third born child. She has a bouncy baby now named Chayse who is six weeks behind Luke. It’s such a blessing that we have him bc when I look at Chayse, I can see my little Luke. We are starting to try again but even though we may never have a child born to earth, I know my little boy waiting on me along with His Son and I have more than a hundred “kids ” that will always be mine that I get to see grow up in our church. Even to this day six months later people tell us of how we inspired them. And i sit there wondering what did we do that was so special but then God reminds me that He uses us for things we never have to understand.
The best way to speak to someone with this loss is acknowledge that they are a mother. Even if they’ve never held there baby or got to hold their child lifeless in their arms, that woman became a mother the moment she heard the news 😉
And as far as being a woman coping with this loss, just remember that we aren’t supposed to understand everything The Lord does. That is what kept me going. Honestly, without God I probably would have lost my sanity. I can’t sit and dwell on the “what if” and “if only” bc my Luke was meant to be born into heaven. And the first part of dealing with it is to accept that.
P.s.
My husband and I battled for months decided on Lukes name. Once everything happened it was actually the perfect one. Because of his death, Luke touched lives of people that never even saw him. He helped bring peace and closure and salvation to people that needed them. His name meant bringer of light. It’s perfect for him bc that’s exactly what he was.
Nicole
I lost two babies to miscarriages back to back (January and September 2006). To this day, I don’t know why. No one ever told me. All these years later, the “why” & “what if” is still there.
What frustrates me to no end are the ones who say we aren’t mothers. The hell I’m not. I also can’t stand when friends announce pregnancies, send baby shower announcements, or invite me to their child’s overly elaborate birthday. Why? Because I can’t do the same thing. And it kills me…even eight years later.
Dyani
Thank you for your words – they mean a lot to me.
We have been trying for a child for over 16 years and have suffered three miscarriages – 1 @ just over 12 weeks and 2 @ over 7 weeks. We have been on the adoption register for over 5 years and now trying for long term foster care. We have also gone through 2 failed surrogacies.
I am scared I am not going to ever hold my own baby.
Even though I have a wonderful and supportive husband, I feel very alone in this.
All our friends have had children and we have had all the remarks that you would all have heard too. I wish that I had someone else to talk with about how I am feeling, hurting and scared, but there really isn’t anyone of my friends that really understands. It especially hurts when we have family asking us if we are now “done” with all this and going to finally give up. How do you give up on something that you truly believe you are meant to experience?
Thank you for validating my babies and thank you all for sharing your memories – I realise there are so many more people out there that are going through similar experiences.
I am here – and l am happy to be here for anyone that needs a listener and I thank you for listening to me.
Xx
Janetta Dobler
I am going to keep my response short. I lost my last 4 pregnancies. Two were miscarried, one was an ectopic, and one was lost in my sixth month, just one week after my mom passed away. Her heart stopped and I had to have emergency surgery on the day before thanksgiving. I did not receive any comfort, support, or condolences for my loss, not even any acknowledgment for my pain. No matter how difficult it is to know what to say or do, I think it is important to show your love and support for the women who experience this kind of a loss. It took me a long time to heal and to learn that this did not mean that I was a failure. Show her you love her, even if it’s just a shoulder to cry on. Blessings to you all.
Jennifer
Thank you, Erin, for this post. The hardest things for me to deal with have been faith related issues, Facebook, and what people say, or don’t say on Mother’s day. Followed by friends and family telling me to be strong (I can’t always be strong), and that we will have more children (no additional child will ever replace the one I lost, IF I am even able to carry another baby full term).
Facebook really means “brag book” to some people. And while it is good to let others know what is going on with you, and that you are doing well, it can be incredibly painful if the first thing you see every time you check is the same 1 or 2 people posting the 500th picture of their #perfectbabyboy, #perfectpregnancy, #soblessedwiththisbaby, etc., etc. You feel an obligation to rejoice in other people’s happiness, and you don’t want to appear as #toodamagedtofunctionorevenbreathe if you ignore, hide, or defriend someone. While everyone should be glad in their blessings, and share their happiness, some moderation would be in good taste, and would show compassion. Other people out there have fallen where you have soared. They are viewing your posts and are sizing up their lives, families, shortfalls, successes.. etc. It is the curse of the human spirit, especially a spirit that has been damaged or broken by significant loss. It makes it so hard to heal when all you can see are images of the way things could have been for you.
Last Mother’s day was the first Mother’s day I experienced after I lost my son. The year before I had been just a couple months pregnant with a healthy growing baby boy.. a boy who was born, whose bedside I was at night and day in the NICU, who I held, and fed, and changed his tiny diaper. The Mother’s day after he passed came around and I was greeted with silence.. because people didn’t want to bring it up.. they didn’t want to upset me, or remind me. I understand the sentiment, but nothing could have upset me more. Did I imagine it all?? Was I ever pregnant? Did I or did I not lie flat on my back for 4 weeks, terrified to cough, move, laugh, so as to do EVERYTHING I possibly could to protect my son from the fate that awaited him… out of my LOVE for him.. a mother’s love for a child? To have the vast majority of the people in my life say nothing to me on Mother’s day made an already unbearable day nearly unsurvivable. I had 2 or 3 people reach out to me and say, “I’m thinking about you.” “You are a mom. You’re on my mind.” I survived because of those people. Hear me on this – You bringing up a mother’s child in Heaven will never remind her of the pain… it will never cause her additional pain. She never forgot it in the first place. It is always there. You bringing it up will, however, remind her that other people remember… and that other people care. It will remind her that her baby was not a fleeting figment of her imagination, but was a real baby, whose life and death had an effect on more than just her.
Maribel Jimenez
Dear Jennifer:
You r amazing and everything that u said about facebook is true. People need to get over themselves. My son and my daughter in law just lost their first 2 days ago.stillborn.people keep saying dumb things. I will pray for you.please pray for them . god bless
M.Apaza
Russ Gordon
Thank you for this sensitive and insightful post. It means so much to us when someone “gets” it and is honest enough to say the things that need to be said. We have been educating people for years about how to respond to a woman’s pain over the loss of a baby and we will continue to do so. Blessings!
Russ Gordon
Thank you for your sensitive and honest thoughts. We have been educating people for years about the way to respond to a woman’s loss of an infant and how to also include the Father and siblings in the process. There can never be enough conversation about this. Blessings.
Erin
Thank you for your input. I can only imagine…and I pray the Lord continue to build empathetic hearts in us all.
suzann
losing is very hard. We have 4 baby here and 3 in heaven. If it was not my mother keep tell me that God has them and one day. I would get to see them. I would had died. I did feel like dying but I just keep on holding on to my fath. It did not happen overnight. It take mouths of talking to anyone who would lesson. I say if you want to help someone who going through this just be there and keep tell them they did nothing to do this and love them and let them talk to you even if they sound like like they said what they saying over and over all ready. This part of healing. and crying is part all so. I lost a baby at 9 weeks the first time. right after I had are first baby. Then after I had two more baby’s I lost one at 19 weeks. and I had to have it like I was having a live birth. This almost killed me. but I had a older daughter who let me talk to her and she was my rock. Thank God she was there. She will never know how much I love her for that. My husband loves me and was there but he did not know how to take care of me. he was going through his pain all so but at the time I did not see that. but let me tell you talk to her and let her lean on you and at the same time she will let you lean on her. this best thing to help her and you get through this. I did not give up. I keep my faith and move on and we were with child 12 weeks later. At 9 weeks we found out that we were going to have two babies. everything was going great. Tell one morning I started to hurt and I called Eddie and he take me to the ER and they said I lost the babies. One hour later I was in the bathroom and asking God he take are babies. and that is when I went back to my bed and then a RN came in and he was so very nice. He said sweet heart your numbers are to high. We need to do a U/sound ok. I and I said ok then they taking me in to the room where I found last time we had a dead baby. That is when the lady who was doing the U/sound said oh honey. let’s take a look ok. all I now was I did not want to see a dead baby. She was so happy when she said oh honey your baby is there and is very much alive. God take one and gave me one. and would like to say my baby Carley is going to be 6 on March 7th. She is loving school. God is good and when I looked at her I will never forget holding her up to God and thanking him for keeping his word and that I was so sorry to thank he would not. Carley is my world and I thank
God every day for her. She is the middle of all of our worlds. That is when I know that Eddie was hurting for are lost to in the past and he was not a cold heart man. I will never forget him taking his little Carley in his hands tell her how much he loved her and he was her daddy and if you want anything my dear i will get for you honey. and you know what he has keep his world to. you could say she is spoiled and she may smell her from miles away. but she is loved and she gives as much love to us as we give her. Thank you Dear lord for keeping your world.
Erin
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Suzann. I pray you are encouraged today with peace from the Lord.
Liz
I just lost my son two weeks ago. My water broke at 22.3 so I moved into the hospital and hoped that I would make it to the important markers (22.5, 24, 29, 34). The day I hit 24 weeks I was rushed into surgery for an emergency c-section. My precious boy only lived 4 hours.
Being a young mom, 24, who has lost her child has created a lot of awkwardness between friends simply because they have never faced the situation before. What I have found most comforting is friends that treat me normal. My one friend has talked about me coming to KY to fish and that was one of the most important conversations I’ve had with anyone so far. Another friend sends me a text every day or so asking how I’m doing or how I’m holding up and I know he doesn’t just want a report on how I’m recovering from surgery.
It’s the acknowledgement that I lost my son from peope I care about and their ability to understand that I need to feel like my life can get to back to some form of “normal” that is most important to me these days.
Erin
I am so sorry for your loss, Liz. I pray you find comfort in the coming weeks, and thank you for sharing your tips for others.
Chelsea
I appreciate this post. I am a mommy. To three children, two in heaven. I call my children my holiday babies. My beautiful son was born on Halloween, my first loss was on Mothers Day at 11 weeks then my second on Labor Day at about 6 weeks. It’s significant to me. Maybe God allowed it that way so I can remember and grieve and celebrate. I do wish people in my life would have acknowledged them as individuals and not a situation. And not say things like, “Maybe it’s better since you and your husband are having problems. ” Because children are blessings, not a fix to a problem. I just, I appreciate this letter. The acknowledgement.
Mary Rodgers
As a mom who has lost 3 babies (one at 4weeks, 1 at 20 weeks , and 1 at 21weeks and then was told I would never have a baby) I have heard all manner of comments. For the most part when someone goes through these losses there is nothing that can truly comfort them. In my case anyone who was a mother and had not had a loss was for sure an enemy. I believe the most hurtful thing anyone said to me was at church as her two beautiful children where running around playing a lady told me I know exactly how you feel I lost one. At that very moment I was so angry and there was NO way she knew how I felt even if she lost one, because she could and did have children and I would never. I have since learn better how to deal with my grief and know that she really did mean well at the time. It taught me, however that no two losses are the same and even if I am talking with someone who had a loss at 1,20, or 21 weeks they have their story and feelings and I have mine. No two people have the same situation so the best thing I can do is say I too had a loss and do understand some of the pain you might be going through. I think I would agree with what others have said just be there and know that that pain does not just go away in a couple weeks. So often someone has a death or losses a baby and people are all around right after it happens, but soon everyone goes back to their normal life and the grieving person feels alone or like they have to be ok because everyone else is. I know so many women who have had losses and so many times they feel like something is wrong with them because they can’t “just get over it”. There is no timeline and everyone processes things differently. Be there for them and just be a friend. Don’t treat the baby as if it were a pink elephant in the middle of the room that know one can talk about. Talk about it, acknowledge their baby, don’t be weird if they talk about it. DON”T just tell them it will be ok and that they need to move on. I am very passionate about this subject and could go on and on, but the bottom line is anyone who has a loss does not get over it they just learn a new normal and it maybe that they need hugs and encouragement even years later.Hugs to all of you who have shared your losses, you are beautiful mother and never forget that.
Donna
My youngest niece lost her son Keaton 7 years when she was at 8 months due HEELP syndrome. She started Keaton’s Candle as a way to deal with her grief.. Every year on August she has a candle lighting and prayer vigil for babies lost and for expectant mothers. She has prayer requests now from all over the world. Others have also held vigils on the same night in the cities and counties they live in. You can post a request in The Facebook page for Keaton’s . Candle. Alicia now has a beautiful 3yr old daughter who is the apple of her mommy’s eye.
Elizabeth
I miscarried my only child at 11 weeks on April 27, 2013. It was around this time last year that our little blessing first began, even though we didn’t know she was there for two more weeks. When I miscarried her, my friends emailed and called me to see how I was doing for about 3 months afterwards. Now, I get a rare email asking me how I am or saying they’re praying for me. I get more support from FB miscarriage groups than my own friends. I have no idea why God took our daughter or why He hasn’t blessed us with another one. One thing I do know, though, is that I am a mommy to a Heavenly blessing and the Lord can’t come soon enough!
Kristi
I have four babies in heaven – all first trimester losses. I think the important thing for friends to remember is that they should acknowledge the loss. Those who blessed me most did things for me that would be done for a mom who loses an older child – brought meals, flowers, called or messaged to ask how I was. Those who caused me more hurt (unintentionally and unknowingly, of course) did NOTHING. They said NOTHING. I know they were afraid that by bringing it up they would cause me more pain, but that simply wasn’t true. I needed to know that they were there for me – and by saying nothing, I didn’t feel that they were. Thanks for this sweet article!
Elizabeth
All my life I’ve been around several other mothers and fathers who have suffered through miscarriages or stillbirth, so the topic is not new to me even though I was well aware that I had no clue what any of them were going through.
We have one son who is nearly 10, and after years of fertility issues had finally conceived a second child last fall… and then in January he died.
So, now we have Aleksandr here with us, and little Konstantin is in heaven helping to pray for us and guide us to get there. We keep him as an important part of our lives now, not trying to hide the grief, but also thinking about using it for good.
The most helpful things from other people? Well, if they use platitudes “you’ll have more”, “God wanted the baby in heaven”, etc., at least say that you know they are platitudes and that they don’t help, and that you wish there was something you could actually say to help, but you know that nothing will take away the pain.
Call our children by name. One poor mother was telling me yesterday that her family complains that the names she used on the little babies she lost were ‘all the good names’, like she’s wasted those names on wasted children. We don’t get to call our children by name to ask them to come down for supper, or to stop touching the fruit in the grocery store. But we do talk to them in heaven and ask for their intercession, ask them to help us be good so we can get to them and tell them we miss them. Having other people mention them by name even just when asking how we are doing is very helpful.
Send a card on Mother’s Day, or when the baby died, or when their birthday would have been, something. I’ve been doing this for 4 years now for a relative who had a stillborn child, on his birthday. It doesn’t bring him back, but to his family it tells them that yes, I know, he did have a life and his soul is eternally ongoing. These cards go into her box for memories of him. I will only send a card if it seems like something those parents might actually appreciate, but it does affirm the lives of ALL their children. The same thing even with Christmas cards – if you know the baby’s name, write it in, if you don’t, just write something like ‘and the little baby in heaven’.
Don’t ever expect us to ‘get over it’. We’ll learn eventually how to get through each day, but we don’t get over it. We wonder at 5 years and 20 years and 50 years what the child would have done at that point had they lived.
If your friend is involved in some sort of community support that is open for other people, go to it. For example, some places have a ‘walk to remember’ or a gathering for families at a local cemetery in October, during Infant Loss Awareness month. Go for your friend’s family.
If you are close enough to the friend that you get them a gift for Christmas every year, do a little something for the child. Make a $5 donation in the child’s name to a charity that your friend would appreciate. See if there is some little card that acknowledges the donation, or just write that you did it in a basic card that you give to them. We’ve had a number of people do this for Konstantin and to us it shows that good is coming from his life, which is what we want as his parents, that from his existence other people are being helped, and that his name has been written somewhere, which to us acknowledges, again, his life in a world where too many people brush aside this issue as if it was just a ‘potential person who didn’t actually get to live’.
Oh, and if you are Catholic, like us, have a Mass offered, even like once a year, in honour of the child and to help the family. In most parishes there are cards that you can get that will then have their name written on them. While I realize that people of other religions will not understand this, it is very important for Catholics and really acknowledges that the child is with God. Many people have had such Masses offered for us the past few months, and they’ve been really helpful. I’m honestly ‘looking forward’ to going to one coming up on March 14.
And really – just listen. Sometimes we just need to talk, and it is okay for you to say that you don’t know what to say, but you wish something could somehow help.
Kimery
An article I wrote for a Christian publication in the Quad Cities a few years back:
Full House Yet Vacant Rooms
By Kimery Lorenz
Once upon a time, in a land not so far away lived a husband, a wife and three children. It was a happy sort of life, you see. All she dreamed of, was being wife and mom to 4 beautiful, well-adjusted children. Then, one day, quite suddenly it seemed, she found out she was carrying child number four. All was well with her world, or so it seemed.
She should have been leery when she felt not one bit queasy. She was a bit nervous, but reasoned, “The luck of the draw, I’ve paid my dues with the other three nauseating pregnancies.” Days passed by quickly and before she knew it, she was one week shy of the 12 week, first prenatal check. Then IT happened! The spotting, which she’d never encountered before! She panicked but rationalized she’d been doing lots of lifting with her children and made mental note, to let hubby do the lifting. Things settled for a week or so, until. . . The spotting reappeared. This once happy mom-to-be tried to calm herself and just to be sure all was well, she called the doctor’s office. A bit nervous was she, but never prepared for what came next. The ultrasound, normally displaying a heartbeat and sweet kicks of a tiny babe, glaringly displayed only an empty sac. Because she was leaving town the next day, and given dire “you could hemorrhage” warnings, she was given the choice – procedure to eliminate tissue needed to happen tonight or the next morning. The couple opted for that night. That “couple” was us.
The journey that miscarriage took us on was surreal. Never had I had to have a ‘procedure’ done before. It was a cold, calculating experience where the nurse and doctor bantered back and forth as if this was everyday occurrence. I wanted to shout, “my baby’s dead and all you can do is casually converse?!”
It was only the beginning of a whole new world; one that I had never counted on.
I’d always assumed I would have my four wonderful pregnancies with no complications, yet here I was.
From the dear nurse at the doctor’s office, who’d had two or three miscarriages before she ever gave birth, to family members, to the neighbor and the church ladies – everyone had their story to tell. Yet, why was I just hearing their sorrows? Why hadn’t I heard of the statistics before of the actual number of miscarriages that happened? Or was it, I hadn’t been listening? Why didn’t I hear about this in the caring community called the church?
My first loss of a child was physically traumatic. There were health issues, caused because all the tissue had not been retrieved by the surgeon, tricking my body into thinking it was still pregnant. Although my body healed fairly quickly after I had surgery the next month, my heart was forever altered. I’d want to look away, yet my eyes were inexplicably drawn to friends’ bellies growing round with their developing children.
There was always to be that, “I wonder if he/she had lived” questioning in my mind. There’s something about once a mama conceives, she never forgets.
I’ve since gone on to have a total of six living children, interspersed with the loss of five babies miscarried from my body to heaven’s arms.
Forever altered, now I know to send cards, notes of encouragement, drop a phone call to a mom who has lost her precious child. I understand, now, that words “I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby” is both all a person can and should say, followed by, “I’ll be praying for you.” Then, I want that mama to know, I will listen, when she needs to talk. I will offer resources, such as the book by Dr. Jack Hayford, “I’ll Hold You in Heaven.” I will encourage others to do the same, especially those who call themselves pro-life.
All life is precious, no matter the stage of life. We don’t know why these babies are taken so prematurely, we just know they are forever molded in our hearts. Even if only for a few short weeks, that baby was ours to nurture! Sometimes when I go out with my living children, there are times that although every one is present and accounted for, I find myself recounting. There gnaws on my mind I’m missing someone. It’s then I remember, yes, there are children missing from my current head-count, but they wait ahead in heaven’s grand stands. Some day soon I think, I shall be reunited with five more beaming faces and then, my head will nod. Yes, all are present and accounted for.
Amy Whitsel
Today I celebrate and mourn my Brody Micah and his 1 month in heaven.
At our 20 week ultrasound on Oct 2, 2013, we found out he would not survive after birth. We knew he wouldn’t live long, but didn’t anticipate he would pass during delivery. We trust that God has and will continue to use our pain and Brody’s short life to impact others for eternity.
I just posted today some thoughts about how to talk to me and really anyone who’s grieving. Hope it helps…
http://brodymicah.blogspot.com/2014/03/why-its-ok-to-say-congratulations-and.html
Jennifer "InfertilityMom" Saake
This is so beautiful. Thank you!
– jenni to three living miracles here on earth and 3 more awaiting us in Heaven
www.HannahsHopeBook.blogspot.com
Olivia
Thank you so much for your post. Last week I officially lost my baby. At my first prenatal visit, I was ten weeks pregnant while my son (or so I had felt) was only six weeks and four days. I had wanted this baby so badly for over a year and just like that he slipped away before I could even hold him in my arms. I still have this beautiful little belly, with nothing inside. So many hurtful things have been said that we’re meant to be comforting. The worst being, “It was barely more than a sperm, not really even a baby yet.”. I have constantly been told I will be okay. It’s to the point where I can’t even stand that word now. This will never be okay. I lost my child. This is a loss I will forever grieve and carry with me. The words that have helped carry me through are from a sermon from years ago that I just now am able to fully understand. Things may not be going well, and I definitely am not okay, but I am blessed beyond measure and I will rejoice in the Lord reguardless of my circumstances. My little boy has changed me in so many ways, before he even really had a chance to live. My heart breaks for anyone who has ever been through the loss of a child. I pray God cradles you all in his arms and love, so that one day we may have the opportunity and strength to minister and show that tremendous amount of love to others who feel our pain.
TJ
I agree with acknowledging that the baby was there. That there was a person. After I lost my baby, we tried to keep it kinda secret, but I hated that. I wanted people to know that this little person DID exist even if for just a little while and she was loved very much and was very important to us. And that I am the proud mom of this baby.
Vanessa
This is such a sweet post! I had my first miscarriage yesterday at 10 weeks 4 days. It hurt so much. I lost the baby a few weeks ago already so knowing I was carrying a dead child with me for a few weeks was painful. When the miscarriage finally took its course yesterday, I thought I was going to die from the pain, not the emotional pain. I know my child is with Jesus. I know I will see him/her again and I know that Jesus is holding that baby and taking special care of him/her. It is very comforting and encouraging to know I am a mama and I hope to have a baby of my very own here on earth someday! 🙂
BethanyT
Wow! Thank you so much for posting this. I live for the day I get to hold my babies in Heaven for the first time. (Daniel and I wanted 10 kids as well!) I have also always wanted twins, but they don’t run in our families. After my 2 miscarriages, I found out that I was pregnant again, and that I had been pregnant with twins but one stopped developing at 5 weeks. But I still considered it a dream come true. Some people question God’s existence in hard times, but it is BECAUSE of those times, I KNOW He is real. There was no One more comforting and close to me than Him. Still don’t know why it had to happen, but I see God’s blessings through it all. I am a better person because of what has happened the past year. I dream of our reunion! It’s definitely given me a desire for Heaven. Can’t Wait!
Pauline
I am weeping as I read this post and the comments. My rainbow baby is 7 months old and is asleep on my lap.
My only confirmed miscarriage happened on Feb 5, 2012. I was at work in a teen clinic, surrounded by girls who didn’t want to be bothered enough by their babies to breastfeed them.
When the OB called to confirm that my blood work showed what I already knew, I kept it together. I walked back to my little cubby and kept it in. Kate came to check on me and it was saying the words to her that opened the floodgates. She hugged me and said she was sorry. It was exactly what I needed.
My husband, who I was texting, oblivious to his pain, came straight home to take care of me instead of following his routine.
We were told by the OB to wait for two months before trying again. We sort of used protection so when I didn’t have a period by March 12, I called the OB office. They sent me for blood work which confirmed my home test. Then again 48 hours later and my numbers looked good. We had a dating ultrasound on March 28 and everything looked great. Naming her was hard, I said baby 3 would be Micah but I couldn’t bring myself to name her that. It took months for me to realize that Micah is waiting for me in Heaven and this sister needed her own name. The day she was born, my nurse asked for my LMP, it was/is 12/22/11, I had to explain my miscarriage and grieve it even more as I was preparing to deliver.
The hardest part for me was the knowing that before my oldest living child, those two 45 day cycles were miscarriages too.
I guess I am a mom of 6. Much love to you all.
Pam
I am the mother to 6 children, 5 that live here and one that I can not wait to met in Heaven. I lost our son 15 years ago (1998) to CDH. It is Congenital Diaphragmatic hernia. This condition affects 250 babies in the USA every year and there is a 50% survival rate. There is no known cause or cure when you get the diagnoses.
Something that really helped me to deal with our loss was talking about Dakota. We want people to acknowledge our child, we had hopes and dreams of a future that was taken from us. So if you come across someone who has lost their baby, please talk to them about the baby and grieve with them. They are a mother weather you see their children or not.
Jacky
I love reading all this posts and knowing that I am not alone when it comes to losing a child.
I lost my first child, a beautiful little girl, at almost 39 weeks pregnant. Having a stillbirth while in college was so painful, and it hurt even more not having the support of my child’s biological dad. It has been almost seven months now, and the pain still hurts. It hurts because I miss my daughter every single day. I know she is in a better place, and that makes me smile, but I will always miss her.
I feel like something people can do to help a grieving parent is to just acknowledge their child and to mention them during holidays, special events, invitations, cards, etc. Also, to visit their child at the cemetery if they were laid to rest there. Any small gesture that come from the heart will always be acknowledged by a grieving parent. A Bible verses that help me get through the day is 2 Smauel 12:23 talking about howa child can’t be brought back to this earth, but that one day the parent will be in heaven with their child.
Christina McKnight
I’m so glad to have found this website!…It was June that not only marked my 32nd birthday but the 5th year since my miscarriage. The doctor said I had lost it between 7-9 weeks. I had never felt pain like that…like the world stopped. I couldn’t stop crying! The miscarriage was abnormal too. The baby did not pass through like some do. The doctor had to give me a pill. It basically put me through 8 hours of being violently ill to rid my body of what was supposed to be my baby.I will never forget that day….
People didn’t know what to say. Some acted as if I never a baby at all. For the most part, I kept my miscarriage hidden. Yet I still felt a huge loss…like a part of me was missing. I too wondered if I had the “right” to grieve. I hate to admit it, but I questioned God. I was angry with Him. I felt as if I was being punished.
Two years later, my sister lost her second daughter, Adelyn Faith, at 6 months into the pregnancy. It was devastating. We had a small funeral for her and there is no way to explain the sight of seeing that tiny little pink coffin. However, through this loss, my sister and I had grown closer. We shared a bond…the loss of a child. It may sound strange…but the experience, although hard, left a bittersweet impression. To this day, oldest niece ( who is 7) talks about Adelyn. Adelyn just had her third birthday. Ironically, my sister’s two year old just had her birthday…just a day before Adelyn’s.
I have come to peace with God since then. In some ways I still question it. Even today I will shed a few tears, wishing I had a four year old with me. (She/he would have been 5 in December) But, I realize that although I do not get to be an “earthly” mother, my baby ( and Adelyn) began their life in the arms of Christ. I do not know what God’s reasoning is, or His plan right now. I do know He has one…a perfect one! It’s been a struggle, but He never left my side. To those of you experiencing similar loss, my heart goes out to you. I pray God will give you peace in time…and I know He will! God bless!
anonymous
Seeing all of these post really made me feel better knowing I’m not the only one who feels this way. I was 19 years old when I got pregnant I am now 20. For being 19 you would think that I would have thought my life was over but for me I looked as it as a new start. My first two months weren’t so good I was bleeding a little here and there so we all expected a miscarriage but shockingly that didn’t happen my doctor was sure that everything was good. Our baby was growing just how they expected, so I went in for my 12 week check up and my baby was fine, it was moving all around in my belly with a wonderful heartbeat and then I went for my 17 weeks check up and to find out the sex of the baby so he went to get a heartbeat as it was curled up in a little ball and couldn’t get anything so he tried to get the baby to move but it wouldn’t. My baby was no longer alive and at that very moment I couldn’t quiet process it so I had to go in for immediate surgery and after I found out I was having a baby girl and ever since then I have had the hardest time getting over this and no one but my boyfriend knows what I’m going through that I know. People have said “oh it’s just a miscarriage it happens all the time” but they have no clue what’s going through our minds because lost our child and you can’t help but wonder why this had to happen.
Annie
I have lost my 2 babies to early term miscarriage. What hurts me the most is the fact if feels like my family has forgotten about them. They are never mentioned. On Mother’s Day I only got 2 cards saying “hang in there”. I want my children talked about like my living niece is. The true death of my children is being forgotten.
I hear so many hurtful things from people who think they are helping. “It happens for a reason” “They are with God” “Atleast you never got to know them” “You can always have another” . I have learned you have got to let the parents come to religious conclusions on their own or to them you are saying God wanted their baby to die. This isn’t like a dog, though I love my animals to death, you can’t just get another. What if your grandmother died? Would you just go to the nursing home and get another?
I found what helps me is for people to listen or just be held for a while, seeing if the hug would somehow fit all the pieces of my heart together. One thing above all else, keep the child(ren)s memory alive. Talk about them. Say their name. Send a grieving friend little gifts when you are thinking about their angel(s).
Cassie
I’ve had two early miscarriages. My husband doesn’t believe they were miscarriages. He thinks I’m being silly. We weren’t trying for a baby at the time you see, so in his eyes it must have been something else.
The doctors agree with me though, I believe them. And I know. My two little babies, gone before I even knew they were there. So now I have no children, and no idea if I ever will. And all I can think is “you should be 6 months old now.”
Acknowledge it. No matter how early, acknowledge that the child was real and that the parents may worry about future pregnancies, don’t brush it all under the carpet.
Amanda
It was almost a year ago that my husband and I lost our precious Jubilee Belle. I was 37 weeks pregnant and we couldn’t find a heartbeat. She was stillborn December 5th. She was due Christmas day. Oh the pain of her loss was almost too much to bear. The best way that people helped us was to be there. We travel an hour and a half to church and our church family was at4 times that first week. The meals hugs and just willingness to sit with us was amazing. Another set of friends came by washed the dishes and have our 22 month old her bath because my husband and I couldn’t find the energy to do it.
In times like these, that you truly learn who your friends are. They are the ones who hold your hand through it all. They hug you through your pain, contact you just to see how you’re doing, and love you with the love of Christ.
The pain lets up after a while but I find myself in a lot of pain again as we approach her birthday.
Another good way of supporting these moms is to support them through subsequent pregnancies. Pray for Jesus to take away their fear. Comfort them when they admit to that fear.
SARAH
I just went through my 3rd 2nd trimester miscarriage in one year. I lots Jenni at 19 weeks, Hannah at 16 weeks and Austin (our first son out of 5 pregnancies at almost 17 weeks. We saw him on ultrasound just hours before he passed. We have two living daughters and watching my oldest deal with these losses has been
Bekah
When the post was first published, I had no idea how to relate and I was on the side of wondering how to interact with people who had suffered this type of loss. Now things are different. I am in the process of miscarrying the baby who would have been our second child. The grief and the pain feel almost too much to bear.
Different people process grief differently, so I don’t think there is always one right way to interact with someone who has experienced the loss of a baby. But here are things that are meaningful to me.
– Send me a text, facebook message or e-mail telling me that you care and are praying for me. Even if I don’t respond to you, I will read your words and it will mean a lot to me to know that you care and are praying.
-Unless you are a very close friend or family member, written communication is often the best way to reach out to me, especially in the early days after the loss. That way I can choose when/if/how I feel comfortable responding.
– Tell me that my baby will always be loved and remembered.
– Offer help, a shoulder to cry on, or a listening ear. There might be nothing you can do and I might not feel like talking, but it will be reassuring to know that I can call you if I need anything.
– Offer to bring a meal or even just a loaf of bread (or ask me if there is anything I need from the store). My family still needs to eat, but I don’t feel like cooking.
– Suggest a get together or girls night when I am feeling better. I might not feel like going out or being around people right now. But when I am feeling better, it will be nice to get out of the house and enjoy time with friends.
I know we could probably make a list a mile long with things not to say/do to people who have experienced loss. But here are a few that are at the top of my list.
– Don’t tell me horror stories. I don’t want to hear about every tragic loss you have ever heard off, especially if you have never lost a baby yourself.
– Unless you are an extremely close friend or family member, don’t ask for details about what went wrong unless I bring up the subject myself.
– Don’t preach to me. Words of comfort and encouragement are good, but don’t give me a sermon about how I shouldn’t be so sad because God is still in control, He is refining me, He loves my baby more than I do, etc. etc. etc.
Linda T
I gave birth to my 7th child this past November, but he had passed away a few hours earlier. We got to hold him and spend precious hours with him, yet it was so clear to us that this was only his physical body – he had already been promoted to glory, and was rejoicing with his Creator!
In the days and weeks that followed, we have experienced the love of God in so many ways! God doesn’t just plop His love at our feet. He uses people to show this. We have felt the love of family, friends and our entire congregation carrying us and giving us strength when we really didn’t know how we would get through that overwhelming first week!
I’ve learned how to give by receiving so much! I now know how it feels to receive a meal (even if I was physically feeling fine enough to cook myself), to receive those hugs (even if there were no words that could be said), and to receive so many cards in the mail that our mail lady wondered what had happened!
My advice would be for moms who have experienced loss: don’t worry when people say things that don’t sound right. So many people don’t know how to react, or what to say. It is an awkward conversation for them to have, and often the words don’t come out right. I would rather have an awkward conversation with someone than to have no conversation at all. And for those whose words do come out the way they meant them, try to witness to them. You never know when or how your words of faith will affect them!
To those friends of someone dealing with loss, offer to help them specifically. People offered to bring me a meal whenever I needed it, but in reality, I would probably never call them and ask for it. Ask if you can bring a meal next Tuesday, or can you clean their bathroom for them, etc. Its easier to say yes to a specific offer instead of asking for the help later on!
To those who have experienced loss, rest in the words of Psalm 63: “Because You are my help, I sing in the shadow of Your wings”. Rest in Him, and rejoice in His love and care for you!
Erin
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Linda and for your encouragement to other mamas. I am so sorry for your loss.
mommy
My story may be a little different than you guys. I found out that i was pregnant and I didn’t know what to do. I had already had a one and a half year old boy and now another on the way, from a different father. Usually, people are excited, I was for my first, but my feelings were different. I didn’t know how i would be able to take care of both of them on my own. Then guy I was with did drugs. I didn’t even want to be with him, I don’t do drugs. Well I found myself praying over and over again to let me have a miscarriage. I could bearly take care of my son, how could I care for another? I begged and pleaded, and as soon as I kind of understood that this baby was going to be born I started spotting. I went to the drs office and I heard her last few heart beats right there in the room. I was 10 or 11 weeks. I was so sad. My body held on to her for 2 more months, and at 3am on Halloween morning, she finally came. I hated myself for over a year, because I brought this upon her. My boyfriend now,, told me that God doesn’t hear those kinds of prayers. I’m not so sure, but I do know that God wont give You something that you can’t handle. He gave me this kind of challenge because he knows tgst I’m strong enough to over come it. Its also a way to make me make good decisions, so I can hug her and tell her how much I love her on that special day.
Erin
I’m so very sorry for your loss, and I pray you will continue to find healing and not beat yourself up.
Shalyse
We have six children! (3 on earth and 3 in heaven) Babies #2 (7 weeks along), #5 (6 weeks along), & #6 (9 weeks along – a subchorionic hemorrhage seems to be the reason for this miscarriage) are in heaven. Baby #5 and #6 were just 2 months apart. Each loss has been really hard on me.
What I wanted most was dinner that I didn’t have to cook, because that’s what I really needed. I needed to be resting and was very emotionally drained that I didn’t want to have to think about what to cook, let alone be standing long enough to make it happen. My husband ended up buying dinner the night we found out about the miscarriage (with the latest miscarriage) and he made dinner the next night, after the surgery. We usually have a stash of freezer meals just in case, but I hadn’t anticipated needing them yet and so I hadn’t gotten around to making more. My husband says if I wanted dinner brought I could have just asked someone, but I didn’t want to put that burden on someone else unless they volunteered or offered. The point to all of this is, that if a friend or anyone I know about goes through this, the first thing I am asking is, “When can I bring dinner?” When I bring a meal by, I like to bring a hot meal they can eat now and a freezer meal for later, if I can.
If you don’t know what to say, maybe just ask if you can give them a hug (if they are a friend) or what you can do for them (go to the grocery store for them, run an errand for them, etc.). I had a friend offer to watch my kids if I needed some time alone to rest or something. That was a very kind offer to. Lending a listening ear when we’ve had a really hard day or just want to talk can really help ease the burden. I have learned that most women, me included, don’t ever “get over” losing our children. We can move on, but we don’t forget. The pain is still there. Despite that, I try and look forward with my faith that I’ll be able to see them and hold them in the next life. That has brought me great peace.
Everyone’s comments have brought me more peace knowing I am not alone in going through this. We are never alone. Thank you for your post!
Erin
Thank you SO much for sharing these tips, Shalyse! I am so sorry for your losses.
Alisha
I have 4 children, the youngest (12 wks) was born into heaven. It was the hardest thing I’ve physically been through (and I have twins), even harder mentally. My advice to anyone who hasn’t experience that pain, is to be ultra sensitive. Think about how you would feel if it were you, then speak. If you doubt it’s appropriate, don’t use the words. In fact not speaking at all is just fine. Sometimes we just need an embrace, a call, or a text saying your praying and thinking of her in her time of need. Being someone of stronger faith now, I would have liked to have heard the term “born into heaven” it’s so much more comforting than anything else I’ve heard (so thank you for that). I’d never gone through this before, nor did I know that my friends had gone through it too. I couldn’t bare the thought of treating him/her like any less than my baby… So he/she was cremated despite how small he/she was. It’s been a year now, and I’m still learning how to grieve. I think perhaps finding scripture that fits the situation, as well as comforting direction towards God’s big plan, would be helpful as well (after an appropriate amount of time). Thank you for posting this, it’s hard to go through this alone, and reading these women’s comments, as well as knowing people who haven’t been through it truly care, help comfort me somehow. Prayers for you all.
Ashli
I lost my little boy at 13 weeks.. It was devastating. And to this day it still is. People constantly asked me was my fiancé and I going to “try again”. Also, people’s way of “comforting” is just hurtful.. Today’s Mother’s Day and I should be holding my little nine month old babyboy. Not holding his little booties that should have been on his tiny little feet. It gets easier, but it still hurts so bad..
kimberlee marrs
I lost my baby at 6 weeks the doctor said that it was natures way of starting over.. That it had to happen and that’s all he kept saying it was this April that it happened i was 16 and the worse thing people told me was you are young its for the best no thats never for the best you can try again later on no i wanted this baby not another it wasnt even a baby it was a fetus it was my child the second it started growing. Asking questions about it no i don’t like talking about the loss of my child.
Rebecca
My husband and I just lost our first. At the beginning of this month we had prayed about it and decided to stop preventing pregnancy and put the timing of it in God’s hands. When I became pregnant right away we were over joyed. We didn’t realize how ready we were to be parents until it happend. My baby was born into heaven at the end of my 4th week. The best words I’ve received have been from those who know this pain. And I’ve been so loved by so many that know. From those who don’t know, who’ve never been through this, the best thing someone has told me was “words aren’t enough. But not saying anything communicates I don’t care. I wish I had more than words to give you.” She gave me her heart and that was enough.
There are two questions that have been asked that don’t need to be. They were asked by my in-laws, who are incredible. But they just don’t understand. 1: “Were you guys trying to have a baby, or was this an ‘accident’?” – at this point, the answer to this question doesn’t matter. The pain is the same. Even if we hadn’t been trying, no baby is an accident. 2: “Do the doctor’s know what caused it?” – there’s no way of knowing. And the question of why haunts me. Was it because I took excedrin before I knew I was pregnant? Was it because I didn’t start prenatal vitamins soon enough? The truth is they don’t know. And the truth is, I loved this baby so deeply. It’s not my fault.
Danny's mommy
I have waiting 35 years to be a mom and when I finally became one, he was taken away 9 weeks after conception. He was my son. I know there nothing that I could do to prevent his death. I cry every day for my Danny, but I force myself to get out of bed and function. Some days are a blur as I put on a “normal” face for everyone else, but when I’m alone I’m lost in thought. Sometimes I envision him saying, “it’s ok Mommy, don’t cry. I will always be here, watching you. I know you loved me”.
When I got my second cycle after Danny was gone, I was broken. We had hoped we would have conceived again, instead I got the cruel reminder as I looked at the blood in the toilet. The flashback of sitting there after 18 hours of contractions and cramping watching my body bleed the remains of my baby . The bloody water was worse than any bloody scene you see in the horror movie, it was my reality. My baby was gone.
How can someone who hasn’t been there relate? They can’t. But they can honor my child by remembering that he existed. Give me a break and don’t push too hard when I’m having a bad day. Let me talk about him openly, even it makes you feel uncomfortable. It IS uncomfortable. It’s awful. It’s agonizing, and it is every mom’s worst nightmare. Yes, we can try for another baby, but I wanted THAT one. I will never be able to see the color of his eyes or smell his sweet baby smell. I won’t get to wake up in the middle of the night to feed him and hear him giggle. I will miss out on everything and i can’t even ask “why” because there is no answer to that question.
Life moves on and I pull myself out of bed everyday. I try to remind myself what a blessing Danny was for the 9 weeks I had him in my womb. Not all women get to experience that blessing, but I did. I got to have the nausea, the smell aversion, the cramping, and the joy of knowing there was a life growing inside of me. That’s right. I GOT to experience that stuff, and it was wonderful! I am blessed that I got to be Danny’s mommy for the little time I got. I wanted so much more, but I wouldn’t take that time back for anything in the world. Sometimes a woman just needs a reminder that it is NOT her fault. There was nothing she could have done to prevent this loss. She did everything that she could to give her baby life. She DESERVES to move on and be happy.
Treasure's Mom
Danny’s mom, you have put it in a way I could never do better. “The bloody water was worse than any bloody scene you see in the horror movie, it was my reality. My baby was gone”. I lost my very first two babies at about 8 weeks, and everyone around me told they were not yet babies, just blood. I was young and thought crying over “just blood” was being childish. I got 3 beautiful daughters after the first miscarriage, and lost another set this time at about 20 weeks. I had named my baby Treasure oblivious of whether it would be a girl or a boy. I was a bit surprised that I was pregnant given that I was using contraceptive. Nevertheless, I was happy to have the “child”. After one of the antenatal visits, it was established I was carrying twins, I was excited, and felt like I was having my twins back. I added another name Emma for my second baby. But No! I lost them. That bloody water, and each of my babies falling out one after the other is something I can never forget. It is almost eight years since that happened, but I still cry for my 4 children in heaven, wondering what they would have looked like. I miss them so badly. Am glad to read all the posts above and learn how other people have coped with the loss of their dear little angels. Recently a colleague of mine lost a 2 year old son and she cried she kept saying she wished he had died before she knew what he looked like, what it felt like holding him. For a moment I thought maybe she is right, maybe not. Either way, losing a child really hurts a lot. Thank you all for sharing.
Janna
I am a mother of twin babies that my husband and I lost at 7 weeks 4 days. Sadly, we have not been blessed with any more children at this time. I was deeply blessed and ministered to by a woman I am blessed to call my friend and sister in the Lord, but at the time had only met once. At the time, she was 5 months pregnant with her 7th child. She acknowledged my pain, the fact that I am a mother and that it must be difficult to be friends with people like her who have so many children… Then she hugged me, cried with me and told me she loved my babies. Today I prayed over her baby who will soon be born and we hugged and cried again. It is so freeing to feel pain and be joyful at the same time. My prayer for all of us who have experienced loss is not to become bitter, but to be vulnerable and experience great joy and freedom in allowing God to be glorified through our submission to whatever circumstances we face. God bless…
Karla
Thank you for you post, so beautiful and touching.
I just delivered our 6th living child 1month ago today. My heart has been so happy and grieved at the same time, he was a twin. I miscarried his twin at 12 weeks. This is the 2nd time I’ve lost a twin and I didn’t expect the grief to be so great this time bc I “knew” what to expect. People often see our “big” family and say, “do you have twins in there?” I so badly want to say yes! Yes, we have twins but only one is here, the other is in heaven.
Also, because we have 6 living children we get all sorts comments about our family size and such. What people don’t know & would never expect is, we’ve had a total of 8 losses and their words hurt.
I think the important thing to remember is, we all have a story so, be kind w your words and actions.
Though I don’t understand why ive miscarried so many of our children, I do know that they aren’t lost. We look forward to the day that we will get to meet them & they’ll give us the grand tour! <3
I think it's important to acknowledge the loss of the baby & the grief that comes w that loss. To listen to the mama talk about her precious child, if she so chooses. To know that you don't have the answer to the question, "why" just love on her…
Practical ways are good too!
Liz
My sweet baby girl was born into the Saviors arms on September 30th. The last 6 weeks have been the longest weeks of my life. I had a normal healthy pregnancy so when I went into my 20 week ultrasound I had no worries just was excited to find out my baby’s gender. Unfortunately I received awful news, my baby was in the dying stage of life… 5 days later I found that her heart had stopped beating and I would have to deliver, 18 hours later I said hello and goodbye to my first born. She was absolutely beautiful in every way!
I honestly think the best thing anyone can do for a grieving mommy is give a hug and knowledge her baby, and let her talk about her baby and how much it mattered to her, for me I love talking about how perfect and beautiful my sweet girl was! But honestly I am so glad when people say I have no idea what your going through its a comfort knowing they have never had to go through such hard times. It’s a club that the we wish on no one!
Deb
I take comfort in all the posts that I have read. I am the Grandma of a baby born into Heaven. My heart aches for my 31 year old daughter and her 39 year old husband. They have been trying for a baby for several years using various types of fertility medications and procedures to help them conceive. She eventually had surgery to remove a cyst and endometriosis. After the surgery, testing found that she has a low egg reserve, and if she has any hope of having a child it would have to be soon. Her doctor put her on a new medication to induce ovulation. After two treatments, she finally received what she had longed for, a “positive” on the pregnancy test. She was four weeks pregnant. They couldn’t wait to tell all of their immediate family. We all were ecstatic and getting used to the idea that we were going to have a baby. We had so much to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. My daughter began spotting that night. I had also spotted while pregnant with her, so I didn’t think anything about it and encouraged her to relax and stay off her feet. Saturday came, and she let me know that she now was passing bright red blood. I prayed over and over to myself. As a mom, we try to protect our children from any pain. I felt so helpless and knew it was in God’s hands. As I tried to comfort her and keep her calm, she finally broke down and said she wanted to go to the ER. She needed to know what was happening. After getting an IV, bloodwork, and pelvic exam at the hospital, we got the dreaded news. Her HCG level had gone down. At 5 1/2 weeks, my precious grandchild joined my Mom in Heaven. I take comfort in knowing my Mom has wrapped her arms around this baby. and they all will be waiting for us until we can join them. I must admit the loss we feel from this miscarriage far outweighs any loss we felt when she could not conceive.
Kiara
Why would God not want our children with him. He loves our babies far more than we ever can. And perhaps he just decided that they would be better growing up in his arms. I’m simply more excited because I know that after I die I still get to meet my precious baby in heaven.
Andrea
I lost a baby last year at 7 weeks, and after having talked to many other women about it (including mother-in-law who lost twins at 34 weeks) I’ve come to the conclusion that any way you lose a baby is heart breaking. She mourns all the things she came to know and love about her babies, I mourn all the things I’ll never get to know and love, but we both mourn. There were two things in particular throughout this process that were particularly comforting to me. One was my pastor’s wife coming to my house afterward to clean and to use essential oils to get rid of the terrible blood smell that was so upsetting to me. The second was more recent: when we announced our second pregnancy a woman in the church told me we were parents twice over, and that our first would be so happy to see us move forward and have his/her little sibling. I cried and hugged her, because she was the first to acknowledge that this new little one isn’t our first child.
Erin
I am so sorry for your loss, Andrea. Thank you for sharing these examples of how your church family showed you love during this very difficult time. You ARE a mama to TWO. I LOVE that the lady acknowledged that!
Lauren
Thank you for this, for caring and wanting us mama’s with children in heaven to know you care. I have 2 children in heaven, one born at 13 weeks and one at 7 weeks and no earthly children yet. I know its always hard to know what to say, but I absolutely love it when people ask how I am or just send a quick text and let me know they’re praying. Its easy to feel like your children are forgotten by the world because they were never held in our arms, so it means the world to know they were loved and have not been forgotten. I’d say especially send a text or a note on Mother’s Day, the baby’s due date and the baby’s birthday as the mama won’t forget those dates for the rest of her life.
Everyone is different in what they find comforting, and I know people mean well when they try to comfort, but when I had recently lost both babies being told “you’re young, there will be more babies” was the least comforting thing and hurt so much. A mama who has lost a baby wants THAT baby. Not another one.
Anyway, thank you for your sweet heart and for chosing to care and for walking alongside your friend well.
Jamie
We had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. The baby would have been our 4th. I learned a lot personally through this horrible time in my life, but one thing I learned is how to better help other women going through miscarriage. People seem to think mentioning it somehow makes it worse for the mom. Don’t be afraid to talk about the miscarriage and the baby. Every woman’s experience is different, but most women need to grieve the loss and feel like the life of their baby meant something to someone other than them. A lot of people asked my husband how I was doing, but never contacted me. I felt very alone at first. Thankfully some women who had been through it reached out to me and it made a huge difference. I hemorrhaged and required emergency surgery after a very traumatic delivery at home, so I had physical and emotional trauma after the fact. I had nightmares for months and paralyzing flash backs. You simply cannot get through it alone. My husband could only do so much and he was grieving too. Don’t forget about Dad. My husband buried our baby all alone because I lost so much blood I could not do anything at all. Be there for the mom and let her cry and whatever else she needs to do. Take her family meals. Care for her other children. Remember her baby. Pray with and for her. Understand that future pregnancies are filled with fear and uncertainty. Refrain from trying to make sense of the tragedy. No one is comforted by platitudes such as, it was God’s will, the baby must have been deformed, or maybe you have enough children… Just be God’s hands and feet. You will be more appreciated than you will ever know.
Stacy
Jamie, thank you for sharing your story. I can relate to what you are saying about your husband. Mine had to dig a grave by himself in the snow the day after Christmas. I had just come home from an emergency D&C. I was there when we buried him, but most of that horrible burden was on his shoulders. He was grieving, too, and I think it’s too common for dads to be overlooked when there is a miscarriage. They don’t experience it the same way that we do, but they are hurting, too.
Stacy
I lost two babies, both at 16 weeks. Both when it’s “supposed” to be past the time of worrying about miscarriage. Both experiences were very very different. The first time, the baby passed out of my body without my knowing it. I was engulfed in God’s peace and my physical healing was fast and painless. I got pregnant again not long afterward, so even though NOTHING could replace my love for my lost baby, my spiritual and emotional healing seemed faster and easier as well. The second time, I found out on Christmas that there was no heartbeat and I had to wait for my body to miscarry. When I did, the next morning, there was a little body that I held in the palm of my hand and we buried in the front yard in the bitter cold of winter. I wouldn’t stop bleeding and was so weak I had to crawl to the car. I had a D&C. As soon as spring arrived, I planted a dogwood tree where he is buried. I had a desperate need to see something growing there. It took us 3 more years to get pregnant again. It was a nightmare and I was angry and bitter and confused. I’m not sure I have ever completely healed from that one. 15 years later, I still cry every Christmas and when the dogwood blooms appear each spring.
I think the best way for a mama who has never gone through this to minister to one who has, is to give her time to mourn. Understand that the mourning may go on for years, and that, even after healing takes place, the memory never diminishes. We remember it like it just happened. Always. Don’t offer advice, just offer your love and compassion. Offer an ear when she needs to talk about it, and your acceptance when she doesn’t or can’t. Don’t hide your enthusiasm for your own pregnancy or little ones, but love on us and hug us when it makes us feel sad. Remember that we want to rejoice with you, even when it’s hard.
Katie
I share my story when asked. My mom lost 2 babies, including a vanishing twin to my sister. When my sister was 3 she asked where her sister was. I was in the living room my mom told her. My sister responded, no my other sister. It floored my mom, but she responded in heaven, and my sister accepted that answer. We lost our third child at 8 weeks. We had asked our oldest what to name him. In the throes of superhero love a resounding Spidey Hulk became the go to nickname. After we lost him, we decided to name him. To make it feel more real, a permanent marker. We named him Peter Bruce after Peter Parker (Spiderman) and Bruce Banner (Hulk). Every year on the day we lost him we plant forget-me-nots. These small acts mean so much. My brothers told their kids there is another cousin in heaven and his name is Peter Bruce. They pray for him every night. A lot of relating our story is dependant on timing and the person. I don’t hold back though when someone needs the extra love that is created in a horrid loss.
Hangingbyathread
I have just lost a child to miscarriage, over the past 3+ weeks. My five-year-old was the one to announce to others that he was going to be a big brother. A friend, who is moving here to share life with us, is due with her sixth at the exact same time I would have been due. Another friend, who is moving here as well, is due next month with her fifth.
In all of this time, and due to the fact that they are in the thick of packing, everyone has quit asking me how I’m doing. No one even mentions that they have thought of me or are praying for me. Instead, they keep asking for prayers about their houses looking like a war zone from the packing. Seriously? I’m in the process of losing a child and I’m being asked to pray for them?
This has literally been the hardest time in my life. I know I probably won’t be able to have another child due to my age. And since it’s only the 2nd pregnancy in 8 years of doing nothing to prevent pregnancy, I doubt that I will have another one.
I think the hardest thing for me is the loneliness. Two of the three women in my life have experienced miscarriage. But all anyone can talk about this week is moving boxes and rental homes. All I can think about is my lost child.
My son has developmental and social issues so he really doesn’t understand. He’s barely talked about it since we found out three weeks ago. All he knows is that Mommy is very short-tempered and cries a lot. I just don’t know what to think.
I want to believe that God is my Comfort, my Strength, my Shelter, my Healer. But where was He when I was going through this? Where was He when no one else was there to comfort me? Even my husband doesn’t know what to say and says the most awful things because of that. I think everyone thinks I should just be over it or fine or super spiritual and thankful for God’s blessings in the midst.
I definitely have good days and bad days. At least the physical reminder of my loss is finally diminishing. But the pain and the heartache is still right at the surface. I just can’t seem to have much sympathy for my friends in their moving. I mean, they are only moving from one state to another. They’re both still very much pregnant and have many children in their quiver. I have one. I would have loved to have two.
Feeling sorry for myself never gets me anywhere good. Just trying to figure out who I am now that I’m broken and wounded by the One Who is supposed to comfort and heal me.
Erin
First of all, I’m so sorry it’s taken me 5 days to respond! We were out of town and I am just now seeing this. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss–and I know those words don’t do much, but I want to let you know that I will be praying for you right now–that the Lord will help you to sense His presence and be wrapped in his peace. Also, I want you to know that it’s OK to grieve. I am so sorry your friends are not being very sympathetic to you. You have lost a child. That is a pain that no one should endure. It is ok to cry and take your time to grieve. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. I am praying healing and wholeness and peace for you right now.
Hangingbyathread
I just wanted to reply with an update. When I wrote my previous comments, I was hurting and angry at God (obviously) but didn’t feel like I had a safe place to express that emotion. So I found your blog and unloaded (in several areas).
Thankfully God can use our brokenness to repair and bind us up. And that’s exactly what He wanted to do for me. I thought He had broken my new believer legs out of some twisted and cruel love. But what I realized is that I was already learning to walk crippled and my legs needed to be broken so I can walk, no… run, freely.
So, last night, in our small community of believers, God allowed the broken open area to be safely sanitized and then He bound me up. He repaired the broken area, cleaned it out so it wouldn’t get infected, put His healing balm on it, and bound it up. And now, at 4:50 am, I can clearly say that I am free. I am free to run with abandon to and with the One Who loves me with abandon.
So, thank you for allowing me to safely vent. As much as I am humiliated at how hard I made this process, I’m thankful that God has allowed it. He cares so much for me that He allowed me to walk this path for my heart (cardia) healing.
This is the cross He has given me to bear. It’s heavy and seems unbearable. But isn’t that what a cross is supposed to be? However, even Jesus couldn’t bear His own cross the entire way to His death. And He knew what was on the other side of death!! So I start my journey on this path with this unwieldy, unyielding cross alongside my brothers and sisters in Christ who are bearing their own crosses. And when my cross gets too heavy, I can turn to them, the body of Christ, and ask for help with the load. And thank God they will help me bear it! And then, when they stumble on their journey, I can help them carry their cross. This is my new beginning.
He gives, He takes. But I will choose to say, “Blessed be the name of the Lord!!”
Carol
This was such a good article for me to run across, especially right before Mother’s day! My husband and I were married for 8 1/2 years, before we found out I was pregnant with my daughter, we had a complicated birth, but have a wonderful healthy princess. After her birth, I had nine miscarriages, nine babies that woke up with Jesus and not with me. I then had a healthy baby boy, and eighteen months after his birth, gave birth to my third baby boy. I had my tenth miscarriage two months ago, making me a mom of 13. Ten in heaven, three on earth. I have days that are a real emotional struggle, but do understand that my Joy is in Christ, and He has a plan for us all.
Kari
I am really having a hard time understanding God’s plan for me right now. My story is a bit different in that my husband and I spent most of our 30s not really feeling the call to have children. We didn’t get married until I was 31 and then we spent a lot of time building our home and careers and getting on with life.
At the ripe old age of 38, I did feel God move my heart to have children. By this time, given my age, we felt IVF would be the route for us. So, off we went to the clinic. The doctor told us that being older there would be risks, but that our tests looked good and there was no medical reason we shouldn’t try. So we did, and I got pregnant the first go round! I thought surely this is God’s plan for me, that although I was late in the game, it wasn’t too late. Well, six weeks later, tragedy struck and we lost our little “Bellybean” to miscarriage. I was devastated, but unbowed. God had a plan for me and I was going to follow through. So, we did a second round. Nothing. By this time, our money supply was done. No more IVF. We produced sixteen embryos in all (Sixteen!) and none of them was viable except the one that I lost.
That was almost seven years ago. And today I sit here typing this just as devastated, if not moreso, than I was then. I have turned 47. There will be no miracle baby for us. My only baby is an angel baby. I am crushed beyond measure. I just feel such regret and guilt. If only we had started sooner. If only we had tried natural vs. IVF. If only my baby had lived. If only … I hate those words.
I spent much of the past seven years being angry at God. My parents are religious and I argued with them about what kind of God would do this to people who were only trying to do the right thing the way they thought best. Why would God take my baby? There are no answers.
I am trying to change my view, however. I realize that God must have had a plan for our child that did not involve being with us on this earth. I am trying to be more mindful of the scripture and let it work into my heart. But I will admit that it is excruciating when your only child is an angel.
I fear for our future without children. Who will help us as we age? Who will hold our hand as we pass from this earth? When one of us goes before the other, who will console the one who is left? What will become of them? I am asking the Father to comfort and guide me, but so far, all I feel is intense pain and sadness. And I feel for my poor parents who would have made such excellent grandparents. I guess I am paying a hefty price for not being more proactive. I am so sorry that I failed.
Sorry to be running on, but it really is miserable. I send sincere sympathies to everyone who is dealing with this. Blessings and peace to you.
Erin
Kari, my heart breaks for you, and I am so sorry for all you’ve been through. No one can minimize this pain. It is real and it is hard, and you are right to grieve and ask questions. I pray that God will give you peace and hope today. I know our lives never turn out like we can imagine, but my prayer is that He will help you to see some beauty in yours. I am so, so sorry for your extreme loss.
Monica a Carling
I lost my sweet daughter on her due date and have had three other pregnancy losses in both the first and second trimesters. I can tell you to please just be there for them and do acknowledge the baby. The words are hard to come by, so just listen as the mourning mother speaks.
Erin
I am so very sorry for your losses. Thank you for sharing!
Martina
As a mother who has 4 gone before, 9 precious ones here and 24 weeks along (and still have not heard a heartbeat though baby is moving but just recently heard of a baby born without a heart) my advice would be – share. If you have a new baby let your friend claim it. A friend of mine and I had babies less than a month apart. Then we were due again just over a month apart. I had even written the poem she used to announce they were expecting again as some in her family were not going to be happy and she wanted to quiet their comments before they started by letting them know how happy they were. She lost hers at 12 weeks. I didn’t know I was expecting yet and when I found out I didn’t know how to tell her. But she was so excited and had to be involved in my pregnancy. When my baby was born I never got to hold her at church or anytime we were together. She was my first girl and I didn’t have any girl things really. She got out her baby clothes from her daughter who also her first girl and dressed my baby in her baby clothes insisting I keep some of them. She also was the one that caught that my little girl’s forehead was crooked and pointed it out in time to take her to the chiropractor and get her adjusted. Fast forward 3 years later. I had my first miscarriage the day my friend’s baby was born. I gave the blanket I had crocheted for my baby to her little boy. I held him and loved him and it was so healing. But also realize that maybe a mother who has lost her baby may need sometime to heal and don’t push your babies on them. Realize we may be jealous. My friend who had her baby the day I lost mine. A few months later thought she was expecting again and I was in on the conversation when she told her sister-in-law (also my friend) how relieved she was that she wasn’t. It hurt so bad.
I later was sharing with another of her sisters-in-law about my hurt. She had lost 2 and almost bled to death with the first. It was so comforting to talk with someone who understood. A few years later the same friend suffered 3 miscarriages in a row. And who did she turn to for comfort? Someone who understood, me. I reached out to her though we had moved far away and I heard through the grapevine about. Her first loss. I sent her the poems and articles that I had received comfort from. Name your baby. It makes it so much easier to talk about them if they have a name. I wrote a poem about each of the ones we lost and it made it easy to share with others about what happened. We also had a funeral just us and our children for each of ours except the last. She was early enough along that there was nothing to bury. I want to close with a poem I love. Someone gave it to my Mom when she my youngest brother and I remembered it and made her dig it out of her archives.
A Baby’s Secret
I’m just a little baby,
Who didn’t quite make it there
I went straight to be with Jesus
But I’m waiting for you here.
Don’t you fret about me, Mother
I’m of all God’s Lambs most blest
I’d have loved to stay here with you
But the Shepherd knows what’s best.
Many dwell where I live
Waited years to enter in
Struggled through a world of sorrow
And their lives were marred with sin.
So sweet Mother don’t you sorrow
Wipe those tears and chase the gloom
I went straight to Jesus’ bosom
From my lovely mother’s womb.
Thank you for the life you gave me
It was brief but don’t complain
I have all of Heaven’s glory
Suffered none of earth’s sharp pain.
Thank you for the life you gave me
I’d have loved to bring it fame
But if I’d lingered in earth’s shadows
Might instead have brought it shame.
I’ll be waiting for you, Mother
You and Daddy, Bro and Sis
I’ll be with you then forever
And will give you all a kiss.
Maria
I had an early miscarriage, at least I’m pretty sure. I mean, I can never know for sure. I was waiting for my period and more than two weeks later I was wondering if I could be pregnant. I started imagening being pregnant and I really loved the thought of that. I really wanted a baby. I never got to take a pregnancy test because then, at 6-7 weeks, I started bleeding. At first I thought it was just my period. But then there was so much blood and it hurt more than usual. And in the middle of the blood and “stuff” there was this little thing on the paper… I just felt there would be a tiny little baby inside so I stared at it with horror, flushed it and completely denied that I could have been pregnant. But it was a frightening experience because, really, I felt like I lost a baby right there. Even though it was that early.
I think that if there are some things I don’t want to hear from people who try to be understanding or give advice it is this: Don’t worry you weren’t very far along so it was hardly a baby yet – To me it is a baby as soon as I’m pregnant. It doesn’t help to be told how far along I was. It doesn’t make me feel better. But I haven’t heard this one a lot. What I’ve mostly heard is that I propably wasn’t even pregnant. It doesn’t comfort me at all. It feels like I’m denied to think so. I know it is said to comfort me. There’s a chance I didn’t lose anything. But when I know that they can’t know anything about it, it just irritates me and makes me feel misunderstood.
What I need to be told is simply something like this “I’m sorry that happened to you. If there was a baby, then that baby is safe with God now up in Heaven and one day you’ll get to meet him or her.”
It is many years ago now and I have three children now (here on earth). But I still wonder if I have a tiny baby in Heaven. I don’t talk to people about it because I don’t want to hear their comments or see their faces that clearly say: “I have no idea how to react so I’m just gonna sit here in awkward silence until you change the subject.” But I can feel that I would like to share it some more. Many of my friends don’t even know about it. I still wish I knew for sure. I think not knowing is the worst. I wish I had taken that test.
Danielle Johnson
I found this post by looking for answers. I just went through a miscarriage at 4 weeks 5 days on Saturday. I have been so upset and wondering if my baby went to Heaven even though it didn’t have a heartbeat yet. I have decided to believe that yes, it was living – just not on it’s own. I’ll always miss my baby and what could have been. I decided not to gender it so it’s just my baby, named Little Bean.
Dell
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