Do you know anyone who deals with food allergies? Ever wondered how to really help? Here are some helpful tips.
Image by Dollar Photo Club
By Jessica, Contributing Writer
It’s been almost six years since my son (through a series of scary events) was diagnosed with food allergies. For a long time, I kept getting this thought: you should write a blog post to tell people what it’s like to deal with food allergies.
I kept getting this nudge over and over, but I was so afraid of what might happen if I was really honest, if I was clear about what we helps us and causes us stress. Honestly, I thought people would think I was a complete neurotic loony-bin. I was sure I’d be written off for my completely unreal expectations. I thought we’d never be invited over for dinner again.
But (gingerly, cautiously) I wrote it. And the weirdest thing happened.
People liked it. Not just the “other allergy people” but all the people. So many kind friends, real life and many I’d never met, telling me, “thank you. Now I see.”
And really, I shouldn’t have been so afraid. You hear those stories about irate classroom mothers demanding, How in the world will I make a lunch WITHOUT PEANUT BUTTER?? But, actually, my story has been quite the opposite. I have been overwhelmed with people washing hands “just in case,” rounding up all kinds of substitutes, calling me to ask, “Is this safe for Sam?”
I have realized that while most people do not understand what it is like to have food allergies, they want to. They want to.
If you have a family member, neighbor, or friend who deals with food allergies in their home, today I’m sharing with you how you can love that family. And I want to assure you – these acts are not small to us allergy people. When you love those of us with allergies (especially if it’s our children!), when you take (extra, inconvenient) steps to keep us safe, you are showing us the best kind of love. These little things matter to us.
Image by Jessica Smartt
Here’s how to love an allergy family:
- Ask them how careful you need to be. (I know … Almost too obvious?) But when it doesn’t matter if your child only has cursory interactions with theirs in Sunday School, or they want to spend every waking moment together, begin by asking the question, “How can I keep your child safe?” (And it’s never too late, by the way!) I always feel a huge gush of relief when a friend says, “So how serious are Sam’s allergies? Should we not bring ________ around him?” This is a terrific starting point.
- Be gracious if we turn you down for social things. We have our own weird phobias and triggers that may or may not make sense to you. You may never understand why I cringe at those indoor-romping houses. (Ack! All the peanut residue everywhere!) It may not make logical sense why my heart rate accelerates when I see the words “potluck dinner.” (Why, oh why, must every casserole be smothered in cheese?) But some things, I have learned, are not worth the risk to us. Please, be kind, be gracious, be forgiving, if we feel uneasy with a particular outing and choose not to come.
- As much as you can, keep the offending foods away from us. I wish I could say this another way. I wish that I didn’t have to say it. But it is 100% true. My sister, when we get together for dinner, feeds her little ones plain chili, with no fun cheesy toppings, just to keep my Sam a little bit safer. Thank you, Jenny. All those play dates where I hear, “No, honey, we’re not having the yogurt right now. How about a banana?” I just want to cry. And say, thank you.
- Wash your hands before visiting with us. Just a very little bit of peanut butter, or flour, or melted ice cream, if it gets on the skin, can cause a reaction. (Yes, this has happened to us.) Washing hands prior to seeing us is often a simple but very effective way to keep people with allergies safe.
- Know that we may not eat the food you made (or brought), even if it seems safe to you. Many things seem safe, but may not be. I know what happens if a knife isn’t cleaned properly. Now, I am unfortunately aware of the fact that a carton of sorbet may have ice cream mixed in and cause facial swelling and hives. I know that sometimes there are random, hidden names for milk. I’ve learned how to make just about anything without dairy, eggs, or nuts. There are only a small handful of people alive on this earth that I trust to feed my Sam. And that’s just the way it is.
- Help us feel normal. I know that might seem silly in light of my other unusual and special requests. But really and truly, we just want to be normal. To feel like we are like you. I love when I see Sam, and his whole Sunday school class, eating their little gluten-free pretzels. I love seeing him play soccer, run at the park, and just. be. normal. Even when it might be work, keep inviting us, working to include us. We notice, and we are grateful.
Julie
Excellent! I only started having problems last year, so far I’ve only had a reaction to dairy, but there are 4 other foods that I could react to. It seems that the reaction I get when I mention my allergy is “oh, you’re lactose intollerant?”. I have to respond, nope, allergic. So far everyone at home, work and church has been gracious and trys to work with me on this.
I guess, the only thing I would probably add is for others to understand that there is a difference between intolerance (can have it, but causes discomfort, mild reactions) vs. allergic (can’t have it, can’t touch it, could potentially put one in the hospital or worse).
Katie
Thank you for this post!! Our son has dairy, egg and nut allergies, so I completely related and appreciated this blog post! Awareness is so important.
Momof3
Yes, yes, yes! I seriously feel like I could have written this post. At school today I visited my child with allergies and there was a little guy next to her who had just spilled yogurt AND ice cream on the table and a little girl across who also dripped ice cream. I almost had a panic attack right there.
I think I would add that to understand that we aren’t trying to be complicated or difficult, but we are vigilant. Please understand that it’s life or death or rashes or asthma attacks and we really don’t want any more of that.
Sarah Koontz {Grounded & Surrounded}
Jessica, thank you for sharing your story without fear. Yeah…you are a bit nutty…but with good reason 😉 I suffer from food allergies, but mine are not life threatening. I know how stressful it can be for me, and I cannot comprehend how difficult it would be to watch your child suffer with allergies (that are far more severe than my own). I agree that the most difficult thing is when people try really hard to make something you can eat, yet you don’t feel it is safe.
I have gotten sick far too many times, I just can’t risk 3 days of pain to eat something that may or may not have gluten in it. It means the world to me when people try, even if they don’t get it quite right….at least they are trying…
Francis D
Both of my sister’s in law are gluten intolerant and one of them is allergic to propylene glycol and has dairy allergies. When they come for a visit I try very hard to make things that are gluten free and easy for them to eat. I’ve got coconut flour and coconut oil in my cupboard so that I know when they come for a visit I can make a meal and dessert that tastes not only tastes good but is safe for them to eat as well. I am very lactose intolerant (my reactions get worse as I get older) so I can definitely understand the difficulties one must face having a food allergy.
Molly
Thank you!
Chris Maybin
My sister is gluten intolerant and I am allergic to cows milk. She thought she had it tough going out to eat until we went together. At one restaurant, she had quiet a number of items to choice from , I had one. Most places cater for gluten free diets now. Very few for milk or other allergies.
Chritina
I love this post! My oldest daughter is dealing with what is believed to be food allergies we still haven’t completely ruled out other causes for her symptoms! It’s made it very difficult for myself to feed her yet alone trust anyone else to feed her! This has been made even more complicated by the fact that her doctor is a three hour drive from where we live meaning we do have to eat out!
We live in a relatively small area and have few choices as to where to shop for the foods required by her new lifestyle. This has made for huge stress levels on my part and a few break downs while shopping! Then there is the reality that there four other mouths to feed and one of which refuses to give up some of the foods that my oldest daughter has to avoid! I’m constantly worried about cross contamination!
Knowing I’m not the only one helps!
McKayla Strauss
Thanks for putting this up! I imagine I’ll be in a pretty similar situation pretty soon. My son may have some food allergies, but I haven’t had my suspicions confirmed just yet. If that turns out to be the case, it’ll definitely be an adjustment. I had only really been thinking of how family meals would change, and not so much about social interactions with other people. It’s nice to have at least some idea of the changes that I may have to make if he actually does have food allergies!
Melissa
Fabulous way to put it! I am 21 years old with a server tree nut allergy and still encounter all of these issues you listed. If everyone could be more aware and think of these small things that make a HUGE impact it would make life a lot easier. Thank you SO much for writing this because it so important to spread awareness to people who haven’t ever had allergies.
Melissa
Such a great read! I am 21 years old with a server tree nut allergy and still have issues that could be avoided if more people knew about these few small things that can make a HUGE difference in a person that lives with allergies life. All people should read this to be more aware and in some cases save a life. Allergies are serious. People who have never had an allergic reaction don’t always understand but spreading this around to people to inform them will help so much. Thank you SO much for writing this, I know first hand how hard it is to speak up so thank you!
Melissa G.
I might add, “Suggest meeting or getting together around non-eating activities. We love meeting at the park, catching a movie, or having a play date that is not all about food. Then he can feel safe and normal, enjoy your family’s company, and then go home to eat where he feels safe.”
Another I might add is, “Thanks for understanding that he doesn’t always want all the adults talking about his food allergies as if he’s not in the room. When he’s around, he just wants to feel the same as everyone else and is listening closely to how we respond. When we say, “Oh gosh, that must be so hard.” Or we use the word “suffers from food allergies,” my son told me he feels like a burden or like he should feel scared. We tell him this is a fact of life and he “manages food allergies.”
My friends and family have been extremely supportive and amazing with our family too. So thankful for increased awareness and overall kindness of other we’ve experienced!
Erin
Great ideas! Thanks for sharing!