Do you ever struggle with getting angry at your children? Asking forgiveness can help heal the wounds of anger!
Note from Erin: Will is really transparent in this post. He is not the only one who struggles with anger. There have been too many times that I, too, have lost my cool with our precious girls. We both ask our girls to forgive us when we mess up. What’s neat is to watch them modeling this asking forgiveness with each other now as well!
By Will Odom, Contributing Writer (and Erin’s hubby!)
Today has been one of those days. And unfortunately, it hasn’t been the only one.
It’s been a day where I’ve lost my cool with my kids.
A day where I have lost my self-control.
Where I raised my voice beyond reason and yelled severely.
It’s been one of those days that dads don’t like to talk about or share with one another.
It’s been a day where I got on my knees in front of my kids to apologize and ask their forgiveness.
As I knelt down, my daughter flinched.
My heart broke and tears brimmed my eyes. I had lost my cool so many times that she was expecting me to yell again.
Though I had not harmed her physically, the emotional scars were evident. While I may not have damaged her body, the emotional damage can be far worse.
What was I doing? What was I instilling in my children?
Healing the Wounds of Anger
I had sworn not to repeat the mistakes my own dad had made.
Yet, here I was, allowing my anger to get the best of me and control my actions. Doing the very thing I did not want to do.
And here I am now…putting it out there, and I’m willing to bet that I’m not alone. At least, I hope that I’m not alone in this struggle.
It is not something that men like to discuss, so it’s not easy to share. It’s quite often a secret sin among men (and women). But it’s something we need to discuss. From many open conversations I’ve had with other men, it’s an epidemic we need to deal with.
(I know many women may struggle as well, but I am focusing on dads because…well…I’m a dad.)
Anger is one of the most destructive forces in a home. It eats you from the inside and burns whatever it touches (Proverbs 30:33 and Psalm 37:8).
Is it OK to be angry?
Now that’s not to say that there are not times and reasons to be angry.
Even Jesus himself was angry when he dealt with the uber-legalistic religious leaders and turned over the tables in the temples (Mark 3:1-6 and Luke 19:41-48 ).
Certain injustices should make us angry, but that is a righteous anger that longs to see a wrong be righted.
It is a grievous anger that is directed toward an issue that breaks our hearts.
Disobedience in our children should bother us, but it’s how we handle it that matters. Am I getting to the heart of the issue or just emotionally attacking my child?
It is an anger that longs to see change or to solve a problem. It does not wish malice or harm to a person. Ephesians 4:26 speaks to this when it says, “Be angry and do not sin.”
How can we deal with anger?
I confess that this is something I am working on, but I have been greatly convicted in this area lately.
I have been trying to focus on being “slow to speak, slow to anger” (James 1:19-21) as well as focusing on my patience (Proverbs 14:29) and understanding of the situation.
What does that look like for me?
Well, sometimes it involves me leaving the room for a few minutes or sending my daughter to her room for a few minutes so that I can calm down and think rationally about the situation instead of reacting in emotion.
Like Proverbs says, anger can make us behave and act foolishly (Proverbs 14:17).
Other times, I need to stop and pray for wisdom on how to handle the circumstances and talk through appropriate discipline with my wife.
I need to focus on the words that I choose and be intentional with them. After all, gracious words are like honey, sweet to the soul and health to the body (Proverbs 16:24).
I want to discipline (and disciple) my child so she learns something and not just punish her. That requires me to exhibit the Fruit of the Spirit.
Just in general, removing myself from the problem to collect my thoughts and regroup tends to be the best strategy for me.
Sometimes it is hard to catch yourself before the fuse blows, but it is definitely a conscious choice to not let my anger control me (Ephesians 4:31).
In his book Losing it: A Christian Parent’s Guide to Overcoming Anger, Luke Gilkerson gives a 4-step action plan to give hope for real change when dealing with anger.
It involves keeping a record of when you find yourself getting angry to identify triggers and choosing a “mental break” verse to work through during those times.
If you are not a person of faith, then perhaps you could use another way to refocus your mind.
Crystal Paine in her post “How I Stopped Yelling at My Kids” suggests wearing something to remind yourself to remember love instead of anger.
In a followup post, she gives “9 Practical Ways to Yell Less and Love More.”
Lastly, if it is something that is destroying you or your home, then please seek professional help. Don’t allow your pride to keep you from dealing with an issue that is so dangerous and self-explosive.
What happens when I blow it?
Inevitably we are going to blow it as parents. It happens. We are going to make mistakes. We say and do things that we regret.
Anger can often blind us to the pain we cause.
However, what we do with those situations speaks volumes to our children.
Do I just blow it off? Bury it? Forget about it? Or do I seek genuine forgiveness?
It is very humbling to kneel before your child, look into their eyes, and ask their forgiveness when you do mess up, but we also know the power that forgiveness holds.
True, it may not completely erase the damage done, but it can begin a healing process that will redeem the situation and allow you and your child to start over and rebuild.
It is an absolute necessity for restoration.
I have heard many adults talk about how their parents messed up, but what stood out to them the most were the moments of reconciliation and forgiveness…not the mistakes.
In addition, it models forgiveness to our children. There will be plenty of opportunities to model it.
We need to show our kids what it looks like to ask forgiveness and to give it because they will need to ask it of others at some point. Forgiveness is such a beautiful gift.
When you blow it, don’t beat yourself up or wallow in the guilt. Take ownership of your actions and take the appropriate steps toward restoration.
I have found that children are much more forgiving that most adults. While asking forgiveness is hard and humbling, it is worth it. And those simple words can unlock a renewed relationship.
Resources
Here are a few resources that I would recommend for further reading.
Dealing with Anger
Losing it: A Christian Parent’s Guide to Overcoming Anger (paperback)
Losing it: A Christian Parent’s Guide to Overcoming Anger (ebook-pdf)
Anger & Stress Management God’s Way
Uprooting Anger: Biblical Help for a Common Problem
General Parenting
National Center for Biblical Parenting
Barry
Will, I applaud you for writing about this. It is something I think most dads (including myself) struggle with. I truly appreciate your openness and encouragement on a subject that I need plenty of encouragement on.
Will
Thanks Barry! I appreciate support. It was not easy to write. I’ve had it in my head for a while.
Keelie Reason
It can be so hard to not yell at your kids. We are working on that around here too. They just push us to a point that we lose it. I love the scripture that you have in here. Definitely great reminders.
Will
Yes, Keelie, It definitely can. I hope the scripture helps. It’s what keeps me going.
Aimee
Way to tackle a very tough subject. Thank you for being honest about it – the struggle is real.
Taylah Behrend
Awesome post. Of all your blogs I think this has probably been my favourite. Keep up the good work
Christan
This struggle is all to real. After being in a verbally abusive marriage for 14 years I found myself yelling at my children more than I should about things I didn’t need to be yelling about. I had to learn how to put away my pride and admit to my children when I am wrong and to truly seek their forgiveness. When you refuse to change the pattern it can ruin a family. My marriage ended in divorce after 14 years and our 4 children are still recovering from these hurtful words and yelling they had to deal with for so long.
I was fortunate enough to have God bring back an amazing patient man to my past from about 20 years ago. My children are now being raised by a father figure who is patient, loving, kind, and understanding & doesn’t raise his voice for anything and seeks peace as much as possible, but will still stand up for what is right, what is true and what is good.
The children’s father is finally working harder on his temper, his anger. But he has a long road to restore those precious 4 little precious relationships that turned out to be the most important ones of his life.
Thank you for sharing this post and these scriptures with us. We can all stand to “Be slow to speak and quick to listen”, and never forget to ask forgiveness of your children for your anger outbursts after you ask forgiveness from our Father in heaven
Tanya
I’m an older mom now – my daughters 31 and 25 – and I yelled a lot! I was a single mom, I had no support from their dad or any of my family, I was truly alone in raising my girls. I was barely getting by, working full-time, nearly homeless twice, and going to school when they got older. I had NOTHING left to deal with children acting up and my oldest was a difficult child – because she was hurting! I have so much shame and so much guilt for the yelling and cussing I did when my girls were growing up. I remember a counselor telling me to take time away, but I felt too guilty – I felt guilty that they had no dad and I was all they had, so how could I possibly work 40 hours a week and then leave them with a sitter to have a break??? But, it would have been so helpful and I would have been a better mom. And I give my situation as a reason I was just so tired and snappy, but please be clear – it is NOT an excuse! I am ultimately responsible for my actions! I should have taken anger control classes, parenting classes, been in counseling – something! And now that my girls are older and both suffering from anxiety, I know I contributed to their wounds, and I feel immense shame and guilt! And I have apologized 100x over, but you cannot undo what is done. As for apologizing, it is absolutely imperative that you take responsibility for your actions! There isn’t an excuse. But here’s the thing….if you apologize, then continue doing it, you’re teaching your children to accept emotional abuse if the person just apologizes. And yelling and screaming at kids – is emotional abuse. Look at women of domestic violence – they return over and over and over because the man apologizes, so they forgive and go back. To apologize and continue teaches kids it’s ok and normal for someone to hurt them over and over if all they do is apologize. Be very careful about that!!!! It’s not ok and it’s not normal. I know parenting is the HARDEST thing you will ever do, but get help if you feel you cannot control your temper as a parent! Your kids are counting on you to get it right! And the shame and guilt I carry I wouldn’t wish on anybody! Blessings moms! Be well. Take care of yourselves!