Check out these tips for genuinely connecting with your spouse in an over-connected world!
The other night, as I was working on this very blog post, my husband sent me a text message from our bed (I was downstairs):
“Are you coming to bed?”
My response: “After I finish this post.”
“What’s it about?” he texted back.
“Connecting with your spouse in an over-connected world,” I responded.
Oh the irony!
And then it hit me that working on this post after he was already in bed was hindering our connectedness! Ouch!
I shut the computer and went to bed.
Making connections has never been easier than it is today.
Yet, making real, authentic, deep connections has never been harder.
We communicate more than ever, but we seem to be saying less.
I’m not writing this post today as a marriage expert or as someone who hasn’t struggled in this area. Rather, I am writing to you as someone who still, to do this day, struggles to connect with my spouse in an over-connected world!
But I’m working on it, and we’ve decided to share some things with you that we hope to do to connect better in 2015.
1. Learn his personality.
My husband laughs at me, but thanks to my friend Megan, I’ve become quite the Myers-Briggs personality test addict.
But, really, knowing your spouse’s personality can help you understand him and connect to him better!
My husband, for example, is an ESTJ, while I am almost the complete opposite–an ENFP. There will be times when I think that my husband is not being as emotionally connected, when it really is just that his personality is not as feelings-related as I am. And there will also be times when he thinks I am being too emotional. Knowing that my feelings are closely tied to my personality helps him understand me as well.
2. Learn his love language.
This is so important and one that I allowed to frustrate me–instead of help me–for years.
My husband and I read The Five Love Languages and even attended both a class and conference based on the concept early in our marriage. The theory is that everyone has a primary and secondary love language, and they best feel and accept and give love through these languages.
The languages are physical touch, gifts, words of affirmation, quality time, and acts of service.
My husband and I have opposite love languages! Mine are words of affirmation and physical touch, while his are gifts and acts of service.
It takes a lot of creativity and thought into making sure the other one feels loved based on his love language and not your own! But in the same token, it’s easy to overlook when the other one is showing love in his or her own way.
For example, in the past, it wasn’t a big deal to me to receive a gift from my husband because gifts are at the bottom of the list when it comes to my love language. But now I look at it as: “Hey! He is really showing me how much he loves me with this gift!”
3. Get him a real card.
Since words are my love language, I love it when someone writes me something encouraging or gives me a heartfelt card that I can read over and over again.
Yes, today’s technology has made it easy to just send a quick eCard, and that is OK sometimes. I do it, too, and electronic greetings are especially good for when there is a time crunch or you’ve simply forgotten a special occasion until it’s there or if you have a super tight budget.
But there is nothing like receiving a special card in the mail–a card you can hold in your hands, save, and re-read.
My grandmother was the first person to send me a card after I got married, and when she passed away last month, one of the first things I did was go to a memory box and look for the cards she had lovingly sent me over the years.
If you need help finding a store with great cards, you can check out the Hallmark store locator. This website also includes card samples, which makes it a little easier to pick out the card once you get to the store!
(Want to encourage others to share a card with their spouses? Post a pic of the card you picked out with the hashtag #PutYourHeartToPaper on Instagram or Twitter!)
4. Go to bed at the same time.
This is a tough one, especially since I’m a work-at-home mom who has had the habit of working at night, after our girls are in bed, for over four years now!
But, as my husband and I have worked toward having more daylight “office hours” in place, this year is the time for me to break this habit, so my husband and I can go to bed at the same time more frequently.
This goes both ways. My husband is a self-proclaimed night owl, and when he is off for holidays and other vacation time, he enjoys staying up very late at night.
When one of us goes to bed and is asleep hours before the other one, it’s really hard to connect.
5. Go to bed earlier.
I recently told a mentor of mine that I think going to bed earlier would solve all of my problems!
Truly, getting more sleep would help me have more energy to be a better wife, mom, homemaker, and business owner during the day!
If both of us go to bed at the same time–and earlier than we normally do–it also affords us more time to connect with each other before we drift off to sleep.
6. Have more sex!
I admit that I am pretty embarrassed to even write this, but I think it’s important! (Plus, I have three children who all look just like me and my husband. I think you all know what goes on behind closed doors!)
Our marriage has not always been easy, but I have definitely seen that connecting sexually has brought us closer together.
I don’t think there can be a hard and fast rule for just how often couples should have sex. There are life seasons, work schedules, and different drive levels, etc. that can impact this.
But the most important thing is to get on the same page as your spouse and make it happen. My husband and I have made a goal to increase our frequency this year.
For some people, that might be upping it to twice per month, and, for others, it might be that you need to have sex twice per day.
There is a whole chapter in the book Trim Healthy Mama that speaks to the health benefits of more frequent sex–about two or three times per week. This chapter was very eye opening for me and gives more reasons for sex than just connecting deeply with your spouse!
7. Put away the computer.
This is a huge challenge for work-at-home entrepreneurs like my husband and me, but it’s really vital.
So many times, my husband and I will just pull out our laptops after the girls go to bed because it’s habit.
We’ve been discussing the need for putting more boundaries around our computer time this year.
I love that my friend Leigh Ann and her husband have assigned themselves several “no computer” nights each week. My friend Kelly and her husband have established a similar rule as well.
8. Turn off the phones.
Again, guilty as charged!
There has been so much written about putting down the smart phones to connect with your kids, but what about doing it to connect with your husbands?
Another friend recently admitted that she and her husband will be in the bed together while they are both scrolling through their Facebook feeds instead of connecting to each other.
I think this issue is more common than not. My husband has had to ask me before to put away my smart phone while we were on date nights!
We want to make a concerted effort to put away the phones more often this year.
9. Sit together on the couch.
You might laugh at this one–especially if you sit together already all the time!
But my husband has his favorite recliner that we’ve had since we got married. That is what he usually sits in to watch movies, etc., while I lie on the couch.
This year, we are making it a point to sit together on the couch more often, which will open up the doors for more physical touch.
10. Get away together as often as possible–and unplug.
It is not feasible for all couples to get away together–sans kids–for a weekend, but if you do have the finances and childcare, I think this would be a very worthy investment in your marriage!
My husband and I went years with barely making ends meet, but, thankfully, we were able to still take a babymoon during each pregnancy. It was a sacrifice, but we felt it was worth it!
Now that we have three young children, we do not want to burden my parents with too long of overnight trips, so we have made it a goal to try to go away somewhere together for just one night about once per quarter. We will go no longer than one hour away, so we can get away but still be accessible to our children.
If you cannot afford a hotel or bed and breakfast for the night, why not see if someone you trust will keep your children in their home, so the two of you can at least have the house all to yourselves?
Just as I like to give myself a personal retreat , I think it’s important to retreat with your spouse. My husband and I did this technology-free for the first time this past summer. We went without computers, and I turned off my smart phone. I had not felt that relaxed in a really long time!
One of my goals for 2015 is to connect more deeply with others, period–not just with my spouse. My 2014 was a year where my online community felt crowded and my real-life community felt lacking. I want that to change.
What are your tips for connecting with your spouse in an over-connected world? Don’t forget to post your Valentine’s Day gifts and cards on Instagram or Twitter, using the hashtag #PutYourHeartToPaper!
Disclosure: This post was sponsored by Hallmark via Cafe Mom. Thank you for supporting this site!
Lisa @ This Pilgrim Life
Erin, this is really great advice. My husband works from home so we see a lot of each other, but we definitely still need to be intentional about really connecting with one another– more than small talk amongst our kids during meals. I like to write at night too, but I often don’t start until he’s going to bed so that when we are together I can be on the couch with him either reading together or watching a movie together. So I have to find a good balance between taking advantage of what is often the quietest time of the day, and still choosing a shared bedtime with him a few nights a week.
I really appreciate what you shared about the importance of sex, too. I’ve written a whole post about it (yeah, embarrassment factor) because I think it too often goes without saying how essential it is to marriage. Physical intimacy is almost always one of the best ways for us to reconnect when we feel distant or things feel strained for whatever reason. And that’s interesting about there being health benefits. That certainly makes sense.
As always, thanks for writing such a helpful, encouraging post!
Erin
Thanks so much for sharing, Lisa! The things we bloggers will write about! 😉 LOL I just hope it encourages others!
wendi
Yes! So many great things.
Liz
Thank you so much for this post, it was very timely and you have very good points! Without kids to regulate our schedule we often find ourselves taking much needed “alone” or “screen” time instead of spending time together. This weekend we went to visit friends an hour away and had such a great conversation in the car. I think it was because we finally had time to just sit together without screens, chores, and work exhaustion being present. We know we need to prioritize it but we just haven’t. We used to have “no cell phone” dates and we would limit our screen time per week but we both just admitted yesterday that neither of us REALLY wants to enforce it. But we need to in order to remain truly married and not just roommates.
Erin
It is so easy to fall into the “roommate” trap! I know I’ve been there! Glad you enjoyed the post!
Melissa
My husband also had “his recliner” and it drove me nuts. I didn’t begrudge him his own comfortable seat after a long day at work, but a. I hated that it took up so much real estate in our already small loving room. But, more importantly, I hated that whole we were relaxing I was usually staring at the side/back of his head hating that there was no connection sitting like this. Thankfully that old chair bit the dust earlier this winter! We did purchase another recliner for him…..but after looking around we found a dual reclining couch! It takes up less space that that horrid recliner and I’m happy as can be that we can either have our own space, or cuddle up together on one side. It’s really the best of both options for us, as he gets his comfortable chair, and I can cuddle up with my honeybear instead of staring at the back of his head!
Erin
This recliner story made me laugh, but it’s so true! Hmmmm…his should need replacing soon. This has me thinking! 😉
Lisa @ This Pilgrim Life
My husband used to have his recliner in our small living room too. I totally know what you mean about wanting to let him have it but not loving it just the same. My husband’s recliner was old and blue and definitely did not match or fit well in the room. We’ve since moved it into his office (actually I moved it while he was out one day!) and we were given a dual reclining couch as well. It really is so much nicer! Glad you now have the best of both worlds!
Keelie Reason
I completely agree about going to bed together. Otherwise, I have no idea how spontaneous sex occurs. I totally agree with putting away the computers and phones too. These things are so consuming to our lives. We do need to learn to be in the hear and now.
Thanks so much for addressing this for couples. I know that many people need to read this. I often wonder what the next generation of relationships will be like since all they know is text based communication and avoid phone conversations.
Erin
I wonder and worry for our next generation as well. 🙁
Melody Maynard
I have really been trying to limit my screen time lately.My husband doesn’t mind that I love the Internet, since he really loves his TV shows, but we are trying to take more time to connect with each other apart from our screens.Today just happens to be our six month “anniversary”, and we have learned so much about each other’s personalities. I haven’t had him take the love languages test yet, but I’m almost certain that our love languages are opposite as well. Wonderful reminder!
Erin
I have heard of many couples have opposite love languages! I guess opposites really do attract!
Viviane Forbes
Hi Erin,
I really enjoyed this article. It was great advice. I would add to it by suggesting NO tv in the bedroom. When we didn’t have one we would lay and talk and spend quality time together. When we put a tv in the mix we quit talking and began falling asleep watching tv. We recently moved and no longer have one in our room and we have reconnected
Erin
That is such a great tip, Viviane! We had a TV in our bedroom when we were newly-weds, but we haven’t in the past 6 years, and I don’t think I ever want to go back!
Tammy
You have covered the most common barriers to improving communication and connection between spouses. Both my husband and I have struggled with this. The truth is, technology has been good and bad. It has decreased the personal connection and closeness with people.
Thank you for posting this!
Erin
I agree it’s both good and bad…so hard to balance!
Sarah Koontz {Grounded & Surrounded}
I believe that going to bed at the same time has made our marriage. Seriously, I am amazed at how many couples are on different sleep schedules! We are NO TYPICAL in the fact that we generally put the kids to bed, then immediately crawl into bed ourselves (yes, often before 8pm). We snuggle, talk, watch tv, and relax until 10pm when we go to sleep (EVERY NIGHT). I push so hard to get work done during the day, so I am ready to unplug and relax with my man. There is NOTHING more important than this time together each and every day.
Erin
I love how you have prioritized this, Sarah! This is a great example!
Awmeme
Erin,
Love this article…it can be applied to couples of all ages whether you have kids or not. My hubby and I do not. Because of health issues I have end up spending a lot of time apart. Two things that I find that helps us reconnect are 1. When I feel well enough to go grocery shopping, even though its the weekend so it tends to be busy, he comes with me. We have that forced unplugged time in the car and the stores. Normally we’ll splurge a little bit on our monthly Costco trip and get something there for lunch. For most of our married life we’ve lived paycheck to paycheck but that $1.50 lunch/dinner date was and still is a blast for us. Even though thankfully we have been able to loosen our belts lately and later this month for the first time in our marriage we will have a little extra money to do something on our anniversary if we want. 2. I know this one may sound silly but when I watch tv (Netflix, amazon prime) I also am usually playing a game on my computer. So if my hubby comes in to talk to me I try to pause my game and whatever I’m watching. So that I’m really listening and focused on him. So often I find that if I don’t do this my focus is on a million other things not where it should be on him. It’s something I struggle with and have to work on everyday. My poor hubby when I first started doing this thought I was annoyed with him for interrupting my show or whatever and would dejectedly say oh go back to your show…its a little better now…I got out of the habit for a while and just started doing this intentionally again recently. Anyways I would have to explain that I was doing it so I could focus on him. He never has said much in response but always gets a twinkle in his eye and an extra bounce in his step when I tell him this. I really encourage everyone no matter what is distracting your focus. When your spouse is trying to talk to you even if its just about a bill or a silly little story try to really focus on them…who knows might make some extra sparks fly too! 😀
Erin
Thanks so much for sharing, Awmeme! That is so neat that you go grocery shopping together ad make a date of it!
Awmeme
Oh one other thing and this one also may seem silly to some but for us its a blast. We love kids but due to my health issues can’t have any, all of our nephews live 16+ hours away so we don’t get to spend time with them either. We are new to the area we live in now so don’t really have any friends here yet. However in other places we’ve been most couples our age will have kids. We kind of adopt these families as our own. The other couple gets a date night/day for free and we get an excuse to go to the park for picnic or the $1 movies plus the kiddos get to do something fun and special too. It usually turns out to be fun and special time for everyone.
Awmeme
Just doing this so I can read others comments I keep forgetting to check that box
Erin
That is so awesome and SO needed!!!
Whitney Caves
Hey Erin, I really like what you’ve written here. I am a licensed counselor with a Christian private practice, and I am always trying to tell couples how it’s better to stay connected now than trying to reconnect after the kids have grown up and moved away! I really enjoy reading your blog. If you get a minute check out mine at whitneycavescounseling.blogspot.com. I’m super new to blogging, but I’m working on it!
Erin
Thanks so much, Whitney! Congrats on your new site!
Sarah
My husband was in an accident 2 yrs ago and broke his back so our sex life is DOA. It’s hard to stay connected when you can’t use the bonding tool sex
Erin
Oh I’m so sorry, Sarah! 🙁
Awmeme
There are other things you can do to be intimate when you can’t have sex. Trust me I know this because of health issues…so unfortunately we have never been able to have a normal sex life. Man my face is beat red just typing that.
Erin
LOL–thanks for sharing! It’s true, though!
Heather @ My Overflowing Cup
Learning one another’s love languages is such a great help in any marriage.
We don’t have too much of a problem with going to bed at the same time, but we do need to work on going to bed earlier. Sufficient sleep is so important and knowing when to step away from working is challenging for both of us.
Unplugging is so important so that we can just focus on each other. Sex is really, really important, too. Thanks for the advice, Erin! I couldn’t agree more.
Erin
Thanks, Heather!
Kristen Smith
Oh, we are also very guilty with some of these. With five children in the home, we often get so little quiet. By the end of the day, sometimes we just want to enjoy silence! But we need to connect, and spacing out into our phones or computers doesn’t do that.
In a couple of weeks we are taking our longest trip away from four of our children (the littlest has to come along to nurse). Though it is a business trip for me, there will be some free time for us, and we are SO excited about that!