Are you trying to make your child wear deodorant … or make your sons and daughters do other basic daily tasks?
Guest Post by Marianne Miller
Yes, it’s true. Sometimes my sons smell. “What kind of mother can’t make her kids wear deodorant?” you ask. This kind. Me. I refuse.
My logic is simple. I wear deodorant. I don’t smell. I have told each of my four sons, after my first whiff of them, usually around age eleven, that deodorant was invented to stop that smell.
I buy deodorant. I talk about changes in their bodies at this age. I gently remind them for a few months. And then my work is finished.
Can I “make” them wear it? Sure. I could remind, cajole, nag until they stomp into the bathroom and half-heartedly make a swift swipe under each pit. But what does that really accomplish? Will we do the same dance the next day? Probably.
We are raising kids in a culture where our child is too often seen as a direct reflection of our ability to parent. If my child is getting straight A’s, then I must be an “A+” parent. If my child is polite and well groomed, then I’m Rock Star Mom.
The problem this creates is that, if I’m not careful, I can obsess over my child’s grades (calling teachers, checking online grades, hovering over homework) making them more mine than theirs, robbing my child of independence and a sense of accomplishment. I can obsess about their appearance because of how it represents our family.
No, I want my children to wear deodorant and brush their teeth and comb their hair because that is what’s best for THEM, not me. I want to be confident enough in myself to send my tween-age child to school with bad breath or a three-inch cowlick in his hair because he has not yet embraced social norms.
At this age, kids are searching for who they are apart from their parents. If we push too hard, they simply can push back harder.
Let’s get practical about what this sounds like and what message our words send.
Image by Pixabay
Stinky breath
“Your breath stinks. Go upstairs and brush your teeth.”
“Did you brush?”
“Don’t forget to brush.”
“When are you going to start remembering to brush on your own?” Then repeat with increasing disgust every morning of the week.
Child thinks:
- “Mom’s in charge of my body.”
- “She nags all the time.”
- “She thinks I’m not capable.”
- “Why can’t I do what I want with my own teeth?”
Alternatives:
- “You might not realize this but your breath stinks. You may want to brush again if you don’t want to go to school like that.” (Assumption that child already brushed, even though he probably didn’t, sends the message that you find him capable. Child is given a choice.)
- “No Pop-Tart today because you haven’t been brushing. At your age I’m certainly not going to make you brush, but I’d be irresponsible if I kept giving you sugar. Let me know when you decide to start brushing.” (Child is empowered and Mom draws boundaries.)
- “I need you to do some jobs around the house to pay off that cavity. You’ll figure this brushing thing out.” (Child is capable but parent uses natural consequences to motivate.)
- “Do you need my help remembering to brush? I usually do it right when I wake up so I don’t forget.” (Child makes decision to brush. Parent offers help if needed. )
- “Please don’t get so close to me when you talk because your breath stinks from not brushing well enough.” (Parent draws a personal boundary. Child can choose how to respond.)
Image by Pixabay
Body odor
“Why do I have to keep telling you about deodorant?”
“You are old enough now to do this on your own. Why do I have to keep nagging?”
“Did you remember deodorant?”
Child:
- Doesn’t have to ever remember because the parent will always remind them.
- Feels picked on.
- Will count on this dance to engage his parents if he or she is not receiving much positive interaction.
Alternatives:
- “You understand that deodorant takes away that smell right?” (Parent provides information. Child is empowered to decide.)
- “I’m not sure if you knew this but you smell a little. Happens to me sometimes on long days. You may want to reapply your deodorant.”
- “If you are not going to wear deodorant, I need you to roll down the window when we’re in the car together.” (Parent draws personal boundaries.)
- “It’s not really fair to other people to smell like that, so pay attention to how they respond when you are close to them. You’ll figure this out.”
Oh, sometimes I can’t resist the urge to toss out a rogue comment like, “Hey, you still have enough deodorant, right?” The child smiles and gets my subtle message. By not nagging or stepping into places that should be theirs to own, I maintain a positive, healthy relationship with each of my sons.
I am not the enemy, the Smell Police. I’m simply the one who loves them unconditionally, smell and all, and the one who has a ton of wisdom that could benefit them now and in the future—if I keep the relationship strong.
Stop nagging. Stop being frustrated. Have the courage and tenacity to walk alongside your kids, nurturing and encouraging them as they figure out who they are apart from you—smell and all.
Image by Bossfight
Are you trying to make your child wear deodorant? What are you managing for your kids that they could be managing on their own?
Marianne Miller is mom to four teen sons (who all now brush their teeth and wear deodorant), a certified parenting instructor, blogger, middle school teacher, and author of The Gift of Enough: Raising Grateful Kids in a Culture of Excess.
Rebecca
This was great!!! I have a pre-teen in my house, too, and I need more reminders on how to parent this age lovingly. We now have a host of new challenges facing, and many of our conversation topics make me cringe inside. It’s so important to approach all the changes with positivity, since our reaction is their first impression on how we will deal with this new phase of life together. Thank you!
Lal
Jeeze this must be for the emotionally stable child because mine is in denial. When you mention it kindly she will say I do not smell your crazy. Ugh….I was finally forced to police my child after the school complained, of course they are all crazy too in her mind but deep down inside she just can’t stand to be wrong. I remember being that age, I just wish she would choose something else a little less stinky to be ‘right’ about.
Phylicia
When I first saw the title of this, I thought “What?!” and was so curious I clicked on it – so glad I did! While we are a long way off (expecting our first) I love how you rephrased the issue to put the responsibility on the child. My parents actually did this with teeth brushing (which was a big issue in our house, haha). The funniest instance was when I was 13 and STILL had not brushed my teeth before leaving the house. My dad left me in the car, went into house, drilled a hole in my tooth brush and hung it on a string like a necklace – and I had to wear it outside the house. “You do want to get married someday, don’t you?” He would say. “Just so you know, guys don’t like it when girls have bad breath.” I started brushing my teeth from then on. 🙂 Never had a cavity, either! Love gives boundaries, and I see that looking back.
Marianne Miller
Such a great story!
Dawn @ Reveal Natural Health
Hi Marianne! I enjoyed reading this. I am not quite there yet but I’m really, really close. My son is 9 now.
It was especially fun for me to read this article because I was at one of your workshops at Hearts at Home this past March. I could practically hear you saying these words. It is nice to have this reminder to modify what I say, from nagging to giving my kids more control (and the opportunity to make their own positive choices).
Marianne Miller
Thanks for your comments! I got everybody else all stirred up about not forcing the hygiene issue. We have more power with our actions and their acceptance then we ever have with nagging.
Becky
I have 4 sons, 3 of which are teens, and 3 daughters, 1 is 21. I have never nagged my kids, but when I tell them to do something, they do it. I usually love your parenting posts, but I didn’t “get” this one. Hygiene is important and in my opinion, not optional. Have you ever volunteered at a middle school or high school? Have you witnessed students being avoided by not only other students, but teachers as well because of body oder? I have. It is sad because it could be avoided so easily. I dont know, I guess I just missed the point here.
Marianne Marianne
Sometimes kids don’t just have to be told once. They need more powerful direction. I have one son who learned things the easy way. Tell him once and he’s got it. The point of the blog is to empower parents to find a way that is stronger than daily reminders. It’s about stepping back so they can step forward. I taught middle school for over a decade and would not feel badly for the child who was told about deodorant, was bought deodorant, but still was figuring out if he needed it. These guys catch on and usually faster with consequences than with parents owning it. :-).
Christine Hoffman
I agree with Becky. My grandson is moving on to fifth grade. But, while a fourth grade student, his teacher came up to him in class one day and quietly thanked him for wearing deodorant and a little bit of scented spray. He was not in the least embarrassed. He plays basketball and HE can’t even stand the way he smells sometimes. I have three grandchildren in or approaching the “tween” stage. If they are going to hang out around me, they will use proper hygiene. Their mothers agree. My youngest daughter (now almost 40 and a mother of 2) started wearing deodorant at the age of 9. Her decision.
marianne Miller
It’s great that your daughter has you to help add the motivation for her kids. I call that “villaging” because it takes a village. Some kids sure are easy and others use this as their power play. Stepping back to allow them to take ownership sends the message that they are capable. My four sons learned so much faster once I told them I was not going to be the stink police. Have faith.
Keelie Reason
I think these are great ideas on how to get your kids to remember to take care of themselves. We won’t always be there to remind them of what to do. It is best to make them take responsibility, and be ok if they don’t.
Kristina
I’ve been making my own deodorant for years and my son’s will be using it when the funk arrives!
Christine Hoffman
I also agree with Keelie in that ultimately, it becomes the responsibility of the child to routinely care for their own body. My daughter bought some small containers in the $1 section at Target. She put the assorted daily grooming products (travel sizes in some cases) on the bathroom countertop. There is a set of two containers because of the other budding tween in the home. So, after showering and getting ready for the day, their tooth brush, toothpaste and deoderant are right there as a “soft”reminder. No nagging necessary! ! The older brother, 10, has a travel size can of Axe body spray for special days I guess 🙂
marianne Miller
LOVE when it can be this easy!!!!
Elizabeth
If said child was spanked a couple of times (where they really feel it) they would remember and you would not have to nag. No, I do not believe in child abuse but I do believe in spankings. The bible says spare the rod and spoil the child. No, I do not like spanking my children but it is a necessity. I do not get over involved in my child’s grade but come on, their personal hygiene is a reflection of parenting skills and will effect how others treat them/social standing. I think leaving it up the child is lazy parenting.
callie
wow, spanking over personal hygiene. I find it odd that adults find it abusive to use physical violence with one another but find it completely acceptable to hit a child to “teach” them. Adults really should know better so it seems it would be acceptable to slap one another if we does something intentionally wrong or lack in hygiene maybe? I mean why not?
Linda
How refreshing! Consequences of poor choices can be the best teachers and motivators to make better choices. Seems there’s a whole generation of parents who haven’t yet learned this sage wisdom. Hope your post is read and applied far and wide. Parent on!
marianne Miller
Actually, I think the majority prefer to stay involved. They can. I was done! Kids mature faster when we give them our confidence in their handling things. Thanks for the encouragement.
Christa Upton
Love this!!!!! Also, the Bible NOWHERE says, “Thou shalt wear deodorant; thou shalt not stink” and a lot of other things people think are “absolutely necessary.” The Bible DOES say to be kind, compassionate, etc…. Seriously, who would we rather be around–a kind, stinky person or a nasty, nice-smelling person? (Not that they have to be mutually exclusive. LOL But still, priorities….) And your points are so well taken, including about the huge temptation to do things to “appear as a good parent” rather than for the good of the children!!!!
Another point (not to detract from your main point, which is awesome)–most deodorants are full of awful chemicals. I didn’t understand this until I got extremely severe Toxic Injury (TI) about 7 years ago. (Not that one can get Toxic Injury JUST from deodorant, though. LOL) There are alternative deodorants that are much more natural, of course, but there is a slight possibility that some youth reject chemical-filled deodorant because they have a natural, “instinctual” feeling it’s not good for them. MANY years before I got Toxic Injury, I could hardly bear to put bug spray or sunscreen on myself or take certain vitamins. Looking back, I think I had that instinct because I have many hereditary markers for propensity toward Toxic Injury, and now ALL these things (including traditional vitamins) make me horribly sick.
Anyway, I just wanted to come back to the point–great article. Thank you!!!!
marianne Miller
Very interesting. Thanks for sharing!
Heather @ My Overflowing Cup
Love this post, Marianne!
There is such wisdom in stepping back and allowing our kids to learn and grow on their own and apart from us. Thanks for reminding us of the importance of this as well as the reminder that the words we choose speak volumes to our children between the lines.
Great post! Thanks for allowing her to share here, Erin!
marianne Miller
We have such power well beyond reminders. I always felt powerless then I reminded and reminded. Giving it to them made us BOTH more powerful. Thanks for commenting!
Kathy Jackson
A child is not born to be independent. The purpose of parenting is to TRAIN the child to be independent. I agree that the “arguments” are futile, but the “rules” (including the basic rules of hygiene) should be given as a requirement, not as a choice.
Kata Tonic
In our family, deodorant was kind of a rite of passage into adulthood. We got to choose our own, which really made it more fun. So you see, we did have a choice. Hygiene wasn’t optional, it was mandatory, but little things like picking your own soaps, shampoos, and other personal hygiene products actually made us feel more grown up and more capable in making our own choices.
Erin
I love the idea of letting them pick out their own! Great tip!
Molly
I’m not trying to be a jerk here but how is telling a kid to roll down the windows because he smells not demeaning and mean? Personally, I’d rather be nagged than demeaned like that. Would it be acceptable if your husband or an adult sibling said that to you? How would you respond if the same child said that to you?
Erin
Good point! This was a guest post, so I am not sure how she would respond.
Angela
That is a good point. I’m sure there are nicer ways to handle it.
Jenelle
Agreed. I’m sorry but a lot of her responses sounded mean and given in the wrong tone of voice, could be extremely damaging. I actually like the idea of letting go of the deodorant struggle and letting them own it, but some of her suggested remarks just left me feeling like she was being mean about it.
Angela
This is SO GOOD!!! I have 3 girls, but I feel like you’ve been in my house! Lol! Thank you for encouraging me to teach her real responsibility.
April
I enjoyed this post, I like reading about all the different ways to parent (for future reference of course, my son is 8 months old ;-). However I found the examples of what to say to be lacking, demeaning really. I think tone is very important; perception is important. Kids don’t always know how to read between the lines, especially if they are super sensitive (like me). I think most of those should be rephrased. It’s not enough to just not nag. I can only imagine how much that would make me cry if someone said just one of those phrases to me! My mother never nagged me about hygiene, even though I wasn’t the best for a while, all my brothers and I figured it out. I think because I’m the youngest of 4 she must have realized by that point which battles are more important 🙂
christine
I really love this approach, my 3 kids are 6, 8,9 so we are not really at the deodorant stage yet but my oldest daughter who is 9 gives me grief EVERY TIME it is time to shower. maybe ill try this approach… but seriously she prolly wouldn’t get a shower for like 2 weeks and would care a bit…………..
Sabrina
Thank you!! I have two sons who both stink – don’t wear deodorant, don’t brush teeth, don’t shower, barely brush their long hair (long long)…..unless I nag them and I know that’s the main descriptive of my relationship with my 14 year old – I’m a nagger. It hurts – I just don’t want to see him picked on – I know I need to step back and as I am preparing for the new week I have decided to have one reminder to both of them (the other is 11) about personal hygiene and then let them be. I will draw the line at new clothes though – they will both stay in the same clothes for days!! Even now during school!! How do people with lots of kids even manage?!? I have four kids but just these two middle boys are the ones who don’t seem to care at all about their bodies….praying letting them go on their own will work for us all. You hit the nail right on the head – I feel judged over my kids’ appearances and capabilities – I also don’t want anyone to think they are neglected in any form. I will step back and have a more positive relationship with them. Thanks again for the help and hope
Lawdy
This is absurd. They’re children. Parent them and make sure they’re not the stinky kid at school. That’s a lifelong label. I still remember the stinky kid. I can’t handle passive parenting.