Here is a heart-felt letter from a foster adoptive parent. May it encourage other adoptive or foster moms in their unique challenges as parents!
I received this heartfelt letter from an anonymous reader the other day, and I asked her if I could publish it to the site. I hope this letter is both encouraging and convicting–and will build empathy. These are words that must be shared.
Much love and grace,
~Erin
In case you ever wondered…
Precious life was added to my family this year but not one congratulations was issued. Instead of a baby shower and well wishers I was greeted with paperwork, prying questions, and weekly investigations. Even my own friends gave me blank stares and offered up what little wisdom they could-usually in the form of a horror story from a friend in my situation.
Although I’ve entered motherhood in every sense of the term, my children do not call me mom – I’ve not yet earned that title. That term is reserved for the woman who horribly abused them. It is I who pay for her sins on a daily basis in my effort to help heal their wounds – the wounds she inflicted. Still, they cry for her, it’s her they miss.
After a year of making more sacrifices than most mothers to care for my broken children, still they tell me their hearts are only half as full as they were before – with their father. Their father who spent his days so strung out on drugs and alcohol he didn’t know they were there. The same father who can’t even keep appointments to come visit them. All my effort and sacrifice cannot measure up to him in their minds. It is I who pays for his sins.
I pay for sins that are not mine in the face of society. My eldest, if I’d given birth to her would have made me a teenage mother. I bear that stigma everywhere with frowns and sideways glances. It is especially bad at church where I’m the youngest woman there with a child in elementary school. Most women my age are in the nursery commenting on how much their kids look like them or their spouse.
I’ve had to listen to my husband being called a saint for taking in all of my children… Yes, my children are older than my marriage. I’ve been asked how many have the same father, even been asked if I “have figured out what causes this yet.”
From my own family I’ve had my children referred to as “not really ours.” I’ve been asked repeatedly why my body is unable to produce a “real” child.
I’ve heard it suggested to me that my infertility is a sign that I’m not meant to be a mother. I’ve been criticized for my decision not to pursue expensive medical treatments, been cautioned that these children will make me miserable -that they will suck joy of parenting out of my life.
In case you ever wondered what it was like to follow Christ’s leading against the mainstream this is the picture I have for you. I am daily reminded of His ultimate sacrifice as I too learn to pay for the sins of others, sins I never committed. I learn to heal the damage done by those who are still loved more than me. I learn to fly in the face of society, and even my family, as I struggle under the weight of their judgments. In the end I know a joy far fuller than any parent ever has. The joy of knowing I am faithfully following the will of Him who created, and sustains me through impossibly deep waters. For me, the baby shower and congratulations will only happen on the other side of heaven but what joy it will be!
Your Sister in Christ,
– An Adoptive Parent
Erica W
Thank you for posting this letter. It is a story that that is real for most every adoptive parent and needs to be shared. Our family as well is formed through adoption. I often get stares because my daughter’s skin color does not match ours. I get rude questions about why I chose to adopt a “foreign baby” in the line at the grocery store. I’ve been asked if I’m her “real” mommy (yes, I am!) or if I can have children of my own (she is “my own”). We, too, did not get the normal new baby treatment or congratulations.
But it’s ok. We’ve learned that a graceful answer is turns away criticism. Not everyone has to understand our choices or reasoning. Not everyone understands the pain of infertility, and that makes me grateful. For us, though, God’s greatest gift has been this precious girl from Taiwan, and we will do whatever it takes to make sure she knows her identity is in Christ.
My heart aches for the momma in this letter. I will pray that the hearts of her sweet children will be softened and that the Lord will give her grace and love for them beyond her own abilities. We are all in this together!
TeriG
There’s a lesson that all adults (including me) need to learn– and that is, don’t judge a book by its cover. I was a single adoptive parent, and when we applied to a local Christian private school, I wrote a “n/a” when it came to the Fathers Name. In our interview, the admissions director turned to me, with glasses half cast, and said “you don’t know who the father is?” I replied no since my daughter was adopted (& had she reviewed the app first, she would have seen that). At first, I was taken back that I would be accused of not knowing, but later gave her grace since, after all, we were Christians. But here I was, an old mother (45 yrs at that time), and single that didn’t know her daughters father. I figured of people were going to look at me differently, let them. Not too surprised though, people were very surprised that she was adopted, and I met one of my best friends (another older mom) that first year. We don’t become adoptive parents for any ones benefit other than our child’s. But when you see something that’s a little different, be slow to judge. There’s a good chance you don’t know the whole story.
Elizabeth
Thank you for the letter, I’m a single older mom of adopted daughter. I struggle daily to fit in with other mom’s. I would just like to say, yes I choose this life and I love her with all my heart but I still struggle sometimes more then they will ever know.
Veronica
Such a heartfelt testimony. . . brought tears to my eyes.
Jennifer DeFrates
Becoming a mother isn’t always a 1+1 journey for everyone. God was in your family planning as much as he was in anyone else’s . I have two stepsons and an adopted daughter. And a desire to follow Jesus in my life and for my family. These are links to the blog entries about my struggle to become a mother. http://heavennotharvard.com/2014/03/27/seriously-harvard/ http://heavennotharvard.com/2014/05/11/mothers-day/
Leah
Jesus loved the broken and outcasts. And you, dear mama, are stronger than me. I don’t think I could ever do what you do. You deserve nothing but honor and respect.
I’m heartbroken for you about the comments that have been said to you.
You don’t have to give birth to be a mother.
Regina
Oh how my heart breaks for this momma. I wish I could sit with her and let her talk, and let her cry those tears that soothe our souls from within. I hurt for her and yearn to sit with her, because I’ve been her. 4 years ago, after 4 years of trying to conceive, I was told it wouldn’t happen. Not without expensive treatments that my husband and I couldn’t afford. My husband being adopted himself, and me always having a heart for that, we decided to go that route. It was quicker than we planned. We had planned to conceive a child or two before adopting, but as we all know, life doesn’t often follow our plan. So we contacted an agency about adopting, they talked us into fostering to adopt, and that’s what we did. Our first two little angels looked nothing like us. When we were out as a family, people stared. They stared at me the most. And had looks of awe towards my husband. Clearly, in their minds, my husband was the saint who had taken in me and my two children that I had conceived by another man. The oldest was older than our marriage so of course, they knew what that must mean. It was always so frustrating. So hurtful.
And there was no baby shower when we got them. There was no “yay, welcome to parenthood”. Nothing like that. Instead there were questions, glares, and stares. People never knew how to act around us. In fact, we lost friends over it. I’d like to say I understand, but I don’t. But I don’t mourn the loss of the friendships. It hurts to know I was so disposable, but I mourn instead for their lost sense of compassion, grace, understanding.
Our first two little angels were broken as well, just as the author of the letter says about hers. We tried to heal the wounds of their former lives with no other tools than love, compassion, grace, and a whole lot of laughter. And those first two little angels were not our forever angels. They stayed for less than a year, when they were adopted by relatives. We took a few months off and then welcomed our first forever angel into our home. He too, looks nothing like us. But I stopped caring about that. Since then we’ve welcomed two more forever angels into our home bringing our total up to a whopping 3 little boys. Life is busy and our hearts are full. There was still never a shower. But at least with these little ones (in a new town for us), people here brought gifts of diapers, goods, and money. It was thoughtful and kind, and very appreciated.
I understand you, momma in the letter. We’ve had to grieve and mourn the loss of a “normal conception”. No maternity pics, no baby showers. And definitely no 9 months of preparing for a baby. Because for us, we would get a call and have a baby in 1-3 days. I understand you momma in the letter. I hear you, and I hurt with you. But hang in there. We may not be the mommas we had dreamed of, but I believe we’re being made into something more and something far better.
Sincerely & with love and compassion,
Another foster-adoptive momma <3
Shavonne
I thankyou for posting this story , I can say I feel your pain I adopted 2 girls they were 5 and 9 at the time . I too am paying for Thier parents sins and sometimes I honestly ask the question God did I do the right thing ? The youngest doesn’t remember her mom but my oldest do and the love wow but I know that God will see me through so I continue to press but it’s really hard sometimes . Thankyou again for posting.
Allison B
Blessings to you and your family, and thank you for giving your children a better life. Your role may be thankless, but it isn’t unnoticed.
Bethany
Thank you for posting this. I am a foster parent to two girls and a biological mom to three. I read this post in tears because this is so similar to my life right now. I do pay for the sins of my daughters’ parents and it is hard and ugly and so messy on a daily basis. But God is one who heals broken hearts and gaping wounds and I can only pray for this for my children. Every day of my parenting is a reminder of how God adopted us into His family. And how much grace he bestows on us when we least deserve it! I am so grateful to be able to give my girls a safe home and a family that they can trust and depend on.
Heather
There is a family at our church made up of two biological children and nine special needs adopted children. Two of the children are on feeding tubes, at least one in a wheel chair and many with down syndrome. She is hailed as a saint.
I also know of a few families. Who adopted “regular” children. They are not talked about openly, but instead with gossip and rumer. It is sad that we act that way.
I have two biological children, but we always wanted four. I’ve been told that if I try to have another biological baby that it will kill me. We have talked about adoption when our kids are a little older. We have learned not to mention that to friends and family. I was shocked at the amount of negativity we received.
Sarah @The Teacher's Wife
Wow! There are no words really….what a beautiful testimony of love and sacrifice. I’m so thankful there are brave mothers out there willing to adopt foster kids b/c the need is so great!
Stephanie
Wow, I am shocked and a bit horrified to hear that this family or any other has been treated with such disrespect. I have always had the utmost respect for foster and adoptive parents for opening their hearts and homes to children who were not originally theirs. I am not normally niave, but I guess I thought others felt the same as I did. I want to apologize on the behalf of anyone who has not been kind about the family that God has given you to care for.
Rachel
Dear Mom,
I love you. Thank you.
I’m adopted. I was adopted by my parents out of foster care where I was because I was removed from my bio by the state of Indiana because of neglect. I was 3 when I was adopted. My mom missed out on seeing me and holding me as a baby. It was a rift that she could never overcome. We have at times had a strained relationship, but let me offer up this one jewel of hope for you. My Mom and my Dad are my Mom and my Dad. I love them so much. We have a very special bond because our bond goes beyond blood. They chose me and I chose them when I gave over myself to be their daughter. I pray God will heal your children emotionally, physically, and mentally so they may give themselves over to your love as much as you have given up your heart to them.
As to everyone’s else. I pray God will open their eyes too the truth of love and adoption. If they will, They will better understand God’s love for us as He offers us place in His family as adopted sons and daughters.
I also urge you to share specifically this offering to your children. I remember reading Ephesians and knowing how blessed I am to have been chosen by God- and doubly blessed that my parents could also choose me.
There is also a great book… I forget the title but it is about being born of the mother’s heart.
God chose you to be the mother of these children. He knew when He created your reproductive system that these specific children would be born for you. Their parents have free will, but He knew that they would need you. That’s how I feel about my parents. God knew. He chose them to be my parents. He knows what He is doing. It’s great that you remind others of this.
Again,
Thank you.
Rhonda Lampton
Thanks for the encouraging post. There are unique challenges for sure in adoption relationships…but there are MORE unique blessings too!
Jen
Wow, what an amazing comment post. We have a 7 year old foster son that we are in the process of adopting, and I hope and pray that one day he will feel the same way you do. Thank you for sharing your amazing thoughts and feelings on your situation.
Rachel
My husband and I also adopted out of foster care. The questions asked (did you get to pick one who looks like you?) and the accusations made (did you adopt to avoid loosing your figure?) are different, but I very much relate to your heart.
Thanks for writing this. And thanks for following God’s call on your life.
Cheryl
I too understand where this foster/adoptive parent is coming from. I don’t know why people ask the questions they do. I guess it’s out of ignorance. I was adopted. I have the same color of skin as my adoptive parents. I was in every treated as if I were there biological child. My husband and I were told we would never have children. We adopted 3 children all from different families. These beautiful children do not share the same skin color as my husband and I. We welcomed them into our lives, our home, they became our beautiful family. Not all of our extended family accepts our children. But that is their loss. I look forward to the day our children marry and make me a grandma. Their children will truly be my grandchildren. I love the family we have made and I love being their mother. By the way, doctors are not always right. Before our third adoption was final, we found out we were expecting.
Kris Simonsen
I am not a foster parent, nor have I adopted children. But I have worked at Juvenile Hall and a children’s shelter and know how difficult it is to parent a child that has been removed from their “home” because of neglect or abuse. The older the child, the more difficult it is – it is not uncommon for the child to sabotage the placement just to prove that the foster parent is really not committed. God bless you who give so generously of your hearts to these wounded children – who are precious in His sight!
Chris
I just want to say thank you for choosing to adopt! I have been adopted at the age of 16, and i understand the feelings of being in foster care, and as well as the struggles of feeling part of the family after adoption as well. I praise the Lord for allowing people to desire to grow their family by reaching out to orphans and giving them hope of a forever family. Learning what it means to be adopted into a family, has made a huge difference in my relationship with Jesus Christ, knowing that we have been adopted by our Heavenly Father first. It has enforced the concept of a family that will not give up on someone even though they have done something wrong. I appreciate foster families that strive to show their children what it means to love, not because you are getting something in return, but because you want to give it to others. I have been in houses as a foster child where it was all about the dollar, and because the focus was money, it was displayed to us that we were just a commodity, that if someone gets tired of, can change them in for an upgrade, one with less hassle, less baggage, easier. Through my years in foster care, bad behaviour was always dealt in the manner that we had to pack our bags, i remember being 7-9 and the many times that i had all my belongings in black garbage bags, not sure if this was really going to be the straw that broke the camels back, and that i would be asked to leave. To look back at the situation i was in, it is only by God’s grace that I have been allowed to follow Him, to encourage others, to give Him all the glory despite the hardships of abuse, both phyiscally and sexually from a very young age. So all this to say THANKS, YOU HAVE MADE A DIFFERENCE IN THE LIVES OF YOUR CHILDREN!!!!! God Bless
Sonja
This is an excellent post! I love your heart to see beyond what others see, to help these children heal and find love they´ve never known.
My parents are missionaries, and specialize in the area of training foster/adoptive parents how to parent with an understanding of the trauma that children have gone through. They train throughout the US, Canada, India, Ukraine, Kygryzstan, Russia and others.
Growing up I ALWAYS had foster brothers and sisters, and I have one adopted sister (whom was adopted at 13 years old.)
I pray God´s abundant blessing and wisdom over you and your family – and you are MOM, whether they use the term or not.
Love and hugs to you!
Chelsea
Wow! This was amazing, beautiful and heartbreaking to read! I had no idea that families who adopted were treated this way. I just spent time to read all of the comments as well as the testimony. It seems to be the norm for people to be asked rude obnoxious questions. How terrible. When did it become everyone else’s business?? I am so sorry to hear this. My heart goes out to you all.
Sandra
Thank you for sharing your story. We are a blended family of biological and adoptive children. I have not given birth to any children, however my heart has birthed each child that I have raised. My husband has 2 biological children and the other 5 were adopted. We had a great support system during our adoptions – baby showers, meals, etc. However, I have been asked two many times “But do you have REAL children?” We couldn’t have children so as many of you know that suffer from infertility, this is the most hurtful thing to be said. My children are ALL my real children. They all have two mothers and two fathers. We openly talk about their biological parents.
So please, people out there be respectful of any family. Be careful how you word things. Most adoptive families would love to answer questions, so don’t stare, just ask! Remember in your asking how you would feel if you were being judged or questioned. Be encouraging and supportive. Don’t treat us like we are saints – we aren’t! I yell at my children on occasion, I serve them cereal for breakfast, and I forgot important things in their lives. BUT, I am their mama. I cuddle with them, pray for them, fear for them, feed them, encourage them, cheer them on, fix their owies, laugh with them, cry with them and live day to day with them. I may not have held them as infants, but God did. And yes, I love all my children the same!
Christen Kieffner
Oh my heart breaks! My husband and I are in the middle of training to Lord willing, because foster parents (we have biological children as well) and are learning that the children tend to view you as the problem and want their moms no matter what they did to them. I am excited and terrified to follow Christ in this.
I just wanted to give you a big virtual hug!! I have several friends that foster/adopt and see their struggles. I am thankful for our church that is supportive. Kingdom work is never easy, is it? 🙂
Jamie
If it’s any consolation, negativity can be just as strong when you have biological children. My husband and I had to wait to have children because of cervical cancer, so I am a little older than some. We have a 4 y/o, 2 y/o and a 6 week old. My husband is a retired Marine so we recently moved back to Va. to be near my family. I have not been given a baby shower for my kids. In fact when I was in the hospital a nurse came in with flowers amd balloons. I lit up! I was so excited to see who sent this gift only to see the pink balloons. The nurse had the wrong room. After she left I held my son and bawled. To this day only 2 people have seen my son. We used all of our savings to move here and just pay our month to month expenses. I really wish we had never moved near my family, that way I could still give them the excuse of distance. Right now we live day to day trying to figure out how to leave.
Jen
They sure are missing out on enjoying your precious little ones. So sad. Have you joined a church there? It could help to not be so isolated, to make friends with other moms. Hang in there! Congrats on their births!
stephanie
I just came across this blog. People can be heartless during all kinds of circumstances. Im sorry you were having such a horrible time when it should be a time of great joy. I hope things got better. Congrats on your children.
Terri White
Years ago we were Foster Parents we had 25 kids in total placed with us over a period of 6 years. My two sons were two of those kids placed with us. We adopted them and were blessed to be their parents. They are grown now doing well. We also have a foster daughter who lived with us at the same time who is in every way (except legally) our daughter. She has turned out well too! I am so proud of all three kids!
You will never regret the sacrifices you have made for your chosen children. You may miss things like having a baby shower and being included in things. But rest assured you will gain so much by being these children’s Mama. Keep your head held high and thank The Lord for your babies!
Charity
People are so heartless and cruel. It breaks my heart that it is often the Christians leading the charge to hurt one another. Bless you mamas. All of you.
Sarah
My husband and I were foster parents last year,I have been trying to become a Mom for over 5 years now and some friends of ours mentioned the foster to adopt program so we signed up. The first placement was temporary,the next 2 were too much for us since we were very inexperienced its a long story please don’t judge me. The next was a lovely 1 month old little girl,she would be with us for 5 weeks and then relatives stepped up and took her away.
Its almost been a year since we received her and a short time later will be the 1 year anniversary that I had to give her away. It still gets to me if I let it…and yeah maybe its silly for being so emotional over it I know lots of other woman have been thru similar pain. After she left we decided it was too much for us to handle and we withdrew our license.
Thru it all God had a plan though,my husband has lost his job and has been hospitlized with a medical condition had we still had foster kids it would not have worked out. I am 35 and he is 32 we are both young and we still have time to adopt or reapply who knows what God has for us all I know is it will be good=)
My encouragment to you is to keep looking to God for your strength,keep loving those sweet children whether they stay with you or not you and your husband are making an impact that will last a lifetime. I still have boughts of my inner voice saying “God must not have meant for you to be a mother” but its a lie. People may say things out of ignorance and not realizing this is a hard journey-rewarding but HARD. God Bless you and your family in all you do,may the peace and love of God reign in your hearts and your home and blossom in the hearts of your sweet children. Help them to know what has happened before is passed,it happened and you have to give it to God.
Honour their father and mother for who they are-good or bad-help them to accept the things they cannot change and look to God to heal all their wounds.
I also pray for your heart,may God bring renewed stength and love and peace.
Celebrate every day, I know every woman longs to feel life inside her and get the baby shower and support and well wishes and sometimes life does not give us these joys. All we can do is give our whole heart to God and let him lead the way.
I don’t know why God does what he does but I do know this- those super lucky kiddos could not have a better family. God Bless!!
Abbey
Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are an amazing woman for giving up so much and continuing to do so for children you sought out and chose to fall in love with. I love that you compared your story to that of the saviors. It put it in perspective for me that this is how he feels, when he takes us out of bad situations and all we can focus on is how mad we are that things have changed. I know that no sacrifice for another one of Gods children ever goes unnoticed. Your children will be grateful one day. Thank you for your example. I recently read this article where a woman shares her story of her trials and how she knows that when trials come God is asking us to lean on him for a while. Thank you again.
Abbey
http://www.reallifeanswers.org/challenges-in-life/enduring-trials-when-seem-beyond-our-capacity/
Jennifer @ GrowingUpTriplets.com
I don’t understand. How can people be *so* cruel? It’s helpful to hear how cutting our insensitive and thoughtless words can be!
I look forward to bringing some of our children home through adoption. I have many dear friends who have adopted and have celebrated with them by going to showers, taking meals and rejoicing in the newest addition to their family.
EVERY child is a gift from God no matter how they become a part of our families. <3
Heather @ My Overflowing Cup
As difficult as it is to grow a baby in the womb, give birth, nurse, and care for your own child, I believe that is a sacrifice we were designed by God to be able to do. To be able to take another’s child into your home and love them like your own, well, that is another level of sacrifice altogether. For the mother who wrote this, please know that there are those of us out there who not only respect you, but think that the love you offer to the children of others is far greater than the love we can offer our own. Because it goes against the grain. Because it is judged. I think that caring for the children out there who need and deserve to be loved by a wholesome family is so much harder than fighting for your right to have your own. I am not judging those who choose the fertility/medical route, I am just trying to give credit where credit is due. Thank you for doing what so many of us simply don’t. I commend you and I know your Father in heaven does, so stay strong, Mama! One day those children will know your value. Even if they don’t, God does. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Mary T
I just wanted to say thank you for your letter and for all you do for your children. I have been working with children for 33 years. Foster parents and adoptive parents are special parents…they take into their homes and their hearts children with broken hearts! May God bless you and all those who walk the path of our Lord, Jesus Christ, taking all children to Himself!
Nicole H
I am a foster parent and I can resonate with almost everything this mother has written. I am so glad there ARE stable, reliable, loving people willing to take in children who have been born into awful situations, so that they can know the real love of a family. I hope you dont mind if I repost this on my blog as well.
NiekoH
Can you post your blog website? Thanks.
Erin
This guest poster requested to remain anonymous. I’m sorry.
Stacey
As I sit and read this letter, I am touched and saddened by it at the same time. First of all, congratulations to this beautiful family who have sacrificed so much. God will bless you beyond measure. Secondly, I am disappointed in people who act so ignorantly. I shake my head when I hear stories such as this. Where is the compassion, the love, the understanding, the support, the shoulders to lean on these days? My prayers are with this family and and anyone who has had the honor and privilege to adopt/foster.
Betty
To all the above, there is a very special place in heaven for you when the time comes.
Brea
My husband and I adopted his autistic nephew who was headed for removal to foster care. I too am the youngest mom I know with a teen. My son is now the same age that I was when he was born, 14. He looks like my husband and I so no one asks if he is adopted but they sure give me the evil glare. I look young for my age and they can do the math in their heads. I gave up long ago explaining to every stranger that our oldest is adopted and that no, I am not old enough to have this many kids (we have 4 bio kids as well). I just let them think the worst of me and correct them when they assume I am his sister. My heart aches for this mama but I am also glad she wrote. I too had to come to grips with the fact that I would pay for mistakes that were not mine. I would pay the price and do the time. Those first months and years were hard, so very hard. I am glad that I am on the other side of those first struggles and our oldest is now such a blessing. We are not called to an easy life for Christ. Bless you Mama for loving on the least of these.
Alyssa Marie Thys
Wow. Those are some powerful words. That’s quite a picture of the love of Christ. Thanks for sharing!
Erin
I agree…so glad she shared.
Rene Hart
My husband and I adopted twin 9 yr old girls out of foster care 6 years ago. We knew they were for us the second we saw them on AdoptUSkids.com and God then, through many miracles, gave them to us through adoption! We love them as our own, no matter how they came to be our with our family. The first year was the worst year of my life. It was and still is the hardest thing I have every done; learning to be a parent for the first time and these foster girls learning to let go and accept us as their parents. It took that first year for us to break down and let go and only with God did we all make it through! It is hard to not have pictures of them when they were little as babies to show off to others and it is hard to hear them talk about their birth mom and other foster moms as if I am not good enough. Sometimes I feel like I am not a good mom to them and it saddens me. But then I just need to be reminded that what I do everyday in taking care of them, providing for them, being consistent and just being there for them and with them, is what being a good mom is. Thank you so much for all your words that you wrote, all of them is what I have felt over the years, it is so nice to know that I am not the only one who has gone through or thought these things. I just needed to be reminded that it ok to feel sad about some things I missed, but that God will bless us with other things instead since He had a plan for all our lives to become a family even before we knew each other. I also believe that God is still building on that plan each day, one day at a time!
Renee
So Sad for you! Although I grew up around my biological mom and dad, I was always in and out of Foster Care. When I was 13 years old I met finally met the people God had picked out to become my Mom and Dad. I wasn’t adopted until I was 16 years old though. I remember people asking why even bother since I was already 16, and that when by the time I get used to writing the my new last name I’d be getting married….. so I’d just have to change it again. I wanted to change my last name, because that was the last name of my Dad and Mom. It was very simple to me. I just turned 40 years old this year. I have been married to a wonderful man for almost 16 years, and we have 3 beautiful children. I have learned thru Jesus Christ loving me and forging all the sins I have done wrong to love and forgive the wrong of my birth parents. I still only have 1 Dad and Mom though!
So to the wonderful lady who wrote this letter….. please continue helping children!!! Until God tells you otherwise, or He leads you to that specific one…. Saying this one keep! I am soooo glad Dad and Mom didn’t listen to all the voices about me. Even their own parents had something to say about it, and believe me it wasn’t very nice. Hold your head high! Your doing the Lord’s Work!
Heidi Ferguson
As an adoptive parent this letter saddens me. I have my forever daughter with us for 2 years and there have been difficult times and times you want to cry your eyes out.
It would have been easy to look at my life prior to having my daughter in the home and think only of the sacrifice I was dealing with and all the things I was giving up, but I didn’t. I focused on my daughter and the things she was dealing with. What was she giving up? What loss was she dealing with? She now understood she would never see her birth mom again. Who was I to say you have to call me mom until the healing in her little heart was done. God did amazing things in my daughters life and she was thinking and healing most of the first year. Now we have an amazing relationship but it all take time, God’s time.
You adopt because you love the child, not for the party or to be call a saint.
Shannon
Thank you for this. I came across this post as my best friend is becoming a foster parent and we are considering it after our move to a new city next year. There is a lot of social media covering foster parents if you’re looking for it. Half of them are raising awareness of needs and helping others to understand what it will look like if you become a foster parent. The other half are look at me, I am like Jesus. Not, I chose to become a foster parent because I was called to do so by Jesus’ teachings, but look at my life to be more like Jesus.
Your words are kinder than mine.
Karen Stover
We are adoptive Grandparents of two delightful half siblings. Bio-mom is a Meth user and more or less homeless. We watch as our grandkid’s parents work hard to help them deal with and overcome the damage their bio-mom did to them. We are blessed to come along side to assist when asked but love the grandparenting roles we have. Parenting in general is not for sissies. Adoptive parenting can be extra challenging. Keep up the great work!!!
Tami
We have both biological and adopted children (from foster to adopt)…we have walked this road for almost 18 years…and it is exactly as described here. We KNOW we were led by God to do what we did and do daily. It often doesn’t make sense to others. They clearly are led in a different way and I only have to answer to God. In time, our family became more and more supportive and we definitely had/have friends who have been AMAZING in some really rough waters!! It is more typically those who are not close to us that just don’t get it. Those who take the time to invest in our family or a relationship with us do get it eventually even if they didn’t at first! I believe it is a calling, just like so many other callings that I could not even begin to fill because God has not asked of me nor prepared me for!
Dona
I am now on the grandparent side of adoption…all of our children…8 in all not counting our foster children, adopted and otherwise, are adults and parents,too. There were many times when they were growing up that I prefer to forget..bringing up other children with unfamiliar genes,habits formed in other environments, secrets that you cannot know, and ages that permit them to remember life before you, make every day a challenge to the most dedicated parents. The kids don’t always get along now, but they still come together for holidays. As parents we feel we have been successful since our kids all finished high school, have left home, and have made lives for themselves. Would we do it again? Yes. For all of you in the middle of it…hang in there and may God be by your side.
Adoptive Mom
We adopted from foster care, too. Our beautiful angel came into our lives a week shy of her 7th birthday. We were her 5th foster home in under a year. Her crimes? She has cerebral palsy and no one wanted that level of care. We were the last home in the area called and if we didn’t take her, they would be forced to move her to an institution as her current foster mom had already given notice to have her moved. We worried if we could handle her needs, as my daughter has high functioning autism. I am forever grateful to all those who sent her away, who didn’t want to have a child with special needs, because they paved my path to my daughter. It’s amazing what children can overcome. Yes, raising special needs children is rough. It’s horrible when people look at us and I can see the judgement. You should see the looks we got in the store the other day, two kids riding on a motorized cart. You see, my oldest also has dysautonomia, a malfunctioning central nervous system, so that’s two invisible disabilities. People were down right rude. How dare I let kids ride? I wouldn’t have to if insurance would approve a wheelchair! Little one has grown at such an incredible rate. All those things she couldn’t do had much less to do with her disability and much more to do with years of abuse and neglect. Medical care, therapy, solid meals and expectations were all she needed. She’s almost caught up developmentally, and although there will always be things she cannot do, she may very well be one heck of a doctor or lawyer one day. No one was excited when she joined our family. Like the original writer, there was no party, no shower, just lots of court dates and reams of paperwork, weekly inspections, dozens of hours of classes and more sleepless nights soothing a “damaged” soul. She is my life and I’m forever thankful she said she would like to stay with us. We will forever, I think, fight her made up memories as well as some that are very real, but she was just too young to process. We want so much to add another, but the foster care system is so broken and I just don’t know if I can put my girls through that again.
Kirsten
I read this with tears in my eyes. I understand, I pay for sins that are not mine daily.
I pay for the sins of the woman who carried my son while drinking and doing drugs and causing him to be autistic.
I pay for the sins of the woman who has been in and out of jail for most of our other little foster guys life, who makes him promises to stay off of drugs and create a home for him. Whose anger creates such a tornado force in our lives.
I pay for the sins of the father who after four years of no contact decided he wants the little 4 year old foster girl I have raised from the moment of her birth, so he doesn’t have to pay child support. I am her mother, the one who has held her through every tear and smile, the one who she walks by during her play and runs a hand over my arm as she give me a little quirky smile as she says “I love you” and wanders off to play once more.
I want to tell you; You are a Mother, in every way, shape and form. These broken children need the anchor you provide them while they are be swept up and shaken by their emotions and experiences. We adopted a little girl who was raised by grandma, bonded with grandma but grandma didn’t have any legal rights when mom whet to prison and gave her up for adoption. After four years of living in a hell of this little girls making my husband said “You can’t help this one, and that’s OK”. We called grandma, we transitioned her 350 miles away to grandma, we paid for grandma to adopt her. She is doing well, she is with the woman she bonded with. She calls me on Sundays to tell me about her week; she calls me Mom.
What you do is enough, you are amazing to live in this world. Your friends and family do not understand, neither do mine and that’s OK.
God Bless You.
Hugs from one Mom to another,
K
Audrey
Thank you so much for posting this letter, and super thank you to the anonymous lovely woman who wrote this to you. As someone who is planning to adopt later on in life, not because I can’t physically have kids, but just because I have come to love other children who are adopted by other families, come to love my own furry kids who are adopted from shelters, I know that in the end, these children will recognize what you are doing. They need a loving home, a loving family, and you are it. Thank you so much. This, quite literally, hammered into my own decision making that, yes, we will adopt when we’re ready. My husband has been all for adopting since before we got married, and I kept wavering a bit. But, it would be a joy, and an honor, to be in the ranks of families like your’s.
Crafty Mom
We also adopted, and I brought a son to my 2nd marriage. My side of the family…never questions and never ever look differently at our 2 adopted children. They are grandkids, niece and nephew, cousin..period. But on husband’s side and at our former church…the situation is very different. It’s apparent to us, and them, by the lack of interest in their lives, never showing up to sporting events, school functions, 4H shows, not receive equal gifts at holidays and birthday and being set apart in the church youth scene…it’s sickening and depressing and infuriating. It’s hard to keep my mouth shut to keep the “peace”…but I do, and we just have to try to cover for them to keep the kids from getting hurt. Oh and we found a church who embraces them…probably even gives them MORE love since our Pastor’s family has adopted and knows what we are dealing with….and we have a unique bond there.
Tracy Ballew
I was unable to have children due to medical reasons and desired a baby so bad. We have now adopted 2 babies and working on our 3rd through foster care. We have had all support through our church and family. I don’t think of them as adopted children though, I feel that they are my children and sometimes forget about the whole adoption part of it until someone mentions it. Or someone will say something like, wow I so look up to you for taking in children that is not yours. To me I just look at them and say I haven’t done anything, God has answered my prayers and given me the children that He wanted me to have. I am eternally grateful to God for answered prayers and thankful that I can help, protect, and love these children as my own.
Jill
Thank you for sharing this story. I was adopted at six months and am now in my forties, and people still say unbelievable things to me about my “real” parents.
My husband and I are childless after years of trying to conceive, but for a variety of reasons have chosen not to adopt. People make cruel comments about that as well, and I’ve recently lost a friendship because someone who proclaims her Christian status and who knows our history told me it is “weird” that I would continue to be a teacher without having kids myself, and that we should *just* adopt. I admire anyone who does adopt (thanks Mom and Dad!) but our path is different.
I wish people were more accepting and kinder to one another.
Tammy Noel Smith
After adopting 5 children from Ethiopia and China,this letter was like a sweet salve to my heart.Though we received our children as very young toddlers,they have no ties or remembrance to anyone,it’s all the comments made here in America.Whether it be the people at church,who haven’t made the connection of our adoption into the family of God through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ.Or people we meet in stores,libraries and restaurants,who are African American and they single out my children who are the same color and begin to insert their race poison.I have to take them home and ‘undo’ the comments.It brings such a pulling apart of our family.We ARE a family,though we come from all parts of the world,we share the same last name,the same morning devotions and faith in Jesus Christ.We love to play instruments together and sing.We share in each others burdens….but the pain and frustration of such ignorance,and in these ‘modern’ times where we should have some wisdom on this beautiful position called adoption,still gets me…especially when it affects my older children.Thank you for sharing this,I’m not alone and that means a great deal.
Alicia
I’m so thankful for this story right now! I have adopted 2 beautiful children and we are getting ready to start foster care. Adoption and foster care are such beautiful things and such a gift to children who otherwise wouldn’t have the love and stability every child deserves! I am looking forward to being that stability for someone else’s child – even if it isn’t permanent. It makes me sad how some people can only imagine a family as something biological. And the cruel and naive comments that are said to adoptive mom’s after what usually is many month/years of heartache, disappointment, longing, sadness, waiting, wanting. I feel bad for this woman that she didn’t have the joy and excitement that comes with having your “own” baby and the extra support that comes with fostering children. I love her perspective though, and it sounds like she is an awesome mother! Thank you for sharing this letter.
April
I so understand your thoughts and struggles, as I’ve gone through many of the same things. The stares, the looks, the questions and then the pain and trauma at home. Your heart cries while it’s breaking, and your brain questions while you just try and make it through a day. I actually wrote a similar blog post that you’d probably totally relate to and understand. http://thismomsgotsomethingtosay.com/2012/08/15/mine/ The road we hoe is not an easy one, but man the rewards are great. Know that you are not alone – there’s lots of us standing beside you and fighting that same fight. Hang in there and keep up the excellent work.
Kristen
Thank you so much for sharing this. I resgared on my blog. My husband and I adopted this year. Not Foster adoptive but I love reading about adoption. Family is family no matter how it grows. May God bless this woman for her obedience.
Kristen
*re-shared
Julie
I wish I could hug her and tell her thank you. I have heard many if the same comments. However we fostered a baby and our neighbors did give us a baby shower because we had nothing, I’m so grateful for the wonderful people I live around.
Erin
I wish you could too!
Blessed Momma
Thank you for this beautiful blog post.
As someone who adopted two of our daughters out of foster care, this letter brought tears to my eyes.
After 12+ years, I still hear negative comments from church, family, and strangers.
But God is faithful. He cares so deeply for each of us, I have to trust that He is good, and the lessons learned have deepened my love and trust for my Lord.
The struggles are still very real and very raw, yet I feel the experience has grown me in ways no other life experience would, and have such a deep impact on my heart.
My girls will likely never call me ‘mom’ as their mom was in prison. They learned every anti-social skill from her, and yet it has convicted me of how we treat God, who loved us enough to sacrifice His Son.
Do I love truly unconditionally?
What does that really mean?
Do I bail my daughters out when they commit a crime?
How do I teach them a better way?
How do I teach them to trust, when they’ve never been able to trust a single person?
Am I just going through the motions, or am I doing what’s right for them, not just what’s easiest for me??
I’m still a work in progress, so I’ve had to forgive the heartless comments, family rejections, and church judgements.
My daughters are now in their 20’s and doing well. It’s not any testament to anything I’ve done. There is no book on how to love broken people, other than the Word of God! But through God’s promises, there is progress. Healing. Growth. Maturity.
Have faith, our rewards are in Heaven, not from man. Be blessed.
Katherine Tedrow
I have never adopted or fostered a child, so I’ve never been in your shoes. What caught my attention though was the way people can dismiss a child as just an inconvenience or a problem. You have chosen to love someone more deeply than the people that brought them into the world. God bless you! May God heal your babies, so they can grow up to be as amazing as their mom and dad are!
Leslie Johnson
I just wanted to say how much I admire and respect foster and adoptive parents. Some of my dearest friends are adoptive parents. And they couldn’t love those boys more.
These words are moving and touching. They brought tears to my eyes and touched my heart. I waited a long time to become a mom. Thought I’d never be able to. I am truly blessed to have my little miracle baby. If my husband and I hadn’t been able to conceive, adoption was definitely on our list of avenues to explore. Before expensive fertility treatments. There are so many children out there who need loving parents.
God bless this woman and her family. I will be praying for her.
Pat
To the Foster/Adoptive Parent,
I am so sorry that you are experiencing this, in my church we had individuals that Fostered children and we readily excepted them.Everyone loved the children and were always sad to see them move on, because they developed an attachment.
I have 2 adopted children, who are now adults and are doing very well. We have never focused or been concerned because of the fact that they were adopted. Everyone says, they look like my husband and I.
I know your situation is different from mine but, we had the baby showers and all. My adopted children were embraced and still others forget they are adopted. They do get older and ask questions but, we have remained positive and always try to have an open line of communication. Not long ago, they tried to get in touch with some of their family members but, they rejected them, which we tried to help them. They really wanted to know their history.
Either way it can be difficult but, my kids were raised believing God and they have moved on.
Hopefully, at some point in time yours will move on, too!! Just keep on loving them and teach them the love of God, transcends everything, His love covers a multitude of sins. May your children learn to love you and each one of you can move on and live the life God has for each of you!!! I know God has a plan for each of you. Let Him fight your battle for you. Pray your relationship with your children will change. Felt compelled to response, hope you are able to read this.
Rachael
Thank you so much for posting this. I to have been thru this with one foster girl who is 35 now and doing well. I now have a 6 month old who was 6 days old when she came to us. We have her sibling which was 14 months when she came to us and she is 2 years old now. It is a wonderful gift. I am close to being 59 years old now and I felt that I already had too much on my plate to take more than the 2 year old. I have an 8 year old thru adoption that we brought home from Guatemala and I homeschool and take care of the farm and many other things. But a good friend who has a husband in a wheel chair to take care of, 4 college age children that are at home and need her plus 8 year old twins she is foster to adopt (like us) and homeschool mom gently rebuked me when I told her that she had so much on her plate. And that I also Have too much on my plate to take a new born baby! She said that she doesn’t understand when people say they have too much on their plate. “She said I DON’T SEE my plate!” She said I think about the holocaust and how people put themselves and their children in jeopardy to help hide and save a life. I pondered her statement all day…I knew there was something rich in it. Later that day it suddenly hit me–like a light bulb went on and I said it’s not about my age or my plate…it’s about helping another HUMAN BEING!!! What she said was a gift.
We have learned such stupid statements and somehow we agree with them and loose what is real and valuable. Just like these people who this woman talks about in her open letter. They have become a product of this western culture mindset and world view-how tragic! How poor we have become! Blessings to this wonderful lady, Rachael
Shawna
Thank you for this post. I’m awake because I was thinking about the meeting Husband and I had this week with the adoption agency. We hope to adopt a 9-14 year old. Friends are onboard now, but at first were pretty dismissive or ignored this desire completely. Our parents haven’t celebrated this at all and my mom keeps telling me what hard work it will be. I was adopted at 11, so it makes me feel kind of bad, but I know that this is how God will add to our family and we are fearful and grateful for the future.
Jenna Taylor
I don’t know if the lady who wrote this will see my comment but I wanted to say thanks for being willing to share your story and thanks Erin for sharing it here. What a beautiful thing to do with your life to so invest it in others through a loving adoption. I wish someday to follow in your path and reach out through adoption. I will remember your story. May God bless you as you continue on your journey. I know He sees you and walks with you every step of the ways, guiding you and sustaining you with His grace.
Elle
I’m an adoptive mother. I remember when we were getting our kids enrolled in school, I sat down across from a nun at a catholic school and she asked for a list of my children’s full names and ages. “Why do they all have different last names?” She asked, oozing judgement. I stifled a giggle and proudly announced, “Because they all have different fathers!” (Our children did not end up attending that school).
5 of our children are adopted. None of them look like me at all, so people often make comments that “I’m not their real mother” or “they aren’t REALLY my children” because I didn’t give birth to them. Some of them look like my husband, which is a nice coincidence – until people ask how I was able to ‘forgive him’ and raise all these children from ‘other relationships’. Ugh.
However, I wanted to share, I don’t relate to the emotions in this letter. My kids were abused and abandoned and neglected. And it took a long time for my son to call me Mom, or my daughter to say the words “I love you”.
My son still asks about his mother, his aunt. Women who abandoned him, abused him. My daughter asks about her mother, who died giving birth – she has no memory of her at all, yet something in her longs to have answers. And that is okay. It’s not about ME, it’s about my kids. They deserve to know the truth, in a way that is healthy, in a manner matching their understanding and ability to handle the ugly parts of the truth.
It’s not about ME being mom or having that recognition from others. Its not about ‘the sins of others’ it is about doing what is best for our kids, about raising them and loving them.
Each of my kids knows they have another mom – either in heaven, or in another town. And that’s okay. They have me, too. And I love them fiercely, and will protect them and raise them and help them to grow into amazing humans (as best I can).
I do wish adoptive and foster parents were accepted more into the conversations about ‘parenting’ and that our lingo about families included foster/adoptive families. But I don’t know how we go about changing that.