Healthy You
Is it possible to stay married during crisis? I don’t just believe it is–I know it is. We’ve been through marriage trials and back. These five tips can help you stay married when hard times hit.
Will and I have not had a perfect marriage.
In fact, that’s one reason why we’ve not written about marriage extensively on this blog–although our entire site is built around building the home and family.
We’ve been through many ups and downs over the past 18 years and were even on the brink of divorce after a crisis we endured in 2009 and again in 2019 after being separated for 6 months.
But praise God–we’ve made it, and we’ve seen the Lord do phenomenal things in our marriage.
We know if he can redeem so many broken things in our relationship, he may heal yours, too. It is possible to stay married during crisis!
(Note: In this post, I am not tackling things like abuse because women should seek immediate help in that circumstance. God is more concerned about you and your safety than you trying to make an abusive relationship work at the risk of your life or health. If your marriage is facing this type of crisis, skip straight to #5 and seek a licensed professional counselor.)
Over the course of our marriage, there are five areas that have proven extremely beneficial in how to stay married during crisis. These are five areas we go back to again and again. We hope they will be helpful to you as well!
How to Stay Married During Crisis
1. Talk to your pastor or a trusted friend
We are incredibly grateful that God has surrounded us with trusted mentors and pastors over the years.
Will’s mentor is a former pastor of ours, and we are good friends with the lead pastor of the church we attend.
When we are having a hard time, we don’t hesitate to request to meet with one of these individuals.
Will usually meets with them alone, or we meet with them together. They speak truth into our lives, lead us to Scripture, pray with and for us, and will hold us accountable.
I talk to my female mentor about our marriage as well. The neat thing is that her personality is very similar to Will’s, so sometimes she can help me see things that will help that I cannot see by myself!
I know that many women have experienced spiritual abuse or been dismissed at the hands of pastors, so if a pastor or other church leader is ignoring the issue you are facing, please step away and do not speak with that individual again. Find someone safe who will listen to you and take the situation seriously.
Many women have been told to just pray harder or be more submissive to win their husbands over, but that often just continues to enable the behavior.
A pastor or trusted friend may be a good place to start if they have a healthy view of marriage and relationships, but many pastors are not trained or equipped to handle deeper, more serious issues that will require a trained licensed professional counselor (more on that later).
2. Take a marriage class, attend a conference, or read resources
Even before we went through marriage crisis, this is something we tried to do every year.
We have always attended churches that offered some kind of marriage ministry. We have taken at least one marriage class every year we’ve been together.
Some of our favorite and most helpful resources have been:
- The Great Sex Rescue
- The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex
- The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex
- She Deserves Better
- Boundaries in Marriage
- The 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work
- Created of Connection
I believe one reason we were able to stay married during crisis was because of all we had learned through these resources before, during, and now after our marriage trials.
3. Reconnect emotionally, physically, and spiritually
(Note: Again, if you do not feel safe or emotionally connected in your marriage, sex is not where healing should start. This is a very nuanced area and should be approached with solid, healthy counsel.)
There are several levels of intimacy in marriage, and none of them are mutually exclusive of the other. If there is not emotional intimacy, there is going to be little to no physically intimacy, etc.
If you are in a healthy place or working toward reconnection, sexually intimate with your spouse can bring you closer together, but it is not something that should be forced or coerced. We have seen this in our own marriage, but I have to feel safe and connected. Physical intimacy can help create that, but it usually doesn’t start there.
See some of the resources I mentioned above good reading on this topic. There are a lot of toxic marriage books out there that teach things about sex that are not healthy or biblical. Many of them were given to us when when we first got married, so we had to work to undo a lot of bad teaching in this area (typically as a result of purity culture).
4. Decorate your home with reminders of your marriage commitment
This may seem simple, but visual reminders are good for me. They don’t fix the problem, but once we were able to work through some of the bigger issues, these visual reminders help me at times.
We have decorated our home with Scripture throughout. I believe we have a verse displayed in every single room!
We have made a special point to make our bedroom decor a reminder of our marriage commitment.
We have a “We Still Do” throw pillow on our bed, “We Still Do” picture frame on my nightstand, and a “We Still Do” sign on our wall. (You can see these pictured in this post!)
We got all these from Etsy, and they serve as a reminder that we do still do–even when the going gets tough!!
5. Go to counseling
Last and certainly not least…actually one of the most important…is to seek a trained licensed professional counselor. Never be ashamed about getting professional help.
We have seen several counselors during the course of our marriage, and we will see them again in a heartbeat.
This past summer we went through a hard time and went to several sessions with a licensed Christian counselor. It really helped us work through things, and I’m not sure we would be in the good place we are now if we had not had that extra help.
Yes, counseling can be expensive, but a good counselor is worth the investment. Some counselors do offer discounts and sliding scales based on income level. Some churches will also help out with the expense of marriage counseling. It never hurts to ask!
I would seek out a counselor who is both a Christian and professionally trained. There are definitely “biblical counselors” who are not licensed and can do more harm than good. (Believe me, I’ve been there.) If you find a counselor isn’t a good fit, don’t be afraid to find another one.
(Note: Again, I want to reiterate that if a marriage is abusive or there are other major issues that threaten someone, please seek immediate help.)
What are your tips for how to stay married during crisis? Share your best marriage advice in the comments!
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Pam
My husband and I will be celebrating 30 years of marriage and are parents to 12. We have found that during the hard times we needed to make a special effort to do these things.
Continue to date and court each other regularly, by planning and going on dates together, write little “love” notes to each other. Continue or start playful things to remind your spouse you love him, like writing on the mirror when he is in the shower an endearing phrase. Pray together and for each other. Share with each other what you love or admire about each other and don’t forget to tell your spouse how much you appreciate him and why. Do the extra things to show your love…like bring him lunch to work or secretly get a sitter or ask grandparents to take the children for a romantic evening together.
Erin
WOW on 30 years, Pam! I aspire to be in your shoes! Thanks so much for sharing these valuable tips!
Gina Poirier
I really appreciate your vulnerability in this post. Everyone who has a strong marriage has put in the hard work. We just hit our 10-year anniversary and I think the advice I would add is to prioritize the time to have fun and go on adventures together. It keeps the romance alive and helps you remember why you fell in love in the first place. When I look back on the last decade, those are the moments I remember and cherish most. They help me pull through when times are hard.
Erin
Congrats on 10 years, Gina, and thanks for sharing that awesome tip!
E
Thanks for writing this post. Honestly, I wish you would have elaborated more on what you went through so that I could learn more from your experience, but I certainly respect your privacy and know I wouldn’t want to do the same! I find that in my circles, marriage difficulties are not shared at all because as Christian women, we are trying overly hard to not say anything negative about our husbands (which is a good thing), but it means that there isn’t much transparency in this area and a whole lot of women feeling like they are alone in their marriage struggles.
Laura
I feel the same way! So many times I’ve needed help but A) had no money for counseling, or B) didn’t want to be the bad wife saying negative about her husband. Taboo subjects are such a problem and it shouldn’t be that way! Certainly it is is not socially acceptable in church circles to discuss problems unless they are in the distant past, and we say, “Praise be! It is all better now.” But we need help *now* when marriage trouble happens.
Erin
I can relate. We needed counseling for years when we couldn’t afford it. We then had to rely on pastors or friends. I wish it were more affordable. You are right in that it’s taboo. I hope that will change in the future. It is so important to have others with whom we can share our struggles. We are thankful to be in a church where that is possible.
Erin
Hi E! Thanks so much for commenting. At this time, we share with those who God leads in person, but because our children are still very young and it was a very sensitive issue, we feel it best they hear it from us and not the internet when they are a bit older. I encourage you to pray for God to put people into your life with whom you can be real with and will be real with you. We have been amazed at the people God has sent our way who have had the exact same struggles as we have. It’s been so helpful. I do think the body of Christ as a whole needs to be more transparent in our struggles. None of us are perfect!
E
Thanks, Erin. That makes total sense about your kids. I feel the same way. My husband is a pastor and unfortunately, we have been betrayed and publicy humiliated and slandered in front of our young children in front of the church recently for something personal so I was speaking from a place of hurt. However, like you noted, personal friendships are still a much better place than the internet to share personally and seek counsel. And Jesus can bring more friends into our life. So glad we serve a big God!
Erin
I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through, E! I will say a prayer right now that the Lord will bring you some amazing, REAL friends who will not judge you but will love you. I think so many Christians fail to see that we are ALL equally depraved. We say “all have sinned” in quoting Scripture, but how many of us truly live that out? It helps us have compassion and transparency with others when we grasp it! I hope you have a great night, and know there is hope!! <3
Laura
Have more sex even if we don’t feel like it… OK I struggle with this one. Duty sex, or faking it, or ‘not in the mood but it’s the right thing to do’ are all hard for me. I feel like sex should be wanted both ways, otherwise one feels used. If things are so bad that they needs glue, the other partner probably isn’t doing much to light the fire. Obviously something I’ve thought about and struggled with!
Erin
Hi Laura, I can understand–believe me I can! ESPECIALLY when we were going through major crisis mode, it was the last thing I wanted to do. And I can’t say I always did it. I do believe, like the Bible says, it’s OK to sustain for a time when you are both seeking the Lord in prayer. I just know from experience that when we are regularly engaging in sexual intimacy, our overall marriage is so much better. And the more I do it, the more I desire it. (OH TMI!!!) Thanks for being real. I know you are not alone in your feelings!
A
I understand where Laura is coming from. I know those words, those feelings. My husband & I have had 1 crisis after another in our 22 yr relationship, 19 yrs of marriage. We’re still on the brink of divorce.
IF you had a good foundation in the beginning of relationship/marriage, then sometimes you can make it through the struggles. But if you didn’t create a strong foundation first, then when it comes to having sex to be used as glue….then its going to be a bigger struggle.
When you have a spouse that “demands” that you have sex with him/her, tells you that its the basis of marriage, that its your “job”. it can make it even harder, because then it can make you feel like your less of a person.
There’s a lot of us that do not attend a Church, though we our a follower of God, so we might be limited to a Godly counsel.
I can tell you that from my personal experience, my husband may know scripture, he is not a follower of God. Unless, it can benefit him. We struggle just to get married….I didn’t think it was a good idea emotionally for me to do & he was mentally not ready for any kind of a relationship. But I have always been a fixer/helper. So….I thought i could help him get through his issues & we’d have a fabulous marriage & relationship.
When we went through our first major crisis that involved a family member of his….I thought “If we can make it through this, our relationship will be stronger & we could make it through anything, together.” Well……..we made it through, but not together or stronger, but it was easily something that was leading us to divorce (& probably should have happened), but *I* wanted to try & make it work. By this time we had an infant & i was getting accused of cheating on him, I was a stay at home mom & wasn’t even associating with any of the friends that I had when i met my husband. I spent over 15 yrs of being falsely accused of cheating on him(despite being a stay at home mom of 5 kids, one is a step-which is a long story of its own, i even pulled away from my family in hopes that he’d see he was my world). For over 15 years he was lusting after other women & emotionally cheating on me, repeatedly blamed me for his actions. Sex went from something that thoroughly enjoyed having to having his actions & words make me feel violated, I asked for a divorce but couldn’t even get a separation from him.
It was over 6 yrs before we started having sex again & to be frank….its still not something i want. While scripture says that we shouldn’t withhold sex from our spouse, there is no scripture that can erase the damage that the spouse has done. (I wish there was).
You (erin) mentioned that we reach out to our clergy. Well, since I didn’t don’t have a Church, i definitely don’t have a relationship with a Pastor, but I did have one in the family & my husband always claimed to respect my dad (not that he showed it by how he treated me), so they were going to be my church family. Except my family member that was/is a Pastor, didn’t want to talk to my husband about it…because it’d be embarrassing to my husband. Why? because the Pastor was also an adulterer. I started going to counseling because I needed help for me & only then could anything happen with our marriage. I have anxiety & PTSD because of everything that I’ve been through/put through in my relationship.
I’ve reduced my anxiety a bit on my own, but still far from being done. The one thing that I think works better then talking about it (because that hasn’t gotten me anywhere) is going through Emotional Release Therapy. The cool thing about ERT is that you will/can find out that your carrying emotional baggage from your mom clear back several generations & some of your issues can be because of them. Unfortunately its expensive, and not covered by insurance like counseling is. I would recommend this in addition to, counseling.
If you or your spouse is going to blame things on everyone else but themselves, then things will never improve. And they/you can’t kinda sorta take responsibility. Its gotta be 100% responsibility for your/their actions. Meaning: Yes…I did/said this, I will do my best or try my best to not, stop, do……whatever.
In my case…I argued with him, I pushed to be heard, I pushed for him to admit the truth of things & I know that it didn’t help.
His “reasons” for having the multiple affairs was always due to lack of sex, except when he started all these affairs, there wasn’t a lack happening. I finally made a stand this past fall that it was them or me & it had to be 100% one way or another. If it was them, then we had to figure out how to make it work financially so our kids wouldn’t suffer even more than what I think they’ve had to endure over the years. But if it was me…..there was absolutely no more women, at all ever. And IF there was any sign of him cheating again……it would be done & over, divorce would happen. Its hard to trust & love someone who has destroyed your heart & marriage during the whole stretch of it so far. So, having to relearn so much & trying to not let it cause more issues is fun.
Try to spend time just with your spouse (with kids it can be hard, with having financially struggles makes it even harder) but if you want your marriage to work….try.
For me……that’s one thing I struggle with. But I want a house for my kids that’s what’s important to me. I still struggle, but when things pick up for us financially a bit then i can get back to working on me again.
Erin
A, my heart just breaks for you, and I thank you so much for being vulnerable in sharing your story with me and our community here. I feel very strongly that we can learn from each other. This post wasn’t comprehensive, and I want to encourage you that the Bible does make a way for divorce, and I don’t believe God would want us miserable in a marriage with an unrepentant (unrepentant is the key word here!) spouse. (Some people might disagree with me. This article from FamilyLife lays it out much better than I could write in this space: http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/marriage/divorce/realities-of-divorce/what-does-the-bible-say-about-divorce-when-is-it-allowed). The difference in our marriage was that we are both believers, there was repentance and forgiveness, and we were BOTH willing to work on things. Your therapy sounds great. I am so sorry you don’t have good clergy, etc. to help you walk through this. I am going to pray right now that you are able to find someone who can help you through this very difficult situation. Thank you so much, again, for sharing your heart. Praying for you!!
A
Thank You Erin…I didn’t see this response till now. And your right…..both have to believe…..in a higher power(God) or something. Both have to believe the relationship, in the marriage. And both have to work on it, at it…it can’t be just one person doing or trying to do it all, otherwise…..you get nowhere.
I feel & have felt for probably the majority of my relationship/marriage that I was a single parent with a roommate, so alone in many aspects. That’s hard to deal with.
When I first shared with my family that my husband & I were looking at getting divorced one of them (pastor’s wife) told me that I was condemning my kids & (future) grandkids to hell by breaking the covenant of marriage by getting divorced. I told her….if hell was where God was going to send me for getting out & ending the mental & emotional abuse & no longer willing to put up with an adulterer, then he needs to send me there now, because it won’t be any worse than what I’ve been living with. She spouted scripture after scripture, but wasn’t willing to listen to the scriptures I gave back in rebuttal about the abuse & adultery.
I don’t know where my marriage will end, but I know that this wasn’t the road I wanted to be on again.
Unrepentant is the key….whether you believe/follow Christ or not….because if they don’t repent, nothing ever changes & the marriage will never last, no matter how badly one may want it.
I actually appreciate knowing others have saved their marriage, even when problems are due to adultery, and are better than ever. Before when I’d get told about such success, it made me feel like a huge failure….”Why can’t I let go of knowing what he wanted to do or did with these other women, why can’t it be as easy to trust him as it seems to be for these other women to trust their spouse.” But I realize, that I haven’t failed anything…because I have tried for years & I still try….just not sure why I’m trying now. Kind of sad when i think about it.
But….at least when I get accused of “not trying” (which will happen)…I can look back & say “ya wanna bet”.
I hope women reading your story & reading our comments are able to learn from the variety of stories they are reading. There’s no one answer & no one right answer, our stories all were different in their development & our “endings” will also vary. But hopefully we will all have support for those who need it.
thank you for the prayers, they are greatly appreciated & will be helpful. 🙂
Thank you also for the link….I look forward to reading it.
Keelie Reason
Wow. That’s so hard. 🙁 I hate that for you.
Keelie Reason
I love these ideas. Such great tips. Getting counseling is so important!
Erin
Thank you! Yes–counseling is such a need and we should never be ashamed of it!
Lucy - England
Hi, my marriage was for 20 years and I’ve been widowed for 10.
Neither of us were Christians although having studied Theology
to degree level I know we both followed Christ’s basic teaching –
ok that’s my background my tips are.
Listen to each other, I mean truly listen. Not let the words wash
over you while planning your response.
When irritated by something said or done, before getting angry think
how would my life be if **** wasn’t here in my life to do this?
Make space for the other person in your marriage. Plan some time for
them to do something that they’d really enjoy but often slides because
of other priorities.
Spend a few moments each day remembering why you fell in love.
One of the last things I bought my love before he died was a plaque that
said “I love you more today than yesterday, because yesterday you drove me mad.” We had many laughs over this in the couple of months we shared it.
We did the above throughout our time together, it wasn’t a perfect marriage
it was too real for that. But when I was angry I could say in honesty at this
moment I don’t want you, but in my heart there’s not a second I want to live
without you.
10 years into widowhood that feeling is as strong, I hate living without him
but I have no regrets for the times we were together.
My final tip for every relationship is no matter how short a time it will be, if your going to be apart say what’s in your heart and remind them they are loved. My beloved went to the local shops 15 mins away, he never returned.
Before he left we hugged and said I love you. That, that was my last memory
of him soothes my heart.
Erin
Oh Lucy–your comment brings tears to my eyes! I am so sorry about what happened to your husband, but what a wonderful reminder to our community to make every single day count and take nothing for granted!!! Your tips from your 20-year marriage are rock solid and well appreciated. Thank you so, so much for sharing your story.
Lucy ~England
Thanks Erin, relationships are never easy and sometimes we need to remember that however annoying our partner might be, sadly we are not
saints either 🙂
Erin
Such good, wise words. Thanks again for sharing, Lucy!
Tania
Lucy, I’m so sorry you lost your Love!
I so agree with what you did the last time you saw him….we always kiss and hug goodbye and say “I love you”, even if we are parting for a short time. We’ve been married 30 years and this is one of the most important things we do. You never know when it will be the last time…I loathe the coming of that day. May you have Peace.
Lou
Erin, thank you for your candid words-they are so helpful. My husband and I are approaching our first anniversary, yet this has been one of the hardest years for either of us. Actually, the date of this post is exactly one year from the day that our year of trials really started. We are absolutely still in crisis and I think it will take our marriage a long time to recover from this. It hurts so much more that this was “supposed” to be our happiest year, our honeymoon year, and we’ve spent our entire marriage so far focused solely on trauma. We just started with counseling and I will remember to employ your third tip. I’m sure it will take time and that we will have setbacks, but I can’t stop hoping and praying that we will eventually have a happy marriage, if only for a little while.
Erin
Thank you so much for sharing, Lou–and I am praying for you right now as I write this reply! I encourage you to hold onto hope. What we went through was traumatic and it is truly a miracle we are still together almost 8 years after that and 11 1/2 years total! Our first year of marriage was difficult too. There were times I would look up plane tickets and contemplate flying home to my parents (who lived in NC while we were living in MS at the time)! I am so, so glad you are in counseling! I pray you will find that “honeymoon period” in the years to come and see a marriage so much richer because you fought so hard to keep it. There is hope!!! <3
A
Lou…..even though I am lost in my own marriage….I know all too well about trials in the first year of marriage….been there.
But I will say…..I hope & Pray that you both get through this trial & it makes your marriage & relationship stronger than what it was when you got together. I also hope & pray that your counselor is helpful & insightful & you are both open to heal the damage & grow stronger.
That’s one of the areas everyone seems to have a one up on me….my husband’s refusal to go to counseling together. And I think that actually is what helps to make a positive difference.
Prayers for you both.
a friend
a have a good tip, take up your cross, deny yourself, and follow Jesus! life is filled with good days, and bad. take each day at a time! do not make it “all about you”, you are not the center of the universe (this coming from someone who is a work in progress, it’s hard, I know)…for the lady who said she is on the brink of divorce, please check out these 2 marriage ministries, faithandfamilyministries.org and rejoicemarriageministry.com
there is hope! Jesus can heal any broken thing! be accountable to someone, pray and pray some more!!! God is good!!!!
congrats on new baby Erin, hopefully he comes soon 🙂 all mine are always past due too!!
Erin
What great tips! Thank you for sharing–and for also sharing those marriage websites! I would add Family Life and Christian Family Life–two of our favorites! Sheila Wray Gregorie (tolovehonorandvacuum.com) also has some great tips on her site! Thanks for the congrats, and I appreciate the prayers!!
Marie
One thing that is not talked about much in Christian circles without a lot of finger pointing and shaming and blaming is those of us who have gone through a divorce. Despite my best attempts otherwise, my first marriage did end in divorce after many years. I was very young when I married, and did not marry for the right reasons either. The marriage was fraught with turmoil from the start, and should have never occurred to begin with. I did everything I could to save it, but as a Christian counselor told me, marriage takes three- both spouses and God, and if one person decides to walk out, there is nothing the other person can do about it, nor are they bound in such circumstances. While I was in the marriage, I felt judged and was criticized by other women, as my ex was not supportive and did not treat me the way a husband is called to treat his wife. When he left, and I moved on with my life, I also was judged again by other Christian women, for being divorced. I have since remarried to a man of deep faith, and am extremely happy in my marriage. My adult children now have a solid foundation on what to base their relationships on, something they would not have had if I had not remarried. We, as women, need to be more supportive of each other, especially in these difficult situations when the unbeliever has left and not judge. There are so many of us out there who have gone through this.
Erin
Thank you so, so much for sharing your perspective, Marie, and my heart breaks for how you were treated. You (and your counselor) are so right: It takes three. I am so happy to hear your testimony of how God brought a godly man into your life! May those in our community who read your words hear take heed not to judge. No one ever knows what goes on behind closed doors!! Thank you again for sharing!! <3
A
its sad you were treated this way……many are.
I have been married before & he walked out on me….have no idea why. Just came home & said he wanted a separation. I was stunned…tried for 6 mos. to get back together, including asking him to marry me. I ended up having an accident on one of my many trips to go see him to try to talk & I called him to see if he could help me, he asked me what was he suppose to do? He needed to go do his laundry.
6 mos after that I filed & he told me when i handed him the papers to sign, that he’d never let me see how much I hurt him. Again….stunned.
I was judged by a family member for getting divorced as was another family member by this same christian family member. It was just one more reason I distanced myself from Church’s….I believe & I follow….there’s just too much judgement from those who are not suppose.
It sounds like you were blessed with a wonderful man…..that is so awesome & hopefully you will find more women who are supportive.
Prayers
Lindsey
I love this post!! I really appreciate your honesty and advice! Being married is definitely a privilege but you also have to work at it. Thank you for sharing what has worked for you guys!
H
Thank you for sharing this today! This morning I have been filled with anxiety and stress and have let the doubts creep in so reading this has helped! My spouse and I have been married for almost 6 years and before we had our kids, marriage was a breeze! We always felt like we complimented each other perfectly, but in the past few years our differences have driven us further apart. His friends are bad influences and he doesn’t come from a family of believers like I do. But I’m thankful he is willing to go to church, pray, and read our Bibles together. It’s so easy to slowly let the negative thoughts and doubts creep in and pretty soon it consumes you! We need to get back in church, have more sex, and pray together! Marriage is WORK! Thank you again for sharing!
Erin
I’m so glad it was helpful. I know anxiety and stress too well…God is a God of redemption!!
Kathy
We’ve been married 41 years and counting. I was 17, he was 21. The first thing we did as husband and wife after we arrived at our honeymoon destination was to get on our knees and dedicate our marriage to God. When times were hard, my husband turned to God. I’m glad he did, because I spent my time being hurt and mad! He retired just a few weeks ago and while things didn’t go as we planned, I am so thankful God led us to the life we have. Just God, y’all.