I polled other pregnant mamas, and we agreed there are some things you should NEVER say to pregnant women! Here are the top ten things.
Two weeks ago I entered my third trimester of pregnancy. I can hardly believe I will meet this precious baby in 10 weeks or less! I love this stage in pregnancy. I’m still holding onto some second-trimester energy, and not only can I feel this baby girl moving like crazy, but I can also see her twist her little body all across my belly.
As much as I don’t want to rush this pregnancy, I’m glad I can finally say I’m in my third trimester–we’re in the home stretch. I showed so early this pregnancy (really, even before I took the pregnancy test!) that people have been asking me for weeks if I am about to have this baby any day.
I know people mean well, but after surveying some of my readers on Facebook and talking to other mommy friends, there are some things we wish people would never say to pregnant women. Here’s a list of my top 10:
1. “Are you sure you’re not having twins? You look too big for that to just be one baby!”
2. “Are you sure they have your due date right? I don’t think you’re going to make it until August.”
3. “You’re going to have your hands full!” (As they look on at my 3 and 1 year old.)
4. “You had a natural birth last time? Was that planned? And you seriously want to do it again? Come on–just ask for the epidural! You don’t have to be superwoman!”
5. “You look like you are due any day now! Do you really have three more months?!”
6. “I bet you were really hoping for a boy this time. That’s too bad you’re having another girl. Will you try for a fourth, so you can get your boy?” (Who said we wanted sons? We are thrilled to be having a 3rd girl!)
7. “I was all belly when I was pregnant. I only gained 15 pounds.” (I have definitely gained more than that!)
8. “Wow, you look like you’re going to pop!” (This is worse, says my friend, when it comes from a heavy man with a pop belly–who thumps your belly when he says it!)
9. “You don’t look pregnant. Are you sure you are?” (This can be a compliment to a women of multiple children who has gained a lot of weight, but it can be disappointing to the first-time mom who is already nervous and desperately wants to look pregnant!)
10. And on a serious note: “My friend lost her baby in the third trimester, but I’m sure you’ll be just fine.” (Please, don’t bring up pregnancy loss to a pregnant woman!)
Image by guillermo ossa
I’ve had friends who have responded to some of these comments with rude comments of their own, but I usually smile and nod and then ask my husband: “Do I look fat?” And he says, “No! You look pregnant!”
But as my friend Christy of The Simple Homemaker pointed out, “We should not be too easily offended in life or in pregnancy when people speak to us. It is always easy to find offense if we are looking. Some people are just genuinely, lovingly interested, and others are really trying to be helpful….they really are trying to help, and we should offer them as much grace as we would like for ourselves. That said, I’ve heard many of these comments, and try to reply with respectful humor or a positive comment. Six girls and one boy–you can imagine what we’ve heard!”
Some of these comments aren’t offensive to pregnant mamas, but I would err on the side of caution and avoid saying them! Pregnancy can be an emotional time, and it’s not the place for snide or thoughtless remarks. Let’s build each other up and be mindful of ways to encourage!
So how about things you CAN say to encourage a pregnant woman? Here are 10 things pregnant women want to hear!
Are you expecting your own little one? Get FREE week-by-week pregnancy updates here!
What are some things you’ve heard while pregnant? Or, what are some things you wish people would never say to pregnant women?
*This post first appeared as one of my columns in the Mooresville Weekly newspaper.
Check out the other posts in this series:
- 10 Reasons We Opted to Give Birth at a Birth Center
- A Tale of Two Births: Medicated vs. Natural Hospital Births, part 2
- A Tale of Two Births: Medicated vs. Natural Hospital Births, part 1
- How to Achieve a Natural Birth in a Hospital Setting
- Real Food Pregnancy Cheats/Shortcuts
- OB or Midwife: Finding the Birth Provider Who Works for You
- A Comparison of Birth Settings: Home, Hospital and Birth Center
- Resources for a Natural Pregnancy
- Hyperemesis Gravidarum: Much More than Severe Morning Sickness
'Becca
I think nobody should ever ask, “Was it an accident?” If the expectant parents want you to know about that, they’ll tell you!
Also, it’s usually wise to avoid stating any assumptions about whether the mother is going to quit her job, marry the father, or convert to the father’s religion.
I think the most astounding thing anyone said to me when I was pregnant was, “So, how does it feel to have breasts?” said by a very large-busted lesbian. I was speechless for a good half minute and finally stammered, “It’s like puberty all over again!”
One thing I didn’t mind was people who realized I was due near Christmas telling me how the people they knew with birthdays near Christmas celebrated them. It was fun to hear a lot of different ideas and decide how we would celebrate our son’s birthday.
Erin
It is amazing–and astounding–what people will say!
Nan
I can not tell you how many times I have said all the above to people expecting a baby .It never bother me so I did not think any thing about it .I will try not to do it again.
Jendeis
How about never asking if the pregnancy was planned and never asking if you’re happy about being pregnant? My friend, who is much quicker than me, would just answer, “That’s a little personal, don’t you think?” and then walk away.
Could we also add never touch a pregnant woman’s belly without her permission?
Erin
LOL! I agree!
Heather Wawa
1. Are you going to be done now?/Think you’ll have any more?
2. Oh, your poor son! No brothers and four, soon to be five, sisters! (said in front of him)
3. I agree with the comment that mentioned people launching pregnancy horror stories and deaths. Labor/deliver/hospital staff horrors as well.
4. And from strange, creepy great-uncles whom you haven’t seen in 10 years and are now chatting with at a funeral, “Don’t you know what causes that?”
LaraS
There are two possible answers to this: Yes, I know what causes that, and we’re obviously pretty good at it! Or, I know what causes that and it’s good fun!
Sara
I think everyone gets too easily offended these days. Have you not asked these same questions to some of your girlfriends? Don’t you wonder if they are planning on having more? Don’t you wonder if they planned on having them close because they like it that way or if it was an accident? These are things my girlfriends and my family members discuss and I have no problem if an acquaintance asked too! And as for the “hand’s full” comment, if you have several kids your hands are likely full – that’s not a negative comment, it’s recognition of what a huge responsibility it is to care for young children!
Molly
This is my first pregancy. and it was some what planned by my boyfriend and I, but we broke up for like a month. Before we broke up we talked about when we both wanted kids by what age. I told him 25 and he wants his before 25 as well. My baby is due 5 days before my birthday this year and I will be 25. Got baby together when I found out I was pregnant and I was already 2 months along. I didn’t start showing tell 4 months along. After I went to my sonogram, I had someone ask me where I work had if I was carrying twins since I showed more then I did the first time she seen me. I told her nope I’m only carrying one just had my sonogram. I’ve had a few of my co-workers touch my belly first, then ask me is it okay if I feel your belly. I said, say yes.Since they already are touching my belly. I’ve had people ask me if its planned or not. If I’m happy or not about it. Of course I’m happy, its my dream to have kids.
Rachael
The worst ones I’ve gotten so far were from two pregnant friends who’ve already had kids…” Your definitely having a girl your getting wider” …having a boy!…and ” you don’t even look pregnant just like you’ve gained weight.”yeah thanks guys!
Danielle
2 things:
1. “I hope she’s PREGNANT….”
2. Comparing his pregnant wife (me) to his baby mama when she was pregnant…NEVER. Along those lines…. “I don’t know if you should have a baby shower because it’s not HIS first baby.” (it’s MY first baby :/)
Heather
I think the worst one I got was just the other night from my boyfriend’s friend. “No, she’s not pregnant, she just got FATTER.” Not even ‘fat’… ‘fatter’… as in, I was already fat to begin with. Thanks Douche Bag. Not the first time he’s called me fat during this pregnancy. Like, yeah I know I’m fat. I don’t need you to point it out. Another one I get quite frequently is ” You’re definitely having twins. I wasn’t that big.” Plenty of ultrasounds have confirmed that there is only one baby. Yet one friend, who had twins, said, “you’re having twins. I wasn’t even that big with my twins.” I’m like, that’s because u only made it to seven months before they were born.
Erin
Haha–My sister has twins and likes to point out how little weight she gained…but she had them at 7 months, too, and I went 42 weeks with my 3rd (who was over 9 lbs!). I bet you are beautiful!! Congrats to you, Heather!! Merry Christmas! 🙂
Vicky Cashwell
This wasn’t said to me during my first pregnancy (which I am now 23 weeks), but this was said after several years of trying to get pregnant. It horrifies me every time I think about what was said to me, as it broke my heart, and very much hurt my feelings. I am not a small woman. But I’m not huge. But I had several of my husbands family members tell me that if I’d only just lose some weight I’d get pregnant. Now as someone who had already been torturing myself about not being able to get pregnant, this was so hurtful. And we had been seeing a specialist who was helping us get to this wonderful moment we are in right now, and I always found it funny that my doctor, a trained medical professional, was focusing on what was really wrong, and through corrective surgery, and sperm washing, and finally an IUI, we were able to get pregnant. He didn’t once, focus on my weight. But his family was so critical of me, it really has hurt my relationship with them. So my advice to folks…please stay away from being critical of a woman trying to get pregnant, as they are already sensitive about it. And never ever go there with their weight! If we want your advice about it, we’ll ask!
Kylie
I was asked if I was planning on giving up my child for adoption. I was 28 and single. I couldn’t believe it. He was only two years my senior. I asked him why on earth he thought I’d give away my own flesh and blood.
Amber
I have one uncle that has asked me “Don’t you know what causes that?” during my last 3 pregnancies. I only have 4 kids….the same number he has. Very annoying.
Christine
regarding the “don’t you know what causes that”…My husband went to a men’s conference and he heard a speaker who got that a comment a lot since he had 9 kids. He would just say, “yes, and clearly I’m better at it than you are.” 🙂
Shelly
So much win! Good for him!
Kate
I hated it when people asked if the pregnancy was “planned”.
Come on, I am 31 and getting my first baby, I know how to act if I don’t wanna get one 😀
Corrine
“Haven’t you guys figured out how to keep that from happening yet?” 🙁
Chansey
My mother in law told me when I was pregnant with my second, I think you’re bigger this time around. I wanted to slap her & blame it on the hormones, lol.
Kristi
A lot of these crazy comments are why I cringe at the thought of telling some of my co-workers. I’ve been pretty vocal about being “done” since #2 (currently 16 months old) and now *surprise* we’re expecting #3 in 7 months!
But we’re no less excited. Some people just don’t know what to say but feel they have to say something so very little thought goes into it. I find the worst comments come from those who don’t have any kids, especially ones who don’t ever want kids. Like I’m personally the reason for overpopulation and selfish for adding to the earth’s detriment. LOL
Megan Duncan
I agree, especially with the last one. I was amazed at all the stories I heard about people’s friends and friend’s of friend’s who suffered losses. It was not that I didn’t care, but it made me that much more terrified of my own complications.
Megan Duncan
And I just noticed this post is several years old!
The Fashionable HOusewife
Yeah, my favorites the third time around have been:
“Don’t you know what causes that by now or do I have to explain it to you?”
“You planned a third child?! I don’t believe you… You are just saying that to cover your ass and not look like an idiot.”
“You already had one of each, why are you so selfish?”
“You are pregnant? AGAIN? Wow, that’s really surprising. I didn’t think you would have any more kids….”
SUPER insulting!!!!!!!! It’s amazing… with the first pregnancy, you get all congratulations. With the second, you get a mix of congrats and surprise. With the third, everyone looks at you like you’re an idiot and makes absolutely ridiculous comments! I can’t wait to see what happens when I have another…………
Jenni
Number four and they look at you like you have two heads. Sigh. All I know is that number four (our final) gave me balance. Someone once told me that stopping on an even number does that. I couldn’t agree more. I got two hands, hubby has two hands. Perfect! [Disclaimer: If by some miracle we have another, I’ll have to rewrite this post…or go for six. Ha. Just typing that gave me chills!!]
Mrs. T
Wow, the second one especially, that’s so rude! Some people should keep their dumb mouths CLOSED.
Cassandra
I don’t think people should assume it is a compliment to tell an overweight woman she doesn’t look pregnant. While so many people cringe at people commenting about your belly, etc. I wished for it. I usually never heard any comments which made me wonder if people thought “is she pregnant or just fatter?”. I wanted the cute belly. If people said I didn’t look pregnant it made me feel like it must just look camouflaged by fat.
ohioreb
This. Yes! I just entered my third trimester, and am definitely showing. I wouldn’t call my bump “cute,” but there is obviously (Thanks to whoever invented compression tanks!) a baby in there, thank you very much. I had someone tell me just a week ago that I “don’t look pregnant.” It deflated my spirit. I over analyzed the comment for days. I kept asking my husband if I really looked pregnant or just “fatter.” I finally decided that the person meant it as a compliment, but goodness… as an overweight girl, with each pregnancy I look forward to when I am obviously with bump & not simply plump. Saying I’m not showing yet is not a good thing. :/
mm
It’s “pot belly”, not “pop belly” for men with a gut.
V
I was almost 3 months pregnant and somehow my grandmother just knew it. I didn’t want to say anything until I past the first trimester. She asked me and I responded “we are surely trying to make a baby.” She left it at that, but my aunt demanded to know if I really was. I repeated my previous answer, and to that she said “when your child is born I’m going to tell him/her you denied her.” She also wanted to see my belly to see if I had that vertical line on my belly. I was stunned by her rudeness & entitlement & intrusive behavior. It’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard from anyone.
Gabrielle
My husband and I have trouble conceiving fertility issues more his side than mine, knowing this friends still asked me “so who’s the father?” When we announced we were expecting.
I’ve also been told once or twice, that we are selfish for having an only child, even though we are trying to have another and painfully been through miscarriages.
But by far the worst comment I recieved was a work colleague saying “ugh yuck, you are too young to have a baby, just get an abortion, plenty of time for that sh*t later” when I announced at work, even knowing that both my husband I have fertility issues.
Jenni
Oh sweetie, that’s so hard to hear. 🙁 I’m embarrassed for that immature Cretin and I’d totally love to knock their block off! Either smile and wave or walk away, but next time definitely don’t be tossing your beautiful pearls in that swine’s direction!!!
courtney
I was pregnant with my first child and I was abou a size 2 when I got pregnant, well I got big faster than most people I was ALL BELLY and I had a friend who asked me this: “are you sure your not running a day care in there” I wss mortified and I felt ugly the rest of my pregnancy.
Jenni
I didn’t get to read all the comments yet. But at the last month of my first pregnancy, I didn’t go to church due to two phrases that constantly came up: “Are you STILL here?!” & “Haven’t you had that baby yet?”
All from well-meaning people, but my hormonal emotions couldn’t take it. I ditched practically everyone that knew me!
Keri Reames
Same reason I have been avoiding church! I’m so over people telling me how big he is going to be, how huge I am, and that there is no way I’m making my due date. I love telling people that he is measuring exactly where he is supposed to be, which is true.
Another one I truly hate every time it gets asked…”So when is the baby coming, what day?” I literally look at them like they have an extra nose growing on their face and say with a tone that insinuates they are crazy for asking, “When he is ready to come.”
Mrs. T
One thing someone said to me that really annoyed me…we were at a church potluck and a lady with three small children were getting them plates and settling them at a table before she ate, and the lady sitting beside me was all “See what you have to look forward to!” like caring for your children before yourself is a bad thing…ugh!
Id just like to say, I dont think theres anything wrong with people putting their hand on your baby belly! I didnt care at all…I think its more wrong to blow up at them, “Its my body, dont touch unless you ask!” Or something like that. That’s more rude than a belly touch and makes the person feel really stupid when they were just happy you are growing a baby! I touched my friends baby belly and she said rather jerkily, “If you touch mine Ill touch yours!” (I wasnt pregnant at the time.) Dont do things like that!
BeenThere
I will have to disagree with you on this one… You should never touch someone else’s belly without their permission. It is awkward for the recipient. If you didn’t mind, that is cool, and you an always offer to people, “do you want to feel her kick?” But without an invitation, keep your hands off the belly and offer a hug instead.
Sunny Fox
There are a lot of nasty things, intentional and unintentional, said to pregnant women; but sometimes there are a few hilarious ones… at least in retrospect.
My favorite funny misstep: I know you have a baby in your belly, but what are you growing in the back? (this was from a little boy to his aunt – my friend – while looking at her backside.)
Babies are a blessing – every last one of them – even when they grow into curious little boys. 🙂
taylor
I really disliked when people would say, “oh its your first baby so you’ll probably go way overdue.” I understand there isn’t really anything wrong with that but its really not something a nine month pregnant woman wants to hear. I wanted to be positive and at least hope I would get to meet my baby sooner than later.
MOLLY
My first baby was born on his due date. My second son was born on his due date. My third son was born one day before his due date. Kind of blows the theory of first babies being born late, right? The baby will come when he or she is ready!
Kaitlin K.
I hate when people compare belly sizes or say how tiny I am and then make rude comments about how their bodies looked when they were that far along. Oh! or when they find out I’m having a girl and say… “girls are a handful…” ok sorry… didn’t know that 1 or 2 kids made the stereotype for ALL girls!
Miss Kari
When I was pregnant with my first, a sweet old lady from my church asked me, “Are you feeling okay?”
“I feel great!”
“Are you sure? You look like you don’t feel well.”
“Yes… I’m fine.”
“Have you been sleeping? You just look tired.”
“…I’ve been sleeping fine, thanks.”
I ended up crying in the car telling my husband, “I’m 7 months pregnant- this is the best I can do!”
I look back and chuckle, but I couldn’t believe another woman wouldn’t realize how hurtful that could be to a very hormonal pregnant woman.
Erin
That is funny but sad at the same time!
Sara K
Where did you get a dress that big? The circus? I cried! People should know better! 😀
Kelly
I can add number 11: Mother in law said to me….
I was never done having kids I had to have a hysterectomy. I feel like he is mine. I would love to babysit for you if you work, I would love a chance to raise your child, I failed at your husband I spanked him once, beside it ‘s like i have been given another chance. And she always treated him as such he was the first grandchild. Never tell a mother the child she is carrying is yours
Kristen
My Mother in Law did the same thing with our daughter. She lost a baby at 7 weeks, and I know how hard that can be as my hubby and I have had several losses at all stages. She kept saying to us that she missed her daughter so much and that my daughter was the redeeming daughter for her. She felt obliged to tell me how much of my baby was her lost baby and that she was getting another chance.
To a hormonal and informally fiercely protective person, I COULD. NOT. HANDLE. it with her. I had to tell my hubby that I couldn’t spend time with her, even at the holidays because it was so frustrating to me. It was my daughter, and after I experienced losses, I was so grateful and even more protective. Definitely not her daughter.
Now that we’re having a son for our second, she doesnt know what to say or do except to tell me how much bigger I am this time around (I am considerably smaller and have gained only 9lbs at 30 weeks compared to 50 lbs with my first….)
Right there with you!!!
Evelyn
I have a few, some I have heard say to other ladies and some where said to me when I was pregnant:
– So did you guys finally when invitro or did you use someone else’s sperm or eggs? (because we dealt with infertility for 6 years, but we actually got pregnant the old fashion way)
– Who is your doctor? I don’t think he is doing a good job keeping your weight down (said to a friend of mine during a bible study)
– I ran my entire pregnancy, you should do something if you sit all day you will have a horrible time delivering (said to the same friend at the same bible study)
-Oh, you’re already wearing pregnancy clothes in your first trimester, I didn’t have to wear pregnancy clothes until my last trimester with either of my pregnancies. (Nevermind that I was so excited to be pregnant I wanted to wear pregnancy clothes)
– Have you picked out a name yet? _______? Isn’t that Scottish? That doesn’t make any sense since neither of you are Scottish.
– I heard you say that this is your first. So you are not counting your miscarriage huh?
Molly
My all time least favorite remarks listed in order of most outrageous:
1. Are you going to keep it?
2. Do you think this pregnancy will actually go well?
3. Don’t you think you are testing fate?
4. After all you’ve been through, why would you want another.
Disclaimer, I have high risk pregnancies. Since many of you are pregnant, I’ll spare you the details. Yes, pregnancy is harder for me than for most. No, that does not make my children somehow less of a blessing or less worth the labor of love that is pregnancy and birth. Sheesh people. If you can’t be encouraging and supportive, that is ok. I’ll settle for you being quiet 🙂
Erin
Those are sad! 🙁 Yes–people need to be quiet!!
Breanna
This is my second pregnancy and its been an unpleasant one. From the morning sickness that lasts all day and has gotten me so dehydrated I’ve needed IV fluids, to the aches and pains that I did not experience with my first pregnancy. If I complain at all or mention any of my symptoms people like to remind me that I wanted this. I’m happy I’m pregnant, I’m proud that I am making a beautiful person inside me, but pregnancy takes its toll on a women’s body and when people say “You are the one that wanted to get pregnant” it sounds negative.
All we really want/need is positivity and support. Tell us we look beautiful, ask us if we need help, tell us its going to be OK, distract us with something good or funny.
Kendra
I HATE when women say “oh how have you been?”, and it doesn’t seem to matter whether it is a positive or negative answer, the response is always “just wait!!”. Happy the baby is moving? Just wait, you’ll hate that in a few months. Can’t sleep? Just wait, it’ll get worse. Oh you feel round? Just wait. It drives me crazy!! It always feels like they’re telling me my current experience just isn’t valid.
Aimee
Love this – especially no 1! I always disliked going anywhere in the 3rd trimester because I was sure to hear several of these remarks.
Erin
Haha! I felt the same!
Lissa
“I thought you weren’t going to risk having another.” (Never said that, and definitely not to my grandmother.)
“Isn’t time you put that thing away?” (To hubby from his boss.)
“How old are you again?” (Seriously! My response to this is usually along the lines of, “Haven’t you heard? You’re never supposed to ask a lady her weight or age.”)
“How do the older two feel about that?” or “The older two are okay with this?” (We each have a teenager from before we married each other ~ they’re 17 & 19. I, however, didn’t realize that they got a say in our reproductive choices.)
Erin
How sad on some of those comments! 🙁