Do you have daughters? Do you watch your words around them? As the mom of three girls, I am learning how to weigh my words before I speak!
We were sitting side-by-side on the oversized recliner, and I was listening to her read from Magic Treehouse.
I smiled on the outside and beamed with pride on the inside: The girl who was barely reading at the beginning of the school year was now pronouncing words like scrambled and whispered and Triceratops with ease.
As I snuggled her closer and looked down, something about her eyelashes struck me as being unusual: They were uneven.
“Sweetheart, did you cut your eyelashes?” I asked.
She closed her book around her face and started trembling. She didn’t have to tell me the answer. Now I knew, but I didn’t know why.
“Honey, it’s OK,” I tried to ease her. “But Mommy just wants to know why you cut your beautiful eyelashes.”
She pulled the book down and tears rolled down her cheeks. Choking on stifled sobs, she told me.
“Mommy, the other day at school…Mrs. Alexander*, Macy’s mommy…she said: ‘You sure have BIG eyelashes.”
I knew this was a compliment. Any adult would. But my 7-year-old didn’t.
So she came home and did the unthinkable: She snipped her eyelashes as short as the scissors would allow.
She only did one before she got scared enough to stop. And, really, they aren’t terribly short–just uneven. And they will grow back.
But she had internalized the words from this woman for weeks: “You sure have BIG eyelashes.”
I am not blaming this other mother. My goodness…I know I’ve made similar mistakes.
Just the other night, I told a mom her daughter was SO CUTE. Perhaps I should have refrained–at least while the child was in earshot.
As the mom of three girls, I’m striving to be more intentional with my words–especially when it comes to beauty and body image.
I’m learning that this won’t come naturally. In organic conversation, I will lament to my husband that I still have weight to lose.
My girls pick up on this. I don’t want them to look back in a few years and think: “Well if Mommy thought she was too fat, then I must need to lose weight as well.”
I tell my girls daily how beautiful they are, but I am seeking to make sure they know that the loveliest feature a woman can possess is a heart that is following hard after Jesus.
As we put my daughter to bed last night, my husband and I reiterated that her eyelashes are beautiful, even telling her that people pay BIG money for big eyelashes. We told her they would grow, that the woman who had hurt her has meant it as praise, and to always come to us when she felt hurt. We would talk it out and help her understand, help her to see the bigger picture.
And as I went to bed myself, I prayed that I and moms like me would be quick to listen and slow to speak to our girls–making sure we weigh our words before they come out of our mouths.
How do you watch your words around little girls?
*I have changed names in this post.
Ashlee
So true and all too easy to do, thank you for sharing!
Erin
It is easy to do; I am praying that I will stop and think before speaking!
Jenknee
A subject close to my heart. I would have to say it is the hardest thing to monitor. We can monitor books, movies and music, but it is so hard to monitor all the “compliments” that our smart, beautiful, funny and thoughtful kind girl receives about her looks and her body…..and she is only 7!(it drives us nuts because we try to focus on the things she puts effort into)
Erin
Yes!! It is so hard! I told my girls again today to please come to Mommy when someone hurts their feelings, so we can talk through and process those emotions. Even little things can scar. I remember a teacher telling me the colors pink and red were ugly on me because of my red hair; I held onto that for years and refused to wear those colors!
JH
Oh my goodness, this is so hard! I read an article when my oldest daughter was pretty little that was titled something like Things to Never Say in Front of Your Daughter. It struck a nerve and I’ve always tried to follow the advice of that article, but I definitely don’t always get it right. I’ve realized that a lot of my body image issues came from things that my mother said to me or in front of me. Even as an adult, things she says can cut me right down, like “this is way too big for me – would you like to have it?” WTH? I just cringe when I realize that one comment, no matter how innocently given like in your daughter’s case, can stick with us for a long, long time. Your post was a wonderful reminder that we all need to praise beautiful hearts and spirits the most.
Erin
I am so sorry you experienced that with your mom–especially the “this is way too big.” That is so, so hurtful. It sounds like you have an awesome attitude, though, and you WILL help your daughters have positive body image!!
Sarah
This has been on my heart so much lately! My daughter is 7 and I know that my words carry such weight with her, I want to be wise in how I speak about beauty and and bodies. I grew up listening to my mom complain about her body in almost every way possible and it is so much a part of my thinking now. I don’t want that for my daughter. I am very careful to speak about exercise and eating well as a way to stay healthy. I’m sure I need to be more aware in other areas as well. Thanks for the reminder!
Erin
I feel the same way, Sarah!
Keelie Reason
This is so hard Erin. I have all boys, and they actually feel just as self-conscious about things. I know that the comments of other students and adults make them want to change the way they look. My oldest wanted to start lifting some weights and my middle child didn’t want to cut his hair…all because someone told them something that made them feel like they should or shouldn’t make a change. It is so important that we watch what we say. When we talk to them, we should be praising them for their accomplishments as well as telling them when they look nice.
Erin
Thanks for the reminder that we need to watch our words around boys, too! That is so sad that they think they need to alter their appearances at such a young age (or at any age!). Thanks for sharing!
Jean | DelightfulRepast.com
Erin, this is such an important post. Parents of boys should pay attention as well. We live in a celebrity-mad culture that puts way too much emphasis on the superficial. Wonderful to see parents who are emphasizing what’s inside.
Erin
I have to pray about not worrying about how things will be even worse when our kids are older! What a good reminder that we need to weigh our words around boys too!
Kelly S
Our 2nd daughter was born missing one eye and wears a prosthetic, so we work hard to talk about her special eye, her beautiful blue eyes, etc. (She is just 1 year old, but starting “affirming” habits now.)
Well, our 1stborn (age 3) has picked up on this and now seriously has a little “complex” about the fact that she has brown eyes, and she wishes she has blue eyes!
Of course, any adult observing the situation would think, “Thank your lucky stars you were born with TWO eyes of any color!” but like your post points out, kids don’t necessarily think the same way!
Thanks fr the reminder to be cautious!
Erin
Wow! They really do pick up on every single thing we say!
Cathy
Yes, we need to be so careful. As the mum of four daughters I’ve tried to be conscious to not only praise their outer beauty, but their inner beauty as well. And these days, I try to praise their ability to achieve a certain task, or character trait, more frequently than I do their physical qualities. I know what I focus on, they will too. Oh what a difficult job us mums have, as we compete with the ever increasing carnality of the world, and the pull of vanity and conformity in the hearts of our daughters. And though I know my mistakes are many, I am so conscious of His ever leading and guiding hand in my blessed role as mum of four precious girls.
Erin
I love that you are focusing on character traits, Cathy! It takes more intention to do that, but I think it will really pay off! Thanks for sharing!
JC
Growing up both my parents struggled with yo yo dieting. My mother constantly talked about how she needed to lose weight and how hard it was, etc. I never really thought about it until I moved out. When I became pregnant for the first time, my mother started her routine of complaining about losing weight, and I said, “mom, I will not let you talk about those things around the baby. You will not discuss your weight, her weight, or how you do not like to eat vegetables. You can encourage her to eat healthy and that’s it.” The crazy thing is my mother had no idea that her comments or diets had such an effect on my brother and me. Since then we have had several honest conversations about it.
Erin
That would have been so hard. My mom was never one to diet, and she would never tell me her weight. I’ve been doing Trim Healthy Mama this year, and I am trying to make sure I talk a LOT about the health benefits of eating this way and not about the weight loss around my girls. Thanks for sharing your story, JC!
Dena Norton
Love this, Erin!
Erin
Thank you, Dena! You are so inspirational with how you approach body image!
Edith
My son came home from kindergarten one day and asked, “Do my eyelashes really come halfway down to my knees?”. It isn’t just girls…..
Erin
🙁 So true–I don’t have boys yet, but they all take things to heart!
Jim Desler
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