Healthy You
Are you done having babies? Has it been a bittersweet decision? Bring out the tissues. This post is for you.
Dear Mom Who’s Done Having Babies,
I hear you. You see, just recently…
I gave them away.
My maternity clothes. Tightly and neatly, I packed them in a reusable grocery sack and delivered them to a young twenty-something friend expecting her first.
Oh, I told myself I was just getting rid of the ones I could never hope to fit again anyway. My mid-30s, post-three-babies body is strikingly different than the one of the first-time expectant mother I was in my late 20s.
And so I sorted through the container that held sizes XS through L, keeping only the biggest sizes “just in case.”
With each fold, I thought about how I caressed the front of the shirts as my belly had grown. How little knees and elbow jabs grabbed for my attention in the green one. How I had worn the black and multi-colored patterned one the day we found out our first was a girl.
The week before I had gifted a different friend–a mother of four with the youngest a bouncing baby girl–a large trash bag full of infant clothes. In my fall decluttering, I decided to save only those clothes which had meaning for me, the ones tied to special pictures and memories, the ones I could cut into tiny squares and piece together into quilts for my three girls one day.
The baby swing and seat and strollers had gone before; in a rash attempt to clean out the garage, we sold them in our local children’s consignment sale last spring.
And as our youngest nears 2 1/2, signs of the baby years continue to dwindle. She is weaning. She is now in a big girl bed. Before we know it, she will be out of diapers.
Soon, only the evidence etched on my now-empty belly will remain.
Is this, perhaps, the hardest season of transition?
High school to college. College to adulthood. Single to married. Newlyweds to parents.
They were all so black and white. The strings cut. The chapters closed. No questions. No turning back. Each season wrapped up tightly and stored in life’s library of memories.
But this one. It’s different.
Like Emily, I dwell in possibility. But the conversation that’s been held again and again behind closed doors. The one he’s OK with me saying aloud.
We are done–for now. Quite possibly forever.
And I didn’t expect it to be this way. This ache that still lingers. The pregnancy announcements that sting. It’s nothing like the seasons that have gone on before.
One of the first things I said after my 3rd was born: “I could do that again.”
And now I may not.
“Did you know?” I’ve asked friends in their 40’s. “Did you know when you were ‘finished’? Or did it just happen?”
Some say they did just know. Others say it just happened, and they wish they had had more–when they could. That it wasn’t necessarily a conversation but just a passing of time until time ran out.
I’ll turn 34 this week. And although my head rationalizes that it’s cultural propaganda that says healthy pregnancies end at 35, my long-range-planning tendencies tell me that if not now, then it may very well be never. If not now, I would be deemed advanced maternal age forever and always after.
A friend and I were chatting the other day. She with three the same ages as my three. And both our “babies” are now well past age two.
“I feel like people are either waiting for an announcement or wondering if we are done.” I told her.
“Yeah, me too,” she wrote back.
“But you know what? I doubt people even think about such things. They probably aren’t thinking about it at all.” I reasoned.
“I do,” she said. “I think about things like that about others.”
“Yeah, me too.” I responded. “Me too.”
And I know such things because there was the friend who began texting me to ask why I wasn’t pregnant a little after our youngest turned a year.
“I would like to get healthy first,” I wrote back. “I feel depleted after three back-to-back pregnancies and so many years of breastfeeding.”
She wrote back a few weeks later: “Do you feel healthy yet?”
And me: “My husband isn’t ready for more.”
A few weeks later: “Is he ready yet?”
There’s the movement among Christians to have as many babies as God gives. And if God has truly lain that on their hearts, they are to obey Him. Children always, always are a blessing.
But my sisters, a Christian mama should not feel isolated, judged and condemned because her womb remains closed by either secondary infertility or life trials or a decision she and her husband have prayed through.
I don’t particularly feel that judgement from others, but I know many of you do.
God’s calling for one family to have many is not a mandate for all.
When a mother with health issues asks about natural birth control methods in a Christian mothering forum, and the answer comes from a young 20-something mother: “I’m trusting God with my family size. You should too.”
It doesn’t help, friends. It hurts.
Because that mama–and this mama–are trusting God as well.
Perhaps the mama with health issues is trusting in God’s wisdom to say “no” to more.
Perhaps the mama in financial trouble is trusting in God’s provision of a job for her husband, so that they do not need to rely on the government to pay for medical bills*.
Perhaps the mama with a marriage in trouble is trusting in God to redeem it before opening her womb once more–or ever.
Perhaps the mama with a husband closed to the idea of more children is trusting that God will change his heart if they are to have more babies.
Perhaps the mama with secondary infertility is trusting in God’s opening up of her womb in His timing. Or of Him keeping it closed altogether.
And so the question for me–and for you, dear mama who’s done having babies–is this:
Can we lay it at the altar? Can we trust in the outcome being glorious no matter what? Can we relinquish control?
Can we walk into the next season with thanksgiving for the baby years? Can we be content in today?
Because if that is what God is asking, go in obedience. And go in grace, dear mama. Go in grace.
Are you done having babies? How did you know when you were done having babies?
Please keep the conversation respectful, no matter your convictions in this area.
*I neither condone nor condemn those on Medicaid for Pregnancy. My family birthed two babies that way. But I do respect those who are trying to get off of it. There’s hope: We did.
Claire
I’m done, but not of my own choosing. I was always challenged to conceive, and was never able to stay pregnant past the first trimester. I have a beautiful 6 year old son who we adopted as a newborn, and it breaks my heart that my baby days are over. All the years that I waited and longed for a baby, I had a reasonable expectation that a baby would be in my future one way or another. It never occurred to me how it would feel to be on the other side, when babies are a thing of the past. I feel horrible that I can’t give my son a sibling, and even though I love the stage he’s in now, I wonder if I will ever stop grieving the end of the infant/toddler/preschool years.
Alena Belleque (The Homemade Creative)
I’m in the same boat, and it hurts. My daughter (our 3rd baby, but firstborn) is 2.5 years old (and our 4th was lost like the first 2 last summer). Primary infertility, and now secondary, too.
Claire
I’m so sorry for your losses, Alena. Such a heavy cross to carry.
rose
I am right there with you except for the losses. my husband and I tried for 6 long years and much to our joy and excitement we had a beautiful baby girl who will be 3 in April. However my heart longs for another one more than I can even begin to express. It hurts it’s a pain that never goes away or get’s any easier.
Claire
I’m so sorry Rose. It’s so hard.
Bethany
We have 4 children ages 6, 4, almost 2, and 3 months. I was sure we were done. Glad to be done. Suddenly we are asking each other……. are we done? Should the vasectomy be scheduled? We had two false positive home pregnancy tests. When I called to make my first appointment, I told them the tests seemed awfully light. They said there had been a vad batch of tests lately. Using an off brand that had been very accurate in the past, we found out I was NOT. I was surprised to feel disappointment. I kept it to myself. Tonight my husband said he had been thinking he would be good if I was pregnant. He asked when the next would be born, if I got pregnant now. I answered that it would be better to get pregnant in February so that the oldest would be back in school, and work would be slow once he or she was born. That is when I realized that I had actually been entertaining this idea. We agreed we were done. I thought I was happy to close the door on the family growing chapter. Now what? Maybe we need to talk about WHY. Why do we want another VS why do we want to be done
Erin
WOW!! It sounds like you have some big decisions to make!
Kim Treneman-Pape
O had a miscarriage on my first preganacy. My second is a boy. He is 12 now. He has an ASD and ADHD. I did want another but husband said no ( he remembers it as being a mutual decision). I miss the first baby. Since I was 4 I’ve prayed for one girl and one boy. In my heart the first was a girl even though she was only at six weeks gestation – no way to tell at that age.
Anna @ Feminine Adventures
My heart goes out to you, dear Claire! Praying for God’s peace and comfort for you. <3
Claire
Thank you Anna. It has been humbling to read all the comments on this post, some of which contain crosses much heavier than mine. Thank God for the children we have each been blessed with.
Sharon
I am done but not by choice. After my last miscarriage. Soon after my d &c was done. I developed adenomyosis. A type of endometriosis. I had three children. Two girls and one boy. My middle child was one year old son when he died. I have my two girls but it’s heartbreaking. I am done having babies.
Lucinda
It took 18 yrs of loss and heartbreak to have my son. He’s almost 6 months old. Since the emergency c-section that brought him into the world, I’ve had constant complications from flat lining on the table to covid to dvts and embolism along with ppd and ppa. Tomorrow I take the steps to ensure I’ll never take another pregnancy test. I have cried like I’m grieving and I can’t explain to my husband why I am so sad.
Nicole
I knew that we were done when my husband developed the stomach flu the night we brought our second home from the hospital. Having two c-sections and PPD, I knew that it was going to be so difficult with another. I feel bad saying that I did not pray about it. We would have loved to have more but I am glad now that we just found out that our son was diagnosed on the spectrum. We are praying for provision in both wisdom and endurance.
I will always miss those things about having a newborn, like breastfeeding and little baby kicks before they were born. When I get sad, I remember how grateful and blessed I am to have my two.
Jennifer
We’re pregnant with our second. Since our first got stuck we will have to have another c section, a mere 13 months after our first. I want to be excited, but I’m mostly just terrified.
betsy
Jennifer, you were me 6 years ago. My first son got stuck (and remains permanently injured) and I had my 2nd son via c-section 14 months after he was born. My first wasn’t walking or talking yet… he had just started crawling! When we told my mom about the new baby on the way she said, “This is SOOO good! They’ll be like twins!” sure enough, she was right! They’ve been two peas in a pod the last 6 years… always playing together well, always into the same things. It was such a blessing.
I went onto have 2 more babies close together and I do wish we had spaced those further apart (4 kids in 4 years left me a bit ragged). 🙂
This is my 5th baby and I think we are done… I think I’m only comfortable having 4 c-sections.
Kaely
Jennifer,
I want to encourage you. I’ve had 3 cesareans and my first two are 15 months apart. It is challenging at first because you have two babies really. But you can survive it. Take any help you can possibly get, anyone who is willing to come play with the oldest even while you sit there and feed the baby. Do what you need to do to survive, lay down on the couch with the baby and let the toddler play, or watch a show, or sing songs together. While you lay there. I will be praying for you as you launch into life with 2 close-together. It’s a crazy time at first, but it quickly gets easier and you learn how to do it. Don’t let anyone convince you that you aren’t capable, you are and you can do it! Love, hugs and prayers. If you’re close to NJ, I will come and help!
Beth
You sound like a sweetheart!
Nicole D
Jennifer, I have two boys that are 10 months 1 day apart! My 1st was a C-section and 2nd was a VBAC ( horrible and dangerous being that close after but that’s another story)! The Early days were busy and sometimes challenging but they are now 8 &9 ( March 2006 and January 2007) and each other’s best friend. It really is a lot of fun! I have 2 other children also whom are younger and not as close in age to the older two. They get along just great but there is nothing like the bond that my 2 oldest boys have being so close in age.
Terri
My two are 14 months apart! The oldest loved to help with the baby and they are really close! They are now 27 and 26!
Alissa
I have two boys and my 3 year old was diagnosed with autism earlier this year a month prior to his birthday. I got a c-section for the second time after really hoping for a VBAC and while I was in pain I made the decision to have my tubes tied. No one explained other options to me and after the procedure I regretted it. I am looking into getting a reversal but since insurance doesn’t cover reversals I have to wait and continue to pray and trust God’s will in this situation.
Suzanne Gunter McClendon
Alissa,
Years ago, I was involved with a ministry that helped women to fund tubal reversals by donations. The Lord’s answer for me was “no”. Ultimately, I had to have a hysterectomy because of tumors. This part of my life is now over, but maybe the wonderful folks at Blessed Arrows can help you to get the reversal that you desire. Please pray about it and I will be praying for you. Here is their URL: http://www.blessed-arrows.com/
Your sis in Christ,
Suzanne Gunter McClendon
Amanda
There are ministries out there to pay for tubal reversals as well as vasectomy reversals…we were blessed with a girl after a vasectomy reversal ♡
Nicole
Would you mind sharing those ministries? How long after the reversal did it take? Starting to regret our decision…
Pam
My first was 2 weeks overdue, induced without a single contraction, and eventually a C-section. This recovery was incredibly hard. She had colic, sleep for 45 minutes at a time (only while being held), I had PPD and literally couldn’t get in my own bed for 4 months. My second C-section was just 20 months later. This one has been better but still hard. A few weeks after being home with my son I had this overwhelming feeling that we were done. That our family is complete. Some days are hard, but overall it’s great!
Ann
I’m still praying for God to open my husbands heart to our last. I am not done. My heart aches.
Dee
Thank you so much for this! I would love to have more, but for personal reasons we don’t and I have been told (by family) “oh,well, we love babies that’s why we keep having them.” Who doesn’t love babies!!! As if we wouldn’t love more. It can be a painful judgment. Thank you for the grace.
Stacy
I have been struggling with this idea for years. I am 44 and my baby is 9 now. When we were a young married couple, my husband told me he always wanted 3 and I told him I always wanted 5, so we met in the middle and decided we would have 4. I always secretly hoped he would want more after our daughter was born, or that he would feel the way I do about adoption and change his mind so we could have one more baby in our home. To my ultimate sadness, he never did. Never changed his mind. Insisted we were stretched thin financially and emotionally and that another baby was not in our future. His quiver is clearly full, but I have, for the last 9 years, felt as though mine wasn’t quite. I want to thank you for reminding me that I have a choice. Can I be content in today? Is God asking me to go forward in obedience, relinquish control and trust that the outcome will be glorious no matter what? He must be, or I believe He would have changed my husband’s heart. I have the choice to dwell on what might have been, or go forward and pour my heart into the beautiful family He blessed us with. Thank you for lovingly reminding me that I can go forward in His grace.
Laura
Thank you for sharing this. Our youngest is almost 3 and I would love to have more or adopt but my husband is done. I pray that we will be like-minded and hope that God will change his heart. It’s good for me to be reminded that his heart may never change and that I am responsible for how I respond and whether I trust God.
Amy
Your story seems identical to mine (right down to our age). I’m loving on our four and thanking God for each one he blessed us with.
Kathy
I want to start off with saying thank you for yourblogs. I do not usually comment on blogs but felt compelled to tonight in my inability to sleep. I have found encouragement from your blogs and wished to tell you. My husband and I married when we were older. We had our son when I was almost 40. I was on the high high risk scale during my pregnancy. We had it all planned out, the day of the planned C-section, when we were going to finish shopping for baby clothes and diapers. Well, God and JP had other plans. I went into pre-term labor at 32 weeks. He stayed 1 week in NICU and has not stopped since. I always wanted several children but count myself blessed to have my now almost 4 year old son. I did not have a choice as to having a second child as I had to have a hysterectomy last spring. How many children a person has is a very personal decision. 1 child, no children, multiple children. We all must pray and ask God to direct our path and guide us in the direction He wants us to go. He will make it known to you which path. Pray on and we will pray with you.
Kate @ Little Blue Chalet
I am done. It was not my choice. I always say, ” I wanted 3, my husband wanted 2, the Lord gave us 1.” And that is truly what happened. Sure we tried many things for a couple years, but nothing worked. We had a conversation and knew that our time of trying was over. It was bittersweet. Bitter to be done, but sweet to turn our attention fully on our daughter. She is now 12 and I could never imagine starting over now! 🙂 It was especially difficult as my husband and I had the first grandchild; the first baby of the new generation. So of course, everyone was looking to us to have our second before they did, and it just didn’t happen.
I will say, we attended a church recently for over a year and a half. Most, not all, of the families had an open womb belief. They also were all SAHM and home schooled. And wore skirts exclusively. It was extremely difficult to attend with only one child. And I didn’t home school. And I worked full-time. And I love my jeans.
It wasn’t the church so much as those attending the church. But it was enough for my family to start worshiping elsewhere.
Tara E
Great post! I’m pregnant with our 3rd at 33, which will be our last, unless by some miracle or change of heart… it kinda makes me sad, and relieved. Parenting small kids and being pregnant in your 30s, is tiring! I’m so tired of seeing comments from moms with “I’m better than you b/c of my choices” attitudes. Wish we could accept that one person’s “best” and what God’s plan for their life/family, is not one-size fits all… and to rather support and encourage. That each one of us needs to ask and trust God for what He would have for OUR family. Not my place to judge others on the size of their families or their personal choices. 🙂
Katie
Thank you for this post, it made me cry. My husband is done with having babies but it’s been a hard road for me to come to terms with this. I cried when he chose to have a vasectomy but I respect his decision and pray that God will open his heart to adoption one day. Our baby is almost 2.5 and I do enjoy what we are able to do as a family with out having to deal with baby stuff and I love watching my 3 children teach each other daily and I will continue treasure each day as they grow.
Rebecca honore
I have struggled terribly with my husbands vasectomy. We have 2 kids, but are only 24/25 and he pushed the surgery and decision for 3 weeks after our 2nd was born. It’s been a true test of faith to believe and trust that God will have control despite a surgery. I am now wanting to adopt when our youngest is 4-5. Praying God will change one of our hearts. Praying for you mama!
Sara
I struggle with my husbands vasectomy too, except I’m the one who pushed him to get it! After the birth of our third child 3 years ago, I felt panic about having any more. I had 3 children in 4 years, and my youngest suffered with severe food allergies and ENT issues til he was almost 2. Now that all 3 kids are in a great age (7,4,3) I long for one more. Just one! We are not doing well financially so I know it’s absurd for me to feel this way. But I love seeing the way my “babies” interact and bond, and I see how wonderful they are with friends babies, so I feel we have so much love to give! I pray thanks to God every day for the 3 that He has blessed me with, and I continue to pray that He will help me through this transitional time.
Sarah
Thank you for sharing! We have had 4 children in 4 1/2 years mostly because of my age (just turned 41 last week). After 3 c-sections I was terrified to think of a 4th. We have 4 boys and I desperately wanted a daughter and felt like I grieved the fact that I would never have one. However, now that our baby is over a year old I want one more baby and would love to adopt a little girl but my husband is done. I pray God would change his heart or mine in this matter. It is a source of sadness sometimes. I do praise God every day for my boys and I love being their mom!
5mom
I just want to say that I have been struggling with this too, actually seeing a therapist to try to help me. My husband is adamant we are done and wants a vasectomy. We have 4 boys and lost our 5th baby 2 days before Christmas at almost 12 weeks. I can’t move on and want another, maybe a girl this time, so badly. I’m so confused. Our youngest is 3+ and I’m 36. I feel this pressure to just do it, but also conflicted because our life is good. I’m a mess over it! So encouraging to see others feel the same.
Minta
I am in the same place now. I am pregnant with our 3rd, and though I’ve always wanted 4 or 5, my husband is done. I’m heartbroken that it’s not something he is willing to talk about. I don’t want to be bitter or resentful and am praying that God will help me to be content.
Grammyprepper
*I neither condone nor condemn those on Medicaid for Pregnancy. My family birthed two babies that way. But I do respect those who are trying to get off of it. There’s hope: We did.” As did I…went back to school when my youngest was a newborn, got my degree and license and returned tobeing taxpayer…nothing wrong with using the system the way it was meant to be used!
Wells
Amen.
Steph
We’re done, although at times that breaks my heart. I had a tubal ligation after my second c – section. Both pregnancies I had numerous complications, including a twisted pelvis from a car accident, extreme morning sickness that lasted 4-5 months and caused me to lose massive amounts of weight, and severe pre – eclampsia. I was moments away from a stroke when they took me into the o.r., and that threatened the life of my little girl. The second pregnancy was almost as severe as the first. Both times I also had to face my husband deploying days after our children were born, and deal with other health problems on top of it. My husband and I made the decision together that we could not risk having more. And at the time we felt a peace we knew was from God about our decision. To this day my husband still believes with his whole heart that we made the right decision. But as I watch the families of those I love grow, my heart breaks that I can’t have more. I feel incredible joy for my friends and family. .. At the same time, though, there is a part of me that may always mourn the family that could have been. I have received incredible support about our decision, and incredible judgement. The judgemental attitudes make it even harder than it already is…and it’s not like we have a time machine to reverse our decision.
I do wonder though, if some people don’t even realize how judgemental they come across. Maybe if we all took a moment to listen to our own words for a moment we could spare each other a lot of pain.
Suzanne Gunter McClendon
I know what you mean. The judgements can really, really sting.
Some people do not understand that trusting Heavenly Father with our family’s size also means that we will trust Him when the answer is “no”, and that answer comes in many forms.
Jennifer
I am done at the age of 34. I have 3 beautiful healthy girls. My youngest is going to be 4 next month. I didn’t get to choose to be done, it was best for my health. I think I will always yearn for a fourth. Might have been that baby boy we thought we would have.
Gredina
My husband was a farmer. He wanted a boy. But after three girls, he couldn’t take the ruckus. I have mental health issues. Postpartum blues don’t help that. So we stopped having more kids. It was the situation we found ourselves in. I can’t help wonder what other children we may have had, especially now that we have sold the farm and moved closer to my family where I would have heaps of help and support. But unless the LORD decides to undo the doctor’s work, no more kids. But now, closer to family, I do get to love and cuddle my nephews and nieces. 🙂
Keri
My baby just turned one and I’ve had a hard time with how fast he and his older brother are growing up. I want another baby. My husband would like to have another one, but I doubt it will happen. Our first pregnancy with our oldest boy, we had twins. We found out 16 weeks into the pregnancy that our daughter had a fatal birth defect. She lived about 7 hours. Even though we have peace, it still hurts and we still miss her daily. Our second pregnancy went smoothly, but we had a very hard time relaxing and just enjoying the pregnancy after the traumatic first time around. Since then, we started a non-profit to minister to others facing similar situations, which means we hear the worst case scenarios frequently now. We’re just all too aware of the things that can go wrong and I don’t know if we’d be ready to face the possibilities again before I’m “too old.” So, for the time being, I’m a bit of an emotional mommy, missing my daughter, chasing my boys, and debating on whether or not to give away the baby gear.
Rebecca
After the birth of my fifth, I knew we were done. I had thought we were done after the fourth – after three girls, we’d finally had a boy. And after finding out he was a boy, I gave away all my baby girl things. Not to mention, my husband felt done. You see, after a first pregnancy with no issues whatsoever – aside from taking three years to get pregnant in the first place – we suffered a near-devastating loss of our second at 20 weeks. Getting pregnant after that, although I was certain I wanted more children, was terrifying. And it never became less so.
After another healthy pregnancy, I had a miscarriage. Then our son was born and I thought that would be it. I wasn’t ready for my husband to go the vasectomy route by any stretch, but he felt finished and I thought we were. I was okay with that, but often said I’d have another “if I could.”
Turns out, I could indeed. Lol it was a hard pregnancy and a hard birth. And ten years, almost to the day, after our first girl was born, our last was born healthy and I knew then that my body was done. That doesn’t mean I don’t still get pangs of longing once in a while. It doesn’t mean I’ve eagerly let go of all the little baby items…far from! But I feel at peace and I am thankful to God for all four of my living children as well as my angels!!
Thank you for writing this post! It is both affirming and comforting to know there are others who feel so similarly about this topic.
michelle
Beautifully written. I wss just thinking about this very topic at church this morning. We married later and it took awhile to get pregnant. I had my last at 43. We have 3. If I were younger I would love to have at least one more. Trusting that this is what God has for us.
Michaela
I say I’m done after an emergency c-section and a scheduled c-section(because I was too scared to have a natural birth after the way my first attempted delivery ended in emergency c/s). I have two healthy boys age 5 and 2. I have baby fevor really bad right now, I would LOVE to have another baby but my hubby is looking for a better job since the one he has is just enough for bills and that’s it….I am 33 so I have a few years to make it happen if my husband finds a better job we may try for #3. My hope and prayer is for a better job for my husband, I always thought I would have 3 kids but financially we need more income so for now sadly I say I’m done….
Stephanie
I have 4 children. There is 18 years between my youngest and 3rd. My first 3 children I had with my first husband. I always wanted 4 but he had a vesectomy so we couldn’t have more. My heart always wanted another one. When I married again this husband too had a vesectomy and After 18 years I had come to grips with the knowing I would never have anymore. But then one day my DH and I were talking about kids and he said he never wanted kids with anyone before until he met me. We prayed about it and discussed it and in May of 2013 he had a vesectomy reversal. We conceived in September 2013 and now have a 5 month old son. I struggle daily now with the question do I want more? How does one decide if its over? Everytime I think of it being over I become overwhelmingly sad. I was forced to say goodbye to the possibility of more babies with my first marriage and it took years to come to terms with it. Now that my second husband and I went through the reversal and trusted G-d to give us a baby, it seems wrong not to continue. It breaks my heart to have to come to that decision once again. I am 40 now though and I know my years are numbered. Honestly, this is one I have been struggling with. We joke every day is today “baby on” or is today “baby off” because I just can’t make up my mind……sigh…..
Rochelle
What did you decide?!?
Erin
Thank you so much for this article! As a Christian you feel as though you should have as many as God gives but my husband said we were officially done after 3. I need to remember to be content with the three beautiful blessings we have.
Ann
Your comment really struck a chord with me. I had my daughter when I was 19, and my son when I was 29. Never had trouble getting pregnant and VERY easy pregnancies & deliveries. But since my son was born, we have struggled thru 5 miscarriages and when I finally made peace with the idea that God intended for me to have 2 beautiful children and no more, suddenly that was not acceptable to people outside my home & my marriage. When I would say, “Apparently God’s plan is for me to take care of 2 and He’s taking care of my other kids” I was told repeatedly that I was looking at it all wrong. How could it possibly be God’s plan for us not to have all the children we wanted??? Well, because He has blessed me richly with a full of life 19 year old in college and a non-stop 9 year old who would wear-out ANY mother. Yes, physically I could have more with medical intervention, but I’m done. I didn’t think I would be after 2, but this is God’s plan for me. Who am I to question it 🙂
Faith
I wanted 4 babies before I got married. After 1 year of Ttc, I had missed miscarriage. I was so devastated.
Then I had my eldest. 8 months later, another one came as surprise. Then it was nonstop of baby life – milk bottles, breastfeeding, diapers, u name it.
Am I content now? Yes. Another baby? Maybe. 2 times of c sections not only leave me a scar, but a itchy one. I especially understand how it feels to say “wait until my health is better. ” if I ever have another one, I don’t want to feel so rushed as it did with my last one.
Phew!
steffj89
Hi. Great post, I was one of the moms who just knew. I was done and I was comfortable with that….until last week. My husband and I were both around 30 when we met. We married when I was 31 and got pregnant on our wedding day. Our first was born when I was 32, our second at 33. When I was 37 we had an awkward weird conversation about were we done or not and left it that if I got pregnant in the next six months great, but if not we were done. Ha! Shows what we knew, we conceived sometime during THAT weekend trip. Sometimes I think God hears those conversations and laughs at us. But I knew all through the pregnancy it was the last and though it was bittersweet I was also exultant. Here I was in my third textbook perfect pregnancy at 37 when for 16 years doctors had told me to be prepared that conception and pregnancy would be difficult if not impossible. But I knew myself, I knew I wanted to savor this babe, but I didn’t want to spend my 40s pregnant or even crawling around with an infant. He has enriched our lives in ways I never dreamed of but I was still ok with being done. I rejoiced in his first day of preschool and I flat out celebrated ridding the house of baby stuff and maternity clothes and throwing away that last diaper…then came last week and he joyfully got off the school bus with his big brothers and ran…excitement bubbling over. He wanted to show me a wiggly tooth. I laughed and teased about pulling it for him, biting my tongue to keep from crying out. ..” not yet…he’s my BABY!” And over the next couple of days I watched…it fell out by itself Thursday. I cried myself to sleep Thursday night because that tooth made it real, and somehow more final. Our days of babyhood are completely over.
For what it’s worth, I was not considered high risk with him for age, and they said in most cases unless there are other issues up to 40 is fine. Pregnancy at 37 was harder than pregnancy at 32, but then I had very active 4 and 5 year old boys to wrangle as I went through it too. If you aren’t ready to say done, don’t put an arbitrary age on it. Bless you for your very thought provoking post.
Shelley
I’m currently in the season of done because my husband is. Our 4th child is 4 months old, and although I’d love to have more, he is so ready to be done. It’s painful but I also feel like there is probably no magic number. Whether you have 1 or 10, the baby stage will be missed, ached over when it’s gone. I’m lucky and blessed to have had 4 healthy children from 4 healthy pregnancies and I also agree with the fact that if I’m meant to have more children God will change my husband’s heart. Trying to enjoy my youngest all the more because he is probably my last. Deeply regret not savoring the moment more with my oldest two.
Shannon
Oh I am so finished. I had my first at 36, my second three weeks before I turned 40. Had I gotten an earlier start I would most likely have had a litter. But at this age, after years of breast feeding, years of life-altering (and in huge ways) minutes/hours/days … as I approach my 44th birthday, I long for a small slice of what my pre-baby life was like. Forget the deflated belly and boobs. Just give me a fingerprint free window, a peaceful shower, a meal that doesn’t involve a broom afterwards and a car without french fries in crannies I never knew existed for a week – and I might consider babysitting someone else’s brood. But for now I pray for the time when I’ll miss the insanity that is now my life.
Claire
You are so blessed that you were able to have those two. I too got a late start (married at almost 35 and started trying immediately), and was never able to carry to term.
Ais'Lynn
I so understands how you feel! There’s a few differences though. I did start younger and we had 9, the youngest being 5 year old twins. I’m now 38 and we talked about it but decided for my husband to have a vasectomy. To be honest the thought of starting over again with car seats and everything makes me a bit ill. I never intended to have a large family, it just worked out that way and I too hope there comes a time when I miss all of this, but I am not so sure that will happen lol
abby
Wow, seems like almost everyone commenting here has that longing for just one more baby… glad I’m not the only one! I have two, and go back and forth between wanting another and not (depending on my stress level that day) but the hubby absolutely does not, so I really don’t talk about it. Although I must admit, I’m secretly hoping for that “accident” to happen… well kinda. Makes me feel a little more normal that I’m not the only one feeling really sad at the thought of never having another baby 🙂
Misty
My husband was the same way! There is a 4 1/2 year gap between my middle and youngest. No accident, I just prayed that God would soften his heart. I still want another….but were done.
Josie
Wow, Abby… I could have written the exact same paragraph as you… that is EXACTLY how I feel! Glad to know I’m not the only one!
Brittany Vazquez
Oh man. That was me for several years. We had our 2 boys in just under 3 years, and my husband was DONE. At that time, in my heart, I wasn’t. It caused us to have many tearful arguments. But after a while, I let it go and just hoped for that fateful “accident”. We had 2 “accidents” that both ended in early miscarriage. I was devastated…
Last year, my husband said the words “If you want another baby, we can have another baby!” I was overjoyed! We agreed to not start trying right away, but to start working towards it. After a year, a couple situations with our oldest child, and a lot of soul searching-we decided not to go through with it. We are done. It was my decision, and the irony in that does not go unnoticed.
Part of me is absolutely crushed. I want another baby so badly! But I’m also relieved….it’s almost like a weight has been lifted off of me.
I truly believe that no matter how many children you have, you will always want another baby! But I’m choosing to acknowledge my limits and do right by my boys. Even if it breaks my heart a little to do so ♥️
Sarah @ The Gospel at Home
Thank you! It is so – nice – that someone has written that it is OK to be done. We are done. And we have *just* two. Before becoming a mother, I wanted 3 or 4 – but then I went through two difficult pregnancies and, though straightforward births, bad tearing and postnatal-anxiety with my first. With my second I had nine blood clots, in hospital three times, before I was put on daily blood-thinning injections. Both my MW and Dr advised me that my body doesn’t do well with pregnancy. I “feel” done even beyond body issues and I love that I have a boy and girl and that they will be close in age together. I love our little family and feel so blessed by it. People often think “quiverfull” means many but I like to think that the quiver is the size of the family so therefore it is always full, no matter the number of children 🙂 I hope God lessens your ache and gives you hope for your new stage of mothering if He has no {natural} children in store for you again. Blessings x
Amy
I think you are spot on about your quiver full comment. Each quiver holds a unique number of children. I believe God’s number for each family is different. Some hold a dozen , some none. It doesn’t make one empty or one full. We attend church with several families that are unable to conceive. Their struggles have opened my eyes to many things. One is how hurtful the Christian family can be without realizing it. (For example: My son bought me a shirt for Mother’s Day that says “I’m a mom. What’s your superpower?” To someone desperate to be pregnant, that could be excruciating to see.) Just my thoughts. 🙂
Sue
I don’t normally wade through all the comments on a blog but these were really very interesting and encouraging. I have been married 27 years and didn’t have our first child until 15 years into our marriage due to health difficulties and four tubal pregnancies through those years. We’ve had five boys since 2002 and my “baby” is five years old. I am sure sad the baby days are over but I have tried to savor every last thing with my youngest son. I am now 47 and my husband nearly 49 (and has an incurable, currently latent lymphoma) so we are surely done. Everyone teases that we might want to “try for that girl.” I always say, if she’s delivered to our doorstep, we’ll take her ;). Having children is such a gift and a blessing…and tiring. Hardest and greatest job ever!
Steff89
LOL We have three boys and people often ask if we are going for a girl. My response is when HE gets pregnant and stays up the first 5-6 months we will talk about it.
Sarah
Well said, Sue! Thank you!
Amanda
i knew I was done when my first pregnancy almost killed my daughter and myself. I had high bp for a few months that turned into preeclampsia and then hellp syndrome when I developed hellp syndrome they induced me at 33 weeks because my liver and kidneys were starting to shut down. I was sick the whole pregnancy and kept saying she was trying to kill me but didn’t really know I was really on that edge. I don’t want to go through that again and can’t put my husband and daughter at risk of losing me.
Andrea
I also nearly died from HELLP syndrome 6 years ago. My boys were born at 28 weeks. It took a lot of tears and all of my faith and trust in God to get pregnant again. I delivered our daughter HELLP free in May. If you do get pregnant again, you will be watched carefully plus you will know what to look for. Prayers mama.
Megan
My husband and I have 2 children, a boy and a girl. They are 21 months apart. I had complications with both, especially my 2nd pregnancy, my daughter. We had an absolutely amazing, prayerful Dr (who we actually keep in touch with) whom God placed in our lives during a very difficult and scary pregnancy. I spent 6 months on strict bed rest, along with cholestasis (non stop itching all over my body that nothing can’t stop, except for delivering the baby) that started at 4 months and severe anemia and gestational diabetes. That was the most excruciating 6 months of my life. I am even an athletic, healthy woman, I worked out and stayed busy through my pregnancies (up till I was put on bed rest). When I almost lost my daughter during pregnancy I remember begging God to let her live. Then during delivery I remember at one point being in and out of consciousness, they lost my daughters heartbeat and had to put a probe into her scalp to even be able to monitor her. I knew at that moment, I had peace wash over me, that she was going to be OK but that was it for me. My DR even looked at me and said “Honey, I feel strongly this is it for you” (she knew through the whole pregnancy that it was a big question of mine, we had prayed about it a few times together). But now, I look at my 2 incredibly healthy, happy, blessings and thank God He even saw me fit for these 2 amazing beings. And trust me, they are handfuls. I’ve often been told they have the energy of 6 kids. Lol they are now 5 and 3 and I honestly don’t fit myself missing the baby days. I’m relishing where I am now. No more diapers, no more bottles, no more late night feedings. We sleep through the nights, have wonderful conversations and dance till we (or well mostly me) are exhausted. I love where we are and look forward to what’s ahead. :o)
Kylie
We are done but it was purely s matter of drawing the line or else I would just keep having babies. I’ve had 5 in 6 years and I’m sure most people would not believe I feel that void of possibility as much as a mother of 1 would. My youngest is 7 months. It’s beautiful and glorious but it’s also a period of mourning as I’m acutely aware that every one of her firsts is my last. My last first tooth, my last first crawl, my last first night sleeping through. And I am deeply in mourning. Due to unemployment and having 3 with extra needs we drew the line and hubby had the snip. I do still pray to Hod for a freebie though 😉
Kylie
We are done but it was purely s matter of drawing the line or else I would just keep having babies. I’ve had 5 in 6 years and I’m sure most people would not believe I feel that void of possibility as much as a mother of 1 would. My youngest is 7 months. It’s beautiful and glorious but it’s also a period of mourning as I’m acutely aware that every one of her firsts is my last. My last first tooth, my last first crawl, my last first night sleeping through. And I am deeply in mourning. Due to unemployment and having 3 with extra needs we drew the line and hubby had the snip. I do still pray to God for a freebie though 😉
April
What a beautiful article! We have 3 boys. We thought we were done after #2. I gave things away as we finished with them. I was at peace with having just 2. I was working full time then. When #2 was 1 1/2 I quit work to stay home. A year later I started homeschooling our oldest son. A few months into that we found out we were pregnant again….surprise! 😉 And what an amazingly beautiful surprise it was! We were scared to death, not knowing how we would provide for that baby. Now he is 16 months old, and God provided!!! We are most definitely done now, for many reasons. I did ask my husband the other day, barring the reasons we have decided not to have anymore…would you want more. We both agreed we would, but it’s not meant to be. We are a beautiful family of 5 and we are so very blessed!
Hannah B
Thank you so much for this post, for saying it’s okay to be finished, and it’s not okay to be looked down upon because you are. I cried my way through the whole post… One of those free-flowing, you’ve been holding it back for a long time, sobbing uncontrollably, but with an incredible sense of peace settling over you kind of cries. I am incredibly blessed to have two wonderful children, but I long for more. After our first, it took us 5 years and 8 losses to be able to have another child, and everything about my pregnancy with him was in God’s hands. Due to complications, I had to have a hysterectomy at shortly after her was born. At the time, I thought I had made my peace with our son being our last. I was riding that new baby high, and so relieved that he was here, I couldn’t have cared less if we had any more. With every shower invitation I receive, or each new baby I hold, my heart breaks a little longing for more, but I just keep reminding my self of how blessed we are.
Hope
At 39 after 5 daughters, in our attempt for at least one boy, we are done. I was blessed with wonderful pregnancies but after 10+ years of being pregnant it was time for the next chapter for ME! Children are wonderful but there are many things I want to do that with little ones is not easy…altough it is because of them I want to do it. After giving away my baby things there was this feeling of…Now what??…but It turned into relief that I had my body back forever…it was mine!! Lol
Tan
I am done. By my choice. After my firsts dad abused me for years and my daughters dad passed away 6 mos before she was born.. I didn’t want to risk it. I twinge tho knowing Ill never have another baby. I’ve met my current wonderful fiance and Id know he would have been great thru it. But what’s done is done. They eventually grow and leave your heart empty. Guess Id rather do it still young enough to have alternat plans when they go…
Melaney
I just recently gave birth to my 5th baby. We have been blessed immensely. When my husband and I were just newly married we were told that we may never have children. I was 23 and had just undergone my 6th surgery in under 3 years for endometriosis. The last surgery brought the devastating news that one of my Fallopian tubes and ovaries had completely deteriorated and that my others were starting to as well. Boy oh boy, that first baby took such a long time to conceive, but after that we only had to think the word baby and I became pregnant (or so it felt like it!) After we had this last baby my husband decided that 5 was more than enough and had a vasectomy against my wishes. That was only a little over a week ago and I’m grieving. Grieving that I’ve had 5 babies in 8 years and I’ll never get to experience any of it again. No more double pink lines, flutters, ultrasounds, midwife appointments, little hands on my belly asking if the baby is moving, never another water birth, and the list goes on and on. I don’t think I was done, but I’m prayfully trusting that’s husband made the right decision for our family but at the same time, secretly hoping his vasectomy doesn’t work. Maybe in time this sadness and grief will subside and I’ll be content in my 5, but today I’m not.
Stacy
So beautifully put. I wanted another, but my husband didn’t. I know God was working in the situation because it worked out in a great way. The two I am blessed with are now in their teens and I can say He knew what He was doing. He knew what I could handle and the kind of mama I am to the two He entrusted into my care. I’ve always tried to look at it in that way…they aren’t MINE the are HIS and this job He gave me to do in raising them is the most important thing I’ll ever do in my life. As a mid-forty something, I can say I still get that tug on my heart when I see all the young families walking into church every Sunday morning…then I thank God for my family and cherish every moment this season is bringing because I am starting to see an end to this one…my daughter is a “junior” in high school (we homeschool) and she’s looking at colleges and taking big tests that will (in her mind) determine her future, someday soon my job will be coming to a close. I trust that the next season in my life will be fruitful in a different way and will try to embrace it!
Misty
This post makes me tear up! I am not “done” having babies, but my husband is. He came to the conclusion years ago, and yet we had another. I knew he would be our last, our compromise baby, and I promised after him we would be done. The ache does not go away. I prayed for God to soften his heart, and he did long enough to give me my son. Now, I know our family is complete. It is SO hard working through that ache. I wrote a blog post about it if anyone is interested: http://findingjoyinthejourney.net/more-babies/
I think the decision to be done having more babies is one that each family needs to come to on their own. I have friends who know they are done. Then I have friends who are like me, and whose spouses say NO. Then I have those who haven’t closed the door on more children, but just aren’t ready yet. I went through the sadness when friends announced pregnancies, and that was the hardest part of working through the ache. I no longer feel that way, but I do tear up at a new baby and wish my husband didn’t feel the way he does, but I can’t resent him for that. Those thoughts eat at a marriage. It is a hard balance. Anyway, this is a great post! Thank you for sharing!
Cierra
The Bible states very clearly to be fruitful and multiply. Knowing that this is what our bodies are capable of, it’s not really putting it in God’s hands to just let it happen. If you are fertile, you know you will get pregnant if no action is taken to prevent it.
That stated, we always decided to have a large family and use natural methods of child spacing. We suffered emotionally after a blighted ovum miscarriage, but it was a blessing in disguise. We were able to spend more quality one on one time (4 years instead of 2) with our youngest before having another baby this year – time which I will cherish forever. I hope to get as much time with our newest arrival.
Thank you for sharing this article. I hope you find peace in whatever decision is best for your family.
Mel
I hope Cierra that you don’t talk with an infertile couple at your church! Yes, the Bible does say to be fruitful and multiply. But unlike multiplication in arithmetic when you multiply 1×1 and you get 1. There is no biblically prescribed # of children or formula to get a certain number. We don’t all get the “choice” to have more, or one for that matter, for various reasons. Bearing children is ONE, ONE, thing our bodies are designed for and MIGHT do. I have found people who have more children with very few complications seem to be a bit tone deaf to that fact. And not everyone is capable. There are lots of reasons you’re not capable or desirous: health (mine), mental health (also mine), multiple miscarriages (also mine), infertility, finances, etc. I have the desire, but not the capability to handle another loss. I just felt the above comment was a bit off and wanted any mother reading to understand, you are not just a womb. I would love, love to have more babies, but the two crippling losses we endured and the terrifying rainbow pregnancy in the middle has left me gun shy and sad we’llnever have a baby again. I’d get pregnant today if someone could guarantee me a healthy pregnancy and baby. But I owe it to my living children to be their mom. I can’t do that if I’m holed up in my room because of grief. The ache, I so get the ache! Great article by the way. I have two amazing daughters and a blessing of a son (15, 12, and 5).
Find another mom to confide in, who can really understand.
Jane M
Your post really has been such an encouragement to me in so many ways! We have 2 beautiful children, but we always expected to have 4 or 5. Life has thrown us so many curveballs — a miscarriage, my husband being off work for almost a year due to an injury (which hurt us financially), now being in the middle of a move… I have such an ache to have more, but at this point my husband says “no”. Like many of the other comments I’ve read, I’m hoping and praying God will give us at least one more at some point, but it is so difficult to live each day in expectation with a bunch of “what ifs” swirling around in your head! I think it would be easier to deal with if, as you mentioned in your post, there wasn’t such a judgmental spirit in Christian and homeschool circles (I’m both) of the “quiverful”. I am often made to feel like an inferior, inexperienced mom because I *only* have 2, and not 7 or 9 or 12. And it is so hard for me to deal with my kids growing up that sometimes I feel as though I’m just being too sentimental. So it was nice to read others’ comments about feeling the ache of baby years passing, even when they knew for sure they were done having kids. Thanks so much, Erin, for so gently and lovingly speaking to our hearts and posting topics like this!
Rachel
My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years, our son (mine from a previous marriage) is 5 1/2 our daugher is 2 yr 9 mo. We are expecting #3 any day now (due 11/25 but never make it too far past 37 weeks. I am 25 he is 26. I am finishing my bachelor’s degree and until learning of our suprise, was law-school bound. I work full time but due to the ridiculous cost of private montessori school (my kinder has spectrum disorder) and daycare, I can no longer in good conscience pay someone else to raise my children. Half my income was too much for 1 budget item so we cut it and all my income (except Pampered Chef) out. I love my job but now that the baby and toddler years are over with my son and fading ever so quickly with my daughter, I realize how much I missed and can’t bear missing any more. I have gotten facial expressions and comments that no woman, overjoyed to be expecting, should receive from her own mother. My mom is truly upset that we “were not more responsible”, and I should have made “better choices”. My mother is the 2nd of 4 and had 3 girls myself and two sisters ages 17 and 12. I did not plan on 3 in 6 and certainly not before 26 but God gave me these kids and I can’t imagine not having them. My husband and I agreed that budget wise any more any time soon would be horribly difficult however, God will sustain us. I believe God will provide the number of kids he wants us to have and the means to provide for them. God is Good All the Time. Thanks for this post so encouraging for me who doesn’t know if she is done.
Misty
Rachel, we had the same reaction with our third. Guess what, God DID provide and he will every step of the way. Prayers to you and your family and congratulations!!
Amanda
I’m lying in my bed right now between my 20 month old daughter and my one month old son. My seven year old and for year old are asleep in their room. Four babies in nine years of marriage. I just turned 30 two days ago. Turning 30 wasn’t hard in and of itself, but knowing that this chapter of my life is coming to a close is what hurts. I had my tubes tied. I prayed over it and told the Lord I wouldn’t if He said no. But after four c sections and a surgery for a bowel resection due to having crohns disease my body is feeling it. Knowing this is it hurts though.
Tiffany L
You are a doll, with class. I really enjoy your blog and you say what so many of us feel and fear to say. I have three children very spread out 19, 11 & almost 3..needless to say with the news of the last I almost passed out. But I think God understands I believe he’s a loving God who gave us free will for a reason. Which leads us to be able to make up our own minds and to enjoy what blessings, pitfalls and challenges come our way.
So I want to Thank you for your understanding and non judgemental viewpoints….you rock lady.
Tiffany L
Kristia @ Family Balance Sheet
My husband and I were older first time parents. I was 36 when our oldest was born and my husband was 44. We struggled with infertility for 5 years before our oldest was born which explains partly why we were older. We had our second daughter 2 years later and at 38, I had no desire for more children. The second pregnancy was hard on my body, although I don’t know if it was from my age or just because it was my 2nd one. Anyway, my husband agreed and he had a vasectomy. We prayed about this decision and we didn’t take it lightly. (I know many here might be against this option.) But we truly had a peace about the decision.
Now our girls are 9 & 6. When I see a snuggly baby, I yearn for my girls when they were that age but not necessarily another baby. My husband and I agree that we probably would have had more children had I been able to get pregnant at a younger age, but that was not to be. We struggled for so long that we have always felt very blessed and thankful for our two daughters.
Mama Tango
I’m not done to the point that I teared up reading this post. My husband, how everyone, is past done. I’ll be 37 in December, and he’s 47. While I don’t blame him (I’m sure he’d like to retire *sometime* in his lifetime:p ), I can’t say I don’t pray fervently for a change of heart. But in that same prayer breath, I also ask that God’s Will is done, and if that truly means no more babies, that He grant me the understanding that He’s made my magic number perfect. So every month for me is a quick moment of utter disappointment (“another month of waiting and wondering and wishing”) followed by a month of prayer for heart peace.
kathleen
I thought i was done honest i did, i was peaceful and calm with a fifteen year old daughter an eleven year old son and two babies in two years that are turning two and one respectively this year, four step daughters… yep i was done i was proud of our family and ready to move slowly out of diaperland…. or so i thought… until last month when i found out im due again in july! all i could do is laugh… i know my hubby always wanted a big family and even though i am his second wife and he is my second husband our now to be three mutual children dont seem enough and he is still talking about after this one two more ( heaven help me) dont get me wrong i love all my babies but im 38 and at some point do i not need to focus on raising these children not just birthing them? pray for me that i may find acceptance and peace in God and hubby’s plan for the future cause three under three makes me wanna hide under my bed lol
Erin
Wow, Kathleen! CONGRATS!! I actually had a surprise pregnancy a few years after writing this post (and am thrilled!). We are due with baby #4 (a boy!) in January! I will say a prayer for you right now! <3
Billie Jo
I am finished…. we decided when my youngest was 3 years old…. well thats when we did something aboit it…. we really decided after my youngest was born becaise i had terrible PPD …. when he was 3 we decided that I should have a tubal logation. I actually had the proceedure done on my oldest birthday. But ever since then i have wondered if i made the right choice. I know financially we can’t afford another. Our house isn’t big enough either. But now that my kids are almost 9 and 6 I find myself wondering what if. My sister just had her 4th child and they are worse off than up financially. I often find myself thinking why couldn’t thay be me? Sometimes i find myself wishing that by some miracle i would get pregnant once more. I miss it. I miss the baby stage… the toddler stage…the preschool stage. It just had for me to realize I’m 26 and i will not have any more babies…. my sister and mom always say “when are you having is a girl” …. i think that makes it worse cuz thry they know i cant. But i just laugh it pff when I’m really screaming and crying on the inside ….
Shelly
I am done having babies, and it was a prayerful decision made by both my husband and I. We have four live babies, and one in Heaven. My body never did well during pregnancy, and my babies tended to want to come early, so there were many many challenges every time. It took absolutely everything out of me the entire 9 mos; now, with an almost 9year old; a 6 year old; a 4 year old; and a 17mos old that I home-school, I want to be able to give them 100% of me and move into the next phase of family life 🙂 Yes, every now and again the thought/desire enters my mind and my arms ache and my breasts feel the longing for a suckle of a babe, and my husband would reverse his vasectomy in a heartbeat if I asked him to………but, I also prayed long before I was married for God to guide me in marriage and in parenting in every single way, and this is how we felt He was directing us! Sometimes, I think we as Christians tend to over-think decision making, thinking we need the Heavens to open waving a banner with all the answers, when really, unless the decision we make has a sinful option, God will bless whatever we decide as long as in our hearts it’s for His glory 🙂 Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
Brianna
My husband and I knew. We were/are young. We decided to be done at 2. We had very low earning potential and wanted to give our girls every advantage we could.
God laughed at us.
The same year we sold our baby gear and I gave our crib to my sister who was expecting twins, I was suddenly pregnant again.
Now we did stop after our third daughter. After much prayer and conversation, I had my tubes tied following my third c-section. I had had severe illness with all three of my girls and had suffered a miscarriage in my first pregnancy.
This was an easy and peaceful decision for us, even with me coming from a really large extended family that believes it is a woman’s duty to birth as many babies as possible.
We are happily raising our three girls who range in age from 9 – 4.
Blessed to be Mom
Thank you for writing this. I’m also done, but it wasn’t my choice. My husband’s family convinced him without my knowledge to have a vasectomy. He told me before the procedure, but he had already decided it was for the best. There was nothing I could say or do to change his mind. He regretted the decision in the years following, but we could not afford to have the procedure reversed. Of course that didn’t stop me from praying for a miracle, but it just never happened. We have our one child who is a blessing and the teenagers (from a previous marriage).
Genny
We are done. We’ve been trusting The Lord for a long time, but have never concieved. At 23, I became the mother of a 5 year old boy and 4 year old twins, a boy and a girl. We thought we might adopt another family when those were grown, since I’d only be 37 went the youngest turned 18. In my 20’s I would get baby fever every time a friend got pregnant. I cried when my sister got pregnant with her first. In my 30’s that all wore off. It might have been the age of my children, it might have been the brutality of the teen years that made that desire for babies go away, I don’t know. The stage we are at is pretty great. All three are out of the house. We are young and can still enjoy it!
Kim
We have 3 beautiful boys and are done now. My youngest is 8 months and I am really savorimg every moment knowing this is our last baby! I love the baby & toddler age! Pregnsncy is so very difficult for me and I had morning sickness 24/7 from conception until delivery but I still mourn this season of babies! I think it’s hard to say “we’re done” even when you know that’s for the best! Now focusing on enjoying the 3 I have been blessed with but I truly believe the ache will never go away!
Mary
I’m 34 and I don’t want to be done however, my body says I’m done. I have 2, my daughter is almost 16 and my son is 11. I was married and pregnant at 18 out enjoying the world with my military husband. I wanted a college degree and when that was completed (and the husband back on the mainland!) we tried for and quickly conceived baby #2. We always wanted 3, we considered that our magic number! A rough patch in our marriage and deployments kept putting that off until finally we tried for #3, nothing happened. Multiple doctors later he’s fine, I have unknown secondary infertility. It’s very hard for me because my family supports not having more kids but my husband resents me for not being able to have more. I’m stuck in the middle and his resentment is slowly breaking down our marriage. I pray everyday for peace, both in my heart and in his.
Kristen
I wrestled, still wrestle with this transition, bc of its beautiful season. My husband didn’t want more and after 4 c-sections, my doctor saw that my uterus was “not strong” for another. I knew my faith wasn’t the only one to consider. Women are prone to use their emotions first for decisions, so I trusted in my husband’s leadership to help make this decision. He would say, “You don’t have to hate a season to leave it,” and I knew he hit the nail on the head. Most seasons of life I was happy to move on, but not this one. I now focus on what I do have, which makes me content. There are freedoms a mom can enjoy bc she doesn’t have a newborn, so I embrace them and spend my love in the present.
Cindy
I read through a whole bunch of comments when I first read this article, and I had to come back and comment on yours because it really resonated with me. I’ve since passed on your husband’s wise words to a few of my friends–“You don’t have to hate a season to leave it.” I think you’re right on as well that we need to respect our husbands’ feelings and leadership abilities. We have four (aged 2-7), and I recently had a surprise pregnancy and a miscarriage (just after we were over the shock of it and starting to get excited about a new baby), and I’ve struggled with feeling “not done,” whereas he’s really ready to be done. But I’m realizing that a lot of what I’ve been feeling is the normal, healthy, maternal emotions of loving a sweet little baby, not necessarily a specific leading from the Lord that we should have more. I feel that the four I have really need my attention, and I’m only just now feeling more sane after years of nursing/changing diapers/etc. I remind myself of the hard parts of newborn care, and go hold my friends’ babies when I start missing those sweet stages. May the Lord give us each grace and wisdom and strength as we face each day raising the precious ones He has given us!
Shannon
We’re done, and we’ve been done since I was 25. Honestly, it was very hard for me for about 8 years. See, I wanted more…at least two more. I was still relatively young, so I thought, “why not”. My husband and I did not see eye to eye. He’s 10 1/2 years older than me. He was 35 when we had our youngest. He told me right after our son was born that he didn’t want to be having babies in his 40s. He was looking forward to a time when all of our children would be adults, and we would still be young enough to enjoy OUR time together.
So…he made an appt. and ended our child bearing years.
I have had so many ups and downs with this decision. I have been bitter, hateful, and resentful at times. At others, I see the wisdom in his decision. When we were in the hospital over and over AND OVER again because of illnesses with our son, I would think about how much harder it would be with a baby in tow.
I still have friends my age having children. Up until about a year ago it hurt seeing their announcements. Finally, though….FINALLY I’ve decided to accept where God landed me. HE knew my husband’s heart. I’ve learned to accept His will for my family. It doesn’t look picture perfect to a lot of the Christian circles (as you mentioned, the “trust God” trend with family size).
Sometimes trusting God means realizing that God works in all kinds of ways, including vasectomies.
Kory
Thank you for this post. We have 2 children & the youngest is 2. My husband and I do not feel called to have more kids right now (& possibly ever). We love children and youth, but we are called to just have 2 of our own (at least for now), so that we can better help others care for their children. We strongly believe children are a blessing from God, but we view our work as youth leaders and caring for babies/toddlers during Sunday school as those additional blessings.
Tammy
I have five beautiful children. After the first two we thought we were done, we sold or gave away every last thing. Jesus had other plans 🙂 We had three more children! When I look at my youngest ones I thank God that they are here in my life. I can not imagine my life without them. When my youngest was one year old my husband passed away. I was left to raise 5 children under the age of 8 all on my own. Jesus walked every step beside me, even at my weepy weakest He held all of us through. Our children are now ages 8-16 and thriving! I re-married another widower and added 3 more children to our lives. recently 🙂 God is good and does have a plan in all of our lives to gently restore and refresh. 🙂
Carol
We are done and although we knew, it still leaves me wondering who the next would have been, until God reminds me that He brought me to this decision, therefore there wasn’t another…and it truly is such a long story that it’s impossible to explain exactly how we got to this point…after we decided to let God control the situation, I definitely wasn’t expecting a c-section, or pregnancy 6 months later, or another c-section, or my third pregnancy 7 months later…then a third c-section, fourth pregnancy 11months later, my fourth c-section and then tubes tied…God knew though and throughout He kept saying, this is My plan and it will lead to you being done having babies….and He reminds me often that my heart is open to children always because everyday I come across children that need His light and a motherly smile is sometimes the best thing I can give…if my heart never felt want for another, I may forget to see the children around me that cross my path…God is so good…so very good!
Lauren
We are done with 3. Our youngest is 8 months old, and we are enjoying her immensely. I am 33, and my hubby is 40. We both just feel like our family is complete. Pregnancy is difficult for me with blood pressure issues. My youngest was my first c-section, and I don’t want to ever have to go through that again. We are very content with our little family and thankful for each of them.
jesse
I wanted 3 kids, then I wanted no kids, and now I have 2 kids, my youngest just turned 6 months. I’m still young so I’m not possitive we’re done, but I’m preparing my heart for the ache of being done. I’m sure the ache never goes away from what I’ve read and seen….even the Duggers have the ache. But I’m getting excited about the next phase of life. The one where I don’t have to worry about every little thing I eat. The one where I can go skating, sledding, and biking with my kids. Where I can start having dates with my husband again.
But it doesnt change the fact that I try to pause so many baby moments in my head. Maybe I’ll volunteer as a baby rocker at the NICU or church nursery one day. Or maybe I’ll have the time to bless a new young mother with some much needed rest.I think im more excited about doing that than having a third.
Renee
As the 33 year old mother of 5, 4 girls and one boy… Twin girls 12, 9 y/o girl, 7 y/o girl, 5 y/o boy and the surrogate mother of 6 day old twins (boy and girl) I decided split second after delivery of surrogate twins that I was done and requested a tubal. I always thought my family was complete after the birth of our son. I enjoy being a mother, wife, and having a career. I’m tettering at my decision 6 days later and am saddened by the fact I will never birth another red headed freckled face child, but God has done so much for our family and my children I could not imagine a different life. My husband has been to Iraq and Afghanistan, we have survived the passing of my father in law and recently my mother at young ages and we have continued to be able to afford reasonably for our children. I feel blessed to not only have given birth to my children, but to also assist a friend and her husband with their own special blessings. I receive a lot of comments and rudeness from the public when we go shopping or even dinner, but my children never cease to amaze me with their excellent behavior and ability to brush off the stares and questions. We do not have an abnormally large family, but we are large for the area in which we live. Families in our area are stereotypical 2 children and mothers are stereotypical “I can’t handle the 2 I have must less more.” There is no difference in having 2 children versus 5. There are more mouths to feed, but there is also more love to share and receive. Hand me downs are worn until holes and tatters form, makeup tips are shared from the older girls, and my son doesn’t have 1 momma… He has 5 so if he will turn out to be one of the most compassionate understanding men of women’s hormones and emotions. Do I regret the tubal… I’m having doubts, but I am appreciative of our family and the ability to have 5 healthy beautiful children. We are going into the teenage years which is the most trying phase that I have seen yet, life is exciting at our house from emotions and attitudes. BUT… Each changing personality adds excitement and a learning experience to our home.
Sherry
My husband and I decided 3 to be our magic number early on. I got pregnant easily for my first, did have complications and ended with my baby girl being 6 weeks premature (she is now a beautiful 9 year old). We wanted another and began trying before our daughter was 1, we ended up needing a little help from the doctor this time around to conceive. Finally #2! I had gestational diabetes with this pregnancy otherwise went well, had a beautiful healthy baby boy (who is now 6). We really wanted a 3rd and began trying right away. Years passed, even with the help of doctors I could not conceive. We had a night away for our anniversary and decided that we were going to be happy with the two we have and close that chapter of our lives, after all I was advancing in maternal age at 35 (hubby at 40), as well as a number of health problems (including full type 2 diabetes). A couple weeks later we sold most of our baby furniture and a week later I found out I was expecting baby #3, conceived naturally! We were blessed with a baby girl, because of my health problems, it was a rough start for her, but she is now a happy, healthy 10 month old. So I do believe that God does hear prayers and answers them when He sees fit. Even though we reached our magic number, I had still kinda hoped for a “surprise #4” in the months that followed my daughter’s birth. Due to my health, age and financial reasons we know that would not be a smart decision and two weeks ago I had a tubal ligation 🙁 I think I will always long for another baby and I find it very sad to be “done”. But I do know it is the best decision. Now we will be able to dedicate our time and enjoy watching our three little miracles grow up.
Tina
Thank you for posting this ! I can see the descion will be a hard one we got married very young and I was 20 when we had our first we have 3 boys now and we are praying for a little girl or 2 yet but we wanted to be done before I’m 30 just so we can be young and enjoy our kids yet..
lisa
What a wonderfully written page/blog. I’m not one who usually reads blogs, however the title of this one caught my eye. I was 19 almost 20 when I had my oldest daughter. I then fell head over heels in love with a guy who was 18 yrs my senior. We had unprotected sex the entire time we were together, he and I both thinking my daughter from my previous marriage was going to be it for us. Suddenly one day I took a home pregnancy test and it revealed the +sign. I was 23, he was 41, he of course thinking he would never father another child (he had a son from his younger yrs), at 24 I had our beautiful, healthy and surprised baby girl. I knew throughout my pregnancy I wouldn’t want another child. I had came from 2 set of parents who together had 17 children including myself. By this time I felt like I had already had lots of children being the oldest girl out of 17. I had a huge responsibility to help raise and tend to my younger siblings, plus I had a younger sister who now had 3 young children, who wasn’t very responsible and I took on the role of taking care of and raising her 3, plus my 2. I moved back home to the state I was raised in for most of my life with my 2 girls, shortly after I went back to Texas got my niece and 2 nephews plus their mother and towed them back home with me, and there I was, with 5 children again. The youngest 2 were just barely in kindergarten. In 2003 I met the man of my dreams. He didn’t care that I had a broad of children that I was raising, didn’t care that one was of 2 different races, he took us all. It was then that I would sometimes regret having my tubes tied. I would see younger ladies and their spouses pregnant with a wee one and baby feelings as I called them would rush over me, then I would think… God knew I would have children who didn’t belong to me to raise and care for, and that he knew I would have it rough financially, emotionally and physically since I had been single for many yrs of late, until meeting my dream guy. . The yearning for a new Lil baby would soon fade. Now I am 44 and my now wonderful husband is 52 and we have our first grand baby that we’ve been allowed to spend time with. She is the apple of our eyes, she is the one reason I’m not suffering as bad from a deep, dark depression, the one reason I wake up excited each new day. God knew that my time of being a mommy to more than my 2 girls was over. I am thankful and blessed beyond measure that he knew what I could and couldn’t handle, even before I did. I wish you luck and many prayers for God’s knowledge and leadership to rain down on you and your family, so that answers will open up too you and the understanding to know why the reasons behind those answers. Whether the answers are the ones you pray for or not. God bless you and your family.
Mary
Wow! Just judging from all the comments I scrolled past, this topic is really important to a lot of people. My husband and I are in the “talking” phase right now. I am 90% sure our family is complete. I am 100% sure that I am done. Or at least done in. Over the past 11 years of marriage we have had 9 pregnancies. 4 babies reside in heaven. 5 got to stay with us. I love them more than life. We have also moved about 7 times, my husband changed careers, I experienced increasing postpartum depression. But the last straw was the two postpartum hemorrhages. I nearly lost my uterus after our fourth child and suffered PTSD for the next year and a half. It was important to me to have one more child if I could. To have the chance to trust God and work through my fears. I was totally prepared to undergo an emergency hysterectomy if necessary. I knew Ana would be our last. In God’s grace, everything was perfect with her birth. Nothing scary or traumatic happened at all. Theoretically, I could have 5 more. But I am still at peace with being “finished” keeping my womb is an added bonus, as far as I can see it. Now I am trusting God to bring my husband and I to a place of agreement, that might include adopting, or not. But I know He had already made everything beautiful in His time! If any one wants to check out my birth stories you can visit my blog, choresofopportunity.blogspot. com
Carrie
I really loved this article. It hit home on so many levels. I am 37 weeks pregnant with my 2nd child. And, just yesterday I had asked my husband if we could have a third. It’s bittersweet coming to the end of my pregnancy already knowing how much I will miss the kicks, the belly, the waddling – all of it. It’s crushing to think this may be my last. And since I already have a 2 1/2 year old, I know just how fast their time as an infant goes. While I know that realistically this will be our last because of our ages (38 & 47), it’s still a very personal decision and the transition isn’t as easy or clear as other life transitions. Your article was so timely and I can totally relate. It also helped remind me that each family is different and so are their decisions and situations. Thank you!
Donna
I knew the whole time I was pregnant with our son (who is now 4), that he would be our last. I was 39 when I had him and I had gestational diabetes with all of my kids. With our little guy I had SPD which is so VERY painful and also was dangerous at times. I would be walking though the libing room holding my 16 mo old daughter and they pain shot through me so badly, I just dropped to my knees. Luckily, my daughter landed on the couch. The only way to describe the pain of SPD was, it felt like someone had kicked me hard with heavy boots between my legs. When I was 7 months pregnant, my husband, who was 42 at the time, had a vesectomy, and I requested c-section (after having my others natural), so that I could have my tubes tied. I know there are those, even in my own family, that judge me for not leaving it in Gods hands. But guess what? Right before I was rolled into the room to get my c-section I started getting really worried. I asked my nurse and then my OB doc if I could just have him vaginally. My DR. Convinced me that its safe and with our baby measuring so bug its probably best to just go ahead with the c-section. After I had him, they wheeled me back into the recovery room and the nurse came into talk to me and her words, I will never forget. My little guy had the cord wrapped so tightly around his little neck AND there was a knot in the cord. Had I gone ahead with a vaginal delivery he might not have made it. God is in control and I trust him in every area of my life. I still have an ache in my heart that I will never carry another child, breastfeed another child. But you know what?? I look at all God has blessed me with and hug my little man, who is now a healthy, happy, loving little boy, and all the ache of not having another one goes away. I think we as mothers need to support each other no matter what when it comes to the decision of having more kids, even if our opinions and decisions differ.
Donna
Sorry for all the typos, adding a comment on a phone is not always easy to catch mistakes. ☺
Debi
My best memories.. The ones I review most .. Are those made as my family was being created. Time seemed to pass slowly in those days. Long days…the future looming out in the distance.. I never imagined an end to it.
My pregnancies were not easy… Literally spending months in bed…sometimes feeling much like a baby bird in the nest …waiting for someone, anyone, to drop a morsel of food near me…torturing myself with that thought.. As I knew as soon as I smelled food.. Or tasted it… I would be vomiting. And each time I would wonder how.. Or even why..anyone decides to do this more than once.
I happen to love giving birth, as it meant the worst was over, and soon the sweet reward would be laid in my waiting arms. And it was. It was a good pain…so full of anticipation , hope and completion. Gone were the endless, continually nauseated days…new life was just ahead.
Even now.. At 63.. Upon remembrance , I feel the fullness .. ..the body that knows what to do as it readies itself to feed its offspring. How I miss the beginning weeks of feeding that took so long to complete. The hours of bonding.. Feeling as if this part of life would be forever…amazingly, wonderfully forever. While nursing , I believe I read every book ever printed on every subject pertaining to babies. Not all women feel this glorious just after the birth ..I’m sure that the extended morning sickness in the months before birth contributed to this feeling of elation now that I was no longer sick.
My babies were born before disposable diapers… And wipes had not yet become available . I remember wet washcloths in plastic bags in my diaper bag .. ( for diaper change clean up). And an empty plastic bag in which the dirty diapers were placed..so that they could be brought home and washed. And extra rubber pants .. As the pants the baby was wearing would become soiled or wet and need to be changed. And pins .. Oh the big diaper pins needed to secure the diapers. Often those pins would stick in the fabric of the diaper … And a quick maneuvering of the pin through my hair would lubricate it enough to continue its slide through the diaper.
At one point there were two in diapers..so two diaper bags stood ready at the front door. And , at one point there was no dryer. I still see diapers.. Clothes lines full of white diapers swaying in the breezes . Living in Arizona afforded one quicker than a dryer .. Drying. There existed a part of me that took great joy in seeing those white rectangles on the line.. Somehow believing the sun and air were sterilizing them. And there was also a point in which we had only one bathroom.. And with two in diapers , almost invariably there was at least one poopy diaper soaking in the toilet. I would remember that diaper most when a guest asked to use the bathroom and I would need to run to the bathroom to rinse it out.
My perfume in those days was essence of spit up…and my clothes were those that had easiest access for nursing. There was a time when we had three children age 3 and under. The word busy was an understatement. Finally getting three ready to go and finally getting to the store… And finally situating one in the front pack on myself , and one in the cart and another hanging onto the cart… And feeling fairly competent with this accomplishment, I looked down only to notice that my own shirt was inside out and I was still
wearing my slippers. Had I remembered to comb my hair? I don’t know. I do know I had not put on make up. But I was there.. Minutes were fleeting.. Time was limited..before one would have to use the toilet. , or another would be whining..needing a nap…or the another would be crying lustily.. Ready to eat.
Do I miss this? Miss the house full of toys , baby swings, bouncy chairs, playpen and high chair ? Oh yes I do. It consumed my time …every last sliver of time…yet it was laced with enormous purpose . Nothing else could have been more important. We were building a family, growing children…preparing a future. And I somehow believed it would last forever.
I remember the day we decided a vasectomy was the next step. I was pregnant with my third and last baby. Sick.. Oh so sick.. I remember thinking how my oldest … Only three..took up the slack for me. At three she folded clothes and put them away, made sandwiches for herself and her brother .. As I couldn’t tolerate the smell of food. She picked up toys, chased her brother around keeping an eye on him … While I lay on the couch , hoping no small whiff of food smell would come my way.. And I would need to run to the bathroom and vomit . It was during this time that the vasectomy became an option, a decision in our lives. Still in my twenties…I agreed it should be done. To be honest however,,, I would have agreed to anything in the midst of the nausea.. That would have prevented ever feeling this way again. My husband only wanted to see me well again… We had spent 3 years sick… And not just the first 3 months of each pregnancy.., but the first 6-7 months. And there was my oldest..doing my job for me.
The vasectomy happened.. Before the last one’s birth. Still sick, I remember the relief that swept over me. The realization that I would never feel this sick again was comforting.
My last one reached the age of no longer needing all of the equipment that cluttered our small house. We gladly passed baby swings and play pens and cribs onto friends with newly born babies. It happened gradually. There was no big garage sale where it all went at once. Little by little clothes were passed to others.. And more equipment left our home .
My friends were still having babies…and my body would react to each new birth. It began to dawn on me that we had made such a final decision..there would be no more babies made in our home. Relief was beginning to be replaced with grief. Those special tiny years would never return..nor would there be new ones. It was a true kind of grief. My husband wasn’t sad…he knew we had made the best decision for our family. My head knew this to be true… But my heart was left dragging along behind. The grief remained for a number of years… Less in intensity..but always lingering. It finally completely subsided once I reached and passed normal childbearing years.
What I came to understand and also experience…was the cycle of life… And that the transitions continue …and that transition is hard .. and usually painful. I found myself , more than a few times, with heels dug in , resisting the changes. When my first one married , I shoved my face into my husbands shoulder at the ceremony .. fearing I would exhale loud, moaning sobs. When another moved out, I found myself in the grocery store aisle sobbing.. As there was no longer a need to buy certain favorite foods . And then there were the deaths as a preceding generation’s lives were ending. As soon as I would begin to settle in to one season.. Another would push forth.
To every season there is a purpose. A time to be born, a time to die, a time to weep, a time of joy. Time is never static.. Never standing still or staying the same. We would like life safe in its cocoon…but the beautiful butterfly bursts through and life proceeds. To the extent that we can lay hold of the moments , and grasp life with appreciation…and understand that it must not be wasted… I think then we will better see God’s grand plan roll out before us…one event rolls into the next .. And again into the next… And so it goes. We do best to hold loosely. And to cherish the memories , live in the present and look forward to the changes of the future.
Pepper
You write so beautifully. Thank you for sharing. I have always struggled with my decision to have a tubal ligation. I wanted more but ended up raising my three by myself for 10 years so more would have been more struggle.
Now my oldest is married and my “baby” has two and half years of school left. I’m only 37 but I have started the next season of life. The one with the hot flashes. I find myself most days in tears.
I miss my oldest, who now is in the military and living on the other side of the country. I know my younger two are soon to be venturing out on their own as well.
I posted as well, my own struggle with being done having children. My heart and body wanted more. And I ache everyday about my decision at 21 to not have anymore.
Your memories of cloth diapers and going to the store in slippers made me think of my own beautiful memories of my babies.
Your sharing of watching your children grow into adulthood touched my soul and made me realize that perhaps my struggle isn’t with letting go of my reproductive options but perhaps letting my children go into adulthood. That my ache for the last 15 years not being able to have more has really been about letting them go.
I was very young having my children. And while I raised them a majority of their childhood and adolescence alone, I also finished raising myself. And I’m not sure I will know who to be once they have moved into their new seasons of life. Surely I cannot be this menopausal, weepy lady?
Thank you for sharing your beautifully written story. I hope someday to be as strong in my acceptance as you seem to be.
Stacie
Debi, your words just resonated with me. Although my children are still very young, I currently feel how you felt… “My best memories.. The ones I review most .. Are those made as my family was being created. Time seemed to pass slowly in those days. Long days…the future looming out in the distance.. I never imagined an end to it.”
I have found so much purpose and so much of my Savior during these child bearing years. Having children and being a mother has caused me to grow in my faith and lean on Jesus with all my might. I know these years will one day come to an end, and that makes me sad.
What is even sadder to me is possibly ending the stage sooner than necessary. Neither my husband nor I have made any permanent decisions. However, we do not agree exactly on our next course of action. We have been blessed with 7 pregnancies and 6 children born. We both will accept any life God gives, no matter what, but there are things we just don’t see eye to eye on. Anyway, your words came right on time. Furthermore, this blog post was right on time, as my husband and I just had a “what are we going to do” talk yesterday. My concern is that we are in line with the will of God, whether that means more kids or not.
Jess
Thank you. Thank you for sharing the wisdom and perspective of someone a little further down the road than I am. May God bless you.
Beckie
I wish we weren’t done 🙁 Out of five pregnancies, only two were successful. My son, my fifth pregnancy and second born, came into this world with difficulties and very early. And with the advice of being done due to my own health issues. He is now five and I will never stop being grateful and thankful for him and his sister but I do live with regret and sadness of not being able to have more babies. I wanted at least four, maybe five. It’s hard to know that God had a reason and to just let it go, but I have hope that we aren’t done with children, in a few years when I am finished with nursing school, I have hope that God will bring more children into our home, whether adoption or fostering, either way, God willing, my home will never be void of children <3
Amanda
The lord has blessed me with two sweet, intelligent girls; ages six and two, and at 33 I was able to say with confidence that I am done having kids. If the good Lord ever laid it on my heart, I would graciously open my home to fostering and adoption. I know that the Lord has made us to be mom’s in many different ways, physically bringing our beautiful babies into the word, adopting a sweet life into our family, or even being a mentor to kids and young adults. I know a lot of mom’s who are now overwhelmed because they just missed “those baby years” and so, had more children to fill that void. I pray that my children grow up to be gracious, humble servers to others, not just to there own children, but to who ever the Lord leads into there life.
Natalie
My husband was declared sterile when he got out of the service. And yet, God is good! We have a 3 year old and a 9 month old. We had the talks and decided that two boys were more than we had hoped for, and that we were content with our blessings. It does sting a little, knowing that I’ll never have another baby to hold through the night, but I am confident in our choices, and looking forward to what the future holds for our family!
Marcy
I had prayed for two years for my hubby’s mind/heart to be open for a second child. You see, he was 21 & I was 22 when our first child was born. At 20&19 we lost our first baby in utero. We were saddened, but the live birth of our first child helped us cope, she was born almost a year to the day the following year of our loss. My lil girl was born early, 6.5 weeks early. She was healthy and did well. But for my hubby, it was far too scary, too close and frightened to lose me or another. We stopped all possibility of conception, until our daughter was 8. I kept feeling a yearning for another child. I prayed, God changed my hubby’s heart. He had no idea I was praying about this, he had no idea of my desire. One night, and only one, my hubby asked if I would want to have another, you cannot imagine my astonishment! My heart lept, of course I did! I’ve prayed for about 2 years. We conceived, and gave a preterm birth, due to pre-eclampsia and type 1 diabetes since age 10, at 28 weeks gestation. He was so tiny, 2 lbs, 1 oz. 14 inches long. My heart was afraid and not at the same time. I cried a lot. I felt helpless to be able to hold him, hug him, keep him from hurting. But I continued my prayers, knowing this was a God thing. He granted this pregnancy, he will keep this child healthy. He did! My son is now 11, but I knew after him, all those incubator days, spending 8 hrs at the hospital at least 6 days a week, we had to be done. I couldn’t chance it again. My body had 3 pregnancies, giving me two beautiful children, being blessed beyond measure, but I knew I had to be done. I was 30 when my son was born. I know with being type 1 diabetic for 31 years isn’t helpful at this point in my life to pursue another pregnancy. I guess that’s how I know.
Nicole
I have 6 babies, my youngest is 1.5. She was a HUGE blessing to us, not because we were struggling, but because we were not expecting her. We were talking about it, were we done? Did we want more? We both had that small baby ache, yes men get it too. But we were not sure we were ready. Now that she is here, we are back at that place….do we want more? I am over 35, so that means more doctor visits. It also means we will be over 60 before they will be 20.
Funny how I see so many being asked “When are you having another”, while I am being asked “Isn’t 6 enough?” I pray about this…..but no clear answer has been given. So we keep all the expensive stuff….before my youngest, we had cleared out almost everything the summer before. I mean why keep it all if you are not sure, right? It could have been years before we finally came to the decision…or it was made for us by god, which it was.
I am still not sure….one thing I am sure of, Jehovah will lead me down the right path.
Stacie
I’m right there with you…. We have 6, too. After #3 we learned the hard way about getting rid of baby things. Now that #6 is 8 months old, we are prayerful about what is next. Neither of us wants to take permanent steps. I don’t want to prevent or try–just let God say yes or no. My husband will always accept any baby God gives us, but he’s ok with natural prevention at this point. So I am praying that God will knit our hearts together on this matter.
Tiffany DelGrosso
Very well written & a very touching subject! We have 5 beautiful blessings, our youngest is 7m. I’m now 32 (I don’t feel that renders me “expired” by any means). I’m tired (obviously, five kids) but my husband & I would welcome another baby (or babies) if God chooses to bless us again. I’m allowing my body a window of time to fully recover from my last pregnancy, so not completely trusting God in fertility but that’s the direction we tend to lean. It’s very hard for me to imagine the day when I know for sure that this precious season,the baby season, is over. Blessings mamas!
Sarah
Tiffany,
I don’t think “allowing your body a window of time” for healing is not trusting God for fertility. God expects you to take care of yourself so you can take care of others. In fact, that’s what many of the Levitical laws are about. God set a time of “uncleanness” after women had babies, not because they were “unclean” by our standards, but to give them rest and healing. You are still trusting Him, many people don’t even ask His opinion!
Tammy
“His grace is sufficient for me.” And you, and you, and you. Thank you, Erin, for your thoughtful, graceful posts.
I am 39, and have been blessed with 5 awesome boys. My baby is 3 yrs, 4 months, and just decided, last week, to start using the potty. Yay! When he was born, after a scary incident when I was in labor, where his heart stopped for a brief moment, my husband said to me (in front of the nurses, who gave him dirty looks), “He has to be our last. I can’t handle this kind of stress again.” Lol We already “knew” that he would be our last, because we both totally felt “done.” We are enjoying this time, and I have no regrets that I had Tubal Essure and Ablation procedures done…other than the fact that the ablation didn’t work, and I still have monthly cycles. 🙂 If God chooses to give us another, it would mean He REALLY wants us to have another one…and who knows? After all, my cycle is 2 days late as of today. My husband keeps looking at me with a little smile, and raised eyebrows…No denying that it would be hard, and unexpected, but what would make it especially difficult is that I have a beautiful sister, who has been trying to conceive for 2 years, and has even sought fertility treatment..with no results. Our other sister announced she was expecting last month, and I know it was painful for her. Anyway…thank you for this post. God bless all of you moms who are doing their best out there.
Barbara
I thought we were done after our fourth, but we were surprised with our fifth. Then we went back and forth about having more. I got pregnant with our sixth and she was stillborn in October. We are currently praying/deciding what direction to go. I think people often judge others, because they feel judged themselves. Many times people second guess what decisions they have made and instead of encouraging others it comes out as telling them their way is wrong. Every family is different and should follow the path God has laid out for them the best they can.
Sarah
I suffered from secondary infertility after my first two children. Three miracles went to heaven to be raised by our Father. Our next pregnancy was as smooth and perfect as it could be and our son, Judah (meaning Praise the Lord) is now a healthy five year old. After that amazing pregnancy we thought, “Hey, maybe the problem is solved, let’s go again” even though I was 35. After prayer and consultations with the doc we tried and I carried till 18 weeks. Then she was gone. Two more joined her later with the Lord. Six babies in heaven. Many will say I’m nuts to have tried that many times but each time we prayed and trusted God. His word to me, “Seventy years, maybe a few more, you are promised on this earth. That is the time you will have with your children on this earth. But all your children will be with you for ETERNITY.” So, we live with a view of eternity, a family bonded together in the eternal Arms.
Ashley A
We always knew that, as far as biological children are concerned, we wanted two. We are lucky enough to have been blessed with one of each. We also agreed after our son was born that if we want to add to our family later on after we were “done”, we will do a local adoption. I have some chronic health problems that would make pregnancies more difficult as I got older, so we wanted to be done by the time that I was 30. At the end of 2012 we started making plans to try for a second child, and those plans would have put me at 31 by the time that the baby was born. God apparently decided that we needed to stick to our original plan of being done by the time that I was 30, because my cycle randomly changed after 4.5 years with no warning and I got pregnant 4 months ahead of schedule. Our daughter was born 8 days before my 31st birthday.
Christena
Thank you so much for this post. This has been a hard subject for me to deal with. Yes I have 4 wonderful children, after my last having health issues I had to have a hysterectomy. I had some family saying not to because then it’s over and I’m not letting God do his part, but my health was also important. As I delivered my last child knowing she would be my last, and wanting to breastfeed her, and wanting to keep her my baby she still grew up. She is now 5 and started kindergarten. People including my husband chuckled every time I said I was going to cry when she started school because she’s my baby. I hadn’t meant it for humor, but there was and still is a pain inside of me knowing I can’t be pregnant again and experience the baby kicking, the excitement of all babies bring. Logically I know we couldn’t afford another baby, financially we do struggle as it is, but I still feel a part of me is missing. It may sound crazy but I had one other baby name picked out and ever time I think of wishing we could have one more the name comes to me. Did I close the door to early? Was there one more child I should have had? Yes, I love seeing my other children grow but it is hard seeing other mother’s and family as they are still having children. Was I not responsible enough in what God has given me? Am I not a good enough mother? When will this pain go away closing the chapter of having babies and on into the next stage of motherhood?
caral from SoCal
Oh, yes, I recognize this post in my own heart. We always planned to have 4 children. Getting pregnant didn’t seem to come very easily, but neither did we need lots of intervention – just lots of patience. After our third, with kids at ages 8, 4, and newborn…we kept answering the question with, “No, we’re not done yet!” I never knew that was going to be the last baby I nursed, or changed, or just held while he slept and breathed in his babiness. I never realized that every “first” for him was a “last” for me. When we realized that, no, God was not sending us anymore babies…we both mourned. It sounds so selfish, when so many struggle, to not be satisfied with three beautiful kids. It took me years, it really did. At some point – maybe when the youngest was eight or ten – my husband and I looked at each other and realized we really LIKED where we were with our lives. My encouragement to all of you is the reality that when I let go of my dream, surrendered it on the altar of my submission to God, He blessed me with contentment and joy in the dream HE had for me. Blessings –
Meg
I say that we are finished. But we are doing nothing to prevent it. I always said growing up that I wanted two children of the same gender as close together in age as possible. God blessed me with my wishes. Two boys, 12 months apart! Wow, it’s been hard! They are very difficult, rambunctious children most of the time. After my second c-section (31 yrs old) I wanted my tubes tied, but my husband wasn’t ready and my Dr. said no, don’t do that. So I gave in. Now every month I anxiously await the start of my cycle and cringe if Im a day late. What does that tell me?? It says to me, you’re finished. I believe my husband feels that same way now. The boys drain everything we have, I don’t know how there would be anything left for another child. But then deep down inside I miss the pregnancy and baby stage. I loved being pregnant every minute of it! I have considered surrogacy. I feel that I could satisfy my suppressed desire by helping those who may not be able to carry a child, but not actually adding another to our family.
Debra
After 13 years of unexplained infertility, we were surprised with a miracle baby. Then almost exactly 12 months later, I gave birth to my second wonderful surprise. I was 36 and 37 for those births. And after so many years of trying to conceive, it felt so weird to even consider being done. But both of those births were c-sections and the risks of another c-section or VBAC scared me, so I was considering being done for sure. But then I got pregnant again 2 more times, both ending in a miscarriage. Now, I will be 40 years old in just 2 months. And between the years of trying, my fears over the pregnancy, and the 2 lost babies, I struggle even still. I never wanted more than 2 children, but I ache for more. I am scared to have more, but I ache for more. I love my children and am more than grateful for the 2 blessings that make my life a happy chaos. I never truly thought that I would have them, but I struggle with contentedness and I ache for more.
But I love your post. Your questions resonate with me: “Can we lay it at the altar? Can we trust in the outcome being glorious no matter what? Can we relinquish control?” It is true can be trusted even in this. Especially in this. You have given me much to think about.
AJ
I am one of four and I wanted 4 kids. The Lord blessed us with 5. When I found out I was pregnant with the fifth I was pretty overwhelmed so my husband got a vasectomy. I am 100 lb 5’2″ chick who has 8lb+ babies so pregnancy was always hard on my body. I just knew I couldn’t do it physically anymore. I was 32 when I had my last. AFter delivery I hemorrhaged and it was quite scary so it’s a good thing we decided on no more. When I see pics of large families, I feel the desire to have a had more kids, because mine really are a blessing, but this was the size family we could handle physically and financially. Never feel guilty about the size of your family because someone makes a comment. It’s your family. Your decision with your husband. I have been on both sides of the issue; been on the judging side because of bad teaching, and now, probably through experience and maturity, I know that large families aren’t for everyone.
Lise
Thank you so much for this post. It is such an emotional topic but hits close to home for so many couples. My husband and I always said we wanted to have 3 or 4 kids – that is until I was pregnant with our second daughter and I had a lot of health issues with the pregnancy and was on sick leave for the last 12 weeks of the pregnancy. After that I struggled with PPD – and I told everyone in the family that there was no way I was going through a pregnancy like that again – gave all our equipment to my husbands sister and gave all our infant clothing to a friend. Well at my last doctor visit my doctor said that I may not get all the same complications if I was to get pregnant again – and through lots of prayers and talking with God I am in a much better mental state than I have been for the past 2.5 yrs. So now Im thinking should we have another???? Is that what God wants for us? (Hubby refuses to get a vasectomy as he has always hoped that I would change my mind, but understood why I said no). Im scared that we may not be able to afford it financially. Im scared that I may have a tough pregnancy again. Im scared ill have PPD again, but Im trusting God to lead us to the right decision.
(Im 33 and hubby is 35, so if we were to have more it should be soon).
Kay Sones
We are done. I have 5 children and after the last was told that for my health we needed to stop. So I had a tubal ligation and that was it. My baby is now 11. I have moments when I eternally miss being pregnant and feeling the baby move and then holding the baby, but I also am really enjoying the sense of freedom that I have now. My husband and I can go and do things that we couldn’t when the kids were little and I can take a day and just go out by myself, where as before I had to wait for my husband to be home or have a babysitter. And while I still miss the baby years, I know that it will not be to long before I have grandchildren, my oldest is now 21. So I am looking forward to that and honestly I can’t wait for this next phase of life! I can honestly say that I can’t wait to be a grandmother and hopefully be able to help in the raising of my grandchildren!
Abigail
Thank you for this article. Every family and situation is different. I am done after having 4 beautiful, healthy children. 2 boys and 2 girls. I had to have 4 c-sections and the last one was hardest to heal from.
I think as christian women we should uplift each other instead of judging, because there is no way to truly know what someone is going through.
Sarah
I don’t think I want to be done, but I don’t have a choice. I have 3 kids with my.ex husband and just got married to a man who was told by several expensive doctors that he can not have children. I knew this going into this marriage and I always told my self that I wanted to be done having kids by the time I was 30, that was almost 2 years ago. Lately having a baby is all I can think about. With so many friends and family members having children it makes me (and my husband) jealous that it won’t be me again. With every period that comes so does disappointment and more praying that he will grace us with just one (or more) little baby. But time and God will tell, if it’s meant to be then it will be. But it is hard for me to let go of the idea.
Meggin
I am on the fence. I have 3 healthy boys – my oldest just turned 10. I will be 30 next June, and I tell myself – I didn’t get to fully experience my 20’s – I was raising babies – so I look forward to those middle years of not having to raise kids. Maybe it’s selfish but I look forward to it.
What I am on the fence about is because of my husband. He says NO MORE. He’s pretty adamant about it. The thing is – my older 2 boys are not biologically his. He adopted them 3 years ago when their biological father decided he didn’t want the responsibility of parenthood. So our youngest is his own biological child, and I know that he doesn’t view the other 2 as not being his because of genetics, but I fear one day he will wake up wishing he had had one more. I fear that day will come when I am dead set on not having anymore. I had given myself to 30 to be done having kids. That came a lot sooner then I had planned.
Then there’s there ache of REALLY wanting a girl. I know gender is not guaranteed, but why not try one more time? I tell myself I’ll get twin boys if we try – that scares me so I don’t even push the subject with the husband
I say I’m on the fence but I know I am done. I have a friend who has chosen to have more (pregnant with her 6th). Financially, they are unstable and I can’t help but shake my head when the last 2 pregnancies were announced. She has given me a hard time about not having more. She just doesn’t get it. I work full-time. I have to pay for childcare. I have to pay for my insurance. Adding another one would be a strain. Adding another one will take away things from my other 3, and that just isn’t fair to them. That right there is how I know I am done – I don’t want to take away from my other 3 because I feel that need and ache to have another one.
Joy
We’re the large Christian family that gets criticized all the time for having so many. So when I say I’d have kept going and had more, I visably offend those who ask. My husband decided to have a vasectomy while I carried my fifth. He’d had a consult for it when I was 3 weeks postpartum with our 4th and I begged him to not choose that at the age of 30. Upon my pregnant return as I sat in the waiting room, each nurse came out and laughed at me for being in my predicament. Ha! Another baby. After the birth we had an emotional upheaval, I couldn’t believe we were done with our fertility and felt he was closing the door to what God would bless us with in the future. I shut down, and confess that I pushed him away. Over the next 4 years my unbreakable marriage broke into pieces, and we struggle today resolving healing from adultery and hard hearts. We haven’t recovered from this choice made by one of us. Please be sure you are on the same page together.
Sandy
I agree. Each family has to follow God. God leads some to have many and not use any birth control, but God can also lead and allow for the use of birth control. Nothing is impossible for Him. Birth control babies are born all the time. He says judge not and therefore you must follow what He tells you and not presume to be someone else’s Holy Spirit.
For myself, I birthed three children between age 21 and 29. After the third, I knew I was done. However, God came calling for adoption. 8 years later he told my husband and at the age of 44, we adopted an 11 year old girl, now 16. Every family is different. God has it, He doesn’t need our help deciding what others should do. Blessings to each of you. Enjoy the season you’re in, as you see, they pass quickly.
Jackie
I LOVE this article!!! When I was growing up, I always said that I would be married and have 3 kids by the time I was 30. Well, that didn’t happen. I ended up divorced by the time I was 25. I got married again at 32. My husband and I tried for a baby on our own and then had to resort to fertility treatments to conceive a child. That is a process that I NEVER want to have to go through again.
I ended up having our son when I was 34. Being pregnant was a very happy time for me, I did love it, but I did suffer High Blood Pressure through the entire pregnancy and I also had depression. My son was also born early due to his heart rate dropping dangerously low and he was conceived by emergency C-section. I also had High Blood Pressure and was stuck in the hospital longer than I should have been as well. He developed an infection in the hospital and his blood sugar dropped very low. Since his birth weight was low, this did affect him greatly and the hospital was preparing to fly him to a hospital 2 hours away because we did not have an NICU at the one we were at. So, I would have been stuck at one hospital while my son was 2 hours away. Luckily, the doctor was able to get his blood sugar back up so he did not have to go anywhere.
I was released 2 days before my son was. Going home without a baby is tough. Having to leave him there was not easy. I cried when I was looking at an empty crib. Lucky for me I was only without him for 2 days.
My son is now 7. He was diagnosed ADHD, so that is a challenge. I told my husband that if the only way I can get pregnant is by going through those fertility treatments again, that will NEVER happen. Plus, with what happened near the end, I can’t put myself through that as well. So, we have decided we are DONE having children.
I am blessed to have my 1 miracle. I do call him a miracle, because he is. We have asked him if he wants a brother or sister and he has said NO. I walk by the diapers, strollers, etc. at the store and part of me misses it, but the other part is happy that I have passed that stage. We are financially stable now and able to take care of our son well.
Yes, I can honestly say that we are done. But I also know that God does have a plan for all of us, and if He says we aren’t done, then I guess we will cross that bridge when and if we get to it!!!
Princesspoet
Great post! We are done after 2. My second is a miracle baby & the journey has been difficult & I do not think it wise to put my family through that again. He is only 2.5 weeks so very new. But whilst I was waiting for him to come to my womb, my biggest had hit 3 & I prayed to God that I was done with the heartbreak & I was just going to concentrate on ds1 now. It’s still very raw. Lots of healing to do but thankful for my 2 beautiful boys!
Sarah J.
so many beautiful stories here! i wrote about our infertility after 2 boys on my blog a couple months ago. the hardest part for me is the comments from well meaning couples around us. i have learned a lot about being gracious with my words, for which i’m very thankful! 🙂
Sarah J.
here is my post if anyone is interested. http://snickjake.blogspot.com/2014/08/the-long-quiet-trial.html
Hannah
I am completely the opposite but share the sentiment of not allowing others to influence what is right for our family. I had 4 children in under 5 years, the 3rd of which was “risky” and the 4th nearly killed me and baby. The depression I had after number 4 in feeling like I was a failure in not being able to do the one job a woman should right anymore was devastating to me personally, my marriage, my identity as a mother. I knew 2 was it. 3 was final. But I needed to follow my husbands leadership and “trust God” when really what was being said was “trust us, we obviously know better and trust God more than you.” Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids with all my heart and they truly are a blessing to my life but I also know that because of the physical, emotional, marital and financial repercussions of these decisions, I am no longer capable of many things I considered foundational to a family. Stick up for yourself whether it’s more kids or less kids and feel no shame in it!
Nicole
The struggle is real, My second pregnancy took 3 yrs to happen and was a horrible pregnancy with lots of pain and nausea. We are not well off and decided when we found out it was a boy that God had blessed us with one of each and we should be done. My Dr. was not happy and up until the day of my C-section she continued to make sure I was sure. My Dr. started my C-section and as she went to cut my uterus it burst open. She was so glad I wasn’t having anymore, me so sad, that even if I wanted to pay to undo my tubes I couldn’t. It made it so real and my womb aches when I think about it. But God has a plan for us all.
Erin
This really touches my heart this morning. I am 36, my husband is 46, and we have five beautiful children. We had always thought we would “stop” at four because that seemed like a nice, reasonable number, so when we had the blessed “surprise” of number five, it was surreal. But immediately after she was born, we realized how wonderful a “bonus baby” can be 🙂 And after that, I always had in mind that I wanted another. She is three now–far past the spacing between any of our children, and so I’m wondering if time passingn will be the answer. My husband is always preoccupied with thinking ahead–how old will I be as this one reaches this stage, the next stage, etc. He feels like we need to be done for practical reasons. And I want to be supportive, but everything in my heart longs for just one more. It’s an ache that is so strong, and I guess I just have to accept that it’s a part of me now, and likely will be for many years to come–perhaps for always, like a kind of grief.
Carla
I am just entering this phase. My husband and I met late in life, and I have 3 children. 6, 2 and 1. I am 41, and battled cancer this last year with a baby, 1 year old and kindergartener. I feel like I missed so much, and the insult to injury is that she is my last. I didn’t get to soak it in and enjoy it. I was so tired and battling for my life. I thank God in heaven for healing me, and for the sweet ray of sunshine who Literally saved my life( we found the cancer bc of my pregnancy). We are done because I cannot, physically, do more. That feeling of depletion?? Goodness, yes!!! My body is done, but my heart is not. I don’t know if it ever will be!
Mallory
I am 24 years old and have recently given birth to our 5th child. Initially, I had really only wanted four, but with the end of each pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding experience I found myself hearing that tiny voice, that small whisper deep down that suggests it’s time again. I don’t know for sure how many more times I will answer that call, but because I have had all csections, I know that each time could be my last. I used to struggle with the decision of whether or not I should continue on, as did my husband. I thought about it constantly. We prayed and prayed, listened and wondered. Now, I have great peace in knowing that I have given this to God. I know that not every woman is called to have so many children, but I was, and am. I do not, however, think less of women who plan their families in other ways, through God’s leading. Each family is unique, and we should all be able to rest comfortably in these precious years of motherhood, confident that His will is being accomplished through each of our lives.
Veronica
Thanks for sharing this post. It’s interesting because we thought we were done three years ago. I carried and wore my “baby” as long as I possibly could, came to terms with giving away all of our baby items and maternity wear, and celebrated her toddlerhood as she moved past diapers and baby toys. . . and then The Lord began to open our hearts to the thought of another. We prayed about it but moved forward cautiously . . . and then we found out we were pregnant. It was such a startling and emotional time . . . the thought of starting all over from scratch and welcoming a third child into our family. As I move forward with an infant in my womb once more, I cannot say for sure if this is the last time, but I will treasure this time as if it is. I will embrace every flutter, every kick, and the opportunity to be a mom once more. . . trusting in His perfect grace to guide us through.
Marie
My cousin and I were just having this conversation. We were both in tears. I just can’t say it. It’s too painful. Being a momma is so precious to me.
I’m afraid I will always want just one more.
I turn 40 next year. Pregnancy is so hard on my body…and therefor so hard on my family.
I’m relying on God…either way.
Kelcie Britt
Thank you for your post. I am a sahm of two beautiful children and I would love to have more, but by our choice we have decided that we are done. We made this decision with our finances, home size and two children in mind. It seems sometimes that people don’t want to respect your decision to be “done”, so it is nice to see a community of women who don’t judge and understand your reasoning for such a BIG decision.
Sharron
I have seven children, and two miscarriages. I wanted four children. The last three are, indeed, gifts from God. I wouldn’t trade them for anything. I pleaded in prayer for my first four. The ugly truth is that I was, at first, dismayed to find out I was expecting the each of the last three. Just before I found out I was excpecting the fifth child, I watched my husband in the living room with the older four and heard this in my mind “Your family isn’t complete”. I had a positive pregnancy test two weeks later. The sixth was noticed amid a whirlwind of rebuilding the front half of our home following a water leak that resulted in mold. The seventh, and last baby, came with the knowledge that her name would be Evangeline Joy, again two weeks before I knew I was pregnant. My husband wanted/wants scads and scads of children. We live in a tiny, tiny house. My husband does not do change. He will not seek out other, high paying employment. He will not sell our house and move to a larger one. He will not build on to our current house. We have seven children sharing two bedrooms. When our last was born, I knew. Even though I knew, I still feel as though her baby time flashed by. She’s four, now. Her toddler face is changing. Her phrases are more grown up. While I am still rejoicing over the absence of things like diapers, diaper bags, and strollers, I do miss the baby stages. Some. I had six babies in quick succession. I felt like those nine years were a giant blur. I spent an entire decade in a fog. It’s hard for me to miss those years. The youngest baby, though. She’s the one that I notice each little change in. I’m glad the children are growing as expected. I’m thrilled to see them develope and change and grow. And I’m ever so glad to hold the babies of neighbors and friends. Maybe because I made the proclamation that ‘God trusts us to steward the life he has given us, and now is the time to recognize that by North American standards, we can no longer fit any other children into our house’, I don’t feel sad about not having any more babies. Not that I wouldn’t welcome any more, ever. I mean, our oldest is 18. She may be moving out soon…
Laura
Thank you so much for this. I read your blog pretty faithfully and I love what you write but this, this is a balm for my soul. Our baby is only 3 months old but before she was born we agreed that she would be our last. Now I’m not so sure. Some days I feel like cramming one more tiny person in this house would drive us to insanity, and other days I can’t bear the idea of never feeling those flutters and kicks, never holding that brand new soft skin, never seeing those firsts grins and hearing those first cries again. I feel like I am going to have to decide if I actually have the capability to effectively and lovingly parent more or if God has already given me a full cup. I’m so thankful to know that others are in the same boat. Your encouragement always soothes me. Thank you.
Laura
Thank you for addressing this silent “issue”. We have three children, 5 1/2, almost 4, and a 17mth old. I never set a specific number, but I knew after my first daughter was born I wasn’t done. Our last daughter was born 6 weeks early, after a pregnancy that was the most difficult of the three. My husband and I will both be 40 next year, so I knew I did not have the patience to go through another pregnancy, or a fourth C-section. However, even though I knew for our children’s sake and my own health I was done, I struggle sometimes with the question of, were we being disobedient by not continuing to have as many children as God would give us? Rationally I have many very valid reasons for why it was perfectly acceptable for having a tubal surgery. I suppose I could second guess this the rest of my life, but the fact is, what is done is done. I choose now to focus on enjoying the fantastic blessing of being a mother to three beautiful, healthy children. My husband and I are both always open to what God may bring our way, via adoption, etc. but for now we are just living our life as a complete family.
Donna
I thought this was the hardest, but it definitely is not. You still have them with you to hold and love on when you want. Nowadays, I watch mine get in their cars and drive away to their own homes and know that our little family – the five of us, my husband and our 3 children and I – will never live together again. I promise you the ache of the empty nest is wrenching. And everyone keeps telling you how wonderful it is. How great it is to have all that hard work behind you. I just say nothing. No one gets it. No one understands how I would give anything to have them back. To be able to live just one more day of their childhood. No, being done giving birth is definitely not the hardest.
Stephanie
This could not have come at a better time. THANK.YOU. I have 3 children, two living and one in heaven. My “rainbow” pregnancy was such a redemptive time for me. Carrying my sweet Emma was a time of great dependence on the Lord! However, I always struggle with PPD. It gets easier, but it is still very difficult. My husband and I are beginning to pray for wisdom regarding more biological children and a greater love for adoption. Ladies, this is right where God wants us! I feel most satisfied when I am so dependent on Him, and yet my heart aches for answers! Is it wise to have more knowing my health issues? I don’t know. But He does! Preaching this truth to myself….so hard!!
Crystal
Thank you for this post! As I type my 11 week old miracle is sweetly sleeping in the swing. He is the child that I never thought I would have. Our daughter was a honeymoon baby and we rejoiced in being young parents. We wanted a houseful of kids and couldn’t wait to give her a sibling. I never imagined that it would be 18 years later! After our daughter was born I developed secondary infertility. In the Spring of 2013 I ended up in the ER with an ectopic pregnancy. That was quite a shock! My husband wanted to try to get pregnant again, but I didn’t. After much prayer, God changed my mind and we started trying. We rejoiced when we found out we were expecting at the beginning of this year. Our sweet boy was born perfectly healthy at 36 weeks.
My husband would love to have more kids, but I’m not sure. My husband is 45. I’m 37. This pregnancy was difficult from day 1 until I gave birth. In fact labor was the easy part. Breastfeeding did not come easy and I’ve been dealing with some brutal postpartum depression. I’m terrified that if we have more kids the PPD will be worse. I can’t imagine having a difficult pregnancy like this last one while chasing a toddler. It feels like we have to make a decision now. Our friends and family thought we were crazy already since we had an 18 year old. We get tons of comments about how we are starting over again. My mom has already told me she doesn’t want more grandchildren and to please not get pregnant again.
This season is so hard and I really needed to hear what you had to say today. Thank you!
Kristi
We are done after 2 beautiful boys, born six years apart. Before having any I thought I could be one of those women who had a baby every 18-24 months up until I was 40 or older. Then I had my first at 28; uncomplicated pregnancy, c-section delivery, 11 lb 2 oz bruiser of a boy who required a week long stay in the NICU (mostly respiratory problems). When he was 15 months old, I became pregnant again but miscarried just 4 days after finding out. Then we had 4 LONG years of secondary infertility. I wanted another so badly that I missed a lot of my first child’s milestones because I wasn’t living in the moment. Finally, #2 was born six years and 2 months after #1. I was now 34, developed gestational diabetes and he was also 11 lb 2oz and required a stay in NICU. He was 2 days old before I even held him. Recovery was brutal this time, complicated by sleepless nights and endless days. We decided my body had been through enough and after rocky starts, both our boys were now healthy and happy. Why test the statistics and “push our luck.” While on the wait list for his vasectomy, I became pregnant again, but, again, miscarried just days after a positive pregnancy test.
I can see babies now and not get that pang in my heart to have and hold another. I can be happy for others when pregnancies are announced. I’m not jealous of the round bellies and baby showers.
We’re done.
Ruth
My children are 11, 9, and 3. My husband was “done” after our 9 y.o. was born. It took me many years after her birth to be content with that decision and not to feel condemnation from others in a church where large families are celebrated. Thankfully, the LORD showed me many things to be thankful for during that time. When my oldest was 7, he kept hearing news of friends having more and more babies, and he struggled with jealousy. I told him to pray for a baby if that’s what he wanted. He asked his sister to pray for a baby as well. The LORD quickly gave them a yes, when soon my husband said his heart had softened, and he would like another child. Then I had to wrap my mind around the possibility of a bigger family after all. That was no small task for me, a detailed planner, but I was thrilled. The baby was conceived more quickly than the other two. She was born about 12 months after they started praying. We enjoy her so much more than we did the first two when they were little. Her middle name is Abigail, which means “Her Father’s Joy.” She is definitely her earthly father’s joy, and we know her heavenly Father’s joy as well. When she was about five months old we were both at peace that she would be our last biological baby. I still hope for adopted children occasionally, but that is only something I would want to pursue if my husband took the lead.
Karen
Boy, you struck a nerve! I think all women struggle with that! I’m in my 50’s and I still remember wavering back and forth. I had 3 children and 3 miscarriages at 12 weeks. Our youngest daughter has Downs Syndrome and although we both wanted 4 kids, making that decision to have one more after her was hard. We felt very blessed with her and worried about having a child with even more issues. We prayed, wavered back and forth and couldn’t make up our minds. Well, I got pregnant—while on an IUD! We were overjoyed! God made the decision for us and we relished the idea of having a fourth child. We lost the baby. And after that we decided that it was Gods way of saying we are done. My hubby got a vasectomy and we both were relieved of having to make that decision, but that didn’t stop me for wondering if we should have tried one more time…clear into my 40’s!
Jaynessa
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I needed this. I have three amazing boys, and I love them with all of my being, but pregnancy has NEVER been a magical experience for me, it has always been hard and full of difficulties and trials. After our third was born my husband said “no more, I can’t stand to see you so miserable, please can we just be thankful for our three healthy children and love them and give them a great life?” I reluctantly agreed, because somewhere in the deep down inside I really wanted a daughter. We prayed, and prayed, and prayed…God led us to know that my now 5 year old would be our last child. This is right for our family, and I am content, but sometimes it creeps up on me that maybe it was the wrong decision, maybe I should have more, maybe I should have left it to God. So thank you for this beautifully written post, I know that we made the decision God had for us and I know that our family is perfect the way it is!
Shelly
For myself, I just knew. My husband had only wanted 2, but I had wanted 3. After God blessed us with our 2 boys, my heart longed for one more; my husband still wanted his daughter. And we got her! After our daughter was born, my husband got a vasectomy which I was ok about, since I wasn’t ready to get my tubes tied. It’s weird; I know I’m finished having children. I don’t get that longing that I used to get after my first son was born, and then my second. I feel complete; whole. I do miss those baby years with the cuddling and baby smell, but I love the independence my 3 monsters now have (and they love to be called my monsters!). And how do I get my baby fix? I help out in the nursery at my church.
I do recommend helping out in your church’s nursery. To have a hand in helping these young minds learn about Jesus and not to mention cuddling with the babies, this fills any need that I may have ..to have just 1 more.
Misty
I think you hit the mark perfectly. It is not a matter of ideology but of prayer, and prayer between the husband and wife… not anyone else’s concern. We have eight children. I have thought we were done many times. This time it is permanent and I am starting to feel a little better physically (youngest is 3). It has been hard, we have struggled with depression, financial struggles and extreme exhaustion. I am so thankful for each one of our children, but I am also thankful to be done having them and have energy to raise them. I know this is a tough topic, I appreciate your honesty! I have learned to respect mamas more, like you said, we don’t know what is happening that makes them come to their decision. I also have stopped asking people if they are having more.
Melinda
I am a 45-year old mom of 4. My oldest being 22 and my youngest will be 8. I was almost 38 when I had him. When I was a little girl, all I wanted was children. Used to make lists of baby names (although none were used.) I was the baby of 6. So I wanted 6, or as many as my body would allow. My husband only wanted 2. So we compromised on 4. With my first child, I had pre-eclampsia. But went on to have two more children. Then I had an ectopic pregnancy. Wasn’t sure I would have anymore children. I had said I would have my tubes tied with the 4th. And I did. Very difficult decision. I knew my last was my last so I tried to savor everyday of his infancy. Now his firsts are my “lasts”. For example, his first day of Kindergarten was my last firsst day of Kindergarten. It’s a hard transition. I still ache to have another baby. I don’t think that feeling will ever go away. In some respects, I miss it greatly. Just yesterday I was reflecting on how I will never experience breastfeeding again. In just a couple of weeks, my son will turn 8 and will no longer need a carseat. That will be a first in a LONG time. However, it is an END. I have known women who never get over having babies and others who love it. Finacially and room-wise we couldn’t have more. I did feel like I needed to accomplish my goal of 4 after having the ectopic. I had to feel that I was still capable of being what God designed me for after feeling inadequate with the ectopic. I knew during the last pregnancy it was my last and I mourned that fact. I have no choice now as I had to have a hysterectomy. But the grief is still there. My kids are beginning to be old enough for grandkids soon. But I know it won’t be the same. I can’t say for you when to be done. It’s a personal choice. Doesn’t make it easy. But I can say, for me, even at 45, the desire is still there.
Angela C.
Thank you for sharing your heart and insight in this matter. I have often felt like a bit of an outsider in the “crunchy mom community” because I am not an “open womb” believer. I have always believed in every couple’s right to choose the size of their family. I am also saddened when families are harsh or judgmental towards others who don’t share the exact same beliefs regarding childbearing. We have three girls and it was tiring dealing with everyone asking if we’re going to keep trying for a boy. I handled it well but couldn’t help feeling offended at times. There is nothing wrong with having just girls or just boys. I also had many troubles in pregnancy and was “high risk” by my fourth pregnancy. For me, I just decided that I couldn’t risk it again or risk my girls growing up without a mother.
Dawn
I have 3 children–2 boys and a girl, and I would like one more. But, I just turned 40. I feel the pressure of the biological clock on me, and Yes, I do feel overwhelmed on many days and wonder if it makes sense for us to have one more child. Also, it feels like there are many including some in my family who think it’s crazy that we would want one more child. After all, we have 2 boys and a girl. What more could we ask for? But yet my husband and I would like one more child…it’s on our hearts to try again. We’ll see what God does. I think I have to “get over” being concerned about the opinion of others and just walk this out with God leading the way.
mm
i searched the comments looking for someone who sounded like me…. 39 – 3 children – as soon as the last one was born – i was ready for another…talking about 2 more seems insane – lol – but i am going to try until i cannot! our families think we are nuts…
I just wanted to say – go for it! you will have a load of grandbabies one day and be so happy that you didnt listen to your nay-sayers but to your hearts!
Barb
I was personally truly convicted about trusting God for my family size and not using unnatural birth controls methods. I believe that God creates children and they are gifts to us and the world, for His purposes. In my young years, I am sorry to say that I was judgmental and likely said things that hurt others.
I wished for #3 and felt for a long time like “someone was missing”. It didn’t happen….but Life did. After my husband left us, and I was faced with rebuilding my life as a single mom who needed to go back to school to start a career, I could see how much harder it would have been for me with three kids. My two were old enough to be helpful and somewhat independent and we have become a great team.
Our journey changes us in all kinds of ways. I believe that when we are looking to God for guidance throughout it, we are changed by Him according to His will. I now can see that the closing of my womb was part of His provision for me. It adds to my sadness over my broken marriage, but it also reveals a very tender love to my heart…and I love that so much. Not only does He “have a plan” but, more importantly, His plan is GOOD. Even in the pain.
If, by chance, someone has hurt you with their words, please remember that they are on a journey just as you are. Trust Him with your pain, and their place in their journey. You don’t know how He’s working in them. May He be transforming all of our hearts and minds in the ways that He knows we need transformation.
Thank you for your words of grace, sister.
Jessica
We are done. After six children and a summer of my back going out, we made the decision that we were done having babies. It seemed to happen so fast, I am one who stresses over decisions, but the timing was set and poof…just like that we were done. I was very depressed for about a year over the decision. My heart ached so badly to think the baby cries were gone from our home. But The Lord has brought me through this as He always so faithfully does, and taught me so much. I feel that I have grown up after 36 years of age, I feel older in a good way, different than I ever have felt. And it is so true as chapters close and new journeys begins, life is full of newness and growth. I am looking forward to the blessings of becoming a grandmother one day, I have around 10 years or so before that happens and I am certain that God will continue to mold me into that person. Thank you so much for writing this and may The Lord bless you and all these wonderful mommies who have responded.
Amy
My 3rd child is now 2 months old. I savor these sweet days of infancy with her, my only daughter. She will most likely be the last for us. My husband works 3 side jobs along with his full-time job so I can be at home during these special years with our children. He is tired and so am I as we both approach our mid 30s. My hope is to start a blog that will eventually earn an income so he can let go of all the extra work. We also both have responsibilities to family members with severe health issues.
We are extremely blessed to have three beautiful children. Where I am now is beyond any of my wildest dreams or expectations.
Chevi Calvert
Hi. I’ve never commented on a blog I’ve come across before but I just have to. I have to say thank you for this. It made me bawl my eyes out but that’s ok. I needed it. I do trust The Lord and I’m believing Him for the answer but I don’t have it yet. I never had a number in my head until we found out that our third baby was to be a girl. Our first two are brothers and we were giving them a sister. It was then that I wanted to give HER a sister (or at least try to) and 4 became my number. That was fine until she was born with an extremely rare chromosome disorder. She’s 3 1/2 now and has a pretty, hot pink wheelchair and fancy boots for trying to stand. Her hair is shaved once again after her 4th skull surgery. She has no definite words but her Muh is sounding more and more like Ma every day! 😉 The early days were dark, darker than I ever imagined experiencing as a believer. But God has healed my heart and given me everything I need to be the mommy my baby girl needs. She is my heartbeat and I can’t imagine life without her. For a while after she was born, I was sure I couldn’t do it again. The mere thought of being pregnant was terrifying. But the more comfortable I became with Evie’s diagnosis and my God given ability to care for her, the more I started to think about my number. 4. Even today during her swallow study, I cringed when the xray technician asked if there was any chance that I could be pregnant and I had to answer ‘no’. Truthfully, I don’t feel done. My head says don’t do it. I think about how I’d handle it if my husband were to be deployed again. Grocery shopping with 2 boys, Evie in her wheelchair and a new baby? Who am I, Super Mom? Ha. No. But my heart says, why shouldn’t Evie get a sister (or little brother) just like you wanted when she was being perfectly knit together by God’s perfectly steady hands? Why shouldn’t we have one more like we wanted before things got hard? Don’t you think that if God gives you another baby, He’ll equip you to be the Mom that each of your children needs you to be?
I don’t know the answers to these questions and more. But thank you for making me feel like it’s ok ask them and for encouraging me to continue to seek God’s will for our family and to trust His timing and method for revealing the answers. And thank you, maybe most of all, for helping me realize that He may be saying 3 is it for me and that if that is the case, I know He will mend my heart once again and give me the strength to box up those clothes, donate those items and store those baby years sweetly and safely away in my memories.
Megan Taylor
((HUGS)) Our youngest had a virus go to her brain at a very young age (she’s only 2.5 now) which led to catastrophic epilepsy (over 100 seizures a day) and then traveling across the country this past summer for a radical brain surgery to remove half of her brain to stop the seizures. Her future is so very unknown. When we were traveling for her surgery I very unexpectedly found out that we were pregnant with #4. I’ll admit I am completely terrified as I don’t know how I will care for her with all of her special needs as well as a new baby. All I know is that God has been incredibly faithful so far and He will continue to be. Anyway, just wanted to say I know what a hard road it can be and your daughter is so very blessed to have you. Prayed for you today, I hope you get to hear that special “Mom” soon, it is so hard having a child unable to speak to you.
Chevi
Megan,
Thank you so much for your kind words and prayers. I’ll say a prayer for you and your family as well. I’m sure all of your children are blessed to have such a loving mother by their sides.
TJGF
I’m done. In all honesty, I was done before I started. I never aspired to be a mother at all. God had other plans for me and I am blessed with one child. She is now almost an adult herself. I am thankful to be her mother and see the absolute blessing in having her to call me Mom; but I never even considered another, I never wondered what it would be like to be Mom of 2. Mothering just was really never on my heart I guess. I read posts like this and feel absolutely condemned because apparently I am weird, but it’s just how I’m wired I guess. I say, if God has laid it on your heart to have lots of babies, then that’s what you should do; and if God has deemed that you already have all of your babies – then you are just as blessed as those Moms with a dozen of them at their feet.
Rhashell
I CAN SO relate. My husband and I had our suprise son when we were 26 & 28. Now that our son is 7 EVERYONE asks are you going to have anymore, better have one before it’s too late etc. etc. I became a stay at home mom when son was born and now homeschooling. It seems to be the fad to have lots of children. We knew before our son was ever born he would be our only child, and have been content with him since. But everyone else seems to try to tell you you need more. When folks try and tell me how I’m going to regret having an only child I simply say I hit perfect the first time and I don’t need to try again.
Liz
This post was very timely today as my husband and I reached our target month to take the plunge and try for #3. As I look at the calendar I stop to think and ask do I jump or turn around and go back. My son is 4 and daughter is 2.5, both wonderful blessings from God, but also very much time consuming I can’t imagine having another one. Yet I don’t feel done and I know my husband wants 3. Thankfully my ability to get pregnant and my pregnancies have been fine. It’s such a strange place to be in, wanting more but not wanting more. I have been coming around to the idea of #3 and after reading today’s post I was reminded that it’s not about me, it’s about God opening up my womb or not and to ultimately trust him with it. Perhaps I will have a hard time conceiving this time, perhapregardless it’s
Ash
As a mother to 6 amazing boys.(Ages 2-15) I get asked alot by people if we are going to keep trying for a girl. I’m 34 years old. Of course I say to them. Yes I would love to have a Lil girl, but in God’s timing. If it’s not meant to be for us to have another one then so be it. But personally it does bother me when they ask it. I feel pressured at time to try for that girl. But then I’m reminded of how God has blessed me with 6 beautiful boys…And that it’s okay if we happen to have another boy. I enjoy your posts. You are a beacon of God’s light. Thanks for writing this article~ Blessings to you**
Susan Alexander
I’m in a similar place. I have four wonderful children very close together. When my fourth was born, my oldest had just turned 5. The last pregnancy was hard – I battled SPD from very early on and had months of prodromal labor. My body was worn through. When I went into labor, my body was so ready I delivered in an hour – in the car.
I loved being pregnant mostly – I didn’t love the exhaustion, the aversions, and most of all the pains (SPD, rib pain, back pain from scoliosis). I loved giving birth mostly – I didn’t love the stress of dealing with childcare, would my husband be there, would we make it to the hospital (nope). I love babies and the quiet sweetness of nursing mostly – I am so tired from years of sleeplessness, my fuse is too short from having all these crazy kids, and I really miss being able to just BE with my husband without all the taxing needs of small people.
A big big part of me will always probably want more babies. I love the stories of the really big families who just give all their fertility over. I wonder at how they do it. I gave my fertility up to God for all those years – we never prevented. The babies kept coming – closer and closer together each time. At the rate I was going, we would eventually have Irish twins.
My heart breaks writing this and even admitting it, but I am at my limit with what I have. I cannot mentally take more children running around. I cannot physically take another pregnancy right now. In a perfect world, I would just keep having babies until I could no longer have them. But it’s not like that.
And so, with my baby at 14 months, I am coming to terms with another decade of avoiding. I am making peace that there may be no more tiny feet. I am getting rid of the baby clothes, the baby stuff, the maternity wear. Like you, I am keeping a small stash of maternity wear. I am keeping a small stash of beloved baby clothes and practical/neutral ones. I am keeping a few, minimal baby supplies. I tell myself that if God blessed us with a surprise, we would just go the minimalist route next time. But in my heart I am not sure that we are meant to have any more.
It does help with the heart ache that we are avoiding by charting and withdrawal – I feel that it’s fairly safe, but that it still leaves the door open for God to work if He really intends for us to have another child.
Anyway, it really helps to know I’m not alone. And now I’m crying….
Kelsey
We are done according to my husband. He just turned 24 and I will be 24 in May. I feel to young to be done for sure. Our daughter will be turning 3 in February.We are due to have our second child, a boy, March 6th. Neither of our children were at all planned but our daughter made my husband a better man and I think that our son will too. I think I will be ok being done but I don’t want to take any type of serious medical measures to ensure that doneness until 30 or 35. I will just stick to an IUD so that I don’t forget pills and I don’t get fat from the shots. Birth control is the real issue with being done. My husband, in some dark moments, has blamed me for both of our children because I was not 100% good with taking pills every day, a fact of which he was aware.
Jennifer
We are done, but not so much by choice. I had my last at the age of 33. Thinking at the time we were done we let it go for a few years. Then I started thinking I could have one more. I was 39 (and holding)….many people I know are having kids at that age and older. So, we decided to give it a go. Well, one year and 3 miscarriages later we just could not take another loss. The doctor assured me all was well….it may have been my age, or my husband who is 11 years older than me. We could do testing and see if there was anything we were missing, but decided not to because that may take too much time. Sometimes I wonder if we had started earlier or not spaced our last one so far…..maybe. It still bothers me at times, but I have 3 wonderful kiddos that the Lord has blessed me with. I just snuggle them as much as possible and wait for the grandchildren to love on. My heart still aches at times when I see people around me that are expecting or new moms with their babies. I just continue to trust the Lord and lean on Him.
Sharon
I knew I was done as soon as I was pregnant with my now 4 month old. I just felt, no matter the outcome (I had a miscarriage 10 months earlier) that my body was finished making babies.
I am at peace with it, almost relieved. I do feel heartbreaking sadness as each first & last happen, knowing they will be the last time I experience them, but I also looking forward to what is coming in the future, as my family grows up.
I am almost 40, having met my husband late in life & I have been blessed to be pregnant 4 times with 3 healthy children & 1 angel. I thank God everyday for them, for the blessings I have been given & I do my best to raise them in Gods love and presence.
Jenny
I remarried about a year and a half ago; my husband has 3 children from his previous marriage, and I have 2 from my previous marriage. My husband and I were really excited to have a baby together; however, when I was 3 1/2 months pregnant, I had a miscarriage. I am 38 at the time; my doctor said that because of my age, I have an 80% chance of either miscarrying again or have complications with my pregnancy. Losing our baby was hard, but the hardest part for me has been that my heart and mind are willing and able to have more babies, but my body isnt. It has been very hard realizing I am done. The hardest part was not being able to fit into any of my jeans after my miscarriage; the only pants that fit were either my maternity jeans or yoga pants. I am trusting God in all of this, but my heart is still broken.
Jenny
I meant that hardest part has been being reminded every time I put on my (maternity) jeans that the reason I am wearing them isnt because I am pregnant, but because my non-maternity jeans dont fit.
Jessi
My husband and I spoke about it just after we were married. We’d had the conversation throughout the 5 years before we were wed as I have three children from previous marriage/relationships. My oldest is 14 and my youngest two are 10 and 7 from another relationship. My husband has no children of his own and is 6 years younger than I am. I prayed about it a lot because I would love to have a child with my husband…feeling like I’ve finally gotten it right and it would be such a beautiful thing to have a child with the love of my life. To see a little person with pieces of him would be amazing. However, I felt very selfish in this. My children have been through a lot in their lives, from divorce at a young age and our lives being turned upside down, to an abusive relationship, their biological father dragging them through girlfriend after girlfriend. I fought my way through the rubble and provided my children with a stable environment as a single mom, deciding that I was not going to do anything else to turn their worlds upside down ever again. That any decision I ever made from there on would be with their interest in mind. Soon after, my now husband entered our lives and we took 5 years to decide to marry. Although, truth be told, I knew he was IT within a month or so. But, I waited, and waited…while we all formed a strong family unit. Now, we are married and my children have a wonderful family unit and they all feel confident and comfortable in their relationships with us both. They love their step-dad, he’s the only every-day father figure that my youngest two have ever had. We felt that bringing another child into our lives would upset the balance of it all. I also had become a stay-at-home parent and then opened my own daycare out of our home. I really felt called by God to share my home with other families in my community and provide a loving, nurturing environment for their children while they were away. All of the children I care for are like family. My children and my husband are involved in the care as well. Being self-employed means an unstable income and on top of that my husband has been planning to begin his own business for years. SO, when we spoke about it we gave it some time but really felt that it was now or never for his business. That our children needed to come first. That we shouldn’t bring another child into our unit that we were sure we would be able to afford. Some weeks, we are counting pennies. Some weeks, we are not. Most days I am glad but I sure do snuggle my “borrowed” daycare babies as often as possible and am glad that I have the time, love and attention to give them. I love what I do, and I get to send them home and have a full night sleep, which is something I find I need a lot more of at my now 36 years of age.
Melisa
I had my first at 35, second at 38, third at 41, and 4th at 44 (I turned 45 5 days later). 🙂
Heidi
Melisa, You give me hope!!! I am 42 and desire more. I love being a mom of 8 children and pray God blesses with more… Love hearing about ladies having babies in their 40’s.. Thanks for sharing!
yvonne
So sad, reading this. Glad God is in control. Never knew so many frown on blessings.
Ronnie
I agree, so sad reading these…especially about the mom’s with aching hearts to have more children but are trying to honor their husbands ‘no’ decision. What a tough spot to be in. My heart goes out to you.
At risk of being the “judgmental voice” (which couldn’t be further from the truth) I have to say that I’m also saddened to see a definite pattern of trust being put in finances, in medical advise, in personal ability, in physical strength, in living situations, in their definition of ‘wisdom’, in other people’s opinions, in pretty much everything but a sovereign, powerful, all-knowing God all while at the same time saying that they are putting their trust in God alone… I find it interesting but also quite disturbing. Also, the argument that it is a leap of faith to end one’s own fertility by one’s own choice (not talking about situations in which the wife is honoring her husband’s decisions) seems like a rationalization to me.
Frankly, I don’t enjoy being pregnant and I struggle everyday with motherhood and quite often feel judged for the choices my husband and I have made. We don’t have children to fulfill our desires, I’m sorry if that sounds crass. Our desires really have no bearing on our fertility decision making process. God is perfectly capable of closing and opening a womb, he doesn’t need “help” and he doesn’t need people to “draw the line” for Him. I have been taught through much pain and anguish and most of the time kicking and screaming (in my spirit) to grow into the joy of motherhood as I am not a natural “motherly” type. And I am growing by God’s grace for sure and it is definitely painful at times!
I would like to encourage others who are worried about not having enough “fill in the blank” to provide for additional children. From my own experience, additional resources, both in a financial sense and in the sense of my own health and physical/psychological limitations have always been provided for AFTER trusting in God, not before. Pick a Bible account, it is a well established pattern that God’s provision usually comes ‘after’ a leap of faith (and not always right away). Think of Moses not wanting to go to Egypt because among other reasons he was slow of speech–God provided Aaron to be his voice, Abraham told to sacrifice his only son Isaac on the altar-God provided the ram at the last moment. David slaying Goliath even though he shouldn’t have had the strength to do it; The account of Gideon and how God systematically stripped away the manpower resources of his army to show that it was God and God alone that should get the glory for defeating the enemy army, and on and on… All of the resources for a worthwhile endeavor are rarely presented up front. Where’d the faith be in that, people?
We are expecting our 6th baby in less than six years and yes it is hard, and exhausting and scary at times, especially on a public school teacher’s salary. We have not had to use public assistance yet but I’m fully aware that there may come a time for that and that I will just have to swallow my “college-educated A-student pride” when/if that time comes. I also feel blessed beyond measure especially knowing that there are so many who would love to take the work and exhaustion and stress just to have another baby. I am so very humbled in hearing those stories…
Up until just recently all seven of us have been living in a small 600 sqft. 2nd floor apartment. Yet, in 16 days we will be moving to a rental home that is over 4x’s larger. My husbands salary hasn’t increased nor have we fallen into a windfall of money…all I can say is it’s just another example of God’s provision. He is still working on me as a wife, mother and as just a person in general. I don’t see myself as separate from the mom’s who “are done” for whatever reasons, we really are all in the same boat. May God’s grace be on us all.
Stacie
I get EXACTLY where you’re coming from. . .
Tina
I was blessed with 2 girls and a boy from my first marriage. All my life I wanted nothing more than to be a mom but after problems at age 19 my doc said it would never happen. After lots of prayer and a year of marriage I became pregnant with my first ( I was 22). I went on to have 3 children in four years only having 1-2 cycles per year.
I have since remarried and have 6 angels in heaven. 4 from this year alone. We were not planning on anymore as I am 40 and suffer from a rare genetic ilness that causes great pain but God saw differently. I became pregnant on the pill2x the lastbeing 4 yrs ago and it resulted in a near death miscarriage at 17 weeks. I went on the shot and became pregnant again last Dec. Lost her at 5 weeks. Became pregnant again in Apr with a loss at 7 weeks and then we wdecided OK God we get the point. And decided I would make all the changes necessary to carry to term. I gave up soda, ate healthy, limited activity and became pregnant again only to lose them again at 7 weeks.
I have always wanted more children but my new husband did not until we became pregnant at the same his brother did. Now we see their precious ones at family dinners and are reminded of what we have lost.
Are we actively trying again? Not really I am 41. Are we preventing it? No
Does everyone have an opinion? Yes. Do they know the entire story? They might if they chose to read my blog post I shared Oct 15th. Pregnancy loss awareness day.
I have an in-law who regularly implies I intentionally have caused the loss of each of our angels so becoming pregnant remains a secret for as long as possible to reduce the stress she causes us.
Do we want more? Absolutely. Are we going to have them? I don’t know because I don’t know how much more heartbreak I can take.
BTW my children are 18, 16 & 14 now.
I would have 2 more if I could be guaranteed the heartbreak is over so everyday I pray and wait Gods will be done.
I would be happy to share my story from my blog with others needing encouragement but I am not comfortable promoting it in the comment section without approval from this blogs author. I am not here to promote my blog but get encouragement myself.
Alison
I at one time thought I would have babies until my uterus fell out. (Well, maybe not literally, but you get my drift). I did fine through the first 2 pregnancies. I loved being pregnant. I really loved the outcome. After our miscarriage in 2010, the enchantment of being pregnant was gone for me. It was no longer a joyous occasion like it had been before. When I found out I was pregnant again, just over 1 month after my miscarriage, I was not excited. I didn’t want to go through all of that again. I thought that if I didn’t get attached, it wouldn’t be as hard as last time if I lost this one. Once I walked in and had that first ultrasound, there was no turning back. I was in love. At 3 years old, this little ball of mischief has me wrapped around his finger. While pregnant with him, I was working part time and not at home like I had been with the first two. It absolutely wore me out. Once he was born, I told my husband that I didn’t want to go through the process of having a baby anymore. It was at that point we started discussing adoption more intensely. I have had my tubes tied, and yes, there are days when I look at them and wish I had another on the way, but the truth of the matter is, they all grow up at some point. I want to enjoy them all the way through. At this point, I can only give attention to so much, and I want to make it intentional and matter. We hope that if God wants us to adopt that we will know it when it is time. I feel we will adopt an older child, not a newborn. That’s not something I would have said even a year ago. We are done with having biological children, and it was by our choice. I have second guessed it at times, but know in my heart that it was the right choice for us. And I too am in the process of cleaning out all the baby stuff.
erickajen
i always wanted an older boy and a baby girl. last summer my dreams came true and thats what i got. im done! id LOVE more, but for me, my aspergers and need to have alone time and my tendency to be overwhelmed… i just dont think i could handle much more going on than there already is, plus the guilt! so im happy to be done and i look forward to parenting in heaven if the Lord wills that! 🙂
Laura S.
My husband and I both wanted 4 children, and God blessed us with four. My oldest is 5 and our 2nd is waiting for us in heaven. Our 3rd is 2 1/2 and our 4th is 1. We prayed for quite some time about weather or not we should have more. You see, when I was pregnant with my youngest, I had complications. At 3 week’s Liam had a bowel movement and inhaled it. The infection then passed to me. By the time we got to the hospital (which was an hour away) my temperature was over 103. And because of all the stress from everything Liam had flipped and was now breached, so even if we had time to deliver him naturally like my other 2 we still couldn’t have. We had to do an emergency c-section. The Dr later told my husband that if we had been just 15 mins later in getting there we wouldn’t have made it. Praise God both myself and my little peanut are healthier than ever! But as a result of this, we have decided that we’re done having children.
Uplifting Families
I had two kids with my ex husband that ended in divorce after 5 years of marriage. I thought that I was never going to meet anyone let alone get married again. I was happy and content with the two that I had and thought that I was done. Then God led me to a wonderful man that I ended up marrying. We tried for a long time to get pregnant and it finally happened after 18 months. My youngest is a huge blessing and rounds out our family. Plus, he is my husband’s only biological child. I ended up having c-section and had my tubes tied. I was going to get the Mirena IUD and things changed after we discovered my son was breech. I had a tough pregnancy the last several weeks. I suffer with chronic pain in my back and the pregnancy widen my hips some and left me to suffer from SPD the last 8 weeks or so of my pregnancy. My son is now 3 and I am getting the baby itch. I know that I can’t physically carry a baby due to my health issues. We always said that we would adopt if God put that on our hearts.
I am glad that God opened my heart and blessed my family with a third baby.
tthomas0726
Such a good post. I always thought I would have 4 children. When I met my husband, we both had 2 children already from previous marriages. 4 kids. We had a daughter unexpectedly, bringing our total to 5. 5 kids. This had to be it. We had to be done. I told my husband I wanted him to visit the “snip-snip” dr! He dragged his feet and really so did I. We did not want more kids! What type of crazy people have 5 kids and go have more!? But in the back of my mind, in my heart, my soul – I just always KNEW I was suppose to have 4 kids. I know we had 5 together, but I had only given birth to 3 children. I knew I was suppose to have 2 boys and 2 girls. At that point, my oldest was a boy and my 2 youngest were girls. I had an unexpected moment randomly one day when an image of a little baby boy flashed in my mind and it stopped me in my tracks. It was MY BOY. I knew this in my heart. It brought me to tears right then and there. I felt like there was a little boy and he was mine and he was waiting for me. It literally scared me to think that I might not ever have him in my life. I knew right then that I was meant to have 4 kids. It was about 2 years later, but we did find out that we were pregnant again. And that it was a boy. It was the most wonderful feeling. I now feel like our family is complete and NOW I feel that I am done having kids. And so does my husband. And so do our SIX kids. 🙂
Rebecca
We have two boys, ages will- be -4- in- 3 days and 19 months. The last pregnancy was difficult for me, with some concerning health issues, even though I ate a healthy diet and exercised. Since then we have felt to use natural methods to avoid pregnancy for the time being, and focus on raising our two boys for the glory of God. And I am also trying to get to the bottom of some of my health issues, and changing diet, etc. Raising and training kids is not for the faint of heart! And we also plan on homeschooling, which increases the responsibility. So far I think we feel the Lords will would be for us to have 1 or 2 more children, but not yet. I can totally understand if some one felt finished after having just a couple of children, even if they physically could have more! Its vitally important to be able to provide entirely and spiritually for your children, and to raise them and spend quality time, and for some, that may mean “falling short” of having physically as many babies as you can. God directs our steps.
Heather @ My Overflowing Cup
As usual, Erin, I love the heart of this post and the way you approach difficult subjects gently and always in love. We chose to only have two, due to finances. At church, my faith was questioned by a strong Christian woman. It hurt me, so I personally know the need to be respectful of others when we speak to them about these issues. Our philosophy, at the time, was that we wanted less children so that we would be able to give them more. At this point, I think our faith would be much more trusting that God would provide for the children He blessed us with. That being said, we are supposed to be wise. It is a very personal decision and one that we must be careful not to judge one another with. With respect to the difficulty of ending this season, my youngest is 14 and I still have a desire for more. Sometimes, I will feel a twitch or something in my stomach (usually my dinner!) and it will remind me of a child growing in the womb. I often feel a pang of sadness, even though I thoroughly enjoy my teenagers. I think we are wired that way as moms. I have also always had a dream of adoption, but finances have prevented that. In both cases, should God desire us to have another child (either by birth or adoption), He will make a way. If He doesn’t, I need to trust His ways and choose contentment. It’s all about perspective and choices, right. Thanks for this post, Erin. I loved it!
Rebecca
*provide emotionally*
Mandy Tirado
I’m pregnant with my third baby (7th pregnancy) and due next May. I’m definitely not done. I want at least 3 more from my body and will foster at least a dozen children throughout the next 60 years. Yes, I plan to be doing it until I can no longer function. God has called me to be a Mother and if I have to scrape two pennies together to make it happen, so be it.
I was told when I was around 20 that it would be tough for me to conceive and to carry to full term. I’ve done it twice and cried through the heartache of multiple miscarriages, chemical pregnancies and times of flat out infertility and it’s all worth it.
My husband and I came from extremely broken homes – abuse, drug use, parents in and out of jail, times of extreme poverty and near starvation, but we made it and are all the stronger for it. We’re fighting generational curses and holding onto hope that our future and our kids’ future will be different. We’re rebuilding our legacy and the foundation of our family, making it one that our children can be proud of and stand tall on. “…As for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.”
I believe that no matter how many children you have and no matter how you have those children, you too can do the same thing. Even a childless family can affect their neighbors and build in them a lasting foundation and legacy. We are the new Moses. We may not see the promised land, but we continue to strive for it anyway.
Katherine
Erin,
Thank you, so much, for this post. I have tears in my eyes… It took my husband and I three years before conceiving, then miscarried. Then conceived again, had a beautiful girl, although she was born a premie with lots of complications. We both almost died from the birth-emergency c-section was done, I was put under. I have no recollection of when she was born. I couldn’t hold her and was so weak myself. Now she is a beautiful and healthy as any other child. I was told I only have a 20% chance of having another viable birth and if the baby did live, there would be complications again. Hearing all over the place to just “trust God”, we are, and four years later still haven’t conceived. Having everyone at church ask why we don’t have more is heart-wrenching. Seeing the older church women look at my daughter and say pitifully that she needs siblings cuts through to my core. The pain we have gone through is the worst I have known. I am open to adopt, but my husband is not. After praying endlessly and seeking counsel, I feel God is saying it is okay. Just because we only have one child does not mean we are loved any less by Him or that we cannot serve Christ as well as anyone else. After reading this, I feel like God led me to read it. He wants me to know that it is okay… I have more peace now. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. You have no idea how much I needed this.
Carla
I had my oldest at 29 then one at 31 (16 months after #1…both girls, major blessing) then #3 23 months later at 32 (boy). I thought I was done. Then, a second round of babes came starting 5 years later with #4 at 37. Healthy boy, then experienced 1 anembryonic miscarriage and 2 VERY early miscarriages then 1 very healthy boy at 39 ( just 3 months from 40) then probably 2-3 VERY early miscarriages again then a beautiful, little baby girl at 42. I can fairly safely say I’m done but I’ve definitely had many moments of the … I would so it again! I’ve had 6 healthy babes from 29-42 (now 13 years old to 5 months old). I would do it again but we would need a bigger bank account and a house cleaner! My husband is a pastor of a small church and we homeschool! I’m tell people… I’m too tired! It’s true, but what is also true is that now I treasure every moment. I love the midnight feedings, the chance to get my baby up from her naps and stay hidden for little chunks of time in her room nursing her and talking to her, I love using those moments also as times to sit and read to all my other kids.
Rebekah
“*I neither condone nor condemn those on Medicaid for Pregnancy. My family birthed two babies that way. But I do respect those who are trying to get off of it. There’s hope: We did.” I know that you were not trying to offend, but still, I was offended. There is an implication there that if you qualify for Medicaid you need to be trying to get off of it. My children qualify for Medicaid and WIC, and I also was on Medicaid with my last pregnancy. My husband is a full time public school teacher, and I have a part-time job and stay home with our children. Should I be going out and getting a job that will take me away from my children? Should my husband be forced to leave the noble profession of teaching young people so he can go and make more money? I personally don’t feel any guilt taking government assistance if our society chooses to pay my husband little enough, in what should be a well-respected and well-paid profession, that we qualify for assistance.
Kristina
Rebekah, You are right in saying that the author didn’t mean to offend. I’m sure she is very well intended. That being said I say bravo to you. I struggled with what it means to be able to “afford” to have children. I would get so mad when I would think about being able to afford to have a baby. And then I would hear how Suzie Smith down the block was having yet again…another baby! I would think, they can’t afford another one! They already have 5! Then when I finally felt we could afford it and did get pregnant I lost my job and my insurance. I was 5 months pregnant. I had to go on Medicaid for the first time in my life. And everything worked out just fine. I’m now working again and have another child and private insurance but guess what? Like you and your husband, we are so poorly paid that with us both working 40 hours a week with private insurance our kids still qualify for Medicaid as a secondary insurance. And I’m happy we have it. There are some things that shouldn’t come into play when deciding the right time to have a baby. The only thing you have to ask yourself is “am I ready to be the best mom I can be to this gift God is giving me”?
And I whole heartedly agree that your husband should be compensated more for such a noble profession. I thank him for taking on such an important job. He will be so important to many young minds. God bless.
Erin
Yes–I didn’t mean to offend because I’ve walked in Rebekah’s shoes. My husband is a public school teacher still, and we would honestly be on food stamps if it weren’t for this blog. It is the way we were able to get off of government aid without me going out to work somewhere. I make a full-time income blogging, and it’s such a blessing to our family. I only meant that if someone were waiting to have more kids or stopping because of rough financial times, I do not fault them. And yes–teachers need to be compensated more! My husband has been teaching for 12 years and has a master’s and still brings home less than $25K/year. He is worth MUCH more than what they pay him!!
Erin
Hi Rebekah. I understand. TRULY–I do. I probably do more than any other person you meet. My husband IS a public school teacher–STILL! The only way we got off of government assistance was for me to start this blog. I am able to do it all from home, so I am still the primary caregiver of our 3 children. It took a while, but I now make a full-time income via blogging. I promise I did not mean to offend because if anyone can understand, I CAN!! I was only saying that I do not fault someone for waiting to have kids if they are struggling financially right now. If you read posts in my archives, I talk quite a bit about how we were on Medicaid and WIC. Hope that makes you feel better! I totally get it! We were there and would still be without this site.
Rebekah
Thank you Erin (and Kristina!) for the nice reply. I appreciate it.
Mandy Tirado
Thank you for your comment. My husband works for the government (again) and he makes barely enough to survive on – less than he made while in the military. If he wasn’t receiving VA GI Bill payments, there’s no way we’d make it. We qualify for almost every government “hand out” but choose not to take it because we’re pretty frugal and are able to make it without, but oh man…is it tempting to reach out and take it! BTW my husband is in law enforcement. Yes, you heard that right. And we’re barely surviving. We live in a low rent area (some of the lowest rent in the county) and do not spend our money frivolously.
Diamond
My oldest daughter who is due for she and her husbands third baby late this month told me about this post today. I could not sleep and so I got up and read it myself from beginning to end . I am so amazed at the wonderful, thoughtful and so sincere comments I have read concerning a subject that I feel just ” isn’t talked about .” It’s almost as if we as women are just expected to understand each and every phase of our lives , but no one ever told me personally about ” this ” one.
I am 45 now and after having female issues almost from the time I gave birth to my oldest daughter ; I was told not to “expect” anymore. I was a young 23 when I gave birth to my youngest daughter , but after hearing such words out of a doctors mouth I almost gave up. How could this be happening to me ? This is all I could think at the time . Why me?
God did bless me with one more child two years later and he was the last my womb ever carried to term. I say to term because even after making the decision to have a tubiligation I became pregnant again three more times over the course of several years. I was never able to carry past a couple months and even though I knew deep in my heart it was for the best ; it didn’t make it any less painful each time I lost yet another . My children were growing up and I was still in the same abusive relationship, but yet I still longed for the days when they were babies . Why was I feeling this way? I just couldn’t understand .
The female issues became so bad that I underwent a hysterectomy in my thirties and that was that; or was it really? If I had no womb to carry a child in; the longing for more children should go away shouldn’t it? Let me tell you from experience that it most certainly does not ” just go away”.
I wish that more women ( others to ); would talk about this stage in life. Some of us may be going through menopause and yet some of us aren’t there yet. The longing for children whether you are young or later in age never just ” goes away “. It may be silent for a time , but it’s never completely gone.
I don’t use the word blessed very often , but after reading your post that seems to be the only word that fits the way I’m feeling right now. Blessed to have been able to carry the three wonderful human beings I did . I so wish that everyone who wanted children would be just as blessed .
This stage of my life is different somehow. I see both my daughters’ bellies growing with life inside and I press my hand to feel what movement that life allows me at the moment. I look across the room at my beautiful grandsons and wonder why ” that” feeling is still there . Will it ever go away? Only time will tell …
Kristina
What a beautiful story. I have 2 beautiful children. A boy who is 8 and a girl who is 3. My husband and I decided together that we are done having babies. Our lives feel very balanced and we are beginning to settle into a great routine. We are very content with our small family of 4. While the decision was mutual, I too felt a sense of such loss. I loved being pregnant. Every day was full of anticipation and wonder. Every time the baby moved I felt like it was a gift.
I thought I was along with feeling this way. Thank you for making me see that I am not alone with this feeling. This stage in our lives is just that, a stage. We’ll get through it and find so many other “firsts” to look forward to.
Addie Barnett
We are not done for good, I hope, but this was still good for me today. We have previously been, not full fledged full-quiveres, but trusting God with our family planning, but right now I am in school and we don’t know where we’re going from here, and I had our first four, including the daughter we lost, in four years, and we decided to wait until I finish school. Now I am having baby girl fever, not to replace my Lucy, but because I am so past due wanting some more girl blood in my house full of boys, and this week I had to add another semester to the end of my degree and I am learning that trusting God enough to wait for his timing for our next baby is just as hard as trusting him to provide when we had one after the other. That’s probably an over share, but all to say, that I always am blessed by your posts on having grace for one another’s different places, but this was the first time I felt like I needed it so much.
Sara
I have seven children. I am 36 years old. I am done. I would have ten more if my body would bear it, but after four c-sections the doc says it would be dangerous to us both. I trust that God put people and healers in my life like my doctor to guide me in the right direction. My heart aches for more as my baby is almost 3. Maybe we will have more, but not from this body…..all doors are open for anything God sends our way. We have a lot of love to give in this family.
Andrea Austin
I weep for you sweet moms who have reached this place. All of you. So much sadness and concern but the best place for that is, indeed at the foot of the Cross. I wish I had your wisdom so many years ago and I thank you for sharing your precious hearts. I am long done having babies. I wish, however, I had known then what I know now. Thank you for having the babies that grow and that you entrust to me and others like me whose children are grown to teach and shepherd. Bring one, bring six, bring eight – we’ll be there to love you and them. Know I am praying for you as I wish someone had been praying for me.
Bethany
I turned 38 yesterday, I have 8 kids & 2 angels (including twin to the youngest), oldest will be 18 in 2 wks and youngest is 2 1/2. I have always known that I wanted more but, I was done after his birth. It was just a feeling, but I felt OK with him being the last. We were in a car accident when he was 4 months old and I had a broken back. I could barely walk for months. I nursed him, but had to prop on a pillow and someone had to pick him up and carry him to me. It all cemented that we made the right decision. He is now 2 1/2 and I am 15 wks pregnant. It was a shock because (short of either of us having surgery) we did all in our power to prevent a pregnancy. I have not told the kids yet. All will be thrilled except the oldest. She is almost 18 and going off to cooking school a few weeks after baby arrives (though she doesn’t know it yet). She will not be here to see it grow up, and will have no parts in helping to care for it, but thinks it is terribly embarrassing that her parents “still do it.” I have since learned that some meds my husband is taking increases fertility, so it’s no wonder our prevention failed because that is something that worked dangerously well for us anyway. I am excited, but am really enjoying the secret. My sister and best friend are the only ones who know. I do not get sick so my pregnancies are very easy. I really have a lot of back pain, but it is no worse yet than before I got pregnant. We did have the talk, many times, and always had another baby. This time, God decided for us. I know I will have many rude remarks when people find out, but we do not ask for financial help. Other people give us things sometimes because they think it isn’t fair when I say we can’t join them because we can’t afford. We have a lifestyle and we are happy. My kids go places and get things and are spoiled with more than they need. It will be different when baby gets here. I think I may enjoy the baby stage more because I know it will be the last, unless God plays joke #2, but I am content.
Erica
I have 3 sons from my first marriage. Married at 18 divorced at 23 due to domestic violence.
I remarried but my husband had a vesectomy in his first marriage, so we cant have a natural pregancy and cant afford a reversal or invetro.
Sometimes it hurts so bad I feel sick to my stomach. I can barely look at others newborns without bursting into tears. Im 27 and this is so far from what I imagined.
Im completely open to adoption but I suspect event then Ill ache, even if a little.
Michelle
My husband and I are done, also. I’m 44 and he’s 47. We have four beautiful children, ages 24 to 14, a son in law whom we adore and our next to oldest daughter is still in college and is engaged to be married to a wonderful young man in two years. It CAN be a very difficult to know “you’re done”. I had a hysterectomy four years ago due to uterine fibroids. It has really just started to hit me lately that there’ll be no more pregnancies or nursing babies. I am a nurse but ALWAYS made the decision, almond with my precious husband’s support, to be at home and raise our children. I DO NOT REGRET ONE MINUTE. That said, my children, thus far, have turned into responsible, beautiful, Christian young adults and teenagers, and I thank Jesus every day for those precious blessings. I know I’m ‘done’, but occasionally have a good cry over it.
Elizabeth
I wept as I read this. I have been very emotional since having a miscarriage a few months ago. I am going to be 40 in February. I have two beautiful boys, 2.5 and 4.5. My husband and I want to have two more. I am scared now after going through the pain, emotionally and physically, of a miscarriage. Thank you for the support of this post.
Sarah
We are done! We have three children ages 1,3, and 5. Our most recent was born very early for unknown reasons. When we got pregnant with him, we thought he would be our final baby, and his early arrival solidified it for us. I’m not sure my body could carry another baby to full term anyways. We have never completely ruled out adoption or foster care, but for now, our life is very full! I was actually kind of excited to get rid of my maternity clothes and some of the baby gear. I’m looking forward to the next chapter!
Lindsay
I have absolutely no idea if I’m done and the clock is ticking. I just turned 38 and have two beautiful, healthy boys, 7 (perfect, smart, independent) and 4 (very spirited, all boy). I wanted to try for another about 2 years ago, but my husband said he was done, which I respected. About 6 months ago my husband said he would like to have another (I thought he was joking). So now I’m torn…literally in less than one minute I go from yes to no. All the while I am open to adoption and/or foster (husband is not, and I respect that too). So if I want to care for more children I cannot figure out why I cannot make the decision. I think my biggest issue is that I’m older and will be worn out so much quicker, and that will take away from my 7 and 4 year old. Also, I feel like since they are older now we are just getting to a a place where life seems a little bit easier.
Anne
Thank you so much for writing this blog. My husband found it for me to read this morning… and I read it with understanding and thankfulness.
Rarely do you find someone in our day and age who is told, “I can’t have more kids. The doctor said I wouldn’t survive.” But, that is my case. My husband and I have three beautiful children ages 7, 11, and 12. It is curious how a yielded heart is able to pick up a dream and drop it in order to pick up another dream and maybe even drop that one for yet another one. That also seems to be my lot.
I always wanted to be an artist and a teacher growing up. Then I met my future husband at college. We courted, dreamed of life together and married. Our lives have been one of health trial after health trial taking us to the very ends of the best hospitals in the US. Despite this reality, and despite doctors’ predictions we have three wonderful kids.
But, that wasn’t our dream. Our dream was to have MANY kids. If I was to lay aside my professional aspirations, we wanted to have a big family, many “arrows in our quiver” as the Psalm goes. Still, God had other plans. After a very intense 9 months of constant supervision, weekly hospital admissions, and visits from not only the OBGYN but also a cardiologist and overseeing endocrinologist, I heard the words I never expected to hear: “You can’t have more kids. You may not survive.” And, with as hard as the last pregnancy was on my body, I knew God had placed this special doctor to tell me the truth.
So what does one do with that ache, especially as she finds herself in a church where the average number of kids is 5 and many of them have even more. Some have 10 or more. Homeschooling and co-op , frugal make-it-yourself-from scratch delicious meal making mamas, women able to make natural health concoctions rather than going to expensive specialists and out-of-town doctors–these are my sisters. I can’t relate anymore. This is the first year that all my babies are gone. They are at school and the wind howls outside as the cold November brazes the doors and windows of our little house. I am inside wondering what this day will hold and how this morning’s doctor visit will go, trying to give all things over to the Lordship of Christ, holding all things captive–even my chronic ailment.
But, God is pulling me out of the mire. He is rescuing me from the pit. I am His beloved and none of these things matter. Even though my heart twinges with ache over two dreams gone, He is showing me that I can have His dream–and it will be even more beautiful than any one I could conjure up for myself.
When the kids come home from school, I set a plate out of special food for them. I ask them about the details of their day. I delight in them. When correction needs to happen, I remember that I have the breasplate of righteousness about me and I do not need to be discouraged–even though the hours are so precious few with these gems–before they are off to bed and then off to school. I pick up a book and read to them for a few minutes in the evening before they fall asleep. We pray, and then we start again.
I am a bit brokenhearted that I am alone now in the day and my quiver is smaller than I ever anticipated. But, a sharp arrow is better than a thousand dull ones. And, God knows that were I to have more, I would not see His goodness the same way. Perhaps my children would not all be faithful.
So I must leave my ache aside and take up thanksgiving instead.
Glennda
My husband and I made the difficult decision that we were done after baby number 5 (technically 6 as we miscarried baby 5) and I had my tubes tied during my c-section. While I’m good with our decision and not secretly pining away for another baby, it is difficult to face the judgement for our decision. Most of the women I am around frequently are very much into natural/homebirth and very much against any form of birth control. Having to have 4 c-sections has already made be a target for judgement so I try to avoid throwing fuel on the fire. Consequently there are very few people whom I’ve actually told we are done. Most of the time I just answer “well see” when people ask :-\
Donna
Yes, we’re done. I had to have a hysterectomy – health issues. This article made me smile though. While we were having babies, people wouldn’t find it rude to say “so, are you FINALLY done having babies?” Somehow people thought our five were too many. To many for what? My youngest is now 15. My older children are in college or graduated from college and in the world doing good things. I can’t wait for grand babies. So proud of the mommies I see at the market or such with their crazy busy mommy worlds. I miss that so much.
Regina
Such a wonderful way to explain things! I had 4 children to term, and 2 miscarriages at 10 weeks. With nearly 10 years between my oldest and my youngest, and 30 creeping right around the corner, I knew I was done. My husband had a vasectomy while I was pregnant with our last one, and we were both content and comfortable with our decision. We had long before agreed that we wanted to have our children while we were young enough to keep up with them in those high-energy years! Now, I celebrate my 3 grandchildren, and wait patiently to see if there will be more in the coming years. And yes, there were times I sorely missed the experience of pregnancy, but that was balanced by the joys of watching my young ones grow up.
Sarah
My story is similar to others, but I still wanted to comment. Our oldest son is 4 1/2, and we have a 2 yr old boy, and a 1 yr old girl as well….our youngest are 11 months apart, and they are completely like twins! I love that we had them so close together! When our youngest was just 4 months old, our oldest who was 3 1/2 at the time, was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. He is doing really well right now, and is currently cancer free! My husband and I would like to have 1 more baby, because we just don’t feel like we’re done yet, but sometimes I feel really selfish about wanting another baby! I feel like now is a good time to start trying, because our oldest is just in the maintenance phase of his cancer treatment, but at the same time, something makes me worry that he could relapse, and then what will we do with a newborn on the way, and more treatment for our son? I know I just need to pray about it more, and trust what we decide is God’s will, but I’m just so afraid to add another baby, and then have to spend a ton of time away from him or her if my son has to go back into the hospital….it was really hard not seeing my two youngest for weeks at a time over the past year, and I don’t know if my heart can take much more of that! I guess I’m just wondering if anyone had been in a similar situation?
Sarah
I should also add that all 3 were c-sections, and the thought of a 4th c-section makes me slightly nervous as well….our youngest came almost a month early, and was in the nicu for 3 weeks because she was having trouble breathing the first day or two, and then after that she just didn’t want to eat.
Becky
I would love to have another, but my husband had a vasectomy after our twins were born (numbers 3 and 4). They are 3 1/2 and I still get teary eyed at the sight of babies, baby clothes and pics of mine when they were babies. This is a hard transition and I need to remember to pour my energy into the 4 I have instead of dreaming and longing for another that isn’t even a reality!
Sheila Hughes
I’m raising four precious children and had hoped for more, but content for where the Lord is leading me, and how far He has brought us. He continues to provide in so many ways. I really appreciate this post and the wisdom of all that is shared. If I may impart a bit of information for those who may be having fertility issues. There is a program through the Pope Paul VI Institute called NaproTechnology that can help in an ethical way, those who are having difficulty with their fertility. I know many who have been blessed by this program. Here is a link for more information: http://www.popepaulvi.com/ And, of course, it is open for all to benefit. God bless you, mommas!
Sarah
I love this article! We have two boys (1.5 and 3), and are getting tons of questions along the lines of “Are you going to have more? Are you going to try for a girl?” etc. And, as we’ve discussed it, I realized something horrible – if we were to try for another baby right now, my primary reason would be pressure that I “have to” in order to be a good Christian – and that is SO wrong.
Both my husband and I are seeking the Lord for our family size and do see children as an incredible blessing. At the same time, we don’t feel like anything is missing from our family, we don’t feel a sense of loss thinking about no more babies, and we certainly don’t feel like our boys aren’t enough without also having a girl. We are completely open to the Lord changing our minds at some point in the future, but until or unless that happens, we are perfectly content and at peace to say we are done with our two.
Emily
Wow! What a beautiful blog entry! And boy oh boy did I need to read it, TODAY! We, my husband, are finished having babies. We have 3 beautiful and amazing little boys. And hokey smokeys do they wear this Mama down to her core. Most nights I go to bed with a sink full of dishes, laundry overflowing and messy floors. And more often than not, I am in WAY over my head. However, in my heart, I feel like there is a little person missing from our crazy busy family. I have felt that way for more than a year now. My husband does not share this sentiment, at all. And that is OK, I think. It hurts and I pray that the Lord will help to heal my heart and put something else on my heart to help heal that void. I can’t help but believe that it will always be there, though. I LOVED being pregnant. I ADORED and TREASURED nursing. And I am HONORED that our Lord gave us the 3 amazing boys He did. The void hurts, though. We will not be able to have more babies unless the Lord steps in and gives us a surprise, as my husband as had a vasectomy, with me by his side. I stand by him and his wishes. My heart hurts. So, today, as many of my friends have just had a baby or found out that they are expecting, I am putting on my happy face (because I TRULY AM happy for them!!!)I am TRYING WITH ALL I HAVE, to go in grace and lay it all on the altar and TRUSTING HIM.
Kelly
My husband and I have had the talk about whether we are done and I think we have decided we are. We have 4 children ages 14 years, 12 years, 5 years and 19 months, 3 girls and 1 boy, and they take up much of our time and money. Financially we cannot afford another child and we also aren’t getting any younger. I will be 33 in January, my husband just turned 37 and we are both starting to feel the affects of age on our health. I was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease, affecting my thyroid, last year and almost every woman I have talked to who has the same disease has experienced at least one miscarriage. I have been blessed to never have had a miscarriage and I’d like to keep it that way. On top of that I was sick through my last two pregnancies, especially the last, and I am worried that I would only feel worse if I was to get pregnant again, especially with my auto-immune disease, and I would not enjoy my pregnancy they way I have in the past. I don’t feel that any woman has any place to judge any other woman on her family planning choices. I am currently on birth control and probably within the next 2 years my husband will have a vasectomy, which to some people maybe against God, but according to what we believe and our life situation is it was is best for us and our family and God will love us and be happy with our choice because this is not a decision we made on a whim. Everyone needs to do what is best for them and their situation and I don’t think God would ask anymore of us than that.
Melody
There are so many different ways to put our trust in God. Whether it is deciding when to start having children or to stop having children, we all have to trust that God will show us His desires for our family. Whether we have a large family or a small family is ultimately up to him. My husband and I have only been married a couple months and have decided to wait a while to start our family.We are eighteen and twenty years old trying to get me through college, and to manage the bit of money we do have. As much as I would love to have a baby right now, we don’t feel that we should be trying just yet. I suppose it’s the same way when deciding to not have more babies. The ache is there, but we have to do what is best at the time and remember to honor our husbands.
Crystal
Children are a very sensitive subject, and people can get nasty and defensive on all sides of the spectrum. I was one of eight kids, and people were always harrassing my parents about having such a big family. People were rude, mean, and unsupportive during her last three pregnancies. Now, my mom is very judgemental of people who choose smaller families. She wasn’t always like that, but she became that way in response to the cruelty of people who disagreed with her choices. So, whenever someone with a large family puts down people who choose smaller families, I always take her comments with a grain of salt. After all, she’s probably being harrassed for her big family.
Susan
Thank you for this blog. It’s good to know we are not alone in all of these feelings. I believe God has a plan for every one of us. Blessings to all 🙂
Evie
Yes. We are done. It is such a struggle, day after day. I had 1 son. Then dealt with secondary fertility for 6.5 years. At that point, we did decide to give God complete control over our fertility. When I then had 5 more children in 4.5 years (no twins!) my body could not handle more. So I thought. I had a non hormonal IUD in, and still got pregnant with baby number 7. It was a shock, but our youngest at the time has just turned 2, so it was ok. We got excited, thinking about another baby in the family. But at 1 week LATE! I was admitted for an emergency c-section. Our precious Benjamin Dean was stuck. He lived, on life support, only four days. The last 21 months have been the most agonizing time of my life. While I would be open to more children, medically, because of issues arising from the c-section, I am now unable to have more.
All that to say, I have been on every side of this issue, and not one side of it has an easy answer. You do what, at the time, you firmly believe is Gods will, and that is the best you can do.
Megan Taylor
((HUGS)) Prayed for you today. So sorry for the loss of your sweet child.
Lori P
At age 37 we were done having children whether I was okay with it or not because of having a hysterectomy. We lost one child almost 2 years before I had our daughter not without many issues and risks. We lost two more after her. With all of my female issues, infertility and secondary infertility I had the choice taken away from me. I wasn’t finished yet! My heart and soul cried out for those that I had lost and for those that I could no longer think about ever having. At 47 years old that ache for more children has lessoned, but never gone away completely.
Amee
I have had three miscarriages in the last 10 months and the desire to have more is there. However, I have unforeseen health issues that have made it to where I have no choice, but to be done. My body can not longer tolerate babies and rejects them. A part of me is very sad about it because it was not my choice and losing three is not the way I thought I would end motherhood.
I wish I had stopped with our third a beautiful home birth, but instead I gave birth at home, but to a dead baby. Not something I wish on any woman ever. So I am one of those mama’s who is done having babies, at least of her own….
Virginia Knowles
I was done after my 10th was born over nine years ago. I am in my 50’s now with multiple health issues related to being pregnant or nursing for 20 years straight. I also have several grandchildren who live nearby.
Rachel
This just left me feeling sad and with the aching struggle, still, to trust God with my long-deferred desire to be pregnant and have children. I am just 34, and wrestle to hear truth and promises above the ticking clock! We have had the heavy weight of infertility the entirety of our marriage. And with that, come difficult and complicated decisions about treatment and how far to go, just as I imagine on the other end of the spectrum those blessed to be fertile make hard decisions about when to stop. And it’s so easy to assume, to judge harshly, to speak without knowing any of the story behind the choice. I know from my longing perspective, it’s easy to say – ”You can, and not all of us have that joy. Why not just have babies if you are able to??”, yet that is not my place, just as I would ask others not to encourage us to turn to fertility treatments we’re not comfortable with or can’t afford without great debt.
So perhaps it’s a matter of perspective and season in life. I have to believe that mid-30s is young enough, should God answer my prayers and cries. For others, I suppose it seems ”old” and that one is flagging in energy…
For 6 months, I have been mama to two not of my womb, but deeply embedded in my heart, and we hope that the new year brings legal and official declaration that they are ours. From there, we hope to add more, and yes – I will be older. And my husband will too. And I will never be the young mama I have dreamed of since girlhood. Rather, I will experience the beyond-imagination plans of my Father, know deep joy even in trial, and trust for sufficient strength for the day even if I’m a mom of littles in my 40’s!
Thankful for all the voices and encouragement here.
Stacia
It can be difficult at times to decide you are finished having babies, my husband & I hadn’t decided one way or another when we found out number 7 was on her way, we were a yours mine & ours literally, I gave birth to 2 gained 4 more the day we married, & then we had our super is baby girl when I was 37. As we told our dear sweet doctor who is just a few years younger than me when he told us the papers we were signing were not etched in stone we could change our mids on closing shop on baby making “we love all of our children & most days we like them & we would like to keep it that way” you see the teenage years had begun.
In the end I loved the way my college religious Ed teacher put things after about 2 weeks of lively discussion in a preparing for marriage course. The decision of birth control & how large your family should be is between a wife, husband, & God, if it feels right to have 1 do that, if it feels right to have 10 great, just make sure you are comfortable mentally, emotionally, physically, & spiritually with the family you choose to have. At times you may want to adjust your original plan, finances change, your health may change drastically, & the children you have may need more care than originally anticipated. The spacing between children can affect your feelings & decisions so be open minded and flexible & enjoy every minute you possibly can, it helps a ton to remember all those sweet moments when that baby becomes a teen & is driving you up a wall & back!
On the really awesome bright side those older kids start giving you grand babies to love & spoil we have our first so I get to revisit all the fun baby stuff & pass on what I learned as a mom of newborns. I also get to play with a sweet baby settle her down if she is willing & when I am ready to go to bed hand her back to her sweet parents & sleep through the night!
Lisa M. @ Farm Fresh Adventures
Yes. Yes. Thank you! What a beautifully written article. We have dealt with secondary, tiriary, ect infertility. Our first pregnancy happened so quickly–3rd month of trying. We waited a 2 years before actively trying again. and waited. and waited. 14 months later double pink lines! So happy! Made it into my 2nd trimester. Loved my belly. then in a routine checkup–no heartbeat. My body didn’t even try to process a miscarriage and I had to have a D&C which ended with me losing a lot of blood. that was so hard. So incredibly hard. But God got me through and 6 months later we were blessed with double pink lines again–the very weekend I would have given birth. This time I carried my second son like a breeze. Such a great pregnancy! But because of our issues between he and his brother, we decided to start trying for our third (and final–we were in agreement) when he was just 4 months old. And we waited. And waited. And waited. 18 months later (September 2012)–double pink lines! Cautious excitement. That ended at 7 weeks. And oh how I prayed to God. I had this burning desire for another baby. I saw myself with a little girl to be the caboose in our family. And in that moment–I gave it up. I gave it back to God–who was in control from the beginning. And I accepted that I would take whatever His plans were for us.
But we never stopped hoping…flashforward to April 2014. Suddenly I’m visiting my doctor for pressure in my abdomen. “You are pregnant”. But I can’t be! I just had my period! Within 24 hours I was in the ER and ended up with emergency surgery for a severely leaking ectopic pregnancy. A pregnancy that shouldn’t have even existed in the first place. Another big “no”…and this time I decrease my chances with the mandatory removal of my Fallopian tube. But my OB assured me that everything else looked great and she saw no reason why I couldn’t have more babies.
But funny thing. After this unexpected “surprise you are pregnant even though you shouldn’t be and now you have to have emergency surgery because you are in a life threatening situation…”–my husband and I are both finally at peace with the idea that our baby days are over. Our boys are incredible. So healthy and strong…so thankful for them considering I lost three. Neither my husband nor I have the desire to be “baby” parents in our 40’s.
And yet……there is still that little piece of my heart that longs for just one more…and so while we are considering our baby days over…we are not going to do anything permanent right now. So who knows…?
One the plus side–we can do so much more as a family with boys of 8 and 4. Summer camps. Greater service by us both in our local congregation. Weekend getaways w/o packing the kitchen sinks worth of baby paraphernalia.
And yet…we’d give it all up in an instant if we saw those double pink lines again…
So I’m ready…but I’m not. And I’m okay with that.
Anna @ Feminine Adventures
Erin, this has got to be my favorite post that I’ve read this year anywhere in blog-land. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your heart.
My husband and I are both the oldest in large families. My mom had my youngest sister when I was four months pregnant with my first. I presumptuously thought that since she was over forty and her biggest struggle was low iron, my young and healthy body would have no trouble at all.
Boy was I wrong. After a 36 hour labor, I had a placenta acreta, and hemorrhaged so badly I needed 8 units of blood (and they still could hardly have a pulse.) We were told I might never conceive again. They were wrong. We had two more healthy pregnancies, but after our youngest’s birth nearly died again.
I feel SO incredibly blessed to have four healthy children, but still it’s hard to think of this chapter closing. I love what you said about walking into the next season with gratitude.
Thank you, Erin. <3
Lisa
We have three children and hope for a fourth. This question is constantly on my mind right now as we have talked about being done after four. It is such a big decision and more complicated when you have people you greatly respect in both camps. Thank you so much for sharing your heart and being vulnerable to offer your perspective on such a sensitive topic.
Shanaya
I think that having a baby is a wonderful thing and i really cherished the experience of being a mother, but once i wanted to go back to my normal life i realised, that i can’t afford to invest another 2-3 years of my life once again… So i guess i knew i was done, after 2 years of giving birth of my wonderful boy.
Carrie
Thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart for this.
Chicky
This was a lovely post, full of bittersweet joy. What I fail to understand is how Christian women, especially, can even think about judging other women for their family planning choices, whether it’s one, two, more, or in my case, none.
What’s right for me isn’t right for all moms. I am fine with that. What’s right for them isn’t necessarily right for me, and I wish people would respect that. I had a lady in church just grill me about when I was going to have children. I tried to be polite, but I finally had to say, “Look. I’m not having kids. I don’t need kids.” She was the picture of shock and horrified indignation, but I was severely ticked off and past caring. I was 35, a grown woman and it seriously wasn’t any of her business. So she got the blunt answer.
I’ve seen none of that attitude here, thank goodness. I often tell myself that sometimes, the most Christlike thing I can do is keep my opinions to myself. As another poster noted, what a woman decides about her family is between her, her husband and the Lord. Period. God bless you all!
Beth
I don’t know if I am done yet. I am reading so many stories of struggle over difficulty carrying and/or conceiving. I never had those problems. I got pregnant with my 1st young and though he was premature he was overall very healthy. My second was a few years later with no problems. My next one was 12 years later but that was a choice too. I’ve been struggling with health issues since her birth and I don’t know if carrying is something I can do now. I’ve been seeing specialist to get answers and they are coming. I pray about it. I just don’t know at this point.
Beth
Reading this post and the comments have reminded me that we are not alone. I always wanted to have at least half a dozen little ones running around. However, that was not God’s plan. I have several health issues. I had ten surgeries in eight years. One of the last surgeries was a hysterectomy. It was a surgery needed to save my life. I was only 26 and had two beautiful children and an amazing husband. I didn’t want to leave them if I could help it. That was three years ago. I still struggle. I feel guilty because I have two wonderful children, and yet I sometimes yearn for more! Every so often, a friend who has several children will make offhand comments about us “only having two,” and it breaks my heart. I think above all, we need to love one another. Communities like this one, where we can come together, share in our heartbreaks and joys, are wonderful tools! Thank you for your wonderful posts! Also, thank you to all of the women sharing their stories. God Bless you all!
Enola
I have a fantastic, 4 year old daughter that I love more than anything. I always said I wanted 2 kids. Birth one and adopt one. Once she was here, I wanted another so very badly. When she was a year and a half I got blood clots in my lungs. Man oh man did that hurt. But my cardiologist told me he didn’t want me having any more. I cried and cried. By obgyn looked at me and said “do you want her to have a sibling or a mother” This really put things into perspective for me. As much as I long for a newborn and the wonderfulness that is pregnancy, I accept that I cannot have anymore children. Hopefully, one day, we can adopt that special child that needs someone to love him.
Melinda
I thought I was done after my second, but then I felt a stirring to have another one. After a year and a half of trying, I didn’t even realize that there was such a thing as “secondary infertility.” I just thought God was telling me we needed to take better care of the ones we have. My heart aches, but I am trying to trust God in this.
Nancy Holte
There is so much I could say here but I’ll stick with my personal experience. When I was pregnant with our third baby boy I said, “Never again, I’m done.” But then he was born and right away I talked to my midwife about action plans for the future since we lived an hour from the hospital and my labor and delivery had all happened in about two hours with that child. But we never had a fourth and when I turned 37 I realized that we wouldn’t. I cried for days mourning the loss of those “new baby” years. But I knew it was right. And now I realize it even more so. You see, I’m 59 and Nana to four beautiful children under the age of 4. I love being a Nana, but quite honestly, it can be exhausting. I do not want to miss out on the fun with my grandchildren because I am too old to keep up. If I’d had another baby when I was 37 and that baby waited until he/she was 37 to have his/her baby, I would be 74 with newborn grandchildren and I don’t think I could bring my full “Nana party” to the table. So yes, it’s hard to stop the baby making, but it’s a good thing, too. (I know this is long. I could write a whole blog series on this subject!) 🙂
Evie
Aw! I love this 🙂 you see, my parents have adopted 14 of their 15 children. Yes, that is wonderful. I know that. And they don’t get the ugly comments either! But. My Mom is 63. I have 1 older sister. She is almost 39. I am almost 38. And my youngest sister (adopted) is almost 8. Their has never been a day in the last 19.5 years of being grandparents, that my parents have actually been “grandparents”. I know that sounds selfish, but it’s the truth. At some point, you have to realize it’s not about you. It’s about those around you, too. That is one major reason, other than medically, that I am done. My son is 17. I want to be a grandma to his kids someday. My youngest is 4.5 and this is a good thing. Time to look to the future 🙂
Sarah
Thank you so much for this blog post and also for all those who left comments! Many of you have encouraged me. Also, it helps to know that I am not alone in this. I have a beautiful 6 year old girl and sweet 2 year old boy. When my sorn was a year old, we got pregnant, but that pregnancy only went to 9 weeks and was followed by 2 D&C’s last fall. I just found out that I have stage 3 endometriosis a couple months ago. My doctor is encouraging that we still might have another baby, but I do have endo pretty bad and have had a couple chemical pregnancies this year. What once seemed so easy (We always got pregnant right away.) is not anymore! I am sad, but yet doing my best to enjoy the 2 precious blessings God has given me. I definitely have the ache for another baby. It is in God’s hands though and not mine. I’m learning to give this up to Him and His control.
Sarah
Also, have to add that this is one of the hardest things that my husband and I have ever had to walk through! So, I really feel for all those going through this – miscarriage/secondary infertility/infertility. I don’t know that we are officially done having babies, but I know it is a possibility and it makes me very sad. One thing I’ve noticed in our American culture is a huge amount of materialism that has crept into our hearts even in Christian families. When I see some moms like Mrs. Dugger, I see that she is happy not in material things, but in her children (eternal souls). She has an eye on eternity and what matters to the Lord. That’s what I want to aim for regardless of how many children I have.
Kimmy
I am 36 and have 7 children from age 20 mos. up to 19 years, and I have had 5 miscarriages. Our last delivery did not go smoothly. My husband did not want more children and I was very shaken after a horrible delivery(baby’s head was facing a hip and he got stuck trying to turn) so I had the Essure procedure done, unfortunately now we are really regretting it and here in Canada there is no chance for reversal that I am aware of. As our last is growing out of the baby stage and into the toddler stage it is funny how knowing he will be the last of my own – I tend to dwell on the lasts instead of his firsts which have happened. Soon it will be… the big boy bed he can get into without help (no more cribs), the last time he needs me to tell others what he is trying to say. These feelings could be also due to my 2 oldest kids leaving to be on their own. I found the outfit the baby came home in from the hospital just 20 mos. ago and had a moment knowing that there will not be another little one coming home, it made me feel empty. So my words to everyone are please make sure the choice you make is the right one for you. If I could go back, I would have never gotten Essure done!! I am blessed to have healthy children, and did not know how blessed I was to have a choice. Babies are such a miraculous gift, to be able to grow a human being and then give that little heart all it needs wow it is special…
Brooke
Thank you for so eloquently writing what i feel. My husband and I have 3 children I’ve been pregnant 7 times. My firstborn is a 6yo spunky active smart boy who is a tester beyond. My 4.5yo is my little diva who acts like she is 16 already, and my last is a turning two in 4 short months. I have baby fever SO BADLY but my husband is adamant about being done. I pray for the day his heart changes tune. We are both young (I am 32 he is 35). We struggle financially. We are the low/middle class so we make too much for any public assistance, but make too little to actually survive 🙁 I know that god always works things out that the money comes in one way or another, and we have seen that time and time again, but he struggles with faith. We don’t have a good support network so we go it alone with all 3. I am heartbroken to know I will never hold another in my womb. I am trying daily to just pray for my husbands heart to change, or for my heart to know we are good where we are at.
Thank you for writing this. It’s truly a very well thought out piece.
Sakura
I’m 45 now and we are done. I had to have a partial hysterectomy last December and even though I knew then we were done the finite aspect of the surgery was still very emotional. I stumbled onto this post today, and I’m still brought to tears. We have kids age 21, 18 and 10. Our last pregnancy took almost 2 1/2 years from the decision to start to birth. With each pregnancy my body struggled to keep the baby to term, my youngest was born 6 weeks early. He lived in NICU for 2 1/2 weeks and we brought him home on Easter Sunday 2004. My husband knew then we were done but I always hoped for another. Now, looking back we were given the children when we could take care of them, we are blessed. I have a girlfriend who is 34 and ready to have her first child in December. I am so grateful that she is sharing so much of her daily experiences with me, we’ve grown close and I can’t wait to meet her daughter. She’s not sure what’s next, her age is a factor, but I just told her to forget about it and enjoy Lily when she gets here.
Emily
Thank you for this post. I’ve been praying about this since the birth of our third baby in July. My son just turned 4 and daughter turned 2. It’s been weighing on me and my husband if we are really done. Three children in less than 4 years is hard on a marriage. It’s been hard on my body. After my youngest was born we had a scare when I almost prolapsed. It was terrifying to lay there on the bed in the hospital surrounded by nurses and doctors (following a glorious natural delivery) not knowing if I was dying or if this meant I was done experiencing birth. I don’t feel done. I don’t feel complete. I want to have more but with so many things I’m not sure if I can even handle another. I know God will lead me and my husband in the direction He has chosen for our lives, I’m just not hearing or seeing what that plan is. Maybe the business of life is making hearing and seeing His signs too difficult. I’m not sure, but I do know I’m not done, not yet, maybe in a year when baby is older I will know.
Leah
We have 6 beautiful children. Even before I was pregnant with our last I knew we would be done after she was born. My body was done. I was stretched, and tired. I’m glad to have a big family, and I’m glad to be done. It still hurts, my body longs to be pregnant but I know that this is right.
Rita
I knew I was finished when my daughter 9 1/2 and I was judged harshly for my decision because I was not married. Sometimes I feel I was judged more for following my gut feeling about no more children than actually having a child out of marriage. I had went over the pros and cons of only having one child for 3 years so it wasn’t a decision that I took lightly. It was a choice and it was the best one for me…I do not regret my decision at all. I respect any woman’s decisions on the number of children they want to have, including zero. My heart breaks for women who can’t have the number of children they want. It’s such a huge part of who we are. (((Hugs))) to all of you.
Rebecca erdman
My 6th baby is 4 months old and I’ve started giving away his outgrown infant clothes. I’ve given away some of the maternity clothes. I am so sad over not having any more, yet I feel that I can’t handle even one more second of added stress. My oldest is 9. I just wish my body and my heart could agree. I’m wiped out. 10 years straight of nursing and or pregnant without a break. I cry over the thought of being done and wonder what is wrong with me? Why can’t I accept the 6 I have and not long for more?
Ruth
It’s you have 6 freaking kids. Be grateful. Sorry I guess I don’t understand why women with so many children blessed whine and complain about aching for more.
Lori
I was reading so many comments and I think there are some of us who will always want another one, I’m a mom of 6, and a grandmother of 7, but I still wish I could do it over now, especially with all that I have learned over the years, and for the last year and a half I’ve helped my son raise 3 of my grandchildren, while their mom was working with CPS to be able to be reunified with the family, which will actually be happening tomorrow, and due to the fact that there are continual conflicts between me and her, (she has a diagnosed personality disorder), and tends to be very angry at me for having stepped in to help keep the children from being put up for adoption, (they had been in foster care for 2 years prior to this), it just part of her mental illness I’m told, but to keep things short I will be moving out in a little over a week, and it hurts I’ve never done the empty nest thing well, but now this makes going back to it harder, I loved being able to help mold these 3 kiddos into, very different children than what they were when they got home from foster care, I’m very happy that they will have their mom back and that she has made changes to be a better parent, but I also know that due to her mental health issues, the time I get to spend with these kiddos will be very limited. But there are some of us who will always long to have another one, I think of Michelle Duggar who has 19, and still longs for more.
Tracy
I had always imagined I would have 4 or 5. I had my first & turned 40 a month later. It was a good pregnancy, delivery & recovery. I bounced back well. The first year of my daughter’s life was wonderful. I thought that I could handle more in spite of my age. I had my 2nd 20 months later. Everything was different about that one, but not terrible enough to keep me from doing it again. I didn’t bounce back, though. I was dead tired all the time. My daughter’s behavior got worse & she had bloody noses all the time – my son had eczema & was prone to respiratory trouble. Both were sick. All. The. Time. We have had a long journey with food & gut issues, but progress has been made. Unfortunately, this year my own health crashed. High cortisol levels, low thyroid, struggling with gut issues. I am now going on 45. I just don’t have it in me to put my body through a pregnancy & risk problems with another child. I have started to part with some maternity clothes & baby stuff. I get the motivation to do it, but when I start going through the totes, I end up crying & quitting. We tried for 6 years for our 1st, so I know how blessed we are. We have 2 and that is more than some are able to ever have. I know this, and I know God is sovereign, but it’s still hard.
R.
I find this article to be sad. Sad because women feel that after 35, they are old and no longer can or should have babies. I am 42 and expecting baby #12. I don’t think of myself as old, rather more mature, having more wisdom in child rearing. I really believe that when the Lord is done using me to bring new life into the world, he will give me a peace of being done. Ladies, please don’t let the world tell you that after 35 you are to old to have babies… after all look how old Sarah was when God sent her a baby 🙂
Virginia Knowles
R, each mom is different. I had my 10th and last baby a month before I turned 42. All were healthy at birth. All of the births were relatively uncomplicated. Others are not so fortunate. As I mentioned in my other comment, nine years later, I realize that so many of the health problems and family issues that I have experienced are pretty directly related to 20 years of nearly non-stop childbearing and nursing. To be honest, it was and is much harder to be the mom that I should have been. I know that my children have suffered for it, too.
It is up to each woman to count the cost and decide if it is worth it to her. No one else can make the decision for her. I believe this is akin to the Scripture on giving – the Lord wants only what we can do with a willing heart, not under compulsion.
Stacie
I agree. I don’t find 35 to be old at all. My oldest is just about 12 and I’m not quite ready to think about grandbabies. My youngest is 8 months, and God has blessed us with 6, and I want whatever God has for me, whether that means the 6 we have or 6 more…
Ann
Adoption is not an easy process and certainly not for everyone. However, I wonder if the longing God has placed in some of these ladies’ hearts for another child could open the door to exploring adoption? Just a side note, it is probably not a good idea to refer to biological children as “natural children” when talking with families that have adopted.
Tiffany
Thank you wide variety of mamas for your words of encouragement and grace. I send prayers to those who struggle, as my heart grows heavy for your losses and hopes.
I have 4 beautiful babies. My oldest, 4 years old when my littlest Lily was born. He is now 5, twins that are 2.5, and Lily is 1. I am praying for Gods answers these days and struggling with whether or not we are going to have another one or be “done”. I too have trouble giving up the baby items and thinking of all of the life memories that come with the special little outfits or feeling the little kicks under those maternity tops. Some day we will know. 🙂
Angie
Are we ever truly ready to give up having babies? And that sweet mother child bond?
After I gave birth to my now 5 year old and suffered severe post pardum, I decided it was time to hang up the towel. She was my fifth childbirth but 8th in the family of children (his, hers & ours).
Although I am done, that longing & urge is still there every time I hold a baby or get near one.
Susie
I’m 52 years old and still struggle with whether or not I’m done. I have been blessed with 9 children and my ‘baby’ turns 11 today (he was born when I was 41)… I thought I was done – emotionally prepared to be oh-so-done – after he was born, but over the years I find my heart longing again…
Would you believe I actually struggle every time one of my precious daughters-in-law announce a pregnancy (one just announced over Christmas). Not jealousy – I’m actually SO excited to be a grammy again (for the 11th time). Just that underscoring of the fact that I will most likely never again experience the miraculous beauty of that season of life.
But there’s always the possibility…
Pepper
The ache has never left me. My children are 21, 18 and 15. I was very young having children (16, 18 and 21 when they were born.) I’m 37 now.
My second child was born with spina bifida. When I got pregnant with the third my ex husband and doctor talked about sterilization. Since I had to have the second and third c-section and I was basically raising my children by myself I agreed.
Years later after being a single mom for 10 years I remarried at the age of 32. Still child barring age. Not a day goes by that I don’t have that ache for more. I feel I probably will until menopause and I know it’s truly over for me.
My oldest is even married and ready to make me a grandmother and still I ache for the miracle of life within my own body. I have so many health problems and a pregnancy would probably be very physically uncomfortable for me and yet I still ache.
My heart and my body knows it was suppose to have more children. But I ruined my body long ago with a bad decision made by two kids.
In some ways I feel that bad decision was meant to be. I don’t know how I would have raised more than three by myself. Three was a struggle enough some days. The resolution of my first marriage was unavoidable for the well being of us all, including my children’s father.
Now that I’ve been remarried for 4 and a half years I am mournful. My high school friends are having kids. Some just starting, some having that empty nest baby.
My point to all this, leave it to God. And trust that He will make the right decision for you. Do not ache over your natural instinct of reproduction because whether you can or should, your body will always ache until it knows it no longer can. The ache is natural. God made us to bare children. To raise them to be good, loving serving people, to love Him. We just have to trust in Him our reproductive triumphs. What is meant to be will be.
But I don’t know if my own ache will ever go away. Maybe when I hold that first grandchild and am once again giving the promise of being apart of raising another child to the grace of God. And my heart swells with the hope of once again feeling the perfect and great love of a child giving by God.
P.S. I have spent years asking God for forgiveness for having my tubal ligation and making a decision to alter my body. That is my own heartache to bare. I shared my story because I feel that both time and ability does not stop the baby ache. I’ve known for 15 years I couldn’t have anymore and yet I still ache everyday.
Katy A.
My *baby* is 9. I am 33 and so thankful for my three beautiful children. It hurts though, terribly, knowing we are done. My husband says three children are what we can afford and that he feels we are done. I ache all the time knowing that I will never carry another child in my womb. Pregnancy was difficult for me and not fun at all…but I would definitely do it again if I could. Thank you for this post and I must admit, it helps to know I am not the only one with this ache (will it ever go away, I wonder?).
Janet
I love this post. I married a man who, through a previous marriage, has twin boys (who I absolutely adore, and who live out of state during the school year with their mother). Together he and I have had one girl and one boy who are now four years old and 19 months old respectively. I always thought I would be “done” after having two of my own, but to my surprise, after my second turned one I started to feel that I was meant to have three of my own. Sometimes I watch my two play and imagine that a third child is meant to play with them. My husband and I do not feel that we are meant to have five children all together, although he had said that if I wish to have another he would support me. Most of me realizes that I am more sad over just the thought of admitting that I am done being pregnant (which I loved) and having a new sweet human to raise to serve Him. It is always so encouraging to read thoughts from other women who are or have faced this decision and decided that they, too, have completed their family. Reading your post has reminded me that I need to pray more about my feelings and leave it to God to help me wih my sadness. After all, He gave me the two most precious beings I could have ever asked for, and they certainly fill my heart.
Kirsten Mia
I lift you up for peace and healing. You write from your heart and you brought out many emotions in me. I have not given birth to a baby in 24 years. When my “baby” was young my husband had a vasectomy and I mourned the loss of the babies I would never give birth to. Sometime decisions are the best because that husband could not follow through in the marriage. When my “baby” was 15 and I was remarried I rejoiced to find I was pregnant once again and devastated 14 weeks later when the pregnancy ended. Then much to our emotional devastation we found out that “baby” was also expecting. We have raised that baby from birth and his sister too, we also have adopted a little boy who is autistic. Here we are, eight years from that time and I have finally decided I am “Done”… this little 4 year old girl is the last baby I will raise. I have, finally, given away all the baby clothes, all the furniture and infant toys. I cherish all the childhood days we have but the “baby” days are past and have gone gently away and I do not mourn any longer. Time to go play with these three kids!
Kelly
Thank you for sharing this post! It made me cry because I am having a difficult time accepting if it is God’s will that we do not have anymore children. We have two beautiful and healthy children but, we were trying for a third. I am now 42 years old with some health issues and in the last year I have suffered two miscarriages. I am devastated by this loss. I keep seeing the images of the ultrasounds in my mind and my heart aches and breaks for the children that could have been part of our lives. With the second miscarriage I was possibly carrying twins. It hurts so much. I had the miscarriages naturally. My husband and I would love to have another child and we aren’t doing anything to prevent it and have the thought that if it is God’s will then it is God’s will but, I am afraid to get pregnant again. I am not sure if we should, if I can handle another loss? I am afraid of the higher risk for illnesses and diseases. More so now because of everyone else’s concern. I never felt this with my other two children, one born when I was 38 and the other when I was 40. I pray for God’s guidance and peace with this even though I still long for another child. It felt good to write this even if nobody reads it. God bless you.
Tara
We are in a similar boat. We have four children on earth and tried for a fifth, but lost our last two pregnancies to miscarriage. It is hard to grieve the loss of babies and possibly the loss of not having another. Prayers for you!
Kristi Goldsberry
I *think* I am done…35 years old and 5 babies, youngest is 19 months. Feeling like we are probably done and it’s such a hard chapter for me to definitively close! Thanks for blogging on the subject.
Amy
My baby is 6 and since he was born I have had 5 miscarriages. I love my three boys dearly and am finally coming to terms with this being my family…. but it’s tough to have people continue to ask if we will ‘try for a girl’. That really hurts. Sometimes they ask AFTER I tell them I’ve had recurrent miscarriages! I feel like saying maybe I have five daughters in heaven! It’s all about empathy I think. Before you ask a question or judge someone you’ve got to imagine walking in their shoes. You just never know what another person is going through or has been through.
KC
I know this couldn’t be your intention, but I have to say this post hurt my feelings. I know you are just expressing your own difficult feelings which perhaps ping us in own sensitive spots. However, it seems insensitive to be mourning the end of your childbearing years at 34. When I first clicked on the post I thought it would have been from an older mom. I know those are your thoughts now, but there are healthy births even in some womens’ 40’s. I know you weren’t endorsing the “advanced maternal age” label or the “no healthy babies after 35” blatantly. And yet you were inadvertently giving credence to those beliefs even bringing it up in your discussion of why you might be done. I am 35 and haven’t started yet due to marrying late, a medically necessary surgery that required 2 years of preparation and recovery, a move which we still have not recovered from financially or work wise, etc. I know others could point their fingers and say I could have made it work but I appreciate that people recognize it is our decision, and we have done the best we can. And we look to my grandmother in law and his sister who were born in their mom’s late 30’s or early 40’s. We look to my sisters born in my mom’s late 30’s. My mom’s friend who had her first in her 40’s. My two cousin in laws born in their mom’s late 30’s. And on and on… All healthy… We cannot live our lives ruled by fear but have to have faith. Yes, there might be greater risk but the reality is even young mom’s have complications or unhealthy babies sometimes. I cling to the faith that if it is God’s will I can still have a healthy baby after 35.
Jennifer
we currently have one boy aged 3 and we get asked alot when are we going to have another. we are done. after a long struggle with PPD and other issues we decided it was for the best. it wasn’t an easy decision and we’ve upset many a friend and family member.
Katherine
A thought that dwells under the surface for so many women, we are created to nurture and love. Our first son was a difficult pregnancy who we almost lost soon after conception and at birth. During a difficult delivery that resulted in emergency C-section I went into respiratory arrest. The flow on effect of infection and recovery went on for years, but God I felt called for another. You know it’s Him when the call He places on your heart makes your knuckles white. I trusted Him and we soon had our second beautiful boy. Unfortunately there where issues with premature labor and our beautiful boy was deaf with undiagnosed Asperger’s. Through diet and miracles he no longer needed hearing aids by 7 and by high school was a normal teenager. The journey had to be God to go from a boy who couldn’t speak or hear to today.
Then God kept ebbing at my heart when our second was 2 and in the midst of chaos. I love my children so much but fear of how much worse it could be, Lord I have no family support, what are you thinking??? Five years He woed me, spoke to me and gave me promises of His Love and Faithfulness. Where it took but a thought to conceive our first 2, my ‘promise’ left me as a mother in desperate waiting like Hannah. Lord I am listening and ready. I finally decided I would no longer pursue after my 35th birthday, the line in the sand. You may be God but my flesh is broken.
The Wednesday, a week before my birthday I conceived our promise. It was my best pregnancy, till I feel down the stairs at the end and fractured my ankle, delivered in a cast up to my knee. But he was the most placid easygoing baby.
We lost Joseph on a Wednesday morning to SUDEP at 7 years, 7 months and 7 days. Every one of those days I thanked God for my full house and my journey of promise. The morning Joseph died I woke to a very real dream of Joseph in front of this brilliant light and the presence of God was so heavy and real. Three hours later I found him, and that he had chosen heaven. God never left, He was more present than ever but I felt robbed and betrayed as a mother.
‘A Mother to many’, He does not just call us to nurture and love those that He places in our womb and our arms but to the ‘many’ because they are all His children and are created to be loved.
As for the other side of ‘birth’, it was a violent adjustment but He has not left me even when I can’t ‘feel’ Him, He sends messages and I am not alone and He has sent so many that need to be loved.
Samantha
I found this post very interesting. I am 27 and currently 36 weeks pregnant with my 3rd baby. I will soon have 3 under 3.5 years which is really uncommon where I live (Sydney, Australia) and I get a lot nasty comments from strangers and also negative attitude from family and friends. A lot of people ask how I am going to ‘cope’ and tell me they feel sorry for me. I personally don’t think God would give me more than I can handle although some days I do doubt my own strength. I know definitely that I do not want any more children but I now need to decide about contraception as we seem to be highly fertile…or do I leave it up to God to decide if I am to have more children when I am 100% confident as a family and as a couple that we are done.
Erin
I’m so sorry you get negative attitudes from strangers, Samantha! I would pray about it and see what the Lord speaks to your heart. We do not use hormonal birth control–for a variety of reasons, but one being that I feel it can be dangerous. Look into LadyComp. It’s a really nice fertility monitor. CONGRATS on your 3rd pregnancy! My 3 came within 4 years, and I wouldn’t have it any other way!
Freya
I dont want to be done. I have 4. I have schizophrenia, depression and an eating disorder. I also get very bad 9 month long morning sickness which is debilitating to the point where I am bed ridden half the day. My mom only wanted me to have 2. But I had 3, then coaxed her into accepting my needing another. Now I fear my parents will not be happy if I got pregnant again, and I cant get around it because we live with them. I have thought that if I move out and we hire a nanny we could manage it. My schizophrenia is medicated and stable. But I am a huge believer in large families, which hurts me to the core knowing that I need help raising my children and while I am pregnant. I feel longing when I see large families so much that it hurts. I believe my husband will cooperate with what ever I decide. But to convince my parents, who help so much is the difficult part. Please no negative responses, I am a good mother.
Erin
I’m so sorry, Freya. It sounds like you love your babies so much and are a great mother. I hope you are able to feel peace about whichever way things end up soon. Have a great day!
Jen
Definitely not the most difficult season of transition in my life. I have three children 5 to 25 and by far the hardest time for me is when your babies become adults…..
Erin
Thanks for the perspective, Jen!
Wendy
The decision of having another baby has been weighing on me since we had our third son last June. I always wanted a big family and I’m extremely happy with my 3 boys. They Are a handful but I love them so much. my youngest is 7 months old. Our other two boys are four and a half and three years old. It’s a trying time as my husband is an over the road truck driver. I know right now we are meant to have another baby. I hold out with the hopes that maybe in a few years we can have another but I’m 32 right now. I struggle with the fact that I’m getting older and knowing that in a few years it may not be an ideal situation for us to have another.
The part you had about the maternity clothes got me , as well as the part about getting healthy. I have so many memories wearing those clothes. God’s will will prevail and I know someday IF we are meant to have more babies.
Erin
I feel like we are in a very similar season, Wendy! So hard!
Amy Matheus
I’m still not settled on being done. The ache never went away, I pretended to myself that I felt done. I acknowledged Gods genial reminder I was no longer healthy enough. Our first Grandson was just born on my 45th birthday this year. The second grandson due in weeks. I still don’t feel done with babies of my own. Three children were the perfect number for our family. Thankfully my husband and I agreed to that, because he has been kind, in reminding me, of my health. He felt to old for more children when I started questioning. I wish I had been as sure.
Erin
Congrats on the grand babies, Amy–and thanks for sharing your story and heart!
Tiffany
We are expecting our fourth child in just a few weeks. None of our pregnancies were planned. In fact, three of them were conceived while on birth control. We have no doubt that God planned these babies and laughed at our futile efforts to “plan.” I am so thankful for God blessing us in ways we didn’t know we needed and for the promises that came from Him with each child. As I sit here, huge, waiting for this sweet little boy to join the rest of us on the outside, I can begin to feel the ache. The ache that I know will only get stronger as time passes and as our friends begin to announce their own growing families. We know we’re done. (Again with OUR plans!) We talk about permanent solutions but it hurts my heart. I just don’t know how to close this chapter and move on to the next one. On one hand, it is so hard to know that we will never again experience the words “I’m pregnant!” again or feel the kicks and wiggles in my belly or to endure labor together or smell that new baby scent. But I also know that part of being a great mother is to grow with my children, with my family… I can’t always be the mom with a new baby. I pray for God’s guidance, grace, and peace as we make this transition because my heart just wants to cry and laugh all at once.
Erin
Congrats on baby #4, and know you are not alone in this ache!!
Lacreatia ezell
I made the decision after 3 kids that I didn’t want anymore, but 9 yrs later I really want a baby. At the age of 35 and after having a tubal ligation procedure done I am really trying to get the money to have the reversal done but it costs a lot and I don’t have much time being middle aged. I really nd help please.
Erin
Oh I hope you can get this surgery done! 🙁
Ashley Mullen
I knew I was done having babies when I was pregnant with number 3. Girl or boy, no matter what it was my last pregnancy.
My family is complete. I don’t feel that squeeze in my uterus anymore when I see a new baby or hear someone is pregnant. Not like I did after having my first two.
Now I get to enjoy watches my babies grow up and experience all life has to offer.
Erin
That’s a great perspective!
Jennifer
I knew I was done…. I had secondary infertility and my last 2 were very hard to conceive. When my last, number 4, was born I was 39. My last 2 pregnancies were very hard on my body. I was approaching 40, I had 4 kids 2 of each sex and the thought of having more into my 40’s was not appealing. We felt our family was complete. Today I have been a stay at home Mom for 20 years and my youngest will turn 5 this summer. I am finally going to get to go back to school and start a new season in life. There is no doubt this was the right decision for our family. I have no regrets. We have also said that if we want more children, there are plenty of amazing kids in Foster Homes who need forever families.
Trena Quesenberry
I just wrote an article myself recently talking about this very subject. I have three, with my baby just having turned one. I thought we were done, and I was happy to say that at the time, but now that familiar longing is back. There’s just nothing in the world like holding a newborn.
Mary
I guess I am the different one here, I’m not a baby person. I have horrible pregnancies have been bed ridden, have lost a twin, miscarriage at 18 weeks, and in the hospital being re-hydrated.And even after they are born, found they were fun to cuddle for awhile, but not fond of the 24/7 with a baby. When I found out I was having my 4th I cried, not because I was having another child, but because I was having a baby. Don’t get me wrong, I love and treasure my children and always wanted MORE than we actually have, but wanted them born at age 7. I love pre-teen and teen-agers. Now that the last one has left for college I really miss the wild crazy days of high school children. Even though I miss a house full of teen-agers, I am enjoying the empty nest to the fullest. The best advice I ever got was from my ob after the birth of my first child, he said,” Remember you two were a couple before you were parents, and that needs to come first.” Now that we are empty nesters we realize that life can be amazing after children. Our oldest daughter even gave us a Christmas ornament that said, “Empty Nesters first Christmas.” Balance is the key, each couple has their own number and should accept what God gives or does not give them. Sometimes as parents we want babies instead of kids, but babies grow up. Now for me that was a good thing, but for many of my friends having their children grow up was hard, they had to have that baby. My own kids actually thanked me, imagine that, for letting them grow up and not trying to keep them “mom’s baby”, and realizing that life is more than being a parent, and that we do have our own lives after they leave home. A struggle they see so many of their friend’s parents going through. Hope this all makes sense, made sense in my mind, but some how between mind and fingers it gets mixed up.
Candace
I have 5 beautiful babies and still I tear up when I see a new little one at church. I long for another, yet know my husband is ready to be done. He carries the burden of working hard for our family so that I am able to stay at home and teach them. My youngest just turned 2. I am trying to love the children that I have well and look for ways to serve in our church and community. I have been so busy being pregnant and nursing that I am not free to serve in new ways at our church. It is bittersweet. I am also thinking about egg donation. My children have been such a blessing and if I could help someone else have the gift of a child, I may just do it. I’ve always done home births, but a few extra hormones (injected) for the sake of another mama just might be worth it.
Anna
I love this article. My husband and I would love to have more children. Before we married we agreed we wAnted 5 or 6 kids. Getting pregnant has never been easy for us. It has taken over a year each time. My first pregnancy was pretty text book except for morning sickness all 9 months. The second I had gestational diabetes and morning sickness all 9 months. My 3rd and 4th pregnancies ended in miscarriages. My 5th pregnancy was scary. After having 2 miscarriages and being scared the entire time it would end in miscarriage but the Lord blessed us with our 3rd daughter 4yrs after my second daughter. I thought getting pregnant would be better next time around but it want. I found out I was pregnant last August and a little over a week later I had my 3rd miscarriage. We want more children. We know we are not ready to say we are done. But we are constantly praying for the Lord to bless us with more children. I love my 3 daughters the Lord has blessed us with but I still long for more.
Lor
i definitely didn’t choose to be done. our daughter is four & we’ve spent the last three years trying to give her a sibling, trying to figure out what’s wrong with me, what we need to do differently – with no luck & no explanations. the stress is too much & so now we’re choosing to stop trying. it’s heartbreaking, but i’m trying to see the good – my body has some wicked awesome natural birth control! no more diapers! we can coach her soccer teams and chaperone her field trips. we don’t need a bigger house. we could do foster care… who knows what God has in store for us. it helps to know i’m going through the same thing every mom goes through at some point no matter how many children she has. it still hurts and people still say hurtful things, but just because i didn’t choose it doesn’t mean it can’t be awesome.
Molly
We homeschool. That means we tend to meet and know many large families. It can be very frustrating for people to assume that we either don’t count our children as blessings because we only have a few or that we are somehow willfully disobeying God. The thing to remember is, in this area of life, you really don’t even know “the whole story.” We’ve had 8 miscarriages. That is 8 babies, children I had names picked out for, babies I had (perhaps unwisely) purchased fabric for so I could get started on their blankies and maybe be finished by the time they were here. We recently found that we are pregnant again, much to our surprise. Every pregnancy has been high risk. Every pregnancy has been filled either with the despair of loss or multiple hospitalizations and ambulance rides. Embarrassing stories about passing out and clutching the chest of a stranger in hopes of not falling directly on my growing belly abound. We hope we get to meet this one. I am 35. I can’t say that we know that we are done. Part of me very much wants to be finished with frequent doctor visits, puking all day and all night until the OB throws up their hands and induces early to keep me from having a heart attack. I keep thinking all babies are blessings. Each one is a gift from God. Do I really want to limit such blessings? My heart aches for more. We’re on our 11th pregnancy. We were “done.” We had decided not that we didn’t want more, but that we couldn’t take another loss. We shouldn’t be able to have another. It shouldn’t have happened. It shouldn’t have been possible. Yet we find ourselves in the familiar routine of stockpiling vomit bags each time we are in the ER because they are very handy when one gets sick in the car while driving. I wish I *knew* with clarity and certainty. I wish God would literally write it in the sky- His will for us in this. What I do know is he has given us another. We will cherish this one, pray for this one, hope that we get to meet this one, and unconditionally love this one for however long we are blessed to be this baby’s parents. Then we’ll have to decide again. Do we want to be 37 or 38 and still having high risk pregnancies, losing babies, and baking cookies for the local firemen who (once again) you threw up on in the back of an ambulance? It just doesn’t look the same for everyone. Not everyone was made to carry and deliver 8 to 12 babies. Some people never get to even carry 1. This is such a personal part of life. My sincere desire is that people would simply stop judging, stop assuming they know all the facts, and start praying and supporting one another. We’ve been asked (by Christian friends) if we intended to keep this baby since pregnancy is so hard for us. We’ve been called stupid and foolish for being pregnant again given our (my) medical history. We’ve also been called ungrateful because we have so few children. We’ve been accused of cherry picking the Bible because we’ve used birth control of any kid. How, I wonder, does any of this actually build the kingdom? How does any of it reflect the attitude of actions of Christ. I so love the concept of grace here. Just know you don’t know the whole story. Offer grace. Give acts of love. Having lost so many, I don’t know that I’ll ever be *done.* I’ll be 50 and wonder what each of those babies would have been like. How busy would the house have been? How many adventures and snuggles would we have had? I do know that at some point, God will call it. One way or another, there will be an end. For now, I just pray and hope that it is AFTER this baby is born.
Candace
Molly,
I am praying for you now, for your health and that of your baby. I will also be praying that you have gracious women around you who show you the love of Christ without any judgement. Your story breaks my heart. I’ve felt the judgement from both sides, from being “done” and women who believe that God should choose, and from women who already see my group and feel that I should be as any other American family and stop after 2. It hurts. I hope you are able to hold your healthy baby, and if not, I hope you have friends who can point you to Christ. All things are for good, and sometimes we will never understand why. May your faith be strengthened and renewed.
Erin
Thank you so much for encouraging Molly, Candace!!
momof4
Lovely post. My last baby is 6mo and we are done. We have had four full term births and two early miscarriages. Each pregnancy has been filled with it’s own trials. I am often unable to really care for my older children due to being so sick during pregnancies. I don’t see how that is being a good mother to the children God has blessed me with when I am all but out of commission for all of their preschool years. To top things off, I had complications after the last birth. Was unable to breastfeed her. (I EBF all of her siblings.) Definitely struggled with PPD for awhile too. Am dealing with other physical consequences of carrying my four large babies. As the other commenters have touched on, you just don’t know the whole story. Those who are young and healthy and just starting out have no idea what the future holds for them too.
momof4
Just realized I came off a little negative there. I AM really thankful to be a mother and will always be a little sad that I am at the end of this season. Physically and emotionally it has just been so much harder than I ever imagined.
Erin
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your losses but so thankful for your babies you have on earth.
Linda
I am mom to 3 grown children. I didn’t have my first till I was 26, then didn’t get pg till 32. After that I was 38 with my third. We lost our 4th when I was 20 1/2wks along at 40, then another at 20 wks- she lived 1/2hrs. I would have had another if I knew I wouldn’t have another premie but I just could take anymore losses. It hurt to know I was done but it hurt more to lose them.
Erin
I am so sorry for your losses, Linda. Thank you for sharing your story.
Rebecca
always something, is what I have to say to you mamas. To all of you who are mourning your last pregnancy or last child or last baby, please take a moment to be reminded of those who have never experienced the gift of bearing a child. Please stop and take a moment to be thankful that you have experienced this gift. And please, don’t limit your perspective to “secondary infertility” — without realizing it, you are implying to those of us who have mothered in many ways but not in the traditional sense of bearing our own children that we are somehow not regarded as equal women. Like we have not succeeded in our marriage, life, or fill in the blank. There is a whole WORLD out there of wives desperate to be heard and respected DESPITE their lack of pregnancies, miscarriages, and babies. Finally, pregnancy is a gift. You have done nothing to achieve this privilege; please don’t imply to the rest of us that we just haven’t achieved well enough.
Erin
Rebecca, no one is implying that at all. Just like these women have not experienced your pain, you have not experienced their pain. Please do not take your pain out on them. Pain is pain, regardless. I am sorry for what you have been through, but it does not minimize the feelings so many of us who are done having babies feel–or what those who are suffering secondary infertility feel. Secondary infertility is a real medical issue, and it is incredibly painful for many women. Peace and grace to you today.
Molly
Dear Rebecca,
I am sincerely sorry for your hurt. It can be very challenging to not take things personally or not feel attacked when you are struggling through a trial in life. Please consider that you share things in common with women who are grieving their last pregnancy. You are both grieving. You both feel loss. You both wanted and yearned for something and for whatever reason, it didn’t happen. That is hard. It raises many doubts and questions. I cannot speak for everyone who has commented. I can speak for myself. I grieve for my miscarried babies. I have concerns for the health of my current pregnancy. That does not mean that I do not consider pregnancy to be a gift. It certainly does not mean I somehow believe I have more value than a mother at heart who wanted but could not have children. God counts and wipes away all of our tears. You are not alone. You are not somehow less. You are loved and valued and exactly as God created you to be. Sometimes that can be pretty hard to deal with. May you find comfort and peace in your journey.
Kenda Wathen
Hi, Thank you for this. I have three beautiful children that God has blessed us with to raise for Him. We have two waiting for us in heaven. We knew when our youngest came along that we were done but there are still days that I have to give it back to God. I love being a mom. I love the baby stage and all that goes with it. My youngest is now 3 1/2 and there are times that those baby showers, announcements and quiet cries are hard to see and hear. I think in some ways that is good because it gives us a chance to remember what we had and pray for those new moms. We have talked about the fact that we may one day add to the family through adoption but that is a someday and probably not a reality. For me it was a matter of age and health that led to the end of our baby days. At 41 I had our precious daughter after two miscarriages. She was a blessing from God. I had asked the Lord just weeks before we found we were pregnant for “just one more baby”. God answered that prayer and that is partly how I knew she was to be the last. I am thankful for the family we have.
Erin
Thank you so much for sharing, Kenda!
Michelle
Since early in our marriage, before we ever conceived our first child, my husband and I always knew if we had a third child, that one would be our last. Why? I can’t explain it. But we were of the same heart, and I believe that was of God. During my first pregnancy, we discovered that I had fibroids–large and many. Thankfully, they did not affect my pregnancy. But after our first was born, I started wondering if we’d even have two, let alone three. I loved our little girl to no end, but it was much more overwhelming and difficult than we had ever imagined. 2 years later we were ready to have another, but due to some heart issues I experienced, it was another two years before our second little girl was in our arms. She was a difficult pregnancy, delivery and baby, and we were almost certain she would be our youngest, but the door was never completely closed. Then, less than 2.5 years later, on the day we closed the deal on the sale of our house, we discovered baby #3 was hiding in there. We knew in our hearts, this was our last pregnancy and not only did we have peace about the situation, we were happy with our family of five, especially when we found out #3 was a boy. Two years after the birth of our son, my dr told me I would need a hysterectomy because the fibroids had continued to grow and multiply. By the time I had my uterus removed, it was as big as if I was 6 months pregnant. Here’s the thing; God knows I don’t handle change well, and He knows that I can take things very personally sometimes. And so I believe that He gave my husband and I the agreement of having 3 babies long before we ever knew that would be all we COULD have. I’ve now just turned 40, our kids are 14, 10 and 7 and our family has never felt more complete. And I have never felt the longing of not having more babies. I recognize this peace as a blessing only God can give, and I’m very thankful that He not only placed the desire within my heart to only carry three healthy, happy babies, but that He completed that work in our family.
Jules
Such refreshing post! I, too, have this conversation with mothers, and most KNOW their answer; a few dear friends and I struggle with being done. My husband feels done; I am gradually moving in that direction. It was much harder to contemplate a few years ago, and we were gifted another blessed baby. But time and the overwhelming issues of life with many children, leads me to think we are closing the chapter on babyhood. I box up the toys that have lost their appeal; I give away baby gear and maternity clothes; and I know that as I switch out clothes for the season, it will probably be the last time certain items are worn: not particularly “special” clothes, just the favorites, the grimy shirts that were chosen for day after day of childhood play. That hurts. It hurts to see the days pass. But as a friend told me, there will always be a Last Baby. Eventually one will be The Last. God is healing the ache and bringing me to terms that that day may be here. And He will give Grace for that, too.
Michelle
I don’t know if we’re done; I hope not. I’m 36; we lost our first two babies I was pregnant with. My 3rd pregnancy went well, thank God, and we had a son. But, then we suffered secondary infertility and after 3 years of “trying” lost our 4th baby to miscarriage. Finally, 5 years after our son was born, we had our daughter. I always wanted at least 4 kids (the more, the merrier), but I currently have 2. We also have an adoption on hold, waiting to open up when we’re ready to do so again (which we will). So, I want another baby biologically, but I don’t know if it’s in God’s plan. We’ll just have to wait and see, and remember how blessed we are to have the ones we already do.
Kristi
This is beautifully written and all. I have one little (but important) point to take issue with — that 35 is some sort of cut-off time to have babies. I’m not trying to change the mind of anyone who is sure that she is “done,” but arbitrary age limits shouldn’t be part of that decision.
I had my first at 38 and 2nd at 40. No problems. I know so many other late-bloomers (or those surprised by babies) with “advanced maternal age.”
Yes, there is an increase in certain health problems with older mothers. But it’s not THAT much greater. And there is never a risk-free time to have a baby!
I miscarried my 3rd at 42 . . . then developed a chronic illness requiring medication that prohibits my becoming pregnant again. I’m so glad for our two, and so glad for our third we’ll see one day, and grateful my OB never told me I was too old! (She was basically on my timetable anyway w/ her two sons!)
Rébecca
I have difficult pregnancies and I was so sure my 6th one would be my last. That’s what kept me going. I know I could take a few more days, weeks, months of feeling awful because that would be my last time doing this thing, at least for a long time (I’m 31 and so I didn’t exclude the idea of maybe having another one in, say, 6 or 7 years ?).
But then my baby died. When he was two months old. And now… I don’t know. It’s so hard because on one hand I sooo want another baby, on another hand I was so done with being pregnant that facing another pregnancy is hard to wrap my head around… it’s kind of the opposite of the ache of being done. But it does all go back to letting God control our lives (He does anyway, but our job is to learn to accept and trust his will for our lives…)
Claire
I’m so sorry for your loss Rebecca. You are so right about the need to give God control and accept his will. Much easier said than done sometimes…
megan
After pregnancy I said…”I never want to do that again,” …which lasted until they turned 18 months. Then the baby fever would start again and numb the memories of the long births. After number two I felt like we could be done but wasn’t 100% sure.
BUT after #3 I knew! I felt a peace and contentment while happily packing away outgrown clothes instead of sadness. Pure elation at giving away the baby bulk of outgrown toys! I feel ready to be done with the baby phase, carting diaper bags and waking in the middle of the night for feedings. 3 is the perfect amount for me!
I am ready to have energy to play games with my kids and go on adventures with them. Bring on the adventures of toddler and elementary years! Bring on potty training and homeschooling multiples.
Angela
I am so thankful that someone was brave to say what this post did. I only have two children and have many friends who have or aspire to large families. But sometimes I feel that people don’t think there are reasons that people don’t have more children beyond “selfish” and “not trusting God”. I was told by my doctor after my son to not have more children because of the risk of me dying and do something permanent about it (we did about two weeks after his birth). In truth I would have died following my first child if I had not been in the hospital. Finally I started telling people that more children would kill me. People don’t really want to tell you should risking leaving your children orphans. Now that my son is nearly seven it is less common question.
Heidi
What do you do when you’re not done having kids but your husband is? We have two beautiful boys who bring us so much joy and happiness. So much that I can’t let go of the dream to have one more. I am 39 years old and our youngest is 3 and a half. For me, it’s now or never. But my husband is adamantly against having three. He was an only child, we have no help from grandparents, our finances are comfortable now but could be stretched if we have a third, we only have a three bedroom house so the boys would have to share… I understand all of his arguments, but I can’t let go of this dream. I’ve prayed about it and it just won’t go away.
Of course I worry about the health of the baby if I was to have a third at my age. But there are so many women who have healthy pregnancies into their forties these days. If it is God’s will, it will happen. Is that just my wishful thinking?
I made the mistake of mentioning my feelings to my husband’s parents. They are 110% against it. My father-in-law even said he disapproves of such a desire and that a woman of my age should not be thinking about adding to an already perfect family.
Hoping for some clarity. If anyone can help, I’d appreciate it. I know having a baby needs to be a joint decision by the father and mother. But us not having a third is not a joint decision. It is my husband’s decision that I strongly disagree with.
Cassie
Wow! I stumbled upon this post not realizing what a gift it would be to my heart. My fourth and final baby is 2 1/2 now and out of respect for my husband, we are done. I feel blessed beyond words for my 4 girls, but wondered if there was something wrong with my heart when my friends all announced they were pregnant this year and I was envious, hurt and had to fake celebrate with them. AFter many conversations with my Lord Jesus, I feel peaceful and the beginning stages of what feels like freedom in my heart. I am in a constant state of surrendering it, though and knowing that it is something that other mamas feel, makes me feel less lonely. The stories above of the losses break my heart and I send many prayers for those hearts! Thank you all for sharing such a deeply intimate part of life.
Julie
Oh Erin! How could you! How could you post this right before I have to go do the whole school pick-u carpool. Now I look like a crazy mother with swollen, red eyes. I honestly thought it’d be a sweet, little post so I read it real quick before heading out the door. Apparently, you hit nerves I didn’t know I had. With my first son I was the mama waiting for a redeemed marriage before having more. I didn’t even realize that would make it onto a list of reasons why. I was blessed with that redeemed marriage and blessed with a second son. Now, as my youngest turns 2 in August, the “will we have more” question comes up and as much as I’d like to give a definite Yes! the painful truth (a truth I lie to avoid and not think about) is that I don’t know. Most likely not. At least not until another one of the reasons you listed above happens. And it may be God plan we’re done and the carnal side of me thinks that plan stinks like poo! But of course, deep down I know His plan is better than anything I could think of.
Julie
And just to clarify, those “How could you”s were meant with love. Sarcasm and love 🙂
Julie
*Like to avoid….apparently ugly crying with snot running down your face makes you unable to type 😛
Alissa
Thank you for this post- I struggle all the time the feeling of not being “done,” even though i am sooooo done- I mean, I’m never going to not want pregnancy and a new baby, but I truly could not handle another kid. I’m 35 with four kids (7 and under), and am now taking an anti-anxiety med bc of the daily stress; more kids didn’t seem like a smart choice, so we went with vasectomy. I miss babies so much, and even though I say I’m done, I still ache in my heat for a new baby. I wish I had cherished the babyhood more, I was only super-happy about it with my last, bc she was the last. But wow, it flies, and now my last baby is potty trained and in a big girl bed. My time has come and gone, will no appear again, and…I feel like I missed it bc I was busy being IN it 🙁
leen
We had one son born via c section and that was enough for me. I was considered high risk according to my doctor (I was 34) and was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. I have never been one to dream of having any kids at all so was happy to have our son and let it end there. My husband (bless his heart) got a vasectomy and that was the end of that. Now here we are 6 years later and my heart is slowly opening up to adopting a child (an older child), slowly. It is in God’s hands.
The amount of judgement and comments from well meaning believers and family has been quiet difficult to deal with at times but I press on. This article was well written and much needed.
Karla
We stopped at three. Our first was 2 weeks early, our second was 4 weeks early, and our third was 6 weeks early. Each one came two weeks earlier than the one before, and we worried about having a 4th and having it come even earlier yet. We also had a missed miscarriage in between the first and second child, and that was hard. I was also 38 when our last was born, and my body was kind of spent. I also suffered from post-partum depression to varying degrees after each of my children were born. This coming Monday I’ll turn 45, and I don’t regret the decision we made to stop. I had my tubes tied and figured if I got pregnant again after that (which is more common then I thought it was) then it was meant to be and was God’s will. That didn’t happen to me, and I am thankful for that. I’ve never looked back with regret at the decision to have my tubes tied. When my husband brought the subject up, it was out of concern for my physical and mental health, and he let me make the final decision on it. We have a beautiful family, with three lovely little girls and a little angel in heaven that we’ll get to meet someday. The family the I have now needed me to be physically as well as mentally available to help these beautiful babies grow up to have families of their own. If someday I should become a grandma, well then I’ll love on those little ones.
Alisha
First of all, thank you for this post. The battle is very real with my husband and I as well. Through health issues, job loss, and marriage issues, it’s very hard to make this decision for our family. The want is very much there, but circumstances are never right. Much prayer needs to be done for guidance and peace. Thanks again for sharing!
Erin
I will say a prayer for you right now! It is such a very difficult decision!
Tiffany
For 7 years my husband and I have welcomed a baby about every 2 years. 4 babies in 6.5 years; our youngest and last baby is 9 months. We are coming up on the time frame where we usually announce the next baby. However, this time there won’t be another baby. As much as I would love to welcome more babies into our lives my health says no more. My body can’t do another pregnancy. So, this time around as my baby outgrows clothes and gear I don’t repack them and put them in storage. This time I give them away. It hurts. Knowing that this baby is our last hurts. Seeing pregnancy announcements of friends and family hurts. As happy as I am for them a small part of me is jealous. There is a small sting of sadness beneath my happiness for them and I don’t know that it will ever go away.
Karri
My first and only pregnancy was high risk that ended in a c/section. I suffered from chronic pain for a few years after giving birth. I was on many drugs that causes damages to my eggs and birth defects.
My first is a more child. She always needed more. I love to pieces but coming out the other side, I understand why she is an only.
We thought we would adopt or have more babies one way or another. We are finally content knowing that she is ours.
It stings (she is 7) when people ask me when the next baby is coming.
Angela
I want to start by saying my grandma always told me That I would know in my heart when I was done having babies. I have four beautiful children, after my third child my husband said he was done having kids, I prayed everyday because I still had an ache in my heart like something was missing. I didn’t know what this was. My son was 6 1/2 and I finally was like I guess it’s time to give up and get fixed cause I’m done having kids. Its not meant to be. Well in October a lady at my church came up to me and said. ” God gave me a dream and told me to tell you, He is not done with you yet you are going to have another child he knows the desires of your heart. ” I kinda shook it off because I’ve never had an experience like this before. Well in December I had a Dr appointment and found out I was 2 1/2 months pregnant and I had really bad gestational diabetes. God was with me and the baby the entire time just like he said he would be. Because we defied all odds and after 38 wks I delivered a 7lb 5 oz beautiful baby girl. Who is now 9 mths old. I then had the feeling my grandma had told me about. My heart was totally full and I feel complete. I have 2 girls and 2 boys and they are my life. Thank God…
Tab
A very personal subject. I hope our story can help someone. My first pregnancy became Rh sensitized mysteriously from the beginning of the pregnancy to midway. We were given Rhogam before my blood test results came back finding that now not only was I sensitized but my antibody levels were now through the roof. (This is what happens when you are sensitized and are given Rhogam.) Because my antibody levels were so high we were told that our risk of my body destroying any future Rh-positive babies was extremely high. My body had officially become a dangerous place to grow a rhesus positive baby. It was now very likely that any baby would be born with fetal hydrops, and stillborn, even with interventions. The baby would be closely watched during my pregnancy with advanced ultrasound and would likely need blood transfusions throughout. In utero and postnatal. Severe, brain damaging jaundice and prematurity were also likely. My husband had a genetics test to see if he was able to produce an Rh-negative baby and he was heterozygous, which meant we had a 50/50 chance of producing an Rh-negative baby. Despite lovingly being told we should not risk it, because I don’t think I could live with myself causing my own baby’s demise, we became pregnant a second time. This baby turned out to be Rh-negative. Once he was born, we realized that this was it for us. Having this Rh- baby was our fleece. Even with this gut certainty, it took 8 months of prayer to fully go through with the finality of our decision. Two was the number, and we are thankful to have 2 beautiful children who are now 7 and (almost) 10. I have fought with the faith in my decision. Partly because my body longs to have more, partly because we have been challenged by others in not knowing God’s will, and partly from self doubt. Most of the time I am very comfortable with every stage of life, and we are so grateful to have 2. Considering a lot of the challenges that took them to get here, those that I will not write about here, both babies are miracles and we are eternally grateful having been blessed with them. My heart breaks for those struggling with infertility. My heart breaks from the depths of my soul for them. It isn’t out of pity, but mourning beside them. I felt that God allowed this to happen for a reason, though, but finally coming to that reality took a long time. Perhaps there would have been stillbirths in my future, perhaps I would not have survived another pregnancy. God made it all happen for a reason. I hope this helps someone struggling out there.
Jessica
And I am numbered among those done and in pain. My first was so physically taxing I thought I would die. My second was mentally beyond taxing – I wished I could die.
My third, who will turn 1 on two weeks, was worlds beyond both. I really did nearly die. I almost bled to death during my third unplanned c/s. (All under different circumstances, none preventable (I am a huge natural birth advocate))
The heart ache, hardship to my marriage, the need for adoptive families, the depth of physical healing each has taken (each more than the last) has led us to say enough. I long for another baby. I missed my thirds newborn phase – others cared for him. I dote remember what he felt like squishy and new. I grieve for so many losses through this process.
Plus, I had 2 angel babies between each boy. So so much loss…
Jennifer Munoz
I just had Baby #7 in May 2015, and had my tubes tied during my 5th c-section. My hubby and I had prayed about it and decided it was probably our last, but my Dr confirmed it would be best for my health to tie my tubes. I have been blessed w/ 7 healthy children and I thank God for them and their health everyday, but it still hurts. I wanted to talk to a “sister” at church but I’m afraid she will think I am very selfish because there are so many women who pray for just one healthy baby and I have seven. I know everyone is different and so is their situation, I’m just having a hard time right now. I’ve tried talking to my husband and I think he wants to understand, but he doesn’t. I don’t think this feeling will ever go away, but I’m hoping it will get easier.
Sylvia
We are done after one. People like to explain to me that i will change my mind and have another some day. I changed my mind the day my son was born, I wanted more. Unfortunately, I am that momma that you speak of with health issues. Another delivery and it is more likely I would die than live. It breaks my heart to think we can not give our son a sibling, we will never snuggle a sweet new baby at 3:00am for a feeding and changing. However I try, like you said to accept his journey for me with Grace.
Sheri
There’s something in me that doesn’t like closing doors. Sure my front door is closed and locked at night, but my windows are open. I like being open to possibilities. That’s pretty much who I am. I was sad when I realized that menopause was complete. It took a little time to get used to the idea. It is a new season. I need to finish teaching my childen and enjoy my grandchildren.
When it comes to asking others about whether they will have more children or are they done? That is such a personal question, I don’t ask it. Perhaps this is the only place it can be asked, because we can volunteer to answer. Our answer can only be our plan, because our fertility is still in God’s sovereign hands.
There are women open to many children, but God gives them few or none. There are some who will try to prevent pregnancy and still have more. He has our best in mind. I have a saying, “Control is an illusion.” We really never have control. We are in God’s hands.
Man plans his way, but God directs his steps.
Proverbs 16:9
Tiffany P
I have 5 boys, aged 8 and under. We knew that we were done after our last was born (he is 10 months now). I had my tubes removed to prevent pregnancy. I hemorrhaged very badly after delivering my last 2 babies. Doctors highly recommended we not have any more, and with prayer, we decided that my life was not a risk we want to keep taking.
Rebecca Reynolds
We had two birth children early in marriage, then we adopted a child from overseas. The adoption process was just as sweet as pregnancy, and the bond is just as strong. There are so many children in the world needing homes, I got to the place of seeing that my physical womb wasn’t as big of a deal as a quality of openness that allowed life to grow in our shelter and love. Sometimes I do miss having a newborn, but seeing what’s really happening in orphanages keeps my sense of loss in check. Anything I can’t have pales in comparison to all I have to give.
Suzanne
I am done – of my own choosing. I was lucky and my husband supported me in my decision to have 5 babies and when I was done. I was always worried if I would know when I was done – I did know! But I don’t think that is true for everyone! You have to listen to your inner voice and talk to your hubby. AND NO ONE should make you feel guilty for having more kids or for not having more kids! It is PERSONAL!!
I couldn’t seem to get the first baby out fast enough for people (took 3 years! and it was really hard that it took that long – but I am a lucky one that it happened naturally!) The second one couldn’t come quick enough either. The 3rd one was like, “oh, another one” people would say to me. My 4th one – people I didn’t even know would tell me I didn’t have to populate the earth myself! That was hard to hear that from people in my own church and total strangers! *Mind you there is a 5 year gap between the first two and the next two (not by my choosing or my hubby’s – just took that long to pregnant again!!) And by our 5th baby – no one said a word and was happy for us.
But I am a true believer in it being a VERY personal decision between you and your hubby! No one should be asking!! People asked after my 2nd baby and it hurt so much because it wasn’t anything we were or weren’t doing – but the baby took 5 years!!! It would break my heart at times!! I got really good at telling people that it was personal and that they should NEVER ask someone that!! If they wanted to be personal in asking – I would be personal in replying.
But, that being said, I found that most people that asked me when the next baby was coming – NEVER had a hard time getting pregnant and couldn’t understand why it was taking us so long:) They don’t mean to be insensitive to my feelings – they just don’t understand!
Amanda
We are done after three back to back. Even after two moderately severe hyperemesis pregnancies with hospitalizations and countless trips to the ER for hydration, I couldn’t call it quits permanently. When my 2nd little girl was 12 months, I started giving things away, especially to my friend who decided to foster. I thought it was God’s way of bringing my heart to the point I could close the door, but He has a sense of humor and “surprised” us with number 3. This one was by far the worst, admitting me to the hospital 9 times in 7 months, a NICU stay, and a severe recovery from a Staph infection from a PICC line. So, I didn’t mind requiring my husband to go get “fixed”! I’m ecstatic with our three little ones, but if it weren’t for HG, I’d want more. I am already feeling that longing, probably because I have forgotten the worst of it! =) Every situation is different, and God is moving differently in each family. What a wonderful article!
Ruth G onzalez
I tried to have a baby as soon as my hubby and I got married. In 11 years I had 7 early term miscarriages. I did inseminations, pills, shots – everything except IVF as I could get pregnant. Then my sister who had been childless until the age of 40 got pregnant. I got pregnant right along side her! I lost that pregnancy within 1 month. Her pregnancy continued. I resigned myself to love that baby as if it was mine and rejoice that there was going to be a baby in the family. Guess What? I got pregnant the following month! That pregnancy was perfect in every way, no morning sickness, no nausea, no bleeding, cramping – nothing. At 37 years of age I gave birth to a full term baby boy which I named Noah. My sister’s daughter and my son are two months apart. He is my miracle and I am thankful for him. I did not try anymore. God answered my prayer.
Anita
Thank you for your story. It gave me things to think about.
Right now I have a 4 year old, 2 year old, and will be 1 year old in 9 days. All girls! This year has definitely been the hardest year of my life. Not only with the addition of a new baby girl, but also the most death I have experience in my life. I lost my dad from cancer 11 days before my 1 year old was born. From there I have been to way too many funerals over that last year making it a very difficult year for my husband and I. We have always talked about having 4 kids and being done but maybe adopting later on in life. But right now, I am not a fan of being pregnant again. I don’t have horrible pregnancies, but I am sick 6 months out of the year, and with my last two the pressure has bee horrible from the beginning that has me freaked out to have another one. With my last baby, I was walking with so much pain and so slow that my 1 year old was faster than me. I’m just not a happy pregnancy person, other health issues make it not fun. Not horrible, but not a happy time either. So not being a great pregnant mama, then adding taking care of three little girls on top of it has me a little freaked out. I also have had two c-sections and am wondering if waiting a little bit or no mroe would be wise to allow my body time to heal since it did not happen that way with the first three.
We are praying about this, because there are days where I am confident that God is telling me to wait. Then there are other days where I feel as though I am being selfish or a whimp. I’m going to keep praying until I feel a direct call from God one way or another.
Thanks for opening up the discussion. This is not a clear command from God in the Bible and touches women’s hearts so deep. We need to show the love and compassion that Jesus would show to a family who is honestly trying to seek God’s will.
Torrey
I feel like I’m coming from the other end of the spectrum. I’m glad to move out of the baby years. I knew I was done shortly after my second was born. It wasn’t even so much that I didn’t want more kids, but I felt like I couldn’t survive any more babies – my own health needed to be a priority for a bit. I’m also not built to relate to numerous children. I function so much better one-on-one and know that about myself. And my parents and grandma also moved in with us while we were building a house for them. It was just too much chaos.
I did have a recent scare where I thought we were potentially pregnant. I almost had a nervous breakdown. But then one day at church, there was a succession of events that just left me in peace about it. And I could, I could lay it on the altar. I could trust that the outcome would be glorious no matter what.
Holly
As a mom to 6,healthy,happy,annoying,sweet,needy,whiney,smart,beautiful children,I just knew i could not handle more. 5 girls,1 boy. The boy did me in,lol. Love him so much,but oh man is he needy. I have them all very busy with sports,activities,I am not a lazy parent. They are active kids. However,i have more days now as an adult that I want to run away,way more than as a kid! The teenage drama,needs of them,where i have to be at all the different times….it is a struggle. I love them,and would not change it for anything…but i also know I can in no way handle more emotionally or physically.
Jasmine @ PlacidWay
My mother who is 40 and had her tube tied decided to undergo tubal ligation reversal. Main reason is that we don’t have a brother and I don’t know maybe emotionally she regret having her tubes tied. She only have us, two daughter and where still single. Before she always told us to give her a grandson but it is still not on our mind so maybe this urge her to undergo tubal reversal to fulfill her dream of having a baby boy in the family.
Brigid
This is such a difficult transition, in part because it happens in phases. I got a late start with my babies. I was 36 with my first and 39 with my second. I got my tubes tied after my second because I wasn’t willing to assume any risks to my health with two baby girls depending on me. That was a difficult decision and I was blue for months. But I came to terms with that, in time. Now I am in perimenopause and there is a terrible finality in this change. It it a change to my fertility. When my tubes were tied I was still fertile, still viable. But now. That is almost gone. It’s heartbreaking. It’s final. It breaks my heart everyday. I have accepted this change, this new season. Be grateful for your babies, for your fertility. Have the grace to accept each new season and embrace each change. But mostly, kiss your babies.
Wendy
May God bless you all exactly where you are at. I’m a Momma of 5,b1 step daughter and we had one miscarriage. We also have 2 new children by means of our older ones marrying. Before I began in my younger years having children, I remember the feeling of,”will I get pregnant?” I remember that feeling of disappointment when I found out I wasn’t pregnant, then the joys of finding out I was pregnant each time(in some occasions of the oh nos when we didn’t expect that little bean). The joys of having a daughter that I didn’t birth but love as my own. I remember being scared with each as well, that I would loose them. I remember all the other emotions that most of us have had and the anxious times as well. After our 7th, or 6th living child, we decided that we SHOuLD be done. Family and society told us to stop. We listened. We really regret that decision the most in life. From experience my advice is if you are not feeling easy about your child rearing days being done, don’t do anything permanent. That is something you can’t usually undo. I am now 44 and 4 of the 6 have graduated, 2 are married, and 2 of the 3 still home are homeschooled. Even when your rearing days are done you will one day have grand babies to enjoy. We have 2 grand baby boys. My veiw is from the other side of the fence because my baby belly days are gone(and oh do He and I miss that)! There are challenges at each season of life but we are able to get through them with Gods grace. Our first grand baby at 9 months was diagnosed with neuroblastoma cancer. It was THE HARDEST season of our lives. Having to be positive and strong for our children. At the same time our daughter was going through this, she found out she was Pregnant with her 2nd and my oldest son left for the military(the first to leave the area) . He is now done with his training and getting ready to go deploy for the first time. All these experiences make you realise so many things about God, yourself, your spouse, your children/grandchildren and life. These are hard, emotional, joyful, beautiful times we go through. My encouragement is Try to remain content in whatever season you are in. After 9 chemicals treatments and a major surgery 3 states away, our grandson at age 20 months is cancer free!! we pray this will remain but in all things we will give God praise!!
Aimee
After a 3rd c-section we knew it was best for my health to be done. I continue to feel we made a tough but good call for our family. We trust God as we exercise wisdom.
Erin
Amen!
Jasmine
I made a choice in early adulthood to have only two children by natural pregnancy; the rest I would adopt. After my second C-Section I was sterilized. Later, I found out that my decision had deeply hurt my husband because he had wanted more. Now, our youngest is almost 6 and my heart longs for more babies to love but we do not have the financial ability to adopt. I am stuck in a place of empty longing.
Erin
I’m so sorry, Jasmine. 🙁
Leah
When we left the hospital I was determined that number 3 was a prelude to number 4. I was however 35 with number 1 and turned 40 the month after this one. Now facing pelvic floor dysfunction and a husband who is emotionally done, this message is timely.
I waited years for God to open my womb and I wasn’t ready to be done. Now I pray that my will can embrace the will of my husband or that he can have a change of heart. Thank you for this message.
Tara
I’m done. We have four boys. They are wonderful and crazy and funny and everything that I could have wished for and more. But my pregnancies got more and more scary and finally it was the decision between never having any again or risking my life and/or the baby’s and that wasn’t worth the risk. But that ache is still there. Every time I see a new baby I want to cry. I am trying to get rid of what is leftover of our baby things and it’s bittersweet. I think the clothes are the hardest to let go of (although, I have a few just in case I want to make a blanket or something). But they’re full of memories. I miss breastfeeding and 1am snuggles and that sweet sweet cry that only a newborn can make. I can’t imagine the other transitions in life will be easy but this one is particularly difficult.
Erin
I feel the same way! 🙁
Lisa
I had infertility most of my life. We tried for 9 years without success, so we adopted our son, now 18. After we adopted our son, I still prayed and hoped until I think I just gave up. We found out I was pregnant 4 1/2 years later. But at that point I was 36 and had high blood pressure, the doctor told me not to plan on keeping the pregnancy. But our daughter made it all the way through the pregnancy, and is now 13. We continued to hope but there were no more, I guess God decided that was enough,but I was still sad, I always wanted more. Now at age 50, I am okay with God’s decision, as our son, was also on the spectrum, and I am definitely more tired. I am just so grateful for the 2 babies I was given. (Hoping someday to be grandma so I can hold and rock some more babies)
Erin
Thank you for sharing your story, Lisa! I’m so glad the Lord gave you two babies!
Karen
Congratulation on your pregnancy!
Ashley
I had posted this on my fb page back in 2014 when my daughter was 2. At the time, my husband and I had decided we would discuss having more children when she was 3. Well, 3 came and went and now she is almost 4. I have a 14 year old from a previous relationship (I was only 17 when I had him) and my husband has a 19 and 18 year old from his first marriage (both of which live in other states and we don’t see often). He desperately wants another child. He lies awake crying from the ache some nights. But me? My heart feels full. I feel like I don’t want to change the way our family dynamic is. I love the bond between my (biological) two and the individual bond I have with each of them and am terrified that if we have another that life will just be out of sync. Not to mention the financial burden and lack of family support. On the other side of things, I’m trying to be respectful of God’s plan of my husband being the head of the household and that he should be guiding and leading our family. I also feel like, as his wife and the only person who can give him more children, who am I to say no? It’s been a difficult year and a nearly daily struggle. We have not had infertility issues and haven’t experienced a loss. We are just at a crossroads and he is waiting for me to choose a path. I wish I knew how.
Mommaof5
I thank the Lord Jesus Christ for the family that he’s given me. I have 2 step children that live with us full time ages 15-boy & 12-girl and also have 3 kids of my own ages 6-boy 4-boy & 2-girl. So 5 kids total in the house 15, 12, 6, 4 & 2! I am 26 and had my tubes tied after my last baby. I know that ultimately God is in control and people can have babies after getting their tubes tied now and then and my period was late a while back and I was so scared and really bummed thinking that its possible that my baby might not be the baby anymore, well it was just late and I wasnt pregnant. Things like that make me glad I’m done but my brother in law just had a baby and seeing the mom hold her made me want to cry. Just knowing that my baby is now 2 & I will probably never have another baby. It’s so funny, I couldn’t wait to get out of each stage, and with babies every 2 years it was like Everytime I’d get somewhere is just start over. Now that our youngest is getting potty trained it’s just crazy to me! I miss all of the positive things about having an infant but don’t really remember the negatives unless I really really think and search for them. It’s just a new season and I’m so excited to watch our kids grow. It’s just a bittersweet time for me since being pregnant and breastfeeding and being a stay at home mom with a newborn to cuddle all have been so wonderful for me. I guess I just need to focus less on what was and ahead to see what’s coming up. I had 2 boys in a row and once I had my girl I knew I could be done and not regret it.
Emma
I knew I wasn’t done till I had my second child at 43… 14 years after the first one. I had kept all (crib, clothes, toys) all those years, no matter many moving home. An came my daughter, I knew family was complete. Thanks God.
JW
I am struggling a bit. I married at 32 (hubby was 39) and have three children……the first at age 34, second age 36, and third at almost 39. Started off wanting just two due to our ages, a boy and a girl, but this changed over the years. My first was a boy. The second, another boy, was born almost two years later. In the meantime my first was diagnosed on the autism spectrum and we went through some dark times coming to terms with that and figuring out what to do. Yet, I was still willing to chase that girl. It took some pleading with my husband, who was done after two initially, but eventually he caved and we tried again, and God answered! I had my beautiful baby girl. I was elated. I couldn’t wait to nurse her for a year (or even longer) as I had my boys. However, I for some reason did not get my wish. Nursing was extremely painful, and it was confirmed when she was five weeks old (after a few comments and my own observations) that she was not gaining weight. I struggled with pumping and the SNS and waking her at night to eat (often against her will), while trying to cope with dealing with a 4-year-old special needs child and a 2-year-old who was on the verge of potty training. I couldn’t do it. Heartbroken, I gave up and put her on the bottle and pumped for awhile. It tore me apart. I had high expectations of how everything would go and this was a real blow, not to mention the guilt I felt that she had not been getting enough from me. I know some will read this and think at least you could have children and everything’s fine now so just suck it up and move on, and I can understand that. I AM grateful. I count my blessings. God has been so good. We’ve never struggled to have children, despite our ages. My autistic son has improved by leaps and bounds. My daughter is beautiful and healthy and I was able to give her my milk for nearly seven months. However, my unfulfilled expectations still sting at times, and I long for another baby. I would be ready this time for anything (I’ve since found out my daughter has a tongue tie). I know I did not “fail” at anything….I did what was best for my child. Yet, that was what I wanted. I love to nurse. I love little babies. This was not how I wanted to remember my last child’s newborn period. I hate that I have those memories and feel that if I were given another chance to cancel out this bad experience with a better one, I could totally let it go.
However, my husband has made it clear we are done. We are both in our 40s now. A small part of me is anxious to move on to another phase of child rearing as well and get rid of all the baby paraphernalia. Yet, I still have this lingering longing. This post was an encouragement, as was reading many of the comments. We all just have to give this area of our lives to the Lord and continually give thanks for our many blessings.
Katie
It was simply amazing. I had history of recurrent miscarriages and was also diagnosed with genetic problems but using your system http://iyareyarespellstemple.webs.com/ I got pregnant naturally at age 44& after 2 HSGs and 4 negative IUIs including 6 induction Clomid cycles and laparscopy
Amalthea
Hello. I stumbled upon this article by accident. I wanted to let you know that this post as well as the comments really touched my heart. I hope I can share my experience hear and have people listen with an open heart. My husband and I have been married 5 happy years and we decided early on that children are not for us. We came to this conclusion through much prayer, discussion and even advice from a Christian counselor. There are a multitude of reasons why we decided against them. Most of them are financial but a few are due to health reasons (i.e. genetic conditions that run in both families.) Sadly, we have felt very judged by our Christian brothers and sisters for this decision. I have been accused of being less than as a woman and a Christian for this. I cannot tell you how much the scorn and judgement hurts. Don’t get me wrong, I do not hate children. I was a nanny for 4 years. My best friend is blessed with 8 little ones. I have 7 wonderful nieces and nephews in my life. Currently, I work with children with developmental delays. I truly believe God has redirected my motherly instincts in other areas of my life. My husband and I have a happy Christ-centered marriage and are available to reach out to other families who may need help along the way. I see not having children as a blessing for *us*. I would never look down on a sister in Christ for having 1, 2, 5, 10 or more children so please do not look down on me for having none. Thank you for hearing me out.
Summer
My husband just got a vasectomy and it rocked me emotionally. I have 4 (3 boys and 1 girl) and know logically it was the right choice. I’ve stayed at home for years and have been worried what my future will be because of that. I would never give up the years with my children so it was worth it. My husband just told me I could go off birth control(the vasectomy doesn’t 100% worth for the first 3 months) due to how sad this has made me.
It has me thinking am I sad because the choice is gone or is it my biological urge pushing me here? I will be honest I drifted from God before this and this has pushed me back to him. I have been looking to him for guidence through this hard time.
Erin
That is so hard, Summer! I need to go update this post because this is what our story has been since: We had three girls within 4 years and then hubby was DONE. I mean he was DONE. I was so sad, and it was during that time I wrote this post. My heart still longed for a 4th child! I just kept imagining a 4th! I didn’t know if it were to be a girl or a boy, but I desired another. Fast forward a couple years, and hubby gave me a gift on Valentine’s Day 2015: He said we could try for a 4th. (We had never done anything permanent.) I was over-the-moon excited. We decided to start trying that summer. But nothing happened. For months, nothing happened! I was devastated. Then, in January 2016, we decided for him to have some tests run. He had been on medical treatments before, and I had been researching and was shocked to find one of the side affects was sterility! Well, no doctor had ever told us this! He had tests run, and it showed we wouldn’t be bale to conceive! The doctor said there was a small chance we could do some medical intervention and possibly conceive 3-5 years from now. We felt defeated. We grieved not being able to make that choice ourselves. Fast forward to May 2016: My period was 5 days late. A friend suggested I take a pregnancy test. I was PREGNANT! We were shocked but thrilled. The doctor ran more tests, and hubby had a very low sperm count at that point–but it only takes one. We were even more shocked when we learned in July that our baby is a BOY! We would have been happy with either, but we can see God’s hand in it all! I am writing to you today at 40 weeks, 3 days pregnant–with a baby I so longed for but thought I would never get. All that to say: Pray! Take your desires to the Lord. I love that your hubby is open to no BC for now. I do have a friend whose husband had surgery and it grew back together–and they got pregnant! I’ve heard of others getting it reversed. I will say that this whole pregnancy, though, I’ve felt like this was truly the last baby. We will see how I feel after I have him, but it’s such a different feeling than before when I longed for another. I hope our story encourages you, Summer. <3 Thanks for sharing your heart.
Hannah Johnson
I am currently pregnant with our 3rd child, and I know we will have one more after this and then be done. I have very hard pregnancies and would probably be done after this one if God hadn’t given us 4 names for our kids before we were even officially dating. I have prayed for these “4” specific kids for so many years, and truly feel like our family will be complete after 4. When we got married we prayed and told God we were going to use condoms so that He had room to do something if it was time for us to get pregnant and we didn’t hear Him telling us that it was time. Two of our pregnancies we don’t know how we got pregnant since there was never an “oops” and one we heard him saying, “it is time.” I am so thankful that He has worked so clearly in our family planning and my heart hurts for those that have a difficult time getting pregnant and I have spent so many many hours praying for other to be blessed with little ones of their own and to hear Hos voice on timeing and for Hos peace and love to cover them in their heartache.
Erin
My heart aches for those as well. It was very difficult when we were told we couldn’t have another one but then had a surprise #4 after I wrote this post. Congrats on your pregnancy, and I love how God gave you those 4 names long ago!! <3
Julie
Hello! I realize this blog was written and posted quite a while ago, but I just want to say that your words strongly impacted me. They didn’t just impact me, they changed me, and I truly believe God lead me to your words at 2am when I had doubts and fears. Not only was I comforted, I realized that this decision isn’t about me. God is asking this of me. He is directing my path this way, and I really do need to let go.
I’m 26. My babies are 3.5 and 2. I suffer from severe endometriosis. I cannot care for myself or my family without help. The pain and painkillers rule my life. The first 2 surgeries did nothing to relieve the pain. But a door opened for me to get a hysterectomy in about 7 weeks. Logically, it’s clear as day that this is what I should do. But my heart.. my heart is aching and I have yet to meet another 26 year old facing the same scenario. I feel isolated and I am grieving. Even if it’s in secret. But I will enter this next chapter knowing I have obeyed His leading.
I just wanted to share my story and tell you that you’ve inspired me, and God used you in a very powerful way. Thank you for your words. ❤️
Natalie
I am done having babies. I am 41, my kids are 11 and 7 and I am pursuing a new career and trying to finish up schooling for that new career. Neither of my kids were planned but I knew I was done at 2. I couldn’t imagine going back to the baby stage at this point in my life and with my current job-I don’t think I could nor do I want to. Two kids was enough for me to balance with 2 working parents, all the 4-H animals and activities. I came from a family with 4 kids and always thought my mom was crazy trying to juggle that many (I have no idea how she did it) and decided that I didn’t want that many. I am the oldest, so I just spoil my nieces and nephews from my younger siblings. My husband suggested we try for 3 but I was content with 2 and was 35 or 36 and my energy was sapped enough with my 2 and all other responsibilities that I couldn’t imagine having a newborn again. I like babies but I am content to spoil others babies for a short time and give them back to their parents. I never got the baby fever that some people get (like my youngest sister) as their youngest grew up so I really don’t understand it. Maybe it has something to do with different lifestyles-I am a working mom and she is a stay at home, home school mom. Nothing wrong with either lifestyle-one just isn’t for me-but maybe why we have different desires and different things drive us.