Healthy Living
Ever get the feeling that how people choose to eat is a huge cause of division between women? Why is it that healthy eating causes division… and what can we do about it?
Guest Post by Kimberly Harris of The Nourishing Gourmet
Ever gotten a snobby look when you mentioned your child had a food intolerance, or felt the glare when you whipped out an “unhealthy” snack for your child during a play date? I never imagined that our food choices could cause so much division and drama, but they do.
Once upon a time, I had a great idea. I liked creating recipes, and so I thought it would be fun to start a food blog (find it at The Nourishing Gourmet). That idea proved to be not only fun, but meaningful as it helped me meet other food bloggers and readers who ate like I do. It also complicated my life, because I realized too late that how people choose to eat is a huge cause of division between women.
After one too many uncomfortable situations regarding food choices, and others reactions to those choices, I began to think about why it was such a hot topic. While certainly not comprehensive, this is what I’ve concluded.
Food choices cause division because we aren’t secure in our choices
The friends I see on a regular basis know that I respect their decisions on how they eat, and love them right where they are at, just like they love me right where I am at. For example, they may know that I don’t eat a lot of sugar, but that I am happy to pull out some sugar for their coffee for them. They also know that I don’t keep soda pop in stock, so don’t bother asking for it at my house.
We got to that place because we are secure in our own decisions in what works well for us, and we know we aren’t at war with each other.
(Happily, we have found that we all love Chocolate Coconut Whipping Cream, Cold Brew Coffee, Gluten-Free Chocolate Pudding Cake, and Paleo 7 Layer Mexican Dip, so we can still enjoy meals together!)
However, when we are insecure in our decisions, we can tend to lash out at others living different lives than us. Their different choices make us feel even more insecure. The fact is, if we aren’t comfortable with our own decisions, we aren’t confident enough to allow others to make different choices.
Gluten Free Scottish Cookies (sweetened with Maple Syrup)
Elevating food decisions
Once I met up with an old friend who I hadn’t seen in a long time. It became clear that while she hadn’t actually read my blog much, she knew that I tried to eat a healthy diet. I sat through an awkward lecture of why “she didn’t eat that way.” Point by point, she elevated her food choices and put my choices down.
I was hurt at first. I wondered if I had said something to her that made her feel judged or had somehow brought this on myself. But no, I realized we hadn’t talked in a long time, and she hadn’t even bothered to read what I wrote online. The very fact that she knew I choose to eat a “healthy diet” had brought on this monologue.
I felt hurt, but then I realized that behind that conversation was insecurity on my friend’s side. She was worried that I would judge her, so she was rushing to explain and justify her decisions. And, as I replayed the conversation in my head, I realized that beneath her worry, she felt guilty over her decisions.
This wasn’t about the merits of one type of eating over another. It was about how we view not only others, but ourselves.
We need grace for ourselves
If we want to end the war between women, and if we want to give grace to others, we first need to give grace to ourselves. One of the things I try to share consistently on my blog is my philosophy of doing my best with what I’ve got (and then leaving the results to God).
Mommy guilt is a very real issue for many of us that can be made worse when we start talking about the “importance of a healthy diet.” I do believe in the importance of a healthy diet. I do. But I also know that we are just simple humans with limitations.
We have limitations of resources, time, money, and energy, for example. We may wish that we could do many things for our children that we simply can’t. And that guilt can eat away at us.
Image by Pixabay
The first thing we need to do to stop divisions is having grace for ourselves. We are human. We have limitations. We make mistakes. Our lives aren’t perfect. Sometimes we aren’t sure whether we are making the right decisions, even though we’ve tried to think through it well. When you throw us into the company of someone else who seems to have it together (even in one area), we feel even worse.
Grace. We aren’t demi-gods or super-humans. We can only do our best, based on the resources we have. We need to give grace to ourselves; otherwise we will walk through life insecure and always wondering why we can’t measure up.
We need grace. But to do that takes a measure of humility. We have to die to our sense of pride in wanting to seem like the super-human mom who has it all together, who “does it the right way.” We have to show each other our weaknesses and not just our strengths.
This is part of the reason I have chosen to be more vocal about my ongoing health issues, and why I’ve written to those suffering undiagnosed health problem. I want people to understand that my life isn’t perfect – just like their lives.
We need grace for other people
We need grace for ourselves, and humility, so that we can then turn around and give grace to other people. Yes, Susan may be very annoying in preaching about her new diet (that she’s probably just going to drop after three months). Sure, Katie really may be ill-advised to let her toddler eat so much candy and sweets.
Yes, we are human, and we have problems. We can be petty, judgmental, insecure wrecks at time. But we need each other, and the glue that keeps us together and relationships secure is love. A love that is willing to overlook the faults of others. I’m not saying it’s always easy, but I am saying that giving love and grace to each other is always worth it.
Yes, healthy relationships need boundaries and a love that is willing to be quiet sometimes, but also to speak up at times. A parent with a child with allergies may need to make strict boundaries with a family member who carelessly feeds said child unsafe foods. Sometimes uncomfortable conversations happen, and sometimes others aren’t ready for healthy relationships.
But for most relationships, having grace for ourselves, humility of heart, and love for others will go a long, long way in maintaining relationships even when you make different decisions for yourself and your family.
Have you experienced the way healthy eating causes division? How do you show practical love to those who eat differently than you do?
Kimberly Harris loves good food, but with a husband in school and three kids, her family also lives a frugal life. She loves sharing how she makes beautiful food simply, frugally, and nutritionally at home. Because of her own health issues, and wanting the best for her family, she also shares her research and resources on a variety of health related topics at TheNourishingGourmet.com. She wrote the cookbooks, Ladled: Nourishing Soups for all Seasons, and Fresh: Nourishing Salads for all Seasons, to share this love of healthy, simple, beautiful food.
Kimberly Harris loves good food, but with a husband in school and three kids, her family also lives a frugal life. She loves sharing how she makes beautiful food simply, frugally, and nutritionally at home. Because of her own health issues, and wanting the best for her family, she also shares her research and resources on a variety of health related topics at 
Ruth
Thank you for your timely reminder. We need to let Christ rule our lives and accept his grace and mercy. Keep going lady, your blog is a blessing to many of us.
Kimi @ The Nourishing Gourmet
Amen! We definitely need grace and mercy. 🙂
Aimee
This is true in so many areas of life! if we are confident in our decisions (and humble) we rarely feel the need to justify our decisions or judge others.
Kimi @ The Nourishing Gourmet
Absolutely! This is true for so many areas of our lives. Thanks for the comment!
Jamie
I can’t really understand the sentiment behind this. I’m not sure why some seem hostile toward my healthy eating habits, but I know that my disapproval of a junk food diet doesn’t stem from an insecurity on my part. I see it as a spiritual issue.
God talks a lot about food in the Bible, and he also talks a lot of treating our bodies as a temple and having self-control. There’s a reason why food was involved in the first sin- it’s something to be enjoyed, but also a sacred and symbolic thing to God. This of course plays out differently for different people and no one has to eat the exact same as I do as they strive to make healthy choices. I see this as an issue of the heart, and when someone is eating whatever they feel like, or worse, giving whatever to their kids, I feel that’s a violation of their faith (if they’re a Christian of course).
My cousins 2 girls were morbidly obese before their 1st birthdays because their parents ladled sugar and junk into them constantly. That to me is not only a spiritual issue, but lousy parenting.
We need to give grace, but we also need to speak the truth in love and help each other walk closer to God through it.
Kimi @ The Nourishing Gourmet
Hey Jamie,
Thanks for the comment! I love your heart towards your cousin’s kids. It can be hard to see other’s make poor choices. Having grace towards each other does not exclude speaking truth to each other. That’s not grace or acting in love towards each other.
As Christians we certainly should be trying to glorify God in every single decision we make, and that certainly includes our lifestyle choices. Personally, I think that eating an overall healthy diet, and living an active life is being a great steward of your body. I have friends who have a very missionary lifestyle. They try to “eat well” but that looks nothing like our diet and includes a lot of refined foods. They would rather spend money on orphans in third world countries than buying organic produce, and their budgets don’t allow for both. Or they find the arguments for certain healthy dietary changes unconvincing, and detrimental to their hospitality budget.
God did say that our body is a temple of the Holy Spirit in the context of speaking against sexual immorality. We are told in 1 Corinthians 6 that “every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.” I don’t think that in context we can say that this chapter is speaking to our dietary habits, and I think that Paul’s vision in Acts 10 should warn us against using our dietary habits as a ruler for godliness.
However, Paul tells Timothy in 1 Timothy 4 that “physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things,” And Proverbs 25:27 tells us that, “It is not good to eat too much honey.”
So I think that there is “some value” to physical training or eating well, and there is a LOT of value to trying to glorify God by making wise decisions (including in how we eat). For example, I eat the way I do because I want to be a good friend, mother, and wife, and ill-health makes that hard to do. So while theologically I think that we have the freedom to pursue godliness in different ways in our dietary and lifestyle habits, we also have the freedom to speak into each other’s lives out of love for each other, and to encourage each other when we notice blind spots.
<3
Kimi @ The Nourishing Gourmet
oops! That should read “Peter’s vision” 😉
Bev
Kimi, I agree with Jamie. Also, Paul didn’t have the vision as you wrote, it was Peter in Acts.
Kimi @ The Nourishing Gourmet
Yes, I clarified that above. 🙂
Valerie
I think another reason there are divisions is that there is so much information, and misinformation, ‘out there’ that it’s very hard, even impossible to really know what ‘healthy’ is. To some, it’s eating low fat, or low carb, or vegetarian, or paleo, or one of a hundred other theories out there. To some it’s antibiotic use and to another it’s shunning medical care all together. To some it’s vaccinating their children, to another it’s saying no to all vaccines. Some live and die by essential oils, some think it’s nonsense. You can have two friends who are both trying to eat healthy, be healthy, but that looks completely different for each of them. It’s very easy to be insecure about our decisions, especially when we first start, before many benefits are being seen.
Kimi @ The Nourishing Gourmet
I hear you! I have friends on both sides of the spectrum, and it can cause a lot of insecurity when you aren’t confident you “know” what the right decision is. I’m thankful that we serve a God who works everything together for our spiritual good, even when we aren’t sure we are making wise decisions. Adulting is hard sometimes!
Dena Norton
Great job, Kimi – I love your heart for connecting and extending grace! There’s just no getting around the fact that eating is a sticky subject for many. But I think the emphasis you placed on understanding the circumstances, fears, and beliefs that drive each of our choices about eating is key…like the saying goes, “They don’t care what you know until they know that you care.”
Kimi @ The Nourishing Gourmet
I love that saying, Dena. Thanks for sharing!
Sarah @The Teacher's Wife
What fantastic post! I love every single point you make, but I especially needed the reminder that sometimes our issue is within ourselves and our own lack of confidence in our choices. Thankfully, I’m working on being less of a “people pleaser” and more of a God pleaser! Thanks for sharing!!
Kimi @ The Nourishing Gourmet
“More of a God pleaser”, love it! Something we all need to aim for.
Carrie A Groff
This post really hits home for me! I was once at my brother’s graduation party and my mom had bought a cake from Costco for the party and when they cut the cake I said I didn’t want any but thank you and my aunt said “What? Don’t you eat cake anymore?” while rolling her eyes…and that same aunt said at my Grandpa’s 80th birthday party that I “must” have a piece of his birthday cake and I politely said “No thank you”. On the other hand I have a very good friend that understands how I choose to eat and will always make silly comments to me about how she knows I wouldn’t eat it, but she had some ice cream the other night and she’s ok with what she eats and what I eat. Then I also have another friend that has not said anything to me, but I feel like she might think I judge her when she tells me she made her daughter a birthday cake for on her birthday “day” then when the family comes over the next day she has a big Costco cake for her and the family. I wasn’t always such a healthy eater like I am now and Lord knows, I like to indulge in some hot wings and a ice cold beer every now and then, so I completely understand the struggles and guilt some people have.
Thanks for sharing this post! It’s something we all need to read and remember.
Bev
I’m so glad that you addressed this issue of choices of food causing divisions among women! As a university professor of nutrition who also worked in rural mountain counties trying to teach healthy eating, I have heard every excuse for poor eating habits. Childhood and adult obesity are epidemic in the U.S., as is Type 2 Diabetes in children and adults, and heart disease in adults. Children and adults acquire Type 2 Diabetes by obesity, which is caused by eating too many calories and not enough exercise. It’s also caused by eating too much sugar, refined carbs, and processed foods that turn to sugar in the bloodstream. So many people, even those who are dying from their poor food choices and unhealthy lifestyles, want to argue that their foods are best. I refused to argue, but patiently and prayerfully attempted to educate them about the consequences and the benefits of our choices. Everything I said was backed up by university and medical school research, but the majority chose to continue with their unhealthy lifestyles. The only exception was the children! Yes, when I prepared healthy snacks for 3rd graders, taught them the benefits of healthy eating and exercise, and provided their parents with educational materials, these children really responded favorably. Research proves that we must reach children with the message of a healthy lifestyle, because for many adults it is too late. Back to your initial comments, I believe that food choices causes division between women because of stubbornness and ignorance. Laziness plays a part, too, because it’s so much easier for busy people to stop off for fast food. Food is actually an emotional issue, too. One last thing, I must agree with Jamie’s comment about our bodies being the temple of the Holy Spirit. I understand the context in which Paul writes it. However, thousands of Godly pastors and teachers have applied this to all areas of our lives. The Biblical principle of our bodies being the temple of the Holy Spirit holds true for everything in a Christian’s life.
Brooke
Great post! I l think it’s great to realize that if are all just comfortable with our food decisions, we don’t need to defend or justify them to others.
Patty Snider
I am trying to slowly learn and change my diet, but it is difficult if someone who is further down the path of healthy eating, frequently reminds you of every chemical or bad ingredient you put in your mouth. Yes, the average American diet is terrible, but we need to lead by example, not by pressure or disapproval. I have people I love that eat very poorly. I have found that to say anything, even because I care so much, does no earthly good and causes offense. When and only when they decide to change or when they become ill, will they consider change. We can’t brow beat people into submission. It doesn’t work and it even cause resistance (division) as the article says. It is ultimately between ourselves and God how we choose to eat. The Bible does say when you go into someones home, eat what is served (be gracious). We aren’t to make food another idol whether we eat all organic or eat an unhealthy diet.
Erin
Amen…thanks so much for sharing!
Callie
This is interesting. I agree that food choices are such a hot-button issue in part because of insecurity, but I also think it’s become a bigger issue because of excessive judgement of each other’s choices. Some have mentioned feeling judged for eating healthy, but I think more often the judgement flows the other way. I have been judged before for the dumbest things…like feeding my toddler a snack with a certain ingredient that was “out of favor” with a friend (yes, this friend actually read the ingredient list on a snack that I was feeding my child – I wasn’t even serving this snack to them). It’s one thing to *encourage* someone toward healthy choices, it’s another to belittle or look down on them when the don’t meet your own personal standards. I don’t believe that kind of behavior is showing love to each other, which is so important in this issue because Scripture doesn’t lay out do’s and don’t’s of eating anymore, aside from avoiding gluttony. Thanks for posting this, it’s an interesting discussion!
Holly
This subject has caused issues with my sister. I’m sure she would say that she’s not insecure if she were to read this. Makes for tension at times that’s for sure! I got the eye roll at my nieces recent graduation party when I didn’t want any cake (not only am I trying to eat gluten free but I also wasn’t feeling well), have been lectured about foods I buy, etc.
Erin
I’m so sorry. I really hate that it is like that!