Healthy YouToo many mothers have banded together to take offense at the phrase “Looks like you have got your hands full.” Let’s start a new movement.
by Katie Bennett, Contributing Writer
Today at Target I strode up to the dressing room with a 4-week-old baby strapped to my body, a 2-year-old strapped in the cart whining, and a 4-year-old running in and out of clothing racks and seemingly not comprehending the immediacy with which I was directing her (repeatedly) to come over by me.
A sweet Target employee took extra care to help me back to my room, with all my garments (making an exception to the minimum allowed) and my kid-carrying cart in tow.
She smiled as she cleared the way for me and said, “let’s get you the big dressing room, looks like you have your ha– (faltering, awkward pause), …a full load there.”
She had begun to observe that I had my hands full, but she had stopped short. I instantly imagined what was going on in her mind.
I too had read the blog posts and seen the rally of offended online mothers against this phrase.
But my hands were full.
She then gave me an uncertain glance of apology, to which I responded with a beaming smile of reassurance, letting her know I wasn’t in any way offended by her “near slip” of this obscure statement. Nor was I going to go home to write a ranting blog post that would spread across social media and make more well-meaning strangers insecure about what they can say to young mothers.
As I drove home, the experience stayed with me. It made me sad.
I have now read multiple posts by moms who truly do take offense to this statement. I’ve read lists of tart responses I can rehearse so I’ll know exactly how to put those strangers in their place. Some articles have been harsher than others, but none of them have sat well with me.
I have more kids than hands, so “hands full” is exactly how I feel. And I do appreciate the extra help.
I say, thank you for noticing that what I’m doing here is not easy. Thank you for your smile and friendly comments. I’d like to talk to you about my children. They are my favorite things to talk about, in fact.
Note from Erin:
The author of this post, Katie Bennett, is also the author of a fantastic devotional for moms–Heavenly-Minded Mom: A 90-Day Journey to Embracing What Matters Most. Check out her devotional here.
I say, I wish you didn’t feel you had to walk on eggshells around me, kind stranger, but the fact is, you probably do —and all because too many women have banded together around the idea that they too should be offended by this age-old and almost-always innocent, saying.
Whatever happened to the idea of not being easily offended??
That’s the one I want to rally around.
What happened to the idea of laying aside our own interests and opinions to love others?
What happened to the idea of seeing and appreciating the intentions of these strangers, no matter how their comments might first strike us? And if there’s doubt about those intentions, to give them the benefit in it, rather than assume the worst?
Or what if their tone is truly snide? Even then, should we not extend grace and offer a kind reply?
What happened to the idea of living 1 Corinthians 13?
Or to living with an eternal perspective?
I don’t do this perfectly. Please hear me on that. But this is the message I will choose to spread:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)
We’ve heard from the offended mothers. This is me standing up for the well-meaning strangers.
What’s your reaction to these thoughts? Are you offended by “Looks like you have your hands full”?
How will you work to create a sense of sanctuary in your home this week? In which of these areas do you most need to grow?
Hi! I’m Katie. I’m a stay-at-home mom of four, and I live a life devoted to Jesus. I love to write, and I focus my energy on living simply and well. You may enjoy my devotional, Heavenly-Minded Mom: A 90-Day Journey to Embrace What Matters Most. I’m fairly new to the blogging world, recently launching a blog called Embracing a Simpler Life where I write about eternal perspective, being a wife and mama for the glory of God, and simple, intentional living. Come check it out!
Claire
It reminds me of a situation when I first became a mother. I unfortunately had to work fulltime when my son was a baby. One time I innocently told a stay-at-home mom that she was lucky to be able to be home with her kids, and she got offended. I didn’t say it with a derogatory tone, and I certainly wasn’t implying that taking care of kids all day is easy. And I was well aware that many stay-at-home moms are only able to be home because of making major financial sacrifices, among other sacrifices. But the truth was that for me in my situation at the time, no amount of sacrifice would have allowed me to stay home, and when I finally was able to quit my fulltime job, I felt like the luckiest woman in the world to be able to spend so much time with the baby who I had waited for so long. Anyway, I think people sometimes develop negative associations with certain phrases based on their own experiences, so that they get offended even when someone uses the phrase with an innocent intent.
Katie Bennett
You make a great point Claire. We need to have grace to not take offense, but when someone does take offense at an innocent comment, we need to have grace for them too! Thanks for reading.
Christine
I know what you mean. I would love to be a SAHM but I can’t afford it, and even while working, daycare is hard enough to afford. Not to mention the diseases babies get from there.
Melody Maynard
I think that this post is especially helpful for those of us who haven’t joined the “mommy team” yet. I never know what to say to new moms, or moms in general. Even when I express my desire to have a large family, I’m often met with “Wait until you have one” as if I’m implying that their job is easy . . . It ends up being an offensive experience on both sides. Thanks for extending grace instead 🙂
Katie Bennett
I’ve quit saying it too, but I’m sad it’s come to that. It’s not meant to be an offensive phrase… but thus the tide has turned.
Rachael
How can we help the overwhelmed mom that has her hands full? I know when I walk through a store with my six children or sit in a restaurant with my large family, I can feel the eyes. I can hear whispers. Honestly I would prefer no one commented. I would suggest we offer kindness and any gesture of help. I know, I know what my heart feels each time I’ve been discouraged. And I also know what my heart feels like when someone was just kind just because. So I ask how can you help that mom whose got her hands full? I ask that you offer kindness.
Jessica W
While I like to think that I don’t become easily offended, this statement of the obvious does sometimes annoy me. I have 4 kiddos, ages ranging from 8 to 19 months. Yes, I do have my hands full, more than full most days.
I think that why women have rallied around this statement as being offensive is because often times it makes the mom who is hearing it in question feel like she is inadequate and not doing a good job in her calling as mother. I know that often when I have heard this for the tenth time in the same store, it gets a little old. And I have to stop, and look at my kids. To me, they are just being kids. But saying that I have my hands full, or how busy I must be, indicates that my children are out of control monsters that aren’t being properly handled. They are not. They are being children. I am just as “busy” as a mom with one child might be.
So, while I smile politely on the outside and thank the person for their thoughts, inside it makes me doubt my ability as a mother. I do believe that people should get a thicker skin and extend a love toward our brothers and sisters in everything. Sometimes though it could be best if instead of stating how busy I must be, if they are concerned, lend a hand. It sounds like that woman that helped you did just that. I wish that others would do the same and not make us doubt the job that we are doing with innocent meaning words. Sometimes moms need to hear what a great job they are doing with what they are trying to juggle, not how full our hands are with the tasks that God has called us to do.
vmm
really? you’d rather someone offer to help you? to me, that would be more likely to mean that they think you really can’t do it on your own than if they just say “your hands are full.”
and as a mom of only 2 children, I was also surprised that you said that you’re not necessarily busier than a mom of one:) Around moms of more kids, I usually feel like they’re saying that my problems/stress is minor since they have “so many” kids to “deal” with all day…
I just think its sad that we’re all walking on eggshells …about every thing!
Jessica W
If you were to see that I could use a hand, like the poster stated and offered to carry something for me or help me in some way……yeah, I would take it and not think twice about it. LOL I am not to proud to accept help. But when you say how “full” my hands are with my kids, I guess I look at it as a way of politely saying my kids are out of control and that is why they are so full.
And I don’t care how many kids you have, we are all busy. I have never met a mom who isn’t sometimes at some point feel like she is losing it, regardless if she has one kiddo or ten. Having more kids doesn’t necessarily make me busier and I would never assume that your struggles are minor compared to mine because I have more people to care for. I am sure we all struggle……we mommas need to stick together and be told what a great job we are doing, and if needed offer help along the way.
vmm
I guess I have never thought of the “hands full” comments meaning any more than keeping you busy so hopefully you can rest easier now seeing that a lot of people(if not most) who say it really are innocently noticing the excitement of kids that you get to have in your life at this point…unless they’re rolling their eyes at the same time as saying it, I think you should convince yourself that they are impressed by your ability to shop, or whatever, with kids along…we all know that that is not easy! 🙂
have a great day and keep up the good work and attitude!
Mysti G
I completely agree Jessica, I have three little ones, and hear this multiple times, a day. It really makes me stop and look at my children and think “Are they really being that bad?” It makes me feel as if they think I can’t handle them.
Katie Bennett
The funny thing is, THE DAY after I wrote this post I was in a small restaurant and hear this phrase four times in about a minute. And if I’m honest, it did make me feel a bit overwhelmed. I was glad that I had the opportunity to really practice what a preach, but it definitely gave me insight into why this phrase creates the reaction it does. I do understand what you’re saying, and I think it’s cool that you are able to respond politely despite feeling notched down by it.
Clair
This surprised me, having never read or come across the “offended” blog posts. Every time I go out with my two little ones, I fully expect that someone will say “you’ve got your hands full!” It’s never sounded offensive to me . . . obvious, maybe 😉 . . . but usually said in a tone of either nostalgia, friendliness, or perhaps even envy. I think, as you said, it really comes down to whether or not we are easily offended. I witnessed this when an older gentleman commented positively on a rather energetic little girl in a restaurant. His intent was clearly to support and encourage the mother, but she looked at him with so much fury on her face it stunned me.
I hope people will keep commenting on my hands being full. Despite how often I hear it, I love it!
vmm
I totally agree! especially the nostalgia part!
Katie Bennett
I agree! I live in the Midwest, and it I never sense ill-will with this phrase. However, I know that’s not true for everyone everywhere. None-the-less, we choose whether or not we’ll take offense, and everyone is better off when we don’t!
Kate
I am in the same boat as you (4 yo, 2yo and infant), and it doesn’t occur to me to be offended when people make comments like that. Most people are just admiring my family and want to engage with us…because it reminds them of when their kids were young, or because they think they are cute, etc. And most days I do “have my hands full.” It seems silly to be offended by this when we have so many bigger issues facing our country these days.
Katie Bennett
Good point!
Christina
I’m a big family mom (11 kids). These sorts if comments no longer bother me. I see it as an opportunity to share Christ. I blogged about this very thing awhile back.
http://christinafredricks.com/?p=114
Christina
In fact, about 14 years ago after hearing the “hands full” comment so many times we registered it as the domain name for our personal family website. 🙂
Katie Bennett
That’s awesome!
Beth Cranford
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I’m so glad someone finally wrote this post!
I don’t have a lot of children (wish I did but we only have 2) so I couldn’t write it. But honestly, we christians are getting offended over a lot of things and it needs to stop. It seems like we wear our life choices (large family, breast feeding, stay-at-home-mom, homeschooling, home-birth, you name it) as a badge of courage, and–Heaven forbid–a sign of superiority. (Not that these are exclusively christian choices but many christians do choose them.) When someone doesn’t understand, we get offended and write blog posts “To The Woman at Target Who…”
Really? I don’t know that the woman at Target is reading our blogs. But she may be reading our attitudes of self-righteousness and our inability to engage in friendly, surface conversation with a stranger.
Maybe the person making the comment actually meant to insult you. So what? Who cares? They don’t know you, they don’t get a vote. Just return their ugliness with kindness and move along. I can’t see any other way to “win them over”–if that is indeed our goal, and you get to walk away with a peaceful heart. (When I say “You” I mean anyone in this situation.)
I don’t usually ramble like this in a comment; sorry for that. I guess your post struck a nerve.
Thanks for writing it, I’m happy to see someone helping to turn the tide in this area.
Katie Bennett
Thank you so much Beth! I agree with you whole-heartedly and I look forward to checking out your blog!
Lauren
It certainly doesn’t offend me to have someone say I have my hands full…I do! I have a 5, 3, and 1 year old. It’s not easy, but my hands were empty for 6 years due to infertility, so I’m more than happy to have someone notice my “full” hands. 🙂
Katie Bennett
It’s funny how perspective changes things. Sometimes I get the martyr-mentality with motherhood, but my mom never had it, that’s for sure. She didn’t get married until her 30’s and felt so blessed to be able to have children. Thanks for sharing.
Lori
Lauren,
I totally agree with you. I suffered through infertility (miscarriages and stillbirth) and am soooo grateful I GET to raise three kids. But I’m no more special now than when I had none, “only” one or “just” two. Does three make me more special because I’m busier? No, it’s not a contest. I have just been blessed with three because that’s what we planned and felt right for us.
To me women who have their kids close together (2 years or less) are the lucky ones because there must have been no infertility to endure. No stillbirths to bury or miscarriages to mourn. My three are nine years apart and best friends. Doesn’t mean I had it any easier with them spread apart.
If someone takes offense when they hear they have their hands full, then it’s probably because they know the kids are too close together, are misbehaving or they selfishly had too many. I am so tired of hearing women complain they are too busy because they have so many children. Don’t they understand they see blessed?! Let them deal with infertility and complain about having none!
Obviously a sore point with me since I went through so much to get my children.
Kristen @ Smithspirations
We have five children and are expecting our sixth. When someone mentions that I have my hands full, and they are saying it in a kind way and with a heart to either help or encourage me, I can really appreciate the comment. It doesn’t offend me. And you’re right, going out with all five isn’t easy!
However, I’ve unfortunately started to hear this said in a not so kind way as our family size has grown. I think it’s still more of the exception and not the rule, but it has certainly become more frequent. I still try to not be offended at the comment, but I do have a list of responses that I can say to try to spin their words in a positive way (and yes, I did write a blog post on it! 🙂 ). My children are listening, and I want them to be absolutely confident that we are in no way burdened by their presence in our family. I also want the person commenting to know that I find a lot of joy in my large family.
Katie Bennett
That is great Kristen! Way to prepare your heart to keep it positive!
Jen
I agree. It’s not so much that it offends me but that I want to reflect to the world and more so my children that they are a blessing!!! And that our hands are full but with good Kingdom work.
I think what bothers most moms is that this is all we generally hear. People have no hesitation to mention your full hands but are not do quick to offer help or to offer just a compliment or word of encouragement that your hard- full work is a gift and blessing to be seen. I don’t think people would be as easily offended if they also heard comments like ” press on”, ” your doing great”, “God’s grace will sustain you” ” pouring out your life is such a gift to your children” & maybe even an occasional “you are a rock star!!”
Lori
Why should us mothers who don’t have as many children as you call you a “rock star”? It was your choice to have that many so it’s up to you to take care of them. It’s not a contest to see who can have the most and get the most accolades. If you can’t keep up with all the kids, then stop having them and do them a favor to be there for the ones you do have. You are incredibly blessed. Until you’ve heard you may not have any kids, you will never understand how it hurts when someone with ” so many” feel overwhelmed when it’s a choice they made.
We don’t choose infertility and the pain we endure.
Liz
Yes, thank you. People get way too offended when others try to be kind to them
Katie Bennett
You are so welcome!
Brenda
Wow, this is the first time I’ve heard that the phrase “You have your hands full!” is something not to be said to mothers who obviously have their hands full. As a mom of 7 (all now raised, except for the youngest who has multiple disabilities and will always live with us), I can say that I took all of my children to the mall and the grocery store by myself, and I got many looks and also many comments including “My, you have your hands full!” To which I would nod in agreement every time. Usually the comment came from some gracious angel who was holding the door (or sometimes multiple doors) for me as I entered with a double stroller, a newborn strapped to my chest, and 4 littles hanging onto the sides of the stroller. I was so appreciative of those dear door-holding-angels, that they could have said just about anything to me as long as they were smiling and holding a door. I had also had numerous people go through the door ahead of me and allowed the door to close just as I got to it. Usually those individuals were young and most likely childless, and had their faces staring at their phones, oblivious to the desperate young mother in need of help behind them. And I’m assuming the ones who held the doors and made the comments knew exactly how difficult it was to get into a mall that at the time didn’t have automatic doors with strollers and young children. I wonder why this comment is now seen to be offensive, when it used to mean sisterhood!!! Just one mother acknowledging how difficult it can be to another mother. People need to lighten up! I wonder if it’s because society has told us women that “we can have it all” and “we can do it all”, so therefore anyone telling us we have our hands full, must mean that “we can’t handle it all”. Ridiculous! I appreciate those people who took their eyes off their phones and themselves long enough to help and yes to comment. 🙂
Katie Bennett
Let’s bring back the sisterhood of it! I love that and agree!
Joelle
The door holder angels! Thank God for those people…:)
Barb
I know this is an older post, but I have to respond! It is also the very first time I’ve heard that “Wow–you have your hands full.” is an insulting phrase! I’m so surprised! I’m in my mid-60’s, had two children because that’s all I felt I could take care of and manage after being an only child myself, and have 4 grandchildren. I say that phrase not regularly but occasionally to a mom with a lot of kids struggling in the store and never dreamed that I was in some way insulting her. I felt like I was acknowledging her hard work, patience and skill with children. And my amazement that she could do it–as I knew I couldn’t have.
I’m the door opener, helper with groceries, reacher of things off tall shelves because I’m tall and can get them or from the front of the handicap cart basket, and anything else I can do for both young moms and older or worse off people than me. I love to help people and admire those that can take a large family through the store without total chaos. As far as I care, there are moms who don’t control one child as well as moms that have four with them who are just going along and helping their mom or checking things out. I don’t care to have kids tearing all over the store screaming, pushing and climbing shelves, but it has nothing to do with the number in the family and all kids will be kids as far as fussing, crying, etc.
Now I feel like I will be double-thinking myself when I start to say that when it was an easy compliment and sharing of motherhood before. It never would have occurred to me that being friendly and trying to give a little support to a very busy mom would be insulting! I read a lot of the comments here–ended up here after seeing the title and wondering about it–and I agree, there is no longer the camaraderie and friendliness between people in public places anymore, or even in neighborhoods.
It’s really, really sad that people can’t accept a friendly remark at face value or even just be friendly to others. I also share the dislike of having people practically run into me because their face is in their phone, including when I’m riding my bike and they are too–and those who can’t get through a dinner time without the phone. I’m just an old lady that misses the old times I guess.
Courtney
While I am really not one to be offended easily, this phrase drives me crazy! I don’t think that I necessarily find it offensive, but I do see it as someone pointing out my parenting faultS. I have 4 littles-8,4,2 and 1and I hear this constantly. It usually comes from an older (and very possibly well meaning) stranger at the store where my children are tired of shopping and ready to go home. I usually take the comment as the stranger wondering why on earth I had as many children as I did, because they are cranky and crying. I love my children, and they are very well behaved for the most part, but they are children. They do get tired and bored and annoyed that we have to stay at target waiting in line to check out. If someone feels the need to comment on a family, how about simply “what a beautiful family you have”
Brenda
LOL, it must be the difference in the generations. My comment is just above yours and may help to explain why todays moms are offended by well meaning older moms. 🙂
Jessica W
I made a comment up at the top Brenda and I do think it is generational. Or something to that nature. I think that a lot of it has to do with how family size is portrayed in society nowadays also. Like Courtney, I also have 4 kids and it seems the more kids you have now, the more people can judge you for those choices.
I have pretty much heard it all, from how busy I am, how full my hands are, how I am killing the planet by overpopulating it……that was a fun day! I think it is how the comment is said and how it can come across to the momma in question. I do agree that it would be nice to hear what a nice family you have if a comment must be made, instead of stating the obvious, that with multiple children that your hands are indeed, full. It sounds like when you got those comments it came with some help, which is awesome. That isn’t always the case lately unfortunately.
Aly
I feel this, though it is refreshing to hear the other side of it from women who really are trying to be supportive. Of all the things to say like, “They’re so cute!” “You have your hands full,” just seems… lazy in a way. And it does usually happen to me when the kids are acting crazy. I have always taken it as, YOU are obviously struggling with all these kids,” and maybe an implied “Why do you have so many it looks unnatural.” 😅 but that could definitely be my insecurity as a mother talking.
Cat @ MaryMarthaMama
I appreciate your perspective and I think it really as to do with the fact that the phrase in question (like any other words) can be said with a variety of meanings. I’ve had it said to me more than a few times with my boys and I have to say sometimes it’s said in a judgmental way and sometimes it’s said in a way that is meant to be sympathetic, to say as you say “I see that what you do is hard.” I think that because a lot of times we as young mothers have had judgmental things said to us we take it that way. I don’t reply sharply or anything like that, but I tend to say some variation of this- “I do. But I’m so thankful because my hands could be empty.” And it’s truly how I feel. Many friends have lost babies or struggled with fertility and I really am thankful for my 2 rambunctious, keep-me-on-my-toes boys.
Katie Bennett
That is perfect Cat. I don’t mean to say that this phrase can’t be said or intended hurtfully, but just that we should choose to respond in grace, even in the hard moments. It sounds like that’s exactly what you do. Thanks for extending the conversation and for your perspective.
Marnita
I never understood why this was a bad thing to say. I have always had it said to me. I was nine when my nephew was dropped off at my parents house. Being the only one home I got the job of watching him most. From the time I was young it was know I brought kids with me every where. (I have 13 nieces and nephew most were born before I got married) As a young mom I was also seen with not only my four kids but a number of others with me every where. I chose to have my hands full, I chose to put my time into the kids. Sometimes it feels like they are two full others it is easy. I always took the comment as a praise, supportive thing.
Katie Bennett
More than likely, that’s exactly how it was intended I would say. So good! Enjoy those kids! Ever since my third was born (8 wks ago), I have this feeling like I’m abundantly rich. Hands full to me is taking on more of a meaning of treasure than anything. And with that Baby#3, the amount I hear this phrase is exploding, so I’m glad I have that meaning to attach to it!
Aunna
I have only two children (Only! ha!) and have started receiving the comments. I always reply with as big of a smile as I can muster and say “Yes! Full of blessings!” its my opportunity as a Christian to share my mission field – motherhood!
The hardest thing for me to do so far is accept the kindly offers of help. God is teaching me humility in a different area of my life that I have been thus far been unable to do. I do have my hands full of blessings, and I do need help, and I am so thankful to the Lord for placing people in my path who have offered me help on so many occasions. Whether its help from my husband, or the cart collector at a grocery store. =)
Katie Bennett
That is a good point. It’s very hard for me to accept help from strangers because I worry I’ll put them out. But it is a step of humility to receive it, and a blessing for them too. Thanks for sharing!
marseille
Thank you for your post. I love it when people say “you have your hands full” because they are acknowledging my hard work. I have 5 kids. When the twins were born, the oldest was almost 9, plus a difficult 4 yr old & my daughter was 21 months. Who knew after a few years of unexplained secondary infertility & miscarriages, I would have spontaneous twins! I love it now! (But I was so scared when I found out.)
MrsLB
I love this article! This world has become too sensitive and assumptive (is that a word, haha). I think we all need to back up a minute. Why are the ones feeling offended “assuming” that the person making the comment is actually criticizing or implying your kids are out of control? Is this a reflection of how you are really feeling? And if so, EVERY SINGLE MOM out there feels this way at some point or another, this doesnt mean you go around assuming the worst of people or use their words as an opportunity for you to vent. Regardless of the comment being genuine or not, if they are really being nice (95% of the time they are), can you imagine what they think of YOU after they were nice to you (body language says a lot). That person will definitely be left with the thought of “what did I do or say wrong?, kick me for being nice”. I always assume someone is being nice until they have crossed the line, everyone should assume that, otherwise you are just another person criticizing someone else for their actions, which is why we are on this subject in the first place. Even if they are being an a$$, that doesnt mean you follow them in response, NOR do you allow them to make you feel any less than the awesone mom you ARE, you dont need anyones approval so dont let ANY comment good or bad make you feel bad about doing your job!!
Katie Bennett
Thanks MrsLB! I agree with you– “I think we all need to back up a minute” is the perfect way to put it. Everyone take a deep breath and relax! 🙂
Lynn
I am 62 and when I was a mother with three small children, I never said no if someone offered to hold the door or get something off a high shelf or other help, it was all gladly received. But now I rarely offer help or even comment on how cute someone’s baby is because they get so mean and snotty, glaring at me like I’m a bad person!!
A very sad reflection on how far our country has fallen in 30years.
Sarah Lee
I have 5 boys age 1 to 11 years I often have my hands full what with children their friends and their stuff and always appreciate a bit of extra help or a supportive smile most people mean well and are probably thinking I couldn’t do what she’s doing, so I think take the help where you can if it gets you a bigger changing room or your own pay desk all the better
Just Plain Marie
Moms are getting offended by this? I have a 7 year old with Aspergers, hyperactive 5 year old, a 2 1/2 year old and a 13 month old.
Heck, yes, I’ve got my hands full. LOL Better full hands than empty arms. As I’m writing this – I woke early and got online, and my 2 1/2 year old daughter came out, had her diaper changed and crawled up on my lap to fall back asleep.
Yes, definitely, my hands are full. And I love it.
Stephanie
I think my issue with this statement has to do more with when it is heard. I never hear it when my 5 children are being quiet and still. Because they are little, quiet and still is not a common occurrence. It’s only when they are acting their age or having a hard time or getting a little silly. That statement makes me feel judged and inadequate in those times. I am sure that I am reading way too much into what people are saying, but I feel defensive when I hear it and they aren’t being “perfect.” When my children are quiet and still, I hear a version of how well behaved they are and what a good job I’m doing. When they are playing and being silly, even outside, I hear how I have my hands full. I think when I hear that statement leads me to be defensive about it, not the statement itself. Add to that mix a child with a sensory processing disorder, who has above average meltodwns, and the inadequacy I feel starts taking over. When I hear that statement when he’s come undone, I’m usually ready to dissolve in a puddle of tears.
Also, I worry about how it makes moms with less children feel. It’s hard taking one three year old to the grocery store. Your hands are completely full with one. They are full with two, three, or twelve. Chaos is always your number and we are all doing hard work.
Lori
I couldn’t have said it better myself! It doesn’t matter how many have! I found the having one was much harder because I had to be mom and playmate to him. When his sisters came along, he had playmates and I got a break! Three was definitely easier than one and when you “only” have one you have to endure the “when are you going to have another one” question.
We can’t win either way, but for me three was enough. Anymore felt selfish to me – my personal opinion – and I didn’t need to feel special because I had more and could lament I was busier than the mom with less kids than me.
Amanda Brandon
I think it’s funny how often I get this statement with my 2 under 2 and 6 year-old. I just reply with “full of blessings.” I chose this path as the one God wants me to follow. While it’s hard and sticky, it’s so fun and full of love. I wrote a humor piece about it on my blog recently because I found my aunt and uncle’s disaster poise so comical. But seriously, it’s not worth getting offended over. It’s worth using as a reminder that this is eternal work of the best kind.
http://aworkofgod.com/2015/03/20/yeah-ive-got-my-hands-full/
Lisa Appelo @TrueandFaithful.net
My 7 kids are now growing so I don’t hear that phrase much anymore but I heard it plenty when they were littles. And I loved it frankly! I did have my hands full and it was said most often by an older mom/grandmom who was probably wistfully thinking back to her days of full hands. It’s a bridge, a connection usually that a stranger is trying to make and acknowledge. No one was ever snarky so perhaps that colors my reaction to the words. But truly, I LOVED having hands full. What a blessing.
Yves
Amen to that!
Well said!
Tiffany
I can see where you are coming from and know what you’re talking about. I’m a mother to 11 kids and while some people are well meaning, many mean it in a offensive way.
I got so many comments and stares this Saturday while trying to do my grocery shopping. My oldest daughter who is 16 and I were going through the store while my 12,8,6,6,4,3,almost 2 year olds were in buggies are holding on to the buggy. Had my 9 week old in a Ergo. (18 yr old sons were with their dad) everyone was being VERY WELL behaved.
Anyway, a older lady came by and when she found out they were all mine said,”Don’t you know when to STOP”. She caught everyone around us attention and continue with her comments and disgust. Other comments were made in that store too.
So while some people are easily offended , many are not. Just tired of constantly getting comments. Those on both sides need to have a little more grace.
Rachel @ Engineering a Joyful Family
I can’t speak for everyone, but as a mother who dreams of having a large and beautiful family like that (husband does too!), I have to say that it is such a blessing to hear about. I know it is common for people to not quite understand that desire and I hope your family is guarded against things like that. You at least have one family who appreciates you here!
Lori
If you are tired of getting comments that 11 are too many, then maybe you need to listen because 11 is too many. I see women having that many children so they have someone to love them, don’t want to be alone, etc.
If you “need” that many then please adopt or be a surrogate to a woman who can have any children.
You just have especially easily pregnancies, which is a blessing, because my pregnancies just about killed me and did ruin my health.
Rachel @ Engineering a Joyful Family
I love this post! I think the sentiment here is something a lot of people need to read and understand. My Pastor often warns against the offense mentality that is running rampant in our generation. It is unfortunate that somewhere along the line we were taught that if someone thinks in a different way than we do that they are against us. One of the best things for our marriage was learning to assume that the other is for us and not against us, even if they hurt our feelings! I think this applies across the board. I often remind myself if I am feeling offended, that likely these people do not mean to be rude. I can’t speak for every situation but I think we would benefit from thinking that way as a whole. Thank you for putting this to words for us!
Laura
What a fantastic point – the assumption that if someone thinks differently from us, they are against us. We would all be well served to reflect on that in many areas of our lives. I’m always surprised how often I hear people say “I was so offended by . . .” and I think, really? offended? Good to think about!
Christine
I didn’t even realize people took offense that phrase since I never took offense to it. If someone said that to me, I’d more than likely agree as I always feel my hands are full whether it be with kids, work, school, or house chores. I feel like I do it all sometimes. I don’t mind if they want to help either.
Jean | DelightfulRepast.com
This is the first I’ve heard of mothers being offended by “Looks like you have your hands full!” I’m quite stunned. But then I’m pretty hard to offend, as I like to immediately assume people have good intentions. I would simply respond with a big smile and “I sure do!” and be on my way.
The world is going to be an awfully cold place when we are all so worried about offending someone that we go about our lives not speaking, smiling or even looking at the people we encounter.
Molly
I too have never heard that people were offended by this phrase! I hear it all the time when I’m out with my three little boys, but I always smile and say “Full of fun!” because while it certainly doesn’t offend me, I want my boys to always hear that they are a delight rather than a burden.
Jill
Amen to being less sensitive about every little thing. I was in high school when this whole “politically correct” mindset began spreading. I’ve seen “you have your hands full” said to moms with 6 and moms with only 1. It’s just something chit chatty and friendly to say – no different than talking about the weather or last nights ball game.
I think before we react to a comment we need to take two seconds to assess the intent. When, for example, an older lady calls me “honey” her intent is quite different from the guy calling it out to me from his car as I walk down the street. Same comment from each, but I’d give the older lady a pass and give the piggish man a reaction that is anything but sweet.
Let’s analyze before we react!! Great post!
MandyMandy
*head in hands* I wanted to hate this blog post because I AM offended by that statement…but as I read your blog post, I realized I am offended because I’m prideful. And that pride needs to take a time out and sit by the wayside, observing Grace in all her Glory.
Thank you for writing this. I’ve been humbled.
Julie
I guess I am very hard to offend. As a mother of 4 children, ranging in age from 13 years down to 18 months, two of whom are disabled, I have heard this phrase more times than I could ever count. Not once have I been offended. The Lord has filled my hands and my heart so full that sometimes I have a hard time keeping up with it all. I am not offended by my human-ness, and I am not offended by anyone else acknowledging it, either. I am definitely outnumbered, and it is obvious. If someone were to see me carrying a few bags of groceries, and were to make the same comment, am I supposed to be appalled at their distasteful boldness or smile politely, nod in agreement, and thank them as they hold the door? I am much more offended by someone assuming I CAN do it all by myself than those that assume I may need a hand. There used to be a time when women helped each other without being asked or offended because every one of them KNEW how hard it is to be a mother of ANY amount of children. It really does take a village. Why would one assume that someone pointing out that you seem to be carrying a full load on your own would be doing so with ill intent? We are building walls around ourselves with our own insecurities during a time in our lives when we should be building bridges. We push each other away when we should be pulling in closer. Most people who mention how full your hands are just may be remembering a time when theirs weren’t so empty, or simply wondering how you do it so well. Unless someone is obviously being rude, why do some insist on being rude first?
Kerrie
I had 4 beautiful girls in five years. I always responded to this statement by saying ‘Yes, I do have my hands full….full of blessings.’ That is truly how I felt, and it often gave my an opening to share Christ with folks, as He is the source of the blessings!
Brittany @ Equipping Godly Women
Agreed!! Some people get SO offended so easily. Really, who cares? People are just trying to make small talk. It’s nothing to get upset over.
Maggie
I was out grocery shopping the other day. I try to put My 5 month old’s car seat in the back of the grocery cart and then I put toddler in the front of the cart. Groceries go all around them and under the cart too. This works especially well with the super sized carts at Costco. So I find myself going to Costco a couple times a month. My husband, being the amazing husband and father that he is, goes out after the kids are in bed to grab whatever else we’ll need for the week.
My plan fell through last week and my baby started crying in his car seat about halfway through my grocery list. So I took him out and held him while pushing the cart around to grab a few more items. I felt blessed when I got up the the register because there wasn’t a line and two women working there helped unload my cart. As I was walking out of the store, a woman said, “it looks like you’ve got a handful”. Aaron was still in my arms and I was pushing my cart with my sweet jabbering away 2 1/2 year old. I smiled and said, “yes, literally I do”. I felt acknowledged. For the longest time later that day I thought I should have asked for her help. Maybe she would have helped me out my groceries in my car. I was not offended in the least. I appreciate being acknowledged, and I wonder if it could be an opportunity to ask for help instead of doing it all myself. Allow myself to receive love and kindness in the moment.
erickajen
i hadnt even heard of the “outcry” against this phrase! i mean, its literally true!! how could anyone get offended over something that is literally true? i only have 2 (currently) but my hands are full, and have been since my first was born. we are all just trying arent we? we are all struggling one way or the other, one day or every.
wow.
Maggie Squarepennies
Thank you for this post and all the comments are wonderful too! I’m a mom of four and grandma of six. I have always said the phrase as a way of acknowledging how difficult being a mom is. I loved being a mom but it is not easy! What can I say that is encouraging?
Kim B
I love this article! I have 4 kids (9, 6, 3, and 1) and my hands are definitely full! When someone says to me “looks like you have your hands full,” I smile at them and say “every day!” I do have my hands full. Every day.
bella
I am a mom to 1 and I was out for a walk with my daughter and passed by a mom looking after 4. Without thinking I said Wow Looks like you have your hands full! It wasn’t meant as a derogatory comment and I was not aware of the debate with this phrase. In return I received a cold stare down and odd chuckle. I knew I said something wrong and wished I hadn’t said anything. When I said it I was thinking wow I think it’s really hard to have one child and it’s really amazing that your able to keep up with 4. (something I couldn’t even imagine at the time). Also I was just hoping to strike up a conversation. It’s too bad this woman assumed the absolute worst about my thoughts. I did not think anything bad about this woman at all when I said it and I was very sorry that is was received that way. I hope this story will open the eyes to some of the mom’s who take offenses to this phrase. I have learned not to say this, I ‘ll never say it again for fear of offending.
Leah
I love this post so much! It’s hard to keep up with the list of things that are ok or not ok to say to people! This has probably led to my bad habit of repeating what I said over and over again to see if it might have offended someone. If we truly want to honor diversity, we have to accept that people might say things that we find offensive. I’ve found that thinking about the heart behind the statement helps me to understand if someone is saying something rude or just making conversation. I hope that people can have grace for the things I say, too!
Heather Gibson
I came across your article while researching this phrase for a book I’m writing. I’m not offended by it, but writers are encouraged to limit the use of such stock phrases. With that being said, I cannot begin to tell you how appalled I am that offense over a simple phrase has become an issue. Do people seriously have the time to make these things an issue? What has happened to humanity that we feel the need to express offense over a harmless comment? I wonder sometimes at the overwhelming amount of insecurity people display. We really need to toughen up, or how will we handle the truly big issues of life? And what is truly gained by the actions of people who make a point of banding together against . . . words??? It’s as if any form of communication and connectivity between people is under attack.