Healthy FamilyChoosing when children get cell phones is very important – a more important decision than many parents treat it.
By Jessica, Contributing Writer
If you have children, at some point you will have to answer the questions: Will they have cell phones? At what age? What kind of parental controls or restrictions will we use? (Or, you have already had to answer these questions!)
I’m grateful to Erin for letting me share our family’s perspective on this (very controversial) issue. Before we dive into it, I want to say a few things:
- This isn’t a life or death issue. There are some issues that are life and death. My son has food allergies. That is a life and death issue. I want my kids to know Jesus. That is a life and death issue. Cell phones are not a life issue. I get that.
- Not having cell phones doesn’t guarantee your children will turn out perfect, nor does having them guarantee they’re ruined, of course.
At the same time, I believe that choosing when children get cell phones is very important – more important than many parents treat it. Often, regrettably, getting a cell phone is just a haphazard decision. Oh, I have a leftover phone … I guess you can have it. Oh, you’re playing on a sports team … I guess you need a phone.
Friends, this decision is HUGE because of the possibilities it opens up. And it deserves long, thoughtful consideration.
As the title indicates, we’ve decided our children won’t have cell phones. First, a little definition of the terms: By “children,” I mean anyone younger than 16. (Though it’s a long ways off, I’d like to even say younger than 18!) And by “cell phones,” I mean smart phones. You can actually still buy a “basic phone” that just texts and calls (I checked!). I hope they’re still available when my kids are older!
But, I firmly believe kids should not have smart phones.
Here is why:
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It is a huge temptation for boys.
Recently I attended a fundraiser dinner for a youth organization. The speaker said he was talking to a teenager and said, “What percentage of your friends do you think look at porn?” The kid said, “100%.” The man looked at him and said, “You realize what you just admitted, don’t you?” The kid held his phone up and said, “Man, I don’t have to go looking for any of that. It just finds me.”
Those of us who did not grow up with a smart phone DO NOT HAVE ANY CONCEPT of what smacks kids in the face via their phones. You might like to think you can prevent a lot of it by using the “media rating systems.” But as one mother recently confided in me, you cannot trust the “rating systems” for apps or sites, because many “good ones” have totally inappropriate ads or content. As a mother of boys, I want to do all that I can to protect them from the destructive addiction of pornography, even if it means that they’re the only ones who can’t Snap Chat or pick their fantasy teams at a restaurant.
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Secondly, it is a huge temptation for girls.
Again, those of us who grew up without phones HAVE NO IDEA what is like to go through your teenage years with social media. One girl explained it like this, “Imagine being able to see EVERY SINGLE THING the guy you like is doing, all day long. Who he’s dating, where he is, what he’s saying.”
There is no “safe zone” anymore. Young women face the temptation to engage in private, erasable chats with guys. They’ve got to stomach the “selfie culture,” facing the overwhelming temptation to display photos of themselves they might regret later. I know I sound like a grandmother – but regrettably, what I am saying is 100% true. Pick up the average kid’s phone and prove me wrong. We can protect our daughters from difficult, adult-level decisions by simply taking away their access to a smart phone.
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Third, technology (although it does much good) is an addiction, and one that I’d like to spare my children from as long as I possibly can.
I recently shared a controversial post entitled, “The Best Gift You Can Give Your Children Is A Technology-Free Childhood.” Many disagreed with me, even some close friends! But I stand by my point.
Technology is addictive and accessible in a way that no other medium prior has ever been. And you probably know this already! A few months ago I felt convicted by my own iPhone use and penned, “The iPhone Is Ruining Your Summer.” This post garnered a resounding “yes” from my readers, even getting reprinted by The Huffington Post.
It is clear – we adults CLEARLY feel burdened by our unhealthy addiction to our phones. Well, imagine being 8, or 13, and having to try to muster up the self-control to master this! If we adults can hardly do it, how are children supposed to?
I know all the objections to kids not having their phones: “It’s safer!” “She needs Google Maps!” “He’s on a team and I won’t know when to pick him up!” “All their friends have them! It would be so hard to say no.”
I see the merit of these claims, and there is no denying it: Yes. In many ways, smart phones are easier. But to me?
Note from Erin: When our oldest child was 13, we decided to get her a Pinwheel phone, which we LOVE. This option didn’t exist back when Jessica originally wrote this now-updated post, but we feel it’s the perfect solution for parents who need a way to contact older children who may be away at sports practices, youth group, etc. who want to continue to shield their children from the dangers of the internet.
What is lost is far greater than what is gained.
When I was 16, I broke up with my boyfriend. I still remember being crouched in the bathroom, snotty toilet paper for tissues, my stomach in knots, my heart breaking. Now, my parents were amazing parents – very involved in my life, plenty of boundaries. However, they did allow us to date. I know this sounds crazy, but in that bathroom, I clearly remembering thinking through the sobs, “Why did Mom and Dad let me go through this?? Why didn’t they tell us not to date?”
And honestly?
I wonder if, deep down, there aren’t more than a few kids grappling with the all-too-adult temptations, pressures, and lures of technology, and they’re wondering it, too…
“Why are Mom and Dad letting me go through this? Why aren’t they doing something?”
Friends, this is NOT an easy decision. I may sound staunch, but I have no judgment. I simply feel compelled to call us all to a greater awareness of the struggles that the Tech Generation is facing. And whatever decision you make, I beg you to think deeply about it. And if you just don’t feel right about it? Just say no. (Read this if you have to.) You have at least one mom on your side!
Sarah
100% Agree! My kids are only 4&7, but people look at me like I have two heads when I say they won’t get a phone until they drive and it will be a flip phone. People tell me that I’ll change my mind, because all of the kids have them now. They clearly don’t know how stubborn I am or what lengths I will go to, to do what I think is best for my kids! They have reasons like sports, etc. And I think “You know you are absolutely right! I had no way of contacting my parents when I was in high school. My parents also had no idea when I would be done with practice, because I didn’t have a cell phone!” Just because society moves in a certain direction, does not mean that I must move in that direction and have no choice in the matter. It’s like I’m suddenly my parents and saying “Are you going to jump off a cliff, just because all of your friends do?” Call me old, I’m ok with that! So many parents my age (37) want to seem hip and cool. You never hear about the Wise YOUNG Owl though, do you… LOL
Jessica Smartt
“The wise young owl” … that cracked me up! 😉 Thanks for commenting!
Jack
Er, boomer, let’s get some stuff out of the way.
Just because you are dinner with the dinosaurs doesn’t mean you know more than another. Age does not equate to wisedom or even experience or skill. So now that’s out of the way, do you even come close to understanding that, without a phone in high or even middle school, your kids will get bullied SO hard. Also, instead of going “all boys watch porn, all girls are on Instagram, no phones”, let’s give our children valid sexual education, stop being sexist, and teach them about why you don’t want them watching porn. Banning cell phone use doesn’t stop cell phone use, it just stops safe cell phone use. Kids are very resourceful, and if they get one from a friend, then they now have access to the entire world,but with no guidelines or boundaries. That’s dangerous. So, give your kid a phone before 7 grade, explain your expectations, stop being sexist, stop assuming that you know more than young people, and also, wise young owls are a thing, here’s a link. https://www.sciencemag.org/news/1998/03/wise-young-owls.
Also how is religion a life or death matter?
Nick
You can’t even spell wisdom correctly, but you feel like you should be lecturing about “wisedom”? Lol.
Jimmy
Wow. You really know everything, don’t you?
Why does your tone snack of hostility and sour grapes?
Also, boomers are like 70 years old, not 35. Not so smart after all, are you?
aw
I think 7th grade is reasonable. We gave our oldest a phone in 7th grade and unfortunately it was because everyone else had one. And she literally felt like an outsider when teachers asked for kids to take their phones out. Unfortunately middle schools allow kids to have phones so that didn’t help.But I’m very happy that she never asked for one before that. She spent her childhood playing everyday with her sisters. I’m still not thrilled about her having a phone but she was at an age where we had plenty of time to talk about the dangers and temptations. So by 13 she was mature and able to make smart decisions. I do hate that she’s less involved with her sisters now but that comes with age and at least she’s not hanging out on the streets. We have to constantly remind her to be mindful of her family and that she needs to pay attention to the people who are around her. And not to let too many phone distractions take away from real life.
Holly Golightly
Dude, calm down. I’m only 23 and I’ve never had a phone before in my life. It won’t get you “bullied SO hard”, that’s stupid, and it makes you more self-reliant not to have a phone. I’ve seen fellow students at my school break down in tears (these are twenty-something-year-old grown adults) because their smartphone died. They really feel like they can’t survive without the phone. When they wake up, it’s in their bed. When they go to bed, it’s in their hands. It’s with them EVERYWHERE. And I literally mean everywhere. Church services, sexual relations, school graduations, fancy dinners, weddings, and yes, even funerals. I feel good as a young person with the money I save by not having a phone, at the reduced ecological impact of choosing not to own a phone, and I feel better about my self-esteem for not pandering to a culture that promotes an increased lack of privacy, shallow sense of identity, short-lived fads and the candy-coated toxicity of social media. I grew up in the digital age, and I watched all the close friends around me gradually fall away, too addicted to their devices suddenly to read print books or go swimming at the lake anymore. All of a sudden, they weren’t the girls I went to summer camp and told ghost stories with, or the boy who used to walk to the Esso for ice cream with me. They were addicts controlled completely by this tiny little thing in their hands, a thing that they can’t function without. They can’t even find a bus route or order food anymore without their phones. And as a digital native who grew up with a Nintendo Wii and a top-of-the-line entertainment system in the house, this new reality scares me. You’re lashing out at this article as if it was written to personally attack you, when it’s simply a parent explaining how they choose to raise their own children. That’s very telling. It’s the same response junkies and alcoholics give when they see a public service ad on TV about keeping your kids safe from street substances. “Don’t you want them to be cool?” “you’re just too old to get it!” “they’ll be bullied if they don’t fit in!” “don’t be so self-righteous!” “it’s a lot of fun!” Give me a break.
Unknown
You are wrong you know how hard it is going through school without a phone you are left out of everything and don’t have a good childhood.
Unknown
Also kids are as fine having a phone at 12 as at 16
Crystal
My kids don’t have phone are doing so much better than most kids. Even the good kids. My daughter thanked me that I was restrictive with her phone. I discussed my concerns about them and proper use. But still waited. My son however will be waiting longer. I consulted teachers and principals. They suggest wait as LONG as possible and skip smartphones. If possible. They even said to avoid social media. One principal suggested to wait for social media until senior year!! Just to learn how to use it before out on their own. Greatest parenting decision ever!
Natasha
This is exactly my viewpoint.. My son is 7 years old and every single day when he comes home from first grade he asks for one. Why? Because several of the parents think it is appropriate to give these undeveloped minds full access to things they cannot really even process. He gets very discouraged but I am firm and I will be. It is not only what he could gain access too but more of the risk of overwhelming addiction. Kids do not need the constant social pressure, the negative influences and constant connection. We already are seeing the mental health declines and lack of appropriate social interaction occurring on and off the internet now and parents need to protect their children. If he has a phone it will be one with limited technology so that it is used only for phone calls/ texts and emergencies. I am happy some other people are thinking long term and critically for the sake of our children and the future.
Mindy
I agree with you as well. We made the mistake of letting our 13 year old buy an iPod when he was 11. It wasn’t long before we confiscated it due to his addiction to it. Our rule now is that they won’t have a phone until they are able to pay the monthly service. It will be a basic phone for calls and texts only. We have friends dealing with texting issues their 13 year old son is having, so I do realize we will still need boundaries with the basic phone as well. I’m still trying to figure out how to handle that aspect…..
Jessica Smartt
Thank you for sharing your experience, Mindy. And goodness…I forgot about the texting issues. I hadn’t even considered that…
Sasha
Make your child put their phone on your kitchen bench when they go to bed (or at any other “no phone” times e.g. meals, family time etc). You will soon get a feel for how many texts they are getting after hours.
I totally agree with the “no phone until you can pay for it”
Manny
Lol they can just turn off notifications or power it off before putting it down
Kyndal
And as parents we know how to turn it back on. Its not rocket science! Kids are not smarter than their parents, and if they are, their parents need to grow up.
Ellen Smith
Kyndal, I think you need to grow up and see the reality of what is going on around you. Today’s kids are much smarter than we give them credit for. For example, my kids have scholarships in medicine and law they are 14 and 11 I know for sure they are much smarter than I am. I do not let them see the sun and they need to study all day. They also have a strict sleep schedule they go to bed at 7:00 and wake up at 8:00. If I catch them up then I put them in the reading cellar for six to seven hours.
Jenni
Totally agree! Excellent blog!
Lisa @ This Pilgrim Life
I think you’ve made excellent points. I remember being heartbroken over my little brother’s struggle with looking at pornography when he was just twelve. I am eight years older than he is and this was before cell phones. Just the dangers from using a desktop unattended. It’s scary what is available to kids through the internet.
However, because it’s so long away (my kids are roughly the same ages as yours) I feel like I can’t make any sort of decision at this point. The phone or no phone question is still about ten years out, and who knows what technology will be like by then. I can’t imagine that things will be less dangerous, but I just think ten years out is such a long time to think I can already say what life will be like by then. Or how we will have all grown and changed. Even so, your points about protecting kids will certainly still be applicable.
Jessica Smartt
Thanks, Lisa ~ You know, I did have those same thoughts about saying all this even though the issue is years away for us. However, I wanted to share for two reasons … One, many parents ARE dealing with it, and I think we all need to have more conversations about what is entailed. And – even though my kids are young, it doesn’t hurt to have an opinion now. I think that’s better than NOT having a stance down the road! Anyway thanks as always for sharing…
Lori
I’d say, again, it all depends on the kids. Fortunately, for now, my kids are quite grounded and very disciplined in what is right and wrong. It’s their nature not to be real rebellious. Thank you Jesus! We have also been quite the yes family, as long as it abides by our moral principals (like no rated R movies), but we model this at home too. I say this because both of my kids got smart phones after 5th grade graduation. Did they need them? No. But mom (that would be me) works full time in the technology industry and is a nerd. I travel alot and dad stays home. I love being able to text them pictures from where I am. Also, it has given me time to teach them the rules of the road starting with Instagram. The first year each of them had an account, the rule was that they couldn’t post pictures of themselves. If they could follow that rule for a year, then they next year they could post whatever. You know what happened? They lost interest. Just like in the Garden of Eden we always want and are intrigued by what we can’t have. I make no apologies nor do I feel guilty giving them smart phones. I also don’t think this is really a controversial topic. It’s a family decision. When you are in public school, kids have access to all this stuff anyway. Though I know a lot of your readers homeschool and I think it is awesome that you are able to and have the desire to do that. 🙂 I just don’t think that giving a child a cell phone is going to result in the ruining of their lives, but it does require that parents be more vigilant and set broundaries. I just consider that training.
Brandi
I completely agree with you Lori! Oh, how I wish I could protect my children from this world we live in but I have had to accept that unless I can create a bubble that only my family lives in for the rest of our lives I have to teach them how to live in this world. My 11 year old wants a phone so bad – everyone has one he says. We say you will get one when you need one which will be sooner than I would like. He already uses a computer but that computer is so locked down with security he can only go to websites that I have approved. I personally would like to have no computers or televisions or phones for my kids but then what happens when they go out into the world to live at 18? The Garden of Eden is a very good example.
Bobbie
I’m not meaning this to any one person but if any child is too sheltered when they turn 18 they are going to go wild. That’s just my opinion. Also I feel that if a child is being too sheltered while being a minor like being a teen then they are probably learning things from the wrong people and are probably looking at one of their friends phones, Or maybe a school computer. My point is if they want to do it they will do it behind your back. So I would try to compromise so I knew what my child was doing.
Rachel Watts
Not all sheltered children are going to go wild when they hit 18. I know because I was pretty sheltered. But even if that were true, I would rather an 18 year go wild than a 14 year old.
Jimmy
So, by your logic, we should saturate young kids with booze, drugs, porn, and all manner of degenerate behaviour… so that they don’t get into degenerate habits at 18. What? How about we don’t train our young children’s’ growing minds to be literally hardwired for cellphone addiction? Isn’t that a better plan? If every smooth brain ape on the planet can use a cell phone … wouldn’t it be beneficial to be the small % of people with other, better skills?
Jessica Smartt
Hi Lori, I do appreciate your perspective, and love that you are training them on how to use social media appropriately.
Jessica
With all respect, children who are obedient and good and not rebellious have some type of sexual or social sin they are tempted by. We all have weaknesses, and Satan sends a customized plan just for us (obviously not just online but in all of life). But the internet has everything available, often things a child wouldn’t have be exposed to until later in life, if at all, and it can be too much for a child to resist these temptations when they are constantly present. (I think it can be too much for adults also, but adults are then responsible for getting themselves the help they need, if they are able.) Also, if we are constantly plugged into distractions, it stifles the creativity that can only happen in boredom, and unable to sit in silence and hear our own minds and God speaking to us. If this is a constant as a child, they will never have experienced this in their lifetime.
I can’t say I know what to do about friends’ devices, though. I would really like to know. This is a major concern of mine. Even with good intentions, kids looking at Youtube, or whatever, can have any type of other video pop up on the side.
Cindy
My children did not get a cell phone till they could afford to pay for one. It is not a necessity and made them want to go to work to earn money. My daughter was 18 before she had her first cell phone. We got an internet phone for the house which was about $35 a year so they could use that. She was asked a while ago when she first got her phone and said it was not a big deal and appreciates why we did what we did. Kids do not need to be non observant of life.
Diana
Love this post! Thank you!!
Jessica Smartt
Thanks! 🙂
Darius
I don’t care aboit the porn. I was watching porn when I was teenager and I don’t think that this is wrong. I wasn’t addicted to it. There are worse things like less time for learning or just hangin with friends in real life. I would like my future kids to have normal life and not cybernetic.
Stacy
Do you hear that? It’s your standing ovation. YES!
Jessica Smartt
XOXO 🙂
Kelli
We finally got our kids basic phones (calling and texting) when they were 12 and 14 when they started getting involved in more activities. We had a long talk about the privilege, and the dangers that were possible. They are very responsible with electronics and we like that we can be in touch wherever they are. We don’t believe they need smart phones until they can pay for them on their own and probably not until they are 18. I think every kid, and every family, is different. Neither of our kids spend much time on the Internet, and though they both have Facebook accounts, they don’t use them much at all.
Pavalisa
I think you have great reasons for what you are saying there is too much out there for these kids today. I have got my daughter a much longed for Iphone for this coming Christmas however the phone itself, though for her use, is my phone. She can play some games on there that I approve and she can call and text take pictures not send them (we’ve already discussed this with my own phone) and no kik, snapchat, facebook, twitter, instagram or any other social media that I may not have named. Extremely restricted, she will have to do her school work, her chores and if she doesn’t do as is expected in her behavior she will not be permitted phone privileges. It seems almost why get it, but she ask to borrow mine regularly and sometimes I am using it and can’t let her plus it will be good if she goes with a friend she still can contact me at will. Her gift will actually be several decorative cases for the phone and the phone I will present for her use as prescribed above. I get the necessity for extreme action in this day and age. She’s a great kid and tells me all the craziness she is witnessing now that she’s at middle school and how much different kids her age have begun to act and speak since moving up to middle school. I think she will do well with these rules, if not the phone will be gone. Thankfully also phones and cellular companies offer a great deal of tracking options so that you can track what your child is looking at, texting, etc. these days and I will be monitoring if for no other reason to ensure it is not being used for bullying as there are so many outlets for bullying these days including texting.
Jessica Smartt
Pavalisa, it sounds like you are doing a lot of things right!
Brenda
My 9 year old grand daughter does not have her own phone but she does use her Mom’s phone to play games the same games she would get on her computer child specific she doesn’t chat or make calls and only uses it inside the house downstairs I do not think there is anything wrong with that woukd I give her one to carry on her own at 9 NO
Richard Freed
Great post! Parents have been led to believe that providing kids smartphones will bring them closer to family and help them become successful. Unfortunately, parents have been deceived on both counts. As a child and adolescent psychologist, kids I work with describe their typical after school schedule as follows: “I come home, grab a snack, and then I’m upstairs on my phone for the rest of the night.” At family gatherings, kids’ heads are down, focusing on their phones, texts, and social media at the expense of engaging with the families they need.
Smartphones also dramatically increase kids’ use of entertainment tech such as online gaming and videos which displace kids’ focus on school. Interestingly, some of the few parents who understand the reality of kids’ smartphone use are tech industry executives who don’t give smartphones to kids until they are later teens, and when they do provide phones set strong limits on them, as I describe in this Huffington Post piece: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/richard-freed/why-tech-execs-dont-rush-_b_8291244.html
Richard Freed, Ph.D.
Author of Wired Child: Reclaiming Childhood in a Digital Age
Jean | DelightfulRepast.com
Richard, why do parents allow their children to behave this way at family gatherings? It’s as if having an electronic device in one’s possession releases one from being required to exercise the most basic social skills and common courtesy. I simply don’t allow anyone — adults or children, family, friends, etc — in my home to indulge in their electronics addiction. It’s MY house and I didn’t cook all week long and go to all this trouble to have a gathering just to have a bunch of people sitting around messing with their phones!
Richard Freed
Jean,
Your question is one I ask myself a lot. Today, there is a remarkably destructive, but widely-accepted tech myth, and that’s the “Digital Native-Digital Immigrant” belief. This belief (you’ll see it in commercials, TV shows, online articles, etc.) suggests that kids are experts with tech simply by growing up surrounded by gadgets, and that their parents are quite clueless about tech, and therefore parents’ proper role is to buy kids lots of devices and walk away. Yet, while kids can easily flip through a phone, parents (because of their more developed brains) can better understand how kids’ tech obsessions hurt their connection to the two most important factors in their life: family and school. So, parents need to step in and provide lots of guidance.
So I like what you’re doing, which sounds like authoritative parenting–the type of parenting most supported by research. It has parents be very loving and involved in children’s lives but also setting high expectations and strong limits. Such parenting promotes kids’ connection with family, which even for teens, is remarkably important.
All the best,
Richard
Jessica Smartt
Hi Dr. Freed, Thank you so much for sharing your comments here. Even though I wrote this post, I’m STILL shocked and saddened at the scene you described. I’ll definitely be reading your article…and perhaps your book 🙂
Jean | DelightfulRepast.com
Jessica and Erin, LOVED this post!
Jessica Smartt
Thank you, Jean!
valerie
We don’t have a landline so my son has had a cell phone since age 10. He’s 12 now and has a smart phone. I have to teach him what’s right and so far so good. I can also check on him at any time. The understanding is as long as he’s under my roof I have his passwords/lock codes. He texts friends about Nerf guns, takes pictures to show how high he climbed in a tree, and looks up definitions of words to help him with homework. But the fact of the matter is we live in a scary world. And in this scary world I need to be able to reach my children when they are home alone, out riding bikes, etc. And I need them to be able to reach me at anytime. With this comes responsibility, I have to monitor them and I have to teach them right from wrong, be more proactive than if they did not have these tools, of course.
Rachel
Such a great post! I couldn’t agree more. My husband and I waited until our son was 14 to get a cell phone and then when he did we made up a contract for the usage. This was a dumb phone that only made calls and texted. No smart phone or internet technology here for the very reasons you mentioned. You can find that version here.
http://www.holy-craft.com/2012/08/teenage-cell-phone-contract.html
Our son is now 17 and has only a few more months at home without parental supervision, so at 16, we allowed him to get a smart phone, which came with a new contract. The only social media he has is instagram (which I am leary about for my daughter and may not allow her to have). He has thanked us more than once for being strict with technology. We call it being intentional.
here is the smart phone contract for teens if you are interested: http://www.holy-craft.com/2014/09/updated-teenage-cell-phone-contract-to.html
Kelly
Love!! 100% agree. We have an 11yr old(soon to be 12) and we refuse. When the age/and time is right in our eyes for her to have one it will not be a smart phone.
Marilyn G
I was lucky to have kids in the old days before smart phones. My oldest two got their own flip phones when they entered high school. They were pay by the minute ones. They had to pay for them using their allowance. Needless to say, they used up their minutes and then were phone-less for a while. They learned to balance the phone time with their allowance. We did have one that they used when they went on field trips. (Just in case they had to come home to San Diego, before Disneyland ended. Thankfully, he was a good boy, and didn’t use it until it was time to pick him up.) The younger two got flip phones when we moved to Idaho, because high school was quite a long distance from our farm community. No one got a smart phone until they graduated from high school. They are all on our plan, so I can occasionally check for inappropriate charges, but they are very responsible. We have talked about the porn issue, and at this point in their lives, they are out of the teen curiosity stages. My oldest was introduced to a porn magazine in middle school…didn’t need a phone. By the way, my kids also didn’t learn to drive until they were older. Oldest son and youngest son were 19 and had jobs. The daughter learned at age 23 after college. My middle son was forced to drive at age 21 because I had foot surgery and need a chauffeur.
Idno
You say at the end that you pass no judgment, but TWICE in your article you said parents either don’t give enough consideration to getting the children a phone or they make the decision haphazardly. You don’t know that. You haven’t been in the home of every single parent who gives their child a phone.
You have young children. You actually haven’t had to make this decision yet. Look, it’s fine that you don’t want your kids to have a phone. You can parent however you want. I think there are some huge drawbacks to not allowing kids to have their own phone. I’m not going to go into that here because I’m not looking for a debate. You have to balance both sides and decide what’s right for you and your child and your family. But please don’t assume that those of us who came to a different decision did it lightly or haphazardly. Maybe take a minute to remember all the pre-parenting things you said that flew out the window when you actually became a parent and realize that the same thing will happen when you actually have teenagers.
amy
I want to share my experience for parents that think they know what their kids are doing as a 23 year old mom. I got my first phone when I was 10 because I worked on the family farm and would be on a tractor dusk til dawn in a huge field by myself. So i needed to be aableto call someone if i broke down. I turned my phone in to my mom every night when I got home and would get it from her when I left for work. Thus went on til I was 13 and my parents divorced and my mom got me a phone to be the cool parent and I moved in with my dad. Note I had a flip phone. But at 14 years old I started texting boys all the time, before i was 15 I was sending nude pics to multiple guys, and at 16 I was sneaking out in the middle of the night to have guys pick up and go party. My dad tried to ground me from my phone so I moved out at the age of 16 and moved in with my boyfriend. At the age of 18 I realized I was a total idiot and regretted the entirity of my teenage years. My whole life i lived over 10 miles from town, I went to a Catholic school, my parents were very active in my life and thought they could trust me. Sure i turned out fine in the end. But my daughter will not ever have a phone except to borrow when she leaves for work or other events that she can’t borrow someone else’s phone. No body knows what their kids are doing. .
Idno
Except you can know what your kids are doing. There are apps that copy and send every single text to a parent. There are apps that show every movement on social media. There are ways to track and restrict internet usage. And parents can and should take their child’s phone and look through it whenever they want.
Roman
Unfortunately there are just as many apps that can allow them to change these settings without the parent even knowing and they are surprising easy to use. They do not appear as a normal app would on a phone. They are sometimes hidden in other apps that that appear to be innocent, sometimes somewhere else. They allow the user to decide what they do and don’t send back to the parent. Obviously a 8-9yr old could not use them but my 12yr old nephew was showing us one example and all the parents were shocked. It is pretty standard for kids to have a public and private social media accounts so that is also easy for them to get around. The worst part is many parents find out yrs later that these ever-ending work-arounds exist. Again, after the first time a parent takes a kids phone to go through it they realize what to keep and not keep accessible to the parent.
Kim
Food for thought: http://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2015/11/why-parents-shouldnt-feel-technology-shame/414163/
Alexandra Samuel
Thanks for sharing my Atlantic post, Kim! I do hope folks will look at the data that conveys the risks of trying to tightly limit tech access.
vicki johnson
I loved this article, and so completely agree with it. My kids (boy/girl twins) are 17. We have home schooled them since pre-school,for faith reasons, and simply because my husband and I refuse to participate in a school system that forces teachers to try and educate children on an ”every child the same” basis. My kids don’t have cell phones, and won’t,until and/or unless they can buy and maintain them,themselves.At this point, that looks like it will be when they turn 18.We are all subject to temptations,everyday, in large,and minute ways.I admittedly love my Facebook account. But as parents,it’s our job,responsibility, and privilege,to guard our children against those things that could harm them, to the extent that it’s possible.I can’t protect them from everything,but, in this one thing,I can, and do.
Robin
My son is 12 1/2 and he bought his own phone last Christmas. I have full access to it and he only has Instagram which I look at and am friends with him on it. He has settings for 12 and under. So far it has seemed to work. We talk about responsibility and look through his phone with him. His phone goes into do not disturb mode at 9:00-6:30a. He does use his phone as an alarm but is not allowed on it after he is in bed. He has respected that for a year and he knows I check. When his buddies come over all the phones go on the bookshelf. They hangout without phones. They don’t sleep with them during sleepovers. Keeping tabs is key. He’s pretty vocal about things so praying open communication always stays opened.
Koen
When I was 10 years old, I got my first digital game. It was the “gameboy” of the era. Everyone said it would ruin my life. It was temptation. it was inspiration. It was the reason why I wrote my first computer program when I was 12.
When I was 12, I got my first walkman. Everyone said it would ruin my life. It was temptation, it was inspiration. It was the reason why I endeavoured to learn how to play the accordeon, the guitar and the piano (I never got good at it, but I learned the value of learning things).
When I was 14 I got my first desktop computer. Everyone said it would ruin my life. It was temptation, it was inspiration. It helped me become a software developer in the long run.
If my parents had taken all that infernal technology away from me, I would not have been the man I am today. I suspect the same will be true for your children. They will grow up in isolation, will be adults in a digital world without the knowledge and aptitude necessary to move within that digital world. Anyone keeping their kids away from technology at this time is stting up their children with a huge disadvantage in the world they are going to have to live in. Keeping your children away from smartphones is a decision a parent makes for themselves, not for the children. It will make the life of the parent easier at a cost of making the life of the children, when they grow up, a lot harder.
Rachel
Thank you for writing and sharing this article!!! Hopefully, more parents will rethink the issue! It honestly breaks my heart and scares me a little that the vast majority of children have their phones with cameras and internet access with them at all times. How can our kids have the privacy and ‘sheltered’ (meaning they aren’t exposed to adult content) childhood that they deserve when other people’s kids are misusing tech!?! [I guess the best you can do is know their friends, monitor activities, have discussions so they know how to handle situations and have an open line of communication.] Plus, I love that you pointed out that we need to teach our kids how to live with significant times that are screen-free. It is TOUGH for us as adults to do that, so it is harder for kids not to rely on screens for communication/entertainment, and then rely on tech for everything… ugh. I have 2 boys (8 & 4) and a daughter (7) and I’d already told them they can get a phone at 18… maybe we’ll get them a non-smart phone before that. 🙂
Marietta
I agree. I happen to be that younger generation dealing with the temptations of phones and all the power they hold. You help me understand I am not alone, not crazy for feeling this way. I do have a phone, simply for texting my boss or my mother but still it is hard to fight the temptations of not constantly texting the few friend contacts I agreed to have. So many people believe it’ll bring happiness, I find all it does is bring the opposite. Deceit, addiction to the screen and loss of connection with the world around me. Many of my friend don’t understand why I never pull my phone out, and the truth is it bugs me. Bugs me so much, to walk down the hall and see everyone sitting with their friends, yet all on their phones…. all lunch long. They can’t resist the temptation to not check in class, they say “I can hardly breath, I don’t have my phone on me” And I cry HELP Thank you for being one person to fight this, to help us.
Ashley Rader
I was recently in a Verizon store to have some troubleshooting done on my own phone, and they told me about a new product that is coming out. Its basically a watch that kids can wear, that can receive phone calls and make phone calls to a maximum of 2 different numbers. There are no other features beyond that – no texting, no graphical display, nothing (it is not a “smart” watch, there is literally just one button on it and a mic/speaker). And its only $5 a month. We’re planning to get one for my 9 year old who does a lot of after school activities, for any of those “emergency” situations where he needs to reach us (or vice versa).
Thought it was a great idea for those parents who want their kids to have a method of communication for emergencies, but without the cost and temptation of a more feature rich phone.
Danelle
If I have learned one thing in 18 years of being a mother, it is to never say never. You don’t know what circumstances might arise in your child’s life that will cause you to rethink your decision. I have 3 boys, and totally understand the reasons mentioned for not wanting them to have smart phones. But my oldest has seizure disorder where he becomes confused for sometimes hours before the actual seizure occurs. He had a seizure during his junior year of high school, but prior to the seizure, no one could find him. Thankfully they finally did, just before the seizure happened. I realize that in this confused state, he could wander away from school and end up anywhere! And because he drives, I felt it was even more important to be able to determine his whereabouts in an emergency. And that’s when I realized I wanted him to have a phone that would allow me to install a tracking app, and you need a smart phone for that. He is now 18 and in college studying to become a computer programmer/engineer. So while totally keeping him from certain technologies might have it’s benefits, technology is going to be his career some day. Technology will allow him to financially support his future family. If I had given him a technology free childhood (which would have included keeping him from his high school Robotics team, or learning to write computer code online) he never would have figured out what he wanted to do with his life. This is the world he lives in, and kids who know how to use technology in an appropriate way will someday be the people who use it to change the world. And for our son, having a smart phone could be a matter of life and death.
Kellie
As I read this on my phone; which I’m sure most of your readers do….. I appreciate the opinion and life plan in the post, but it’s hard to respect what you haven’t experienced….. Quick insight from a mother of children with iPhones ….. Most Kids that do not have healthy access and respect for technology are obsessed with it and have not had the experience of HEALTHY usage or HEALTHY boundaries- ie: it takes actual parenting to help your child learn about the dangers and the advantages of technology- it’s easy to generalize all kids that have access to phones or tablets into game-obsessed- social media obsessed drones….. In my experience with my own teenagers it isn’t true- Also, in the world we live in, technology is a given…. My elementary age children are required to test on the computer….. so, it isn’t necessarily if our children will have to make choices regarding tech use and possible pornography issues its when they will and hopefully they have the tools to do so—- basically the problem lies with people that give children access to phones/tablets but do not want to parent the usage; call it lazy or not…… The tools are out there, iPhones are not the devil they are awesome, kids can learn amazing things and helpful communication using phones- and we do live in a tech based society…. Just choose to be a parent. so, making a case that phones and technology are bad isn’t going to serve well…. its the world we live in.
Tammie
All the reasons why you’re denying your kids a cell phone are EXTREMELY superficial.
What about the basic need to learn to use technology to function in society? Rather than just not have your kids deal with the temptation, TEACH them how to deal with it. Anything can be used PRODUCTIVELY, anything can be abused. It’s your JOB as a parent to teach these things, much like sex ed. The kids are GOING to do it, it’s a biological imparitive. Abstinince only doesn’t work for sex ed, and it doesn’t work in a modern world.
Amanda
I don’t think that “kids are going to do it” is a great reason for standing back and allowing it to happen. The difference is our acceptance of it. My kids know that I do NOT accept that abstinence is a bygone thing. Just because the modern world says it is ok, doesn’t mean that morally it has become acceptable. The modern world used to say that slavery was ok. The modern world used to say that women had no right to vote. What is moral and immoral does not change, it is our acceptance of it that changes. I don’t think that protecting your children from temptation that is too great for plenty of adults to overcome is “superficial.” The modern world says that Bruce Jenner is now a woman… nope… sorry. I reject the “modern world” and will continue to teach my children that morality is not a fluid thing that changes with the current world view.
My oldest has a tracfone. Basic phone with no camera, bells, or whistles. She is allowed to call myself or her dad. And guess what? She doesn’t really feel the lack. She is 15 and still reads books, (real live books, folks) creates art, and has an incredible imagination. Not saying she never spends time with technology, but she still has time for living while most of the kids she knows think she must not ” have a life” because she doesn’t spend her hours glued to a screen.
I think this is a very controversial topic. I have been called all sorts of negative things because I don’t allow my kids to have phones or tablets or their own computers.
Rachel
Well said and bravo for having the courage to parent the way you believe is right!
Bobbie
OK I have to chime in here and say that I think every child is different. I believe you have to trust your child and your child has to trust you. I believe that your child should feel that they can talk to you about anything and I mean ANYTHING. I have that kind of relationship with all 5 of my children. 4 son’s 26, 20, 17 and 12. One daughter 24. My son is 12 and has been an Honor Roll student since 1st grade. He has had an IPhone 5S for over a year now. He has no facebook, no instagram, no snapchat or any other kind of social media. Why?? Because before I told him he couldn’t have it he said he didn’t want it. Smart kid he knew it was coming lol. The only thing he does on his phone is play games, Skype with friends as long as he is down stairs. Not that I don’t trust him but I don’t trust others. He doesn’t text and doesn’t make calls. I actually feel like I’m paying for him to Skype while playing games with his friends. And just to be sure because you have to be sure I do random checks on his cell while it’s in his hand. I feel bad because I never find anything but I don’t trust other people. BUT it looks like my talk about peer pressure has paid off so far. I hope this helps someone.
Lawrence Han
This is plain retarded. everybody have cells and most with expensive iphones and some even have tablets and ipads.
Anissa
I have 13 children. The oldest two now 24, 22, both had iPhones at the age of 16-17 yrs old. I totally regretted that decision!! It was why to much for them to handle! I won’t go into details but I will say it was a bad move on my part! Now all my other children have one simple phone that they share. (Not a iPhone)They can call or text on it and that’s it. The Phone stays plugged in in my room. If one of the kids are going somewhere that I feel having a phone with them would be a good idea then that kid will take it. When they are back home they know to plug the phone back in, in my room. This works wonderfully ?
Shannon
I have to agree with this. I’m young and don’t have kids yet, but my husband and I have already discussed our kids will have to live with no phones. I was about 15 when I got my phone, but that is because my mother was tired of hunting me down when I was with my friends. Basic flip phone with limited minutes and no texting. I could only use it during the week to talk to her or call for emergencies.
When I got older I knew I was trusted enough to own a smartphone (when I was 17?) and even then i didn’t get on the internet unless I was in the same room with my parents. My kids will have to have earned my trust to not look at things such as porn. I will go to the flip basic phone for them for their first phone.
Thanks for the great article, in this day and age too much is accessible anymore.
Kristina
My 11 year old daughter has one at her father’s house, because he wanted her “to have one like everybody else”. He disregarded my input that she didn’t need one and I do not allow her to have it home with us. I have talked to her about how pics and texts can be shared and that is irretrievable. Hoping she keeps that in mind.
Suzanne Atkins
! I am a parent who almost lost my child to internet predators. My child will forever be a victim. Anything posted on the internet has a possibility to be there forever.After my child was victimized by people that had been met online, I looked online for help. I found little that was updated. You can say your child does not have a phone. You can even say you know your child’s passwords. Did you know most teens have mulitpul pages on such sites? When we were young and our parents said “no”, we still found away. It is much worse now.
Any device can be used as a phone and have social media apps.A phone does not need service to it. The phone can be from anywhere! Everything can get deleted before you even know what they are up too. That was the case for me, I did not know what kik was. I regret everyday not being informed.
Between “Cyber bullying”, “child pornography” and human trafficking our children are available 24 hours a day. If they are getting bullied at school the safety of home is no longer there. I started this page to help other parents, caregivers and grandparents a sounding board. It is a non judgmental and informative page for anyone who cares about the young people in our lives. Education is the key. The internet is constantly changing and so are the threats. Lets help each other keep current.We cannot make the internet a safe place, we can make our kids more internet safe.https://www.facebook.com/ICPofWisconsin/
Caroline a Power Gangl
My 14-year-old twin girls know they are not allowed to have a Facebook account until they are 16 and they will not be getting their driver’s permits until they are 17 (legally they can get them when they are 16) because I think any earlier they are too young for these activities.
Why on earth would I allow them to have Smartphones?!?
Eventually we will reach the point where a phone will be needed, but it will be shared and it will be a flip phone. To quote my mother from many, many years ago, a phone is for relaying information. I’m sure she never meant mean, hateful SnapChat comments, completely inappropriate photographs that go viral in 30 minutes, never to be retrieved.
Tami
I have a hard time taking teenage parenting advice from someone who admittedly says her kids are far from that age. Sounds like her kids are all under 6. Also she says she thinks technology is bad…. She should be choosing the words “electronic devices” maybe…because technology included “hinges on a bathroom door”, deadbolts, electricity, cars…..
It’s far more effective to teach your kids phone safety & etiquette then to “ban” phones.
If a boy wants to look at porn.. He will find a way, it’s been around longer than phones have.
Erin
I really respect Jessica’s opinion and am glad she has gone ahead and put some boundaries in place for her family.
Shayna
Good for you! Thank you for saying exactly how I feel. I feel like the only mom left out here that feels this way. What frustrates me more is how the schools now make me feel like my middle school aged child has to have one because they use the cell phones now as a way to educate. My 12 year old son has to look on to a friends while the teacher uses certain apps in the classroom. That infuriates me more than anything else. He feels so left out at that moment. Above it all though, my kids will be left out of this cell phone era. It causes more damage than it can be useful for. Thanks for writing this post. More parents need to hear this!
Sarah R
We were told we had to get internet for my 16 year old when she was in elementary and this year she had to get apps for her smart phone to turn in homework. I was extremely upset over that, we now pay $100 a month for her cell phone bill alone. I know I’m old but there was nothing wrong with pen and paper
Cindy
I respect and understand why you wrote this post as a mom of 7. But I think you have to be cautious about the hard fast plan until you get there. We have allowed our oldest 2, girls, to get a tablet at around 14-15 with boundaries. Plugged in on our kitchen counter at night before bed, using it in a well populated area with no bedroom or bathroom use. At 16 they get pretty independent with driving (which there r no options in my house to NOT drive) and more friend time so imo I want them to be able to contact me. We have a spare smartphone that the data is shutoff so it is only a call and text phone that we will send with our kids if they go to the farm to work or ģo babysitting…many families have no landline these days and are willing to leave their cell phone but I don’t want my kid on their phone personally! Each situation is different with each kid. We r looking into iphone now because you can lock with passwords different apps and unless you put in passwords you can’t go on things. We have installed covenant eyes on all computers tablets and phones, even mine and my husband. The devil wants to destroy..I get a report daily about what they looked at, how many minutes on it. We have facebook for the older 2 but many of their friends are far away that they met at camp and they communicate this way. It’s never been abused. But I would say wait till you get to this stage to decide for your family. I never thought we would go to this place either but technology changes and situations with kids change and with family dynamics. I knew a family that parents split and mom abandoned the kids but dad has to work and keep track if his 11-14 yr olds so he got them a phone. It takes deliberate parenting to stay on top of things and even then we won’t be perfect. If we put the proper tools in place with the technology that is growing, which includes talking with your kids on a daily basis about important issues in their lives and what we think is…they will open up. It is sickening to have a family gathering and everyone is on their devices not talking. My kids hate it for a few reasons: no one talks to them, they are not allowed theirs during this time and they may not go on someone else’s and it’s makes the time be boring. I’ve heard of some moms collecting at the door all cellphones or devices and they can get them when they leave. We’ve tried to turnoff WiFi when people come.
It all causes to get down on our knees and pray more for our kids and that God will protect them. Lots of good discussion for sure!!
Randy
We know many kids who have been very badly damaged, in many ways, by technology. That said, as parents, we cannot be technophobic. Our kids are 14 and 16 and they have iPhones. But, the iPhone was specifically chosen because of the degree to which it can be secured. That, combined with our plan, ensure that the kids can only send SMS messages to approved contacts, they cannot install apps without our permission (and security code, which we change on a regular basis), cannot surf at all, etc. If other words, the phone is a phone that they can also use to listen to approved music and play a few approved games.
Technology can be used safely, but like all other aspects of parenting, it takes work.
Suzanne Atkins
Hello, If this is not allowed please delete! I am a parent who almost lost my child to internet predators. My child will forever be a victim. Anything posted on the internet has a possibility to be there forever.After my child was victimized by people that had been met online, I looked online for help. I found little that was updated. You can say your child does not have a phone. You can even say you know your child’s passwords. Did you know most teens have mulitpul pages on such sites? When we were young and our parents said “no”, we still found away. It is much worse now.
Any device can be used as a phone and have social media apps.A phone does not need service to it. The phone can be from anywhere! Everything can get deleted before you even know what they are up too. That was the case for me, I did not know what kik was. I regret everyday not being informed.
Between “Cyber bullying”, “child pornography” and human trafficking our children are available 24 hours a day. If they are getting bullied at school the safety of home is no longer there. I started this page to help other parents, caregivers and grandparents a sounding board. It is a non judgmental and informative page for anyone who cares about the young people in our lives. Education is the key. The internet is constantly changing and so are the threats. Lets help each other keep current.We cannot make the internet a safe place, we can make our kids more internet safe.https://www.facebook.com/ICPofWisconsin/
Aven
Well i am 14 years old and my mom is really protective of me so i no what it feels like to be sheltered completely
and i know you probably heard this before but honestly its so hard for us when we cant keep in toutch and
just so you know some kids will be really sneaky and go behind your back and do what you have tried to keep them
hidden from
Debbie
I agree 100%. A strict parent will raise a decent person. I have a few basic phones which are great for not only calls & texts but for alarm clock, timer, calendar, notepad, calculator, camera. One of them, a Motorola phone, cannot send or receive pics in texts (to avoid sexting) which would be great for a child age 12-18. And only if they were away from home a lot and really needed to have a way to call family. Basic phones do not use apps, do not need passwords and do not need private information. It’s just strange to think minors have their own personal phone numbers and their parents pay monthly for it = a utility bill for a child!
Sarah R
My kids (all girls) are 5, 6 and 16. I tried to not allow my 16 year old use of smart phones and my mom gave her new ones as quick as I took them away and sadly, I gave up. My little ones have always had games on my phone available for them to use so that they don’t “disturb” those around us (I’m embarrassed to say that but Portland is not a very child friendly place, they prefer their “fur babies”). All of my kids have two personalities, their technology personality and their normal personality. They are all amazing human beings with beautiful hearts and amazing imaginations when there are no phones or video games. When they have technology, they’re different people with short fuses and horrible language and they hit and my oldest cusses like a sailor and has gotten so bad I’ve had to call the police.
I’ve made the decision that the cell phones will be paid off, sold and accounts cancelled in the next month. My oldest will get a flip phone with a phone card for emergencies as will I for the car but we’re going to get a home phone and answering machine with a big ol’ Bulky computer that will be in the dining room for homework. I’m through letting technology rob me of my time with my kids and rob my kids of their childhood with real person to person interactions.
One of my kids bus drivers has a nephew who violently attacked his parents when they took his phone away. I’ve read other articles involving violence and children over their cell phones.
I’m glad to know I’m not alone in second guessing what I’m being told is good for my kids. My kids aren’t just profit, they’re people and we owe it to everyone to really look at the effects this is having on people.
Dee
It’s 2019. Harder than ever to say NO to cell phones when fifth graders (and even younger) have cell phones and my two 14 year olds (freshmen) don’t have them. New phones are now between $800 and $1,000. How are people affording them? And why don’t kids have to work for them? Are there other parents out there today whose kids don’t have phones? I’m feeling very alone.
Michelle
I agree that there should be limits on cellphones based on the situation. My kids will get a basic phone for emergencies only when they are older and a better one when they get a job. They will get one while in my household though because it is an opportunity to teach discernment. Guide your children in their decisions rather than take decision making away from them (in an age appropriate manner), otherwise they won’t know what to do when they are no longer under your roof and are facing something new. What will help the cell phone situation more than anything though is talking to your children about safety and proper use and makeing sure they know they can come talk to you if they do accidently come across something inappropriate, aren’t sure about a certain app or website, or if they are struggling with an addiction. And please talk to your girls about pornography too. They are not immune to it. I struggled for years and tried everything to keep myself away, but I really just needed someone to keep me accountable. I didn’t want to talk to anyone for a long time though because I felt like I was odd for struggling with something that only boys should have trouble with. I felt like I should have been able to fix it on my own because I wasn’t a boy. And don’t assume you’ll find out, my parents didn’t know until I finally told my mom after over 5 years of struggling with it on my own. Your children need to know that if they come to you for help, that you won’t respond in anger or brush it aside. Help them understand that they are not immune to any sin, even if they are saved and then help them look to God, mentors, and safeguards for help, in that order, because at the end of the day, cellphones aren’t the source of the problem. Lack of understanding and sin are the real culprits. It’s about preparing them for adulthood when you won’t always be there, not just their childhood and teen years.
Darius
I don’t care aboit the porn. I was watching porn when I was teenager and I don’t think that this is wrong. I wasn’t addicted to it. There are worse things like less time for learning or just hangin with friends in real life. I would like my future kids to have normal life and not cybernetic.
Asia
I fully support parents not giving their kids a cell phone for good reasons. Afterall, kids had lives before cell phones and there is a lot more to life than being on the cell phone. I do not support, however, pushing not giving them cell phones based on very sexist, controlling and judgemental stereotype that may be passed onto your kids. Whule there are dangers Other out there, other kids do have cell phones or use those phones for those purposes. It’s mostly due to parents educating their children and the nature of the child.
Karen
I am curious to know how the Pinwheel (or other device) has worked out, now that you have used it a bit longer.
We have a child that is old enough to stay home alone but not full-on smart phone ready. I’m trying to figure out a way to keep the connection.
Will O
Karen,
We have loved Pinwheel. It has been great for us with our kids to give them some freedom and responsibility but still be able to check on them and have some good conversations with them. We love the features, and they are constantly adding new ones. It’s been well worth it for us.