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I’m delighted to have Jen from This Gal’s Journey guest posting today on her emotional recovery from her C-section! I am blessed to have Jen as a “real-life” friend–although we haven’t seen each other in 4 years! When we did meet, we hit it off immediately…and blogging has really helped “reconnect” us! Please be sure to pay her site a visit!
Guest Post by Jen of This Gal’s Journey
For as long as I can remember and was aware of what childbirth actually entails, I have wanted a natural delivery experience. The delivery of my first child could not have gone more smoothly. It was a text-book natural delivery, as evidenced by the 4 nursing externs (why they were called externs and not interns I don’t know), 3 extra nurses and 2 medical students my OB called in to observe.
Holding my sweet son – baby #3 – just minutes after his c-section birth.
So, imagine my surprise when my second and third babies were both born via emergency c-section!
All throughout my third pregnancy (which took place in Ireland – but that’s a different post for a different day…) I had been planning, preparing, and praying for a VBAC delivery – that is, a Vaginal Birth After Cesarean. However, when my water had been broken for 48 hours and I was still barely 1 cm dilated with the baby still at -1 station (WAY high up in my belly) after 6 hours on pitocin, I once again found myself being whisked away for an emergency c-section.
I thought I was prepared for such an event. After all, I knew there was a high chance of the VBAC being unsuccessful, so I had prepared myself mentally and emotionally for another C-section.
However, once I returned home I found myself really grieving the loss of the natural labor/birth experience I had so badly wanted. Having gone through both extremes of experiences (a natural delivery and a C-section delivery) previously, I knew the recovery time after a natural delivery was so much faster. Not to mention the level of mental anxiety, emotional stress, an emergency situation brings upon you and your family (for me, it would be just as mentally and emotionally taxing waiting on a planned C-section date in the case of a breech baby, for example).
So, what do we do when the hope/dream/plan for a natural delivery falls apart? How do we cope with the gamut of emotions? Most posts like this will focus on the fact that if you end up with a healthy baby in your arms at the end of the day, that’s the most important thing. Be thankful for that, etc. And I fully believe that!! No one is more grateful for the safe, healthy arrival of my children than I am.
However, despite the fact that they arrived safe and sound, I was still left reeling with crazy wild emotions I never expected to deal with. So, here is how I have coped with it and I hope you find these ideas helpful as well if you find yourself in a similar situation.
1. Let yourself grieve.
Don’t try to stuff your disappointment down and cover over it with platitudes and fake cheer. If you are sad/disappointed/angry about it, let yourself feel it. Process it. Talk to your husband, doctor, friend, doula, mom, sister, etc. about it. Write about it. Journal. Pray. Cry. Acknowledge how you are feeling, and let yourself walk through that emotion. I have a very good friend (*wink wink*) who was due the same day I was, who delivered just a couple of weeks after I did. She had the most amazing natural labor and delivery. When I read about it I rejoiced for her; and sat and bawled for twenty minutes for me. But after those twenty minutes, I felt some release and was able to move on to the next stage of my emotional recovery.
2. Don’t stay grieving.
Yes, let yourself feel those emotions but try not to set up camp there. Going over your what-if list of things you could have done/said/ate/worn differently 700 times is not going to chance how things went down. Walk through your grief/disappointment/anger; don’t live there. If you need to talk to a counselor to help process what it is that you’re feeling, that’s totally okay!
3. Celebrate the things that went well.
In my case, there was absolutely nothing I could have done differently that would have changed the outcome of my two C-section deliveries. However, I celebrate the fact that I was able to labor for a while during the delivery of my 3rd baby to see how things went, rather than being required a C-section straight away. I DID end up with a healthy baby, and that IS something to celebrate.
4. Give yourself grace.
I hate the terms “failed VBAC,” “failure to progress,” etc. because it makes me feel as though its a label of blame on my part. There was a part of me that felt like a failure because I couldn’t deliver my babies naturally. So much about having a baby – and parenting! – is completely out of our control. Don’t use the method in which your baby came into the world as a means of beating yourself up.
*Note from Erin: Jen’s friend was…me. And, let me tell you, even though she had just been through this traumatic experience, Jen was still such a great cheerleader for me and rejoiced with me as I delivered by second baby–and experienced my first natural birth.*
Have you ever had an unplanned C-section? What helped you deal with the wide range of emotions?
Jennifer is your typical American wife and mother living life, raising kids, and working, only she’s doing it in Ireland. She has been married to the love of her life, Seth, for 11 years and is extremely blessed to be mom to two delightful girls, and one hilarious little boy. Jennifer passionately loves the Lord, her family, music, dance, writing and chocolate. She writes at this gal’s journey.
Check out the other posts in this series:
- 5 Simple Tips for Combating Morning Sickness
- Reflections on my First Pregnancy
- 10 Reasons We Opted to Give Birth at a Birth Center
- Easing Leg Pain During Pregnancy
- Pregnancy Posts Around the Web
- A Tale of Two Births: Medicated vs. Natural Hospital Births, part 2
- A Tale of Two Births: Medicated vs. Natural Hospital Births, part 1
- How to Achieve a Natural Birth in a Hospital Setting
- Real Food Pregnancy Cheats/Shortcuts
- OB or Midwife: Finding the Birth Provider Who Works for You
- A Comparison of Birth Settings: Home, Hospital and Birth Center
- Resources for a Natural Pregnancy
- 10 Things Never to Say to Pregnant Women
- What Every Pregnant Woman Wants to Hear
- Hyperemesis Gravidarum: Much More than Severe Morning Sickness
- Pregnancy Posts Around the Web, Take 2
- Chiropractic Care During Pregnancy
- Breastfeeding While Pregnant
- Preparing for a Water Birth
- The Importance of Using a Doula
- A Sample Hospital Birth Plan
- Why We Chose NOT to Induce Labor
- 7 Ways to Naturally Induce Labor
- Maintaining Proper Iron Levels During Pregnancy
- 9 Natural Pain Relief Techniques for Labor
I’m linking up with: Simple Lives Thursday, Your Green Resource, The Better Mom, The Prairie Homestead, Growing Home, Deep Roots at Home, Time-Warp Wife, Raising Homemakers, Women Living Well, Works for Me Wednesday,Fight Back Friday, Monday Mania
*I have included affiliate links in this post.
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I have one child, an only child, born to me when I was 34 and my husband 39. I labored for almost 24 hours and then had a C section because I just could not push any longer. I nursed for only about 3 weeks and chose to go to formula. It did take a long time to recover for a lot of reasons and I suffered from undiagnosed post-partem depression. The first two years were hard. I remember feeling like the ground was rolling underneath my feet and I did not know how to stop it. By God’s grace and mercy we survived and I have been able to encourage other women who had has their birthing/nursing experience not go as planned. Jen’s advice on how to walk through this is excellent. The most important thing I remember from that time was I had to be able to take care of my daughter so I did whatever I needed to take care of myself so I could take care of her. That was part of the process of choosing to use formula. I need to be able to sleep and rest and using formula helped that a bit. My daughter is 22, just graduated from college, is living in TN for a year to help take care of my mom who is in early stages of dementia. I’m thankful for her!
Hi,Joni!!
Thank you so much for sharing your story! I remember being so shocked that I felt the way I did, particularly after the birth of my son. Sometimes you can’t control emotions of grief any more than we can the way our kiddos enter this world. I am oh so thankful for the technology that allows c-sections to be so safe,because without it neither my younger daughter nor my son would be here today.
Jen recently posted..When the Plan Goes Out the Window
Thanks so much for sharing your story here! It’s great to hear someone share about their experience with c-sections on a natural motherhood sort of blog. Very refreshing!
I was so thrilled to have Jen guest post! I want every mother interested in natural living here to feel welcomed and respected here!
With my first baby, my OB said that in his eyes, a natural delivery meant the baby was being born out of its own mother’s body. It didn’t matter which “end” the baby was coming from. This point of view helped me tremendously when babies 2-4 all had to come via C-section. With my 4th, I was having major anxiety anticipating the surgery, but the hospital staff was TERRIFIC, and everything went smoothly. I think what all moms have to remember is our emotions and hormones go crazy after pregnancy, and we find ourselves grieving and emotional over things that we didn’t think were very important. And they probably weren’t very important, but thanks to our emotions, we can’t forget them. Give yourself “emotional leeway” to feel these things, but also keep things in perspective. 10 or 20 years from now, it won’t matter one bit how you delivered your baby.
Haha! That’s a great description for “natural”! I, too, was more nervous heading into the 2nd c-section BECAUSE I knew what to expect! Ha! Plus I was in a different country, different policies, procedures, etc. Lots of “new” things even though I had been through it before. Funny how that works!
Jen recently posted..A Little Something to Start Your Week Off Right
I can completely related to this, except that I never had the privilege of experiencing natural childbirth at all. I was very traumatized by the birth of my oldest son via emergency c-section, and then my next doctor wouldn’t even allow me to try a vbac because of the circumstances in the first.
However, the second time was actually kind of better because I was more emotionally prepared.
I’m so glad the second time around was better for you! I was less traumatized with my first c-section because I had way less time to think about it. It was less than 3 minutes from labor suite to OR in a true emergency situation. Hormones and memories are funny things!
Jen recently posted..A Little Something to Start Your Week Off Right
My first child was an emergency csection. I had labored for 30 hours (induced) and then had a csection. He was stuck and it was a difficult delivery. My poor son was the bluest person I have ever seen and I am a nurse! He had to be revived, but I knew he wasn’t right from the beginning. I’m convinced that his delayed csection caused his Asperger’s syndrome and other problems. My recovery was hellish. I could write a book. Emotionally I will never recover from the pain of that delivery and the huge cost to my son – not the mention the years and years of misdiagnosis, and medical bills trying to figure out what was wrong with my kid. My twins, 5 years later, were by planned csection. My OB recommended that I try a VBAC. No way, no how. And my first child was with certified nurse midwives and neonatologists at the best hospital in the state. A lot of good that did me. My son is 15 and as you can see, I am still bitter. I am glad you are doing well.
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I have three children (my third is a month old now) and all three were born by c-section. My first baby was breech and couldn’t be turned (it wasn’t safe for him or me) so I went from planning a normal birth to having a c-section with no warning. I was bummed (devastated!) at first and the recovery was terrible because I had no preparation and had no idea how to deal with a new baby and my recovery issues. I intended to have a VBAC with my second but about part way through my pregnancy I had a change of heart. I had this overwhelming feeling that it wouldn’t be safe for me to try a VBAC, for me or the baby. I had that inching feeling that my body wasn’t designed for it. I had didn’t have contractions or labor of any kind with my first (0r my second, or third!) I always knew I was built rather small on the inside…maybe it wasn’t meant to be. After some thought and prayer, I came away with the feeling that it was Heavenly Fathers will I(for whatever reason) and I was able to accept that even though the concept is still scary. For me, even though the recovery is painful, I don’t lost precious time with my babies. In fact, it’s almost like I am given extra time because I am laid up and recovering. I have lots of time to cuddle and sing and read to all my children, not just my newborn, and even more time to think and pray. I also have had the gift of being prepared for my last 2 sections because I had forwarning and that helped a lot as well. (I just wrote a blod post about it actually-http://heavenlyhomesforeverfamilies.blogspot.com/2012/08/c-section-essentials.html) Sure, a normal delivery would’ve been nice but knowing the answer I got I can honestly say that I’m thankful that they are here, beautiful, safe and healthy so the way they arrive doesn’t matter to me. I hope others can find the same peace that I have found with my c-sections.
-Hannah
http://heavenlyhomesforeverfamilies.blogspot.com/
p.s. Found you through Growing Home Link Up!
2 out my 5 deliveries have been unplanned C-sections. My first (also my 1st birth) was very similar to what Jen just shared, my water broke, but my body never went into labor. I went on to have 3 successful VBACs and then had baby #5 in June. You can read the entire story of his birth on my blog (post is titled A New Baby and was posted July15th). Basically, I got to 8cm and they could no longer pick up his heartbeat, so there was no choice, but to do an emergency C-section. With both surgeries, I grieved, but more so with the first. I was afraid I would never experience a natural birth and I felt like my body had failed me. I have wondered for 11.5 years if I gave in too soon in agreeing to the C-section, but I know that had I not agreed to it, I might not have my beautiful, healthy daughter. This most recent C-section was much easier to deal with, even though I still wished it could have been different. There was no doubt that I would not have my precious son if I had not had the C-section.
The Happy Wife/Danielle Garcia recently posted..Book Review: My Stubborn Heart
Thanks for writing this! A friend sent it to me. It will be two years in September since my emergency c-section with my first child — in Peru! We’re missionaries here and let’s just say, things did not go well. I was highly traumatized after it was over and when we got back to the States that December for furlough, I really did get some counseling. I felt robbed of a natural delivery and I had no desire to ever go through it again. It was a horrible, traumatic, scary experience where half the time, my husband (who wasn’t allowed to be with me) thought I was dead. Yeah. It was bad. And I felt like an awful person for not being able to handle it, especially when I was told by my (Peruvian) co-workers, “Oh well, at least it’s over and she’s healthy. It wasn’t really THAT bad, right?” Now I’m 34wks pregnant with #2 and I have no idea how it’s going to end – c-section or natural – as of yet. I’m just trusting that God has His best in mind and I’m just hoping that maybe it can’t get any worse than last time?! All that to say – thanks for validating some of my feelings and helping me still feel like a capable woman even though I didn’t deliver “naturally.”
-Lisa
(the whole birth story is on my blog, on September 4, 2011, entitled “Here it is, Almost One Year Later”)
Oh man! I’m sorry you had such a traumatic experience!! Something about giving birth – in any form- away from your home culture that escalates everything! I’m so glad your daughter is ok now. And I pray you get to have an easy, uncomplicated birth this time!
Jen recently posted..Gandalf Died…And God Spoke to My Heart
Thanks so much for sharing. I too have had two c-sections (first and third babies), with number two being a quick unmedicated natural VBAC. My youngest is two and I still grieve over her delivery (water broke at 34 weeks, got to the hospital and found out she was breech). I do truly believe that a c-section was the best option for her, but I am still so disappointed to have missed out on another wonderful birth experience like I had with my VBAC. She has been a healthy baby, breastfed well, etc, but she did have to spend her first few days in the NICU, which makes me feel even more robbed…
I have a good friend who was due a few days after me with number 3 who went on to have a full-term pregnancy and uncomplicated birth. I couldn’t bring myself to even talk about her delivery, and still have a hard time hearing about other friends birth stories.
Thanks for understanding that while a healthy baby is the most important thing, the Mother’s experience matters too.
I know what you mean. I still have fleeting moments of disappointment that come out of nowhere. But with God’s grace I’ve been able to move on a lot faster than I expected I would.
Jen recently posted..Gandalf Died…And God Spoke to My Heart
I was 30 and 31 when my babies were delivered via c-section for 1. Breech and 2. Failed VBAC and low fetal heartrate. But that was NOT what I had wanted at all. I was barely 19 when I began reading books about midwifery and natural childbirth. I was devestated. After my second c/s, I cried so hard in recovery that they had to give me IV narcotics. However, it matters less, nearly a decade later, than the fact that they are healthy and smart. I also managed to breastfeed them for 14 months each, despite the fact that I worked full time, so I find some comfort in that too.
Oh, my heart ached for you when I read this comment. That’s exactly how I felt after my second c-section. That’s great that you were able to breadtfeed them for so long!
Jen recently posted..Gandalf Died…And God Spoke to My Heart
I’m a brand new mom, and I really appreciate your post. My first is three months old, and I am still struggling to get over the trauma of my unplanned C-section. I was in labor for 18 hours trying to do things naturally, at the point of transition, when my doctor realized she had missed the fact that my daughter was breech. Even though I was a little bit relieved to be done with the painful labor (and, thankfully, did avoid getting to the point of pushing/tearing), I was so disappointed that my efforts to keep the drugs away from my daughter were fruitless. They kept the screen up so I couldn’t see when she was born, and all I could think was, “I’m missing it.” My physical recovery was far more difficult than I was mentally prepared for.
Everyone says, “Well, at least she’s healthy,” and I am SO grateful for that, but it was kind of a revelation to me to acknowledge how sad I am about what happened. However, I think your advice is spot on – now that I’ve realized what my feelings are, it’s time to stop wallowing and move on. The Lord knew what was going to happen all along, and He didn’t fall off the throne when it did. He is still taking care of us.
On the bright side, I have not had any major problems with nursing, which I was very concerned about.
Congratulations!!! I remember so vividly the first year with my first baby. The hardest year of my life – even with the dream delivery experience!! Ha!! I’m glad you are recognizing some of your emotions surrounding your delivery experience and pray you are able to get some closure.
Jen recently posted..Gandalf Died…And God Spoke to My Heart
Thank you so much for this post. I planned and prayed for a natural childbirth experience with my baby {born August 15th of this year} and after 24 hours of contractions 1-3 minutes apart and at least a minute long each I ended up with an epidural and then after 7 more hours of labor I pushed for two hours before I ended up with a c-section. I did not expect for it to be such a hard and emotional thing for me to look back on. And to know that this grief is normal is such a relief. I am so grateful for my sweet, healthy baby girl but I definitely have cried when I have read other people’s absolutely beautiful natural birth stories and I hope I get to experience that someday! Thank you Jen and Erin for sharing this post!
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