Have you ever felt judged for your decision to bottle feed your baby? Here’s a letter of grace and support for the mom who chose NOT to breastfeed her baby.
This post is part of the Dear Mom Letters series.
This post was written specifically for moms who made the choice not to breastfeed–not to those who wanted to breastfeed and had to use formula for some reason. For those women, check out this post.
Dear Mom Who Chose Not to Breastfeed,
It’s World Breastfeeding Week, so you’re apt to hear a lot of hoopla from those who advocate nursing your baby.
And I’m one of those.
But I do not hate you.
I would venture to say that most breastfeeding moms don’t. But I can’t say that for sure.
I know many breastfeeding moms feel judged by those who formula feed. But I always try to put myself in others’ shoes, and, yes, I can see that it goes both ways.
I know there are times you feel just as criticized–and maybe more.
The other day I read an article by a mom who lost a friend over her decision not to breastfeed.
I cringed.
That breastfeeding friend? She gives all of us nursing mothers a bad name.
It would seem that, in the Mommy Wars, breast vs. bottles tops the list of parenting decisions that divide.
My sister, this should not be. We should be supporting each other regardless of our choices. Not tearing each other down.
Motherhood is challenging enough without worrying about someone else critiquing our every move.
I cannot lie and say I don’t think breast is best, but for some reason you chose not to breastfeed. It wasn’t that you tried and had a hard time. You didn’t. For whatever reason, you just didn’t want to breastfeed.
And I know you want what is best for your child, so how I can say that your decision wasn’t best for your unique family?
Guess what? It was your choice. And…it’s ok.
Really? It’s none of my business how you feed your child. It’s none of anyone’s business.
Will I still advocate breastfeeding? Yes.
Will I still educate those mamas who want to breastfeed? Yes.
But will I pressure those of you who don’t? Absolutely not.
I am proud of having nursed my babies for the past 64 months (and counting).
But I am not more of a mother than you are. And you are no less of a mother than any breastfeeding mom.
You’ve made sacrifices, too.
Whereas I could lie in bed and nurse my babies, you had to get up in the middle of the night to make bottles.
And just as I hemmed and hawed over my breastfeeding diet, I’m sure you agonized over just the right formula you’d use to nourish your baby.
I don’t know why you chose not to breastfeed. And I don’t have to know.
You have your reasons, and you made what you see as the best decision for your child and your family. And that is all that anyone needs to know.
Hold your head high this World Breastfeeding Week.
Support and cheer on your sisters who did choose to breastfeed.
But don’t let anyone make you feel like less than a mother because you didn’t.
This is my 6th World Breastfeeding Week to celebrate as a nursing mama. And this year, I’m choosing grace for those of you who aren’t.
Go in grace, Mama. Go in grace.
~Erin
Related Posts:
If you do want to learn more about breastfeeding, read my entire breastfeeding series here.
Or read my letter “Dear Mom Who Tried to Breastfeed and Thinks She Failed.”
Read all of my Letters to Moms here.
Claire
Thank you so much for this post. I am an adoptive mother who chose not to pursue adoptive breastfeeding, and I have received judgment for that decision. If I had had a child biologically, I would definitely have given breastfeeding my best shot. I defend a mother (and baby’s) right to breastfeed anywhere, discreetly or not. And I have big issues with the way formula companies use subtle tactics to discourage breastfeeding, and how they overcharge for their product. But I have been dismayed by how some breastfeeding proponents, in their zeal, have been unconcerned about the feelings of non-nursing mothers. It definitely detracts from the cause and gives them a bad name.
raisingcropsandbabies
Before I had kids, I was very judgemental about formula feeding moms. As fate would have it, I have a lack of milk glands and have not been able to breastfeed ANY of my 4 children. Well, I have 2 milk glands in my breasts that produced 2 Tbsp. of milk per feeding. Whoop–dee-do. haha. Anyway, I was so humbled and I’m SOOO thankful I was humbled and am thankful for God’s forgiveness. I tried everything to breastfeed and saw so many LC’s… Anyway, I had a lot to work thru because I was one of “those” women and so to take out a bottle of formula in public was hard. No one knew my story and all that.
I used to think “breast was best”, but learned that “eating is best!” haha. No matter if a woman tried to breastfeed or not. Maybe she knew breastfeeding would not be a good fit for her and to force herself to do it might cause resentment and all that… so then breast really would have NOT been best for baby! haha.
I like your attitude. Be there to advocate for women who want to breastfeed and be supportive of those who don’t or can’t. Love it.
Signed, Eating is best. 🙂
Emilee
Yes, this was my exact situation with my son who was just born this past June. I attempted to nurse for 6 weeks and he wasn’t gaining any weight, so I switched to formula and like a miracle, he gained weight and was an immensely happier baby. When I was trying to nurse, I probably spent 12 hours a day doing that. Now I have time to be a wife AND mother, instead of just a milk machine. My boy is so much happier and my marriage has also improved, as the stress of nursing was taking its toll on our relationship. Formula saved my baby and my marriage. I was one of those judgey women as well, but having this experience completely humbled me.
Katie
I have to disagree, breast is not always best, not for every family. Formula was best for my family just breast was best foe your family. It is not ok for someone to formula feed, it is great that someone is using formula just as it is great that someone breast feeds.
Every family, mom, dad, and child is different and unique. There is no one size fits all way to parenting.
Erin@The Humbled Homemaker
Katie, did you read the post? I said the same thing.
Becky
Did you read the blog post, or just skim it?
Bethany
Breast is best as far as physical an emotional development for the baby as well as the development of the attachment relationship for mother and baby. Maybe you didn’t feel it would be CONVIENIENT for your family but that is a different question. I formula fed my daughter for selfish reasons and am breast feeding my son. I would give almost anything to go back and nurse my daughter. Not trying to be any sort of offensive, just speaking the truth. I’ve walked both sides so I feel like I can say what I have said and have a valid opinion.
Claire
And I’ve heard from plenty of mothers who have nursed one child and bottlefed another child, and have noticed no difference in their attachment levels or development. There is no absolute truth; it is subjective and dependent on many variables.
Paula
I hear often that babies are more attached to mother’s who breastfeed, and maybe they are; however, I breast fed my baby for a month, and I hated every minute of it, and because I hated every minute… I was resentful of my daughter and my husband. It was a nightmare because I wanted to love my family well, and I couldn’t. We gave it up, and I must say my daughter is VERY, VERY attached to me! She is always reaching for me even when her dad has her. She is over 8 months old now. I don’t think we have attachment problems. I could be wrong, but I love this post! Thank you for your kind words! I chose not to breastfeed and saved my marriage and my relationship with my child as well as my sanity!
JenniferS
“Breast is best as far as physical an emotional development for the baby as well as the development of the attachment relationship for mother and baby.”
So. Not. True.
What’s best is what gives mom and baby the peace and tranquility to bond.
I tried with both my children to BF and failed to supply enough due to insufficient glandular tissue. I have been a doula and BF advocate since I became pregnant with #1. But the 6 weeks I tried to BF DS1 were horrible because of the stress of it. The minute I gave my self permission to do what was best for all of us, and not fall victim to the bastardization of scientific statistics, I felt at peace enough to enjoy a feeding. And with that, to enjoy my child.
I tried again with #2, and even though it was not to be, I did have slightly more success. Still not enough to be his sole source of nutrition, but enough that he got more than his older brother. And I never felt there was any difference in our bonding whether he was on the breast or on the bottle.
A couple of observations about the post. Why do BF moms feel it’s necessary to let bottle-feeding moms know it’s all right to bottle-feed? I’ll stop short of adding the derogatory noun, but patronizing seems to be a bit fitting here.
I know this post was written in a spirit of love, to bridge the gulf that seems to grow with the way some women promote BF (especially during this time). But I would rather see a year-long campaign to promote BF every day than one week’s worth of daily blogs where BFing moms shower bottle-feeding moms with their pity, condescension, arrogance, and judgment. Because there is only one way to let a bottle-feeding mom know that her decision to bottle-feed is okay, and that’s not to make an issue out of it. If you have to tell her it’s okay…..
“This is my 6th World Breastfeeding Week to celebrate as a nursing mama. And this year, I’m choosing grace for those of you who aren’t. ”
And this is the line that ruined it. (Well, that and the one where it was claimed that BF mommas catch crap for it. Please.) Really? Grace? Dear Sister, have you looked up the definition of grace? “Unmerited favor.” Even the secular version is “special favor.” Both imply that the bottle-feeding mother is somehow unworthy of any positive attention, but you’re choosing to bestow it upon her anyway.
How about just giving her unconditional love and letting the whole BF vs. bottle-feeding thing drop? Give it a rest. Don’t mention it. Stop creating the schism. It only begets trouble, not healing and forgiveness. And when it comes to trouble, I have a phrase in my house: Don’t start none, won’t be none. It’s my reminder to my children to make choices that have the desired outcomes, not the negative consequences. But the same applies here. Bottle-feeding moms don’t need sympathy, grace, permission, or anything else from BF moms. Nothing else but love and acceptance. (We won’t discuss how much is wrong with not accepting a Sister because of her choice of nutrition delivery to her children. Mine eat Pizza Hut every. stinking. week. Who will condemn me for that?)
BF momma: more power to you! Keep it up!
Bottle-feeding momma: more power to you! Keep it up!
Both of you: forget what the “other” side chooses, or why they choose it. It’s YOUR family, YOUR child(ren), YOUR peace and happiness.
Sincerely,
A bottle-feeding BF advocate who doesn’t understand why we judge each other over this issue.
Claire
Maybe you should look up the definition of the word grace, Jennifer, because it is lacking in your comment. Erin didn’t shower anyone with a post that was full of judgment. Maybe your solution to this problem is to avoid discussing it, but she did not create this schism. She read an article about a woman who lost a friend over her decision to bottle feed, and felt that it was worth commenting on. You would have preferred that she not acknowledge it. There are probably pros and cons to either approach, but as a bottle feeding mother myself, I am thankful that she addressed it. I have been the victim of judgment by breastfeeding mothers, and while I don’t need validation, it does help to know that there are breastfeeding mothers who are capable of celebrating world breastfeeding week in a way that does not look down on bottle feeding mothers. I guess because I have been the victim of judgment by breastfeeding mothers, I know the difference between judgment and this post, and I appreciate her speaking out and trying to counteract the true judgment that is out there. (And it does go both ways, which is why I speak up when I see nursing mothers who are discriminated against.)
Stephanie
From a bottle feeding mom who had no medical reason not to breast feed: I love your comment! I was reading this and wondering why she felt the need to bestow her grace on us like we need grace for bottle feeding our children? I don’t need anyone’s grace, permission or approval for my choice to bottle feed. What I do need is for women to stop making it into a “thing”. I have had some very condescending looks and comments made by well meaning breastfeeding moms that really turned me off wanting to be around them. One of them was telling me about how her daughter has cut two teeth recently and is biting on her nipples and causing a lot of pain and said “That’s true love right there when you work through that to keep breastfeeding.” Because it’s not true love to make a bottle and feed your child that way? Eh. Maybe it came across more patronizing to me because of all the negativity I have read surrounding formula feeding. Either way, it was obnoxious to me.
Claire
Erin didn’t “make it into a thing”. That was done by other mothers who have chosen to make breastfeeding vs bottle feeding one of the many mommy wars (something you have been the victim of, based on the experiences you describe in your comment). And she isn’t trying to give you permission or approval. She is trying to counteract the judgment from mothers who have “made it a thing”. It’s too bad that you found her good intentions to be obnoxious, but the sarcasm in your comment and your decision to post a critical comment on a four-month old blogpost, three days before Christmas, could also qualify as obnoxious.
Pam
I bottle fed all three of my children for personal reasons and it’s completely offensive for you to say the only reason for it was convenience. That had nothing to do with my reasons. You might want to think before being so judgmental. My children are all grown up and physically and emotionally speaking , not breast feeding made no difference in their health or development. So in my opinion your opinion is not valid. It’s just another opinion.
bonded without breast
Everyone has a different experience. I chose not to breast feed and have a wonderful attachment to my toddler. My sister in law breast fed all of her children and she has no attachment to them…the reason: I am nurturing person with a lot of love to give..my sister in law is a shut down, depressed woman. Breast feeding did not change the fact that she is a shut down woman. She has zero attachment to her children because of who she is a person. Breast feeding or not breast feeding I truly believe the attachment is based on the personality of the mother.
Kristi
I pumped and hand expressed for TWO YEARS for my premature son who was born too small and too young to breastfeed (30 weeks, had to initially be fed through his umbilical cord), and then just never really got the hang of it. If you think that pumping (and all the sterilising that goes with it) is more convenient than breastfeeding, you are mistaken.
Holly
WTF??? You patronising BITCH!!! How dare you assume that women that didn’t breastfeed “chose” not to!!! It broke my heart that I could not breastfeed my daughter. My milk didn’t come in after I had a c-section because I had PTSD after a horrific experience and hours being separated from her post surgery!!! Seriously???… Get off your fucking high horse you cow!!!
Stephani
Whoah – calm down. She’s not saying that every mother who bottle feeds chose to; she addresses that lots of times in other articles. This article in particular, however, is speaking to the women that do *choose* to exclusively bottle-feed, without considering the breast at all.
This article https://thehumbledhomemaker.com/2013/09/dear-mom-who-tried-to-breastfeed-and-thinks-that-she-failed.html might help to address some of the pain and heartbreak you suffered at not being able to breastfeed. I’m due to have my first little one this October, and I pray that I will be able to breastfeed, although your story and others like it remind me that for whatever reason, that might not be possible.
Please don’t lambast Erin for this post because of your circumstances. This article isn’t for you – it’s for the moms who did choose not to breastfeed. I also pray that your daughter is doing well, and you of course, as well.
Kindest regards and warmth,
Stephani
Taylor @ Mama Java Crafts
Holly, it sounds like you had a very difficult birth and postpartum experience and tried very hard to breastfeed. I’m sorry you had such a rough time, but regardless, name-calling is uncalled for. It seems as if you misunderstood who this post is for. This post is directed to mothers who voluntarily chose to use formula to nourish their babies.
Victora
You sound like a 7th grader without the excuse of being in 7th grade. You may want to check yourself and consider how you deal with controversy ’cause your kid is going to need those skills as an adult…
Kate
Hi Holly, so sorry you had that experience, but I can guarantee you that Erin is not a patronizing B. This article definitely wasn’t for you, it’s for the mamas that want to use formula when they DO get the choice. Not only would Erin never criticize you for using formula, I’m sure she would sit with you over a cup of tea and cry with you over the enormous struggle that is an unplanned c-section, having your precious little taken away after birth for medical reasons, and PTSD. Erin’s mantra is GRACE, and I’d challenge you to re-read this, and some of her other pieces with that in mind. What you said was hurtful, and I’d be surprised if you’d address her (or anyone) like that if you’d heard this spoken instead of being able to paste it online.
Lisa Colorado
Hey. My mom was a preemie twin in 1942. Her mom didn’t have any milk. Know what they fed her and her brother? Two of the ingredients were karo syrup and cod liver oil. She is just fine. My lesson? There is a whole lot more to healthy parenting than the fact that the milk came out of your breast. How relaxed and loving are you overall? Is there hidden relational sickness in your marriage? Do you want someone else to be able to help you with feedings? I nursed my two until I started feeling kind of trapped and hostile, then I went to bottle feeding and felt better about being a mother. So, God bless. The only baby you get to choose how to feed is your own.
Kristy J.
I am a little disappointed in your word choice. You kept saying why you “chose” to not breastfeed. Sometimes it is not a choice. I don’t see why you felt the need to write to mother’s who don’t breastfeed. It comes off a little patronizing. I breastfed all of my children but also had to use formula as well. No matter what I did or how many lactation specialists tried to help me I could not keep up with the demand of my child.
With my last baby I tried everything and even felt defeated because he had an allergic reaction to my milk. I hated it. But I had to feed him somehow. So at 5 weeks old I stopped breastfeeding and went to formula. He was very healthy after that. I did not choose that path. God chose it for me. I know you are trying to be nice about your post but perhaps another word besides “choose” or “choice” would be better.
I think you are really asking for bad comments when you post things like this. I am sorry people felt the need call you names and curse at you. That is wrong.
Claire
Some women choose not to breastfeed, and some women are unable to breastfeed. Erin is supportive of both situations. This particular post is in response to an article (that she linked to yesterday) written by a woman who chose to bottle feed, and lost a friend because of it. If people respond with rude comments, that is a reflection on them, not on the topic or the person who wrote it.
Lindsey
I could not agree with this reply more. Saying that formula feeding is because of a choice shows a complete lack of empathy. I refuse to have gone through 3 months of extreme diet restrictions (no dairy, soy, wheat, nut, tree nut, or egg) to see if I could eliminate what my baby is allergic to say that I chose to formula feed her. This post should be deleted to avoid hurting other mothers like you hurt me.
Claire
It wasn’t a matter of choice for you. It is a matter of choice for some people. Those are the people who this post is addressed to (she wrote it in response to an article written by a woman who lost a friend because of her choice to bottle feed). Erin didn’t address this article to you specifically, and she wasn’t saying that it is a choice for everyone. But there are mothers who use formula out of choice, and that’s who she addressed this to.
Emily
She posted a different one for mothers that tried to breastfeed and were not able. https://thehumbledhomemaker.com/2013/09/dear-mom-who-tried-to-breastfeed-and-thinks-that-she-failed.html
Kristy Jensen
But how sad that she felt the need to write this blog post at all. As if bottle feeding mother’s need validation from others. I am just saying that posts like this is what divides women. I have a blog and choose not to post about controversial subjects because I don’t want to cause my brother or sister to stumble. In this day and age it is best to just not go there.
Erica
Kristy J., I couldn’t agree with you more. I happened upon this blog through a link within another site, and yikes! I don’t see how it’s helpful to Moms when another Mom feels like she’s in a position to “bestow her grace” upon them – for anything. Super condescending and a big turn off. In my 6 years of parenting to 3 young, healthy, happy and really great kids, I can say for certain that I don’t need another mother’s approval of any of my choices. I really think judgemental posts like this (and it IS judgemental) do nothing for motherhood unity.
Paula
As a formula feeding mom, I get lots of judgement from breastfeeding moms! It is awesome that she posted this letting everyone know that it doesn’t matter what you have decided for your child, we can all co-exist. She didn’t cause anyone to stumble.
Claire
I totally agree, Paula! If anyone did stumble, it certainly wasn’t Erin’s fault. Many of the critical comments misunderstood the points of this post. She wasn’t trying to validate bottle feeding or imply that everyone who bottlefeeds does it out of choice. She was simply offering support to counteract a situation in which a bottle feeding (by choice) mom was judged and lot a friend over her choice.
Erin
Thank you so much, Claire. You are a great encourager!! Thanks for understanding my intent!
Lauren
I appreciate your sensitivity and compassion towards women who choose or are unable to breastfeed, although I would appreciate a perspective towards a broader issue of women’s hearts in mothering . As a mother who has done combination feeding, I have found the “best of both worlds” in the convenience of formula and the nourishment of nursing for my baby. Personally, this approach has helped me to relinquish perfectionism, which is all too common among moms! Regardless of the issue, whether it be nursing or not, all moms faces the temptation of inadequacy or comparison. It is only in God’s grace and mutual encouragement that we can be set free!
Stephani
To all the mothers who are hurt by Erin’s letter to mothers who CHOOSE not to breastfeed, because they tried and couldn’t, for whatever reason, I don’t think it’s perhaps clear enough that this article is NOT FOR YOU.
https://thehumbledhomemaker.com/2013/09/dear-mom-who-tried-to-breastfeed-and-thinks-that-she-failed.html
This one is. The above article is to mothers who made the choice to bottle-feed without considering the breast at all, and have been shamed or ridiculed by the breastfeeding community.
Cassi
I don’t understand why everyone is getting so offended? She was being supportive. When people get super defensive about something it’s usually because of guilt or some other underlying feeling. Otherwise you wouldn’t let it hurt your feelings. Looks like some of you need to work some things out in your heart!
Jennifer S.
I am totally for breastfeeding. I’ve nursed all eight of my children – my baby (19 mo) is still going strong. I realize some women choose not breastfeed for whatever reason. I always feel a little sad about that, but I would never let it determine our friendship. I have one sister who enthusiastically breastfed all five of her children and another sister who quit after a few months. I never let it affect my relationship with her. As you say – her children, her choice. She’s a great mom and loves her children as much as I love mine. I’m sorry that this issue has become so divisive. Mothering is so hard we should support each other instead of making other moms feel bad for decisions they make. Thank you for having the courage to write this post.
Heather @ My Overflowing Cup
One thing that comes through to me when I read your blog posts, Erin, is your grace, love, and compassion. You remind us to treat one another the way we would want to be treated even when we disagree. The comments are pretty heated on this one so I just wanted you to know that I can see compassion in the way you write. Thank you for that example.
Erin
Thank you so much, Heather! My intent is compassion…so I am so glad that some people see it!! <3
Kiddy
I can honestly say I’ve never really thought the issue of breast feeding was so divided. I chose to feed the way I did based upon what was best for my children, and after saying that you’re probably surprised to discover I bottle fed both of my daughters.
When my first daughter was born nine years ago I tried breast feeding. It was a nightmare. Not the feeding part itself but the trying. She latched fine, and I would feed and pump to try to get the milk to come in. I ate right , drank water like crazy, visited a lactation specialist and after about two weeks I began to formula supplement because my daughter wasn’t getting enough nourishment. After trying for a month I was only producing about two ounces. I finally stopped and it was the best decision for both of us. Before I was a nervous wreck who felt like a failure and this actually hindered the bonding exeperience. When I went to 100% formula feeding the world changed. I was less stressed and more relaxed and I noticed the same change in my daughter. It was them that we really started to bond (over 4 ounce of Enfamil). Looking back I really should have seen it coming. I never even gained a bra size during or after my pregnancy. My breasts just didn’t produce. When my second daughter was born again without any gain in breast size I didn’t hesitate we started with formula only. It was such a different experience … 100% relaxed from the start for both of us.
I do appreciate you being an advocate of choice but I do have one issue with one minor point in your article. You said that breast feeding creates a better bonding experience. I 100% disagree with that. It’s the atmosphere, routine, and experience you create during feedings that create bonding. The singing, holding, rocking, and caressing that I gave to my daughters could never be replaced by anything; breast or otherwise. To say that mothers who breast feed bond better with their babies simply because they use their breast is frankly not true, any bottle feeding mother would say the same.
Erin
Thanks for sharing your story, Kiddy! Where did I say that breastfeeding moms have a better bonding experience? I don’t see where I wrote that?
Paula
Erin, you didn’t, but it is a common idea that non-breast feeding moms hear. When I was deciding to give up breastfeeding I had a mom, who was very outspoken and HATED breastfeeding, tell me… “There has got to be other ways to bond with your child other than them sucking on your tit.” 🙂 Made my day!
Samantha
I’m sorry that you’re getting negative comments about this, I thought it was a wonderful post. Somebody mentioned in one of the comments that they used to judge others who chose not to breastfeed before she was in a situation that required her to use formula, I think hits home for a lot of people. Not just with breastfeeding, but with parenting in general. I used to be very judgmental about other people’s parenting decisions, the way their kids behaved, etc. before I had kids. But, now I realize that us moms need to stick together and support each other and I try to always assume the best and judge with grace. 10 different moms can do things 10 different ways and they can all be excellent mothers.
Erin
Thank you, Samantha! I know exactly what you mean! And I love what you wrote: “10 different moms can do things 10 different ways and they can all be excellent mothers.”
Jamie
Thank-you Erin for this post. I am one of those moms who chose not to breastfeed my child. I bottle fed him. . . the soy formula :(. I wasn’t breast fed, I didn’t have any younger siblings or any other children and I never babysat children so, I had no prior experience. I smoked during my pregnancy and I realize that isn’t healthy (I no longer smoke now) and the nicotine would’ve came through the milk. I didn’t read blogs at the time and I didn’t really have anyone advising me on what was best for the baby other than those at the hospital who gave me formula as if there were no other options. I’m thankful for those who understand that we as human beings won’t always make the best decision and it’s not the end of the world. Do I wish I could go back and make better decisions? Yes! But, you can’t live in the past. There really is no point for this battle between those who do and those who don’t breastfeed to continue. In the grand scheme of things it’s a minor issue and it’s sad that people get almost violently angry over it. Anyway, my son eats healthier now. Hindsight is 20/20, you just gotta move on and do the best you can.
Erin
Thanks for sharing your story, Jamie! I wrote this post for moms like you!
Alyssa Marie Thys
Thanks for being an example of grace. We make choices for our families based on our beliefs and circumstances. Other people have the freedom to make choices for their families, even if they’re not the choices we would make. We don’t need to shame and point fingers because that’s not our place and it’s not effective anyway.
Erin
Thanks for understanding my intent, Alyssa. I agree with y9ou.
Jessica
How silly that you even felt like you needed to write this post–as if formula feeding moms are in need of validation.
Claire
She didn’t write this to validate bottle feeding moms. She wrote it to show that breast vs bottle does not have to be one of the many mommy wars. She wrote it to show that moms who do things differently can still respect each other. There was an article that went viral, about a mother who lost a friendship because of her decision to bottle feed. Erin wanted to show that that didn’t have to happen. What’s really silly is the rude, offended comments that Erin is receiving in response to her efforts to foster support among mothers.
Erin
Thank you, Claire. You understood my intent completely. <3
Erin
Jessica, I wrote this post to simply try to bridge the divide between breastfeeding and formula-feeding moms…to say: “Hey, we made a different choice, but that’s OK. I do not judge you, and I hope you don’t judge me.” I wrote it in response to a Washington Post article, where a mom who chose to formula feed actually lost a friend over that decision (which I think is very sad).
Kristy Jensen
I don’t think you accomplished to “bridge the divide” issue. Maybe even made it worse…In my opinion. If even one person is offended then it wasn’t helpful.
Claire
Actually, many people did find this helpful. Especially those who understood who it was targeted toward and why it was written. If women are losing friends because they choose to bottle feed, that is a problem that is worthy of discussion. If you choose not to blog about anything controversial, that is your perogataive. The irony is that there is nothing controversial about Erin’s post. She is trying to be supportive of mothers from different perspectives, and is being criticized for it.
Kristy Jensen
Well when you blog you open yourself up to criticism. If you don’t want criticism then don’t blog. I have gotten many nasty comments from people. It is unfortunate but it is open to the public. I believe she had good intentions with this blog post but many women feel so much guilt about not BFing and this may have put them over the edge. On her FB page she posted about the rude comments. That was very graceful of her. But at the same time people will always have an opinion.
Beth
I have to agree with Jessica. I’m a huge advocate of breastfeeding, however, I felt very awkward after reading this post. It did seem a bit patronizing in my opinion and I can see where these other bottle feeding moms are coming from. They don’t need you to tell them it’s OK. They already know that. They don’t need your grace, because they did nothing wrong. Telling someone that their decision is okay when they are not doubting it in the first place is just sort of strange. I believe this sort of thing does indeed widen the gap and fuel the mommy-wars.
Claire
You know what really fuels the mommy wars? When someone gets attacked and criticized for trying to be supportive and empathetic. And when a breastfeeding mother ends a friendship over another mother’s decision to bottle feed. I’m glad that there are nursing mothers who are willing to comment on that situation and call it out for being inappropriate. As a bottle feeding mother, I have been the victim of judgment. I am secure with my decision to bottle feed my adopted son, but I still appreciate hearing from nursing mothers who take a stand against that type of judgment. It helps to know that not all nursing mothers have that attitude.
nat
I’ve spent almost 6 months trying to breast feed my baby. I’ve been expressing all that time to keep my milk up. I’ve now giving up. He has to be on formula because he has issues with his weight gain. I have a freezer full of my milk for him. For me formula was not a choice but a harsh reality of the only way I could get nutrition into my baby… The word choose implies that I chose to bottle feed. I feel insulted
Claire
No, the word “choose” does NOT imply that YOU chose to bottle feed. It implies that the woman she’s writing the letter to chose to bottle feed. She did not address the letter to you. If bottle feeding for you was not a choice, then this letter is not for you. It is addressed to a woman who chose to bottle feed (in response to an article the woman wrote about how she lost a friend over her choice).
Erin
Thank you, Claire.
Erin
I’m sorry you feel insulted, Nat, but this letter was specifically written for women who did not try to breastfeed because they simply didn’t want to (and that’s OK). I wrote another letter for those who tried to breastfeed, who wanted to breastfeed…and had a hard time. That one sounds more applicable to your situation: https://thehumbledhomemaker.com/2013/09/dear-mom-who-tried-to-breastfeed-and-thinks-that-she-failed.html I hope it encourages you!
Victora
I have two children, both spent time in the NICU at birth, which makes it really hard to breastfeed. But regardless, I honestly did NOT want to breastfeed and felt pressured by the nurses and culture to do so- there was just this assumption that everyone wants to breastfeed and how could you NOT breastfeed. I was constantly asked “are you breastfeeding?” And told “breastfeeding is best.” I had low milk production on top of it all and was automatically set up with a pump and told to take fenugreek. Even when I thought about giving up, I was pressured into get a lactation consultant to come to my house. She set me up with this contraption that tricked my son into thinking he was breastfeeding even though it was essentially a drip line into his mouth from a bottle of breast milk that I had to hold above my head. How tender. Looking back on it now, it was ridiculous. Why was I waiting for someone to give me permission to stop the nonsense, or even better say, “It’s ok if you DON’T WANT to do this.” And I think there are a lot of women who are miserable but just faking their way through it because breastfeeding has become this badge of honor (kind of like “attachment parenting”). Even the author states that she’s “proud” of the 64 months that she’s dedicated to it. I hate to be snarky, but pride? Really? Why? Because you did “what’s best” and didn’t give in to something “easier” or “substandard” as formula?
At the end of the day, parenting is not about breast milk or formula…
Beth
Agree, Victoria. I wonder what Claire has to say about it.
Claire
Well Beth, this comment was written a few days ago, and I didn’t really feel the need to respond to it, but since you’re curious: I think Erin has ample reason to be proud that she used her body to nourish her children for 64 months. It is possible to be proud of something without being superior about it, and she has managed to do that. Formula feeding mothers can be proud that they nourished their babies in the way that worked out well for their families, and mothers can be proud of countless other things they do for their children.
Erica W
I love how we can all make different decisions for our own children and know that we are doing what is best for own babies. We live in a society where we feel we need to be approved of, but the truth is, God’s approval is really all that matters. If we lived in a way in which we did not feel as if we needed to measure up to others standards for us (only the Lord’s), arguments like this (breast vs bottle) would probably not occur as much. It took me a long time after my beautiful 8-month old daughter joined our family through adoption to realize that. I did have many people who questioned her health because I was unable to breast feed her, and I felt guilty. I now realize I am being the best mother I am able to be, and I rejoice because God has chosen ME to be a mother at all!
Jennifer DeFrates
Grace is the key to most the choices we make as Mommas. We spend way too much time judging each other. Being an example is the best thing we really can do. If someone is interested in our choices, they will ask. http://heavennotharvard.com/2014/07/30/winning-the-mommy-wars/
Sandy Arhelger
Wow, this is worse than trying to discuss the merits of being a stay at home mom vs being a working mom.
Why are women so nasty and judgmental toward each other?
Erin
I wish we could all just get along and respect each other’s decisions. 🙁
Kate
I’m sorry to say but I found your article a tad condescending. I understand that you want to offer a support, but choosing words I don’t hate you isn’t the best way to achieve it. Yes, I know who this article is aimed at, but still I find it inappropriate. Avd – although you say otherwise – a bit judgemental.
BTW, I’m breastfeeding my son – if I feel like it, think about how people who choose ff might feel.
Amanda
I did choose formula over BF. I read this article and did find it very patronizing. Not because I’m defensive for choosing formula but because the tone was ridiculous. I’m not certain of statistics, but I’d venture to say that there aren’t as many formula feeding judgers of BF who need to write an article to hold the hands of BF parents and tell them it’s ok they made such a choice. Yes of course milk is better than formula but all of us have different situations.
Claire
Well, if they’re judgers, they’re probably not going to write an article in support of nursing mothers. But that aside…you’re comparing apples to oranges. Nursing mothers are judged in different ways than bottle feeding mothers. The judgment that nursing mothers experience is usually criticism for things like nursing in public, nursing too long, etc. And I’m sure those nursing mothers would appreciate it if bottle feeding mothers defend them in those types of situations. As far as people having different situations when it comes to feeding methods, I think this article has addressed that.
JoLynn
I chose NOT to breastfeed because of the myriad of medications I take on a regular basis. While studies may say that some don’t go through breastmilk, I knew my family history of mental and physical illnesses were enough for my daughter to have to deal with and didn’t want to add any possible issues because of my medication that I was taking. Thank you for this article and for not judging.
Sarah
I loved the article. I just wish that people would stop confusing breastfeeding and nursing. I give my son my milk that I pump for him, making him breastfed. I have a sister in law who gave formula exclusive to my niece. Both of our kids are thriving and healthy!
Kendra
I agree with some of the commenters on here that the whole bottle-feeding vs breast-feeding issue shouldn’t even be an issue. In the end, we are all moms just doing our best for our babies. Period. End of story. There are lots of arguments and reasons for breastfeeding and there are lots of reasons and arguments for formula feeding. God doesn’t want us to walk in guilt or shame. No matter if you breast or bottle feed, you are feeding your child. If you’re breast feeding, don’t feel ashamed to nurse your child. If you’re bottle feeding, don’t feel ashamed to make a bottle and feed your baby. I think 90-99% of the shame we feel is in our head. We shouldn’t be seeking out our validation from other people. Only Christ can give us that validation. There will always be someone who doesn’t care for what you do. Accept that you aren’t going to please everyone and move on with feeding your precious baby, however you have chosen. I’m sorry for the long comment! This was a long and hard lesson I had to learn when my kids were babies.
Michelle
I can’t help but to wonder how well this would have gone over if it had been the formula moms writing this article to the moms who breastfeed.
As for me, I have four children and formula fed all of them. I could literally write a book (or three) with all the reasons why I confidently chose not to breastfeed. Breast is not always best. There is so much I could say after all my research, observing so many children (as a nanny) and after speaking with so many people from both sides of the fence. However, I only felt lead to state how I wonder what the outcome would be if I wrote an article to all bf moms letting them know “it’s ok”. A lot can be said about their choices as well. Especially those who don’t believe in practicing discretion. Grace to you as well 🙂
Erin
I would hope that it would be have been well-received, Michelle. 🙂
Claire
I hope so too, Erin. In fact, if I ever have a blog, I (as a bottle feeding mom) might just write an open letter to nursing mothers, telling them that they and their babies have the right to nurse anywhere and anytime the baby is hungry, without using a nursing cover, as long as it’s in a setting that is appropriate for babies to be in. If it’s an appropriate place to bottle feed, it’s an appropriate place to breastfeed (covered or not). Not that nursing mothers need my approval or permission, but I would do it as a counter to the negative comments and attitudes that they unfortunately encounter. And I thank you once again for doing your point to counter the negative comments and attitudes that bottle feeding mothers sometimes face.
ophelia
I don’t know a single breastfeeding mother that would shun that – literally. That is *all* I have ever heard a breastfeeding mom want. She wants to be treated as a normal person, doing a normal thing & not be made to be an exhibitionist, an extremist, a judgmental jerk, etc. I cannot even tell you how many times in nursing my kids someone has told me why they didn’t breastfeed. I can tell you how many times I have ask though – zero. Not once. I don’t actually care…at all. It doesn’t even cross my mind to be honest because I wasn’t raised around breastfeeding. I know a million reasons people I know haven’t nursed & I assume that anyone bottlefeeding has one of those reasons or others & what difference does it make?
So if you get a blog – DO write one telling breastfeeding moms tha you support her decision to feed her children any place she goes & for as long as she deems fit & I bet you will see – it will be well received. The only 3 things breastfeeding moms want is to stop being told where they can feed, *how* they should do it (covered) and at what age they *should* wean. If you hit those 3, you will have a fan club. <3
Just Plain Marie
When I had my first son, and I was in my early 20s, I felt oh-so-superior about breastfeeding. I was THE breastfeeding mama and I just *knew* there was no valid reason for any mom to bottle feed. Oh, yea, see me roar.
And then I had major breast reduction surgery … and five more children, all of whom were at least partially bottle fed. In fact, the only time I could usually nurse was at home. Out in public, they had to have bottles, and two of them had to wean at just a couple of months old so I could have necessary surgery (brain surgery and later hysterectomy/internal repair). So here I was this gung-ho breastfeeding advocate – feeding my babies formula.
At that point, I grew up a lot and stopped judging. I don’t know any woman’s story and as long as she is not endangering her child, it’s none of my business. I assume she knows what is best for her and her baby.
Erin
not true or I wouldn’t have written this post
Erin
I’m so sorry you felt that way. It was not my intention at all.