Healthy You
We should celebrate moms on Mother’s Day…yet also be sensitive to women who aren’t in that season of life. Let’s rejoice with those who rejoice, and mourn with those who mourn. I don’t think we need to pick and choose! Here’s what this kind of love can look like.
It’s humbling to say, but as a child, I never thought much about Mother’s Day.
I remember my mom pinning a corsage on her dress, and my dad would usually take us kids to pick out a hanging plant or something simple like that to gift her.
And during our church service, our pastor always, always had all the mothers stand. (And rewarded the one with the most children, the one with the youngest baby and perhaps the one who had been a mother the longest.)
Now I regret not making such a big deal out of Mother’s Day–because during the past five years I’ve come to realize that motherhood is not for the faint of heart. It’s time in the trenches. And sometimes it feels too hard.
My mom? She stayed at home to raise three children and served us sacrificially.
She stayed up late to help her procrastinator daughter (ahem–me) finish up school projects. She accompanied her diabetic daughter to children’s camp–because otherwise my sister would have had to stay at home. And she carted my brother back and forth to endless ball practices and games.
She gave so much of herself–even through two bouts with cancer and a diagnosis of MS when I was a kid. She always, always put others first.
Does my mother deserve a round of applause?
Do I?
No, to be honest, I don’t think I do.
Perhaps it’s because I’m still in the trenches of toddlerhood, but every.single.day I think to myself–I’m not sure I’m cut out for motherhood. The fact that I get impatient with my preschooler and toddler and wish they’d stay in bed a bit longer and cringe when it’s time to wipe poop one.more.time shows that I am not yet anywhere near the mother I want to be.
Should we withhold praise from mothers to protect those who aren’t?
I ran across this post the other day, and it gave me some great food for thought. Having grown up in a church culture that does so readily outwardly honor moms, the blogger’s perspective of Mother’s Day as a woman without children intrigued me.
In short, she admonishes pastors not to have mothers stand up to a congregation’s applause on Mother’s Day, as it can be very hurtful to those who cannot have children for whatever reason.
And, at first glance, I agree with her.
When I think of my {many} friends who have had miscarriages, friends suffering with infertility–and the mom of my friend who went to be with Jesus at age 17, I realize this: No doubt, Mother’s Day isn’t very easy for them.
At best, it is probably bittersweet, as some have other children along with those they have lost. But with those around them receiving cards and gifts and corsages and hand claps, it’s likely not a day they can ignore.
And as a Christian, I am called to compassion. Even when I can’t understand their pain, I am called to mourn with those who mourn–even on Mother’s Day.
But should our compassion for those hurting supersede our rejoicing with those who rejoice? For those who can revel in the fact–one day per year–that they have birthed babies and help shape souls daily within the four walls of their homes?
Honestly? Why do we have to pick and choose? Why can’t we do both?
Mourn with those who mourn…rejoice with those who rejoice
“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” ~Romans 12:15
What if we treated people this way on Mother’s Day:
1. For your single friend…
…who desperately wants to be a wife and mother one day…the one who volunteers to babysit your kids, so you can enjoy time with your hubby? Have your kids make her cards of encouragement and let her know she is like another “mama” to them.
2. For your friend struggling with infertility…
…acknowledge her pain–but don’t pretend you can understand (unless you’ve suffered the same).
3. For your friend who’s suffered a miscarriage…
…acknowledge that she is, indeed, a mother. If she has both live and miscarried children, don’t pretend the baby she carried never existed or that her grief isn’t founded. It is. Here are some ways to support your friend after pregnancy loss.
4. For the single mom…
Take her a meal. Invite her to dinner with your family. Volunteer to watch her kids. Acknowledge that she has an amazingly difficult job and that you are so proud of her.
Is she is a young, never-married mama? Thank her for making the life-altering decision to choose life.
5. For the new mama…
Encourage her that these late nights and early mornings won’t last forever and that being a mama can be the best job in the world. Here are some practical things you can do to love on her!
6. For the mama with itty bitty ones (like 2-3 kids in diapers at the same time?)…
Acknowledge that her job is hard but meaningful. Let her know it’s totally worth it.
7. For the mama who has lost a child…
Give her a hug or send her a card or simply a Facebook message. Acknowledge that this day must truly be bittersweet.
8. For your mama…
Thank her. And, yes, give her a big round of applause. She totally, totally deserves it.
Two eBooks on motherhood I highly recommend:
Hula Hoop Girl, by September McCarthy, is one of my all-time favorite books on motherhood. September is the mother of 10 (yes, 10!), and she writes with candor on how she once thought she could “do-it-all” and got overwhelmed.
I often take on too much and am easily prone to burnout. I felt like this book was written for me!
September also addresses how your children, husband and home are your ministry during a season. Read more about it HERE.
When Motherhood Feels Too Hard is by Kelly Crawford of Generation Cedar. She is another mom of soon-to-be 10 kids! This book gives short, inspirational, biblically-based readings for weary moms. I am reading it now. The name of the book alone drew me in! Read more about it HERE.
Barb Simeon
Thanks for sharing. I did not read yet the post you refer to, but it seems to me we have a problem if we cannot balance both. A couple planning their wedding reception, for example, should not have to stress over the feelings of their unmarried friends and family who are attending. A college graduate should not feel that they cannot invite to their celebration the friend who went straight into the workforce. Children hosting a party for their parents for their 50th wedding anniversary should not be hesitant to invite someone whose spouse died before the reached that same anniversary or someone who has endured the pain of divorce. At the same time, compassion and empathy are always in good order rather than going on and on making everything about us. Still…everyone has a mother. At the least we can be grateful for her giving us our own lives.
Erin
Thanks for the input–so true!
Cheryl L. Stansberry
All I can say is amen. Motherhood truly is difficult and there definately needs to be recognition for those who are responsible for growing nations from the cradle. Honoring moms is about glorifying the God who gave mothers the important role in raising generations for Him. I understand that some are hurt by the exclusion. My sister struggled with infertility for many years before finally conceiving and she had a difficult time with Mother’s Day prior to having a child. But we must embrace the roles and circumstances God has given us. Celebrate each stage in life but give honor where honor is due.
Erin
Amen!
Andrea H
I have a sweet little girl, and I’ve also experienced a couple miscarriages, and I do appreciate churches/pastors who acknowledge both on Mother’s Day, rather than just going totally overboard in the corsages, standing, awards, etc.
My mom has six kids and she refused to go into church on Mother’s Day before the sermon because she was paranoid they’d call her out for some award, and she gets panic attacks if she has to stand in front of large mixed groups.
The main thing I’ve done for friends struggling with one thing or another was just to email them on Mother’s Day and let them know that I prayed for them. I definitely appreciate that myself! Definitely not a bad idea to encourage and cheer on a single mother or one without a good support system as well, but most of the moms I know with a good support system will be celebrated plenty and have a great day without corsages. 🙂
Jessica @ redeeming the home
Thanks for looking at both sides. I have 3 wonderful children here on earth. But ever since we lost our last one at just 3 months old, mother’s day has been a mixed bag for me. My typical coping strategy is just to focus on my mom and keep busy…and hug my kids a lot.
Lois
Thank you for this article. My husband and I have tried, unsuccessfully, to have children and there are times when I feel left out-not part of the “club.” I have come to terms with it now, but when I was younger it was very hard. Thank you for bring the point up. Many people do not understand this situation and unintentionally say hurtful things. Just getting the information out there is helpful. Mothers should be recognized, it is a very hard job. Balance is the key.
Andrea H
I was going to add this: one mom brings stress relievers to church for other moms. sometimes these are cans of silly string, sometimes a small, ribbon-tied roll of bubble wrap. a fun idea :).
Laura Weymouth
Thanks for the post Erin! I did a similar one a few days ago…it seems like this May all I’ve been hearing so far is about how Mother’s Day is insensitive to certain groups of people. We definitely need to be compassionate towards others and understand that this can be a painful time of year for some, while finding that balance of still celebrating the mamas who are in the trenches, as you put it.
Susan
Your mom sounds like a true gift! My mom also had MS, it unfortunately took her life after a 20 year battle 7 years ago. Mother’s day is just not the same, and I feel exactly as you do – questioning if I am really equipped and cut out to be a mother – I am on my “second” round – having older kids, we felt lead to adopt and I am now a mom of a 3 year old. Some days I end up slumped down wondering what in the world I did. I pray for endurance and strength…..He needs me and I can’t fail Him now.
Stephanie W.
I know this subject can be different for everyone, depending on their situation. For me, I’m thankful for having both my mom and mother-in-law here with us still. So, I celebrate them. For me personally, though, it’s just not the same after losing our daughter a year and a half ago when she was 20 months old. I finally had to ask a couple family members not to send me Mother’s Day cards. It just sort of hurt more than it helped, even though I know they still wanted to acknowledge that fact that I am a mom. So, it is a balance of being thankful for our moms while not dwelling on our missing our daughter (whom we will see again!).
Gabrielle
I think you bring up some really great points and I love your practical suggestions on how to love these women in our lives who struggle with Mother’s Day. At the same time, the original post that you refer to was not saying we shouldn’t celebrate mothers. She was simply saying that we should have some compassion on this day. One dear friend of mine lost her first baby very late in pregnancy last year. She’s pregnant again and praying that her placenta functions as it should, but in the meantime, she is constantly asked “is this your first baby?” How hard would that be! And when we make moms stand and sit, that rubs salt into an already painful wound. If she were not pregnant, should she stand, should she sit? It’s a struggle and a painful reminder. There are many ways to honor moms without making things especially painful to other women. You’re right–motherhood is stinkin’ hard and we should acknowledge and honor mothers on this special day.
Whitney @ making the journey count
Mother’s Day is always difficult for me too. I lost my Mom in 2006 to breast cancer. She was the strongest person I know. But I rejoice in knowing I will see her again one day! I love the scripture you referenced in Romans. It’s so true that we must find a balance between the two, although I know how difficult that can be. Thanks for the post…some great ideas to help achieve that healthy balance.
Rebecca
I think any time you put the spotlight on one group, you marginalize another group….it just seems to be a fact of life. From the perspective of someone who grew up without a mom, I simply didn’t go to church on Mother’s Day because it was just too painful to be around other people who were celebrating their mothers when I desperately wanted one of my own to celebrate. You have a great point, though. Just because one woman is being celebrated or is celebrating doesn’t mean the woman in pain next to her doesn’t matter. And vice versa…one woman’s pain doesn’t negate the fact that the other woman is being honored. They still exist in the same space and both set of circumstances can be honored in different ways.
Jen
LOVE THIS POST! I’ve been in different situations every single year on Mother’s Day since I was married…first one, mourning the loss of my first son (stillbirth at 5 months). Second one, I was taking care of a super cute foster baby. Third one, pregnant with my second son! And now this year I will finally be able to celebrate with my own baby in my arms. Needless to say, I can’t help but think about ALL mothers, those mourning and those rejoicing – and those women still waiting to be mothers. And also those who have lost mothers (although thankfully, I have not experienced that…I still have my grandmothers here too).
Honestly, I used to be one of those ones who HATED when churches asked all mothers to stand (because the first two years it made my heart hurt hurt hurt) but I love the idea of both rejoicing and mourning. Even acknowledging the fact that some women are hurting would help (at least I think it would have helped me). And it would make it less awkward as well 🙂
Julie
I think this is a great post. A good reminder to think of everyone else.
I’ve been the teenage mom, the working mom, the stay at home mom, the mom who suffered multiple miscarriages, the mom who felt guilt because I have friends who were single and/or struggled with infertility, (Yes, I’m still praying for their miracles!) the mom who suffered a full term stillbirth, the mom who was pregnant after said stillbirth and desperately trying to keep it together, the mom who cries and longs to hold her lost son while everyone else wonders why she isn’t “over it by now” and I’ve been the mom of many who gets the comments about “so many children”. Now I’m the older mom too. 🙂
I really like one comment to the other article you referenced. The person said Mother’s Day was meant to honor our mothers, not ourselves. It was a reminder to go out and get your mother flowers or do something special for her and thank her for all she’s done for you, not to think about yourself and want to be honored or recognized. I guess that pretty much goes back to the feelings you expressed here. 🙂
Thanks again for the reminder. I will do my best this Mother’s Day to think of others and their unique situations and how I can help them with their struggles and their hurts.
Nikolia
We always made double grandma gifts on Mother’s Day. One for grandma and one for her sister who could never have kids. It didn’t feel forced or weird at all, our “Mamie” was really like our grandma!
Erika Roberts
Erin ~ Romans 12 is one of my most treasured chapters in the bible. So much great stuff in there! I have friends and family that are in or have gone through one or more of every stage you mentioned. I have thought about how it must feel but admit that before I had my own kids, I didn’t care much enjoy to knowledge it. We just focused on our Mom. Now that I have kids, I want to teach them to appreciate those who give to them (in so many ways) that is not their mom but that they love still. I want to take flowers or have them make pictures for the ladies at church (and elsewhere) that they want to knowledge. I think it will be something to see! : ) Thanks for this and I think I will share a link to this on my blog, maybe send some people your way. I just love it!
Erin
Thanks so much for sharing!!
Kristen Brantley
Well, those are neat categories; True ones, but somehow as usual this is a deeper topic and more all-encompassing than breaking it into categories.
There are mothers suffering as their children fight drug addiction; grandmothers thanklessly raising grandchildren who have no other place to go; loving mothers whose children have become alienated through no fault of their parents–children who have marital problems that have scarred the extended family–I could go on, but you get the idea. Yes, we can sit or stand while pastor drones on about mothers, some of us with smiles pasted on while our hearts are broken. We can be thankful for a semblance of normalcy that some families have; but we can’t ignore the pain. Be patient, and do not, as some do, accuse those of us with problem families of being “jealous” of those with postcard perfect children. It’s hard to walk in someone else’s shoes.
Erin
I’m so sorry for the pain you are in. You are right–no one else can know what pain others are experiencing. We can only hold space for each other.
carmen woitas
Thanks for your post – it made me think of someone scriptures.
Psalms 127: (3-5) – The fruit of the womb is the Lord’s reward…Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of (children)…
Isaiah 54: (1-10) & Galations 4: (21-31) – Paraphrasing…but you should read it when you can. The barren woman cries unto the Lord for not bearing children, but she will be blessed in taking in the children of the desolate. It is also a prophecy of how God’s grace would extend from Israel who have a mother and father to the Gentiles who do not. Kind of like adopting to have a child of your own.
The loss of a child was the only one where the mother unable to be consoled. I think even when you have experienced a miscarriage (I have and I have two boys) or lost a baby or child you can’t console a grieving mother…the Lord and time will help heal the wound if ever.
We should rejoice we have babies and not harbor guilt because others don’t. Pray for them and comfort them.
Erin
Thank you so much for sharing these Scriptures!
Donna
Why didn’t you include moms who lost their moms? Even though I am a mom to 3 amazing kids, I mourn on Mother’s Day. My mom is no longer living, I both look foward to and dread this day. I know that there are women like me out there, and we need compassion too.
Ali
On Mother’s Day I’m overwhelmed by the selfless act of my daughter’s birth mother who chose me and gave me the opportunity to be mother. Mothers Day is bittersweet for me as it must be for them as well especially for those in closed adoptions.
Snowdrop
It would be good to include mothers who have prodigal child or children, who turned their back to their mother, their faith, or even to their house. Who are alive, but lost… lost in drugs, or alcohol, etc. or lost in gender ideology. Since my daughter came out as trans, mother day (and her birthday) especially a painful day for me. Giving birth to a precious baby girl, raising her up and one day she says she is a boy, and determined to make every step altering herself to a man. Indescribable. Many of us can’t speak about it publicly, but bear in mind these parents too on Mother’s Day with compassionate heart.