In an increasingly entitled world, is it even possible to raise grateful kids? These 7 ways will help you get started!
I’ll never forget the moment my own entitlement dawned on me.
I was a 19-year-old college student spending a month studying in Costa Rica. I had only been out of the country once before–to the United Kingdom when I was 17. But this was my first experience in a country with a language I could only fumble through at the time.
While trying to order a Subway sandwich in a mall, the workers began to laugh at me. I felt my face brighten and my blood pressure mount. I’m sure I grimaced at the workers before I took my sandwich and made my way to a table to eat.
Although I didn’t say it out loud, I’m ashamed by the words that ran through my head that day:
“How dare they! How dare they laugh at me! Don’t they realize I am an American! Don’t they realize I am from the greatest country in the world?!”
Within seconds, the Holy Spirit gave me a nudge: “And why are you any better than they are, Erin? Are you not all made in the image of God?”
Talk about a wake-up call!
I wish I could say that my entitlement ended there, but it didn’t.
More than a decade later, I found myself grumbling under my breath that I was above government aid, that I was an “educated” woman, that I shouldn’t be “on the system,” as I waited in line at the health department to submit my application for food stamps.
Oh how those lean years humbled me!
I’m now convinced that almost every American has struggled with at least a small amount of entitlement–but, sadly, most of us will never recognize it. Truly, we have no idea the blessings we have in this country, as the “American dream” entices us to accumulate more and more.
How will we ever raise grateful kids in an entitled world if we do not even recognize it in ourselves?
Over the weekend, I started reading a book that is rocking my world right now, and it’s resonating with exactly the way my husband and I hope to raise our three girls.
I was so blessed that Tyndale House sent me a pre-release copy of Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World, but the good news is that the book is actually released to the public today!
In the beginning of Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World, the author, Kristen Welch writes:
“Entitlement didn’t start with my kids. It began with me. I entitled them because I was entitled.” ~Kristen Welch, Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World
That got me thinking: Just what are some ways in which families can seek to end our own entitlement and foster gratitude in our kids?
I came up with 7 Ways to Raise Grateful Kids in an Entitled World:
1. Give them chores.
I will be honest in that I did not grow up with chores. I didn’t even wash a load of laundry or cook any meals until I went away to college.
Although I feel my parents did use other methods to curb entitlement in their children, my husband and I are seeking to place a strong importance on teaching our kids basic household responsibilities from a young age.
We want our children to understand that their parents are not here to meet their every whim and that all members of a family contribute to the household running smoothly.
2. Give them plenty of opportunities to share.
Teach them to share toys, clothes, and, yes, if led to do so, even rooms!
Contrary to what popular culture may teach us, our children are not entitled to the “right” to have their own room. In our country, many children have more square footage to themselves than entire families have in many parts of the developing world!
I shared a bedroom with my sister from the time she was born when I was 22 months old until I went away to college. I can now look back at how it prepared me to share a bedroom with my husband!
Not only this, but it was a very easy transition to sharing a small dorm room with a stranger, who later became my best friend and roommate all four years of college!
Because our family was living in a 2-bedroom rental house when we added baby girls #2 and #3 to our family, we had no other choice but to put them all in the same room.
We were grateful to find a deal on a used bunk bed via a Facebook garage sale listing, and even when we moved into a 4-bedroom house two and a half years ago, we kept them all together.
Our three girls–ages 7, 5, and 3–know no different than sharing a room with their sisters. We believe it is preparing them for a lifetime of sharing space with others and that sharing a bedroom also helps reinforce sharing in general.
3. Limit their extracurricular activities.
Repeat after me: Your kids do not have to participate in every activity under the sun.
You aren’t a bad parent if your children do not participate in both music and art lessons, a different sport every season, gymnastics and dance, and even character-building clubs.
There is only so much time in the day, and it’s vital that they are spending time with us, the parents, during their “free” time–and not just the hours transporting them to and from their activities!
We seek to be intentional with choosing our daughters’ extracurricular activities, and we look for activities that will fit into our budget.
My husband and I have decided to limit our kids’ activities to one weekly activity. They can do other occasional extracurriculars, such as optional monthly or one-time-events but nothing that will require more than one committed hour per week away from home.
Right now, that translates into our older two girls–ages 5 and 7–taking gymnastics one hour per week.
4. Let them contribute financially.
Whether it be saving up to pay half of a new dollhouse, buy their own bikes, or contribute to their own educational funds, when we give our children the opportunity to work hard for what they desire, they will value it a lot more when they get it.
In Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World, Kristen wrote about how her family does not plan on paying for their children’s college education:
“We don’t have plans to foot the bill for four years of college, honey. You will get a college education if you want it and work hard for it. It will happen with a combination of scholarships, work study, local summer school, and your dad and I contributing what we can.” ~Kristen Welch, Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World
My husband and I are in agreement with Kristen.
I should preface this by saying that I am incredibly grateful that my parents worked hard for me and my siblings to attend college debt-free.
But we are living in a very different world than even that of the 90s and early 2000s. College tuition rates have skyrocketed. At the same time, the understanding that a college education is not always necessary to create a viable income continues to rise.
The truth is that it wasn’t too many years ago that we were barely feeding ourselves each month–much less setting aside funds for our girls’ college.
Even after several years of making a much better income, we still often feel we are recovering from how the Recession affected us. We are just now able to save for retirement, and my husband is nearly 40 (and I am 35).
We had nothing extra, and we know that many families are in that situation still.
What we are doing instead
Because we do desire for our daughters to have the opportunity to further their educations, we are doing something to get them started with the costs:
We are asking that grandparents and extended family members limit their gifts to the girls–which do not last long anyway–and, instead, take the money they would spend and give it to us to put in their education accounts.
It is not much–just a few hundred dollars per year–but we hope it will add up and have a much deeper impact than some toys would have right now.
5. Limit gifts.
We only give our girls three gifts at Christmas.
Yes, that means we don’t spend hours opening gifts. It means that they receive less than many of their friends do, but it’s very important to us to be intentional with the gift-giving process.
As I explained in this post, we give our girls a want, a need, and a gift to foster spiritual growth.
We want them to grow up knowing that these are more than enough.
The Welch family has worked hard to combat the mentality that more is needed:
“Entitlement winds its course through my home, and the more I’ve become aware of its subtle infiltration, the more I see and hear it blatantly. This is all I get? There’s nothing else?
“We as parents have to examine the question for ourselves, so we can say to our children with conviction, ‘Yes, that is all. We don’t need more.'” ~Kristen Welch, Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World
6. Travel as a family.
In her book, Kristen talks about how a trip to Africa opened her eyes to her own entitlement problem and completely changed her life and worldview:
“It was there in one of the world’s largest and poorest slums that I began to see my life and my own entitlement in light of how the rest of the world lived,” she wrote. “It shook me to the core and flipped a switch inside me that made me stop and reevaluate what was happening.” ~Kristen Welch, Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World
I believe it’s very difficult for Westerners, especially those of us living in the United States, to cultivate a true sense of gratitude and eliminate entitlement without being exposed to how the rest of the world lives.
Sadly, many parents don’t look past Disney World vacations when they are planning their family travels.
We have decided that we are not making a Disney World vacation paramount to our children’s childhood.
Will we take them one day? Maybe. It’s not on our radar at the moment. I am sure we will eventually go, but, to our family, taking our children on trips that will shape their worldview by experiencing life outside of the United States is more of a priority.
This past summer, we took our girls on a 5-week trip to Costa Rica, where they were able to participate in an Operation Christmas Child distribution.
When entitlement flares its ugly head, we remind our girls about what they experienced on that trip.
7. Name your blessings.
Scripture constantly admonishes us to name our blessings. I think it’s important to do this aloud with our children.
Two and a half years ago, our family was able to purchase our home, after several years of living on a low income. I used to sit in the driveway and just stare at the house, praising God for His provision.
I would also say–and continue to say–to the girls: “Look how God has blessed us! He has given us this house! He has provided for all of our needs! God takes care of us!”
These are truths that are simple, yet they are easy for even adults to forget. They need to be reiterated to our children again and again.
What are some ways you are seeking to raise grateful kids in an entitled world?
Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World is available at Amazon and other major bookstores. This book is rocking my world, and I think it will yours, too. Every parent needs to read it!
Thank you, Tyndale House, for gifting me with the book Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World. It inspired me to write this post and to continue learning how to raise my kids with a biblical world that honors gratefulness and seeks to abolish entitlement.
Lisa @ This Pilgrim Life
These are great ideas Erin. I look forward to reading Kristen’s book. It’s so easy to fall into habits of entitlement when we aren’t intentional because (generally speaking) things come so easily to us in this country. We do a lot of these things, though we could always work on consistency. Another idea if travel isn’t possible yet, is just to read books about other’s experiences, talk about how people live in other countries, and pray together for missionaries and believer’s in other parts of the world. Our church supports missionaries in Papua New Guinea and in Siberia, and reading their updates is always eye-opening and humbling. Taking the simple step to involve your kids in those updates and praying together is a good way to fight entitlement.
Erin
I love this, Lisa! I grew up in a denomination that placed a huge, huge emphasis on missions, and I was in a little girls’ group where we studied about the lives of missionaries. I hope to instill this love in my girls as well! Thanks for sharing!
Lisa @ This Pilgrim Life
Yes! That’s great that you had that experience as a child. We have so many missionary and historical biographies because I went through a phase when they were my favorite thing to read. We should use them more in our read-aloud time. I’m sure my kids would be super fascinated by John Patton and his work with the cannibals in the Pacific. 😉
Erin
I grew up Southern Baptist, so Lottie Moon was a big hero of mine!
Claire
Awesome post. I share your philosophy about entitlement, and I appreciate the ideas.
Erin
Thank you, Claire!
Keelie Reason
We do many of those same things. It is so important that kids learn that they should contribute to the world, not just drain it of all of its resources. We have always given our kids chores and asked them to pay for Christmas gifts or other things in the house. I let them pay for special snacks sometimes, or books, or something. I limit their toys and make sure they go through their toys so we can give them to the thrift store. I let my kids know that they are helping out those that want to buy toys by giving the ones they aren’t using. Besides, we buy absolutely everything we can from the thrift store, so we want people to give, we need to be willing to give.
Erin
I think we would totally be “real-life” friends, Keelie!I love that you have them pay for Christmas gifts. We have talked about possibly starting sibling gifts next year and having them use the money they have earned to buy for each other. Thanks for sharing!
Aunt Debbie
As always, your post has been inspiring, inspirational and is exactly “what the doctor” would order! Can’t wait to “hear” more from you.
Erin
Thank you!
Katie Bennett
I love this! So many of these same things are on my heart as a parent. I’m almost scared to say it out loud, but I’m not the least bit worried about paying for our kids college. It’s just not something we can put money towards and I have such confidence that God will work it out. I look forward to taking out kids on mission trips as we can too. Thanks for writing this!
Erin
It’s great to find like-minded families! I feel the same about college! I hope you get the opportunity to take your kids on a mission trip one day! We hope to do it again!
Sarah
I love these ideas! My husband and I agree that we don’t want to raise our daughter to be an entitled, spoiled child, and have already started taking steps in that direction. She’s only 1, so not quite old enough for chores yet, but when she does get a bit older, we’ll start asking her to do chores. At Christmas and her birthday (also in December), we followed the 4 gift only rule: something she wants, something she needs, something to wear and something to read. It worked great, and saved us a lot of money!
My question is, how can we encourage grandparents and aunts and uncles (who all live several hours away) to also help us with this mission?
Example: At Christmas, my mother-in-law texted to ask if our daughter needed a Christmas dress. She already had 4 (which had been gifts or that I’d bought really cheap at yard sales), so I said no, she didn’t need one. I tactfully gave suggestions of other clothing items our daughter will need in the near future and what size she would need. At Christmas, my mother-in-law had went ahead and bought a dress for my daughter, even though I’d already brought one for her to wear to the family Christmas dinner. My father-in-law even commented about “how hurt” my mother-in-law had been because I “didn’t want her to buy Harper a Christmas dress”. That was not the case at all! The same grandparents gave our daughter many toys at Christmas. I know they feel bad because they can’t always be around in person because of geography, but it was almost ridiculous.
I foresee this being a continued issue in the future. Any ideas on how I can curb it, especially in grandparents whose giving seems to be stemmed from filling their own needs/insecurities?
Erin
First of all, I love the name Harper! Honestly, it’s still an issue with us, too, but my parents live near us, so they see how we have so much and that our girls don’t need more! They have been more apt to give money instead. My husband’s family enjoys gift-giving so much; it’s how they show love from afar. But they have began limiting their gifts as well at our request. You can also ask for experience gifts, like for them to pay for a day at the zoo, etc.!
Cari D
To the original poster, I deal with this with certain family members. You just have to pick your battles. They asked you, and you politely redirected her. She doesn’t have the right to be upset about it. We had that happen my son’s first Easter. I had picked out an outfit before I had him. We had a family member who wanted to buy him one, I politely declined. She did anyways, so church morning, I took him in my outfit, but brought the other because I knew she expected a picture of all the kids matching. You would have thought I threw up on her the look of disgust I got. The hateful names I was called. You just can’t please everyone. It has taken 7 years to redirect my own family with my kids, and purchasing needs rather than all wants. We are getting there. Best of luck to you.
Abbey
Wow, this was a great post! A lot of points I never even considered – such as entitlement in our children beginning in us- eep. That’s a tough one to look at. I’m definitely gonna need to add this book to my list!
Erin
This book is convincing to the parent (aka ME!) for sure!
melinda
I love everyone of these. My 2 are grown, but now I’m fighting this with my grand baby, and ME!! I wanted to give everyone such a great Christmas, that I blew WAY too much money!
I have to get over the entitlement myself, so I can help my grands.
Thank you for this!!
Erin
Thanks for sharing! It is so humbling to see it in yourself, but I think recognizing it is the first step to recovering!
Carol
We agree! We have 3 kids and one thing we do is only one small gift from us for birthdays. We also ask that friends and family not bring gifts to their birthday celebrations because we want our kids to understand that celebrating birthdays is about fellowship/spending time with loved ones, not about getting gifts. Some people still insist on getting gifts so in those cases I ask that they give books as gifts. Also, our kids don’t get “stuff” during the year except clothes and necessities. Christmas is the only time they get new “stuff.” Love this article!
Erin
It sounds like we are very similar!
Crystal
This is a Great read 🙂 We actually do all of these with our children, although I am guilty of allowing my oldest child to try everything that they are interested in and make them finish out the season of anything they sign up for. We don’t do birthday gifts but do allow a family party (sometimes school friends are invited) where they are allowed to receive gifts and what money that is received goes to savings. We do 3 Christmas gifts, chores, room sharing and something I am going to add & take away from this is having them name there blessings. We do prayers asking for healing and thanking but never just had them name there blessings and I am sure they don’t hear me because it is usually under my breath or when they are in bed that I can actually appreciate or realize how blessed I am
Erin
The 3 gifts at Christmas has been such a good thing for our family! Thanks for sharing!
Gloria Paul
Good tips! We have two siblings we sponsor through a Christian program and it gives us a chance to pray for them and their village (They live in Africa) every night, and talk about how they live compared to us. I can talk about how blessed we are to have running water, plumbing, air conditioning, comfy beds, etc. My 5 yr old has started to feel very entitled to toys and things. So recently we said, we are not buying him things he needs to save up his chore money to buy things, but we also make him put money in a “give” jar too. plus I will tell him ahead of time before a trip to walmart. “we are here for groeries only, nothing else extra”.
Becca
Great post! My husband and I are working hard to teach our kids to be grateful, but sometimes I feel like we’re failing. Our kids (5, 3, 1 and 1 due in a couple months) all have basic & household chores they are expected/required to do on a daily basis (dishes, laundry, pick up, sweep/mop, etc) and then they can earn money for chores above and beyond (wash mom & dad’s cars, weed, polish furniture, etc). We do not place a priority on material things and we talk about how blessed we are – even in the “little” things. At bedtime, we think of 10 things we’re thankful for and include them in our prayers. We focus on how to share and help others, and especially those that don’t have even basic things for daily living. Sometimes I feel like these are helping and my kids are turning into caring, sharing and loving people, and other times they seem like greedy, spoiled children and I worry about them.
Tanya Feazell
Loved this post! And can’t wait to get the book so I can read it in its entirety. However, I do have a concern that I wanted to see if maybe you could help me with. I have a 2 year old boy and am about to have a baby girl in September. I’ve tried very hard to teach my son manners and respect and of course because he is 2 we are struggling with the whole sharing thing but we are constantly working on it. Anyway my concern about him and his sister growing up feeling entitled comes from the fact that they are the only nephew and niece that my one and only sibling has. My sister also has no children of her own despite years of trying. Therefore she spoils my son beyond belief! He has so many toys at home that she bought for him that they fill 2 toyboxes and still flood the floor of his room not to mention his own room he has at her house that is filled with toys! And she refuses to allow him and his sister to share a room even just when she is first born. She is in process now of turning her guest room into a room for baby girl when she arrives. She says my son shouldn’t have to share his room with his baby sister(clearly stating that he is “entitled” to have his own room). I’m scared to death of what’s going to happen when baby girl arrives! Help!! I can’t tell her what to do with the rooms in her own house. And if I ask her to stop buying toys for them I’m afraid her feelings will be hurt and for no reason because she isn’t going to stop. In her own sense of entitlement she has clearly stated in the past that she has the right to spoil her nephew. I just don’t know how to handle this situation. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
Tanya
Shalimar
Hi, love this so much! My husband and I incorporate some of these but struggle with others. Trying to get the kids to do chores is a nightmare. They prolong everything which makes us even more angry knowing if they’d stop playing in the midst of the chore they’d already be done!
I have dreams of taking my kids out of the country for mission trips but my husband doesn’t like flying. There are a few places in the states that are very poverty stricken that we may have to settle for.
I got into a big argument with my mom this past Christmas about wanting her to give my kids experience gifts instead of toys. She was angry I wanted “to break tradition” and immediately thought I didn’t appreciate all the things I got as a child from her and dad. She does live further away and knows we don’t have a very big home, so there isn’t room for all this stuff, but continues to get them stuff all the time anyway. I wish she would just strive to spend more time with them and make memories. So in that sense, my kids have it already set in their mind, that when they don’t get a lot at home, they will get tons more from my mother. My MIL doesn’t get as much but still insists they have stuff and doesnt understand why they don’t need more clothes. I just wish they’d give them money for their savings account. And both are heavy on Santa Clause, but that’s for another time.
Thanks for reading! Sorry to vent, but always looking for advice! Bless you!!
Stephen Altrogge
Thanks for putting this together. Raising grateful kids is such a challenge. I do want to continue to remind them of the blessing we have.