Healthy YouDo you know someone who tried to breastfeed and thinks that she failed? This letter is for her. (Or you!)
This post is part of the Breast-Kept Secrets series and the Dear Mom Letters.
I don’t want you to ever read my blog and walk away feeling guilty. I want you to feel loved, encouraged, inspired and motivated–no matter where you are in life! I hope this resonates with some of you. Go in grace, humbled homemakers!
Dear Mom who tried to breastfeed and thinks that she failed,
I hear it in your voice. I see it in your eyes. Someone–a “successful” breastfeeding mom–asks: “Did you breastfeed or bottle feed?”
You lower your head and whisper: “I tried to breastfeed…but it just didn’t work. I didn’t make enough milk, and we had to supplement, and by three months, my milk had dried up. I feel bad about it, but I couldn’t.”
And because you couldn’t, you avoid conversations like this. When baby feeding comes up, you change the subject, or walk away or–worst of all, perhaps you even avoid being friends with those who advocate breastfeeding.
It’s not that you don’t think breastfeeding is a good thing. You believe in it. You’ve read the statistics. You’ve done your research. Heck, you even wanted to breastfeed.
But pondering these things and being around breastfeeding mamas only fuels your guilt.
Dear Mom who tried to breastfeed and {thinks that she} failed: Be released of that guilt, dear sister.
Walk free.
First of all, if you even tried, you’re a successful breastfeeding mama in my book. So what if the “experts” say you should breastfeed exclusively for 6 months? So what if your friend breastfed for two years?
Those “experts” and that friend are not YOU. They don’t know why you had to stop breastfeeding. They don’t know the stress that it was causing your family, the underlying health conditions (yours or your baby’s), how it reminded you of being molested as a child or whatever reason may have led you to bottle feed your baby.
From a breastfeeding mama who has breastfed for 53 months and counting, let me say this loudly and clearly now:
You, my dear, are NOT a failure.
If you breastfed for 3 months, 1 month…even 1 day–you ARE a success.
Don’t feel ashamed for doing your best. Don’t feel guilty for nourishing your baby with formula.
Breastfeeding is not the true test of motherhood.
No, in reality, it’s just a blip on the timeline of eternity. It’s just one tiny facet. And…dare I say: There are much, much more important things that factor into the well-being of your child than whether you use breast or bottle. We should never allow a passing season in our lives to fully define us.
When I think about being a “successful” breastfeeding mama, I’m led to 1 Corinthians 13. This is my little paraphrase when comparing love to breastfeeding: “I can breastfeed my children exclusively for years on end and never break out even one bottle of formula, but if I have not love for them…I am nothing.”
I do not know why you stopped breastfeeding, and, really, it’s none of my business. But I do know this: You love your child. And that, my dear sister, is the most important thing of all.
I’m sorry when breastfeeding mamas like me make you feel bad about giving it up. I don’t think most of us mean to, but I’m sorry nonetheless.
And the next time someone asks if you breastfed or bottle fed–and I don’t care if it was even for a day–say, “Well, yes, I did…I did both.” Don’t feel like you need to explain any more.
You love that little baby of yours. Oh, how you love her! And for anyone to suggest otherwise–just because you don’t breastfeed–is just plain wrong (and mean!).
Go in peace, dear mama. Let go of that guilt and walk in freedom. Take that word “failure” out of your head. You, my dear, are a success.
Did you try to breastfeed and it just didn’t work? Have you ever felt like a failure because of it?
P.S. Are you a mom who simply chose not to breastfeed at all? I wrote this other letter specifically for you!
Carrie
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, thank you, yes!!! I have felt this way forever, and just this morning I was saying I have n.e.v.e.r. seen a successful pro-breastfeeding blog say “you know what, we did, but you didn’t, and THAT’S OKAY, TOO.” And have felt the shame because of it. Because it HURT to decide not to breastfeed. Or to not keep breastfeeding. It still hurts. And it hurts again everytime we have to explain it or see/hear someone saying it’s the only way to go. We wanted to (or maybe we didn’t). But we couldn’t, for whatever reason. So THANK YOU for raising us back up to Worthwhile Mom Status, when for so long we felt so…not. I would cry and hug all over you if you were here in front of me. 🙂 <3
Katie
Oh Carrie, You’ve got me crying. I was only able to breastfeed my first for seven months and my second for two. I cried for three days straight when I had to stop trying to breastfeed my youngest. I still hurt because of it. It’s nice to get this comfort.
Carrie
Hugs, sister.
Eloisa
I believe breastfeed is a choice for everyone. I am a breast feeding mom of 3 kids. I nurse my first for 1 year and 3 months it was easy i was stay home mom. I nurse my second for 7 months but i start working at 2 months so i have to pump that was the hard thing ever i supplement at 4 months and for me was stressful to supplement i feel like bad mother and that i was doing something wrong. With my third i am pumping again and now at 4/momths i have to supplement again. The gulty feeling just made me feel bad. From a breastfeeding mom i personally said sorry and apologies to others moms that feel bad for not breastfeed. We are valuable mommies breastfeeding or bottle feeding at the end of the day our kids feels our love, care and dedication all the time. Thank you good because my blessings call me mom.
sherri
I was a breastfeeding motther to my 6 children, but you are NEVER a failure if you do not or could not breastfeed. And never let anyone tell you different.
Rachel
Thank you so much for this!! My 3 month old daughter has rejected the breast for the past 4 days, along with my low milk supply, and not responding well to a breast pump, I am no longer able to breasfeed, and I’ve been beating myself up all day because of it!! I especially love your paraphrase of the Bible verse ““I can breastfeed my children exclusively for years on end and never break out even one bottle of formula, but if I have not love for them…I am nothing.” I love my daughter immensely, and I hung in there trying to breastfeed as long as I could, and I need to hold onto the thought that I am doing the best I can for her, and nourishing her with formula instead of starving her.
GB
That’s exactly what I’m going through. My daughter is now 4 months old and has completely (vehemently)opposed bfeeding. I have epilepsy and I was instructed by my dr to get 6 hrs straight of sleep- even at the beginning. Because of this, we have had to bottle feed from the beginning also. She took more than an hour to feed and sometimes I still had to pump after to get it all out and had to feed her formula to supplement! I gradually started pumping and bottle feeding more because it took less time. I was down to only nursing once a day and pumping/ bottle feeding then for the last week she has just refused to nurse! I am really sad about it but I keep asking the Lord to give me peace about it knowing that this is not but a “blip of time” and that the most important thing is that I teach her to walk in HIS ways! Side note: no one in heaven will be talking about breastfeeding lol. So let’s set our focus upward Col. 2:2,3
Gina
Lol…was this article REALLY meant to make me feel better about not breastfeeding? All I heard was you bragging about how YOU were able to successfully breastfeed for 53 months. Yeah…that didn’t make me feel better about my failure as mother. But thanks for trying, I guess.
Erin
I’m so sorry it made you feel that way. It was not my intention to come across as braggy or unempathetic at all.
Stephanie H.
I know I’ve posted my story before by here it goes… I exclusively breastfed my first child for a year before we both mutually decided to wean.
I was excited to breastfeed my “2nd” child when I found out I was pregnant for a second time. And then I found out I was having twins.
I was all set to tandem breast feed once my girls were born. However, they had different plans. They both ended up with severe acid reflux… that was entirely related to breastmilk. So we went to formula and I had happier, healtheir (because they weren’t violently throwing up every few hours), and content babies… no shame, however there is still some sadness that I couldn’t take care of them the way I know was “best”.
Yasmin
This is my story, please read. This post was forwarded to me by a friend, and couldn’t have come at a better time! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Yasmin
http://yasmina2121.blogspot.com/?m=1
Jessica
Great post, Erin!
Jessica
Great post. But I would add that there are “successful” moms who chose not to breastfeed at all. As in, ever. I exclusively bottle fed my sweet little girl because it was the right choice for me and my family. It seems that grace in this post is reserved for those who choice breastfeeding on some level — but that grace should extend to all mothers and fathers who find a healthful way to feed their little ones. Thank you!
kiki
Thank you for adding that Jessica! I hate when I get the stink eye for “not even trying” but I don’t feel I should have to explain myself to people as to WHY. Thankfully, my OB didn’t pressure me as I had heard was common now (especially in a military community).
We all have our reasons, and we all do what is best for our situation.
So a Kudos to those whose choice is to love their children unconditionally and give them the best care they can! 🙂
Stephanie
I completely agree that women who choose to never breastfeed can be fantastic moms. I got the feeling that this letter was simply addressing one component of the population, though. I had a friend who chose not to even try to breastfeed, and I found it sad, the shaming that was placed on her from a lot of directions. It’s ridiculous that all us mothers (and all those who claim to support us) can’t be supportive of each other. Breastfeeding exclusively may be best in an ideal world, but the world we live in is hardly ideal.
Erin
Stephanie, I boo-hooed over this article and all of the comments as my milk supply is down to 2oz a day, completely outside of my control.
I wanted you to know that your sentence “Breastfeeding exclusively may be best in an ideal world, but the world we live in is hardly ideal” added an extra layer of self-forgiveness and soothing to my soul.
Thank you!
Hali
I think she was addressing these moms because they tried to do something and “failed” at that making them feel like a failed mom. They wanted to go down the breastfeeding road, but they couldn’t for whatever reason, and so they had to grieve the plans that they had for their babies.
Sarah
Thank you for sharing this. We women who tried and then made a different choice do tend to feel isolated from many “mom” conversations. I sometimes felt less of a mother because of this but I love how you state that this time is just a blip on the timeline of eternity. Thank you!!
Karen
Is your baby growing, laughing, happy and satisfied? Then it matters not how the nutrients get into their little bodies. Enjoy them because they grow fast and this is not a hill to die on. If someone gets bent out of shape because you are following your own path for your family, then remember that it is YOUR path not theirs. They will make their own choices and many will not be choices that you will make. Relax and be at peace.
Katie
Thank you for writing this. I literally sobbed the whole way through reading this. You gave compassion, grace and understanding that I have not received during this tough season of motherhood. So much feeling of failure to not have a child successfully latch and nurse. I have three children that for all different reasons would not nurse. My first I made it pumping exclusively the first year. My second wasn’t able to tolerate breast milk and I dried up after a couple months. Now I am back with this same struggle with my third who is almost five months. He screams and will not even attempt to latch when trying to nurse him but will eagerly take a bottle. This has strongly effected my milk supply to the point of getting an ounce at most with a 30 minute pumping session which results in feelings of failure and not being able to protect my baby from the flu season. Thank you for your encouragement.
Amy B
Thank you so much for this post! When I had my daughter I was planning to breastfeed, and went ahead and nursed–she was crying all the time, and nursing 22 out of 24 hours! We went to a CLC and I found out I was hardly producing any milk–she was literally starving! She had lost 1.2 lbs from a 7 lbs birth weight!
So we started supplementing, and I kept nursing, trying pumping to increase supply, reglan, fenugreek, etc. I did all this for about 6 weeks, but no increase in milk supply 🙁 We decided to stop breastfeeding and use formula exclusively.
Hardest thing for me, because I think I had the mind set that I needed to nurse to show I was a good mama. But it ended up being the best choice–I wasn’t frustrated or discouraged by trying to nurse, and I was able to spend time with my sweet little one and not my pump 🙂
Jennine
I went through the same thing. It was so difficult but I was fortunate to have a wonderful lactation nurse finally give me the “ok” to stop. It was so hard but I had tried everything and it didn’t work. My daughter is healthy and happy.
elaine m
I had a similar experience… after seeing all 5 CLCs in the hospital’s staff, I was told the amount of “damage” my baby had done in the first 2 days of the hospital would require gel pads, special cleaning, airing out of nipples, etc. I also only produced milk on one side due to a cyst being removed from the other breast. I was told by a CLC that there was cancer medication that has not been approved by the FDA in America but is available from Canada that I could order to increase my milk supply. WHAT? I stopped going for bi-weekly visits after that. I felt like the worst mother in the world – what kind of mother cannot feed her child? Even animals can do that! It led me through a very dark time of self-doubt and downright depression.
I remember sitting at home one Sunday morning – pumping the heck out of my right breast – watching a sermon on TV about praying for our children, and God spoke to my heart… “there are bigger things to pray for. Pray that she would come to know Me. That she would put me above everything. Pray for her future friends, husband, children.”
I realized then that even though breastfeeding was “best”, I saw a bigger picture. I continued to pump for 5 months, supplementing with formula, but only because I felt guilted into it. I remember missing the first laugh, and the first time she rolled over, because I was in a back room, pumping. It took so much of my time away from her.
I am 9 months pregnant now with my second child and very conflicted feelings about breastfeeding. I do not want to rob my toddler and newborn of the time and love that is required to pump 8-10 times/day to get 20oz from one breast. I do not want to be tied to a breast pump yet still feel like a failure because my child is taking (breastmilk!) from a bottle in public. I just want breastfeeding to “work” naturally. I’m now aware that it’s not natural. Breastmilk is natural. Breastfeeding is learned.
Sorry for venting, but that is my story – and I hope it may help others, the way others’ comments here have encouraged me.
Thank you for this post. For your awareness and sensitivity to people who are in different situations.
Erin
Thank you for sharing your story and testimony, Elaine–and congrats on baby #2!!
Chantel
Thank you, as I write this I am crying. My 3rd and last baby is 3 weeks old, and ive had to stop trying to breastfeed. She was starving as well, and we ended up back in the hospital for 3 days before Christmas as she’d lost 2lbs from birth weight. While I know I just want her to be healthy, inside I am devastated. I’m also still producing a small amount of milk, enough to make me sad everytime I feel it let down….I never produced more than an ounce of milk despite nursing and pumping. I wanted this so bad. Thanks for sharing.
Ariel
Thank you.
Nicole @ CraftyBeards
Thank you for this post Erin.
Michelle
Yes!! I was only able to breastfeed for a month. I had a very low supply and ended up supplementing. I’m so glad I found this post!
Gabrielle@MamaGab
You are so right. I’ve noticed at MOPS and in other mom groups, when someone asks if I breastfeed and I answer “yes,” all the other moms sitting around the table feel obligated to explain why they couldn’t. And it makes me sad that the ugly mommy wars make them feel the need to explain their situation. They really don’t. I’m a huge fan of breastfeeding (43 months and counting), but I’m also fond of telling my mom friends that your method of feeding does not determine your worth as a mother. The same could be said of education; I’m homeschooling, but it doesn’t mean that I love my children any more than someone whose children go to school somewhere.
Jennifer Beatty
ThankYou SoMuch!
MomMom Hill @PassionateParent.com
What a great post! It’s so sad how a beautiful thing like breastfeeding has become a battle ground, a place where the enemy causes division. Thank you for a post that is full of grace and a beautiful reminder for all of us Mommies 🙂
Nicole
Thank you, thank you! Because of IGT I made one ounce a day with my daughter and 4 a day with my son. I pumped every drop I could. This brought tears to my eyes!
Cindy B
Thank you!! I have always felt bad for not being able to nurse my son past 3 months. He thrived and grew fine, but it just hurt so bad! I had always wanted to nurse my babies till they were eating table food. It has been one of my greatest heartbreaks. I was 37 at the time, and that ended up being my only shot at nursing a baby. Five years later I read in Keepers At Home magazine that moms over 35 should not drink very much fruit juice because it decreases their milk supply. I had, and I’ve always wondered what would have happened if I’d known that at the time I was nursing. He is 22 now & the experience still saddens me.
Truthfully, your words today are important and really helped.
Daria
Thank you.
Reading this has brought tears to my eyes. I wanted so badly to breastfeed my daughter but was unable to. The nurse who came to visit me at home in the first week made me feel terrible because I wasn’t making enough milk and didn’t know. She said I was starving my child and it was unfair of me to keep trying to breastfeed her. I couldn’t bring myself to even be in the same room during feeds for the first month because I felt like a complete and utter failure, so my wonderful partner was in charge of feeds. This meant that he got to do all the early bonding and I missed out.
6 months later and I still hide away when she needs to be fed in public because I can’t cope with the constant judgement of people walking by when they see me bottle feeding. I just want to cry and scream at them to keep their noses out. They don’t know the emotional torture I went through while trying to get my body to do something it physically could not do, the amount of supplements and medications I was taking, the litres upon litres of water I was drinking, the change in diet, the regimented pumping, the pretty much constant skin on skin, all the lactation consultants I saw…they don’t know that even with all of that, it would take me 5 days to express the equivalent of one bottle.
All they see is a young mother “taking the easy option”. There was nothing easy about it for me.
Thank you for being so kind with your words. It is really nice to read something that is empowering instead of leaving me feeling like a failure all over again.
Kim
Daria, you brought tears to my eyes. Please, I beg you, please, hold your head high, and feed your sweet baby proudly wherever you are. Look into her precious eyes and give her every bit of the love you feel. She will have a full tummy and a full heart knowing that mama loves her so. Smile at all those people who walk by and give you looks, and ask God to bless them and show them how to be supportive to other moms.
I know the looks you are talking about. My dear, sweet girl was fed from a bottle. I was lucky to have milk and I pumped for her, but she was fed from a bottle everywhere we went – and many times it was formula too, because I didn’t have enough milk for her. I suffered crippling guilt and postpartum depression because of not being able to breastfeed, and as a result, lost many precious months of simply enjoying my baby. She was over a year old before I finally found a measure of peace. Yes, I fed her and cared for her, but I was so sad. Dear mama, don’t give away another feeding or another precious day to the people who have no idea what you have been through. Snuggle that little girl close and feed her and love her and know that you are a WONDERFUL MOTHER. Because you are.
My daughter is 5 now. Healthy and happy. She had formula even in the hospital! I wish I could go back and erase the guilt and know that it will all be fine. So I’m sharing with you – it will all be fine. Love is the most important thing of all. Your daughter will be happy and healthy and beautiful.
Cindy
My first babies were preemie twins. They were in the NICU for 20 and 23 days. Thankfully, they were mainly grower/feeders… but that meant feeding tubes with my pumped breast milk. At around 2 weeks, I was finally able to nurse them… but each only once a day. When we got home, I had been pumping for 3 weeks, they had taken bottles the majority of the time, and I didn’t know what I was doing. I tried to breastfeed more, but they seemed unsatisfied, and finally at 6 weeks, I stopped pumping and nursing altogether. It was so hard, but I was so tired. At the time, I knew it was the best decision, but I’ve regretted it so much. Thankfully, I was able to successfully breastfeed my son and we just baby led weaned at 14 months. Thank you for this post.
Pam
Thank you, thank you, thank you! This about brought a tear to my eye. I could not produce enough milk despite doing “everything right” and didn’t realize how much BF was stressing me out until after I quit. We bonded more with the bottle than with the boob. Feeding time was enjoyable again and my babies were happy and satisfied.
Lisa
I just had to mention adoptive mothers too… I was a bottle fed baby… Not because my mother made a choice to bottle feed me but because she made the choice to adopt me… I know that she would have breastfed me if it was possible (and now it is with time, patience and meds) and now that I have my own kids and have breastfed them I look back and realize how small she felt when in a group of mom’s talking breastfeeding shop and the pain she felt when I had trouble breastfeeding my first and she could not help and had no answers or suggestions for me… My own daughter tried but couldn’t produce milk and even though i had successfully breastfed I didn’t have any answers for her… So, thank you for this post! and thank you from all the mother’s i know that bottlefed their kids for whatever reason!
Emily Quesenberry
OH! Thank you for this post! I have been struggling with these feeling NON. STOP. the past few days. One woman I thought was a dear friend, made some judgmental, comments about formula and bottle feeding. She said them with the veil of laughter but it still punched me in my gut and ripped my mother’s heart. I went away and cried. Many, many breastfeeding moms have been very compassionate and understanding over my struggle. I have five children and haven’t ever been able to produce enough milk or hold out long enough to produce enough milk. Most breastfeeding mommas are so wonderful but sometimes you do run across ones that can be plain insensitive. The enemy of my soul has ran through my head over and over what I could say to her-what my flesh feels I deserve to say to her. BUT, I keep giving those feelings to Jesus. Thank you for this timely post. IT brings a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes. Thank you. Blessings.
chelsea
Even though i ebf, Id just like to say, it bugs the crap out of me when someone asks “are you breast feeding or bottle feeding?” Its none of their damn business.
Aleisha
Thank you. Too many judge.
Ashley W
Thank you. A million times, thank you! Despite the fact that you are an active proponent of breastfeeding and the fact that (due to medical issues) I could only breastfeed for a couple months I have never felt guilty by any of your breastfeeding posts. On the contrary I have always felt encouraged. However there are other blogs and people I know who have made me feel guilty for my perceived inferiority. This post was incredibly helpful in lessening my feelings of guilt and I thank you for that. I’m looking forward to trying breastfeeding again when we are blessed with another baby, but because of my experiences I know I will be in a better place emotionally and spiritually if it doesn’t work out. Thanks again!
Lynn
Thank you so much. Wow. What an uplifting way to look at it. It means so much coming from a “successful” breastfeeding mother. Thank you for the helping me regain my confidence on the topic. Your blog was a blessing to me and I will never forget your words. Thank you!
Aprill
Thank you for this! My daughter had terrible reflux and stopped latching. by the time we figured it out, my milk was almost gone. Turns out she was allergic to milk and soy…and corn syrup. After 14 weeks of pure hell, and pumping, I gave up. So I tried soy and dairy free donor milk…and she still couldn’t tolerate it. I also had a toddler…i begged for help. I feel i literally did all I could to try…..but i still bad when people ask.
Bethany
As I read this blog and all the comments, I have to pause and reflect on how much shame and guilt that the breast-feeding/bottle-feeding debate has inflicted between mamas. I never had the desire to breastfeed and chose from the beginning to exclusively bottle-feed my son. I loved the freedom it gave me and never felt conflicted about my decision.
When I hear comments such as, “You’re taking the easy way out by bottle-feeding,” or other tales of how a mother sacrificed herself, her time, and her body a thousand times over in order to breastfeed, the message I hear behind those statements is, “You are not a good mom unless you suffer greatly for your children, day in and day out.” I think we can all agree that regardless of how we feed our babies, we are making sacrifices and choices on their behalf all day long because we love them, and want them to be happy and healthy.
So if you genuinely wish to breastfeed and enjoy the experience, then you should. If you would prefer to bottle-feed, then you should. I realize that this blog was for moms who genuinely wanted to breastfeed and feel robbed that it didn’t work out like they hoped. However, I think there are some moms reading that would have been able to come to terms with bottle-feeding as their Plan B, but feel attacked, apologetic, and that they owe others an explanation for why they are not breastfeeding.
So please, let us stop being so invested in how a mother chooses to feed her child. Is breast milk healthier for a baby than formula? Probably. But I strongly believe breast milk’s nutritional value over formula has been way overblown. As the years pass, how we fed our babies won’t matter. My son is one year old right now, and I know I’m not going to lean over and ask the other moms at my son’s soccer game in 10 years, “So, did you breast-feed or bottle-feed? Did you use cloth diapers or disposable?” Sheesh, parenting is hard enough already! We are all doing our best.
G
I didn’t Breast feed because my son did not latch on to me and this was stressing me . I would be so full and he would cry his lungs out because he did not know how to latch on to me …then came the savior of my life ..the breast pump.I was able to pump every drop and feed him( i did supplement with formula when he grew up and his demands were more than my supply) ..I was convinced this was the right choice for me.. despite being ridiculed by others !
Don’t worry mommies..we all have done /are doing our best for our babies!
Kimberlee
G, This is exactly what happened to me with both my boys. They were both so tiny…under 5 lbs and never figured out latching. I exclusively pumped for 6 weeks with the first and only stopped because he had a milk protein allergy and GERD really bad, and I trusted the doctor at the time. With my second son, I exclusively pumped for almost 6 months. I still feel awful about quitting, but it was so painful for me, and it was putting a strain on my family.
Erin
It sounds like you did the best for your family…do not beat yourself up about it.
Anne @Authentic Simplicity
Well said, and more people need to say it!
Christina
Just as everyone else has said – THANK YOU for posting this.
Nichole
Thank you Thank you Thank you! I have tears in my eyes reading this it resonated with me so much. Thank you a million times over.
There is no easy way out when your a Mum, there is just “a best way” for everyone, and that is not always the same!!!
Kaytie
Every. Single. Day.
I believe in breastfeeding. I believe in Attachment Parenting and cosleeping and eating real food and avoiding chemicals and all sorts of other crunchiness, but my body does not produce milk. I completely feel that the people I am generally very like-minded with in other areas of my life are the ones who bring the guilt the most. The wounds are still rather fresh, over a year later.
Chelsie
I am in tears. Thank you for this post. As a mother of five who went through many tears, blood (yes blood), pain and suffocating guilt, this is a breath of fresh air! God bless you!
Renee
My BF days were cut short for both my children, breast infection once and clogged milk ducts the second time. My sister had successfully BF three children for over a year each. Just wasn’t in the cards for me. Children were very healthy, and currently young adults. No guilt here. Wishing all the moms with guilt His peace.
Regina Murphy
Thank you for this post. I read this with tears streaming down my face. I have tried to breastfeed all 4 of my beautiful babies, but have struggled with hypothyroidism that cut my milk supply down to pretty much nothing. After trying every trick, pump, supplement, tea, food, etc. that you can think of, and spending countless hours praying for healing, each time I would have to resort to the bottle as my baby was underfed. I felt like such a failure each and every time. This was not my plan, and each time I would see one of my wonderful friends or family members breastfeed their babies for extended periods of time, I would feel like I must be a horrible mom. Reading your post is such a balm to the brokenness in my heart. I know that this one thing is not the measure of me as a mother, but sometimes it feels like it. When your baby is 3 weeks old and not gaining any weight even though you feed them almost every hour, you feel like a horrible mom. And when you tell people about your struggle and they act like maybe there is something you have not tried, you feel so judged. Thank you for posting this, and helping mamas like me who have struggled with this and felt so bad about it for so long. It is really appreciated.
Melinda
Thank you. When my first child was born I ended up in the emergency room with a panic attack because I couldn’t breastfeed. No one told me that some women have trouble, and just can’t produce milk. I felt like a complete failure. My son was actually starving. I tried everything. My breasts just don’t make milk. I understand about not making eye contact, avoiding the subject etc. . . my world is filled with, what I call, breastfeeding Nazis. Now I stand up and look them in the eye and say, ”it was obviously God’s will for my children to be formula fed, your argument is with Him! I can’t give them what I don’t have.” I’m so thankful for formula. My children are happy, healthy, and growing, but I still need reminders like this to deal with the guilt and shame society puts on those of us who can’t breastfeed. Thank you.
christy
Thank you, thank you thank you for this post. I am one of those moms who felt like such a failure when the option to breastfeed did not work out. My son is two and a half, and I still struggle with those feelings. Satan realizes this is a weak point for me, so he continually rubs the salt in the wound. I actually stopped reading several Christian homemaking blogs because I felt like every week I read another post that yet again reminded me that I could not bf and was a failure. They didn’t say it, but it seemed implied. This is the first pro-bf blog I’ve read that took this viewpoint. And, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you. I needed this!
Natalie
crying…thanks for this. knew I was going to breastfeed and didn’t for a minute think I was going to have any problems but after 3 days my baby wasn’t getting much milk from me so with tears in my eyes I grabbed a bottle and fed him. I loved him from the second he was conceive and tell him everyday! (he’s 16 now:)
Anne
To the moms that breastfed for as long as they wanted, and those that never wanted to, and those that just couldn’t make it work for one reason or another – I hope you count your blessings and remember that your children are gifts from God and he chose YOU to be their mother. Your love and support are everything to them, not how they happened to be nourished in their first year of life…
Kara
This is such an emotional topic for me. I have 3 children 7, 4, and 5 months. I tried to breastfeed all three and was not successful with any of them. It would take over an hour to pump 1 ounce. It caused me a lot of stress. All my children are healthy and happy and that is what’s important, not how they were nourished as infants.
Carrie
My pumping was the same way, Kara. Felt so defective. Never bf any of my 4 for longer than about 2 months (and 2 months was impressive, but I was still only an appetizer).
Crystal @ WisdomSeekingMommy.com
I’m so glad you wrote this letter! When I saw your 1st few posts in the Dear Mom series I actually went to send you a message about this topic – and ask if you wanted a guest post – though I’m not quite sure I’m ready to write my post on breastfeeding “failures” yet… My daughter is 9 months now – healthy and happy, as she was the 1st month of her life… even though I was starving her unbeknownst to anyone including the doctors – the only indicator was she hadn’t regained her birthweight – in a MONTH – bu the doctor and the lactation consultants told me to keep pumping and going. It wasn’t until the 2nd day after we brought the scale home so we could see how much milk she was getting in a feeding that I knew we had to act – .5 an ounce a feeding even every 2 hours isn’t going to sustain a 1 month old. I was terrified of giving her formula because of our family history of food allergies – and I don’t suggest reading the ingredients on the label – but I went and got one, crying the whole way, and she ate hungrily and happily. I continued for the next 3 months to give her what little I could. I found out one night my problem – and I’m sharing to give others encouragement and knowledge – I have IGT, insufficient glandular tissue – meaning there’s not enough gland there to produce milk – no matter what I did. This was huge relief that at least I wasn’t “doing something wrong” because everyone can breastfeed. So ladies if you are reading this and have struggled, please google IGT – and see if this could be some of your trouble. It’s not well known, when I told my OB, he just said “Yay, my mom couldn’t either. I’m not surprised you have this.” I believe with all the “junk” that’s out there a lot more of us suffer from these things unbeknownst to us. (Sorry this was longer than I planned – maybe I am ready to write about this :-))
Shellie
Thank you, thank you, thank you! This is something I deal with daily. I have 3 children and all 3 I have had problems with breastfeeding. My third we just found out that he had a tongue tie and then looked at the other two children and they had forms of ties as well which is what caused a lot of our breastfeeding issues. Now with my third I have made it 1/2 breastfeeding 1/2 formula feeding, he is now 6 months old. I still struggle with answering people that I do both for feeding and with certain people who always question me and my decisions to keep trying with breastfeeding.
Jill
I’m sorry but this post – while totally supportive and kind – falls a wee bit short. I never breastfed and never wanted to. And when I tell other moms that, boy am I scorned and lectured like you would not believe. I dont’ feel guilty from their scorn…but I am angry at being judged.
I love my son with all my heart and his health and wellbeing are a top priority. But I knew from the time I was 12 watching other women breastfeeding that it would never be for me. But it doesn’t mean that I care any less about my son’s health than any other mom. So yes, we need to stop making mom’s who “failed” at breasfeeding feel bad….but the same should go for mom’s who always knew breastfeeding wouldn’t be right for them, too.
Jessica
I could not agree more with Jill. Trying breastfeeding — when you know that your personal or family issues make it the wrong choice — should not be required to receive grace and acceptance from other moms. Plenty of children grow up happy and healthy and absolutely loved without being breastfed. Let’s love those moms too. 🙂
Erin
I agree that those moms should be loved, too–but this specific letter was to women who actually tried but feel like they “failed.” I may end up writing another one to women who didn’t try at all and made the formula choice. 🙂
Jessica
Fair enough point, Erin. Thanks!
Lori
MADE the Formula choice?? It’s isn’t always a choice. This entire blog post still makes me mad. No one is a failure UNLESS they are not feeding their infant deliberately. No one needs a bf mom to tell those that don’t not to feel like a failure because their attempt was a “failure”. It’s not a failure ever…this would be a much better post if the negative words weren’t used. Failure, attempt, choice. Dang it….I still don’t get why anyone needs someone to justify their situations.
Karen
This is a beautiful post!! My first baby was born 14 years ago. That was truly a brutal time to not breastfed. She was born early with a very eat sucking reflex. I had everything against me. The internet was new and so were message board. People were ugly. Sure, they can be ignored but their voices are always in the back of your head every time you make a bottle. I pumped for 6 weeks but got really tired of that. It felt like double duty and I was tired. My 2nd latched quickly but for some reason began to protest within a couple weeks. I developed very severe PPD and weaned in agony to the bottle. I have agonized over this for years. I went on the have 5 more babies all of whom I was successful in nursing. I became pregnant with #7 when #6 was only 9 mos. I had a threatened miscarriage when she 11mos and still agonized over weaning her to a bottle. I laugh now that it seems that all my bottle babies are my healthier babies. It’s ironic. I no longer have babies. I have overcome the condemning voices by God grace. I am now in a position to encourage young moms in ways I never was. Although I am a very strong breast feeding advocate, I have counseled many mommies that they must do what is best for their families and their babies. Interestingly enough, I think my willingness to accept them as a mom regardless has moved a couple of them to keep trying. I love this post. I appreciate that more and more women are speaking out as advocates for those who can’t or even choose not to breastfeed. Motherhood is hard enough as it is. We must encourage one another in this marathon not criticize. We don’t know the full story and it’s not our decisions to make.
Heather
Tried to breast feed my son and only lasted 7 weeks. He passed away recently and I felt I had faiked him in so many ways. Discovered after having my daughter he was tongue tied. If only I knew that two years ago.
Allison
Heather, I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine.
I planned on breastfeeding, but I ended up with a csection at delivery, which turned into huge 12 week ordeal because the incision got infected. I was on 6 different antibiotics, in the hospital for 2 more weeks and my daughter could not be with me. Although the drs said my antibiotics were safe for breastfeeding, I truly believe that they diminished my milk supply, because I had practically nothing after I was allowed to go home. I tried, I really did, but it didn’t work. My daughter did beautifully on Gerber good start formula with probiotics found in breastmilk, but I still felt guilty for not being able to breastfeed her.
We live in a small town of homeschool moms and home births. And of course these moms breast feed their kids for….well….till they want to stop. I was told I didn’t give it enough time, that I didn’t try hard enough, that there were herbs I could have taken to increase my milk supply, that I was in the long run setting my child up for years of sickness because she was on formula…I was berated, beat down, and felt like a failure as a mom.
Thank you for writing this, i desperatrly needed to hear that I am a good mom.
April
Aww. God bless you for such a beautiful post.
Aah. God is good. My first I nursed until she was almost 1 and then weaned because I was pregnant and couldn’t keep up with the calories. I did not feel bad then. She was torture to begin with and my husband kept telling my we could use formula, but I was determined. My second was really easy to nurse right from the start and I weaned at a year anyway. Both my girls started getting sicknesses one right after the other once they were weaned. Lost weight. That weighed on me. My third was born with a very weak sucking reflex and did not stimulate my supply. I had never had a problem with milk supply, and herbs didn’t seem to help. Pumping all the time to keep up the supply was horrible. I hated it, and it’s double duty because you’re cleaning and fixing bottles and taking care of your breasts. So when she started resisting breast feeding and biting down I’d felt like I’d tried everything. She was done. I was done. I felt guilty anyway. Even after quitting I would see something else I could have tried and feel guilty that I didn’t try it when I had known about it. Each baby is so different. All the circumstances surrounding why one does so well and another not so much. Each mom has her own threshold for learning or tolerating this new thing. I nursed my boy for nearly 2 years and weaning was challenging. So I can relate to a broad spectrum of women. lol
Lauren
Thank you so much for this! It’s true that the guilt has been overwhelming and soul-crushing at times. From watching mothers joyfully feeding their children to having to explain away my perceived anatomical shortcomings, tears have been shed more times than I could count. I never thought about saying “I did both”, but that is brilliant!
I will never understand why mothers that care enough to ensure the happiness and health of their child(ren) are judged by others based on the mechanism of their choice of nourishment.
Michelle H
As a mom who had to give up breastfeeding after 1 month with my firstborn & am still nursing my second, I agree for the most part with the author. We all need to uplift, encourage, and embrace each other – we’re on the same side, after all…doing the best we can for our kids. That said, saying that the type of nutrition doesn’t matter is misleading. Formula offers a ton of drawbacks. I won’t list them here; google the ingredients, recalls, effects when not made with sterilized water. It matters what we put into our children’s bodies, just like it matters what we put into ours! However, that doesn’t make one mom better than another – she has her reasons & I have mine. How you feed your baby isn’t my issue – whether your choice was researched & informed is. My switch to formula with my son? Not informed or researched…I felt the guilt of failure! But I also recognize that I had no other options open to me at that time, so the guilt is gone while the sorrow remains. I’ve given formula to my still-nursing two year old when she was younger. That decision was also uninformed, although necessary to get us through our rough patches. I am proud to be a mom – that matters the most. Be proud of yourself & your kids. And continue doing your best. 🙂
Amy
I really appreciate this post! I breastfed my first child for a year and when my second came along, I planned to do the same! However, for various reasons, I wasn’t able to nurse him longer than a week. Although I was okay with my decision to switch to formula, I definitely feel sad sometimes when I think about not getting to nurse my second baby as long. But I did nurse him, I did try, and I’ve put every ounce of love I have into both of my babies. So thank you for writing this. It was just what I needed. 🙂
Maria
I attended a baby shower for a friend and two sweet older ladies were raving about “the womanly art of breast feeding” and how it could solve any possible problem. (My friend was arriving in the mission field just a month or so before her due date). Although I have been blessed to ebf my 5 kiddos I know so many friends and family members who have had serious issues. I gently reminded my friend that although bf is natural and a wonderful option, (and I prayed with faith that The Lord would provide) we live in a fallen world so not every body can do every function “naturally”. I am thankful for formula but in previous generations wet nurses existed for times when women couldn’t feed their baby.
Erin
I think it’s so good that you pointed that out, Maria! It’s important that moms know up front that even though that book is great, it’s not a “cure all.” Happy New Year!
Gretchen
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I am struggling to breast feed #2. I feel huge guilt over supplementing, and refuse to go completely to formula. It has caused me to be depressed. I had an ultimately perfect birth experience and I think this “failure” has tarnished it. I needed this perspective and the tears I’ve shed to remind me what really is important. Because ultimately I have a handsome, healthy, mellow son to love on and that is what really matters.
Jeanette
I love that this post was made… people are so judgmental! I tried like hell to breastfeed my son… but he was born from a c-section, went in the NICU for 3 days, and I have PCOS and just never got my milk supply in, even when pumping every 2 hours and getting up from my hospital bed and walking down to him in the NICU every 2 hours throughout the night and trying to feed him. It was what I wanted, but just wasn’t in the cards. I felt so horrible and like such a failure and even now when he is a beautiful, smart, strong 10 month old who already walks, claps, waves and has said a few words, I still tear up every now and then thinking about how I wasn’t able to breastfeed him after trying so hard for so long. No one knows all of these details when they ask me and if I don’t feel like explaining the hurtful scenario over and over, they just make whatever judgments they want about me without knowing why I didn’t breastfeed and how much I felt like less of a woman and mother when I finally had to give up.
Lorraine
Thank you so much for this post. It made me cry… both for relief and also for the hurt I still feel from having to give up breastfeeding. My little boy has had acid reflux since birth and I managed to exclusively breastfeed for 2 months, but it was through many tears, frustration and intense exhaustion. He trew up at every feed and was in so much pain from the acid burn… cried that heart tugging cry of pain. I then started expressing and we saw an instant improvement when he drank from the bottle. So with that I started expressing like a mad person and we only fed him my milk by bottle. There was still some reflux, but it was a bit more manageble. I so intensely missed that special connection with baby at the breast that I tried again while we were away on holiday, only to experience that hurt again, like rejection, when my little boy started almost screaming after only 2min on the breast. I was so tired from all the expressing and could not enjoy simply going out somewhere, as I would either end up in pain from overfull breasts or leaking through mu breastpads. We started supplementing with formula to give me a break and gear up for me starting work again, as I have no facility for expressing at work. So I’ve always felt like a failure and still hurt from the rejection and missing that connection. Your post means the world to me. If only all succesfull breastfeeding moms had this way of thinking.
Charlene
Thank you for this post. With my first I had to stop just shy of 6 months when returning to work and was told by my child’s caregiver that he was not getting enough milk but was not using the paced bottle feeding recommended with giving breastmilk feeds. Eventually I changed to formula as the thought of my child starving was killing me. With my second, he self weaned just a month ago at 14 months. I still miss it but after having to change my whole diet to fit in with his allergies, I’m enjoying foods I haven’t touched for over a year.
I just thought I’d chime in and say that it is not only moms who choose to formula feed or supplement feeds that get judged. There is also a whole community of formula feeding moms who judge moms for breastfeeding. When I decided to breastfeed my kids, all I heard at every social gathering were negative comments and if we had the slightest problem – baby didn’t sleep well or his tummy was sore, or he had a little reflux, the only solution that was offered to us was – switch to formula, it will make life so much easier. When it came to baby number 2, we just kept quiet, when asked how baby was doing, we said he is fine, no problems, thank you. Us mommies need to realize that actually we are all doing our best, we all love our kids. What does it matter how you choose to feed your baby? I am pro breastfeeding but understand that there are other mommies who either battle to breastfeed or cannot go there for reasons I cannot pretend to know. Each and every mommy does their best. Judging is not necessary and will not make you a better mom than someone else.
Alicia S.
Thank you so much for writing this!
April
Thank you so much. This made me cry. My son is 3 and I still feel terribly guilty that I wasn’t able to BF more than some drops. I didn’t produce milk despite pumping every 3 hours around the clock and seeing 3 lactation specialists. Every time he gets sick, I question if he would be a “heartier” kid if only… I felt like a failure from day one of motherhood. Thanks for this. It helps.
Zilka
Hi there,
THANK YOU SO MUCH for posting this. I tried SO HARD to breastfeed. I did my best to both of my children..I could keep it up to 6 weeks but the it got impossible due to depression and physical problems. My oldest is 3 and the youngest is 1. I’m still feeling guilty and had been feeling like I’m not “mom enough” for them. My neighbour downstairs just had a baby and when she asked me if I BF and I sort of explain why I quit so early, she replied that in her country if something is hard for you, you gotta try harder, specially if it is for the wellbeing of your child. Needless to say, that broke me. I’m not sure if what I’m writing now even makes sense cause i can stop crying and sobbing, but thank you. Nobody has told me this and it means a whole world. Thank you.
Darci
Thank you so so so much for posting this!! You have NO idea how much it helped me! As I am typing this my 4 month old son is eating formula from a bottle because I have all but dried up my milk supply. I have tried SO hard to get it back, but I just can’t! I have felt like a horrible mom because of it! I honestly can’t thank you enough for this! I just needed someone to tell me that it was okay to stop. That I did my best and I still am regardless of what others say. Oh thank you! Thank you!
Erin
Be encouraged!
Angela
It was very hard with my son, harder because I had a mom who breastfed both of my brothers and me with no issues for up to a year. My son was so tiny, and I’m pretty well-endowed as it is. He just had the hardest time. I did it for 3 months before I started supplementing. He was 15th percentile in size. I did both (mostly bottle) for the next 3 months. Still 15th percentile. I started giving that kid some cereal, and he went from the 15th to the 75th in two months, and at almost 3 years old, he hasn’t looked back! That baby just wanted FOOD 🙂 Everybody is different. Thank you for the post.
Erin
Thank you for sharing your story!
Kristy
Thank you for sharing this. I have truly struggled with this to a point that I was told by my dr to just be with my own little family and those who truly supported me for a couple of month so that I could mentally get used to it and not feel so bad. So thank you for your loving and encouraging words.
Twinmom
As a mother of very hungry twin boys, it was at times a daunting task to breastfeed. It is not only physically and mentally straining but there are so many things you think you have to be doing in the mean time. My advice is NEVER NEVER NEVER give up! Seek help from a lactation counselor, unless you have no milk, which is a very very small amount of moms according to my lactation counselor, there is no excuse and not to sound harsh but you decided to have a baby so you should be willing to make any sacrifice to give him/her the best nutrition you can. I did make the mistake of supplementing at times when I felt I was low, with organic formula but later to regret it because that only lowers your supply more! And I found out that all “formulas” organic or otherwise have harmful things like cupric sulfate which is used to eat tree trunks etc. in them that is just not good for baby. Just keep nursing, stay in bed/recliner with your baby on the weekend if you have to bring your supply up. Stay strong, its ok to cry, its ok to be emotional, just try to relax (imagine waterfalls of milk-or something) dont give up and your milk supply will increase. I have breastfed my twins now for 14 months and it has been a long, hard road… but they are as healthy as can be and it was worth all the pain. If you absolutely cannot breastfeed, before giving your baby fake food, try weston a. Price’s homemade baby formula using real food- it’s much more natural.
April
How dare you use this article to promote more shame. No amount of picturing ” milk waterfalls” is going to increase some people’s low supply. Implying those who don’t bf are irresponsible parents is exactly what this article was combating. Shame on you. And by the way, I saw 3 lactation specialists and NONE of them was able to increase my supply. I guess maybe I should have just sat in the recliner as you suggested and thought milky thoughts while my baby was hungry.
Jessica
It is this kind of harsh, judgmental, scientifically ungrounded claptrap that makes me so angry. There are absolutely times when it is appropriate to “give up.” In fact, I never tried breastfeeding at all. My reasons were personal, fully informed, and I have a healthy and totally bonded sweet three-year-old daughter. Women have to do what is best for their entire families, themselves, and their new babies. And that is not always breastfeeding. Get off your high horse. Ugh.
Bethany
You may have meant to be encouraging by telling moms not to give up if they really want to breastfeed, but the rest of your comments were insensitive and completely overshadowed your (good?) intentions.
This blog post was written for moms who are trying to resolve and reconcile all the things that didn’t go the way they’d hoped in terms of breast-feeding. It was not written for moms looking to be shamed and challenged regarding how they ultimately fed their babies.
Whether a mother chooses breastfeeding, formula, or a combination of both, those are not choices that reflect the sacrifices she is willing to make for her child. Consider why you felt it important to point out there are “no excuses” about why a mom cannot or does not breastfeed, as well as your statement to “”just stay in bed on the weekends” if that’s what you have to do in order to breastfeed. This only says more about you and your own beliefs and assumptions, than it does about any absolute truth.
Jessica
p.s. I’m going to hope your comment was April Fools. If so, well done. 🙂
Twinmom
I’m definitely not on a high horse and did not mean to insult or hurt anyone, but as a mother, and a scientifically backgrounded one, the world health organization statistics prove that most women can breastfeed and I just think it is sad that many American babies have to lose out on ideal nutrition, which breastmilk is scientifically proven to provide when compared to supplement/artificial food. The rest of the world, from third world nations to the rest, breastfeed and do it for in many cases up to two years. I know our lifestyles/ecoomy in America have put a lot of us in full-time jobs and makes things extra hectic and stressful, my mention of imagining milk waterfalls was not meant to undermine anything but was an attempt to share personal advice that aided me in just squeezing by on milk production.
My goal of my reply was to just tell moms out there that might give up and throw in the towel, strictly in the case that she can produce milk as I clearly mentioned, not to give up because statistically she can do it and I know how difficult it can be.
At times it is easy to take things too personal, and miss the point of someones message. I am not a very tactful writer in terms of smoothing edges on my thoughts/advice. Please dont let your emotions get the best of you I really only intended on providing a boost to your determination.
April
You’re not getting it. For SOME people all the determination, pumping, seeking lactation people’s advice and every other person’s advice, isn’t enough. Despite your statistics, not everybody can BF despite wanting to. You make it sound like if people wanted to enough, they should be able to. That is not the case. And when you want to and can’t it is devastating. So please be mindful that many on this thread are in that position. You were fortunate to have enough supply for your twins. Period.
Twinmom
you did not read my reply. I said several times “unless you have NO MILK” and “strictly in the case that she can produce milk as I clearly mentioned”. I spent my time and thoughts on your problems to try to help your baby and just because my ideas are not bandwagon you dont value them, maybe you are the ones that need to get off the high horse. I love this website but I am done posting because differing views are clearly not appreciated. Peace!
Jessica
@Twinmom
I just want to let you know that I did not ever even attempt to breastfeed. And I have a happy, healthy, wondeful daughter and family. And a mother who was happy and engaged and bonded from Day 1. If you feel the need to judge that — to tell me that I am lazy or selfish or stupid or what have you — that says far more about you than anyone else. Thanks for proving the OP’s point about the guilt and judgment heaped on formula feeding moms.
Laci Jean
I’d like to know where these “statistics” are and how statistics even relate to reality. Do they ask every mother in the country about their lactation? I don’t even see how statistics can even be legit unless every living person is a part of it. Most mothers in this day and age work. That’s like working 2 jobs full time… I don’t blame moms for supplementing to make it easier for their families… But to say that most CAN bf is complete idiocy. You haven’t walked in another’s shoes and sat there trying every single thing professionals suggest to no avail. You’re lucky something worked for you… But you’re you, not us. You don’t know how heartbreaking this is or you wouldn’t have been so insensitive with all your posts on this thread. No meditation or thoughts of milk waterfalls works… Believe me I tried that too. I tried fenugreek, was prescribed Reglan… Ate “lactation foods” etc. After 2.5 months of your baby refusing.the boob screaming of hunger… You’d give.in too….feeding your baby is better than starving them! Shame on people like you who feel the need to belittle others. Not everyone who feeds their baby formula is lazy… And not all families.can afford.organic formula either… WIC won’t even allow them. Before you feel the need to judge others look in the mirror… You’re not so perfect yourself. We are all caring mothers or we wouldn’t have read this post.
Sheila Binkley
We have just the opposite from most mom’s on here. My daughter is breatsfeeding her daughter at 17 months and counting. We get all the time that she should stop and get a job. They live with me and I chose to work and provide for them so that she can stay at home with her. I didnt have that option when my girls were babies. In our town people look at her crazy because she breastfeeds and has continued to do so. I bottlefed my first daughter mainly out of fear. Fear of being a first time mommy and fear of not being able to do it right. My second I breastfed for 6 months. Would have done it longer but medical reasons prevented me from doing it longer. I feel no remorse for not breastfeeding my first. Thats just the way it was at that time. Dont let anyone make you feel bad for breastfeeding or not. Its your child and you alone choose what is right.
alana
Way to go girls!!! 17 months is immaculate!
Leah
Thank you for this post. I tried BF my first, he had issues with attaching, I used a shield, I pumped, you name it I tried it, for 3 months, it was agonizing. In the hospital the lactation nurse kept telling me, your breasts are fine why is this so hard for you, it wasn’t me it was my son, he couldn’t latch for what ever reason. The first night in the hospital, after trying to BF all day, he would not stop crying, we called the nurse, she took one look at him and said he is hungry. My stomach sank, the realization that I could not give my child my milk hurt. I tried for three more months getting him to BF, and I also bottle fed, eventually I got sick and my milk dried up. My second baby latched on right away, never had a problem, except for the sore nipples, cracked, bleeding nipples, but I did not stop until she no longer took my breast at nine months. Unfortunately women put too much guilt on one another, is BF the best for your child, yes. But it is not always possible.
Daya
I agree wholeheartedly! Thank you for posting this!
Kim
Thank you for this article! I really appreciate it. My “baby” is 23 years old. LOL I was only able to nurse her for about 2 months. I always wished I could have nursed her a lot longer. My second baby was adopted so I couldn’t nurse her. Well, this article was very special so thank you for writing it. At the end of this article I let out a big sigh and felt better about how things worked out. I think I still felt a bit guilty even after all these years. 🙂
Laci Jean
Thank you for this post! I have seen so many posts online about the troubles.with breastfeeding how tos, info left and right about making it work. Unfortunately for some of us… What we really want to do, breastfeed, just doesn’t happen. I was induced and by the time I gave birth to my son at 37 weeks my epidural was worn off and wasnt working so they gave me morphine. When my son was born they said he was tongue tied.. I only had a slight clue as to what that meant. I couldn’t get him to latch… Heck I couldn’t even focus I was so doped up on pain meds.(To all the women who choose natural childbirth with no drugs… You’re crazy, but I applaud you!) The nurse kept pressuring me… I was getting upset and said I needed a minute to focus and asked for.an expert. The nurse guilt tripped.me into giving him formula because she said his sugar was snagedously low… Well now I know better… Babies live off of colostrum until the milk comes in…. I’m very upset at the at the hospital… They all set me up for failure. I usedna nippled shield… He still couldn’t latch. Finally 3 days later I finally got a real lactation expert and she got me a hospital pump- the nurses before only gave me the manual pump I couldn’t get anything. The first week I did nothing but skin to skin attempting breast feeding with and without shield… I was able to manually pump.for about a week and it stopped working for me. He screamed at the boob and he was then getting less and less milk and more formula. For 2.5 months I was attempting(and failing) at breastfeeding, I had horrible anxiety over it and I ended up really depressed. You feel like its your fault… Even when it isn’t. Everyone encouraged me I reached out for help went through numerous pumps, took tons of fenugreek, reglan, ate “lactation producing foods”, etc. My OB was amazed at how determined I was to bf… Others told.me to just give up… I didn’t want to. The hospital should have clipped my sons tongue tie as soon as he was born… They should of sent a certified.lactation consultant as soon as he couldn’t latch. Even after his clipped tongue tie at 9 days old he still didn’t latch properly. In watched videos I talked to professionals. It just didn’t happen. I was essentially attempting bf, bottle feeding/ formula, washing bottles, pumping non stop. I didn’t sleep much… It was depleting me and it was more stress.than it was worth. My son didn’t want to bf. My body didn’t produce enough milk even though I did everything I could that was suggested to me. I hate the disapproval people have given me when I give my son formula… Its just not right. Unless you’re in that persons shoes you have no clue! It was the most heartbreaking thing I have ever experienced. My son is 7 months old and happy and healthy… And our bond is beautiful. Next baby I know better… But I also know it may just be my body and I’m just happy.to have my little man! I shed so many tears… It just wasn’t worth the pain at that point and I’m sick of feeling guilty when I fought to make it work.
Heather
wonderfully said posted it to our facebook page https://www.facebook.com/TheStorkTheNurseandBaby
Jane
Oh, how I wish you would’ve written this 10 years ago!! After a life-threatening, emergency C-section delivery of my firstborn (which left me feeling like a failure for not having a natural birth), I ended up struggling to breastfeed him. After 2 exhausting days of trying (with my very supportive husband), I started pumping. So I felt a little better, since my son was at least getting breast milk, even if it was through a bottle. After 14 weeks of more struggle and frustration (I was feverishly trying to produce enough milk so I wouldn’t have to use formula), 2 bouts of mastitis, and a mono diagnosis, I resigned myself to only pumping 3 times a day and supplementing with formula (another perceived failure). I walked around with those feelings of failure and guilt for almost 2 years before I realized that it was no big deal that I had a C-section, didn’t exclusively breastfeed, and had to pump. In fact, if I had it to do over, I would definitely start supplementing with formula LONG before I did to take the stress and anxiety off of myself. Since then, I had another child (and another C-section!), who latched on in recovery like a pro, nursed exclusively for 5 months, and wasn’t weaned until 18 months. I am so glad that I was able to experience breastfeeding with my second child, but that also made me realize even more that bottle-feeding is not the end of the world. In fact, it really means very little how you choose (or maybe you have no choice) to nourish your child. As you said, you are loving that child either way. So glad you posted this! I hope it helps many, many mommas out there who are struggling with such issues!
MrsSibona
Thank you for this.
I was able to feed my first son for only 2 days. I caught the flu right after he was born. I was sick for nearly 2 weeks. In those two weeks, my milk vanished. We tried everything to get is back, it never returned. My second son was fed just once. My milk never fully came in, so all I had was just barely enough for his one feeding.
With my first son, we went to parenting classes and such because we had zero idea of anything. One of the other couples we were talking with and the instructor brought up having formula ready for the birth. Naturally, the instructor said that they were prepared for anything and everything. The instructor asked why wasn’t she planning on breastfeeding. The lady said that she had battled breast cancer when she was younger and her breast were removed and rebuilt and now the were just for show. My heart hurt for her because she fought so hard to get where she was. And now, she was blessed with this miracle baby. It made me feel so lucky, as awful as that sounds. I was perfectly healthy and completely able to feed my son. It took a bit to get it right, but it was amazing when we finally clicked. His face was so calm and sweet. Then, I woke up sick as ever a few days later and I thought for sure that I had failed because I couldn’t do it. I had one job to do and I couldn’t do it. I honestly felt horrible. The nurses explained that because I was so sick, I would be doing more harm than good by feeding while sick. My husband took over while I was recouping and they got to share quite a bit of quality time.
My second son, oh my. I don’t know why my milk refused to come. The nurses said it happens some times. Well, okay, but come on! Why couldn’t I do this? What was wrong with me? I have a job to do.
It took some time to realize that it just wasn’t meant to be. And that’s okay. Both of my sons are happy, healthy and growing by the minute. I am most thankful for that.
Andrea
Most women who chose not to breast feed do not normally respond the same when asked about breast feeding as a woman has tried and believe they have failed. I am an advocate for any woman who wants to breast feed to give it a go. If it doesn’t work out I agree so much with this article you have actually won because you gave it a chance.
Monica
I proudly tell people I breast fed all 4 of my children. they are now 20, 19, 14, and 9. My oldest was a early by 9 weeks. I never actually nursed her, I pumped for 3 months and fed her by bottle. She never latched on. My 2nd, I nursed him till he was 14 months. 🙂 my 3rd I only nursed him till he was 4 months old. My 4th I think she was 18 months old when she stopped nursing.
My oldest daughter just had her 1st baby, and as a great gift I gave her a wonderful top end pump. I explained to her each baby is different. If you need the pump its here… If you don’t need it with this first baby you may need it with the 2nd. She had an emergency C-Section and has relied heavily on the pump. The first week was really difficult for her to nurse, Mom and baby are doing fine, God truly blessed our family. My daughter is my Hero.
I applaud any mother who attempts to nurse their babies. Its hard work sometimes. I know I was there and survived.
Rebecca
I am in tears. I tried desperately to breastfeed both of my children. My daughter would not latch no matter what I tried, my dear mother and I cried and struggled for two weeks to no avail. Eventually I pumped for 3 months and had to supplement with formula, until I got mastitis and lost my supply completely. When my son came along I was so full of hope, this time would be different! My milk did not come in for 10 days! My breasts were so engorged it was like asking my child to latch onto a basketball. When my milk finally came down I got him to latch but he would put my nipple under his tongue and then in frustration bite me. Again I went to a lactation consultant, I tried nipple guards, I did everything the LC told me to do. I pumped to keep my supply up but still my son bit me every time. After 2 weeks he had lost enough weight that our pediatrician was concerned and said he may need to be hospitalized. I failed, AGAIN. Why was this so hard for me?! My friends whipped their boob out and their kid was on it like no big deal. How could I suck so badly at this?! Why couldn’t I do this ‘simple’ thing? FAIL FAIL FAIL. That was all I could think about.
Eventually I had to pump and bottle feed. It was not unusual for me to be pumping and bottle feeding my son at the same time. I produced twice what he could eat so I started freezing milk. After six months I had enough frozen I could stop pumping and still give him mostly breast milk.
I still felt that I had failed my son. Though my mind tells me I did all that I could my heart will always live with the deep pain of never experiencing the joy of breastfeeding my children. I don’t get a do over. I can’t have any more children. The pain is still there 5 years later. I look with envy upon my friends breastfeeding their babies, smiling as we talk, while inside I am crying.
alana
frozen back up supply!!! way to goooo Rebecca.
Rosa
Thank you for this, I loved this read! I had my twin girls 7 months ago. In the hospital, nursing went good. They latched perfectly and we were tandem breastfeeding for 20 minutes every two hours. It felt amazing, but I had a lactation consultant there every time. Let me back up, my girls were born at 36w+5d perfectly healthy weighing 6lbs and 6lbs 13oz. No nicu time and vaginal delivery. I had a blood hemorrhage after the delivery and they didn’t realize until a few hours later. I had to get a dnc, it was the most pain I’ve ever been in. Thankfully, I didn’t need a blood transfusion though. We left the hospital when they were two days old, but I was extremely exhausted only having a few hours of sleep the last few days. When we got home at 5pm, we nursed a couple times and it went good. Then the first night feeding at 10 and 12 came, they wouldn’t latch. My husband and sister sat beside for 40 minutes trying to help and they just wouldn’t latch. I was so overwhelmed, I have in and said give them some formula. They have to eat! The next day I had an anxiety attack and couldn’t sleep at all, because I kept thinking something was going to happen to my girls. My husband called my doctor, he gave my husband a little pep talk and told him to get me some sleep aid pills and come in the office on Monday. I finally got some sleep, but was so overwhelmed I slept most of that day and didn’t fb or pump. The next day I felt 100% better thanks to sleep, my husband, my sister, and my parents being there to help so much with the girls and emotionally. I was crying about everything good and bad. The next day I started pumping and was so thrilled my milk had come in. We went to a lactation consultant where we found that they could latch on, but were only transferring less than an ounce in 20 minutes. So I decided to only pump. I lasted 2 months, supplementing half of their bottles. It was so overwhelming: pumping, feeding, changing, repeat. I felt like I couldn’t really connect with them. So after crying numerous times to my very supportive husband, I decided it was best for me and my family to stop. Every time I make a bottle, I feel guilt and like a failure! I wanted that bf connection so bad, but then I remember how it was and how I felt and ik what I did was best for my family. I hope next time we have a baby, I am able to bf longer. Thank you for writing this, I feel so ashamed every time I pull out those two bottles with water and put formula in them in public or when people see me with my twins and say they are so cute, do you breastfeed?” I don’t want to explain or say anything, I just want to move on with my day. This makes me feel a little better about it, so thanks!:)
Ana
Thank you! Perhaps it’s the hormones of being pregnant with #2 or perhaps I still feel that guilty about it but I was crying two lines in lol thinking “I do that”. I avoid the conversation, I feel guilty saying “I stopped supplementing and switched just too formula at three months”. I had big dreams as a first time mom of breastfeeding, pumping a ton so even if I was away or when I went back to work she wouldnt need formula. How it played out for us could not have been more opposite. There was guilt, there was stress, there were tears. I can finally tell my friends and family I don’t regret my decision, it was best for my baby, and I refuse to feel guilty if I have to give my next one formula. But they have heard why we stopped. I still can’t have that conversation with strangers or casual friends with out 15 minutes of explanation and feeling the need to justify myself. It’s silly. I hope all moms read this and take ot too heart. And that people who breastfeed are conscious of their response when someone says they used formula or mindful of their tone when they ask. There’s enough criticism between moms. Let’s end the mommy wars and just support each other and through the chaos 🙂
Jessica
I exclusively formula fed my two children and never tried to breastfeed at all. I just knew that breastfeeding was not for me, or my family. And you know what? I’ve never felt a moment of guilt about my decision. In fact, reading all these stories just makes me feel that much better about my decision. My children are happy and healthy and if they were much more bonded to me they’d be physically connected – ha! Formula feeding isn’t failure. Formula feeding isn’t wrong. Formula feeding is a wonderful freeing choice for many women and families who don’t want to go through the physical pain, anguish, guilt, and sleeplessness of breastfeeding. Formula feeding moms — feel good! 🙂
Jessica
Oh — and it’s increasingly being recognized that breastfeeding is not a “magic health pill” as it’s been portrayed. Hanna Rosin wrote a great article for The Atlantic (a very reputable magazine) debunking most of the health claims. They’ve also now done a study showing that siblings — one of whom was breastfed and one of whom was formula fed — had LITERALLY NO DIFFERENCE in health. Many of the so-called benefits of breastfeeding are just differences in socio-economics.
Ashley
Thank you for this insightful blog! I tried to breast feed with my first and it was a very emotional experience for baby and Mom. I believe wholeheartedly in the benefits of breast feeding and it was nice to hear that I shouldn’t be shamed for not ‘sticking it out’.
alana
I proudly breastfed for 17 (loooong) days. Sleep deprived, hungry and stressed- the both of us. I did the best I could with what I had. I would feed my baby proudly anytime, anywhere! Then we just couldn’t do it anymore. That Friday night, as I packed away all my breastfeeding accessories… pump, nipple warmers, oils and lotions, I cried. I was obligated to switch to formula- he was so HUNGRY! And yes, I too, would even lie about bottle feeding to avoid critics. As I am pro boob!!!
Thank you.
No longer will I carry shame and guilt.
Erin
It sounds like you made the right decision for you…and those 17 days count for SURE! Go in grace!
jd
I am REALLY happy I found your site. Second post today for me! I felt AWEFUL when I couldn’t nurse anymore. I flopped over the 9 month mark with both kids. My milk just STOPPED! It might have been my imagination but I swear I got snickers and remarks like, ‘oh formula now’? Then the comments AFTER, ‘oh I BF my kids’. I was proud I went that long, it was NOT easy. Then my happiness was crushed. People can be so mean.
Nellers
I tried with all three of my boys. And though I was able to breastfeed for a period of time, it was never the length I wanted, and never easy, and certainly not the delight so many breastfeeding moms told me it should be. I always felt so much guilt about it. And long to have had a pro-breastfeeding experience.
Nell
Vanessa
Thank you so much for this article. We had a long journey of trying to breastfeed, starving baby, nursing and pumping, pumping exclusively, and eventually milk drying up at only 5 weeks. I was heartbroken and whenever little miss has difficulties with eating (she has digestive system issues), I once again feel like I failed her. When people excitedly ask how breastfeeding is going (an easy assumption as we are fairly “crunchy” parents), I duck my head in shame as I answer that it’s not and feel the need to share the whole story – but really, the details are hers and mine. I know I don’t owe anybody an explanation. Thank you for this reminder that we didn’t fail – we just took another route to nourishment!
lorinda smith
As a mom who breastfeed her child for almost two years I am offering this: Whether you breastfeed or bottlefeed, it does NOT matter. It does not make you love your baby any less. You do what is right for you and your baby……no one else gets a say. Also, let’s extend this to labour and delivery……….just because I had an epidural and someone else had a “natural birth”, it does NOT mean that I love my baby any less. We make the choices that are right for ourselves and for our babies.
Melanie
I agree with this and think no woman who attempts to breastfeed should be made to feel a failure. However, when I was in the throes of whether it was going to work for my tongue tied (clipped, but not an immediate fix) nipple confused baby and me, it was everything, and I did feel like a failure. No one made me feel that way except for my own ideas and emotions and hormones. And that feeling was the most devastating thing I’ve ever dealt with, and it was valid. What I had to do, and what I believe we all have to do when something doesn’t go as planned, is redefine success. Success was pumping enough for the next feeding. Success was not feeling totally overwhelmed about the idea of getting up in the morning. Thankfully with a wonderful lactation consultant and boobs that can make milk for a pump, I was able to hold out until he was able to latch, and we’re still going at 27 months today. Like in everything else, success is different for every person. I hope every woman reading this post is able to look at their struggles to breastfeed and find at least one moment and call it success…even if it’s that you learned why you couldn’t meet your goals and came to peace with it.
Christie
I have dealt with the feeling of failure of not being able to breast feed for 11 years. I thought I had accepted it and dealt with it, but then I had twins 4 years ago and it all came flooding back. It seems like when it is brought up around me and for some reason I feel the need to defend myself, it seems breast feeding Moms just want to tell me how much they had and how there was no problem. It was heartbreaking and I think I have dealt with it finally. I wish this post would have been around way back when, how empowering it is!
elle
I have anxiety issues, and my daughter had trouble learning to latch on. To get her to breastfeed, you had use a dropper to put milk in her mouth and then transfer her from the dropper to the nipple or she just wouldn’t suck. Sometimes she would, but most of the time it was a struggle to get her started, and my husband says I told him that I felt like was being drained, like she was feeding on me instead of the milk. I don’t really remember saying that, but it fits what I remember. In order to bond with my daughter instead of building a resentment for her, I had to stop. I wanted to breastfeed at least two weeks, but I barely made it three days, or something like that. Less than a week at least. I felt terrible, and guilty that I was “quitting” for “personal” reasons instead of physical ones, and it took me a long time to accept that it was ok. That I did the right thing for us. Even still, fully accepting that and believing it myself, I’m reluctant to join conversations on the matter because I don’t want to explain it. I usually go with something brief like “it just didn’t work for us.” It is very nice to hear a well-rounded, accepting position that favors breastfeeding without shaming those who don’t, for their own reasons, whatever they may be.
Beth
Thank you so much for posting this!!
I wanted so badly to breastfeed, and I did, for 2 days. I was the over clingy Mom. I refused to let the nurses take my baby at night, and I struggled through no sleep between breast feeding and just lying there watching her sleep in the bassinet next to me. I embraced those moments being close to my baby and providing for her, in the most natural way, just as I had for 9 months. She was perfect. Not a cryer, not much fussing, just a little 9 lb ball of heaven.
Then I mentioned to the nurse that I thought my baby was cold, despite me swaddling her, because she kept shivering. I will never forget the look on her face when she said, ‘She’s not cold, she’s hungry. You’re not feeding her enough!’ To say I felt like a failure doesn’t even come close to that pain. She abruptly left the room with the ‘this woman is a moron who can’t tell she is starving her baby’ look on her face, and returned with a bottle. I took it and fed my baby. I kept telling the nurse that she hadn’t been excessively crying, and that I had been feeding her (pretty much constantly). She continued to lecture me to the point of tears, and then she left the room so ‘I could have privacy’. I was so crushed that I had done this to my baby, and beyond disappointed in myself as a mother.
After that, she was strictly a bottle baby. I couldn’t bring myself to give it much effort at that point. Something I had so much trust in, like a mothers ability to care for her babies, was just done for.
I was never a ‘breast-snob’, to each their own, and my daughter is every bit the picture of health in spite of being bottle fed, but you are totally correct, there is a stigma. I’m not sure if it is what others think of me, or what I think of myself, but I avoided the topic like the plague an carried that guilt every moment.
Being a Mom is hard enough as it is without having to bear the cross of every mistake. Moms are in no way perfect, and it drives me nuts when we set that expectation for ourselves (and each other). There is a saying, ‘Girls push each other to the ground; while Women raise each other up’.
Thank you so much for putting it out there, and giving me the opportunity to tell my story as well.
Chelsea
Wow. Thank you.
I still struggle with sadness and guilt over being a “failed beastfed mamma” and my son is 8 months. I love the line “I did both…” and not needing to explain anymore. Thank you for this. This really touched me today
Katie
I tried to breastfeed my son, but I guess I wasn’t producing enough because he was either sound asleep or frantically crying for milk. That stressed me out because when I read about breastfeeding, every article said to start getting your baby ready to breastfeed when he is a little hungry and calm (or something like that). That was never an option! When it came to eating he wanted it now! I tried for a week and he was not eating enough. When I decided to bottle feed, I cried so hard. I really did feel like a failure. Sometimes now I tear up about it, and he is almost 2. I tell you what, though, he took his first bottle like a champ and was full and satisfied and was a happy baby. I was afraid that he would reject the bottle and I would be stuck with super sore nipples (he also had a latching problem) and a baby that was never satisfied.
I have a friend on Facebook that I had to unfollow because she is so pro breastfeeding it was feeling aggressive to my new decision to bottle feed. I really felt like a failure when I saw her posts on my newsfeed. I know it doesn’t matter now because my son is healthy, but I really thought I was the worst mom ever for not following through on the breastfeeding.
Thank you for your article!
Elizabeth
I want to thank you for this article… I am one of those mother who tried breastfeeding her three kids and it never worked… it left me more frustrated and devastated than I care to even to acknowledge sometimes… With my oldest… it was a failed attempt because I was on blood pressure medicine after he was born due to an emergency C-Section… and they had to bottle feed… they wouldn’t even let me pump because of the medicine… with my second child… I tried again.. but because I was put to asleep during her birth and she was born with low blood sugar… they again fed her with a bottle first… without my consent…but they said they had to… I managed to breastfeed my youngest for a week… but I could never get her to latch on properly… even with advice from a lactation nurse… She never would latch on all the time… I could get her to latch on one side…but then I would move her and she wouldn’t latch on… so we decided to pump and feed her that way… and because my low milk let down… she lost weight instead of gaining it… her pediatrician actually blamed me for it..saying I wasn’t feeding her enough.. I was feeding her every two hours like the doctor at the hospital said to… so they made us supplement her with formula… which I made with breast milk… but after 3 weeks… my milk never really came in… so we had to stop all together and switch completely over to formula.. it was devastating.. I thought I had failed my child.. plus it didn’t help that I had family members who didn’t understand why I was trying to breastfeed…. They would say things like…”Why can’t you just bottle feed her like you did the other two..” or “People are looking at you… why can’t you just pump and bring a bottle when we go out in public” It hurt…
I look back on those days… and realize that I did not fail my child… my body just was not made to breastfeed for the long haul… all three of my kids are healthy Pre-teens… but it still hurts some times
Julie Ann Filter
I loved this post! I completely agree with your heart and words and hope that they are taken as such. I have a similar post grouping coming out this month in lieu of “Breastfeeding Awareness Month,” and it saddens me to see negativity towards those of us who want to encourage and embrace the breastfeeders, but are not in turn saying negative statements for those who make different choices. Keep it up, Erin! You’re doing a phenomenal job of encouraging women =0)
marta
I tried to breastfeed my first sonand it was a disaster:he did not find so much milk, he was losing weight and so I tried both breastfeedcand bottlefeed but it was a disastercagain:I was always sad, I felt really bad until one doctor told me”So, you tried, your baby needs to eat, you are always worried about him…do not mind and bottlefeed, it is the best thing to do”. I follow his suggeston and things started to go well both for Jethro and for me. I decided to bottlefeed my second son and things immediately went ok, some nurses and doctors were notvso kind with me when I told them I did not want to breastfeed but that did not matter for me, I was very calm, the first period of my second motherhood was great!my sons are both healty, they grow up wel (jethro is 35 months and Archimede 13 months). I think a mother should choose how o feeder baby without feeling guilty!!!
Amber
Yes, I did try. My son latched only one time in the hospital at two days old, using a rtf formula nipple in place of a nipple shield. My milk did not come in until five days pp and even then it was negligible and he would not latch despite no tongue or lip ties or bubble palates. The breast feeding consultant I saw told me I had hypoplasia, insufficient glandular tissue in my breasts. It’s not about the size (I was a AA cup prepregnancy) but about the shape and width of the space between my breasts. I had wanted to breastfeed, there was never any idea in my head that I would use formula. After the emergency c-section under general, the hard pregnancy, the long labour, the onset of PPD, this felt like the final failure on a long list.
Joyful_2010
Thank you for this post! Oh, how I needed it. I have felt like my body betrayed me. I have struggled with the shame and guilt of not successfully breastfeeding either of our children beyond a couple of months — even though those months were tortuous. Whenever I’m close to forgiving myself some BF mom reopens the wound with her judgment. Or, I allow myself to feel that way. I pray this post brings me closer to acceptance and closure. Bless you!
Christina
I am so glad my friend shared this. I tried ebf my daughter. By the time she was 2 weeks old I thought it was going better then my milk just dried up. I fed her one last time and have yet to produce another single drop and that was 1 1/2 years ago. I was so devestated. Doctors could not tell me why and nothing I tried made it come back. I’m having baby #2 next year and I am determined to try again. I feel like part of the problem was the nurses at the hospital not listening to me. I had a c-section and when I got out of surgery they had already given my daughter a bottle. I was so mad because I told them no bottle and they just didn’t care. This time I have a birth and in large bold letters it says under no circumstances will anyone give my baby a bottle unless requested by myself or my husband only so they better put on their reading glasses and do their job right this time!
obrooks
I could not breastfeed and honestly I never felt like a failure until you brought that word to my attention with your blog post. I honestly did not read your article because I do not want to read one more article about this nonsense. No I am not a failure. But thank you making me feel like I should be so you can then persuade me that I am not. If women did not shame each other so much over breastfeeding they would not feel this way. I can not wait for breastfeeding week month whatever to be over. Good for you for breastfeeding good for me for formula feeding. You know what is not on a college application. How were you feed the first year of your life. Give it a rest. You do not have an innate feeling of failure when you can’t breastfeed. That feeling is coming from someone somewhere that has drilled it into your head that if you do not breastfeed you fail.
Jessica VM
I always feel judged by breastfeeding moms when talking about feeding babies. Our twins were born at 28wks with severe health problems and neither one learned to latch. I did pump for 6 months but ran out of room in two deep freezes and I was slowly losing my mind as I was pumping every 4 hours, (for about 40 minutes as I was making almost a liter every time I pumped), feeding one baby every 4 hours and the other every 3. It was horrible. They are my last babies and I so wanted to dual breastfeed and had planned on enjoying every minute. But that’s not how things worked out and I hate feeling like I need to explain that to every woman that asks if I breastfed my babies.
Julia
What a beautiful post!
Susie
Thank you so much for this post! I breastfed my first son for ten months, until he weaned himself. This made me a little sad because I had planned to breastfeed for at least one year, maybe longer. Then with my second son, I thought “this is it! Another chance! We can nurse longer this time!” I was SO wrong. My darling boy was born 23 hours after my father died of cancer. And he was also born TWO DAYS before Christmas. That first week was hell. I was so stressed out that he couldn’t latch right. He had a great appetite and I had plenty of milk, but my nipples got so cracked and sore that I was bleeding. I was literally sobbing while he tried to nurse, and he eventually gave up and just started screaming. At 10 PM on a Friday, my husband begged me to try formula.
I come from a family that exclusively breastfed. My mother was a founder of the La Leche League in my community. I felt like if I EVER let formula pass my baby’s lips, I failed as a mother. I finally gave in that night and switched him to formula. For about a week, I pumped while my nipples healed, I saw a naturopathic doctor who gave me some natural remedies to reduce stress that would not interfere with nursing, and then we returned to exclusive breastfeeding. When I returned to work 6 weeks post partum, I pumped while I was at work. Then, just a few weeks ago, when he was a little over seven months, he got a cold (which was probably related to the two teeth he had coming in). He refused to nurse. My supply had decreased by this point, and we had already been supplementing with formula just because I could not sustain him on breast milk alone. When I realized after about five days of this that he was not going to nurse again, and I couldn’t pump more than two ounces at a time, I knew we had to stop. I cried! I felt like such a failure, and still do to some degree. Here was my second chance to nurse my baby for at least a year, and I couldn’t do it. But over the last few weeks I have come to realize that my baby is happier, he eats less often (probably because he is getting a lot more than he was when he was nursing exclusively), and I find that the bond between my baby and me has actually been strengthened. I am not as stressed about making sure I nurse him all the time, or pump every two hours, or be at home when it’s time to feed so I don’t waste precious milk.
So THANK YOU for this post. You touched a chord deep inside my heart that needed to be reached. I have NOT failed as a mother. I have been the best possible mother to my baby that I could be given our situation. And he is healthy and happy! I couldn’t ask for more!
lourdes
Dear Erin Odom,
I am in tears! The way you understand the “other” mothers struggle is such a loving way is a gift to many like me. I feel embraced by your caring words and I like to thank you from all my hearth for it.
God bless you, dear!
From Berlin, I, the mother of our beloved Paula.
mom of chd baby
You have no idea the impact this blog entry had on me…. you, my dear, through this entry. . Have helped me release my guilt. Literally I was able to let go of the guilt. My second baby has two holes in his heart and a slew of health issues. It was very hard to let go of the fact I stopped bfing at 7 weeks old. He will be a year next week and I am finally letting go because of your wonderfully written article. Thank you.. from the bottom of my heart… Thank you
Sheilah
Thank you so very much for this!! It is such sweet words that were a medicine to my broken heart. My son was born at 27weeks due to pre-eclampsia and I pumped my religiously every 2 hours and tried every home remedy that was out there. The month that he was able to come home was when I had reached the very minimum of breast milk. He was almost three months old and I knew all the wonderful things I could give my child and myself. An for 2 years now it has lingered in the back of my mind, how much of a failure I was, at not being able to feed him and give him something that so many other moms just come natural for. I have beat myself up over and the shame and regret that always sits there and rears it nasty head. Thank you for showing me that I’m not a failure!! That I am a top notch momma even though breastfeeding wasn’t in our journey together!! God bless you so very much!! I was in tears before I even started reading the entire note!!
Carrie
I tried and tried with the fenugreek and the hospital grade pump and everything and had some pretty major psychological issues because it wasn’t working out. When we finally got to our regular pediatrician a couple weeks later she was like “oh yeah, I looked at your medical history and women who had chest radiation for your particular type of cancer often have an ultra low milk supply” and i had a giant baby (he just turned 7 months and is 23lbs and in 24m clothes) so the amount of time i was spending trying to pump for maybe 4 ounces just wasn’t worth it. i wish there wasn’t so much pressure on the breast is best thing. i know it’s best and it took me months to come to terms with hey at least you’re alive and cancer free and could have your own baby at all (needing donor eggs after chemo was a very real possibility)
Elizabeth
I really needed this. I literally googled “encouraging words when breast feeding doesn’t work” and found this. I cried and cried while reading it. My son is 6 weeks old and bf was a struggle. More for me than him. This is my second child and after going through this a second time I have realized that bf for whatever reason causes me a lot of anxiety and worsens my post partum depression which I am prone to. The anxiety of not knowing how much they are getting is too much for me. I know that may sound silly especially when he was having plenty of wets and poops but it’s juts how my brain works. Then at three weeks my supply dipped during his growth spurt. This combined with my already anxiety was too much. After a visit with the LC she suggested I take a break and pump for a few days to give my self time to get myself together and also make sure he wasn’t hungry. I found pumping worked much better for us. My anxiety decreased and he seemed more satisfied and less stressed too. I have continued pumping only. I may have to supplement with formula soon and I searched for encouraging words as I am sad about that. This blog really helped. Thank you.
Angela
thank you for writing this! I breastfed my son for 3 weeks almost every hour trying to increase my supply (w supplementation). I slept maybe two hours a day. I was determined but my body never responded. When I got to the point that I had to sleep, I felt guilty to stop for four hours bc that meant not giving him the best I could. I started crying a lot when we switched to formula. Sometimes I couldn’t even feed him and would have my husband do it bc I felt so guilty and like such a failure when using bottle. This post reminds me to not look at that bottle and see failure but to see what a happy baby I have bc he is well nourished on formula.
Rachel
It was good to read this post, which I wasn’t even looking for, as my youngest is now 2.5 years. I did everything I could to BF my three kiddos, and felt like a horrible failure. Prayed for more milk, but it never happened. If I have a fourth, I will try again. But I am done with the stress and bitterness. I treasure the memories I have of BF my babies, but I have come to terms with the fact that I did everything I could, and it didn’t work. I used to wonder why God would let me (who desperately wanted to BF) have insufficient glandular tissue and not someone who was planning on bottle feeding anyway. That isn’t productive. You just have to love your sweet babies as best as you can. God is sovereign.
Tabetha
I came across this blog post awhile back and it gave so much grace that I was finally able to forgive myself after a very long time! I’m glad I stumbled upon it again. I tried everything to bring in the milk. A rented hospital grade pump, nursing on demand, a medication, mother’s milk tea, thinking “milky thoughts,” begging God, crying, and a lactation aid. Nothing worked. I nursed and pumped and gave formula for two months with my first. My second baby got breast only for 2 weeks and I’m very sad to say he lost weight in the meanwhile. Nine years later I learned it was a thyroid condition that prevented me from producing and letting down breast milk. I produced only 4 ounces at most, and only more as I was drying up. Then my breasts would mock me for months without fully drying up. My boys did get colostrum and they got breast milk.
This article made me say, ” Yes I did nurse successfully, and for the period of time that God enabled me to do so.” I closely followed Dr. Sears and our family doctor with a labor of love; making goats milk “formula.” Goat milk enriched with folic acid and prepared with organic rice syrup at first for the correct calorie levels at newborn age. My husband would hold me from behind while I playfully chanted “mixin’ and mixin and mixin” as I dissolved the syrup and powdered milk into hot water in a large measuring glass. I filled up plenty of bottles in advance so I could feed on demand.
Not only was the preparation of the “formula” a labor of love, but so was the bonding I had while bottle feeding my babies. My oxytocin would rise and I would trasmit warmth and love into my babies while I bottle fed them and stared into their eyes. I used newborn level nipples so they had to work at getting their meals. They developed big healthy cheeks and people always thought they were nursed! The doctor made sure to check their blood levels in case of anemia from the natural formula. Of course they never were anemic at all because they ate whenever they were hungry. They are now a healthy, fun and active 7 and 9 years old, and don’t seem to be traumatized from their lack of breast milk!
What about a mom with breast hypoplasia? What about a mom who has a had a breast reduction or mastectomy? You can love your babies just as much if they have never had a drop of breast milk. You are amazing moms, never think anything else. Blessings to all of the “humbled homemakers.” Thank you for this blog post!
Carrie
My children are 5 (6 weeks shy of 6) and 19 months old and I still feel guilty for failing them. Every. Single. Day. Both failed to thrive breastfeeding and we had to switch. The oldest has a peanut allergy and the little one has chronic ear infections and tubes in his ears.
Jean
It is indeed a concern to me that we as women, are so critical of each other. Being a wife or a mother, are both enormous responsibilities. And then we have the nerve to criticize those who have trouble in the breastfeeding area.
The choices that females male for their bodies should be just that, choices.
You would think that women would learned by observing how well men treat each other. They support each other and they dont have all the responsibilities that females have. Maybe one day we will respect females as we do males.
All that to say, I send out encouragement to females who struggle or who is criticized for not breastfeeding her baby or who did not continue and chose to use formula. Breastfeeding is in the female realm and we as females should
give support to other females, not tear them down, or allow males into this realm to scold a female for her choices.
No, males have no right to be critical of a female’s body choices, which happens to be breastfeeding right now. Males have no right to bash females, just as females have no right to bash any male who decides later in his life to get circumcised or to stay uncircumcised.
Erin
Thank you for your thoughts, Jean!
Dianne
Thanks you so much for posting this. I only wish I had read it last year, when I was going through such a hard time trying to get my milk supply up. Reluctantly I decided to let it go – and although I was so thankful that I had a happy, healthy baby, I still longed for that bond with my baby. Thank you for bringing up the fact that there is So much more to being a great mother. I am totally changing the way I respond to the “did you bottle or breast feed” question, and in stead of almost crying, will now say “I did both!!!” Thank you.
Erin
I am so glad you found it encouraging, Dianne!! Release that guilt!
Jess
I had to stop by and say Hello and Thank you! Look at all of that Momma love on your page!!! I am holding my head high today! Not something I have EVER done when the subject of breastfeeding comes up. So again, Thank you!
Erin
Oh I am SO glad to hear it, Jess!! Keep that head held high!! You’re doing great, Mama!
Liana
Thank you for this post! My grandma was physically unable to produce enough milk to feed her babies. She tried for so long that she was starving my uncle. Just because you haven’t experienced something (and I ebf, so I haven’t experienced it), doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. I’m very thankful for the support I had when I had to supplement with my daughter because the nurses didn’t obey my wishes and she got nipple confusion. And through the excruciating pain of breastfeeding my greedy son that made me bleed. It’s different for everyone, and sometimes just different for each kid. Criticizing others for what you assume they did just makes you look like a jerk.
Erin
Thank you for sharing your story and your grandma’s story!
Jaci
Thank you so much for this. I wanted to breastfeed my daughter (she is now 4 months) but the week after she was born she had lost weight instead of gain so my doctor told me to supplement with formula..after awhile she started to get more formula than breastmilk because my supply would lessen because of the supplementing. Although i was only producing a little bit, i would always have her latch on to get the little bit i did have. But Now out of nowhere at 4 months she no longer wants anything to do with my breasts. She just wants bottle. I’m still making a little bit and it makes me extremely sad to think I will eventually dry completely up and that she no longer wants to breastfeed. This article made me feel a bit better. Whenever I’m feeling down about it I will come back and read.
Jennifer
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Brooke
I needed this so much!! Sometimes I feel like I am the only one. Everyone else just has no problems feeding their baby but me. Reading others stories encouraged me too. I tried with both my daughters. They both lost too much weight not due to low milk supply but because my nipples won’t let the milk out. They suck hard but can’t get it to flow and I get multiple plugged ducts because I produce fine. I pumped for 9 months with my first. I was miserable. Leaving every gathering to go out to a hot car and be hooked up to a machine. With the second I was more determined than ever. I really thought with enough research and stubborness that I could make it work. Same problems but even more so. I am producing way more milk so even with pumping I am still getting multiple plugged ducts. I had 6 in one breast. I was crying every time I pumped. I was doing massage, heat packs, loose clothing, a strict schedule to pump consistently…but nothing helped. It got to the point where holding my sweet girl to me was so painful I was avoiding it. My husband told me to start weaning, and I was devestated. My head knew he was right, but my heart kept telling my that I was a failure. I have bawled so many times. I even know it is silly and formula is just fine. I don’t know why I am so hard on myself. I don’t know why women are so hard on themselves or others. Motherhood is so emotional and competitive. I am trying to wean my 6 wk old and struggling with that too. Weaning is causing more plugged ducts. I am listening to my encouraging husband who is the biggest support. Thanks again for the article.
Katie
Thank you for this post. My baby is a week and a half old, and even though my breasts are totally full, my milk won’t let down. I breastfed my poor girl for three days before learning that her jaundice was dangerously severe due to lack of food from me. We have been feeding her with formula and I’ve been doing everything I possibly can to encourage my milk to let down, but nothing works. I also pump religiously each time she feeds, but I can only get about an ounce total each time. I try to stay positive about the fact that I can at least add that small amount to her formula. But I cry all the time because my spirit is willing but my body won’t do its job. It’s a horrible feeling of failure over something that I can’t control. I am dreading those conversations when I finally leave the house. Thanks for showing that at least some moms out there are understanding.
Melissa
Thank you! I needed this. My little man just turned 2 months and I was so set on breastfeeding that I never even considered formula. I remember thinking, “why in the world would anyone give their child formula when they could give them something so much better?!” My little guy was born and I breastfed him within the first hour of his life. I was so happy. Five days later he was crying ALL the time and constantly hungry. I dreaded feedings because we weren’t getting a good latch and it was so painful. It got to the point where I was bleeding at every feeding and could not heal. So I decided to pump. I pumped 8 to 12 times a day and was still not producing enough milk and had to start supplementing with formula. I was misreable because so much time was spent pumping and not with my sweet baby boy. I made it 6 weeks before my husband and I decided that we needed to formula fed exclusivley. I felt like a part of me died. No joke. The feelings of grief and regret were and still are almost overwhemling. My husband doesn’t understand why it is so emotional for me. Almost all my frinds with babies are breastfeeding. It is hard to even be around them. I needed to hear this. Most importantly I need to forgive myself and stop beating myself up over it. I have to constantly ask God to forgive me for picking up the guilt that I have already laid at his feet. There is definitely a bigger picture to motherhood than just breastfeeding. Thank you again for these words. You have no idea how much I needed them.
Erin
Melissa, I am so touched you were encouraged! Yes, there is definitely a bigger picture of motherhood than breastfeeding! My girls are all now past the infant and toddler stages, and most people don’t even talk much about it now! You are the perfect mama for your little boy. You are nourishing his body, and you are giving him the best–LOVE. Go in grace, Mama!! And a big CONGRATS on your baby!
Kelli N-K
Thank you so much. I have cried so many tears over milk. I told my husband today that I felt like my worth as a mother was directly tied to my ability to provide milk for my baby. I feel like I have to explain to everyone why it isn’t working – that I have tried so hard – that I still want to, but it is tearing my life apart. I feel ashamed and depressed all to often and feel my eyes welling up when I’m around breastfeeding Mamas. I want to believe I am a success. I hope I can convince myself.
Erin
You ARE a success, Mama. I wish I could take you out for coffee and convince you of that right now. I’m so sorry you are going through this. My baby days are now over, as my youngest is now almost 4, but I remember it feeling like such a HUGE deal back then. I want to encourage you that this is a lie. You value and worth as a mother are NOT determined by whether or not you breastfeed. My girls are now almost 8, 5, and 3 1/2, and moms rarely ask each other now. I pray you have a wonderful day, Kelli. YOU are enough for your baby. God gave you your baby because he knew YOU were the perfect mother for him/her!! Embrace grace, dear mama!!
Gina
Erin, I felt this way about my first baby, I was not able to breastfeed. Then with my second I was so excited I could! And I hated it!! I was so uncomfortable, my boobs were huge and would drown my baby and it was horrible to find a comfortable position. And am I the only one who has crazy sensitive breasts!! It was not fun and I actually went back to formula feeding at 4 months because I hated every minute of breastfeeding! So both my babies are formula fed and very healthy! So for all you mommas out there with this horrible baby guilt that you are screwing them up. You are not, your wonderful and doing awesome!
Katrina
Thank you so much for this. I am a first time mum, and after trying desperately to breastfeed for the first few days, I really couldn’t bare the pain (I hadn’t realised I had got the latch wrong) and I had to give my little baby boy formula. It broke my heart seeing him have formula, and I felt such a failure. I then tried mixing breast and formula for a week, but in the end needed to let go of the breastfeeding, as it was too overwhelming on top of lack of sleep. This letter has been an answer to my prayers for peace (Philippians 4: 6-7). Its lovely to be free from the guilt, and to enjoy my little boy. Thank you again 🙂
Nanny
I’m a grandmother, an RN and was an ibclc. Much more importantly I was a breastfeeding mother of 4. Breastfeeding was glorious, moving, horrifying, stressful, amazing, painful, fulfilling, guilt inducing, beautiful and a never forgotten experience. And that was just with the first child. What I have come up with after all this time is that I did the very best I could (with the life experiences I had had at the time. I love breastfeeding I think it is so important for the mom and baby. The experience of having a new baby doesn’t happen that many times in a women’s life. What I have found is that it’s hard to do something if you have absolutely no idea how to do it. It has always broken my heart to see moms feeling bad about themselves for not reaching their baby feeding goals. I have a favor to ask. (Please be kind). I’m going to be teaching some free prenatal breastfeeding classes. ( my church is hosting this for young families in our community). I really believe breastfeeding is the best for everyone. I also wholeheartedly believe that nothing good comes out of a situation that leaves a mom feeling bad about her ability to care for her child. Fine line, be a cheerleader, breast milk is the best for baby and mom. Breastfeeding and formula are not equal. Give all the information but not have the mom feel guilt if it just doesn’t work for them for whatever reason. A mom kind of needs to be super ready, pumped up, ready for a new experience. How do you help them with the fact it didn’t end the way they wanted it to. Feeling sad is manageable, but even breastfeeding is not worth the feelings of being a bad mother. Thanks Nan
Gerta Frasheri
What a wonderful article! Four of my closest friends have given birth around the same time and are all going through challenges that are unique to them – they cannot possibly go through this experience exactly the same, hitting all the “right” milestones. Its great to remind them of this and not shame them for being individuals. Thank you for this! Best, Gerta
Dinah
Thank you. I am in tears. I have four children and my youngest is 1 month old. I find that,once again, I am not able to breastfeed and today I realized that with each child I have held out a secret hope that “maybe next time it will work.” I have begged God, and cried more tears than I was ever able to pump. I finally realized today that I am grieving the inability to breastfeed. I also have never really let myself go through the anger part of this grief. I know I will have to in order to completely let go and accept. I love the Corinthians rewrite. I feel God walking with me through this however it still feels like a valley with shadows. Please pray for me and thanks again.
Dr. Sandy
I am a nurse who has worked with mothers and infants for many years. I managed a Women’s center and taught childbirth classes including breastfeeding and bottle feeding. I have always supported every mother’s decision on the feeding method they chose. I am very educated on breastfeeding and wanted to do this for my children (now 20 & 28). However, due to medical malfunctions my body would not allow me to do so. I started bottle feeding and did not feel any guilt because I knew that there are reasons some people can’t breastfeed and I knew that this was a personal choice every mother has the right to make. Some women just do not want to and that is perfectly fine!! They feed their babies and that’s what’s important. My daughters are now grown up, beautiful, healthy, and intelligent women. My mother was not able to breastfeed me either and I have a PhD and have had a wonderful, healthy, and fulfilling life as a bottle fed baby. No woman should be made to feel guilty because of the feeding choices they make.
Erin
Amen!
Samantha
This book is so great! My mum gave it to me when I had my first baby. It is still or nowadays even more hard when you’re not breast feeding. People look at you in a very strange way and even tell you what they think about it. Anyways they don’t know anything about the different situations! I had to bottle feed my baby with formula, we used the goat milk formula from organicbaby.la as my baby was also showing some allergic reactions.
No women should feel guilty when she is not able to breast feed! Society should know this by now!
Yours
Samantha
Elizabeth
Thank you for these sweet words directly into my soul. I need to let go of all this shame, anger, guilt and plain obsession over milk. Feeling as though I’ve failed my son and completely obsessing over if we are able to to have a second child all the professionals I would line up (once again) to try and make it happen. Comparison is a thief of my joy. I can have all the milk in the world but in your poignant words all these years ago now “ if I have not love..”
Thank you. Thank you. thank you.
Katie
Thank you for writing this. I literally sobbed the whole way through reading this. You gave compassion, grace and understanding that I have not received during this tough season of motherhood. So much feeling of failure to not have a child successfully latch and nurse. I have three children that for all different reasons would not nurse. My first I made it pumping exclusively the first year. My second wasn’t able to tolerate breast milk and I dried up after a couple months. Now I am back with this same struggle with my third who is almost five months. He screams and will not even attempt to latch when trying to nurse him but will eagerly take a bottle. This has strongly effected my milk supply to the point of getting an ounce at most with a 30 minute pumping session which results in feelings of failure and not being able to protect my baby from the flu season. Thank you for your encouragement.
Elizabeth
Thank you.
My mother was a woman who could have fed twins and never batted an eye. I fully expected to be able to feed my firstborn. I gave birth, and found I was unable to produce enough to feed my son. I was diagnosed by a Lactation consultant with insufficient glandular tissue. Most mom groups hear the IGT diagnosis and think “didn’t try hard enough”. I suppose it’s because sometimes it’s diagnosed as a catchall for anyone lacking production.
I pumped every 2 hours around the clock. I breastfed, gave a bottle, then pumped to try to up my supply. I took the supplements. I used the SNS. I used every gadet, every shield, every pump I could get ahold of. My lactation consultant finally sat me down and looked me in the eye and told me that I had done everything humanly possible to breastfeed, but it wasn’t in the cards.
It was a breath of fresh air to throw in the towel after 3 months with my first, and focus on loving him instead.
I’m now here again, my 12 week old is outstripping my supply by leaps and bounds, despite my best efforts from the getgo. I still mourn, even knowing I may not have been able to continue. It’s something that I don’t think ever goes away, the feeling of not being enough.
I’m just thankful I was born in the modern era, and I can feed my children, despite my lack.